The Key to a Successful Interview
by The Sage of Toads
Summary: This is Ranma 1/2 shaken, stirred, and smashed with a baseball bat. Written with emphasis on accuracy, which was then completely disregarded for the sake of comedy, if you're reading this with fanonical misconceptions, prepare to be disappointed.
1. And Suddenly, Ranma Saotome

Disclaimer: Another shitty Ranma ½ fanfiction

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
And suddenly, Ranma Saotome

_Did he just use his ARSENAL heading for this?_

**[1.]**

It wasn't Akane's fault that she hated boys. If some pompous jackass who couldn't hold his own against a girl suddenly declared that you could be dated only if someone marched over and beat the crap out of you first, unleashing a veritable flood of horny assholes longing to beat you unconscious and then claim you as their girl, you'd be a trifle disgruntled too. To think that she had admired Kuno as a martial artist too, before that fateful spar, boy she knew how to pick them!

For the first few days she actually liked the workout, it was a good way to train her skills against multiple enemies at once. After that, however, it quickly lost its appeal because stacks of bricks put up a better fight than even the best of them. Three weeks of fighting the same die-hard virgins looking to slake their lusts in her own virginity, all of whom showing no sign of improvement or even a modicum of talent, was leaving her angrier and angrier with every kick and punch. At this rate, she'd graduate from simply knocking out to committing grievous bodily harm. That would be satisfying, although she'd probably spend the rest of her life in jail, or worse… on the Mixed Martial Arts Circuit.

Satisfaction, as it was, were the aforementioned stacks of bricks that waited at home for her. There was something cathartic in just breaking stuff with all of your might and not having to take flak from people for it–like the parents of the students she viciously crushed.

Akane briskly continued walking home from the mountain of bodies in the school yard she left to drown in the rain that threatened to fall at any moment. Home was practically a straight shot, all she'd have to do is get home, get changed, do some running, and then brick-break city. The very thought of getting that burn in made her smile, one that promptly fell off her face when a group of boys materialized in front of her, great, Sci-Fi Club Nerds.

"Akane Tendo, we of the Martial Arts Sci-Fi Club will now challenge and defeat you in honorable, savage combat," The Jedi-dressed club president said as he deployed one of those obnoxious toy light sabers. "You have no chance to win; the Force is on our side."

Ugh, nerds who couldn't get it right. If he was supposed to be a Jedi, then he should know that the statement he made was arrogance unbecoming of a Jedi! Akane's mood soured further as these people butchered Star Wars right in front of her. She let out a deep breath that sounded distinctly Vader-like, and shook her head.

"No, I'm done for the day. Just get out my way so I can get home." She could not behoove to fight these losers. Bad enough she had to beat up virgins daily, but to grant these sorry guys their only touch from a woman in the form of her fists to their faces was cruel in itself.

More obnoxious Star Wars toys were drawn, creating a cacophony of sounds that, to her dread, she'd might end up hating if she heard too much of. As the Moron Order stepped forward, their leader answered her denial. "You cannot refuse this challenge! We will defeat you, and you will become the mascot of the Martial Arts Sci-Fi Club!"

Akane groaned and prepared to fight, at least she'd finally get a toy light saber like she always wanted. The club members adopted the various mimicked Jedi Knight fighting stances, and then some guy in a red shirt and black pants landed with both feet on the president's face and leaped off him, kicking him into his friends and knocking them down like poorly dressed pins.

"Eh?" Akane stopped and lowered her stance, surprised by this odd turn of events.

Landing on his feet, Ranma Saotome looked with surprise at the person he landed on and his friends, and felt a bit bad. He was in kind of a hurry, and hadn't been paying attention on his landing because he had been focusing on his takeoff away from his Old Man. "Stupid Panda, this is his fault. He should've just let me go back to China in peace."

He turned to look at the guys, and then over at the girl that he'd noticed out the corner of his eye during the final seconds of his descent. The leader, blood pouring from his nose, shot to his feet, pointing the light saber accusingly at him. "What the Hell did you do that for, jackass?!"

Akane stared with muted exasperation at the club president. Some Jedi he was. Ranma took exception to the whole jackass remark and snorted. He couldn't waste time on these guys. "Hey, I'm in a hurry, alright? I'm sorry for the…"

Almost on reflex, Ranma kicked the president in the face as he lunged to hit him with the light saber toy. As he fell his incensed subordinates also attacked and in a record time that made Akane envious he brutalized the lot of them, leaving them laid out all over the sidewalk, street, and on the fence that bordered the street and canal. Needless to say Akane was impressed by the swift, violent display.

Lowering his foot, Ranma looked over to Akane and grimaced. Crap, he'd gone and ruined these guys' shit in front of a girl. He had to say something quick. "Uh, I'm sorry you had to see that."

He then noticed a blur coming along off to his side. "I gotta go, sorry about that again!"

And then like Superman he was off, hopping up onto the fence and then over the canal. A split second later, a blur followed him–wait… was that a fucking Panda? Akane slowly shook her head, and then looked down the street at the clear path ahead of her.

"How weird, but…" She smiled a little bit. For the first time in weeks, she encountered a member of the opposite sex that did not appear to be completely fucking retarded. On top of that he was kind of cute! Oh, and strong! He completely mopped the floor with those nerds; it didn't even look like he was putting any effort into it. Now there was a real Martial Artist!

Walking over to one of the Sci-Fi nerds, she picked up his light saber and not so discretely slipped it into her book bag. For that embarrassing display, she deemed herself entitled to it, and made her way home in a better mood than she was before.

* * *

Arriving at home, Akane performed her afternoon routine and did some much needed brick breaking before Nabiki arrived to tease her about her plight. Turning to Nabiki as she made a comment about boys and being weird, she let out a small, indignant huff.

"The boys think I'm weird? Nabiki, they're the ones who line up every morning so they can get the snot kicked out of them, all because they think that I'll go out with them if they beat me up," Akane ranted. "What sort of stupid logic was that, anyway? How'd they get it in their head that beating a woman will make her love you?"

"I believe it's now called the Chris Brown Method," Nabiki joked.

Akane stared at her, horrified. Nabiki shrugged her shoulders. "What, too soon?"

"This is all Kuno's fault, you know. You have class with him; don't you have a way of making him stop?" Akane asked as she began setting up more bricks to pummel, to quickly change the subject. Her older sister was of course against the very notion, why put such a great cash cow out to pasture? The economy still sucked, after all.

"I've tried, he's a buffoon." Nabiki had gone to get Kuno to call off the bounty on her little sister's chastity, but right away sold out when the moron offered her a hefty sum for a picture of Akane. It all snowballed from there and at the rate she was going she could just buy her way into Toudai, to Hell with that exam nonsense.

"I suppose at this rate, I'm going to end up a man-hating lesbian, then," Akane lamented, knowing her Father would likely die of a heart attack had he been within earshot. She smiled a little bit, recalling the helpful stranger. "Unless, that is, I can meet that guy who helped me out earlier."

Guy? Helped? Positive inflection in her voice! If Nabiki's stocks soared like her interest was doing right now, the Tendo Family could take the Kuno Family and make them their servants. She all but dashed over to Akane, a broad smile on her face as she bounced on her feet. "You met a guy?!"

Akane's smile became a little bit shy. "Nabiki…"

"Tell me, tell me!" Nabiki demanded, taking Akane's hands. "Was he cute? What did do? What did he look like? Did you get a name?"

Akane's smile grew, as she blushed. "I ran into some jerks today, and this guy in Chinese clothes just swooped down and beat them up for me without breaking a sweat. In fact, he even apologized that I had to witness it."

"But was he cute, though?"

The younger sister fidgeted. "He was, kind of good looking, I guess. He certainly wasn't bad."

She brought her hands together, still covered in dust from the bricks, and twiddled her fingers as she regrettably recalled the next part of her story. "And before I could ask for his name or even say thanks, he was off and running. For some strange reason, a Panda was chasing him."

Nabiki stared. "A 'what' was chasing him?"

"A Panda Bear, seriously."

In a town where savage combat could break out at any moment between super-humanly strong martial artists, a story like the one that fell upon Nabiki's ears was not met with skepticism but with jaded curiosity. It couldn't be anything mundane, like another martial artist, or a policeman, it had to be something wacky.

"Well, if you see him again, maybe you should ask him out on a date."

Nabiki's answer brought a flush to Akane's face. "I don't know…"

Nabiki patted Akane on the shoulders. "He helped you out, seemed kind of nice, and he was cute, Akane. He's already better than eighty-five percent of the boys in your grade and at least seventy percent of the boys in mine."

Akane managed a small smile. "You give those perverts too much credit."

Without any warning, Nabiki dropped a bombshell on her. "Well, there's that and if you have a boyfriend, Dad at least won't marry you off to the guy that he's engaged one of us to."

Frozen, Akane's eyes grew wide. "Dad did what?!"

* * *

Soun Tendo, widower, father of three, and quite a handsome guy back in the day (still kind of is to the spinsters on the block), was a dedicated martial artist. One day he and his old rival Genma Saotome swore an oath to engage their children, a boy and a girl, to bring their two schools together. Afterwards, they parted ways, with Genma being the far more upwardly mobile of the two when it came to the art, frequently heading out on training journeys and even taking his young son with him to turn him into a formidable martial artist.

For years, through raising his daughters through the death of his wife, he rarely kept in touch with his fellow student of 'he-who-shall-not-be-named', but knew that one day the time would come that Genma and his son, Ranma would come and fulfill their oath.

He just didn't expect it to be this day with the postcard he received from China. Nor did he expect a panda to suddenly barge into his house carrying a girl who identified herself as Ranma Saotome. His spirit effectively crushed, Soun admitted his defeat and laid down on a bedroll with the blanket to his chin, an itinerary of slowly wasting away to his death preplanned in his head.

"Father, please don't do this. I know you're disappointed but you do not have to lay there to die," Kasumi pleaded gently with her silently weeping Father.

"He's disappointed? He sets us up with this Ranma person and doesn't have the sense to check under the hood!" Nabiki snarled.

"HE SAID HE HAD A SON!" Soun yelled rather loudly from where he laid, causing Ranma and the large Panda seated behind her to wince. Nabiki however was unfazed and groped Ranma.

"Do you see a son here? Well, do you? Because all I'm feeling is a handful of natural, supple woman bits." Ranma stared at Nabiki, and said something or other that was lost to the squabble.

Kasumi, somewhat unsure of how to address this, went with what she'd once seen on the internet. "Maybe she's a futanari?"

Given the morbid reaction from Nabiki, Soun, and the Panda behind Ranma, the three of them were disgusting perverts. Ranma had met the statement with a bemused tilt of his head, while Akane didn't register it at all. She was locked onto the strange girl next to her, and was doing a bit of detective work. This Ranma person, she had the same hair (albeit a different color now), the same clothes, and seemed kind of polite just like that boy she met earlier. However, there was just no feasible way she could reconcile her observations. Was there something she was missing?

Whatever the case was, she had to get Ranma out of here before Nabiki started stripping her to prove to her Father that the son he was promised was in fact a daughter. She got up and tapped Ranma on the shoulder. "Hey, join me in the dojo?"

Looking up at the girl, Ranma smiled gratefully to her for giving her an escape from Groper, Queen of the Perverts. With a hasty bow and a request to be excused, Ranma and Akane departed the living room and went into the dojo.

Akane, while not a schemer, had herself a plan. That boy whom she encountered utterly dominated those boys, despite being outnumbered twelve to one, in less than five seconds. Such a feat would've taken her at the least twice as long if she wasn't feeling particularly vindictive. She figured, if she went all out against Ranma, she'd have at least most of her questions saved the obvious one. How?

"Okay, are you ready?" She asked Ranma, who bowed to her casually. "Just so you know I'm not going to hold back, okay?"

Ranma blinked and raised her hands. "Wait, you're what?"

Like a gunshot she was off, delivering a quick punch that was evaded with a simple, impressive vertical leap. When she tried to catch her coming down with a high kick, she performed a split and evaded it. As Ranma fell back to land, she deftly swayed like a leaf to avoid Akane's blows, and took only a half step back from her. She was fast, faster than her. Same clothes, same hair style, same speed. What was going on?

"Okay, I have to know," she said. "Do you have a twin brother or something?"

Ranma lowered her stance. "Huh?"

Abandoning her stance, Akane placed her arms akimbo and huffed. "Earlier today, a guy who looked a lot like you but was, you know, a guy gave me a hand today and then ran off being chased by a panda. All of a sudden you show up, with a panda. Do you know that guy?"

Yeah, she had to have a brother. It was the only thing that made sense, right? "I'm just really confused right now, and so are my Dad and my sisters."

The other girl pulled a little bit of a grimace, but sighed in resignation nevertheless. It was going to get out anyway, better when it wasn't a huge misunderstanding or something stupidly comedic that ruined this kind of cute girl's opinion of her. She took a deep breath. "Alright, I'll tell you as long as you promise not to freak out, okay?"

Freak out? Was she whatever it was Kasumi said that made everyone else shudder in revulsion? "Um, alright, I promise I won't freak out."

Ranma nodded. "Get me some warm water in a bucket, and then bring it here."

Nodding, Akane left the dojo and headed immediately for the furo. Less than a moment later, she returned and found Ranma topless save for a towel draped over her shoulders. Alright, this was getting substantially weirder. "Ah, Ranma…?"

"I just don't want to get my shirt wet. Look, is that water warm?" She said to her, not wanting to get into the details beyond that. The girl had to see it for herself.

Akane held up the bucket, displaying the slight steam off it. Ranma nodded again. "Alright, throw the water at me. Be sure to douse me, okay?"

Alright, the logic for taking off the shirt was apparent. "Okay, I'll do as you said." With a slightly reluctant heave she splashed Ranma with the water. "Alright, now what…?"

A split second later the empty bucket fell from her hands as Akane stared completely dumbfounded at a male Ranma Saotome. Inside her head, the "What the Hell?!" her mind screamed caused an immediate cascade failure that prevented her from screaming the expletive aloud. Instead disbelief-induced loss of consciousness, a safeguard against psychological trauma, kicked in and Akane fainted dead away on the dojo floor.

Staring down at the unconscious girl, Ranma lowered his head and sighed. He had told her not to freak out, but oh well… at least she didn't walk in on him coming out of the bath, or anything disastrous like that.

That would've sucked.

* * *

Akane's ongoing BSOD had Nabiki as worried as she was freaked out about the fact that the older man and his son seated across from her were cursed to transform into a bear and girl respectively when liberal amounts of cold water were applied. Kasumi was resting a damp cloth over her youngest sibling's forehead, while Soun grimaced as he looked to his old friend, who had just related to the three present the harrowing story of how both became afflicted with their curses.

"How irresponsible," Kasumi admonished, "Taking Ranma to such a dangerous place to train. Didn't you at all consider the risks?"

Ranma unfolded his arms and presented to Kasumi a tattered guidebook. Examining it, she quickly understood. "I see, neither of you can read Chinese, can you?"

Both shook their heads, and Nabiki lamented, "This is the price of ignorance. Who goes on a long trip to China and doesn't at least have a grasp on the language?"

"What matters," Soun loudly stated to drown out his daughter, "Is that this doesn't really affect the engagement."

Kasumi and Nabiki both gave their father a pointed look he deflected by completely focusing on Ranma and his friend. Much to his chagrin, Ranma's gaze was all the more hostile. "What do you mean it doesn't affect the engagement? I turn into a girl when I'm doused in cold water!"

"But with warm water you're a man again, so it's not entirely too bad. It's an inconvenience instead of a crippling tragedy, therefore you can learn to make due." Soun then joined Ranma's side and gestured to his daughters. "Now then, Kasumi, Nabiki, and of course you've already met Akane. Pick one, and she will be your future wife."

Was this man on some sort of drug? Had Ranma not been dealt his current affliction, he'd have been more than happy to say "Sure, I'll pick the cute one with the dark blue hair" and live happily ever after. But no, he was in the midst of a gender identity crisis of unrivaled proportions and both these old idiots were more concerned about the arrangement than fixing the problem!

Just as he was about to inquire about the Tendo Patriarch's dealer, Akane finally sat up and rubbed her head, mercifully drawing the attention of the room. As she sat up and stared at Ranma, her cheeks colored slightly, which she quickly concealed by covering her face with her hands and rubbing her eyes. "What happened? Can somebody tell me?"

Nabiki was more than happy to fill her in. "Well Ranma can change genders because of a curse he accidentally received in China because his Father didn't understand warning signs. You splash him with cold water to turn him into a girl and warm to turn him back. His father turns into a Panda, because he got a different curse. Oh and Dad wants one of us to marry him."

Ranma cringed at the edge of apprehension present in Nabiki's tone. Akane looked at him, and then back to her sisters. "One of us has to?"

Kasumi nodded. "Yes."

"It kind of stings that we're suddenly being offered up like this, but what are you going to do?" The edge of apprehension dulled with her aloof resignation.

For once, the tomboyish and generally outspoken Akane was at a loss for words. She wasn't really sure how to approach this, but she did feel bad for both of them, especially Ranma. After all the terrible things he's probably had to go through since becoming cursed, and their fathers hoist this on the poor guy! She looked at Kasumi; she didn't care for younger men, so that was flat out. Nabiki though, Akane knew that her milkshake bringing all the boys to the schoolyard and Soun's nigh-homicidal doting were the only reasons the middle sister wasn't sneaking a different boy in every week, but subjecting Ranma to Nabiki would only end in tears and an empty wallet. She knew what she had to do.

"I'll be his fiancée," Akane volunteered, causing Ranma to sputter in surprise as Nabiki grew dumbfounded and Kasumi surprised.

"Akane!" Kasumi gasped, although her exclamation appeared more for dramatic effect than concern. Nabiki was amazed that the borderline misandrist would turn a new leaf in support of Ranma.

None in the room were more surprised though, than Ranma himself. "Are you serious?"

"Well, you seem nice," Akane explained. "You helped me out earlier, and you were pretty upfront about the curse when I asked about it. Furthermore Kasumi doesn't like younger boys, and Nabiki doesn't really train, it only makes sense if the two people of the schools who actively practice the art inherited it."

"Yeah, but I got this whole curse thing. I don't really have time for fiancées and stuff; I gotta find a way to fix this," Ranma said.

Akane smiled. "Well then I'll help you, if you want. It's the least I can do after you took care of those nerds for me."

Ranma hummed, and his big mouth came into play. "About that, why didn't you just beat them up yourself? Those guys were a bunch of pushovers."

Beginning with a sigh, Akane explained, "Ugh, it's a really dumb situation at my school and I was just sick of it. If I had to, I would've, but you got there first and I'm really grateful that you did." They don't make nerds like they used to, she probably would've killed one or two of them.

"I see, I guess. I don't know about this whole engagement thing, but I'm totally fine with being friends." Ranma managed a smile and held his hand out to Akane. If it meant he wasn't alone in fixing this mess, then he'd be glad to have a friend.

Akane smiled back and shook Ranma's hand heartily. Right in mid shake, their hands were cupped by a tearful Soun and an idiotically grinning Genma. Both youths recoiled. "Huh?"

"You hear that, Tendo? Our schools will be united!" Genma said.

"This is the happiest day of my life, Saotome!" Soun sobbed like they were the ones getting married.

Ranma, his face a stone mask, stared at Akane. "Is your old man always this moody?"

As though empathically absorbing Ranma's irritation at their elders' disregard for the more important issues at hand, Akane returned the same stare to Ranma. "Is yours always this feckless?"

"Oh, you have no idea." And just like that, the two of them found their first bit of common ground; both tolerated little their Fathers' antics. Little did they realize, by the end of the story that common ground would become a continent of shared misfortune, misadventure, and misery.

* * *

"What kind of dork wears a shirt with his name on it, anyway?" Akane playfully teased as she gathered her things up into her book bag the next day. That's all it was, since given the opportunity, namely no one else being on Earth or she being invisible, she'd be ogling Ranma like it was no one's business, which it was. He may have been the same age as all the other boys in her grade, but he was definitely built like a man.

Relaxing after a wake up spar with his Father, Ranma looked back at Akane and smiled back to her. "Try not to get ambushed by another sci-fi convention, okay?"

"See you later, Ranma." As Akane headed for the door behind Nabiki, however, Genma raised his hand.

"Actually, the boy can walk with you today. I took the courtesy to enroll Ranma in school before we arrived here," he explained to her.

Ranma grew surprised, it had been years since he'd been to a school that didn't teach by means that would be considered abhorrent child abuse in a _third world _country. "School, huh?"

"We are going to be here for a while, at least until you and Akane get married." Genma put emphasis on the marriage part, sparking protest from both children.

"Will you get off that?" Akane turned to Ranma. "Hurry up and get dressed or we'll be late, okay?"

For the briefest second, she forgot that she was talking as she watched Ranma all but rip off his emblazoned tank-top for a plain white one and a Chinese shirt. She recovered in time to notice that Nabiki, who had stopped to witness the commotion, was much more engrossed in the sight of Ranma topless.

Dressed and ready Ranma tapped her on her forehead. "Yo, Akane, let's get going."

Right, they were going to be late if the dawdled anymore. Bidding farewell to Genma and Kasumi in the kitchen, Ranma and Akane left a short distance behind Nabiki. As they walked along, Ranma slipped his hands into his pockets, he looked at Akane who was a few paces ahead of him, and watched her long, tied off hair swish from side to side. He kind of liked it, he noted to himself.

"So, why were those nerds after you yesterday?" Akane raised her shoulders and dropped them as she let out a sigh of annoyance at the question.

"I guess I should tell you before we get there, but there's this stupid challenge or bounty or whatever you want to call it going on," Akane shot back. "According to the boys at school, if any of them manage to beat me, I'll go on a date with them."

Ranma raised a single eyebrow. "That's retarded, who came up with that?"

Akane liked his response. "An upperclassman named Tatewaki Kuno, he's really strong too. He'd probably crush you in a single hit so it's good that you're fast like you are."

"Uh-huh, so are you going to honor that little bet?" Ranma asked.

"I don't really have a choice." Akane grew a bit tense. "I never agreed to it, but Kuno's practically the word of God at school. If he decrees it then it must be policy, in the last three weeks I've done nothing but fight off perverts at the start of school, between classes, during lunch, and on my way home."

Amazement and a bit of pity set in. "Well, on the bright side, it's good training, right?"

"Not really. You know how you'll never get stronger after a certain point with fifty pound weights?" Ranma nodded. "I'm at fifty pound weights, and those boys are two pound weights."

Now Ranma really felt bad for her. From one martial artist to another, letting your skills stagnate was one of the worst things you could let happen. Going by Akane's evidence, she was a starving man on a desert island with nothing to eat but gruel. Sure it was filling, but you'd die anyway because it gave you nothing by way of nutrition.

"As a result, I really hate boys." The school was in sight, and Akane picked up her pace, Ranma hopping off the fence to keep up with her.

"I'm not…" Ranma looked ahead and his eyes bugged out when he saw a crowd of at least fifty students, all male, dressed in everything from sports equipment to samurai armor waiting at the gate and likewise sporting all matter of weapon save the projectile variety–no wait there was a kid with a crossbow of some sort. "…Surprised?"

"You were saying?" Akane asked before she leapt ahead. "Now stay back! I'll handle this!"

* * *

The group of boys waiting in front of her immediately broke into a charge. Letting out an annoyed sound, she fell upon the ground and immediately disappeared into it. A moment later, young men were tumbling backward, being hurled throw the air, or being dropped where they stood by the nearly effortless hits Akane was laying on them.

"Go on a date with me, Akane!" a boy from the boxing club yelled as he attempted to use a Dempsey Roll to get in close, Akane kicked him in his fool face.

"Akane, I love you!" a boy desperately yelled with a hockey stick before he was clocked and sent tumbling through the crowd.

Arriving at her classroom window, Nabiki watched the slaughter with her classmates. "Oh look, she has a weapon now."

With the hockey stick in hand, Akane thrashed enough of the boys to create a circle of breathing room bordered by the bodies of the stunned and injured boys she had dispatched. The group encircled her, leery-eyed boys trying to plead with her or propose.

"Akane, I would treat you so good!" one boy called out.

"This could all stop if you went out with me!" a boy from the kendo club called.

Akane slammed the hockey stick on the ground. "Like Hell I'd go out with any of you!"

The mob came in at her from all sides again, and Akane felled them all two, three at a time with the hockey stick like a scythe through wheat, before the impromptu weapon broke. It didn't slow her down however, and her attackers continued to fall.

Ranma was impressed, but at the same time fully grasped the gravity of the situation now. Not only was Akane being accosted by these jerks but they weren't even putting up a challenge! This was no environment for a martial artist to live in, no way.

"Jeez Akane, I had no idea." He slipped down from the wall where he'd watched the one-sided beating from, and walked over to her side as the last student fell.

"It's like this every morning," Akane lamented.

A noble-accented voice spoke up over the groans of defeated Y-Chromosome bearers, prompting both Akane and Ranma to look over. "Truly they are a boorish lot; they will stop at nothing to defeat you so they may take you out on a date."

The pretty boy in the kendogi and brandishing a rose like he were a certain masked tuxedo raised a flag, this must that Kuno guy he heard about. Ranma looked to Akane; yep she looked pretty damn annoyed now. "Hello, Kuno-sempai, and good morning."

"Now then, Akane Tendo." He threw the rose to her. "May we fight so that I may collect my reward?"

Ranma snorted. "He's pretty confident in himself."

"Stay out of this, okay?" Akane asked.

Kuno immediately raised his bokken and pointed it straight for Ranma. "You there, you're being rather familiar with Akane. Who are you, boor?"

Wait, what? "Did you just call me a pig?"

"Oh, that's what he said? I thought he called you boring, and I was like 'Why would he call him that, he just met him?'" Both Akane and Ranma laughed, and Kuno grew more incensed.

"That joke doesn't even work in Japanese! I demanded your name, it is only customary to give one's own name before all else. Fine, if you must be taught how to introduce yourself, I shall be more than willing to school you!"

Ranma looked from the still smiling Akane to Kuno. "Uh, okay if you want."

"Here he goes," Akane mumbled as more students in the building began to oversee the fiasco, Nabiki in her classroom among them.

Striking a pose, meant to give off his good, noble, inner tormented side off to Ranma, he began. "Undefeated new star of the High School fencing world, Captain of the Kendo Club, Second Year Student and Class Representative of Group E, I am Tatewaki Kuno. But to my beloved peers and mortal foes, I am known better as the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!"

"So it's 'Blue Thunder' this week?" Nabiki said to her classmates as thunder rumbled overhead.

Akane was holding the same sentiment. "Oh brother, last week he was the 'Sword that Cleaves Evil', and before that he was 'Walking the path of heaven, he who will rule everything'."

"How can thunder be blue? It's a sound." Akane chuckled at Ranma's observation.

Before she could say anything, Kuno spoke up, "Well then! Introduce yourself, mongrel!"

"Well then, King of Heroes." Ooh, Kuno liked that one. "I'm staying at the Tendo Dojo, and–WHOA!"

The "whoa" was for when Kuno came at him, swinging his sword. "What did you say? You're living under the same roof as Akane?"

Oh that was it, he swung on a nigga. In mid-flip, he threw his bag to Akane. "Here, hold this!"

Akane caught it. "Ranma, we don't have the time."

Landing on his feet, Ranma adopted a stance. "I'm the heir to the Saotome School of Indiscriminate Grappling, I am Ranma Saotome and I accept your challenge."

With a sneer, Kuno readied his blade underneath a darkening sky. He may have been a goober, but boy did he know how to summon up some atmosphere. Ignoring the clamor from the onlookers, Ranma limbered up as the blowhard continued to spew greenhouse emissions. "So you scoundrel, hounding Akane are you? I, The Blue Thunder, shall bring you to justice."

"He's only staying with us, sempai," Akane noted, and went unheard.

"Yeah, so who's hounding who, hypocrite?" Ranma added, and went ignored before he narrowly jumped to evade a devastating slash that parted the wall. Okay, maniac with a wooden sword who can cut through concrete. Loath to admit as he was, Ranma could already tell he was going to like it here.

Landing behind Kuno, Ranma folded his arms. When the young kendo expert whirled around to strike, Ranma was suddenly inside his reach and in his face. "Telling everyone that if they beat her she'll be obligated to go out with them, what the Hell is wrong with you, jackass?" Akane's brows rose at Ranma's defense of her honor. "Knock it off, or else."

"Or else you'll do what?" Kuno unleashed a surprisingly speedy strike, which Ranma evaded for an aerial assault. "From above…!"

Dropping like a rock, Ranma struck towards Kuno's face with a flick of his wrist as he thrust up with the sword past his neck…and the next thing he knew a downpour started and he, or rather she was tucked under the arms of Genma, rushing him inside with a kettle of hot water in his other paw.

Behind the two, Akane looked down at the knocked out Upperclassman, and leaned over him to look at his face. Bringing her hand up to her lips to stifle her laugh, she turned and headed inside after them. Written on Kuno's face was the world "FAIL".

For a boy, Ranma was kind of cool.

* * *

A/N: STOP! IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-WRITE! Enjoy your slightly tweaked and gratuitously reworked Ranma fanfiction, to celebrate a year of it on Fanfiction Dot Net!


	2. Tatewaki Kuno is Stupid

Disclaimer: Much Love to The Adventures of Duane and BrandO**  
**

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Tatewaki Kuno is stupid

_Throw punches at him!_

**[2.]**

"Stop! Nail time, can't touch this motherfucking gangster rhyme. He writes fail on your face with a flick of his wrist," Akane sang in the hallway of Furinkan High School as she held a pair of buckets filled to the brim with cold water in each hand.

"That's how I roll know this I got lots of tricks," Ranma added, buckets held in his own hands.

Both then began bobbing their heads and rhyming together. "You can't fuck with this, 'cause we're dangerous, step up to the plate we'll rearrange your shit!"

"Indiscriminate Grapping, bringing you down to the ground, Akane and Ranma representing…" Akane called out.

"Quit messin' around," Ranma interjected.

"Nuh-uh!" Akane shot back before both broke out together.

"Tatewaki Kuno going down tonight, fighting the male student body until everything's alright again!"

The teacher slammed open the door. "If you two don't keep it down out here, I'm sending the both of you home!"

Both Akane and Ranma immediately clammed up, and when the door closed both began snickering to each other. Ranma looked over to Akane. "Who does this anymore, anyway?"

"I've tried to appeal for something heavier than buckets of water, but what can you do?" Akane asked.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about making you late, by the way. It's just another inconvenience of the curse, I guess," Ranma said.

"I'm willing to call it even for embarrassing Kuno like that." Although it meant he was going to come after him later today for a rematch. "But to warn you now, he doesn't take losing very well."

"I never would've guessed, with that strategy of his."

Akane stared at Ranma in curiosity. "Huh?"

"Think about it, you've been fighting off groups of guys for the last few weeks, right?"

Akane nodded.

"Every time after, Kuno challenges you and you end up fighting him too."

Akane nodded again.

"Well, there you go. He's getting you into the groove of crowd fighting, which generally relies on dealing a quick disabling blow so you can move on to the next target, so that you'll be weaker in one-on-one."

She had always suspected those attempts had been to soften her up. "Well that won't work, I'm still better than him even in Kendo."

"Sure, now you are. But what about a few months from now, when you're full into the groove of crowd fighting? One day Kuno might decide to slip into the thick of it as you're thrashing them, and then when you go to deliver the one-hitter quitter-POW! You're face down in the dirt." The imagery that Ranma's statement painted in Akane's head, face down in the school yard, surrounded by leering, drooling perverts, sent a cold fear through her.

"D-don't say things like that," she stammered, pale as a sheet.

Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "Once people get the hint, though, they'll back off."

"What, you mean the…?" Akane grimaced. "I guess it's not something I want everyone knowing about, though. I don't want people getting the wrong idea."

"I don't want to be the center of attention either, you know." More than he already was, he was already the new kid dressed like a foreigner who went toe to toe with the most popular guy in school while acting strangely familiar with the most sought after girl. If it got out that he and Akane were-

"RANMA SAOTOME!"

Both looked down when they heard the yell through the floor, and then tracked with dread the footsteps thundering down the hallway, up the adjacent stairs, and to the door leading to the stairwell that Kuno kicked open with all of his might–a bokken strapped to his back and a bucket of water in each hand.

"Please no, please no, please no, please no, please no," both had going on under their breaths as Kuno dropped the buckets and drew his sword to take aim at Ranma. They knew however, that it was like trying to stop a forest fire with a water gun full of gasoline.

"Ranma Saotome, I will never accept your engagement to Akane!" Kuno declared, heroic determination burning from him like a magnificent aura.

Akane buried her face in her hands and Ranma slapped his forehead as the windows and classroom door opened and near every student in the room crowded them in amazement at this impromptu announcement. To them, at this very moment, no words could really describe Tatewaki Kuno other than "Moron", "Asshole", and "Future ICU Patient".

"You're not even going to let me try to explain myself, are you?" Ranma asked before jumping above a slash that cut through the buckets he carried. "I guess not."

His feet coming down onto the bokken, Ranma sprung himself over Kuno's head and broke into a run down the Hall. Last thing he wanted was to have to get the idiot's blood all over Akane; whatever made him this stupid had to be transmitted through contact with bodily fluids. Kuno was right on his heels. "Stand your ground, coward!"

Coward he says when he's the one swinging a sword around. The only thing that would make smashing Kuno's face in more satisfying right now was if Ranma got paid for it! He needed someplace nice and in the open so he could have plenty of room to dodge that crazy retard strength of his. Crazy retard strength… why did that suddenly remind him of someone?

Akane set down her buckets and shook her head as she took after them, other students from her class following along. At her flanks were Sayuri and Yuka, her friends and among the rare normal students in the school. Yuka was quick to the point. "Engaged, Akane? I thought you hated men!"

"It's not my choice, and I still do!" She immediately turned and dropped a boy who had opened his mouth to speak with a harsh glare alone. "It's just something really complicated!"

Sayuri spoke up, "Try us."

"Our stupid Fathers arranged for it-" Ranma was going for the window. "Ranma, don't jump out that window!"

Ranma looked back with a smile. "Please a fall like this is no… OH SHIT!"

Akane reached the window just as Kuno jumped out after Ranma, and Ranma realized that the pool was arranged perfectly underneath their fall. Stopping with her hand against the sill, she shook her head as both hit it with a large splash. Perhaps she should've taken the time to warn him about the school's various (and oddly frequent) sources of water that served as a plumber's wet dream. Both were in the drink now, one figuratively in addition to literally, but who knew, maybe there was some good to come of this. Maybe Kuno would drown.

Or not, there they went, Kuno trying to grab Ranma and dunk her under the water. Because their backs were to them, Akane could only imagine the look on Kuno's face that coincided with the way he just froze, when he found two things that should not be there. Ranma's face was probably all the more priceless, given how immediately after; she lifted him out of the water and slammed him into poolside with enough force to crack the concrete. Alright, time to go get some hot water while the action was momentarily over.

* * *

Why did the female body have to be so damn sensitive? Even after she went back to normal, Ranma was sure she was going to have a phantom pain for a while with how hard Kuno grabbed her tits. After checking for bruises and wringing out her shirt, she precariously balanced herself on the tree branch she took shelter in as she wrung out her pants. Stupid female body, stupid perverted Kuno, stupid swimming pool.

"Well, so much for trying to keep it secret," she grumbled to herself before noticing Akane walk over with a kettle in hand. "Hey Akane, I'm up here."

"That was both really dumb and really mean," Akane admitted as she tossed the kettle up to her. "I bet you knew Kuno would follow you out, didn't you?"

Ranma caught it. "I was actually hoping to come out over the faculty parking lot or something. Maybe he'd land on the vice-principal's car or something."

Akane managed a smiled mirthfully. "You like GTO?"

Ranma suddenly pointed at her. "Aha! I knew you were a nerd!"

"You know it too, idiot. I have an excuse, where'd you get a hold of manga while backpacking through China?"

"I was backpacking through China, haven't you ever heard of bootlegs?"

Akane giggled back. Watching Akane laugh, Ranma couldn't help but hesitate in the middle of the task at hand. She had noticed it before, a few times since he arrived yesterday. She was pretty cute when she smiled. In being distracted, she was kind of surprised when Kuno came storming along, yelling at the top of his lungs for him to come out of hiding. The kettle slipped from her hands, she dove for it and caught it, managing only to overextend herself like a rod in the process.

"Not good!" she squeaked to Akane, who glanced up and noticed her predicament.

"How'd you drop it?" She whispered back harshly. Before Ranma could reply Kuno was rushing their way. "Just try to get yourself together, I'll stall him!"

She turned to Kuno, stopping him by adopting a fighting stance. "Sempai, I challenge you!"

He had been in mid-tirade, spewing forth all manner of absurd olden-style variants of "Get out here so I can fist your face inside out", when Akane suddenly challenged him. He stopped and lowered his blade, his beloved Goddess wished to do battle with him? How riveting, the cowardly Saotome could wait! "Beloved Akane, never did I foresee that you would challenge me to a duel. So be it!"

Kuno raised his sword. "If you win… I shall let you go out with me! Thus, I shall lose with all my might!"

Akane resisted rolling her eyes; it wasn't like Kuno needed to try that hard. She just hoped Ranma changed genders before she actually had to bury the twit. Speaking of which… "En Garde, Akane!"

Like a machine Akane clapped her hands together, capturing Kuno's blade in her hand. Wide-eyed, Kuno spoke before his brain could stop him. "Akane, receiving my blade with such ease… it is almost risqué."

Rage, enough to make a Red Lantern say "Dude, chill out", turned her vision red and Akane rolled back, bringing Kuno down with her, before kicking him into the tree–just as Ranma had finally brought herself back towards the branch to douse herself with warm water. The impact of a very hard head hitting a very cast iron kettle shook the tree with such force that Ranma's pants fell to the ground, or more specifically onto Akane's head.

Ranma looked at Kuno, her left eye twitching as she watched the water leak from it and all over his embedded head and past it to fall to the grass below like rain. Crap, he found her. "Kuno…!"

He looked at her. "You, you're that girl!"

At the risk of reusing a gag line: Wait, what? "I'm that… girl?"

"The one in the pool," Kuno clarified, confusing Ranma the fuck further. "Did you see a young man with a pigtail run through here?"

Sitting up with Ranma's pants on her head like a goofy hat, Akane looked up in disbelief at what she was hearing. Morbidly curious as to where Kuno was going with this, Ranma tempted fate and shook her head no. What she got in response completely ensured that she would never, even for a second, take Tatewaki Kuno seriously as a legitimate threat for the rest of their lives.

"That coward ran away from our fight!" Kuno declared with a shaking fist. "No doubt he feared my prowess, but to take flight with such haste? He must possess no manhood whatsoever!"

Akane stepped back to avoid Kuno, kettle and all, smacking headfirst into the ground. Ranma dropped down a second later, prompting Akane to blush with embarrassment as the other girl's shirt fell back below the level of her hips. "You don't wear any underwear do you?"

"I need to buy some with better elastic, first. It's a fight to keep my pants on when I change, you know."

"Just put your pants on!" As Akane yanked them off her head to shove into Ranma's hands, Kuno sat up, and stared at her.

"That hurt you know," he stated before his eyes were drawn to Ranma's legs. Oh wow, those just looked tasty.

Ranma cracked her knuckles; she was going to make him bleed for that shot at her manhood. "I'm going to enjoy this. Come on, dipshit, I need to beat the crap out of you."

"Another lovely lady desiring to receive my blade, I see?" He took his bokken back from Akane, who recoiled in disgust. "Very well, if I win you may date me-"

Kuno froze and stared in awe at his first real look at a woman's sex organs that didn't belong to his sister and involve an intensely awkward moment in the bath. Unfortunately, right after that he got a good look at the bottom of Ranma's foot as it plowed into his nose, flipping him backward through the air dropping him on his stomach.

Landing, Ranma caught his bokken and looked at it before heaving back and throwing it into the pool. She then snatched her pants from Akane and stared down at Kuno, whose eyes were transfixed between her legs. "Get a good hard look, pervert, because you'll never see this again."

She shoved her shirt down to preserve her modesty and stepped back from Kuno, who gurgled, "That speed… power… just, just who are you?"

Akane looked from Kuno to Ranma, and buried her face in her palm. Really, was he that dumb? Ranma only smiled broadly to him. "I'm a student of the Saotome School of Indiscriminate Grappling, and Ranma Saotome is even better than me. Keep that in mind, you moron."

Turning around, Ranma began walking for the gate, her smile replaced with a sneer. "Okay, I think that's enough school for today. Let's head home."

"We didn't even get to sit down in class, you know." Nevertheless Akane fell in step with Ranma, as she whipped her pants up and down to shake out any excess water.

"Any education I got would've never been enough to make up for the brain cells that just knowing idiot back there exists killed today. I take back everything I said earlier about Kuno setting you up, that moron's too damn stupid to be a threat to anyone but himself." Ranma grumbled darkly as she stepped into her pants.

Still laying in the grass, Kuno watched with wide eyes the pigtailed girl bend over to put her pants on, admiring her long, slender legs and the pert, perfect butt that they led to. It was the most glorious sight the young man could recall to memory. He closed his eyes and buried his face into the grass before letting out painfully aroused sigh.

"That pigtailed wood nymph… I… I must have her," he breathed.

* * *

The school was abuzz with the rumor that Akane Tendo had become engaged to the pig-tailed boy in foreign clothing who showed up at their school. Not helping the spread of the rumor, let alone quelling it, was Akane ditching school along with the boy after a confrontation with Kuno that left him confused more than usual. No one was as surprised by Akane's sudden absence as Nabiki, who knew her sister to be a die-hard when it came to attendance. After all, she came to school even if it meant fighting crowds of increasingly desperate boys.

It surprised her, but the feeling brought more amusement than anything else. Akane already liked the cursed boy, she could tell, and the potential for fun to be had was all too tempting. But what sort of approach could she take with it? She'd need a few more days, maybe even a week to see where this was all going, but she knew she was not going to be disappointed. Indeed, it seemed the Gods themselves were in league with her, for here was Kuno.

"Tendo, your services are required," he accosted her.

She hoped he was finally going to cave in and pay for sex, because that would solve everyone's problem here and now. "Finally taking up my offer?"

Kuno grew quite loud. "I have no idea what you mean, Tendo, I don't recall you making an offer that I obstinately refused!" He leaned closer to her and spoke under his breath, "Harlot."

"What do you want, then?" Nabiki immediately grew disinterested. She was never going to get her itch scratched at this rate.

"Today, when I was chasing off that coward Saotome, I ran into a Pigtailed Wood Nymph." On second thought she wasn't sure if she could get turned on for sex with the mentally challenged. "She wore Chinese clothes, and had the most brilliant red hair…"

Nabiki paused, her breath hitching as she slowly turned to stare at Kuno fully. "What did you say?"

"I saw a Pigtailed Wood Nymph of fearsome strength, I startled her and she attacked me before she ran off with Akane. She appears to be connected to Saotome in some way and with him…" He paused to shudder. "…Living at your home, I thought to approach you on the subject."

At any given moment, Nabiki could've told Kuno everything about Ranma and his curse and avoided a great deal of trouble. However, she was practically asking for this opportunity just a few moments prior. She was a world class bitch, but it was her weakness. "The Pigtailed Girl, oh I know her."

The surprise and subsequent determination that bloomed on Kuno's face was so funny that she snapped a quick picture with her cell phone, before he turned and began vigorously writing a letter. In seconds, he was finished and neatly rolled it up into a scroll. "Tendo, I entrust this to you, make sure it gets to the Wood Nymph post-haste!"

"Sure Kuno, whatever you say." Nabiki had a small smile on her face that belied the extent of her excitement. This shit was going to be, to use an internet term she gleaned from peering over Kasumi's shoulder as she used the computer, lulz.

* * *

Akane still couldn't believe that she skipped school just like that, yet here she was before noon loudly walking through her front door with Ranma in tow, startling Kasumi as she had gotten started on lunch. The eldest Tendo daughter turned to face the intruders, she only became more startled.

"Akane, what are you doing home from school? You're missing class!" she demanded firmly.

"Word got out that I was engaged, and I really didn't want to put up with the others, so I came home." She said as Ranma went over to sit by the table. "Ranma also got into a fight with Kuno, too."

Kasumi had heard many stories of Kuno, and frowned before addressing Ranma. "You're not hurt, are you?"

"Nah, he didn't even hit me." She immediately removed her shirt and began to examine her chest, still no bruises. "But he did grab me around here, hurt like Hell too."

"Please put your shirt on before." Soun walked in. "Oh dear."

"Ranma, Akane, what are you doing from school-" Soun stumbled over his words quickly as he stared at a very topless Ranma.

Having filled a cup of warm water, Kasumi swiftly splashed it on him before Soun completely fell into a stupor. "Have you any feminine modesty?"

Ranma winced as he was changed back, sure enough there was that phantom pain he'd been worried about last time. It was Akane though who spoke up for him. "He's only been like this for about two weeks, Kasumi, go easy on him."

"Yeah, 'feminine modesty' or whatever ain't exactly something that comes with this territory," Ranma groused as he resumed his examination for bruising. "Sorry about this, Pop's friend, but the heat got a bit too raw at school so I came home."

Soun looked to Akane, surprised as Kasumi was that she too had come home. She quickly explained before he made an ass of himself. "Kuno was extra crazy today, he tried to kill Ranma the second he found out he was living here with us."

"I could've taken him, but eh." Ranma put his shirt back on. "I'm going to go use the dojo."

Kasumi looked to her Father, hopefully seeking some sort of support in convincing both of them to go back to school. To her disappointment, she got the opposite, Soun smiled broadly back at Ranma, waving after him. "You go right on ahead, son. Kasumi will have lunch ready in a moment."

Ranma made a sour face, but nevertheless nodded and excused himself. Akane glowered at her Father, as Kasumi let out a sigh and turned back to her cooking. There was no arguing over this it seemed, as long as the two of them looked like they were getting along, which in itself was a good thing, Akane actually seemed to like a boy who wasn't almost twice her age. Kasumi's lips turned into a small, happy smile with that, and the effort she put into her cooking doubled.

Having taken a seat, Soun smiled to his youngest daughter. "So I see you and Ranma are doing well."

"He's a nice person," she replied curtly, knowing full well where this was going.

"Oh?" Soun's expression became slightly unscrupulous.

"He's not a pervert, at least, and he thinks this engagement is dumb too." The dagger-like words went in so quick that Soun had no time to react. "And he knocked Kuno down a peg."

"There's no need to be so to the point, my sweet Akane. Isn't he at least handsome?" The stare he got back was the final warning.

"Call me when you're done with lunch, Kasumi." She got up from the table and walked out of the kitchen with a final glare for her Father. Nevertheless, Soun smiled at his daughter's evasiveness.

Kasumi shook her head. It was mean of him to pick on her like that, when he was the one who basically handed her off to some strange boy. She knew Akane better than their Father did, both she and Nabiki, and both knew that there was a spark there and this sort of prodding was only going to extinguish it. As she turned down the fire to let her dish simmer, she decided that if it got any worse, she would step in. That would teach him a fine lesson.

* * *

Nabiki returned home, and received a scolding from Kasumi over not watching out for Ranma and Akane that went in one ear and out the other as she removed her shoes and put her book bag away. It was passive-aggression generally reserved for a stepmother and something she'd been cultivating since Kasumi took it upon herself to raise the family as a mother figure. It wasn't that she didn't like Kasumi as a sister; she just didn't like it when she tried to be a mother. At least Mom raised her voice at her children when she went ignored.

"Uh huh, it won't happen again," Nabiki said offhand as she headed upstairs, never noticing the irritated expression on her older sister's face. Kasumi knew Nabiki damn well too. Once she was out of that absurd uniform and into something a bit more breathable, she made her way over to Akane's room and let herself in.

"Hey, I brought your homework." To Nabiki's surprise there was Ranma in female form, doing one finger pushups next to Akane's bed as Akane studied some of her older class work. This was unexpected. "Huh."

Akane looked over. "Hi Nabiki, and thank you."

Walking over and taking a seat on the floor after handing over Akane's homework, Nabiki opened her own books and produced the note that Kuno had given her to pass along. "So what brought this about?"

Both looked at Nabiki, Akane spoke. "What?"

"You let Ranma into your room alone; you know Daddy and Ranma's Dad will only start getting ideas." Nabiki noted.

"It's alright if I'm a girl," Ranma reasoned. "So I don't see the big fuss."

Sure was some unsinkable logic there, just like the Titanic. "Whatever, anyway, you got a note from Kuno."

Ranma stiffened. "A note, what do you mean a note?" She sat up and took it from her before opening it. "Eh? He wants me to meet him out on the Football Field Sunday."

Nabiki shrugged her shoulders. "Not surprised, Kuno doesn't take any defeat too well."

"Yeah, tell me about it." Ranma looked over to Akane before crumpling up the note up.

"Thing is, the note's to your female form. He seriously doesn't realize you're the same person, does he?" Nabiki asked, to which both Akane and Ranma both let out groans. With that dreadful confirmation, Nabiki shook her head and sighed. "What a God damn rube."

"Tell me about it." Ranma sighed. "Doesn't change anything, girl or boy I can still kick his ass."

Nabiki didn't doubt it, but she of course knew better. It wasn't a fight Kuno was looking for, but who was she to tip him off? The look on Ranma's face after the confrontation would be worth this mild deception. In the meantime, it was time to ask disturbingly personal questions. "Ne, Ranma?"

The redhead looked to Nabiki. "What is it?"

"So when you turn into a girl, do you become a complete girl, girl-parts and everything?" Akane flushed at her older sister's probing question, and put on her MP3 player–although out of a twinge of curiosity she kept the volume down to hear Ranma's answer.

Ranma blushed. "Yeah, I become one hundred percent girl."

"That's crazy," Almost crazier than a man turning into a panda, though not quite. "You've been like this for two weeks, right? What's the longest you've been a girl?"

"About eight days out of it." Eight days of Hell, as Ranma quickly had to learn how the female body worked different from its male counterpart. "No offense, but it's just not my thing, being a girl."

"Having you discover our genders many secrets is not something I want to entertain either," Nabiki admitted.

Ranma blinked. "What kind of secrets?"

"Try being a girl for one whole month and you'll learn more about girls than you'll ever want to." Nabiki smirked wryly as Akane rolled her eyes in disgust. "On that note, try to be extra nice to Akane over the course of the New Moon, trust me."

Akane whirled around, her face bright red. "Nabiki!"

It all mercifully flew over Ranma's head, but nevertheless she agreed. "I'll try, I guess?"

"Anyway, I kind of like this attitude of yours, Ranma." Ranma raised his brows, Akane fully looked back at her sister, wondering over the direction she was going with this.

"You do, now?" The youngest Tendo asked.

"Yeah, it could be a lot worse, you know? Ranma could be a pervert or something that uses his girl side to get close to other girls, and then take advantage of them. Or worse, he could've been a chronic masturbator or just whore himself out as a girl." All of those made Ranma both blush at Nabiki's candidness and cringe in disgust.

Akane was herself disgusted. "Nabiki!"

"I'm just saying…"

Ranma cut her off. "I'd never do that stuff! Not even real girls think about that kind of thing, what makes you think I'd be a deviant like that, huh?"

How interesting, Nabiki noted as she gauged Ranma's vehement reaction. Her curiosity demanded she dig deeper, but the rare bout of human decency helped her abstain. Ranma probably never even explored herself as a girl, it probably never even occurred to her. In a way, she was more of a prude than Akane was–at least she masturbated given the sounds that came through her wall on a good night–and clearly terrified of the very concept of femininity. Could she blame her for that, of course not, but it didn't make Ranma Saotome any less interesting.

"I'm sorry for prying." Nabiki said, defusing Ranma's indignation almost right away. "You're an interesting guy, Ranma."

She looked to Akane and smiled teasingly. "You treat him good, okay?"

Akane's blush returned, and the middle Tendo laughed.

* * *

What was to follow would be the first of many traumatic incidents where Ranma was forced to confront the very specter of that femininity. While there would be far worse moments, this stuck out because it was the first. Standing out in the field before Kuno, Ranma wondered why her opponent had chosen to leave home his sword and why his guard seemed so much lower than their previous encounters. It created a nagging sensation of dread, though she didn't recognize the feeling right away. A folly she'd pay for in moments.

"Well? Where's your sword, huh?" She demanded.

Kuno regarded Ranma with an intense stare, as he responded to her, "I have no need for a sword."

That nagging sensation intensified. "Pretty confident, aren't we?"

"Yes." Kuno reached for something then threw it. "Confident enough to give you this!"

Ranma caught it completely on instinct alone, and looked up at the bouquet of roses now held in her hand. That nagging sensation suddenly became a loud, high pitched noise that she could not identify, perhaps a cicada's call played at fifty times the speed, as she slowly turned her head from the flowers to Kuno, who had turned to regard her from over his shoulder.

"I love you." When he saw Ranma fall to her knees, his delusions cast her as struck by his heartfelt, dramatic confession. He did not stick around long enough to see her eyes glaze over, as the true horror of her curse finally set in upon her. Ranma Saotome was loved, desired, by another man.

Kuno was well out of earshot, by the time Ranma's horror manifested itself in a piercing, horrified scream.

* * *

A/N: That's four chapters made into two! Huzzah!


	3. Tatewaki Kuno Must Die

Disclaimer: Now a slightly less shitty Ranma ½ fanfiction

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Tatewaki Kuno must Die!

_Destroy Tatewaki Kuno!_

**[3.]**

Ranma woke up screaming, that very next morning. Sitting up in bed he groped at himself in fear, examining his body and finding that he was still intact and more importantly still male, thank God for that. Ever since Kuno declared his, ugh, love for him, the nightmares he had been experiencing since he laid down to sleep were eldritch at the _least_, with scenarios going from the first date, to marriage, to–oh God he was going to be sick–bearing his children. The latest was of him as cursed around the same age as his mother, responding to a mustachioed Kuno's advances with a blush and a giggle. Ranma screamed again for good measure as the image returned to his head and then bowed it, panting audibly to recover his wind.

"I can't take this anymore!" he gasped, before Genma kicked him in the face to begin their morning ritual. Ranma destroyed him in seconds.

Akane had slightly overslept due to the Saotome family's morning spar (which effectively replaced her alarm clock) becoming a clinical study of the effects of Ranma's fist coming into contact with Genma's face at six hundred kilometers per hour. A quick scrubbing and dressing ensued and before long she was running down the street neck and neck with Ranma, a piece of hastily buttered toast held between her lips.

"What happened?" She tried to ask, muffled by the mouthful of toast she began devouring. Ranma hadn't spoken to her all day after he came home, he'd just gone upstairs to his room and went to bed, like he had experienced massive psychological trauma. Either he didn't hear her, or he didn't want to talk about it, but he ran faster as the school came into view.

Sure enough, the many aspiring boys who wished to beat Akane were ready and waiting for her like a desperate, ravaged, and hungry army. Defeat after defeat had thinned their still numerous ranks, and yet they still stood, driven by their lust for Akane Tendo and not much else. They were going to face Akane to the last man, even if it meant death, for every single one of them knew that even one blow, a single good hit in, could grant them their victory, fiancé or not.

Then Ranma reached the group, and they were sent to the Punch Dimension, where nothing existed but punches.

Akane jogged to the stop at the gate, and gnawed on her toast as Ranma effortlessly, but with great fury and malice, demolished every male student that fell into his sights. It was like watching a nuclear explosion, awe inspiring and yet terrifying knowing what man's creation had wrought. Truth be told, it also made her a little wet.

He hadn't even worked himself into a pant as he threw some poor field hockey player into and through a wall, the comedic effect of this universe sparing the poor son of a bitch death. Blood dripping from his hands, he turned towards Kuno, walking towards the scene with his eyes closed, trying to put off an aloof air. Of course, this meant he didn't know it wasn't Akane who had ended the fight, nor did he see Ranma coming.

"Impressive as usual Akane–OH GOD HELP ME!" That was the first time Akane had ever seen anyone use Shun Goku Satsu in real life, there was even the glowing Kanji on Ranma's back afterward. Okay, that was really impressive and, oh… she was rubbing her thighs together.

She walked over to Ranma, who was looking much, much better. "I'm not complaining, but what was that all about?"

Ranma looked down at a very unconscious Kuno and snorted. "He said something that really pissed me off yesterday, that's all."

"Oh…?" Akane looked over to him, and then Kuno, before piecing it together rather quickly. "Oh. I'm so sorry, Ranma."

If there was one thing Akane had been thankful for in her situation, was that at least Kuno focused his amorous intentions on her and her alone, there was no other girls who had to be subjected to this abuse. Sadly, this was now no longer the case, and even worse it was her very male fiancé under the gun–curse be damned.

"Come on, let's get to class," he said gently to him as she gestured towards the entrance. "I'll uh, let's go eat somewhere off the campus for lunch, what do you say? I'll pay; it's the least I can do for you saving me a headache this morning."

Akane's kind words were like a soothing salve on Ranma's healing yet still painful psychological wounds. Managing a smile to her, Ranma nodded and followed Akane in before the stunned eyes of all the boys who had managed to retain or regain consciousness after the slaughter.

* * *

Oh, today was already a spectacular day for Nabiki and it just got better. The cute, plush panda tossed onto her desk in front of her confirmed the suspicions she had about Ranma's haunted return from the football field yesterday, this panda wasn't for Akane. Still however, playing dumb always meant more opportunity for hilarity in her book. She looked down at the panda, and then back up at Kuno.

"Is this for me, Kuno-baby?" She cooed to him dryly, batting her eyelashes.

"Did I offer it to you, Nabiki Tendo?" He snidely retorted. Okay, even though she knew that he only craved Akane's sweet ass, and now Ranma's, the derision still bit at her confidence as a blooming young woman. She was hot, damn it! He was going to pay for that.

She took a sip of her juice as he spoke and… "This sweet treasure I save for my Goddess in pigtails!" …Spit-take, straight into Kuno's face. She honestly couldn't script this stuff better.

"Look what you made me do." She glowered at him while inwardly laughing at the mess of fruit punch on Kuno's face.

"What I made you do?" Kuno tried to hit back dryly as he could.

Nabiki snorted and reached into her bag. "Whatever, if you're so interested in her, boy do I have something for you!"

She laid them out, a handful of pictures of Ranma in all of her vulnerable glory. A distinct lack of feminine modesty combined with an attractive female form led to many, many opportunities for good candid shots that Nabiki couldn't hope to dream for with Akane, almost fifty in the scant few days Ranma had begun living with them–including some that she was certain she'd go to jail for if they ever fell into law-abiding hands.

To Kuno, of course, you may as well have dropped Japan's three treasures into his hands. "These… these are of the Pigtailed Girl! She looks so defenseless…"

"Kind of like a boy, huh? Set of five for three-thousand. Take it or leave it." The money was in her hand so fast that Kuno didn't notice he'd actually overpaid her. That was alright though.

As she discreetly hid the extra up her sleeve and counted the three thousand yen given to her, Nabiki began her push. "You're really something you know, just ditching Akane for Pigtailed Girl like that."

Kuno scoffed. "Why would I drop Akane?"

The back of his head suddenly felt hot. When he turned to face Nabiki, her glare melted his face off. "You're not going to two-time my sister," She warned.

"Pfft, don't be so vulgar!" Kuno stood up, producing a rose from nowhere as he began his monologue. "Akane, she is so pure and tidy. The Pigtailed Girl, so alive and bursting with a healthy beauty!"

Tears running down his face and blood from his hand for clenching the rose tight in a fist, Kuno called to the heavens. "Both mean so much to me that I would give up neither! Do you call it deceit that I would openly desire them both?"

Funny as it was, it was enough to make her want to kiss him and vomit straight down his throat. "No, I call it greed!"

Another set of pictures, of the ever difficult to capture on film doing anything remotely sexy Akane, were spread out before Kuno. "Set of five for three thousand yen."

Kuno was already on the verge of masturbating over the picture of Akane training and destroying. "Such ferocity, sold!"

Nabiki collected her money and sighed in mild frustration. Pretty soon, she was going to either start going on compensation dates with older guys, or just start dating girls if she had to suffer boys like Kuno any longer, Jesus Hubcap-Stealing Christ.

"By the way, if you're gonna be giving the panda to Pigtailed Girl." She made her quota for the day, time to sow some chaos and bodily harm. "You'll have to give it to Saotome."

It was like ice water to his libido, the mere mentioning of the name–especially after the beating he received today. Kuno turned to Nabiki. "What did you say?"

* * *

Sure enough, as Akane and Ranma were heading out the side door for lunch, Kuno was in the latter's face demanding for an explanation for this bullshit. This in itself was bullshit that Ranma was not going to tolerate, especially when Akane had decided on an all you can eat buffet for lunch since they had a free period after. One low price, more food than his body has room for.

A good swift punch had Kuno clutching his mouth in pain, Ranma held on to the proffered plush panda though. "Forget about her, she'll never like you. C'mon Akane, let's go." With that, the two of them rounded the corner.

Recovering from the punch, Kuno grew confused. What had Saotome meant by that? He had confessed to her, and Pigtailed Girl tearfully accepted it!

"Here." Ranma handed the panda to Akane, who accepted it.

"Oh, thanks." Sure it was originally from Kuno but he had given it to Ranma, but it was too cute to just throw away. They had not made two steps for the gate when a torrent of water came down upon Ranma, turning him to her.

Akane looked up for the source of the water, wondering if it was really God deciding to take a cold piss on Ranma, and found it was two careless boys dumping a bucket out the window. Before she could pick up a rock and whip it at one of them, Kuno came around the corner with bokken in hand and suddenly Akane was alone. Akane hid the panda behind her back and stepped back as Kuno's hawkish gaze swept about, seeking out his prey like a determined fighter ace.

No joy, Kuno swung at a tree at his side and sliced through it. "So quick to run away, aren't you?"

The tree fell over, and to the ground fell a stunned Ranma, caught off-guard while struggling to tighten up her pants around her waist. Kuno immediately caught sight of her. "My Pigtailed Wood Nymph, I've found you!"

Boot to the head, Ranma was in less of a mood than she was forty-five seconds ago. "Don't touch me."

To her horror, Kuno persistently grabbed hold of her and held her close. "No! I will never let you go!"

His lips were all but in her ear canal with his declaration, Ranma Saotome was going to go to jail for murder, she knew it. However hot water, convenient, miraculous, scalding hot water splashed over her.

Nabiki stood over them, having been lying in wait this whole time to watch the drama unfold and spring her trap for the look on Kuno's face when he pieced the puzzle together. "Sorry, was it too hot Ranma?"

Kuno looked down, and found that his red-haired maiden now sported a blacktop. "Ranma?"

"Okay honey…" Ranma kicked him much harder in the face than before. "…Time to let go."

As Kuno rolled round on the ground, clutching his face in agony, Ranma rose up and shook the excess water out of his clothes. He looked over and rolled his eyes at Kuno's writhing in pain. "Do you get it now, idiot? I'm out of here, come on Akane let's go."

Akane sighed in relief. Now that Kuno knew the truth, perhaps they'd all get a semblance of peace around here. Yes, their troubles were all over.

"Hold, Saotome!" Not so. Both Ranma and Akane turned to Kuno, as Nabiki stared at him. "What did you do with the Pig-Tailed Girl? I will not be fooled by your trickery!"

Ranma's suspension of disbelief, resoundingly strong all things considered, shattered completely and all of the anger, rage, everything drained out of him, replaced by a profound bemusement. Akane was all but tearing her hair out to relieve the intense pressure emanating from inside her skull, while Nabiki was in tears, both from hysterical laughter and the despair that this fucking moron somehow outscored her in tests.

"Kuno, I…" Ranma looked down at his hands, shaken. Had he somehow given Kuno brain damage? "…Listen, I just…"

The sexually-frustrated, borderline malevolent trickster that held the controlling stock of Nabiki's conscience urged her forward. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she rested a hand on Ranma's shoulder. "Ranma let me handle this. Kuno just needs it to be explained to him clearly and slowly, you know, like one would a five year old."

Ranma began to recover. "Oh, alright, thanks Nabiki."

Boy it's really the cute ones that are so naïve, isn't it? Nabiki mused over this and continued on to Kuno, who looked like he was about to either attack someone, wet his pants or both, and brought a hand up to her chin worriedly. To Ranma it was her gesturing for Kuno to pay attention, but Nabiki was starring in a whole other show. "Kuno, listen to me. That girl, there…"

"Yes?" Kuno responded, seeing only the worry and shame on Nabiki's face. For this foul harlot to be so moved, what did she know?

"Her body, her soul, they're all his." She brought her hands together, while performing the double entendre to end all double entendres. "You understand, don't you?"

Oh, he understood alright. Who was once but a cowardly predator seeking to steal Akane from her destined love, was now something far more despicable. In his own censored delusion, more from ignorance than any sense of decency, Ranma Saotome was a vile enslaver of women, forcing Kuno's beloved Wood Nymph and taking her despite her impassioned, wailing pleas for him to stop. His fury already ignited to new heights, became an eruption of rage when he rationalized that Akane too was helpless to the fiend's advances!

Ranma, walking towards Akane and leaving Nabiki to deal with Kuno, suddenly tasted something in the air. He couldn't identify the taste, but if he did know what it was, he'd be surprised that Nuclear Explosions tasted like raspberry cheesecake. Akane was looking past him, surprised by something. "Huh?"

He recognized the expression as the shadow fell over him from behind. "Oh."

Ranma jumped clear of the vertical strike, which split the ground for ten feet in front of Kuno to roughly the same depth, Akane jumping clear of the attack as well, which went on to blast a very large hole in the wall behind her. Landing in a tree, Ranma stared down at Kuno in shock as he turned a fire-filled gaze up towards him.

"TYRANT!" he yelled to Ranma, who was looking accusingly to Nabiki.

"What the Hell did you tell him?" He yelled at her. Nabiki looked as surprised as everyone else, but failed to be convincing as she recorded the fight on her cell phone's camera.

"ENSLAVER OF WOMEN!" Ranma jumped from the tree as Kuno's next accusation and the wooden sword he swung it with cut through the tree with ease. At least he had a future in the lumberjack trade. "I SHALL FELL YOU! I SHALL FREE HER!"

Akane gawked at the scene as Ranma went on the defensive, avoiding a superhuman strength behind those blows. To be honest, she'd never seen Kuno when he was angry, and just witnessing this display of raw power unchecked was something both amazing and frightening. But what shocked her even more was, naturally, Ranma. Despite that amazing, frightening strength, Ranma wasn't just avoiding it… he didn't even seem concerned!

"Kuno must be in slow motion to him." Akane didn't realize that her hand was on her heart as Ranma easily jumped and tucked his legs under himself to avoid another slash. Her pulse was racing, and the beginning of a blush was painting her cheeks.

"So you're saying…" Ranma evaded a blow. "…That if I defeat you…" He sidestepped another strike. "…You'll forget about her?!"

Kuno brought down another violent strike, and to both Akane and Nabiki's amazement, Ranma caught the bokken in his hand like it were nothing and swung himself up and over it to kick him in the chest, knocking him back and sending pictures floating everywhere.

Ranma grabbed one of them and looked at it. "What's this?"

His eyes widened when he saw it was in fact a picture of him in female form. "What the Hell is this shit!"

Kuno's blade struck home, cutting a gash in his side and sending him rolling along the ground. Akane gasped. "Ranma!"

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. He may have been an idiot of premier caliber, but God Damn did that hurt like a motherfucker. Still though, he blocked it out as he landed and caught several more of the pictures as he dodged and weaved through the attacks. Pain was replaced by rage as he turned his attention onto the onrushing owner of the pictures. Having noted Ranma preoccupied with his treasures, Kuno mistook this for an opening.

"You look elsewhere in the midst of our battle…" He lunged forward. "…You do not take me seriously?!"

Ranma smashed him into the ground, cratering it below both of them, with a single punch to Kuno's face.

Nabiki stopped laughing, finding the entire spectacle suddenly less funny after getting her first real glimpse of Ranma's strength. Walking to the edge of the crater, she found Kuno laying at the bottom of the hole, alive by but the grace of it being comedy but sporting a bruised and already swelling face. Ranma dusted himself off and shook the hand that he'd decked Kuno with, the other still holding the pictures.

"How the Hell did this jerk get his hands on pictures of me?!" He asked aloud, before noticing others. "He has some of Akane too!"

Akane had just reached the lip of the crater when she heard that, and grew livid. "What?!"

She slid down into the pit, joining Ranma and looking over them. She gawked. "I don't believe this!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Nabiki cried out, looking genuinely apologetic. "I… I took them!"

Both martial artists turned to her, emanating a potent killing intent, especially Akane. Nabiki, however, quickly covered herself as skillfully and slimily as any snake would. "It was Kuno, he made me take them, and he said he'd ruin our family if I didn't!"

Sometimes, Nabiki thought she was pretty slick. Akane however, saw through this particular lie pretty easily, knowing it was just Nabiki's way of covering her ass. However, she hated Kuno and loved her big sisters so she was going to pretend to believe it… because even though she didn't need one, having an excuse to beat the stuffing out of this turkey with was always welcome.

"Kuno!" Akane growled as she began to stomp him. "My own sister! You sick, disgusting pervert! I'll kill you!"

Ranma joined in the vicious stomping of Kuno, and between the feet of the two of them made it several meters deeper. Walking away from the Great Nerima Curbstomp, Nabiki smirked to herself. She knew too, that Akane always welcomed any excuse to beat up on this pervert… the act was just good for the audio/video evidence. What a great day, she made a record profit, and got to see that pompous ass get taken down several dozen pegs. The only thing that'd make it better is if she got laid at the end of it!

* * *

Another school day voluntarily skipped, Akane and Ranma sat at the Western Style All You Can Buffet the former had promised the latter. Ranma had taken a break between courses and was looking at the pictures that he'd confiscated from Kuno, for future burning. As disturbing it was that Nabiki had wasted no time in exploiting him, he had to admit they were pretty good.

"You think so?" Akane asked after hearing Ranma's admission. She took a picture.

"Yeah she got my good side pretty well, and good at capturing action, see?" He pointed to a picture of Akane splitting cinderblocks, the action captured before the pieces of the blocks had even begun to fall to the ground.

"Huh… well what do you know? I guess Nabiki was talented with a lot of different things, just not with the martial arts." Akane admitted herself.

Ranma looked at a picture of herself going topless with her back to the camera. Nabiki was sneaky with that camera; he didn't know she was there at the time. Maybe she wasn't as abysmal as Akane thought. "What about Kasumi, does she practice?"

"She hasn't since our mother died, but she was really good. Daddy says she lost too much of her nerve to be a dedicated martial artist," Akane replied.

Ranma hummed. "Is that why you took it up?"

At that, a small blush appeared on Akane's face. She looked down at her food briefly and back up at him. "Yes."

There was a smile on his face that coaxed one onto hers, before he spoke. "Well, you're really good too, Akane. And you have a lot of potential to be even better."

The blush on her face grew, and she smothered her smile by digging into her food while he did the same. Ranma was really nice, almost nice as Dr. Tofu…

Wait a moment. She glanced back up at him, shoveling away the food as if he hadn't eaten four courses beforehand, and the realization crept up on her slowly. She was really beginning to like this weird boy! Like him a lot!

But she smiled anyway, and resumed eating. She may _like_ Ranma, but she was still _in love_ with Dr. Tofu.

* * *

It was sunset, the goodnight calls of birds echoing through the neighborhood, when the last of the club students began to make their way from the school. One of them was Hikaru Gosunkugi, the infamous "Voodoo Spike of Furinkan High", perpetually miserable, painfully shy, and alike the other morons of the male student body in his affection for Akane. He was leaving his Martial Arts Photography Club meeting, and rounding the school to collect a hidden camera in the girl's locker room, when he came to a peculiar sight, namely Tatewaki Kuno unconscious at the bottom of a deep crater.

He peered around, wondering just how the strongest, most popular student in school ended up in this state, and crept closer to him. Initially, he recoiled at the state of Kuno's body, it looked like someone manhandled him worse than that new kid Saotome at the beginning of class, or maybe it was Saotome. That thought scared him.

Still, seeing the best in class bested made him feel good. He hated these popular kids and their good looks and martial arts skills and their ability to impress girls, this was just awesome. Recalling an American movie he'd seen in his stint in the Martial Arts Film Club, he slid into the crater and stood over Kuno, staring down at his face.

"Y-You got knocked the f-fuck out!" He shouted loudly at him, barely able to contain his glee.

Kuno punched Gosunkugi in the face, knocking _him _the fuck out, as he regained consciousness. Sitting up, his face swollen and heavily bruised, he looked up at the twilight sky and screamed.

"RANMA SAOTOME! YOU! WILL BE! MY QUEST!"

* * *

Ranma and Akane, ended up staying the entire day at the restaurant. Time just went by as the two of them better acquainted themselves with one another. While Akane kept it pretty simple about her past, her mother's death, her taking up the mantle of the school after Kasumi focused on keeping the family together, and her progress as a martial artist, the story around the training trip that led to Ranma's curse alone made her feel almost shamefully inadequate.

He'd told her just about everything, from the duel that he'd been forced to miss out on (Akane inquired about Ryoga's whereabouts, Ranma warned that he'd eventually track him down), to his run in with the Joketsuzoku (It concerned Akane, although Ranma assured there'd be no way _she_ would follow him here), to finally his plans for going back to China and getting it all fixed (Akane happily wished him the best of luck, but suggested that he at least learn some basic Chinese first).

They had only stopped when they noticed how low the sun was in the sky, and when they asked their waiter why they'd let them overstay their welcome the response they got had them both leaving the restaurant with embarrassed blushes (although Akane did kind-heartedly tip well).

"I guess we really did look like a couple, just blabbing away all day like that," Ranma said as they walked along.

Akane laughed as she twisted the handle on her book bag back and forth in her hands. "They were really nice about it, though. They even took some off the bill because we looked so cute together."

Ranma folded his hands behind his head and smiled a bit. "Really, then we ought to go there together more often if we can get a deal like that."

"Gee, you're so scrupulous," Akane teased, before noticing the stain of red on Ranma's shirt where Kuno's sword struck. "Oh, Ranma doesn't that hurt?"

Ranma looked at his shirt, and then lifted it up, revealing a gash covered in dried blood that was joined by fresher stuff seeping from it. Akane looked away briefly, and then glanced back at it. "I told you Kuno was strong."

"I'm stronger though," Ranma retorted, to which Akane could not deny. "I guess I forgot about it in the excitement. It doesn't hurt though, if you're worried."

Akane wasn't worried, nope, anyone who could put someone literally six feet under with one punch probably had graver concerns than a gash others would consider possibly life-threatening. "Well, we should go see Doctor Tofu, he can patch you up."

"Doctor Who?" Ranma asked, his eyebrows rising.

Akane smiled again. "No, no, Tofu, but maybe he is a Time Lord, he's a really good doctor."

Ranma smirked. "Nerd."

"So are you."

The chime to Doctor Tofu Ono's office sang but a few moments later, the handsome doctor pulling himself away from his files to greet his new guests. When he spied an old familiar face accompanied by a new young man, he let out an intrigued hum. "Good evening Akane, and who would this be?"

He regarded Ranma with a closer look. Now that he thought of it, he'd seen him around before, walking to and from school with Akane the other day. It did strike him odd that they were returning so early, but he didn't think anything of it. Ranma examined Tofu with the same mild interest; this guy appeared to be the first competent guy he'd met since arriving here in town. There was something off about him though, his presence was welcoming, amicable but it was so small, as though it could completely disappear if he tried.

Akane spoke, "Oh, this is Ranma Saotome, he's living with us over at the Dojo. He got kind of a nasty cut at school today, it was Kuno."

Ah, so this was the infamous Ranma Saotome. He'd treated quite a few students on their way home, all of them telling the same story of an almost demon-like Martial Artist that Akane turned on them and then unleashed the full brunt of his wrath upon Kuno. Interestingly, they all said the same thing about him.

"I see, then why don't you take a seat right here." Tofu gestured to the examination table, where Ranma took a seat. When the younger man looked over to Akane, she was fidgeting somewhat, her face a little red as she kept her eyes on Tofu before casting them down to the ground. Okay, that was a little odd.

Tofu spoke, capturing his attention, "So, you took a hit from Kuno, Ranma?"

Ranma turned his attention to the doctor as he examined the wound. "Yeah, but it's not a big deal. It doesn't even really hurt."

"Oh?" Tofu poked the wound directly, and it may as well have been him rubbing sandpaper all over it. Big boys didn't cry, but Ranma was as childish as they came, the tears running in streams down his face as he fought hard to not break out into sobs.

"Doesn't hurt, huh?" Akane snorted at his reaction. "High price to pay for being macho, isn't it?"

Tofu began applying a localized anesthetic. "I'm going to clean and stitch the wound, if that's okay with you."

"S-sure Doc…" Ranma hissed as he looked away from where Tofu was applying the anesthetic with several needles, each one hurting more than the last with considerable agony.

Putting away the last syringe, Tofu produced the surgical thread and needle. "So I've heard from quite a few people that the two of you are engaged, is that right?"

Akane sighed, Ranma in too much misery from the now dully throbbing pain to respond. "Our Dads decided it, before we were even born no less! We only just met a few days ago."

"Ah, a marriage of convenience, I was once engaged to a young woman whose parents set it up with mine." Ranma noticed Akane's eyes widen in reaction, how curious. "She was very nice and intelligent, she teaches gym at a good school in Minato, but we both decided that we didn't want to go through with it."

"I see…" Akane murmured. "She wasn't your type?"

"Ah, I wasn't hers," Tofu admitted with a smile, still stitching away. "But the point is, even at our age we're often not ready to make those sorts of commitments. I can't imagine how the two of you must feel to have this pushed onto you."

Ranma looked back to Tofu, while avoiding looking at the needle going in and out of his side. This guy, he seemed to be a pretty okay.

"The two of you are still young; you should be out there falling in love, getting your hearts broken, and then doing it all over again so you can both know what you really want in who you spend the rest of your lives with."

The almost wistful tone in which he spoke tugged at Akane's heartstrings. She answered, and her words carried something that Ranma didn't recognize or understand, "I guess I am a bit too young to know that, aren't I?"

"Some learn faster than others, and you're a bright girl, Akane." Her face bloomed into a blush at that, and it clicked in Ranma's head.

The snip of a pair of scissors precluded Tofu patting his completely numbed side. "Well, there you go."

Ranma looked down and marveled at the stitched up wound. "Hey there, Doc you didn't do too badly."

"Isn't he great?" Akane chirped softly.

"If I weren't good at healing, I'd be a mortician," Tofu joked back as he got up onto his feet. The doctor saw the two of them to the door as Ranma collected his book bag and slipped it on his shoulders. "Now you two stay out of trouble, and Ranma if you must fight don't draw attention to your side."

Akane smiled. "Oh, Ranma's pretty good a fighter, I think he'll be fine." She bowed. "Thank you for taking care of him, Doctor."

"It was my pleasure, Akane." He patted Akane on the back as she walked past, before seeing Ranma past the threshold as well. The moment Ranma went to catch up with her, the Doctor called after him. "Oh, Ranma if I may bother you for a moment more?"

Feeling good from Akane's compliment, Ranma stopped and headed back over to Tofu. "What's up, Doc?"

Tofu looked to Akane, before turning to Ranma. "She's a sweet girl, isn't she?"

At that, Ranma blushed a bit and folded his hands behind his head. What brought this up? "Uh… she's kind of nice, yeah."

The Doctor went on. "Akane has a really fearsome temper, Ranma. You may have not seen it yet in all its fury, but it's there and if you're not careful she could unload it on you and it wouldn't be pretty. This business with Kuno and the boys trying to defeat her have really shortened it, so it'd be good for her to have something–well, someone that she can rely on, fiancé or no."

"I see," Ranma replied quietly.

Tofu smiled, if Ranma didn't like the guy as much as he did so far, he would've sworn he saw a lecherous glint in his eyes. "Temper aside, she's very kind and affectionate, she just needs that trust."

"Affectionate?" Ranma asked, a question mark popping up over his head.

"You'll see, just keep doing what you're doing." Tofu bowed politely to Ranma.

Ranma bowed back. "Doing what I'm doing, huh? Thanks Doc, have a good night."

"You as well, Ranma."

* * *

As Tofu closed the door to lock up for the night, Ranma went back over to Akane and began to walk alongside her for the rest of the walk home. He turned to Akane, and observed her walking with her head down and her bag held in front of her. The temper Tofu warned him about he'd already gotten a fair idea about, and he'd seen her nice and all, but this was a side of her that befuddled him.

"What were you talking about?" She asked him quietly.

"Oh, you know, he just gave me some pointers about protecting my side without giving it away," he lied through his teeth.

His hands slipped from behind his head and into his pockets, it felt kind of awkward now. "So, uh… you like that guy or something?"

Akane sighed, and nodded. Ranma Saotome, Ace Detective. She looked over to him from the corner of her eye. "He's taken care of all my injuries ever since I was little and every time I've gotten sick or needed an examination. He knows me better than I do…"

"Gee, so you really care for him, don't you?"

Akane nodded in reply.

"Ain't he a little old for you, though?"

Another sigh escaped Akane, as she turned and leaned back against a light pole. "That's the only problem. No matter how much I try, I don't think I'll ever be anything more than cute little Akane to him. Besides… he likes Kasumi."

"You don't say?" Hard to disagree with the Doc's tastes, Kasumi was really pretty, but something about her reminded him too much of his own Mom. "Does she like him back?"

Akane shook her head. "I don't think she even realizes it, and he gets really goofy when she's around so it doesn't help his case. Don't see him when she's around, by the way, he will hurt you and not even notice."

He shook his head and sighed, the way Akane just talked to him like this made him feel funny. Not bad, but kind of warm in his chest. He liked the feeling, but at the same time it was so alien to him. "So, what makes him different from all the guys at school who like you? Well, besides the obvious."

The obvious, of course, being that Tofu didn't attack Akane at first sight. Akane gave him a look. "The difference is between Men and Boys, Ranma."

The difference between Men and Boys, what kind of answer was that? "I see? Well I don't…but you know…whatever…"

She scoffed. "And that's the difference."

The change in her tone caught him off guard. "What is?"

Rolling her eyes, and feeling a twinge of irritation rather than light melancholia, Akane pushed herself off from the street lamp. "Let's just go home."

She took two steps, and her legs gave out from under her. "Ah?"

Ranma was at her side quickly, she was already examining herself. "Are you okay?"

"My legs, they just started feeling like they weighed a ton all of a sudden." She answered, rubbing her calves. When had she injured them though, maybe Tofu accidentally hit something when he patted her back? It wasn't the first time. "I'll be fine though, it'll wear off."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, this isn't the first time." Akane tried to get back up, slowly, but dropped back down to her knees. "Oof."

Ranma looked down at her with sympathy, before Tofu's words came into mind. He simultaneously cursed the Doctor for pulling such a sneaky move, and praised him for the wisdom his approach offered. Kneeling down, he took Akane's arm, and put it over his shoulders. She looked over to him.

"What are you…?"

"Just hold onto me, okay?" When she did, Ranma scooped one hand under her tired legs and stood up, hoisting her into his arms with ease. Her light weight genuinely surprised him, but if there was thing Ranma knew, it was never say anything about a girl's weight, good or bad, it always led to trouble.

Akane's face burned a bright red, but not from anger. She was amazed that he was so strong, it was almost like she was being carried in the arms of a living statue

"T-thanks," she murmured as she looked around. "Let's get home quick, okay? I don't want anyone seeing us and getting the wrong idea…"

"Yeah, yeah…"

Despite her request, Ranma still took his time walking and yet she didn't complain. Her bag set in her lap; Akane looped her arms around him and rested her head against his shoulder. It kind of struck her, how it hadn't even been a week but she was already feeling really relaxed around Ranma.

She looked up at him, and caught his eyes moving to point to the sky. When she looked away, her bangs hiding her eyes, his drifted back down. She suddenly looked back up at him, catching him in the act, and he looked away with a blush on his face, she couldn't help but giggle.

"What's so funny?" He asked.

She giggled again, and tightened her hold around him, snuggling against him. For the life of him, Ranma realized that he was never going to figure girls out, even if he could turn into one himself. Still though, this wasn't so bad. "Thanks, by the way."

Akane looked back up at him as he elaborated, "For having my back, I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome." She closed her eyes as she rested her head on his shoulder and was silent for the rest of the trip home. Hearing everyone in the middle of dinner, Ranma avoided the front door and slipped around to the back. With great stealth and dexterity, he slipped inside, using his feet to open and close the patio doors undetected, before creeping to the stairs and soundlessly racing up them.

"Ranma Saotome, you're more of a ninja than the cast of Naruto combined," he congratulated himself at the top of the stairs, and then Kasumi peered from the steps. "Damn."

"Oh!" Kasumi exclaimed quietly when she saw the boy with her little sister in his arms.

Ranma began to babble. "K-Kasumi I'm sorry, it's not what it looks like I just…!"

He stopped when Kasumi brought a finger to her lips and then pointed to Akane. When he looked down, his eyes widened in surprise, she had fallen completely to sleep in his arms. He looked back up to Kasumi, who was wearing a cute smile and had a hand up to her lips to pantomime a giggle. A scarlet flush developed across Ranma's cheeks as he softly laughed as well.

"Uh, please don't tell anybody about this, please Kasumi?" He asked quietly.

Kasumi nodded. "Of course, put her to bed, okay? Oh, and don't you dare try anything perverted."

If she weren't still smiling as she said that, he would've taken offense. "I'm a perfect gentleman, you know."

She couldn't help but agree to that. Kasumi watched Ranma carry Akane to her room, before exiting to retire to his own, and felt warmth bubble up inside her. Her little sister looked content where she was, nestled in that boy's arms–Ranma was definitely the cure for Akane's ails, she just knew it. Still smiling, she headed downstairs.

* * *

The next morning, Akane and Ranma were on their way to school. Ranma wasn't balancing precariously on the fence this time, his pace steady and even alongside Akane's. Neither had spoken to one another outside of the morning pleasantries, they were far too nervous to. As with the walk home the night before, Akane fidgeted with her book bag as she stole glances at Ranma every so often. Whenever her eyes lingered on him, they roamed, and she was just barely able to rein them back in before he looked over.

Ranma was the same way. When she looked away, he looked at her, quietly admiring the things he liked about her. Did she brush her hair a bit more this morning? It was looking shinier than usual, and she did spend a little longer in the shower. His nose twitched a little bit, when he ambled slightly closer to her, catching a faint scent wafting from her. That was a nice smell.

Their arms brushed together, and Akane looked over. "Huh?"

Nervously, Ranma let out a brief laugh and stepped back a bit. "S-sorry…"

"Oh." Akane's face reddened a little. "It's alright."

"Oh, okay." They brushed against each other a few more times after that, as they reached the front gates. As with every other day so far, the male student body was waiting for them. This time however, none of them seemed to be in a fighting mood. Akane looked to Ranma and then to the boys with contemptuous glare.

"You idiots are serious, aren't you?" She demanded. On closer inspection, however, Akane realized they were crying. Oh God, just what she needed to reinforce her views of the opposite gender, teenage boys crying in front of her.

"Akane, we have all decided that we will no longer challenge you." A member of the Shaolin Soccer Club spoke through his tears as others behind him cried more profusely. "Instead we will swallow our pride and give our approval to your engagement to Ranma!"

Anger flashed through Akane and she tensed up. "Are you fucking serious?"

She went ignored by the boys as the reason Steven Chow gave up on a Shaolin Soccer sequel turned to Ranma and took the bemused boy's hands. "Please, be a good man to Akane. You are a far, far stronger man than any of us."

Ranma's confusion turned into a deadpan stare as he drew his hands away. "I don't believe this."

"Ah?" Rather than take offense, the boys backed up from Ranma, fearful of another beating. Akane's look was far, far more murderous.

"That's it!" she yelled. "After three weeks straight of beating 'NO MEANS NO' into your thick skulls, you only stop because Ranma kicked your asses?!"

Another student, realizing that Akane was about to call down the thunder, tried his best to explain it. "No, it's because Ranma, well he…!"

"He did what? What did he do that was so much better?! What did he fucking do that made you stop?! Did he hit that much fucking harder?!" Akane screamed, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. At that moment, a much better target of Akane's wrath appeared on the scene. His face bandaged from the severity of his injuries Tatewaki Kuno sauntered onto the scene, his uncovered eyes–the rings of the bruises around them visible–narrowed and locked onto Ranma.

"So you've all heard the lies and trickery, the supposed rumor that Ranma Saotome bested me!" Kuno aimed his bokken at Ranma. "The King of Heroes Tatewaki Kuno does not admit defeat!"

The other boys were not as convinced. One looked aside to Ranma. "He was Furinkan High School's greatest fighter, and you knocked him unconscious for hours."

"Greatest pervert is more like it, though you're all in the running," Ranma growled back.

Kuno growled and undid the bandages around his head. He brandished his sword and assumed a ready stance. "We shall see about that! This will be our final battle, for you will fall here! One hundred punches, two hundred punches, from a coward like you they don't even itch! I shall defeat you, and Akane will be mine!"

Less than a week of this and he was already tired of it, God damn. Still, punching Kuno in the face was fun. "Who are you calling a coward, retard?"

Akane grabbed his arm, stopping him. He looked at her, and saw she was seriously about to cry. "…Whoa, Akane are you alright?"

She took in a quick breath to force down her tears and then yanked him with her. "Come on! We're going to be late!"

"But Akane, he Kuno…!"

"I'm not missing class because of you, come on!" she yelled at him, angrily. That immediately silenced Ranma's protests, and he gave Kuno and the other boys a harsh look as he was led off.

Kuno glowered back. "How dare you forfeit, Saotome? Get back here!"

"I'm not forfeiting anything!" Ranma yelled back before he was pulled inside. He yanked his hand from Akane and rounded her. "What the Hell?"

"Just shut up, okay!" she yelled at him.

He recoiled. "Jeez, what the Hell did I do?!"

"Leave me alone." Akane shoved past him and walked to class, bringing her arm up to wipe her eyes on as she did. Now completely baffled, Ranma watched her go and brought a hand to the side of his head to scratch it. Lowering his hand, he felt something amiss and looked back towards the door. Kuno was slumped against it with a line of footprints pressed into his chakras.

"Huh, must've not even noticed him." Lowering his foot, he followed Akane to class.

* * *

Akane didn't even so much as look at Ranma throughout the course of the day, let alone talk to him. It left him frustrated, what the Hell did he do to suddenly deserve the silent treatment from her? It wasn't like he was being a prick to her or anything like that; it was all those other guys! By gym class, he was at the end of his rope and suddenly found himself with a pair of satellites orbiting him.

"You're pretty impressive with that martial arts stuff," Hiroshi said to Ranma as he sat at his left. Daisuke took position at his right.

"Yeah, clobbering Kuno like that was pretty boss. That guy's a jackass," the other boy said.

Ranma paid little mind to the two, his attention focused squarely on Akane playing baseball across the field. "Uh huh… who are you two?"

"Hiroshi, that's Daisuke," Hiroshi introduced before cutting to the chase. "So, you two fuck yet?"

"What?" Ranma was half listening as Akane ran to catch a fly-ball.

"You're her fiancé right?" Daisuke's question irked at Ranma.

"So of course you've had to have fucked her," Hiroshi pressed.

"No." Ranma said flatly, too engrossed with his frustration over the girl to grievously injure the two of them.

"Liar, I bet you've done it all," Daisuke said.

Hiroshi put him in a playful headlock. "I bet she's even sucked your cock!"

What the fuck was wrong with these people? If it weren't painfully obvious that so much as staring at them pointedly would kill them both, Ranma would be leaving both these perverts in much deeper holes than the one he left Kuno in. He focused back on Akane, who was sitting pretty with a victorious smile on her face after getting the last out.

"Huh…" Ranma became drawn to the smile, more than anything else. She sure was cute when she was in a good mood.

"Man, look at her," Daisuke said, "She's so hot."

Hiroshi nudged Ranma with an elbow. "So what's your favorite part, her breasts?"

Daisuke grinned. "Is it her thighs, or her butt?"

"Maybe even," both boys said together, "Her calves?"

Ranma gave both of them a weird look as Akane came up to bat. "That's all you guys can think about, huh?"

"Well, what man wouldn't?" Daisuke asked.

Ranma stared at Daisuke as Akane swung a strike, his expression blooming in epiphany. It was a rough guess, but it suddenly all made sense. "… The difference between men and boys…"

A baseball plowed into Ranma's jaw, embedding itself into his cheek and knocking him flat onto his back. At the plate, Akane and the other girls stared in shocked horror, while Hiroshi and Daisuke looked down at him.

"Uh, Ranma… why didn't you dodge that?" Daisuke asked as he and his friend peered down at him, filling Ranma's vision as he looked up at them. They were joined by Hikaru Gosunkugi, who snapped a picture of him.

"Y-you got knocked the fuck out!" He said, victoriously, before running off to escape being hit like before.

* * *

Akane had apologized for the twenty-eighth time by the time classes had ended, but due to the throbbing pain in her jaw Ranma was afraid to open her mouth to say anything, for fear of aggravating any grievous fracture or dislodging any teeth. Naturally, the two were headed straight for Tofu's clinic.

"I'm sorry about the ice water," Akane lamented, apologizing for something else for once. In getting something for Ranma to drink in the nurse's office, she had tripped and splashed him into her. Ranma though wasn't mad about it or anything really. It was just that her jaw just hurt so much.

"Mm…" She nodded in return, hoping to convey forgiveness. Akane sighed and looked away, still fearing that she may have done a bit too much damage with her treatment of him earlier and the baseball hit.

She decided to apologize for something else again. "I'm sorry for yelling at you. I was really angry and… but you know it's not my fault! I…"

Like a recurring villain or a plague, Kuno appeared bearing the souvenirs of his latest tangle with Ranma. Akane turned and glared at her. "Ranma!"

"It just happened–ow!" She clutched her jaw in pain.

Kuno, expecting to find Ranma with Akane, stopped in surprise when he found it to be his Wood Nymph. "Oh, my Pigtailed Wood Nymph, I've found you again!"

Just in case her headache wasn't bad enough, God appeared to have decided. Kuno grasped her hands, clutching them tenderly. "How I've longed to see you again."

Damn the pain in her jaw. "What about Akane?"

"What about her?" Kuno looked with warm affection over to Akane, who looked like she was going to projectile vomit. He turned back to Ranma, and she immediately understood the feeling. "Who says that I cannot have you both?"

Ranma and Akane looked to one another, and then back to Kuno. When they were done with him, he was stripped of his kendogi, bruised, bloodied and suspended from the tree by the seat of his fundoshi. By the time he was finally cut down, the Doctors were certain that he'd be speaking in falsetto for weeks.

* * *

Arriving at Tofu's Clinic and evading the crowd that gathered to watch a panda sweep the front sidewalk, Ranma and Akane seated themselves in the examination room. Tofu was taken off-guard by the extent of the damage.

"Well, nothing's broken or chipped," he declared as he examined the inside of Ranma's mouth while pressing his fingers to the jaw. "There's just going to be a nasty bruise there for a while. What happened here, Ranma? Did Akane hit this ball?"

Ranma, male again after Akane fetched a kettle in the waiting room, looked over to the girl and noticed the grim expression that she wore when Tofu asked the question. "No, I was playing baseball and I got hit by a line drive when something distracted me."

Akane looked at him, and deflated somewhat in relief. Tofu laughed. "Well you'd better pay more attention; baseball is a pretty dangerous sport if you're not careful. Now if you'd hang on a second, I need to grab some disinfectant and some pain killers for you."

The moment he left, Akane asked. "Why did you…?"

"I get it, okay?" Ranma replied. "I know why you like Tofu so much."

Akane recoiled, her face reddening. She bit her lower lip and then sighed. Ranma rubbed his jaw, wincing at the stinging pain, and continued. "It's the difference between men and boys, right? Tofu is a man, and all of those other guys are the boys."

That Akane didn't expect from Ranma. She stared at him pointedly. "Yeah… that's it."

"You know, these two guys during gym kept asking me if we did it," Ranma stated as he began to idly kick his feet as they dangled off the examination table.

Akane's face colored. "W-what did you tell them?"

"I told them we didn't, but you're right you know? There's nothing but a bunch of perverts at that whole school."

Akane sighed in relief and rested her hands on her lap. "At least they'll back off now, since I belong to you and everything." She was bitter, but not soul-crushingly so. "It isn't like anything I did mattered, I was just resisting. I bet they thought I was being coy by beating them up, huh?"

She sighed again. "That's all."

Ranma smiled to Akane. "Eh, if they want to believe that then let them. It just means that those idiots won't slow you down anymore and you can focus on being a better martial artist."

Akane looked from her hands and back at Ranma. She smiled as well. "Thanks."

"No problem." She had his back, so he was going to have hers. It was the least he could do for the kindness. "I'm gonna tell you right out, I don't feel comfortable about hitting girls, but if you want to train with me and stuff, you can. All you have to do is ask, okay?"

The gesture genuinely touched Akane, and her smile grew. Ranma almost immediately felt his focus slip as he was reminded of how much he liked that smile.

"Thank you Ranma, that really means a lot to me," she said.

In the doorway leading from the examination room to the storage closet, Tofu and Genma watched quietly as the two patched up their minor tiff. While the Panda was already envisioning wedding bells and the union of the schools within the week, Tofu was observing the bit of growth between the two in a different, more mature light. He could not help his own smile; Ranma was finding a place in Akane's heart.

"Hello, Doctor Tofu, are you in?" Kasumi's happy greeting carried through the clinic.

Tofu's glasses went opaque.

Ranma and Akane bolted from the examination room for their very lives.

And Genma was doomed.

* * *

A/N: And that's the last of the merged chapters! Yay!


	4. Misguided Missile

Disclaimer: This is a long one. In case of boredom, idiocy, or Woli: **JUMP OUT THE WINDOW!**

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Misguided Missile

_A Weapon of Massive Density_

**[4.]**

With Kuno undergoing extensive, painful physical therapy following the extracting of his testicles from his gastrointestinal tract, the next few weeks passed by peacefully for everyone who went to Furinkan High School. However, peace was not to reign forever on the ward of Nerima, for a sinister force approached with nothing but ill-intent for our protagonist Ranma Saotome. An immense and terrible power, driven by a long-simmering revenge was set to unleash its wrath as it approached…but at the last possible moment made a right at Akihabara and went completely the wrong way.

Completely unawares of his brush with destiny, Ranma was getting himself nicely adjusted to his new life in the Tendo Dojo. The Tendos were fairly nice, the school was okay without Kuno to challenge the fortitude of his brain cells, and his friendship with Akane was going along quite smoothly. To the chagrin of both their fathers, it seemed the more they got along, the easier it was to tell them both to lie down and die whenever the subject of joining the schools. Yep, life was actually good for Ranma, curse notwithstanding.

"Morning Tendos, morning Pop." Ranma greeted as he came down from his morning wash. As usual the Panda had considered his post-spar dip in the pond his bath and was already stinking up the joint with wet fur. How Nabiki and Kasumi could tolerate it was beyond him.

_"I wish he would transform back, or go outside before I poison his food."_Kasumi's friendly smile to Ranma said to Nabiki.

_"We can sell him to the Zoo; Japan's been dying for one they didn't have to rent from the Chinese."_Nabiki's affable nod to Ranma replied to her older sister.

Ranma sat down, suitably put-off by the malicious aura coming from the older daughters. "Good morning Akane, sleep well?"

"Uh-huh." As she fed her face with one hand, Akane suddenly lashed out the other for the side of Ranma's head.

He ducked under the blow, scooping rice into his mouth as he did so. "Good to hear, rest is important." He leaned back to avoid another blow, then laid back when Akane performed a swift horizontal chop. Not missing a bite, he rolled backward and dodged a vertical blow that split the tatami flooring beneath him.

"You won't do it at this rate." He said as he ate his food without looking at her.

Akane finished her rice and then threw one of her chopsticks at Ranma; the boy deflected it with both of his before he crossed them both with one hand to block the second thrust towards him like a knife as he downed the entire bowl with one hand. When she punched with her free hand, he caught her fist in the emptied bowl.

Ranma stared impassively at Akane, and she stared back at him. Utensils discarded, she launched after him with repeated strikes, first punches but then stab-like blows as she advanced on him in a crouch. Like clockwork Ranma evaded them all before slipping underneath her strikes and back to the table where he scooped up some fish from a serving dish and quickly ate them.

"Breakfast was great, Kasumi!" He rolled clear of a kick from Akane and hopped into a tight flip over her to get to the door.

"Don't talk with you mouth full!" Kasumi admonished before she waved after Akane as she followed in hot pursuit. "Have a good day at school."

Akane grabbed her bag and waved back. "Bye Kasumi, see you after school!" Just like that, the two of them were gone. Kasumi, ever serene, served herself some more rice as the rest of those present at the table finished eating.

Outside, Ranma could not help but be a little impressed. Attacking in the middle of breakfast was underhanded, unexpected, and completely unfair–Akane was finally beginning to get the point of indiscriminate grappling! Of course, she still had a lot of work to do. She was fast, but nowhere near his level of speed but that's what this training was for.

"Just one hit's all I have to land…!" Akane reminded herself as she pursued him down the street, staying in very close quarters with him with very quick whipping blows matched with darting strikes to keep him from planting his feet. Through it all, Ranma kept just a step ahead of her, evading and slipping from her attacks as folks along the route to their school stopped to watch their daily routine. It was very simple yet effective endurance and speed training. All Akane had to do was touch Ranma once, which was naturally easier said than done. However, she was definitely showing some wicked improvement.

"Good morning Akane!" Sayuri and Yuka greeted as Ranma hopped past them, narrowly avoiding a kick.

"Hello Yuka, hello Sayuri." Akane replied, more focused on tagging Ranma but showing enough consideration to wave to her friends.

Ranma landed and back-flipped over another student's head, before grabbing him by the shirt and moving him in between himself and Akane, forcing her to stop her punch inches from the poor sap's face. When Akane tried to attack from the flank, Ranma moved the startled student between them again, once more aborting her strikes. Finally, Ranma let the kid go, and sidestepped the palm thrust that Akane immediately launched once he was clear.

"Ha, you didn't hurt him this time." He smiled to her as the student, still bearing a black eye from a previous unfortunate mishap scowled at him.

"You're such a jackass, Saotome! Use someone else as a human shield next time!" He yelled. Akane lunged to grab Ranma, but he had already taken a few hops back and was heading past the gates.

"Get back here…!" Akane took off after him, failing to notice the young man with a backpack in the middle of roughly interrogating Hiroshi. Then again, nobody really noticed anything happening to that loser or his friend.

Ranma reached the schoolyard, which meant today's training session was near a close. Weaving around the students socializing before the opening of the doors, Ranma looked back to see if Akane was after him. That was odd, he lost sight of her. Movement out the corner of his eye changed that and he turned to jump back from…Yuka.

"Hello Yuka." Sayuri appeared at his other side, both girls smiling at him. "Hello, Sayuri…"

Yuka suddenly lunged to the side, and Ranma stepped back to avoid an attack from Akane that never came. Looking back as time appeared to slow, he could see Sayuri move, revealing Akane's actual lunge for him. She smiled determinedly as she reached to grab him, but it fell off her face when she ended up falling through an afterimage of him.

"Huh?" She looked around along with her friends for Ranma, before all three looked up to the now airborne young man. He had jumped at the last possible second.

"That was close…" He said before he experienced a phenomenon that one would consider a Newtype Flash if this were Gundam and not Martial Arts "Comedy". "This pressure…what is it?"

"Ranma, prepare to die!" Ranma sighed, when the good times come to an end, boy did they come to an end.

* * *

Ryoga Hibiki's aerial attack was laughingly avoided in mid-air, but the end result was decidedly less funny as the end of his umbrella hit the ground and created a very deep crater. Landing on the edge of it and stumbling back, Ranma looked down at the kneeling young man that slowly rose to his feet. Shifting his umbrella to his shoulder, Ryoga stared up at his quarry and let out a snort.

"You haven't changed Ranma; you're still good at running away." He sneered.

Akane reached Ranma's side and looked at Ryoga. Someone who wanted to fight Ranma and clearly wasn't a student at their school. Could it have been? "No way, Ranma _this_is the bread feud guy?"

Inwardly, Ranma was glad that Akane remembered when the subject came up, because it was still rather difficult for him to put a name to the face of the animal that had tried to kill him just now. It was Ryoga though, there was that same perpetually pissed-off expression he wore whenever he out foxed him to get the last bread of the day. When did he get so strong? Oh well, no point in dwelling on that, it just meant that he had himself a new punching bag.

"Oh hey Ryoga, how have you been?" Ranma asked.

"How have I been?" Ryoga grew angrier. "How have I been since you ran away from our fight!"

Ranma cut him off. "Hang on a second; I waited three days for you to show up in that parking lot. I even camped out there!" On the first day Ranma had thought Ryoga was pulling a Miyamoto Musashi. On the second day, he'd thought that something had happened to him. By the third day, his Father got sick of his waiting for the moron and dragged his ass to China.

"My jaw still aches from that sucker punch…" He grumbled to himself.

"Yes, and when I arrived on the fourth day, you were gone! Fled like a damn coward!" Ryoga snarled. Akane groaned, this was already sounding familiar. Lose one idiot, gain another.

"Excuse me?" She cut in. Ryoga looked to her and his tirade momentarily was halted. What a cute girl. "I know this isn't my business, but I've heard about this and I'm curious."

"Ah, what is it?" Ryoga asked.

"Well," Akane tried to put this as nicely as she could, "Why did it take you four days to walk straight down a street?"

Ryoga flushed, and naturally focused his ire onto the source of his misery. "Ranma, what have you been going around telling people?" He gripped the handle of his umbrella. "That I was taking my sweet time? I suffered! I struggled to find my way to our battlefield and then you ran away!"

Good lord, did he have a terrible sense of direction or something? She looked over to Ranma, who seemed similarly perplexed by Ryoga's ranting. "So…you want to finish the fight?"

"Finish the fight? I want revenge!" Opening his umbrella, Ryoga sent it spinning like a deadly top towards Ranma, who put his hand on Akane's back and walked with her out of its path as it tore up the ground and sent other students flying. It returned to Ryoga's hand, and he dramatically held it above his head.

"No matter what it takes," He said as Ranma stared, "I will destroy your happiness Ranma!"

The bell rang, and the students began filing away to the door. Walking past Ryoga, Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "Sure Ryoga, just can we do it another time? I don't want to be late for class."

"I just can't believe it." Akane muttered. "Kuno actually has something on this guy."

Ranma actually took offense to that. "Since when did Kuno deserve any credit?"

Ryoga looked around, and realized that everyone was just walking away. "Hey! Ranma, get back here! We're doing this now!"

"Hey, unless you're a student here, you should get going." Daisuke said as he led a shaken Hiroshi past. Helpless to do anything, Ryoga stood there and watched as the last students went inside the building. Under any other circumstances, he'd gladly barge in, but that was a school building, with many corridors and turns. He could make a left and suddenly wind up in Kyoto.

"Very well Ranma, but I'll still have my revenge." Ryoga growled before he turned for the gate. He ended up in Osaka.

* * *

"Curry Bread, Chow Mein Bread, Croquette Bread, Melon Bread, Cutlet Sandwiches, Meat Bread, Seaweed Bread, and just about everything else on the menu. After so many slights, it's only natural that he became angry like that." Kasumi pointed out a few days later as Ranma and the Tendo Sisters were assembled around the table. The subject of Ryoga had been avoided until a challenge came in the mail for Ranma.

"It's also natural for species that can't compete to go extinct." Nabiki replied with her attention more focused on her biology homework than a relatively uninteresting bit of drama.

Ranma ducked under another swipe from Akane, the two of them slowly circling the table as the latter tried to touch the former. "Well, it was never anything personal. You had to be quick or you didn't eat, I only accepted the challenge so he could get it out of his system."

"Had to be quick or you didn't eat, what kind of school doesn't have enough food for all of its students at lunch?" Kasumi asked.

"I know! It sounds like a school run by Charles zi Britannia." Akane snapped a kick over Nabiki's head, messing her hair as she lashed out at Ranma and missed again.

"Nerd." Nabiki and Ranma chimed together. Kasumi shook her head and examined the challenge closely.

"Ranma, this challenge is stated for yesterday." She noted.

"He's got the world's worst sense of direction." Akane answered with her hand a hair's breadth from tagging Ranma.

"Right now he's probably asking someone in some anachronistic region of Japan which way Tokyo is and is going the wrong way…" Ranma began.

"…As he's talking to them." Akane finished. Both had no idea how right they were by the way, but that wasn't what had Kasumi or Nabiki's attention. The two older Tendo sisters looked to each other with first surprise and then knowing smiles before they both resumed watching Ranma and Akane's protracted training session. They both certainly agreed that they liked what they were seeing.

With a break from the training in effect, Ranma and Akane ventured out to a nearby convenience store, the former with the intention of resolving the feud with Ryoga before it got too out of hand. It was also an excuse to get out of the house; Soun and Genma were being pushy about getting married in light of their routinely friendly intercourse. It was getting ugly; Akane actually had a screaming match with her Father over it the week before.

"Your old man is a lot like mine. Not as petty or greedy, but definitely a lot like him." Ranma grumbled as they searched the sandwich case at the corner of the store.

Akane sighed. "They are both masters of the same school, but Daddy used to be a lot better when my Mother was still alive. He loved her so much."

The doorbell chimed and Ranma glanced back to it on reflex. Nothing out of the usual, just a woman in a kimono carrying something wrapped up in paper. He turned back to Akane. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't wanna."

"Thanks." Akane picked up another sandwich and dropped it in the basket. "It'd be nice to have the old him back, though. Kasumi too, they used to spar every morning like you and your Dad do."

"Is that so?" Ranma smiled at imagining Kasumi kicking Soun into the koi pond. Was that why Akane never seemed upset by it? "It's not fair, you keep telling me about how Kasumi used to be, and it's making me curious."

Akane looked over to him and smirked. "Oh? I thought you didn't like to hit girls."

"I don't, especially after Shampoo, but it's one of those things that'll probably bother me forever unless I get a chance to practice with her. Like a life-long regret, you know?" He looked past Akane towards the other end of the store as the woman in the kimono caught his eye again. Wait a minute…

Akane laughed. "Oh, I had no idea it was so serious." Ranma suddenly grew pale and began looking around wildly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry!" He suddenly ushered her into the corner, his hands on the wall at either side of her head.

"Ranma, what are you…?" She began to demand before she noticed the truly terrified look on his face. Looking past him as she grew increasingly flustered, she saw only a woman in a kimono carrying something wrapped in paper, picking out a bottle of sake.

This was getting weird. "Ranma, what's going on?"

"I-is she looking this way?" He quickly replied.

"Do you mean the lady in the kimono?" Akane grew quieter. "No."

"Don't make eye contact with her!" Ranma panted.

The kind and gentle-looking woman then looked towards them, and Akane blushed brighter in embarrassment and avoided her gaze. Staring at the scene in curiosity for a moment, the woman hid her smile with the sleeve of her kimono and quietly departed for the front of the store. Sensing her moving away without looking, Ranma closed his eyes and pulled away from Akane gasping for breath. Naturally, Akane was completely baffled.

"Who was that?" Akane asked.

"That was my mother." Akane's eyes bugged out. "It's bad, I know, but I have my reasons!"

She looked towards the woman, in the midst of cashing out her sake. "Is she an alcoholic or something? That's a mighty big bottle for one little lady."

"No…" Ranma took a deep breath. "My Mom didn't want my Pop taking me back out on the training trip after what happened with the Cat-Fist, so Pop convinced Mom to let me go on the condition that I return a 'Man among men' and had me sign a contract in my blood."

Akane stared. "…Your _blood_?"

"Yeah, and if I see her again and have no way to prove that I'm a 'Man among men', I have to commit seppuku with Mom as the second, both me and Pop."

Akane looked towards the package his mother carried, and then back to Ranma. "That's a sword in there, isn't it?"

"It's the family blade."

"Holy shit." Akane covered her mouth. "I mean uh…well…holy shit. I didn't know people even did that anymore!"

Ranma stared at her, and she rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, arranged marriage, old fashioned parents, I get it! But this is insane; you can't possibly hope to prove that you're a man if you turn into a girl!" It dawned onto her immediately Ranma's eagerness to find a reversal for the curse. "_Oh_."

"Uh-huh." Ranma nodded. "It all makes sense now."

The woman left, and Ranma sighed in relief and frustration. Akane rested a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, I didn't know it was so bad. I'm sorry."

"Nah, don't be. You didn't do anything." Ranma grabbed a last sandwich and headed to the check out with Akane close at hand. "It's my problem and I gotta fix it, there's isn't anything else I can do."

Huh, maybe if his Mom saw this side of him she'd overlook the whole curse thing. "If it's any consolation, I think you're a Man."

It took a moment for that to set in, but with what he knew about her, that compliment struck Ranma and he blushed. "Wow…thanks Akane…"

Akane smiled to Ranma before the clerk set an extra bag down containing a box. Both looked at the orange box barely visible through the plastic with curiosity as the former reached and opened it. The cashier spoke. "The nice lady in the kimono paid for them and told me to give them to you, said something about young couples staying young or something."

Ranma looked from the cashier to Akane as her face went the brightest, cutest red he ever saw on her. Looking in the bag, his face went just as red. That it was his own mother made his embarrassment all the more unbearable. He palmed his face.

"Aw, jeez Mom…"

It was a 24-Pack of condoms, ribbed for her pleasure.

* * *

The convenience store incident was written off vehemently by both, and immediately filed under "It never happened". It was a small miracle that no one they knew had seen them, but just in case they were never going to shop there again. At least they got what they came for out of it, the bag of sandwiches that Ranma held as he squared off with Ryoga in the schoolyard three days later.

"So you finally have the guts to show up." Ryoga demanded, nevermind the fact that Ranma had been waiting the last two days for him to show up, good old déjà vu. On the sidelines, Akane sighed as she watched some more low-brow posturing from someone whose common sense suffered as badly as his directional.

She looked over to Ranma, as the few boys nearby began to call over others to gather around for the fight. Of course there wouldn't be one, getting this bread feud cleared up would see to that, or at least she hoped it would. He was at least pretty adamant on avoiding another spectacle at school after the Kuno fiasco–outside was another story, though.

"Look." Ranma started out. "I didn't come to fight, okay? Just take this and let's be over with it."

Ryoga was surprised that his hated foe threw a sandwich to him. He stared down at it and then back at Ranma. What was the meaning of this? He asked Ranma as much and the other boy sighed.

"Well? It makes us even, right?" So long as the idiot went away. To his chagrin, however…

"Is this a joke?" Oh great, now he was confused and angry. Akane buried her face in her hands and shook her head.

"Oh God…" Even as she muttered her pleas to an uncaring God, Ranma was mistaking Ryoga's fury over this slight for a demand of greater reparations. The sandwiches he brought were all tossed to Ryoga, who grew angrier with each one.

Ryoga finally growled and shouted out. Steam was nearly pouring from his ears at this point. "What are you trying to pull, Saotome?"

Ranma sighed. "This is over all of the bread, isn't it?"

"What?" Ryoga slammed down his backpack. "You think mere food will satisfy my lost honor?"

Honor? Oh boy, this was going from bad to worse. Akane got up and began to head over before it went from worse to stupid. Unfortunately, she stepped in a few weeks too late. Ryoga had examined the sandwiches, and somehow managed to become angrier.

"These are past the sell-by date, anyway!" He roared at Ranma.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Well hey I got them two days ago! I've been waiting for your lost-ass to get here, you know!"

When Ryoga lost to reason, he opted to win by force. Before Akane could say a word he was pursuing Ranma, thrusting at him with his umbrella of all things. She shook her head in disbelief. "Oh come on…Ranma, don't you dare fight him!"

"I'm not!" He yelled back as he took to the air. Whoops, there was Ryoga. "Wait a second, what is this all about, anyway?"

"Thanks to you I've seen Hell!" Ryoga thrust the umbrella for Ranma's chest and missed predictably. Even in midair Ranma was just faster than Akane could comprehend. The two landed, the students cheering at the impressive feat of aerobatics without realizing that lives were at stake.

Seen Hell, over bread? Akane couldn't keep quiet anymore. "Ranma, are you sure this is about bread? Did you forget anything else?"

Ryoga paused and looked over. "Who is she, and why does she act familiar with you?"

Oh boy, serious déjà vu now. Ranma looked over to Akane. "I'm telling you that's all there is!"

"Saotome, answer me!"

He went ignored as Akane folded her arms. "Did you humiliate him some other way? Beat up a friend of his?"

"No." Ranma replied.

"Steal money from him?

"No."

"Steal his girlfriend?"

"Look at him; does he look like the type who could have one?"

Akane hummed as she considered all the evidence. "Well, no…I suppose not."

Ryoga's anger was having a red-letter day. "Damn it Saotome! Stop ignoring me, who is this girl and…and…!" He stopped, and an evil glint appeared in his eyes. Ranma caught it, and naturally he harkened back to the day before. Oh boy. "So, she's your girlfriend?"

"It's complicated." Ranma admitted. "She's not my girlfriend, but whatever the case you're not getting her involved in this."

"You seemed to have no problem doing so!" Whipping his bandanna from his forehead and spinning it up, Ryoga threw it like at Ranma like a shuriken. How odd, to throw a piece of cloth like that, Ranma mused before he evaded it to be on the safe side and glanced back to see it cut clean through a tree. Okay, this guy was upgraded from a Kuno-level nuisance to outright annoyance.

Ryoga drew several more bandannas, and pointed his umbrella at Ranma. "How dare you. As I languish, you carry on with your life like it was one grand joke. You even get a cute girlfriend!"

"What did I just tell you? She is not my girlfriend!" Ranma glanced at Akane, she was cute though. "But yeah she is cute."

Akane repressed the small smile that tried to creep up on her face when he flushed at the cute girlfriend comment. Ranma went on. "My Pop and I are just staying at her house, that's all!"

Top score, Ranma, he could fall from a plane and dodge the ground but damn could he put his own foot in his big mouth.

"LIVING WITH A CUTE GIRL!" Ryoga hurled his bandannas at him with all his might. "WHILE I'VE BEEN SUFFERING EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE YOU'VE MOVED IN WITH A CUTE GIRL LIKE THAT? I'LL KILL YOU, RANMA SAOTOME!"

Oh God, and both Ranma and Akane thought Kuno got angry. The three blades shot at him like bullets, forcing him to use much more speed to evade the attacks. Ryoga was right after him, thrusting the umbrella for his chest. "DIE FOR MY SUFFERING YOU BASTARD!"

"Jeez, volume control, idiot!" Ranma evaded the stab, and another. "She's not my girlfriend, how many times do I gotta tell you this!"

"So you dare insult me further?" Ryoga opened the umbrella and sent it spinning like an obscenely deadly top, just like before. And just like before, Ranma evaded it, hopping onto the spinning weapon and leaping off into the air before landing behind Ryoga.

Watching the umbrella go on and fly off, and considering that those bandana of his otherwise seemed to be made of cloth, Ranma came to the conclusion that Ryoga was not just some angry martial artist. He had power, and a lot of it, if he weren't careful one of those hits could hurt as bad as Kuno's hit back then. What a pain in the neck this was going to be, but at the same time he couldn't deny that his blood was getting worked up. Genuinely strong opponents were what martial artists looked for to improve their own skills, after all.

Oops, there was Ryoga again, lunging at him with that Tiger Style strike of his. Ranma sidestepped the blow, which went into the cement wall he'd backed himself into and completely smashed it to bits. Witnessing the destruction, Akane came to the same conclusion as Ranma had and took it to the extreme. "Ranma, don't stay in close, he's dangerous!"

Backing out of the dust, Ranma was distracted by Akane's cry when a bandanna lashed around his wrist. Glowing red eyes shone from the dust as Ryoga raised his other hand. "For someone who's not your girlfriend, she sure does care. It's a pity that she has to watch you die!"

Ranma stopped it cold from reaching his face with two fingers, shocking everyone who had witnessed the previous destructive blow, Ryoga most of all. "What the…?"

"Hey, you need to put a lot of strength into being fast." Ranma said to Akane. "See? I got this."

Akane sighed in relief, but was still very much amazed. A blow powerful enough to break down a wall, and he just caught it like that. Ranma…he was scary strong too, was this why he didn't like fighting girls? As she pondered this, Ranma and Ryoga shuffled back and forth, trying to overpower one another. The former seemed just fine with this sort of stalemate, hopefully it could mean he could reason with the increasingly irrational latter.

"Weeks, no…months of humiliation, hardship, and suffering…and here you are. How dare you even resist, knowing what you've done?" Ryoga demanded. Damn, he was getting annoying with this shit.

"If I knew what I did specifically, I would!" Ranma shot back.

Ryoga wasn't listening. "Yet you continue to still play dumb! How much further are you going to push me? Acting like nothing happened, even mocking me with that girlfriend of yours!"

Ranma delivered a head-butt and glared straight into his eyes. "Let me make this perfectly clear, moron! She isn't my God damn girlfriend!"

Then, the inexplicable happened. In front of the entire school, with seemingly no regard for his own life or that of those around him, Ryoga said the following:

"What are you gay or something?"

Akane's eyes flew wide in horror and she ran for her life. She didn't need to look back to know what was about to happen. The sky was already growing dark, thunder rumbled through the sky, and the very Earth beneath her feet began to tremble–most likely in unfathomable terror. Those bearing witness to the fight did not know what to make of the sudden shift in mood, or why Akane was running away like the end of days had come…until they saw the look on Ranma's face. They all ran screaming.

Ryoga, for his merit, did not show any fear. In fact, he relished the fact that he'd struck a nerve with Ranma. "Oh, did I say the wrong thing?"

The impact from Ranma's punch registered a 9.5 on the Richter scale in Switzerland.

* * *

Back in Japan, Ryoga regained consciousness in mid-flight, and looked up to see Ranma hurtling down on him like God, Buddha, _and_ Kamen Rider. The flying kick smashed into Ryoga, and both went straight into a fountain on the other side of the trees in front of Akane and the other fleeing students. That impact sent a shockwave that whipped trees and blew up skirts and was followed by a geyser of water that Ranma sprang from and landed in front of in female form.

Akane gawked at the scene. The nerd in her couldn't help but speak. "They call that…Jin…Jinrai…"

It was by sheer luck that Ryoga had found his umbrella lying right where he landed and grabbed it before the ground gave way, or the fight would've been over. Having ridden the geyser and landed clear of it as it receded; he immediately closed and slashed it at Ranma as she lunged at him with another kick.

"Who are you calling gay, you bastard?" She screamed as she landed, not even paying any mind to the fact that the blow had completely taken off her shirt. "I asked you a question!"

Ryoga looked from the shirt in confusion and towards the screechy girl who had attacked him. His eyes predictably went wide when he found himself staring at sweet, incredible tit-flesh before Ranma's kick connected with his chin and sent him into and through a tree like a power drill. Laid out for a moment, Ryoga got up and stared at his opponent in disbelief.

"R-Ranma, is that you?"

"Who else would it be, jackass?" She yelled back before Akane ran over.

"Ranma, look down!" She called to her. Stopping, Ranma looked down and groaned. Oh great, how could this day get any better? Akane stopped over by her. "You didn't even notice that you changed?"

"No." All consuming rage did that. Akane sighed and shook her head; she knew this was going to happen if she fought.

Ryoga, still dumbfounded, tried to find his anger but could not in the presence of such glorious, perky breasts. "Ranma, you…you…"

Sighing, Ranma took a few steps back from murderous intent and went back to the path of diplomacy. "Well, there you have it Ryoga. I don't know why you're so bitter but here it is my karmic punishment. I'm stuck with this cursed body."

"He's a nice person though." Akane spoke up for her. "I mean, he's not a bad guy once you get to know him. Come on Ryoga, can't you see he's suffering enough with this?"

"Yeah, whatever I did, I'm sorry." Ranma added.

Ryoga stood there, as if reason was trying to bore its way into his thick skull and thus delay his natural thought processes. For a moment, it seemed that hope would prevail and he'd understand, but then the hate kicked back in and Ryoga began to laugh as it turned up to eleven.

"You call that a curse?" He'd show him a curse alright he thought as he wound up more bandannas. "You call that a curse, whining about your plight, when you're so cute!"

Akane and Ranma both looked to one another. Alright, seriously, this moron could die in a fire for all they cared now. Then suddenly cloth shurikens were slicing through the air in every direction, most unpleasantly in Ranma's.

"Don't move!" Ranma called to Akane as the blades danced around them. Ryoga grinned as he hefted up his umbrella.

"Checkmate!" He threw more blades, this time for both him and Akane, before hurling the umbrella. "Even if you dodge my umbrella, those blades will cut your girlfriend to pieces, Saotome! Die like a man for her!"

No, die in a thousand fires all at once, a thousand times. Ranma grew furious. "I told you…" She kicked the umbrella straight up and caught it in one hand. "…Not to get Akane involved!"

She caught Akane in the other and jumped into the air, using the umbrella as a shield against the shurikens as she traveled in a ballistic arc over the trees. Ryoga was after them. "Running away, coward!"

"Who are you calling a coward?" Ranma called as she landed and took off again. "You're not worth fighting if you're going to put Akane in danger just to get at me!"

"What did you say?" As Ryoga fell behind, Ranma opened the umbrella and began to descend, landing on the roof of a bicycle shelter with Akane safely gripped in her arm.

* * *

Crouched down under the weight of the umbrella (wow, it was heavy), Ranma held Akane tightly as she sighed in relief. For a moment, it didn't even register that Akane had tightened her own hold on the cursed girl after they landed until she realized her bare breasts were pressing up against the other girl's. It felt nice…but at the same time it gave Ranma the creeps. On the other hand, Akane felt nice to hold like this, so close that she could even smell her–wow she smelled nice, too.

It was about then that both realized their position, and drew away from one another, blushing deeply. All sorts of words tried to find their way to the surface as the painfully awkward silence tried to settle in. Akane bit her lower lip and looked over to Ranma, and then looked away just as quickly before finding her voice.

"Um…thanks for saving me back there." She said.

"It was nothing really, you were trying to back me up and that idiot went berserk."

Akane glared at her. "You lost it too." She relented. "But I understand why. I wouldn't want to be called gay either."

"Yeah, and I'm sorry for getting you caught up in it." Ranma returned.

"I got involved on my own." As the two desperately tried to fight off the awkwardness of their embrace, Ryoga strolled over to the bike stand and removed the belt around his waist. There were so many things he didn't like, but being ignored fell just second of Ranma Saotome as what he hated most. With a few swipes of his belt, he cut the supports of the bike rack's shelter.

"Hey what's that…?" Akane asked before the floor gave out beneath them both, and both fell as Ryoga ascended above Ranma with his belt ready.

"I've got you!" Ryoga yelled out. He slashed, wrapping the belt around his umbrella and ripping it in half. "You bastard, I liked that umbrella!"

"Just add it to your list of grievances!" Landing with Akane in her arms, Ranma sprang away from another slash that cut through the wrecked shelter and the bikes underneath.

Ryoga grew more steamed and pursued. "Very well, I will!"

"Damn it!" Ranma set Akane down. "Get out of here; he's only going to come after me and…Akane?"

To her surprise, Akane just stood there. "No, I'm not leaving your side, Ranma-kun."

Ryoga was getting closer, stalking towards them and burning with seething rage. Ranma recoiled at her sudden affection towards her. "W-what did you s-say…?"

"So you're going to actually hide behind her? I've said it a lot today, but it never gets old. You're a coward! Prepare to die!" Ryoga called out with a smirk.

"I said I can't leave your side. You've already protected me enough. It's my turn to protect you now." She said in a soft tone.

Ryoga suddenly sprang up, leaping high to deliver a flying kick upon Ranma, when Akane suddenly imposed herself between him and his target with her arms spread out. "Huh? Hey!"

Ranma tried to protest Akane's sacrifice, when she saw exactly what the other girl had intended. As Ryoga hesitated with following through his hit–so Ryoga had a shred of decency in him after all–she seized the chance and jumped up on Akane's shoulders to vault herself into the air above Ryoga. "It's time for you to say goodnight!"

She performed a rolling axe kick to his back, sending him straight down towards the ground. On the ground, Akane timed his descent, and then as he fell past her for those final few centimeters she raised her foot into the air, giving the falling young man the briefest glimpse of light blue panties, before she smashed her own axe kick into his back, accelerating him into the ground for the final impact. As she turned away and ran her fingers through her hair to flick it back, Ranma came down and bashed Ryoga over the back of his head with what remained of the umbrella, creating a crater underneath the point of impact and knocking him out cold.

Ranma got up on her feet and tossed away the umbrella's remains. "Well, I'm done for today, how about you?" She asked Akane.

"All you can eat buffet?" Akane asked.

"Sounds like a plan. Help me find my shirt."

"Okay, here you go. We'll grab some hot water on the way."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"I really mean it, Akane…thanks."

"Oh…" Akane smiled. "You're welcome!"

After putting on her shirt, Ranma briskly walked off the school grounds with Akane in tow, leaving Ryoga face down in the ground much like Kuno weeks before. Seeking to tempt fate again, Hikaru Gosunkugi walked over and peered down into the pit, along with other boys. Looking around at his peers and then back down at Ryoga, he opened his mouth to speak.

"You got knocked…!"

"Shut the Hell up, Spike." Hiroshi and Daisuke cut him off, before looking off after where Ranma and Akane went with the other boys.

"Ranma…did…did he turn into a girl sometime during the fight?" Daisuke asked.

"I don't know, but whatever the case…him and Akane…" Hiroshi trailed off and looked to his fellow loser.

Daisuke looked back, and then nodded. "Yeah, those two are definitely fucking."

Ryoga groaned in pure agony–agony and bitter, seething rage.

* * *

As they walked past the gate, Akane looked over to Ranma and smiled to her. "Hey."

She looked back. "What?"

Akane slapped her upside the back of her head, and her smile grew. Staring back in surprise, Ranma laughed and closed her eyes. She had gotten her. "Alright, fair enough, starting tomorrow, you have to hit me twice."

"Deal." Akane replied, feeling victorious.

* * *

A/N: I almost missed the May 7th deadline because of a Powerpuff Girls-inspired idea. Go figure.


	5. Episode V: P Chan Strikes Back

Disclaimer: Not too long ago, in a city far, far away...

**RANMA ½**  
(It helps if you have the Star Wars theme playing)

**Episode V**

**P-CHAN STRIKES BACK**

**It is springtime in Nerima. Since the defeat of the vengeful Ryoga Hibiki,**  
**Ranma and Akane have enjoyed a blissful period of calm with chaos at**  
**manageable levels. What they do not know, is that their vanquished foe**  
**has regained his health and strength.**

**With renewed vigor and an intense ire for Akane as well as Ranma,**  
**he claws his way across Japan, seeking revenge and redemption**  
**for his suffering. Nothing, not even a cute girl, will delay his quest.**

**Akane, enjoying the peace and civility that has returned to her life**  
**with Ranma's entry into it, finds herself falling deeply in love**  
**with the young man…**

* * *

"Ahh…"

The sound roused Kasumi, a light sleeper, from her slumber and she sat up. It was a sound she had become accustomed to hearing through the thin walls of the house, and she sighed and laid down to try to ignore it. Contrary to what the internet cravenly believed, there was nothing arousing about little sisters–in fact, Kasumi wanted nothing more than to pound her fist on the wall whenever Nabiki got into it with that loudly buzzing monstrosity and her almost theatrical moans. She was going to let it slide, as she's done over the last few nights, because it wasn't Nabiki bringing herself to ecstasy.

She knew why Akane was masturbating, and it both amused her and warmed her heart to know that she was attracted to Ranma this much, but it also worried her. Akane was cake to figure out, but gauging Ranma's feelings towards her in return were harder to figure out than who was phone.

Kasumi hoped that Ranma didn't see his curse as an obstacle towards returning any affection to Akane, that would ruin everything or delay it all until he found a cure–but how long could that take? What if he never found a cure? What if Akane only really liked him because of the curse? These were questions the normally indirect Kasumi fretted over as the light romance that was Ranma and Akane played out. But the one that nagged at her the most was simply what could she do to influence it?

"Mm…mm…mm…"

She looked towards the wall as Akane's gentle sounds began to grow steady and rhythmic. She wanted nothing but for Akane to be happy, Ranma as well. Trying to force them together would only drive them further apart, it'd make her no better than Daddy and Uncle Genma who were selfishly pushing their own agenda–but on the other hand, she wasn't them and probably could guide the betrothed into a healthy, normal relationship even with the curse.

Both were good points but perhaps letting them work towards that goal by themselves would be fine on its own. Akane was a woman, after all, and if Ranma was the man he purportedly claimed to be it was merely a matter of time before nature took its course–and in that case, Kasumi knew she'd have to buy some condoms for the two of them.

"…Oh Ranma…"

Kasumi sighed; she could hear the honest longing in Akane's voice as she neared climax. She hoped that Akane's first time would put all these moments of self-gratification to shame.

"WAKE UP, DAMN IT!"

The yell had Kasumi bolting out of bed, her body immediately adopting a fighting stance that was dropped the second her adrenaline rush was quashed. That was definitely not Akane's voice, or anyone that she knew, which meant only one thing: An intruder was in the house!

"God damn it…" She heard Akane groan as she exited her room. Oh dear, she was not going to be in a good mood. Quickly she got up and opened the door, finding her youngest sister red-faced and irritated.

She had nothing but sympathy for her. "Akane, did you hear that too?"

"Yes, it woke me right up." She lied back, not knowing that Kasumi was well aware of her escapades. "What was that?"

Kasumi shrugged her shoulders and the two made for down the stairs. "I don't know. Do you think it might be a burglar?" When they reached the living room, they could hear the commotion outside. A flash of lightning revealed it, a figure in an umbrella and a heavy pack locked in combat with Ranma in female form. "It is a burglar, look! Ranma's got him."

Akane narrowed her eyes and turned and went back inside. "It's not a burglar, Kasumi."

"It's not, then who…?" Kasumi noticed Akane leave. "Where are you going?"

Akane called back. "I'm gonna find something heavy to throw at him."

* * *

As Akane resolved to end the dispute with assault with a deadly weapon, Ranma crossed a kick with Ryoga and cursed loudly as she lost her footing and slid back. Stupid wet grass, it had to be raining, too. "Ryoga, you lost, deal with it! Give up and go the Hell home!"

"I have not died, so my revenge will be achieved!" Ryoga snapped back.

She wanted to scream at him, so she did. "You have nothing to get revenge for, you moron! All you're doing is getting prissy over some stupid bread!"

Ryoga's expression darkened. "I'll say one thing before I send you to Hell: When you ran out on our duel, I followed you…all the way to China."

Hold on a minute. Ranma looked at Ryoga, and then the umbrella he held over his head, the same he had been holding all through their initial exchanges in this fight. It all clicked in her head. "You idiot, don't tell me you went to Jusenkyo and fell into one of the springs!"

Ryoga snarled and charged Ranma. "Silence, there are no more words between us!"

He stopped when he saw movement to his side joined by a very loud yell. "GET OFF MY PROPERTY!"

Armed with a packing hammer, Akane smashed Ryoga in the side of the head, disarming him of his umbrella and sending him hurtling over the fence like a bullet. Lowering the weapon, she grabbed his umbrella and despite its weight, held it over her head to keep from becoming further drenched in the heavy rain.

"Ranma, he knows where we live." She stated with great annoyance.

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, and I think I understand his hard-on for me better, now." She turned and joined her under the umbrella. "He followed us to China, and got cursed too."

Akane stopped and stared at her. "He did what? So when I hit him he's probably transformed into whatever it is he's been cursed to…" Both stopped and stared at one another before looking back over towards the fence. "At this rate, he'll never stop coming after you, Ranma, so what do we do?"

Ranma hummed. "Whatever he's cursed into, he doesn't want anybody to see it. It's probably something really embarrassing."

"What can be more embarrassing than a man who turns into a woman?" Akane joked back and earned a smack on her backside for it. "Hey! I thought you didn't like to hit girls!"

"It's fine when I'm a girl, too." Ranma retorted teasingly. Inside, Ranma immediately bid both Kasumi and Akane good night before heading straight for the furo to change back into a male. After turning out the hall light and wishing her own sweet dreams to Kasumi, Akane walked into her room and shut the door behind her.

"Honestly, for him to break into our house at two in the morning and start a fight…" She immediately pulled off her damp pajama top and tossed them to the floor. It'd do her no good to sleep in them now. As she slid off her bottoms, she stopped and rested her hand over where Ranma had smacked her and gently rubbed it.

"Mm…" She hummed softly to herself. For all of his strength, he was surprisingly gentle when fooling around. The smack had stung, but it was definitely not hard enough to leave a mark. The dull tingle that it left, however, really felt good. Akane decided that she wouldn't mind it if he smacked her ass again, maybe even make it a regular thing.

Chuckling softly, she swatted herself in the same spot and let out a quick squeak at the pleasant sting. God, she felt like a pervert for enjoying it, but hey, she was in her bedroom in all her privacy. Or so she thought when she heard a soft thump nearby. "Huh?"

She turned to face the source of the sound and stopped when she found a small black piglet lying on the floor, unconscious with blood dribbling from its snout. It wore around its neck a yellow bandanna. Stunned at first, she walked over to the animal and picked it up. She stared at it for a long time, and watched as it regained consciousness and stared at her. Almost immediately it tried to squirm free.

"Hey, hey, don't be frightened." Akane gently said as she held onto the adorable little thing. "Don't worry; I'm not going to hurt you, okay?"

Ceasing its attempts to flee with her soothing tone, the piglet turned and looked at her. Inside his piggy mind, he was quickly trying to figure out some method of escape from this place, to escape the clutches of an embarrassingly naked pervert girl who liked to spank herself, when an epiphany struck him as she grabbed a towel and began to dry him off. She didn't know who he was in this form, did she?

"There you go, all dry and toasty. You're pretty docile; you must be someone's pet, huh?" She asked as she tossed the towel into the hamper. "Well then what do you say tomorrow we go find your owners, okay?"

No, she didn't even have a clue! From despair he had plucked a miracle, and he would not squander this chance. Yes, this was going to be his counterattack, he would make Ranma pay for his injustice, and he had the perfect means to do so! As Akane lay down to go back to sleep, she didn't notice for a moment the evil gleam that appeared in the cute piglet's eyes.

* * *

Later in the rainy morning, Ranma walked in from cleaning following his spar with Pop and found the Tendo sisters were crowded together, fawning on some adorable thing as girls were known to do. He frowned and peered down at what had captured their attention so completely.

"What is that, a pig?" He asked. Akane looked up at him.

"Yes, a pig, it was in my room right after we got rid of Ryoga." She explained.

Ranma froze and stared down at the happily fawned over pig, who was receiving a scratch behind the ear from Nabiki. "You don't say…?"

The piglet immediately looked up at Ranma and glared. Yep, it was Ryoga alright; he sighed and shook his head. "Akane, don't you think it's a bad idea to keep strays? You have no idea where it came from."

Nabiki looked over to Ranma. "Jealous because he's holding Akane's attention and not you?"

Ranma scoffed and sat down to eat. "He's just a pervert who likes it when girls touch him."

No, he didn't sound jealous at all. Akane moved over to him. "Oh come on, don't be like that, he's cute isn't he?" She held him up. "Pet him, he's adorable!"

Ranma looked at the piglet and reached over. "He's adorable, huh?"

Chomp.

"OW! FUCKER!" Ranma slammed the piglet, its teeth clamped down on his hand, repeatedly into the floor. "Let go! Let go! Let go!"

"Ranma!" Akane cried out, aghast, while Kasumi gasped in shock and Nabiki snickered. Grabbing him by his jaw, Ranma managed to wedge it open before hurtling him into a wall. On hitting it, the piglet rebounded and delivered a head-butt that slammed Ranma onto his back before he tumbled onto his chest and sat on him with a triumphant squeal.

Silence followed, before Nabiki spoke. "That was the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life."

Kasumi thought differently. "Oh my, Ranma-kun, are you alright?"

Laid out but still conscious, Ranma looked down at the piglet and his left eye twitched. "I'm fine…"

The piglet's posturing was cut short when Akane swiftly struck the back of his head. "Bad P-chan no biting people, especially Ranma!" She admonished as she hit the piglet again, causing him to cower in pain before she picked him up. She gave him a very angry look, before hugging him close. "I didn't want to do that, but I will not tolerate misbehavior."

Ranma sat up, and smirked a bit. Maybe he didn't have to worry about the pig. "Sorry for hitting him like that, Akane." He was entirely insincere about it.

"It's alright. I guess he's not used to strange people." Akane replied.

"So, you called him P-Chan huh?" Ranma gave P-Chan a knowing look, before turning his attention back to Akane. "Say, maybe you and I should spend time with him, so he gets used to me?"

Akane immediately agreed. "That sounds like a good idea." She pouted at him as she spoke admonishingly. "But I don't want you being mean to him."

Ranma looked back at P-Chan again and gave him a smile that bordered on the depraved. "I wouldn't dream of that, Akane." He then remembered. "You're going to take him to the movies with us?"

That tugged everyone's attention to Ranma and Akane, especially their fathers, Soun exclaiming the "Really!" held up on Genma-Panda's sign. Kasumi looked between the two of them. "You're going on a…a…"

"…A date?" Nabiki finished, intrigued by this turn of events.

"It's not a date; we're just going to see an Eva marathon." Ranma explained. "It's the first two movies and then the Rebuild films leading up to a special trailer premiere of the new one."

"They're calling it 'Eva-thon 3.0: You Can (Not) Leave'." Akane said, before noticing Genma lying on the ground, foaming at the mouth and thrashing. "Uh…what did I say?"

Nabiki shook her head. "Idiot, you know you can't vocalize parentheses around Pandas, it gives them seizures!"

"Oh…oh I'm sorry." Akane said to Genma, before looking to P-Chan. "I guess I won't be able to go then, won't I?"

Ranma seemed to be quite upbeat. "Nonsense, Akane! We'll just smuggle him in with us, and it'll be fine. You can't let something like a piglet get between you and high definition 3-D, three hours of deleted scenes, and an epic surround sound score like that!"

Fire suddenly burned in Akane's eyes as she punched her palm. "No! I'll take P-Chan with me! I wouldn't miss anything Eva for the world!"

Ranma pumped a fist. "I am in agreement!"

Kasumi was puzzled. "Ranma is strangely excited to watch an anime."

"It has cute girls in skin-tight suits." Nabiki explained.

"Ah." Kasumi replied.

If it wouldn't sound like a series of short squeals, P-Chan would be laughing darkly. Yes, it would be at the Movie Theater he would gain his justice. It would be dark, and Ranma would dare not disrupt his Akane's viewing experience, would he? It was entirely too perfect. Yes, today Ranma Saotome will fall, and it will be a glorious fall at that!

* * *

Hours later, and P-Chan was regretting his decision miserably. Unlike his constantly wandering parents–his father was an unashamed otaku–anime and its ilk was just never able to hold his attention. So after watching all of Death and Rebirth, End of Evangelion, and a smattering of shorts and specials all about this particularly overexposed piece of trash, P-Chan was ready to enact his perilous plot. But there was a problem: The accursed theater was packed to the brim with people! How freaking popular was this Eva shit?

"Man, this is great." Ranma, much to P-Chan's chagrin, was enjoying himself. "I haven't seen this in years!"

Akane looked over to him. "You'll love the Rebuilds; they're the TV series but better. Everything is better."

Ranma crossed his arms. "Is Shinji less of a wuss, at least?"

"Oh yeah, he actually does some really cool stuff." Akane replied as the lights came on for the intermission. She looked towards the front of the theater as the organizers stepped up and got to announce the intermission events. "Oh, they're doing the costume contest!"

She turned to Ranma. "Want to take part in it with me?"

Ranma scratched his chin. "Hmm…I haven't shaved in a day, so you think I could pull off a good Kaji?"

Akane reached into her bag and pulled out a red jacket. "As long as you think I'll make a good Misato."

Ranma looked around. "Well you'd better hurry up, the bathrooms are gonna be packed with people changing, so you'd better get a head start…"

"Watch P-Chan for me, okay? Don't you dare lose him or I'll never forgive you, bye!" Akane was off like a shot out of the theater, having deposited P-Chan on Ranma's lap. The marathon and its little special activities immediately took a backseat to the tiny piglet, who now appeared quite amused by something.

Ranma rested his hand on P-Chan's head and scratched him behind his ear. "Well then, it looks like it's just you and me now, huh P-Chan?" The sinister emphasis he placed on the end of his question should've tipped the piglet off to something being wrong, but P-Chan's own plan was going into effect.

Chomp.

"OW!" Ranma raised his hand and swung it around viciously. "You little…!"

P-Chan let go, and immediately went flinging off into the crowd, landing in an aisle across the theater. His eyes shone red, everything went just as planned. Getting up, Ranma groaned and immediately dove into the throng of people in the audience. "P-Chan, get back here before I decide to make you into a BLT!"

He was going to try something stupid; Ranma could feel it in his marrow. He made his way through the crowd in the theater, watching carefully the piglet as it squeezed and weaved between legs and over feet. Hopping onto the back of the seats and ran across the back of the seats before performing a somersault to land in the aisle in front of the piglet. "Not so fast!"

Ranma lunged for P-Chan, who jumped onto his shoulder, before springing off. Damn the little bastard was fast. Whirling around and giving pursuit, he watched as P-Chan hopped from heads to shoulders and off the balcony of a Yoko cosplayer. Ranma breezed through the crowd like the Swine Flu, remaining a pace behind him before they both got out into the hallway.

P-Chan looked behind himself and snickered darkly as Ranma emerged, before bolting for a crowd in the hallway as his pursuer caught up to him. Diving, Ranma landed and grabbed P-Chan, who immediately began squealing up a storm. "I got you now, Piggy!"

He gripped P-Chan by his hind legs as he tried to squirm away. "Ha, ha, ha…you're not that quick at all…are…you…?" He looked up, just as the girl whose skirt he had slid under looked down. "…Oh, God damn it."

The girl's scream led, predictably to a chorus of horrified women shrieking "Pervert!" at unnecessarily high decibels and a melee of White Knights rushing to their aid to pummel said skirt peeper into a mushy pulp. In the classing dust-up that followed, P-Chan escaped and an unscathed Ranma (save for the several shoe-prints left in his face by the surprised girl) emerged momentarily after. Forget bacon, Ranma was going to turn the little bastard into sausage with his bare hands!

"Get…back…here!" He growled as he dove for P-Chan, who had leaped up to avoid him. Stumbling forward, he ran right smack into the bosom of an aptly endowed Doctor Akagi cosplayer. Looking up at the blond woman from her cleavage, Ranma closed his eyes and sighed in resignation.

"Wow, you're cute." The fox-eyed woman said to him as she opened them partially. Oh, well hey…not so bad.

"HEY, GET OFF MY FRIEND YOU PERVERT!" Her equally attractive friend cosplaying Asuka Langley Sohryu was not so kind, smashing a punch into his face with such force that it sent him bouncing off the floor, ceiling and walls down the hallway. "Hey you guys, he went that way!"

As the crowd incensed by Ranma moments earlier tore off after him, "Doctor Akagi" turned to "Asuka" with a look of great disappointment. "Wow, thanks for the cock-block, Naru."

"Asuka" gulped at her glowering friend and then sighed. "Oh…sorry Kitsune…"

Ranma stumbled from one gag and into another, from theater to theater Ranma chased P-Chan while he himself–rendered she herself after a run-in with a poor patron's large soda–was chased by a growing crowd of disgruntled Eva fans, up the walls, and even across the ceiling until she was run into a woman's bathroom by the crowd now bearing torches and progressive pitchforks. Behind the crowd, P-Chan performed a great impression of Muttley as the crowd surrounded the door.

"We've got him now!" A person dressed as the Third Angel Sachiel declared as the door opened…and a girl dressed as a fantastic Rei Ayanami stepped out. "Huh? Hey, did you see a pervert run in here?"

"Rei" stared at the group, and then spoke. "What do you mean; I have seen no one enter."

The crowd immediately paused, and stared in shock at the girl. Not only was her mop of blue hair, red eyes, and the absolutely curvy plug suit perfect, what really had the crowd wooed was her one-hundred percent perfect voice, she sounded exactly like Rei!

"Wow…where did you come from?" Another fan asked, as P-Chan worked his way to the front of the crowd in shock. Where the Hell did Ranma go?

"I have been in here this entire time, preparing." "Rei" replied in a quiet monotone. "If I had seen a pervert, I would have dealt with him."

A few girls in the crowd immediately stepped up and headed inside to look around, and sure enough produced neither hide nor hair of the pervert; the action over and the righteous fury deflated by the cool-as-ice Rei cosplayer, the crowd dispersed in an orderly fashion, the cosplay contest was set to begin, after all. The last out of the bathroom was a furious and confused P-Chan; the coward had once again slipped clear, but where…how?

Wait a minute…

* * *

Back inside the theater, Akane was dressed as a very convincing Misato and waiting for the other contestants to show up. Having gone to another bathroom, she'd narrowly avoided the commotion over a pervert, but nevertheless had heard about it and grew tense over the matter. Of all times to go in such a short skirt when there was a pervert around. She hoped Ranma would get back soon.

Speaking of perverts, she felt a wet, cool snout press against her ankle and looked down to find P-Chan snuffing about. "Oh, P-Chan there you are!" She picked him up. "Did you see where Ranma went? I've been looking all over for him."

P-Chan wished he had, so he could continue to exact his revenge. The other cosplayers in the contest immediately made their way onto the stage in front of the screen, with "Rei" taking her place right next to Akane. P-Chan looked at her and narrowed his piggy eyes. While he wasn't the brightest bulb in the pack, he had a basic grasp of deduction. Ranma had to have changed into that uncomfortably skintight outfit and donned the wig and contacts to escape the crowd. That was the only logical explanation.

"P-Chan, will you stop squirming so much?" Akane asked as she tried to get a handle on the piglet.

"Major Katsuragi, perhaps he has to go to the bathroom?" "Rei" suggested. Akane stopped and turned to the great cosplayer.

"Wow, you sound exactly like her!" She said in amazement.

"Rei" managed a small smile. "People say that. I'm sure your pet will be fine if he's allowed to relieve himself."

Akane looked down at P-Chan, and nodded. "Alright P-Chan, go right ahead and do your business, but not in the theater, okay?"

She set P-Chan down, and he bolted. Ha, ha! She may have been cute, but boy, was that girl all too trusting. Now he had his chance. All he had to do was get some hot water and it'd be the end of "Rei". He could see it now, a splash of hot-water, and then that suit explodes as Ranma revealed his true from to the audience. They'd immediately identify him as the pervert, and then even Akane would turn against him. Ranma would be in Hell, and all would be right in the world. So single-minded was P-Chan in his burning determination, that he forgot some key details as he got some hot water in a janitor's sink going.

"Chin-pon-pon-pon, hello everyone, this is your Master of Ceremonies, Leeron-kun." The effeminate man on the microphone said in a silky voice to the cheering crowd. "For our first major event of the day, we will be staging a cosplay contest for all of you Eva fans out there." More cheers ensued. "You're all very excited, yes? So am I, there are so many cute people on stage here, it's going to be very hard to choose a winner."

Immediately cheers went up for the very convincing Rei, Asuka, and Misato went up. Blushing under the praise, Akane scanned the lineup and the crowd for any sign of Ranma and sighed. Where was he? Leeron was speaking. "So then, shall we begin?"

"WAIT!" The crowd immediately stopped, as Ryoga slammed the door open, his eyes burning with righteous anger as he wore a dark grin. "Before you begin…you should know that one of your contestants is a fraud!"

The crowd stared at Ryoga with wide eyes, as he marched into the theater with a bucket in hand and straight for the stage where the other cosplayers stood. Akane, wide-eyed, watched as Ryoga jumped onto it and glared at the target of his ire, the unmoved Rei. "R-Ryoga, you're…"

Taking the bucket into hand, Ryoga announced loudly. "You thought you could fool them; you thought that you could escape me! Well you won't escape justice, Ranma! The whole world will now see you for what you really are: A cowardly, life-ruining, and cross-dressing PERVERT!"

He threw the bucket of water at "Rei", who immediately raised her arms to cover her face as the warm water splashed over her. Ryoga grinned in triumph, as the expected transformation and explosion of skin-tight fetish wear didn't happen…wait what? "Huh?"

"Ryoga…" A simmering Akane growled as she clenched her hand into a fist. "…The only pervert here…is you."

Ryoga rounded on Akane. "I am not a pervert!"

He stopped before his tirade even began when he found her and that same "Asuka" who belted Ranma glaring at him, magnificent auras of malice and rage rolling off them. He then looked down and went quite pale when he realized why everyone had been staring silently at him. "W-wait…I can explain! It's Ranma he did this, I…he's the Rei girl! The costume it…!"

He looked back and forth between "Rei" and the other two women, steadily advancing upon him. "You have to believe me…this is all Ranma's fault…!"

"Asuka" kicked him in the balls with such force it lifted him into the air, right into the very large progressive mallet that Akane inexplicably produced from nowhere, the connecting blow smashing Ryoga through the emergency escape doors of the theater. Both of them shouting as he was ejected, "AND YOU STAY THE HELL OUT, YOU PERVERTED BASTARD!"

If "Rei" had been sitting behind a desk, she'd have been adopting the Gendo Pose (All Rights Reserved). So instead, she settled for a smug smirk. That'll teach pig boy to underestimate the power of a glorified wetsuit.

* * *

Hours later, Akane left the screening room feeling glum and irritated. Ranma had disappeared, and so had P-Chan, with no sign of either throughout the remainder of the theater show. At least, though, she made a new friend in the Rei cosplayer who Ryoga had erroneously splashed in his single-minded quest for revenge.

"You know, you really should've won the contest." She said to the girl as they headed for the women's bathroom. "That Asuka was great, but you actually have Rei's voice. It would've been great."

"Thanks." "Rei" replied as she stopped by the bathroom. "I had another costume in mind, but I had to change it at the last minute."

Akane turned to face her. "Oh?"

"Rei" removed the blue wig. "I was going to be Kaji."

She stared at Ranma, and then smiled slyly as she looked him over. "The plug suit kept you dry didn't it?"

"You bet." Ranma replied as she walked in with Akane and hit the release on her suit after making sure no one else was present. "Preventing transformation is easy when I only need to defend one part."

Unzipping the plug suit, she let it fall off her nude body and then hopped up to one of the stalls to retrieve her clothes from a vent. Akane was puzzled by something, though. "Where did you get a Rei costume, from, though?"

"Oh, I borrowed it from another cosplayer. She was really nice about letting me use it, I ought to thank her for it next time I see her." She hopped back down and got dressed again. "To be honest, she would've been better in it than me, she was a natural blue."

Akane grinned tauntingly. "Oh? Did you get her phone number?"

"Why, would you be jealous?" Ranma looked over.

"No!" Akane relented from her reply, and blushed. "Well…maybe a little."

Ranma smiled at that, and a pleasant silence fell over them as they left the cinema and began the walk home. After a long and eventful day like this, it was nice to end it on a high note, to even tease at the notion that God was in heaven and all was right in the world. Unfortunately, this was the Nerima Ward, nothing is ever right. Passing by an empty lot, Ranma couldn't help but notice the sounds of a struggle about to ensue.

"Hey, Akane…hold it." She said as she walked over to the fence and peered between the slats. Some bandaged guys armed with clubs were surrounding a dark-haired girl. She hopped up onto the fence and watched. Akane was right after her.

"What's going on…?" Ranma motioned for her to be quiet.

"Pardon me," Kodachi Kuno said to her would-be assailants, "But you wouldn't happen to be from Furinkan High School, would you?"

She gave a sinister smile as she reached for the duffel bag she carried. "If so, then by all means…don't hold back."

Both girls watched as the darkly themed maiden proceeded to deliver a massive beating upon her opponents with just a ribbon. Looking to one another, they both frowned and sighed. If she was messing around with Furinkan students, then it was only a matter of time before they got involved.

"Ranma, she's kicking their asses." Akane informed as Kodachi began whipping them with the ribbon after soundly trouncing them.

She sighed. "Yeah, she's proven her point. I'll go stop it."

She hopped over…and promptly drew herself and Akane into yet another wacky conflict.

* * *

A/N: Now the reference makes sense!


	6. A Long Title Part 1

Disclaimer: Now with its own TVTropes Page! Join your friends in distilling this story to its barest references!

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
I know you like to think your shit don't stink, but… (Part 1)

_It runs in the family a little too deep._

**[6.]**

After the brief encounter with Kodachi and the revelation involving the Furinkan Rhythmic Gymnastics Club, Ranma was in Akane's room with her and the other girls of that besieged team simultaneously praising the few benefits of being a girl while wondering why the Hell she was even sitting here.

"…And thanks to that Kodachi, there's not a single person on the team who can hope to face her in the match!" One of the injured girls cried to Akane. "We don't know where else to turn, and you're the strongest girl in the entire school."

Had Ranma been petty, she'd have cleared her throat at that moment. Akane frowned somewhat. "So you want me to face Kodachi? I don't see how this has to do with me; I'm not much of a gymnast."

"That's the thing." Another girl pleaded. "It isn't your ordinary rhythmic gymnastics, Akane. It's rhythmic gymnastics _wrestling_!"

That briefly awoke the mental image of cute girls in leotards grappling like their male counterparts in both their minds. Akane raised an eyebrow, while Ranma grew a tad bit aroused. She decided to tempt fate. "What the heck is that?"

"It's armed combat between the champions of the two rival schools using the art of rhythmic gymnastics." Ranma and Akane stared blankly at the diagram hastily drawn by a graduate of the Rukia Kuchiki School of Art. "Kodachi is St. Bacchus' champion, but now Furinkan is without one, so we need you to preserve our school's honor!"

Akane frowned, after dealing with her Father, Kuno, and Ryoga, matters of honor were looking to become a real turn-off. However, she still had compassion for others, especially those victimized by someone like that Black Rose chick. So, in the face of their tearful pleas to intervene on the crisis, she took a deep breath and agreed. "Alright, I'll do it."

Ranma buried her face in the bed and sighed as she touched her toes. Akane was only being nice, but she knew a mistake when she saw one. Akane was about to walk into an area of expertise that she knew little of in order to fight a skilled professional. Later on in the evening, as he watched Akane go through her attempt at training, he found his concerns were more than confirmed. A broken hoop, clubs everywhere, and somehow Akane managed to tie herself up shibari style with her ribbon–though Ranma couldn't complain with that last one.

"Would you mind untying me?" Akane asked as she squirmed on the ground.

He got up and began loosening the knots. "I don't know how you even did this. Are you repressing something?"

She glared dangerously at him. "What are you implying, pervert?"

Ranma looked away innocently. "Nothing…" He got the ribbon off her and sat back down on the floor. "The match is only in two weeks and between now and then you have to be able to beat Kodachi. You're great with armed combat and all, but you…well…you lack grace."

Akane dropped onto her backside next to him and sighed. "You're right. How am I supposed to win if I can't even toss a few bowling pins to myself?"

"You could always use your rope trick." Ranma immediately got a glare from Akane. "It was a joke, a joke!"

"No, I think you may be on to something…come here and let me practice it!" The irritated girl pounced on him, and went to town with the ribbon.

Upstairs, Nabiki rolled her eyes as she listened to the crashing and thumping going on down in the dojo. She couldn't even soak in the furo in peace now. When were those two just going to fuck and get it over with? The door slid open in the steam-filled bath, and she looked over to see P-Chan walk in straight for the furo. Odd, what was the pig doing in here? Oblivious to Nabiki's presence, P-Chan dove into the bath…and Ryoga surfaced a moment later before emerging from the tub and exiting.

Frozen, Nabiki watched the good-looking, muscular young man leave, splashed water in her face, and then looked towards the opened door again in utter disbelief. Disbelief, though, quickly turned into something dark and frustrated as Nabiki put it all together in her head. Raising her hand, she plunged it as a fist into the side of the furo, cracking it. Of course the pig who'd been sleeping in Akane's room was actually a hot guy with a curse!

"That's fucking it."

* * *

Back downstairs, a fully dressed Ryoga had expected to calmly make his entrance on the scene, and set about in his new plot for ruining Ranma. The scene in question, however, completely threw him for a loop: Ranma was shirtless, hogtied, and hanging from the ceiling by a ribbon with one of the clubs stuffed in his mouth while Akane sloppily lashed him with another ribbon.

"Is this what I should do you bastard? Is this what I should do? I asked you a question, you dog! Speak when spoken to!" Ranma let out something muffled back at Akane, she grew only more incensed. "Then nod, you worm!"

Ryoga's left eye twitched and he turned his back to the scene. No, he couldn't even get a measure of satisfaction that Ranma was suffering, that…that was just too much. When he turned back around, both of them were staring at him. Frankly, Ryoga was in no mood to tempt fate by antagonizing either of them here.

"Uh…" He cleared his throat nervously. "…I couldn't help overhear your dilemma and…uh…I could teach you…ah…um…"

Akane reached over and tugged on a loose ribbon in the array of knots holding up Ranma, and he was dropped unceremoniously to the floor free of them. She then coughed and looked around anywhere but at either boy. "Ryoga, what are you doing here?"

Despite the emasculating position he'd been caught in, Ranma didn't even seem bothered as he pulled his shirt on. He glanced towards Akane. "Eh? What happened to 'P-Chan'?"

Ryoga grabbed him by the collar. "Say, Ranma, who is P-Chan?"

"Yeah, who _is_P-Chan?" Ryoga let Ranma go, and grimaced. Damn, he figured him out; Akane didn't seem to notice the exchange though. He turned to face her.

"Yes, after our unpleasant first encounter, I'm willing to train you in the Rhythmic Gymnastics to atone for my nearly harming you." Ryoga replied. "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me through my service to you."

Service huh? He could start by taking a long walk off a short pier, but he'd probably get lost on the way and fall off a cliff. Akane gave that command a second thought, but ultimately relented from it. "That's oddly generous of you…"

Too generous, Ranma noted, Ryoga was in the same room as him and not immediately going retard. Just like at the theater, this stank of another ruse to try to "Destroy his Happiness", and he was going to go through Akane to get to it. How Shakespearian–no, that's not the word for it…stupid, yeah that's the one. He looked to Akane, who seemed to be mulling over his offer with the same intensity. A gleam appeared in her eyes, as she came to an idea, and suddenly he felt a glimmer of pity for Ryoga.

She looked up at Ryoga, and smiled to him. "Thank you Ryoga, I'd be very grateful for your help."

Ryoga, who built up so much shit around himself with his self-loathing and constant, unending anger, suddenly fell apart in the face of Akane's beautiful smile and blushed brightly before he could shore up his composure. She was way too cute, simply focus on instruction and avoid looking at her for now, he warned himself. He picked up a ribbon and snapped it taut.

"Very well, the ribbon is a good, easy place to start. It may look weak, but with enough force even air can punch through solid rock." He lashed out at Ranma with the ribbon, striking him and sending him jumping back.

Akane gasped in amazement. "That's amazing, just like with those handkerchiefs." When Ryoga blushed again under her praise, Akane gave Ranma the universal "Play Along" gesture and her betrothed smirked. Oh God, this was going to be the worst thing he'd ever done to a human being.

With ease, Ranma played the patsy training dummy to Ryoga's impressive of Rhythmic Gymnastics during his instruction of Akane. Every graceful demonstration dealt a blow to him and drew awe from the girl, and Ryoga ate up the entire act like a fat guy at an all you can eat buffet. As the training session wore on later into the evening, it drew a particular creature of the night to the Tendo Dojo.

"Does she think that she can cheat by asking for outside help?" A cloaked Kodachi asked as she stepped back from the dojo. "Very well, I shall outdo your splendid deception and cripple you as you lie to slumber."

She threw away her cloak, revealing naught but her black leotard and a big mallet. "Prepare yourself, Akane Tendo, for I attack!"

"Mommy, what's that strange lady doing?" A passing child asked her mother.

"Don't look at her, hurry along." The mother said, shying her child away from Kodachi.

* * *

Inside, the walls of the dojo, as Akane washed away her training regimen, Ranma decided to confront Ryoga by the pond. "You have a lot of nerve coming off brownnosing like that."

Ryoga looked over to Ranma and smirked. "Oh? Are you jealous?"

"No not at all." Ranma replied. "It's not like that between Akane and me. I just think the way you act like a damn doormat to her is pathetic."

"Oh, like you're no better." Ryoga shot back.

"I am actually, because I'm not kissing up to her because I want something." Ranma smirked. "I'm not too worried about it though, you may succeed at kissing her ass, but anything you gain will end the second a glass of water lands on you, and she figures out what you really are."

Ryoga whirled on Ranma. "You mean what _you_made me!"

"Ha, that's rich. For all of your bemoaning your terrible curse, you don't seem to mind using it to get into Akane's bed." Ranma replied. Ryoga recoiled genuinely at that, his eyes widening in, you guessed it, anger.

"What did you say?" He yelled.

Ranma just chuckled and got up. "It's why you're about to just drop into the pond, right? So you can cute and cuddly your way into Akane's bed. Tell me, do you like sleeping at the foot of the bed, on her pillow, or right between her breasts, you pervert?"

Stopping himself, Ryoga clicked his teeth and turned back towards the pond. "I don't have to take this from you, I'm going to Akane and there's nothing you can do about that. Oh, and to answer your question, she likes to thrash around a lot."

That tone Ryoga took with him, Ranma didn't like. Before the plunge could be taken, Ranma had his arms around his torso and locked. "You know what?" He stopped himself. "Fuck it." He threw himself backward, driving Ryoga headfirst into the ground with a German Suplex.

Upstairs, oblivious to the fight breaking out downstairs; Akane yawned and flopped onto her bed in exhaustion. She knew Ryoga was just another man seeing her as either an object of lust or an expedient to a goal, why couldn't there be more men out there like Ranma, or Doctor Tofu, or Shinnosuke? Ah well, at least she was going to milk the rube for all he was worth one way or another, just like Nabiki would.

She sighed and rolled onto her back, wondering if she'd even be able to get in some self-gratification tonight and promptly found Kodachi staring down at her from the ceiling. Akane blinked. "Hello."

"Yo." Kodachi replied, before attempting to break Akane's legs with a mallet. She sprung herself clear of the attack, but her bed did not survive the mallet's impact, the box-spring letting out a sickening crack under the weapon's weight.

"What the Hell are you doing here?" She yelled at her.

Kodachi had failed to note Akane during her encounter with Ranma, and so she cradled the mallet in her hands as she formally introduced herself. "I am Kodachi the Black Rose. I shall be your opponent in the coming weeks." She swung at Akane with the mallet again. "So let's do our best and fight in all fairness!"

Her speed training with Ranma paid off, Akane realized, as she easily evaded the hammer strikes before they even came close. Still, just by looking at it and the damage it'd done to her bed she could tell the weapon was massive. "You call trying to break my legs with a hammer fair?"

She lashed out with a kick of her own, and Kodachi evaded by using the hammer's weight to move herself clear. As Akane whirled around to face her, she snorted. "It's one thing to win a match indiscriminately, but to win by disqualification?"

Kodachi sniffed. "Win by disqualification? My dear strumpet, it's not winning by disqualification if I just defeat my opponent before the bell rings. I've still won the fight, haven't I?"

That was…well…given the logic of Indiscriminate Grappling, she had a point. On the other hand, the crazy bitch broke into her house and tried to break her legs. "If that's the case, I'll just kick your ass."

"You'll kick my–?" The door opened violently, flattening Kodachi against the wall, as Nabiki entered, hooray for Deus Ex Machina. Wait, she looked upset about something, in that smiling "No, I'm not upset at all, what do you mean?" way.

"Where's P-Chan?" She asked her younger sister, oblivious to the damage done to her room.

"Um…" Akane shrugged her shoulders. "I haven't seen him, why?"

Nabiki pouted. "Oh, I just wanted him to sleep in my room tonight, that's all."

Akane nodded. "I haven't seen him, but if I do I'll bring him to you."

"Thanks Akane." Nabiki grinned. "You're the best."

Nabiki departed, and Akane scratched her head, puzzled by her sister's interest in the piglet. Maybe handing him over to her wouldn't be such a great idea. Oh well, she'd be scolded by Kasumi if she hogged him to herself. The door swung back closed, and a frazzled Kodachi tried to regain her composure.

Seeing this, Akane immediately went on the offensive, rushing forward with surprising speed and slamming her fist into her gut. Kodachi went into the wall, and a spider's web of cracks spread from underneath it.

"Ahh...!" Kodachi doubled over and coughed as Akane drew back, the mallet falling out of her hand and to the floor. Bringing her hands to her stomach in agony, Kodachi's eyes flew wide before she promptly retched all over the carpet. This girl, she hit like a freight train. What on Earth was she?

Akane looked at her destroyed bed, the crack in her wall, the rose petals everywhere and then back down at Kodachi. "You're going to pay for this, at the match and out of your pocket." Grabbing her by her long hair Akane performed a perfect hammer throw, sending her hurtling out the window. "AND STAY OUT, BITCH!"

Outside, Ryoga was in the midst of leaping in pursuit Ranma about the Tendo property, when the black-clad missile hurtled out of the window and tagged him right in the jaw, delivering an immediate concussion as he spun into the ground next to the fish pond. Ranma looked back in time to see Kodachi's limp body plummet towards the ground, and he reacted on instinct, skidding to a halt before jumping back up and catching the girl.

On landing, he looked down at the girl and groaned when he realized that it was Kodachi. What the Hell was she doing here at this time of night, was she after Akane? As he pondered this, Kodachi, suffering her own concussion, faded in and out of consciousness long enough to get a glimpse of Ranma's face. Who was this handsome boy who saved her from certain death? Before she could go into a spiel about how this was a fated encounter with the one true love of her life, unconsciousness caught up with her and she went limp in his arms.

Ranma looked up to Akane's window, where he was sure Kodachi came from. "Akane, are you alright?"

Akane came to the window and looked down. "Kodachi tried to jump me, but I kicked her ass and threw her out."

"Nice shot, you hit Ryoga in midair." At that, Akane grinned and pumped her fist in victory.

"Shannaro!" She exclaimed.

Ranma rolled his eyes and again jokingly referred to her as a nerd before looking down at Ryoga and Kodachi. "What should I do with these two? They're out cold."

Akane snorted. "Just drop them off over at Doctor Tofu's and let's call it a night. Unlike the crazies, we have school in the morning."

"Okay, night Akane." He said as he hoisted Kodachi over one shoulder and Ryoga over the other.

Smiling, Akane waved to Ranma. "Goodnight Ranma."

She closed the window and Ranma felt a shot of warmth from the affectionate tone in her voice. With a bit of skip in his step he headed off to Doctor Tofu's, but decided that the doctor didn't need to start his morning with both crazy and stupid, so he dumped both in the river and went home to bed.

* * *

"Nabiki, I'll need to buy a new bed." Akane said as the three walked to school together for once.

"You got it, twin as usual or maybe something bigger?" Nabiki asked.

"Why would I need a bigger bed?" Nice as having one would be.

Nabiki smirked. "So you and Ranma can sleep comfortably."

Both of them blushed, Akane decrying Nabiki for her insinuation. "Honestly, Nabiki…" She gave it some thought. "…Could I have a water bed?"

"That's too much money!" Nabiki smiled. "But since it's not my money sure, you can have a water bed."

Akane clapped her hands together. "Oh, thanks Nabiki. Also, did you order my leotard?"

"Yes, and to your precise specifications." They had reached the gate to the school, where girls were giving their praises, thanks, and good luck to Akane as she passed them. Ranma folded his hands behind the back of his head. While he was still worried about her training, her determination to represent both her high and martial arts Schools assured him that she wasn't going to fail.

It was just a matter of keeping Kodachi from actually getting the jump on her before the necessary training was done. Speaking of which, Akane had just whirled around and captured the bamboo sword Kodachi had swung on her. The young woman must've recovered not too long after being dumped into the creek, she was in what appeared to be her school's uniform, and had clean bandages around her head.

"I hope you're here to pay for the damages, or I'm going to fucking break you." Akane warned.

Kodachi sniffed. "I seem to have experienced head trauma last night, I can't recall any time where I agreed to pay reparations to a peasant." She withdrew her weapon, and rested it against her shoulder. "I am merely here to pay a visit to my savior."

"What do you mean your savior?" Akane followed Kodachi's gaze from her to Ranma. "You're joking."

Ranma raised an eyebrow and stepped back. "Yeah, about that…there's no need to thank me, it's just what I do." He tried to say, but Kodachi immediately shot to him, capturing him in an embrace. "Ah!"

"Thank you? Oh no, good sir…I intend to do more than that." She said in a sweet tone that still sounded disturbing. Ranma stood hands at his sides and clearly trying to escape from her grip. "Please, may I perhaps have your name?"

"Err…R-Ranma…Ranma Saotome." He answered, and Akane buried her face in her palm.

Kodachi swooned and nuzzled his chest. "What a virile, masculine name…Ranma…" She slowly looked up at him. "…It is fitting only for a man so strong, handsome as you."

"I'm flattered." And horrified, he added to himself. He looked to Akane, begging for an intervention. She was on it like Exia, grabbing Kodachi by her long side pony-tail and her shoulder. She then raised Kodachi up and over head before slamming her head-first into the ground, planting her up to her chest in the dirt.

Ranma whistled as Akane dusted her hands. "That was particularly violent of you."

"Humph." Akane turned to face Ranma as Kodachi struggled to pry herself out of the ground, her racy black underwear displayed to the whole schoolyard as she kicked in vain. "You kicked Kuno's ass for my sake, it's about time I return the favor."

Funny she should mention him, for there was Tatewaki Kuno himself, fully recovered from physical therapy and bearing a bouquet of flowers that he presented to Akane. Ron White was right, you could cure all the physical maladies in the world, but you can't fix stupid. She looked from the roses to his face.

"Keep walking, Kuno, I'm not in the mood." She said as she sidled closer to Ranma.

Naturally, Akane's warning didn't register in his head. "Sweet Akane, I have heard that you will be representing the school against St. Bacchus' Black Rose. These red roses shall speak my encouragement and love for you."

Akane looked to Ranma, who kicked Kuno in the face. His nose buried into the sole of the shoe, Kuno glared at Ranma. "Saotome, I didn't even attack you today."

"Sorry, it was an impulse." Ranma replied, as Kuno's hand went for his bokken. He stopped, however, when Kodachi suddenly attached herself to Ranma's back, with her arms around his waist and hands rubbing up and down his sides and front as she ground sensually against his back.

"Dearest Ranma…must you deign to associate yourself with that malformed, excessively feral excuse of a woman?" Kodachi crooned, unharmed despite having been used as a very large lawn dart.

"What did you call me?" Akane was ready to straight haul-off on a bitch, when Kuno patted both him and Kodachi together. "Huh?"

"I'm sorry, Saotome, I had no idea that you and Kodachi were an item." Wait, what did he just say? "I give you permission to date my little sister, just take good care of her."

Ranma and Akane froze in horrified poses. No, there was just no way, but as both rolled it over in their fear wracked minds, the similarities in not only looks but mannerisms and personalities suddenly loomed large. Ranma was the first to find words, and they emerged as a question.

"Why on Earth would anyone decide to have another child after you?" He asked Tatewaki.

"More importantly, why didn't anyone stop them?" Akane noted.

"If it's any consolation," Nabiki spoke up, "Their mother's dead at least."

Neither were usually one to speak ill of the dead, but both had their ideas as to such a fate, ranging from suicide to matricide to Government-Sponsored Execution. Both Kuno children cast a harsh glare to Nabiki, allowing Ranma enough time to regain his ground and shrug Kodachi off. "Whatever, listen up Kuno. I'm not dating your sister."

Kodachi rounded him, her face coming inches from his. "But is it not as ordained by the Gods? You rescued me from certain death, the very least I could do to repay you is be both a loving wife to you and a strong mother to our children."

"Whoa, hold it lady! There's not a chance in Hell that's happening!" Ranma yelled back at her, only to stop when Kodachi's eyes filled with tears that spilled melodramatically down her face. "Uh…"

"So you hate me?" She screamed at him.

"Yes. I do." He replied before putting his arm around Akane and pulling her over. "Furthermore, I've already got a fiancée and after last night, you're about as physically appealing to me as your brother."

Guess how much of that micro-tirade that either delusion-prone Kuno heard? Make a drinking game of it. Kodachi looked between Ranma and Akane and chuckled throatily. "Oh, so you're his fiancée, Akane Tendo?"

Akane felt a burning sensation going inside her head. By the end of the day, she was sure she'd forget algebra. No time to mourn brain cells, Kodachi had lashed out at her with a ribbon, and both she and Ranma jumped clear, landing safely out of its reach. Kodachi looked like a predator that'd just found an easy prey. "Well then, what do you say we wager Ranma on this match? The winner gets him."

"What…?" Ranma asked, before Akane gave an unexpected reply.

"You're on!" He whirled on her, in surprise. "And if you lose, I'd better not see you anywhere near him, you got that?"

Kodachi nodded. "Very well, if I lose, I will abandon my passion for him."

"Akane, what the…?" Ranma felt short on words as Akane stepped forward and spat into her palm before grabbing Kodachi's hand, shaking if vigorously.

"It's been agreed." She then leaned close to Kodachi. "And I will destroy you at our match, completely."

Kodachi smirked. "We shall see, Tendo." A swirl of black rose petals shot up between them, a single rose escaping the storm of black for Ranma to catch on reflex. "My dearest, you will not languish long in this whore's rancid grip, I shall free you of her. Farewell!"

With a loud, grating laugh, Kodachi vanished completely, the tornado of rose pedals quickly taking off from the school grounds. Watching her go, Kuno shook his head dismissively of his little sister. "She's always been a deviant, but even so…Ranma, take good care of her."

"I would, but it's just not my style to savagely beat women." Ranma replied. Wisps of yellow light rose from him as he crushed the rose in his hand. "Say, Kuno, you claim to love Akane, right?"

Kuno nodded. "Of course, I do so with all my heart!"

A split second later, Kuno was laid on the ground, covered in bruises and bleeding from the eyes, nose, ears and mouth. Ranma and Akane slowly walked away from him, the latter seething as the former spoke. "Then next time, defend her honor, even if it's your damn sister calling her names like that."

Nabiki looked down at Kuno, and then kicked him in the side before moving along with the rest of the crowd. By the time Gosunkugi showed up to perform his usual thing, everyone had moved on.

* * *

Whenever a bad day came along, school was skipped and here was where the rest of it was spent, at the buffet. It had gotten to the point that they knew all of the waitresses' names and the cooks prepared more of Ranma's favorites the moment they walked in. Nobody complained, the food was great, everyone had a good time, and Ranma had even gotten out of paying for meals by teaching the owner's kid some Saotome School behind Pop's back.

"We're visiting this place more often, it seems." Ranma said as he and Akane sat at their now usual table. "I don't want to wear out our welcome, you know?"

"It can't be helped today." Akane replied as she poked at her food. "I'm just so frustrated right now. I just want to fucking punch her in the face until my fists bleed."

"Save it for the match." Ranma reminded her, surprised by her vehement outburst.

She stabbed at her food. "I know! It's just that…" She rested her cheek on her palm. "She really pisses me off, more than ever now."

Akane looked away from Ranma and pouted. Just when she was beginning to really like Ranma, this crazy bitch comes flying out of left field and feeling him up like she'd known him all her life. The nerve of her! She hadn't even gotten to trying to kiss him, and that bitch was dry-humping him! On top of that, she has the nerve to call _her_a whore? Fuck that, and fuck that bitch with a steamroller!

She stabbed her fork through her plate, making Ranma jump. Her temper was flaring up, even if he was on her good side, he needed to tread very, very lightly. "We still have some time until your match, Akane. I think maybe we should up the ante on your training."

"Huh?" Akane looked back at him. "What do you mean?"

"In a straight fight, you can wreck Kodachi, but remember that this is rhythmic gymnastics. No bare blows of any kind can be made, and if you're angry like this, then she could goad you into doing just that." She was the sort to do it, Ranma was certain. "You need to burn off your anger until then, so we should double-up your training, even if it means skipping school."

Akane nodded. "Yeah, you're right…" She felt a bit of remorse. "I'm sorry for getting riled up like this."

"It's fine." Ranma took a sip from his drink. "I think the Kunos were put here to piss the world off."

Laughing, Akane handed her broken plate over to the waitress and got up to pick up another, Ranma joining her. "That's for sure, and Ryoga too."

"Oh yes." Ranma agreed. "I think it's sad that we can count the people who don't annoy us on one hand."

She looked over. "Huh…you think so?" Akane began counting off her fingers. "Nabiki, Kasumi, you, Sayuri, and Yuka…you're right–oh! Wait, no, Doctor Tofu carries over to six."

"Nabiki, Kasumi, you, Doctor Tofu…I only go up to four. I don't really know your friends all that well so I couldn't say." The two began piling the food onto their respective plates.

Akane chuckled again. "They really like you, you know. Both think you're 'pretty dreamy', and are really jealous of me for being so close to you." She gave him a brief glance with that.

He brought a hand to the back of his head and scratched it bashfully. "They really think that, huh? That's pretty flattering."

"I know a girl who likes you even more than that, though."

Ranma looked over at Akane when she said that. She had looked away, using her long hair to hide her face from him. She didn't expect his reply. "Is it you?"

She shyly looked back over and smiled. He returned the smile. That was easy, and he didn't sound reluctant or frightened by the prospect at all. It made her feel good, really good. "If it weren't for our stupid Dads bugging us to get married whenever we so much as smile to each other," she admitted, "I wouldn't mind being more than just friends."

"Even with my curse?" The two began their walk back to the table.

Akane nodded. "You're still the same Ranma, and it's not like you'll never find a cure for it. So, uh…yeah…"

Ranma gave that answer some thought, as they sat back down at the table, and then looked around as though some hilarity could ensue at any moment. "Do you want to?"

She looked up from the food she was gathering to take a bite out of. "Huh?"

"Well, do you want to be more serious about the engagement?" He asked.

"Okay." Akane replied, and then the four Horsemen of the apocalypse emerged to bring about the destruction of the world and Judgment Day. Ignoring the end of times as they began to occur outside their adjacent window, a blushing Ranma and Akane ate in peace, feeling much more at ease than ever before. They were a couple now, not that anyone needed to know…the last thing they needed was a shotgun wedding before Ranma could find a solution to his man amongst men problem.

* * *

P-Chan had come to discover that like that fucking Toucan following his nose was the best way to get back to the Tendo Dojo. So far, he'd found his way back three times out of three using this method, and once he mastered his cursed form's enhanced sense of smell, he'd put an end to Ranma in no time. For now, it had been a long journey back from regaining consciousness in Tokyo Bay, and nothing felt more appealing (or spiteful) than lying down and cuddling up with Akane.

And then the hot water came.

"What the hell?" Ryoga sputtered as he scrambled onto his feet, seeking out his surprise assailant. All he found was Akane's older sister, Nabiki standing partially hidden in the shadows, holding a kettle in one hand and a video camera in the other…oh…oh shit.

"Why, hello there, Ryoga Hibiki." Nabiki greeted in a saccharine tone. "What would you be doing in my house so late at night, in the nude, no less?"

How did she figure out his secret? Did Ranma tell her? Was the yellow bandana so obvious? He asked her as much and she laughed coyly back. "I figured it out on my own, and I won't tell anyone about it."

He sighed in relief, or at least began to when she finished. "…For a fee."

Oh God, he was doomed, he couldn't afford anything. "I…I don't have any money, I have to get by living off the land and stuff, so I really…"

Nabiki stepped forward out of the shadows and rested a finger on his lips. "If you don't have money, that's fine. There are…other ways to pay for my silence."

As she spoke, she trailed her finger down over his chin, and lightly over his throat. Frozen, Ryoga looked down and went wide eyed when he saw that all she wore was a very thin robe that hung open, and nothing else. His eyes shot right back up to hers, and he froze underneath her domineering gaze.

"Come, Ryoga, let's discuss more in my office." She said as she grasped a very traitorous portion of his anatomy, and led him off to her room.

About an hour later, Nabiki lit a cigarette and took a drag off it before blowing out a long wisp of smoke. She'd been waiting since the onset of puberty for that, and God Damn it was better than her wildest expectations…well…save for all of the crying. She looked down at Ryoga, curled up in the fetal position and bawling into his hands.

"Oh stop whining, I can still take you to the vet." She chided.

His sobs grew softer, but no less tormented.

Nabiki took another drag of her cigarette. "That's mama's little man-whore."

* * *

A/N: On and on and on we go!


	7. A Long Title Part 2

Disclaimer: Another shitty Ranma ½ fanfiction

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
I know you like to think your shit don't stink, but… (Part 2)

_I am altering the story. Pray that I do not alter it any further._

**[7.]**

A couple days ago, not long after Akane and Ranma had decided on secretly going steady, Hiroshi and Daisuke approached and asked him why he didn't like that Kodachi girl. Ranma explained to them that as he and Akane were on good terms and living under the same roof, it would be bad for him to respond to the other woman's affections. When asked if Ranma liked that two attractive women were fighting over him, Ranma replied that just one of them was attractive, and when Daisuke asked then why didn't he like Kodachi if he thought she was cute, Ranma stepped aside and allowed Akane to punch Daisuke in the dick.

Since the challenge had been made, Kodachi had struck no less than twenty-five times in attacks ranging from an impromptu ribbon attack walking to school, to a barrage of clubs while visiting Doctor Tofu, to even infiltrating their Buffet of Solitude and lacing Akane's favorite dish with enough sleeping poison to put her out for an entire spring. That last violation nearly made Ranma change his mind about his policy of not savagely beating women, but at Akane's behest he relented and they swept the entire affair under the table to avoid bad publicity for their favorite spot.

"This is Akane's fight, not mine. This is Akane's fight, not mine." Ranma reminded herself for the nth time today as she made her way home from the market. Akane had requested some taiyaki and didn't trust Kasumi, Nabiki, and especially her own Father to make the trip without being intercepted by Kodachi. Thus, it fell on Ranma to be the delivery girl. She didn't mind this; she could avoid Kodachi in this form.

"This is Akane's fight, not mine." Ranma chanted to herself on and on as she checked around a corner before heading on. She wasn't so keen about fighting a girl, either, especially after last time. Crazy bitch couldn't have been more wide open if she tried, and POW! A kick greeted her face. One kiss of death later, Ranma realized that no matter how much the bitch deserved it, being hunted like a dog for kicking the wrong chick wasn't fun. As she reached the dojo, she found Kodachi loitering about the entrance as Akane trained armed with a…wait, what the hell was that thing in the bag?

Walking over, she examined the object before looking over to Kodachi. "Say, what do you have there?"

Kodachi had been in the middle of a delusional soliloquy about how Ranma was a prisoner within the Tendo home, at the mercy of Akane and her vile, miserly older sister, abused and treated as nothing more than a beaten dog for their own amusement while secretly longing for emancipation at the hands of Kodachi, when Ranma caught her attention. "Oh, you mean these? It is my ultimate weapon against Akane Tendo, one that she is powerless to resist."

"Powerless, you say? It must be something else, then." Ranma said. She watched Kodachi nod, and then counted the seconds in her head before the other girl whirled around to face her in surprise. "Yo."

"Pigtailed wretch…!" The ribbon was out in a flash, with Ranma narrowly avoiding it with a stellar leap onto the edge of the roof before springing away to evade another strike that removed a few shingles. Landing, she hopped around a few more bullet-like shots before landing up on the wall. Training with Ryoga had paid off.

"You're not too quick, are you?" She taunted Kodachi from her perch before she produced a taiyaki and took a bite out of it.

"What are you doing here, trollop?" What the hell did that even mean, trollop?

"I live here." Ranma by this point had expected the response, but nevertheless groaned as she jumped to avoid the club Kodachi whipped at her.

"Are you as well dearest Ranma's oppressor!" She yelled as she struck again. Ranma evaded the blows while taking bites out of her taiyaki. God, this chick was terrible. "As sure as the dew glistens upon the unfolding rose at first light, I shall strike you down!"

"That's a lot of flowery talk, just like your stupid brother." She ribbed back.

Kodachi tensed. She didn't expect she'd have to defeat two rivals today. This pigtailed girl was becoming an irritant, and she dares speak ill of her love for dearest Ranma? She growled and reached into the cloth bag she carried. She'd have to do it now, before Akane was drawn into the battle.

Too late, the bamboo screen door slid open, and Akane stepped onto the porch. "Ranma, what the heck is going on out…oh, it's you. I don't like you."

"This is my chance!" Kodachi reached into her back and whipped something out of it at Akane before Ranma could intercept. "Consider it courtesy of my brother, Akane Tendo!"

Akane caught the clothes thrown at her, and looked at it. "What the hell?"

Kodachi grinned as Ranma turned to face her. "Akane, put it down, Kodachi probably drugged it!"

"Oh no, there is no need for any of that." Kodachi spoke. "Surely you're feeling the effects now, the unbearable, primal urges that such a pungent, masculine aroma elicits."

Akane looked at the white cloth, and then began to grow pale. "W-what are these things?"

"Why…they're my older brother's unmentionables, bathed in his pheromones and essence." Kodachi mentioned as a matter of fact.

Akane's horrified scream could be heard through the ages, and into infinity.

* * *

Three hours later, Ranma was male and lounging in the dojo. Akane had spent the last three hours in the shower, having come out only once about an hour back before storming back in, claiming that she still felt unclean. Frankly he did not blame her, the very idea of touching anything that'd been that close to Kuno's junk made him want to scrub off a layer of skin too. Shame Akane was using up all the hot water.

The door opened and then shut, and Ranma looked over to Akane. She was wearing the leotard that she would face Kodachi in, and her long hair was done up in a high ponytail, the overall package was quite a sight for Ranma's weary (of Kodachi) eyes. "Wow, Akane you look great."

Akane had entered with the intention of beginning another training session, but Ranma's compliment made her pause for a moment. Her whole body grew warm, and she smiled. "Thanks, Ranma…" She focused. "…Come on, I want to train."

Ranma hopped to his feet. "Alright, what do you want to work on? More ribbon work, clubs?"

"I think I've picked up enough on each to try using them together since the match is tomorrow." Akane picked up a trio clubs and began juggling them. She really had come along. "What do you say?"

Ranma nodded. "Sure, let's do that."

Catching one of the clubs Akane suddenly threw it at Ranma, who twisted and leaned to the side to avoid it. She was on him, swinging the clubs gracefully like she was in a Wushu flick double wielding swords. Matching her movements, Ranma stayed just outside the path of her blows; before he picked up the club she'd thrown and used it to parry her strikes. Akane immediately sprang into a back flip that turned into an inverted spin she used to throw her remaining clubs at him.

"Whoa!" Ranma deflected the two clubs, losing his in the process, before Akane's ribbon lashed out and wrapped around his arm. Immediately he solidified his stance and tried to yank her towards him, and nearly received a hoop to the face for his trouble. He leaned back to avoid it, and looked above to find Akane descending with the ribbon baton and another club aimed for his face like a pair of daggers.

Springing into a quick flip back, Ranma caught the ring as Akane drove the two weapons into the floor where he had been, and swung it around and around, first high (she ducked under it) and then low (she flipped over it), cutting the ribbon off his arm in the process. He held the hoop with his palms flat against the insides as Akane struck again with the club, the hoop deflecting the projectile before Ranma stretched it out and released it like a rubber band, sending it hurtling at her to force her to back off.

Akane let out a "Ha!" as she deflected the weapon with a chop and lashed back out with the shortened ribbon, the strikes coming off even faster than Kodachi's. Still, this is Ranma Saotome, and he made short work of evading her attacks before jumping onto a wall and springing over her to her other side.

She turned to face him. This was good. "I'm not even breaking a sweat."

"Then we need to do more." Ranma couldn't help but be a little distracted. Akane's form was really good despite her amateur status; he couldn't keep his eyes off her for that and other reasons. "Now let's go, double time, Akane!"

"Okay!" She lunged in to the attack. From outside the dojo, the soft movements and heavy impacts of the two and their weapons about the inside of the building gradually grew louder, a definite violence and intensity joining the increased velocity of their training. In the kitchen Kasumi was glad that her Father and Genma were out; they'd probably be ruining the bonding going on between the two of them. Speaking of people ruining it…

"Nabiki-chan whatever you're thinking, don't do it." She warned her younger sister without even looking from her tea. Behind her, Nabiki stopped, camera in her hand, and looked over to Kasumi.

"Come on…!"

"No." Kasumi warned.

Nabiki turned around and grumbled as she headed back upstairs. "So much for Akane Tendo, the Leotard Collection…"

"Faster!" Ranma called out as he narrowly avoided another ribbon strike. Akane let out a yell and whipped her arm so fast it became like a blur, the ribbon with it; the sound of the gymnastics prop sailing past his ear was like a rifle shot. "Good, now faster!"

"HA!" Akane yelled as she swung like a blur once more, the air pressure of the ribbon cracking the wall behind Ranma as he evaded it. Akane followed through, whipping at Ranma with such speed it looked like brief flashes of multiple arms amidst the constantly moving ribbon.

Ranma left afterimages as he evaded her fearsome attack, before he sprang away onto a hand spring that he used to put even more distance between him and Akane. This was fantastic, every time they got into it like this she seemed to get better and better. He kicked a ball into the air and swiftly spun around to kick it at her. "Defend!"

Akane swiftly cut the ball in half with her ribbon, the two halves smashing into and denting the wall behind her on either side. Ranma couldn't help but stare at that spectacular strike. "Amazing form, Akane, now keep it up. Maintain that intensity as long as you can."

"Okay!" She charged again, switching from the ribbon to clubs, Ranma picking up the hoop and again skillfully using it to block and parry her strikes.

"Good, good, but you can do better!" He encouraged her as he suddenly disarmed her of a club.

Akane quickly spun to kick, catching the club in her toes as she did. "Then how about this?"

Ranma raised his arm to block the club, which left Akane's grip and flipped away as he briefly stared down her slender leg and at the juncture of her legs. He snapped out of it fast enough to evade the other club as Akane followed up her attack. "Whoa, that was close!"

"Distracted by something?" Akane challenged. Crap, she'd seen him. Blushing, he scratched the back of his head and looked away from her.

"I was, kind of." He admitted.

Akane smirked. "Pervert."

Ranma pretended to take offense. "Well maybe you should stop being so cute."

"Maybe I should." Both laughed, and Akane playfully tossed her other club at him. Dropping her hands to her sides, she took a deep breath before raising them above her head and stretching, pushing herself up on her toes and slightly arching her back in the process. Ranma watched every movement.

"Mm…my whole body aches now, can we take a break?" She asked.

"Okay." Ranma sat down on the floor, and watched Akane as she picked up a bottle of water and then walked over to sit next to him. She took a sip and then handed the bottle to him.

"You can have a hit." She then pointed at him. "No backwash."

He laughed, took a drink from the bottle and handed it back to her, and she had another serving herself, before setting the bottle down. Looking down at the bottle, she remembered that goofy story from her friends about sharing bottles being an indirect kiss, and hummed. Wait a minute, indirect kisses, really? He was her boyfriend, wasn't he?

After a moment of mulling it over, Akane acted. "Hey."

She looked over to him. When he turned, she leaned forward and kissed him. It was pretty brief, but it still surprised him. "Chu…"

He stared at her. "Wow, what was that for?" Not that he was complaining.

"Do I really have to explain myself?" Akane asked before she kissed him again. There was no shock and amazement over it being their first kiss, or any concerns about clumsiness or form, Akane just kissed Ranma, and he kissed her back. Both of them enjoyed it.

Several long moments passed before they broke off briefly; her cheeks showing a faint pink, Akane crawled into Ranma's lap and resumed their lip lock, his hands cradling her and unhesitant in stroking her back and her legs. This time they kissed even longer. For several solid minutes, they made out like this, before finally Akane rested her head on his shoulder panting softly.

"I liked that." She whispered.

Ranma smiled and kissed her cheek and then her neck, inspired by what he read in H-manga he'd perused, yes, he's still a teenaged boy. His prudish side vehemently protested this, but it was smothered under a pillow by his libido. He wasn't the romantic type, but this was working out just fine so he was going to roll with it. When she moaned softly as he reached her shoulder, he was confident he was doing something right and stopped worrying about it completely.

"Mm…hey…" Their lips met again for a moment. "…Can I…?"

"What?" Akane felt Ranma's hand venture between her legs, and her face turned a darker shade of red. Looking towards the closed door of the dojo, she parted her legs just enough and nodded. "Okay…"

Over the cacophony of her preparing dinner, Kasumi paused when she thought she heard a girl crying out loudly. Dismissing it as Nabiki having sex with that dreadful boy she was blackmailing, she shrugged it off and resumed cooking.

* * *

Ryoga Hibiki had, as Akane aptly predicted he would, fallen in love with her kindness, good nature, and smile which were all ultimately a ruse set out by the girl to get whatever she wanted from him without question or payment, which coincidentally (and by her own admission) made her a bigger bitch than Nabiki. Now he was here at St. Bacchus' School for girls, tearfully praising the power of love that got him here in order to see the girl that he loved lose to a superior opponent so she could stop seeing Ranma and scoop her up on the rebound. At least such was the case until some careless bitch poured a bucket of water out a window onto his head.

"What do we have here?" Kodachi asked as she plucked P-Chan off the ground. "A piglet, I see? Such a filthy beast, I imagine that strumpet would find you adorable."

P-Chan blinked as he stared at Kodachi, who appeared to resemble a raccoon with the shiners she sported. After Akane's scream, which could still be heard if you listened to the ambient noise, she had proceeded to punch Kodachi in the face until her fists bled. The response had baffled Kodachi; she had been told by her brother that Akane was such a sexually repressed girl that a single hint of his essence would overload and reduce her to a cat in heat, paralyzed by her lust for the brain damaged swordsman.

With the failure of that plan, now Kodachi actually had to put out the effort to beat the stuffing out of Akane Tendo. Not that she minded this, of course, she actually enjoyed the battle up to this point…even the crushing defeats, although she was uncomfortable with how much she particularly liked being manhandled by Akane. She's been in an all girls' school too long.

In the designated locker room for the Furinkan High Gymnastics Team–cleared out of traps by some Tokyo Metropolitan Police SAT Officers on Nabiki's payroll–Akane's concerns could not be further from the fight, namely because she and Ranma were just finishing up desecrating an all girl's school locker with a good old fashioned quickie. Who would've thought being so perverted could be so exciting? If Akane had known about the perks of deviance, she would've…still waited until she was with Ranma to do this kind of thing.

"You know, I should be feeling a little bad about this." Ranma noted as Akane gingerly pulled herself off his lap to get into her leotard. He stared at her. "But I can't."

Akane looked up at him, still smiling, as she pulled the skimpy outfit on. She then began to perform her stretches; or rather resume them–Ranma had decided to make a move as she was doing them before. "I'm still upset with you, you know."

Sure didn't seem like it before. Ranma rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, it was the heat of the moment, and you weren't complaining then."

"Well, yesterday was fine, so you get a pass." Despite her attempt at sounding upset with him, Akane could do nothing about the afterglow she was in.

"Then why are you upset?" Women, man.

"I have a right to be, that's all!" Akane snapped back. "What if it wasn't a safe time for me?"

Ranma could've put his foot in it by asking her why a girl who was so prudish kept a schedule of her cycle anyway, but miraculously common sense spurned by a desire of further sex with Akane warned him against it and carefully dictated his next words for him to repeat. "I guess you're right…but from now on we're going to use condoms anyway so it's not a big deal. Maybe Mom's purchase was a good thing after all."

Speaking of condoms, Ranma held a decidedly used one up. "Hey, what do I do about this?"

For the briefest of moments, Akane considered adding it to her arsenal to use against Kodachi, but a far bitchier move crossed her mind. "Swing by the cafeteria and drop it in their food. Make her pay for screwing around with our restaurant."

Ranma picked up a glass of water and doused himself into herself with it. "You got it."

* * *

Moments later, in a gymnasium filled to the brim by a yammering peanut gallery, the two competitors and their seconds were in their corners, as the announcers started the ceremonies. "Chin-pon-pon-pon…beaming to you live from St. Bacchus' School for Girls, it is Rhythmic Gymnastics Wrestling Afternoon in Tokyo between Furinkan High and the hosting St. Bacchus. I am Leeron, your Master of Ceremonies."

"And I am too unimportant to be named!" His co-announcer introduced herself. "Today we've got a great match for you! Despite being decimated in the weeks leading up to this match, it seems Furinkan has pulled in a ringer, and what a ringer! Akane Tendo is notorious at her own school for her masterful crowd control skills, but can she translate those skills into the art of graceful armed combat?"

"Kodachi-chan has been going out of her way to cripple Akane-chan before the match. It would seem she has reason to fear Furinkan's champion." Leeron replied.

His nameless partner nodded. "She sure has, and Akane's prodigious strength has been a severe hurdle in that regard, hopefully her A-Game will still be brought, we need to make a good show for our sponsors!"

"And speaking of them, today's extremely sexist brutality is brought to you by TV Tokyo, Pizza Hut, McDonald's, Stark Industries, Kaiba Corporation, Xanatos Enterprises, and the Speedwagon Foundation: Surprisingly afraid since 1888!" Leeron noted.

"Well, it looks like our champions are ready to be introduced, let's go to our woman down in the ring." The nameless announcer said as at that very moment, the referee was introducing to the gathered masses from the two schools Kodachi Kuno, who regarded them with a wave of her hand and a black rose between her black painted lips.

"And in this corner, hailing from Furinkan High School is Akane Tendo!" As expected, Akane's cheers came in the form of mostly boys whooping and hollering for her, but sure enough there was Nabiki in the crowd with Sayuri and Yuka, holding up a "Win or we lose big down at the OTB!" banner. It was nice to know that family and friends were sticking in her corner…but knowing Nabiki she had a bit of money on Kodachi off to the side just in case.

"I'm a little nervous." Akane said as she performed a few final stretches. "Also, kick behind you now."

"Huh? Oh." Ranma kicked out.

"Pigtailed girl please accept my–!" Her foot connected with Kuno's face, and he fell back to the seats below.

"Thanks." She said to Akane. "Go out there and wreck her for me."

Akane nodded, and headed out to the middle of the ring, where Kodachi had been waiting with a smug air about her. "So, you and the pigtailed girl are close I presume?" She addressed her. "Trollop associated with Tendo, your name?"

Looking back Akane smiled as Ranma folded her arms across her chest, striking a pose that could not be more perfect unless she had a spotlight shining behind her. "You don't deserve to know my name."

Kodachi flinched at the bold reply, and seethed before turning her attention to the referee along with Akane.

"Alright, you know the rules: No bare handed blows, no falling out of the ring, either of those and you immediately lose." The ref explained as Kodachi grumbled at Ranma's petulance. "Other than that have fun."

"Wait a minute." Akane looked at the ref. "What about deadly force?"

"What about it?" The ref asked before Kodachi shackled P-Chan to Akane. "Oh, you now have a pig on your arm."

Akane looked down at P-Chan, and then up at Kodachi. "You know, you're a total cunt."

"Carelessness is your enemy." Kodachi said as she moved back to her corner, without shaking hands. Yep, total cunt.

As the bell rang, Akane checked out the weapons at her disposal. Hoop and ribbon and P-chan were her default weapons, and Ranma had a handful of clubs and other weapons standing by. Kodachi was shadier than Slim, so there was no telling what she could unload on her with. Oh well, she could not claim to be a student of the Tendo School of Indiscriminate Grappling if she was caught off-guard by this bitch!

"P-Chan, try to stay out of my way, okay?" She said as she wrapped the chain around her arm, with her pet clinging to her wrist and the shackle that bound her to him. Gripping the ribbon, she doesn't bother holding back, snapping the cloth at Kodachi like a rifle shot. "Here I come!"

With a rope, Kodachi deflected the attack and laughed. "Predictable!" She immediately charged and swung it at Akane, who immediately ducked.

"She swings it like Ryoga…whoa!" Akane suddenly lost her footing, as P-Chan immediately ran around her, remorseful tears running down from his eyes as he actively sabotaged her attempt to evade.

"It looks like that wild pig is giving Akane trouble!" The unnamed girl shouted. "While Kodachi presses her attack with a rope, swinging it around like it was a rod!"

"Mm…I wonder if she'll let me borrow that rope." Leeron quipped perversely before he pretended to pull a wince after Akane took a blow to the head.

"It is a rod!" His co-announcer exclaimed.

Leeron shivered and moaned. "Now I really want to borrow it."

Akane recovered quickly enough from the hit to duck under a jab from a club, and then another. Before Kodachi could reveal its hidden spikes however, Akane kicked the club straight up and out of her hand before suddenly jabbing her in the stomach with the hoop and sending her stumbling back into the ropes. Catching the club with her ribbon, Akane swung it down at Kodachi, who rolled up onto the ropes to avoid it and used them to spring herself into the air.

"You're stubborn, I'll give you that!" She produced two more clubs and threw them down at Akane. "But you won't get between me and my beloved!"

Akane tried to get clear, but again P-Chan ruined her evasion, she managed to knock one club aside, but another got her right between the eyes, causing her to stumble back into her corner. "Ugh…damn it P-Chan!"

Ranma was so close to jumping into the ring and stomping P-Chan to death, but she knew she couldn't until later. She gritted her teeth as far as that was concerned and turned her ire to Kodachi. "Who are you calling your beloved, psychopath?"

"This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out of it." Kodachi performed a flick of a ribbon, snapping it inches from Ranma's face. Like a flail, Akane slammed P-Chan into Kodachi's face, the metal band around his midsection colliding with her nose. "Ugh!"

"That was so lame." Akane growled as she snorted up the blood that was dribbling from her own.

"Kick her ass, Akane!" Ranma shouted as she threw her a pair of clubs.

"I will!" Letting out a war-cry Akane charged, a dazed P-Chan skipping behind her as she clashed weapon to weapon with Kodachi, the two opponents twirling their weapons to bring them to bear against any opening they could find, only to find them quickly defended.

"Impressive, it would seem that Akane-chan and Kodachi-chan are evenly matched as opponents, even with such a handicap as that piglet." Leeron quipped for the audience.

"Yes! Akane Tendo is definitely a force to be reckoned with!" As the other announcer spoke, Kodachi managed to disarm Akane of her clubs. "But it may not be enough!"

"Now fall!" Kodachi demanded, and thrust a club for her face, only for Akane to deflect it with P-Chan's chain. "Hmph…"

"Akane-chan with a skillful block, and what's this…?" Akane lashes the chain around Kodachi's leg. "A counterattack with the very trap Kodachi set on her!"

Kodachi's eyes widened before Akane suddenly yanked her off her feet onto her back. As she laid there stunned, she caught a glimpse of the malicious grin that split Akane's lips wide open.

"I certainly am~! I am certainly am~! Akane Tendo!" She sang out before Kodachi's world went into a blur. Akane swung her around once, twice, and then three times before swinging her up, over, and down into the ring with a very painful splat. Everyone in the gymnasium winced.

"Crash…and…!" Akane let out a low groan as she began to swing Kodachi around, this time like a hammer throw, picking up more and more speed until a tornado formed around her with Kodachi the helpless cow caught up by the winds with the blood rushing to her head. "…IMPACT!"

Ranma watched, almost as though it were in slow motion as Kodachi, blood clearly rushing to her head from the centrifugal force, smashed into the turnbuckle, broke it up, and sent pieces flying into the crowd, easily injuring several students in the process, but fuck those guys. With that hit, Akane swung her straight up and let go, before hopping onto the intact ropes behind her and springing up above her.

Kodachi recovered just in time to see Akane descend from the lights, aiming a club for her face. Almost on reflex from too many times of her brother thrusting things into her face, Kodachi clapped her hands together and captured the club. This genuinely surprised Akane, before Kodachi ripped the weapon from her hand and then threw it at her, forcing her to arch back to avoid the weapon and break off. Both quickly landed in their corners, breathing heavily.

"Typical, what she lacks in finesse she makes up for with sheer brutality. How uncultured, how masculine, how…" Kodachi stopped, and then smiled. "…Butch."

She then turned and spat out some blood, the concrete of the turnbuckle, and a tooth before facing her opponent. She called to her second. "Give me a hoop."

Being careful to catch the inside of the weapon, Kodachi immediately cast it off, towards Akane. Ranma immediately spotted the danger. "Akane, dodge it!"

Akane ducked down, the razor bladed hoop missing her high ponytail by inches before it bounced off her corner, cutting through it. Akane picked up P-Chan and immediately rolled out of the way of the ribbon strike that grabbed the hoop for Kodachi to begin lashing out at her with. "Oh ho-ho-ho-ho! Did you think it would be this easy, Tendo?"

With speed that she could've only picked up from Ranma, Akane zipped from side to side, ducked, jumped, and generally moved about. Despite her efforts the deadly weapon forced her into another corner, coming dangerously close enough to slice gashes into her leotard, including a very revealing cut right between her breasts that exposed the whole of her cleavage.

"It looks like Akane Tendo has been backed into a corner!" Nameless announcer cried.

Kodachi laughed again. "This is the end!"

Akane ducked down and held P-chan and the chain up, the hoop cutting through it, sending the piglet dropping to the floor with an indignant squeal. Looking up, P-Chan praised his freedom and at the same time cursed his inability to sabotage Akane's match. Somehow, he needed to give Kodachi the win, but before he could, another ribbon lashed around him, and Ranma forcibly ejected the piglet from the ring.

"See you around, Hampton." Ranma growled as P-Chan went splat against the wall above the stands.

Seeing Akane free, Kodachi just laughed and whirled the hoop over her head like a deadly lasso. "So you've freed yourself of your dead weight. Shame all of the other pounds remain." She taunted as she lashed out at her again.

Akane jumped into an axle and caught the hoop on the inside with her arm, before landing and yanking it off the ribbon and out of the ring.

Wrapping the chain around her hand, particularly at the knuckles, Akane adopted a more traditional fighting stance. "For that, I'm going to fuck you with a steamroller."

Kodachi blinked. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me, bitch!" Akane rushed Kodachi, picking up her ribbon and lashing out at Kodachi as her opponent leaped clear. Ribbon met ribbon like a tangle of homing lasers in some high budget anime, before Kodachi unleashed a trio of clubs as projectiles. Bashing them aside with her chain-wrapped fist, Akane actually lunged forward with it and swung at Kodachi, the chain impacting with her jaw and sending her spinning through the air. On impact, the entirety of St. Bacchus' student body went into uproar, crying foul.

The referee immediately raised her hand. "Use of a chain wrapped around your fist Hell's Angels style is valid!" She said as the judges raised affirming flags.

Kodachi landed on her feet. "So you wish to improvise, Akane Tendo, very well!" With swift dexterity, she suddenly scooped up the bell and whipped it around, dinging Akane upside her head figuratively and literally. The challenger from Furinkan actually lost her footing and stumbled about after the blow, before she backhanded the bell away from its come around strike.

"Akane-chan deflects Kodachi-chan's bell attack!" Leeron exclaims before Akane lassoed their announcer table and hurled it at Kodachi. "And Akane-chan responds with the entire table!"

"What an innovation!" Shouted the nameless one before Kodachi whipped her brother into the ring. "And Kodachi is not to be out done! She uses her own brother to deflect the attack!"

"Sweetest Akane, forgive me!" Kuno yelled as he swung his bokken down to strike Akane down, only to meet Ranma's foot face first as Akane dragged her into the fight. "Pigtailed G-girl…"

"Akane-chan used her own second as a weapon! The judges say that it's fair as long as Akane-chan did not strike the blow physically herself!"

Ranma landed next to Akane, and made for the ropes. "Nice save, next time warn me though?"

Akane just laughed and then spotted her next weapon just as it arrived. Kodachi had been preparing to grab some hapless student to use as a shield, when a confused Genma carrying a tea set landed on her face and sat on it, pinning her beneath him.

"And Akane-chan uses…" Leeron and his partner both stop. "…Is that a fucking Panda?"

Falling to one knee, Akane panted to catch her breath. Kodachi wasn't a joke, if she wasn't so fucking insane, she could respect that fact. From her corner, Ranma called over. "Akane, you've got her on the ropes. Don't start going soft now!"

"That's what she said" briefly crossed her mind and helped her laugh enough to get on her feet. It would seem that eating Panda ass had actually upset Kodachi, as she now bore a dark aura as she shoved Genma off her face and out of the ring. It served the bitch right.

"I…fight on…!" Kodachi screamed at Akane.

Akane slammed the chain onto the mat. "You don't get it, do you! You're done, bitch! You're not winning Ranma from me, you got that!"

"Foul whore…the power of love will prevail here! Ranma and I will be joined, and there is nothing you can do about this! Now…prepare to DIE!" She roared before she punched the mat and generated a massive whirlwind of black rose petals, far denser and much more numerous than any before.

"Is this? It is! It's Kodachi's most dangerous and strongest technique! The Wild Dance of the Black Rose! A technique that is rarely witnessed but almost invariably fatal to the opponent! Could Akane be leaving this match in a body bag?" The nameless announcer quickly asked.

"Our sponsors sure hope not! Even the Speedwagon Foundation is afraid!" Leeron quipped in.

Ranma was buffeted by the storm of rose petals; she could barely see Akane amongst them. "Akane!"

The only reply from the storm was Kodachi's laughter as her ribbon snatched out of the petals at random; grabbing any object it could wrap around and throw into the fight straight for Akane. Chairs, tables, even students from both schools were used as weapons. Inside the storm, Akane let out a cry of pain as Hiroshi, or was it Daisuke, smacked into her before being carried off into the storm. Pushed back, she glared at Kodachi, who laughed again.

"You may as well surrender if you wish to live!" She yelled as she hurled a refrigerator at Akane, who punched and crumpled it before the storm carried it off.

"I will not surrender!" Akane yelled back in defiance before she smashed through a stool. Grabbing Kuno's sword hurtling through the storm; Akane slashed away at Kodachi as she melted into the petals. As she turned to try to reacquire her, a toaster clocked the back of her head, knocking her forward. Kodachi's laughter carried through the storm as she briefly appeared.

"Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, you cling tightly onto Ranma, your denial is pathetic!" The A-Team's van suddenly flew towards Akane, who narrowly ducked under it.

Akane turned around and hurled the blade at Kodachi, who disappeared into the petals once again before a ship in a bottle broke itself against Akane's side, tearing away more of her leotard with its shards of glass. Grunting in pain, she called out into the swirling leaves. "Ow! What do you mean my denial?"

Kodachi swung a safe towards Akane as she mocked her, which was immediately deflected with a kick. "You need not pretend to like boys! Being a lesbian is perfectly acceptable in today's society!"

Ranma had heard that, and immediately recalled her and Akane's exchange after the battle with Ryoga. She then took a hesitant step from the ring, and hoped that Akane remembered to use weapons. He didn't have to worry.

As she materialized above Akane, Kodachi spied her opponent standing stone still in the center of the storm. Capturing a giant mallet, she hefted it and dove upon the girl. Soon it would be all over, the match and the last obstacle between her and her beloved. She swung down upon the girl in a torrent of rose petals.

"Fall majestically, you wretch and fade from Ranma's memory!" She yelled just before she smashed the hammer down into the empty floor. "What? Where'd she go?"

Movement to her side caught her attention, but when she threw a club at it, she saw only rose petals. Then suddenly again off to her other side, but when she lashed the ribbon at it, she hit nothing again.

"What's with that speed?" Catching a club, Kodachi waited and then suddenly threw it behind her. "There!"

The club passed through Akane's afterimage as she ran towards Kodachi, two clubs wielded in hand. Quickly Kodachi lashed out with her ribbon, only for Akane to duck low and run underneath the coils, leaving a trail of afterimages behind her. "I can't hit her!"

Suddenly Akane was behind her, a line of red light trailing behind her hidden eyes as Kodachi looked back. "She got behind me!"

She slashed with the ribbon, only for Akane to deflect it with a club and punching her with the chain, sending her crashing into another turnbuckle and cracking it, dispelling the swirling rose petals. As they cleared, the stunned audience and an impressed Ranma beheld Akane standing atop a turnbuckle, her long hair unbound and waving above and behind her from her rapid movement save for the bangs hiding her eyes.

"What the…?" Sayuri and Yuka gasped as Nabiki grinned big.

"Look at what you've done to my little sister, Ranma…" She said. She was amazed by the massive boost of speed she was displaying, though she'd never admit it.

Hiroshi and Daisuke, the latter armed with a camera, gawked blankly. "Was that Akane…?"

Tatewaki rose from his seat, struck in awe of Akane's fury. "Truly…she is a Goddess of Battle…no! She is a Goddess of War!"

"Akane Tendo has…she's broken Kodachi's Wild Dance of the Black Rose…!" The amazed and still nameless announcer spoke. "Where has this incredible speed come from!"

"Honey, all I know is that I'm gonna get paid today." Leeron, who had put money on Akane, admitted.

Ranma smiled as she looked upon Akane. "To think I was worried about you, Akane. It looks like my training her paid off."

Genma raised a sign, asking "What training?" and Ranma smirked. "I knew this would happen. Kodachi would try to goad Akane into getting angry and careless. Unfortunately, Akane and I trained squarely on what to do when she went that route. Akane's entirely focused on beating her as swiftly as possible now, and she won't get careless."

He looked up to her. "Go on and win this fight now, Akane."

Akane, strangely calm, allowed her hair to fall dramatically down to her shoulders and raised her head up to reveal her eyes. "This fight is already over."

Kodachi immediately lashed out with her ribbon, furious that she could not touch her. "Two weeks of training will not close our gap!"

Akane suddenly disappeared from the path of the ribbon and attacked Kodachi from four different directions in short order, hitting her with a shovel, a scale model of the battleship IJS Yamato, a trash can, and finally a Rickenbacker bass, bouncing her off the floor and sending her tumbling through the air.

"I can't possibly…!" Kodachi gurgled as Akane suddenly appeared above her with a kitchen sink in hand.

Screaming, Akane smashed her with the sink, with such force that the entire thing shattered. Like a rocket, Kodachi smashed into the ring below with such force that it drilled her into the mat, breaking the support bars under it.

Blood dribbling from her mouth, a furious Kodachi stared at the ceiling. "What the Hell? What the Hell was that?"

"Unbelievable! Absolutely unbelievable! Akane has somehow managed to overcome Kodachi's attack and counterattacked in a spectacular fashion" The nameless announcer spoke amidst the likewise stunned yammering of the audience as Kodachi began to get up. "But where is Akane?"

"ROAD ROLLER DA!"

Akane dropped a fucking steamroller on Kodachi, crushing her and flattening the ring underneath it. She then stood up triumphantly atop the machine.

"_**WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"**_

The gymnasium stood silent, and everyone looked to the judges, all of whom were unanimous in their decision.

"Use of a steamroller is valid! Kodachi is unable to continue battle! The winner is Akane Tendo!"

"Alright Akane, you kicked her ass!" Ranma called out as the rest of Furinkan joined in cheering. Panting as the exertion caught up with her, a tired, bruised, and bleeding Akane smiled and threw up her hands weakly in celebration.

"Hell yeah, I kicked her ass!" She said before she toppled off the steamroller.

* * *

Outside in the parking lot, Akane stepped out of the back of an ambulance wearing her school uniform and bandages that covered her more serious wounds. Ranma, now male, shook his head and chuckled as he watched paramedics carry by yet another injured girl in a leotard. "Man, they're going to outlaw Rhythmic Gymnastics Wrestling after this."

Akane huffed. "How was I supposed to know that Kodachi's entire team was hiding under the mat to keep her from falling out of bounds?"

Once again it was for the grace of comedy that no one was in a body bag. Akane was completely unrepentant in her actions. "It serves them right though, after what Kodachi did to our gymnastics club, hospitalizing hers is justice."

"What about the students injured by the weapons and pieces of wreckage?" Ranma noted as an EMT led a student profusely bleeding from a head wound by.

"That's acceptable collateral damage." Akane quickly replied.

"Uh-huh." Speaking of head injuries, here was Ryoga. "Hey there Porky, enjoy the match?"

Ryoga opened his mouth to snap at Ranma, but remembered that he'd made it this far, he may as well address Akane before he ended up in Osaka again, and once anywhere near Osaka was enough. "Akane, I'm sorry I couldn't make it there to see you. But I'm happy that you won."

Sure he was, and Ranma didn't turn into a girl when splashed with cold water. Akane smiled. "It's alright Ryoga, I'm sure you were there in spirit."

Ranma was going to have words with him once they were alone, and by "have words" he meant punch him until some indeterminate point in the future. Still, he couldn't bring himself to really antagonize him, as far as this battle Ryoga was trying to wage was concerned, Ranma had already won the war and taken the spoils, so to speak.

"But still, thank you Ryoga. I really couldn't have done it without you." Akane praised him, and naturally the fool ate it up like delicious cake. Blushing, he scratched the back of his head and laughed bashfully.

"Aw, gee, it was nothing Akane…" He guffawed, awkwardly misinterpreting her kindness for something else entirely.

Akane turned to Ranma. "Why couldn't you be cute like him?"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "If I was…" He didn't finish that sentence, but Akane caught the implication nevertheless. She laughed softly and then turned her attention to another stretcher being wheeled by, this one bearing Kodachi on it.

Kodachi looked over just as Akane had noticed her and immediately scowled. "Tendo."

"Kuno." Akane returned with an equal curtness. "A deal is a deal. You lost, give up on Ranma."

Sighing, Kodachi looked away from her better, the beginnings of tears forming in her eyes. "Crushed, broken, and defeated figuratively and literally, I will respect our bargain. As of this moment, I abandon my passion for Ranma completely!"

Ranma and Akane both cast sighs of relief, the former wiping the sweat off his brow while the latter clapped her hands and praised God. Kodachi inexplicably sat up, stopping their celebratory motions and continued talking.

"Starting this moment, I shall burn an entirely new passion for Ranma, one of greater intensity, hotter than a million burning suns!" She declared to the heavens, the very same Akane began to curse as Ranma slumped against the side of the ambulance. As she was wheeled away, Kodachi turned back to Ranma. "Wait for me my beloved! We will be joined soon enough, to this I swear on my life!"

"Jesus Christ, this was only the beginning, wasn't it?" Akane asked as Ryoga tried to butt into the conversation, probably to make some half-hearted consolation or worse.

All of that work, for nothing. Well, not all for nothing, as Ranma looked over to Akane. He barely noticed Ryoga out the corner of his eye. "Akane, let's just go home, okay?"

Turning back to him, Akane cheered up and nodded, Ryoga growing frustrated and envious of Ranma's hold over her. "Sure, let's go."

As the two left, Ryoga felt utterly impotent in regards to his ability to catch Akane's attention. Sighing, he bowed his head. "Oh Akane…there was so much I wanted to say…"

"Ryoga-baby, you can whisper all of your sweet nothings to me if you like." Nabiki said, and Ryoga ran faster than he had ever ran before, hoping for once to get so lost that no one would find him, especially her. As he fled, Nabiki dusted her hands off and followed Ranma and her little sister home.

* * *

In southern Japan, a friendly woman behind the counter at immigration services was cheerfully processing the latest green card applicant. She really liked her job; it allowed her to meet so many exotic people. Like last week when she handled a Queen from a far away country that had a fetish for black haired girls and three months ago when she processed a princess from a South Pacific country with a white alligator. While neither royalty nor bringing along exotic animals, this new person was still very interesting.

"So where are you from?" She asked.

"China." Her client responded clearly despite her Chinese accent.

"How long do you plan on staying here?" She then asked.

"Indeterminate," was her client's quick answer.

"Okay and what will you be doing here in Japan?" The woman looked up as a picture of a red-haired girl was shoved into her face.

"I'll be killing this girl." Shampoo of the Joketsuzoku answered resolutely.

Staring at the picture, and then at the Chinese Amazon, the immigration officer nodded and cheerfully handed her some papers. "Oh, well you'll need to fill out these forms in triplicate then bring them right to me. Once we get that done, we'll get your green card right away. I hope you enjoy your stay here in Japan!"

Shampoo nodded and then exited the cubicle. A few moments later, she returned. "You have pen?"

"Oh, here you go." The exceedingly bubbly immigration officer replied as she handed a pen to her. Once Shampoo left, she reclined in her chair and began playing with what appeared to be a pink transparent Rubik's Cube. "This job is so much fun; I get to meet so many fascinating people!"

* * *

A/N: Akane Tendo, Gundam Exia, commencing intervention!


	8. 518 Part 1

Disclaimer: Herp A Derp

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
518 (Part 1)

_Ice, ice, baby_

**[8.]**

And now for a comparison between Akane's friends Sayuri and Yuka, and Ranma's hangers on Hiroshi and Daisuke: On an unpleasantly cold day in Tokyo, Akane much to Ranma's bafflement insisted they take refuge in the even colder local ice rink. The Fracas at St. Bacchus was days behind them and with another period of peace and quiet comfortably in place the two took advantage of it by going on dates. As Ranma entertained another impromptu interrogation from the two losers, Akane was involved in more intimate discussion with her two longtime friends while P-Chan watched from the edge of the rink.

"So you two are really official now?" Sayuri asked Akane as the trio skated along, arms linked. Akane could trust the two of them with her secrets, almost as much as she could with Kasumi.

"Uh-huh, we started going steady after Kodachi first jumped me at school. It's not something I want to declare to the world, okay? The last thing I want is my Dad becoming even pushier about joining his precious little school with Genma's."

"Well if you already like him, why not just take the plunge?" Yuka quipped.

Sayuri shook her head. "Yuka, it's probably something she wants to decide for herself." She correctly guessed, going by Akane's nod. "See?"

"Besides, I want to go to college and get a real job, maybe join the Self-Defense Forces." Akane said. "I don't want to drop out and become a housewife like my Mom did."

Yuka giggled. "Would Ranma be okay with you becoming a military woman?"

"Be okay? He's told me he wants to join himself so he could learn some genuine military hand-to-hand fighting styles." Akane replied with a small laugh of her own.

Sayuri and Yuka joined in before they both drew closer to her. The former spoke first. "Speaking of hand-to-hand, Akane-chan…"

"Hmm…?" Akane looked from Sayuri to Yuka and back again. "Yes?"

"How far have you and he 'gone'?" The latter asked, and then broke into giggles when Akane's face turned a cute red and not because of the rink's chilly atmosphere. "Oh my, Akane you're blushing! You didn't…!"

Akane just giggled and nodded. "We've already made love…"

"Oh my God, Akane you're so bad!" Both her friends broke into scandalous giggles, and Akane soaked up the envy and admiration that rolled off them in waves.

In the food court adjacent to the rink, Ranma picked up and examined one of the pictures snapped of her girl side during Akane's match, as well as those of her fighting Ryoga. Judging by the poor quality of the pictures, it was clear that Nabiki wasn't the photographer. He looked to his parasites with indifference.

"I don't know who she is." He lied through his teeth. If they couldn't figure it out, like Hell was he going to lay it all bare for them.

"Quit playing dumb." Daisuke demanded. "There's got to be some connection. She fights like you, acts like you, and is always around Akane when you aren't!"

"So come on, introduce us!" Hiroshi said, all but saying "I'm lonely, not that good looking, and girls don't talk to me because I'm a creep so I'm desperate" with big fat tears rolling down his face.

Sayuri's cheeks were bright red, as were Yuka's as they both sought answers for the question the former asked innocently. "So…what was it like? Was it good?"

"Was he gentle?" Yuka asked as she glanced towards Ranma's direction.

Akane giggled and made sure no one was close enough to hear. "When we first did it, it just kind of happened. But…" She sighed happily and then bragged unashamedly. "He is _amazing_."

Yuka pressed closer to Akane. "So…ah…how um, you know, big is he?"

Looking left to Yuka, and then right to Sayuri, Akane held up her hands a certain distance apart, and both her friends let out amazed "Ahs" before all giggled again.

"Look." Ranma said. "This is ridiculous. Even if I did know who that girl was, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't give either of you the time of day."

"You don't need to be a dick, just because you've got Akane!" Hiroshi yelled. Why did he suffer these two again?

Daisuke backed him up. "At least let us have this girl, or Kodachi! Don't hog all of the pussy, you player-pimp!"

"You're both idiots." Ranma took a sip from his bowl of ramen. Huh, he had a fishcake left.

Yuka pulled away from Akane as they found a relatively clear spot on the crowded rink. "So it didn't hurt or anything? Because I mean…wow…"

Akane shook her head and began to pick up speed. "Not even a little bit, it felt more like a pinch going in the first time when he stretched me out, but I've felt worse, you know? We were both really into it at the time and he took care of me before he even put it inside, so I think that helped." She broke away from her friends and jumped into a graceful triple spin before landing and sweeping back around to them. With her return came a change of subject.

"You should really consider the Figure Skating Team, Akane." Yuka said as a girl calling after a "Charlotte" breezed by her. "You could easily represent the team."

Sayuri snorted as she laughed. "You could drop a Zamboni on your opponents." She then mimicked Akane's pose from atop the steam roller. "Wryyyyy…!"

"No, no, it's like this." Akane performed the pose correctly. "WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! You need twenty Y's to make the proper sound."

"Ahh…" Sayuri looked over. "Uh, Akane, wasn't P-Chan sitting right over there?"

* * *

Daisuke and Hiroshi slammed their hands on the table, trying to sound intimidating to a guy who could knock Chuck Norris flat out. Daisuke yelled at him. "Come on, help a brother out!"

"Yeah!" Hiroshi added.

Great, people were beginning to stare. "This is ridiculous. First off, if you want to take a shot at Kodachi, you're more than welcome to, I don't do crazy. Second of all, it ain't like that between Akane and me. I have no intention of getting married to her just because my Pop said I had to!"

"Ranma!" Akane screamed as she reached him. Immediately he forgot about the losers and turned to her.

"What happened?" He asked, ready to kick the ass of anybody who wronged her.

"It's P-Chan! Someone stole him!" She shot back, furious.

Ranma immediately exited fight mode. Oh yeah, she still loved the little fucker, despite how stern she was with him. "Huh? You sure he didn't just wander off?"

"Positive! Some people said they saw some girl take P-Chan and run off with him! You have to help me find him!" Akane pleaded as Sayuri and Yuka carefully made their way over on their skates.

Ranma glanced over and saw the girl in question making her way over to the food kiosk with P-Chan snugly in her arm and looking like he'd taken a few good blows to the head. Noticing his distraction, Akane followed his gaze and immediately spotted her beleaguered pet. "P-Chan!"

Akane rushed over to the cloaked young woman, whom even Ranma found was rather cute. However, he right away knew that in this town, it was all a matter of waiting for the other shoe to drop when it came to the good looking chicks. Sure enough that other shoe fell; or rather it was kicked right into Akane's face.

"Ooh, you dreadful girl, what are you doing?" Azusa Shiratori screeched back in the internationally recognized "Air-Headed Bimbo" tone. Ranma pulled the brim of his hat over his face and sighed. "Keep away from my Little Charlotte!"

Stopped by the angry girl, Akane recoiled. "My little who…? No, that's my pet pig, P-Chan!"

It would seem that God was deciding to punish Akane now for some crime by pitting idiots against her, Ranma mused. On the bright side, he now had a new name to refer to Ryoga by, so maybe this wasn't so bad. Oh, wait, another guy was involved now.

"Give her back!" Azusa cried to the handsome Mikado Sanzenin as he plucked "Charlotte" from her grasp and returned "her" to Akane. Okay, maybe this wasn't going to go stupid.

"I assume that this is yours?" Mikado asked Akane in a gentlemanly tone. "Forgive my companion's rudeness."

Akane blinked as she retrieved P-Chan. While she was grateful, her instincts were screaming at her to start punching this guy and never stop. Immediately, Azusa began beating Mikado about his head, shoulders, and back demanding that he return her prize at once. Strangely, he ignored the assault as he took a seat and explained the situation.

"You see, her hobby is collecting things." She was now hitting him with an ash tray, causing Ranma's brows to rise as Mikado ignored the hits. "When she comes across something, anything she finds cute, she names it and takes it home with her regardless of what it is, who it belongs to, or who it happens to be."

"Ah, so she's a kleptomaniac." Akane murmured, even as her bloodlust roared at her to commence throttling.

"It can be a very severe problem at times. Once she has set her sights on something she rarely lets it…" After about the fifth hit from the chair, Mikado lost his composure. "WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT YOU FUCKING IDIOT?"

Finding that Mikado would not cave to her demands, Azusa immediately decided that if you can't get something done right, you'll have to do it yourself. She turned to face Akane. "Alright, then I challenge you!"

"So you want to fight, huh?" Akane asked as she turned to hand P-Chan to Sayuri. "Hold him for me; I'm going to ugly this bitch up."

Oh God, Ranma wanted to do her right here. Still, before anyone could start throwing them bows, Azusa quickly corrected Akane. "No you barbarian, not a fight! I challenge you to a skating match. If I win, you have to give me back my beloved Charlotte!"

Akane stared at Azusa. "No! Go die in a fire!"

"Are you afraid you'll lose?" Azusa asked with a giggle.

Before Akane could explain that she's got a talent for beating people at their own game, Sayuri quickly caught her attention with a little bit of profile data. "Akane, hang on…these are Kolkhoz High School's champion freestyle skating duo, 'The Golden Pair' Azusa Shiratori and Mikado Sanzenin! They're not just some pushovers."

"Yeah, and I smashed the entire St. Bacchus Rhythmic Gymnastics team into paste, so what?" Wow, her being cocky was turning him on so bad. Unfortunately, this also aroused the attention of Mikado.

"Oh? You're the infamous Akane Tendo?" He spoke as he approached. "When I had heard that Kodachi Kuno had been bested by a mere rookie in the very arena she stood undefeated in, I was quite impressed. It's not every day that a prodigy emerges. You do not have to worry about facing my dreadful partner in a match."

To Akane and P-Chan's immediate horror, he cupped her face and tilted it upward. "As my way of apology, please accept this humble kiss…"

A fishcake smacked into the side of his face, stopping him. Ranma was sipping the last of his ramen broth as he stared at Mikado over the bowl. The character of his gaze said it all to Mikado, who walked over to the other young man before smiling. "I accept your challenge, Stranger."

Ranma nodded. "Good."

"We will do battle on the rink, the match will be one week from today at my school, my partner and I versus you and yours." Mikado said before he ate the fishcake.

"That's fine by me." Ranma set down the bowl, empty, and then back-fisted Mikado in the face, sending him slamming into Azusa, the impact throwing them and the table she had been standing next to over into the wall. Ranma got up. "See you next week. Akane, let's get home."

Almost hopping over obediently, Akane joined Ranma and left with him smiling brightly as Hiroshi, Daisuke and nearly everyone else in the rink stared in shock from the felled Golden Pair to the departing couple. Next to them, both Sayuri and Yuka swooned enviously.

Mikado sat up, the outline of Ranma's fist imprinted in his cheek. Next to him, Azusa was laid out with her eyes replaced with spirals. The handsome ice-skater rubbed his cheek and frowned. "Stranger, it appears that you have made an error."

* * *

"The nerve of that guy…" Ranma growled as he and Akane walked home.

Akane was in full agreement. "If you hadn't stepped in, I would've crushed his face."

Ranma let out a harrumph. "We're only getting into this because of P-Chan. The little porker's causing us a lot of trouble lately, isn't he? Maybe you should keep him at home more often?"

"I don't know." Akane replied. "Lately he's become really afraid of Nabiki. I think she's tormenting him whenever I'm not around."

The very mention of her name had P-Chan trembling in fear. Ranma hid his smirk from Akane. Whatever Nabiki was doing he wanted her to keep it up. When they got home, naturally Kasumi and Nabiki were the first to hear of the duel to come. Kasumi of course was tickled pink by the idea of Akane being in something as elegant as a figure skating competition after the disaster with Kodachi, while Nabiki was a little more genre savvy and opening up a betting pool online. There was going to be a lot of blood.

"While I don't have any doubts about how well you can skate, Akane-chan, what about you Ranma? Can you even stand in a pair?" Nabiki asked Ranma, using this information among others to develop the odds.

"Of course I can skate!" Ranma immediately lied before Ryoga slammed open the door. "Hello, Charlotte."

"If you want a real skater, let me be your partner Akane!" He immediately said after punching Ranma for the Charlotte dig.

Akane stared at him. "What."

"Hey, moron, I'm the one who issued the challenge." Ranma said as he sat up, rubbing his head. "Go find your own figure-skating pair to fight."

"You don't even know how to skate!" Ryoga accused. "I happen to be an excellent Ice Skater, Akane! Honest!"

He wasn't, but he was sure that he could disappear and quickly learn between now and the match. Ranma saw right through the lie and grabbed Ryoga by the collar to growl to him in a low tone. "This isn't about you, Gordy, butt out of our business."

"What do you mean–?" Ryoga tried to protest.

Akane cut him off. "I appreciate your concern Ryoga, but it's Ranma's fight, not mine. I'm just going to partner up with him."

Ryoga looked from Akane back to Ranma in surprise. "When did you…?"

Ranma cut him off next. "Don't you have places to be? I'm sure Nabiki can show you out."

Ryoga went hilariously pale, and he looked over. Nabiki glanced over her shoulder discreetly to him and licked her lips like a hungry predator.

Kasumi let out a giggle as Nabiki got up and led Ryoga out. Akane turned to Ranma. "Can you skate?"

Ranma sighed. "Yeah, I can. But there's a bit of a problem…"

Akane frowned. "What is it?"

"I haven't done it in years."

Akane grimaced at this, but sighed. "Look, if you're a fast learner, then we can get it all out of the way in no time. I'm a good teacher!"

Ranma folded his arms and nodded. "I won't need much, once I get back on the ice, it'll be like riding a bike!"

* * *

We now go back, a handful of years. Still bearing fresh scars both emotional and physical from his father's disastrous attempt at teaching him an "ultimate technique", Ranma Saotome balanced precariously on his ice skates and the daunting task that lay across the very long ice rink. His mother, all serene smiles and a radiant aura of maternal patience, waited on the other end of the rink.

"Are you hesitating, Ranma-kun?" She asked the young boy, who immediately shored up his resolve and sneered.

"No! I'm just sizing up my approach!" Between him and his mother laid a small obstacle course, small by the standards of the Saotome family, but most assuredly suicide by even the most prestigious of skaters save one.

Smiling, his mother brought a whistle to her lips. "Then we'll begin on the whistle. Ready?" After a moment to allow her son to prepare, he was off, racing down the rink like an Olympic Speed Skater being chased by a drug tester. The first set of obstacles, a simple slalom, was mastered with ease. Immediately after that, a hop, skip and a jump over planks laid across the ice. On landing, he ducked and weaved around the swinging sand bags suspended from the ceiling of the rink. Once clear, he evaded the arrows fired by the Rental Eskimos his mother hired for the task.

As the last arrow whipped by, he slid to a halt and immediately filled out the first two pages of the Toudai Entrance Exam, and then tore off again. After narrowly passing the whirling fan blades, jumping over the flamethrowers, and overcoming the entire defensive lineup of the 2009/10 Boston Bruins and pile driving their goalie into the ice, a panting, singed, and bruised Ranma slid to a halt in front of his mother.

"What…what's my time?" He asked.

She checked her stopwatch. "Eighteen-point-seven seconds, you're getting better, but you still have a long way to go to beat the course best."

Ranma fell to his knees. "What was that?"

"Three seconds."

Ranma called out to the sky. "FUCK YOU, BRIAN BOITANO!"

"Mind your language, Ranma-kun, especially when invoking His name!" His mother chastised before Genma walked over. "Oh, hello Honey."

"I figured I'd find you here. First you teach him how to cook, then you teach him how to…ugh…sew, then you keep taking him to that damn hospital, and now ice skating!" Genma griped.

Ranma looked between his father and mother, who immediately grew quite passive. "Well, I only thought that he could use some other skills…"

"What other skills? I caught you teaching him to apply makeup!"

"Actually that was camouflage…" She began.

"And before that, taking him to the library? How's that going to help when he doesn't even do good in school!"

"You see, there were some books there on Tactical Espionage…"

Genma groaned. "My dear wife I love you, but leave training the boy to the martial arts master! He's going to be the greatest martial artist on Earth, he doesn't need you filling his head with nonsensical dribble he won't need in the heat of battle!"

"Drivel." She corrected.

"What?"

"I mean, ah…I suppose you're right, husband. I'll defer to you." She admitted.

Genma smiled and put an arm around her. "Of course you will. Trust me honey, I'm going to turn this hopeless boy of ours into a man amongst men…"

"Oh really…?"

* * *

"Ranma, I thought you said you were just a little rusty!"

Akane's voice suddenly interrupted Ranma from her trip down memory lane. Currently she was clinging onto Akane's arm, struggling to stay upright despite the constant fear that her skates were going to just take off from under her.

"It's this d-damn body…my balance is thrown off by these fantastic breasts…" She shot back as she slipped again. In her male form, skating really was no problem, but because they were in such a chilly environment and the discovery by Nabiki that Kolkhoz Academy used its Swimming Pool as an Ice Rink, no chances were to be taken. All weaknesses had to be covered.

"Maybe we should invest in somehow keeping you dry during the match, then." Akane wondered.

Ranma chuckled. "Come on, Akane, admit it. You don't mind cuddling like this while we're skating together." She held tighter to the actual girl's arm for emphasis. Akane blushed and bumped her hip to Ranma's while smirking.

"Yeah, I like it a little bit…" She admitted. Then Azusa plowed into them both, knocking Akane down and sending Ranma careening across the ice. "Ow! Hey!"

"Oops, Azusa didn't see you there." Azusa mockingly apologized.

Akane got up to say some choice words about Azusa's mother and her sexual involvement with cows in retrospect when she pointed over. "Before you get all foul mouthed, you should do something about your friend~."

"What?" Akane looked over and saw Ranma out of control. "Oh shit, Ranma stop!"

"I c-can't stop I'm gonna fall!" She yelled before she was caught by likely the last person in the rink she'd want to catch her. "Eh?"

"Are you alright?" Mikado asked in that gratingly affectionate and polite he used on Akane before he attempted to rape her mouth.

"Oh, it's you…" Ranma began to tense up to punch his face off.

Mikado smiled and rendered her frozen as he tilted her chin up. "It's me? I don't think we've met before, I'd never forget such an adorable face…"

Unexpectedly it was Azusa who intervened, kneeing Mikado in the face as she leaped over them both. Landing gracefully, the young expert circled around arms akimbo. "You chase tail on someone else's time! We have to practice the 'Assault of a Hundred Foes'!"

Ranma watched as Mikado lurched off, rubbing his face, and went over to join her. Wait a minute, was that what she thought it was? Before she could realize she was freely standing on her own and fall over, Akane slid over and put an arm around her to keep her standing. "The 'Assault of a Hundred Foes', what kind of skating drill goes by something like…that…?"

Both she and Ranma looked around to find the ice clear of everyone except for themselves, their rivals, and now about a hundred hockey players. Akane and Ranma stared at the scene, before dread overcame the former. "Oh no…you're not serious…!"

Joining with his partner, Mikado smiled to both the lovely young women and spoke. "Begin."

The hundred hockey players immediately attacked, and to Ranma's fascination and Akane's horror, Mikado and Azusa proceeded to wreck every single one of them worse than Scott Stevens on a good day. Nine seconds later it was all over, and there were hockey players laid out all over the ice. Akane was still horrified, while Ranma was just blown away by their effective crowd control style.

"What is this I don't even…?" Akane gurgled as Mikado caught Azusa and gently set her down as though she were fine china rather than the melee weapon he'd just used her as.

"…And finish." He turned to one of the players as he produced a stopwatch. "What's our time?"

"Nine seconds." The player said. "That's a new record for Kolkhoz High School's Golden Pair of Martial Arts Skating."

"I don't believe this…" Akane grumbled, all notion of civility in a sport she took up for its grace and athleticism gone. Ranma was a little more excited about the prospect.

"Akane this is great! If it's martial arts skating, then there's no way we can lose!" She tried to assure her.

Akane sighed. "It's not that. I didn't take up figure skating to fight on the ice. If I wanted to do that I'd play hockey, or curling."

"They have martial arts curling?" Ranma asked her, completely fascinated now by what awaited her in the realm of winter sports.

Akane sighed, but before she could deliver a zippy reply, the squeals of a piglet and girls with odd tastes in what was cute caught her and Ranma's attention. Turning towards the scene, Ranma groaned. What was he doing here?

"P-Chan what are you doing here?" Akane asked as she abandoned Ranma to quickly capture her besieged pet.

P-Chan cursed his predicament. He had only come to learn how to skate, so on the day of the match he could successfully intervene and take Ranma's place at Akane's side. But it seemed that fate immediately conspired against him in the form of a carelessly thrown cup of soda and the garbage can that he got between. This was all Ranma's fault; he just knew it, as he blindly tore ahead of the pack of adoring girls.

"P-Chan, don't worry I got you!" Akane called as she crouched down to scoop him up. He wept tears of joy; oh thank goodness she was here! Before he could nestle himself into her warm cleavage, however, Azusa swept him just out of Akane's grasp.

"Oh Charlotte, mommy's missed you!" She crooned as she held the piglet on high. Akane's face flashed red with anger.

"That's not your pet, damn it!" She yelled at her, before Azusa snapped a collar onto his neck. "Hey!"

"It's so cute on you, Charlotte!" Azusa chimed as she beheld the pink collar and heart tag with "Charlotte" written in red and gold with a cute ribbon behind it. Akane snatched P-Chan from her and immediately sought to rip off the collar.

"Get that off him!" She yelled as she tried to tear it off. However, despite her superhuman strength, it was proving difficult. "God damn it, Plot Device Alloy!"

Azusa giggled at Akane's efforts. "Yes, if you want to remove it, you'll need the key~." She displayed the key before pulling at the neckline of her outfit and dropping it into her bra. "If you want the key, you'll have to win the match!"

She didn't know it, but Akane was at the last straw on the camel's back and Azusa and her pervert partner were ready to drop it. "I don't care if you're Tonya-fucking-Harding and Jeff Gillooly; if you don't take this collar off right now, I'm going to resurface the ice with your blood!"

"You're so barbaric~." Azusa sang back.

Before Akane could wreck her shit, Ranma cried out. "Akane, if you do not catch me I am going to fall!"

Akane immediately turned to rescue her darling, but came up short again as Mikado this time intercepted her prize. "Don't worry, I've got you."

Ranma immediately began to flail. "Your assistance was not requested and is not appreciated!" She yelled at him.

Mikado smiled and dipped Ranma to both her and Akane's horror and Azusa's irritation. "Well that's too bad."

Akane shook her head. He wasn't going to…

"You can still thank me, though."

Oh God, he was going to.

"For my rescuing you earlier…"

Oh shit. Oh shit. OH SHIT.

Mikado kissed Ranma firmly on her lips, a full-on open-mouthed kiss with no small bit of tongue action. Ranma immediately froze in his grasp, her eyes wide as her mind underwent a massive cascade failure. Behind Akane, Azusa folded her arms in discontent and looked away, while Akane herself and P-Chan stared at the scene. Both knew very well that there were going to full-life consequences for this. After what was entirely too long, Mikado broke the kiss and slowly pulled away, a line of drool connecting his and Ranma's tongues that evaporated in the cold air.

"A…amazing…" He uttered, having never kissed a girl quite like her in the hundreds he'd kissed before.

Ranma completely and entirely shattered, and in a flash was running out of the rink sobbing her eyes out. Watching her go, Mikado actually swooned. "That girl…she reacted so strongly, so innocently…I think I'm in love."

Azusa rolled her eyes, while Akane slowly turned to face Mikado. "You're not in love, you're dead. You're dead and you don't even know it yet."

Mikado turned to Akane. "Excuse me?"

Before she could precisely explain how dead Mikado was, the air temperature in the rink increased by about ten degrees as a very angry and now very male Ranma walked back onto the rink, the ice cracking under his every step.

"Mikado Sanzenin…!" He growled. "Fuck your school, you and I are fighting now. I cannot let you live."

Mikado recoiled, and then sighed. "Oh, it's you. What, pray-tell, did I do to earn your wrath today, stranger?"

Akane wanted to get close to Ranma and tell him to calm down, but he'd just been kissed by a guy so she was going to let him go right ahead and destroy the concept of Mikado Sanzenin's existence with his bare hands. She looked to Mikado. "I told you, you're already dead."

"That's right…" Ranma's anger was indeed at a climax, beyond the indignation of Kuno's love confession, beyond the anger caused by Ryoga's accusation of him being gay. "…For the first time in my life, I'm really pissed off!"

The ice cracked around Ranma, and then shattered in a long gouge straight for Mikado, who skated clear of it. Mikado looked at the damage to the ice, and then turned to Ranma.

"I don't know what's gotten you so worked up, but for the sin of damaging the sacred rink you must die!" He demanded. "Lead on, stranger!"

Ranma's fist slammed into Mikado's face before he even saw it. End over end, the ice skater tumbled through the air just above the ice before going into the wall, denting it and creating a brilliant spider's web of cracks that extended along half the rink's glass. Akane shook her head; she knew this was going to happen. Behind her, the hockey team was in total shock.

"Did, did he just put Mikado into the wall!" One asked.

"This guy's the real deal…oh man!" Another replied.

"Hey!" A third shouted. "Mikado's getting up!"

Mikado pushed himself off the wall and dusted himself off before rubbing his jaw. "Impressive, stranger, that actually stung a bit."

Akane's eyes widened. "This guy…he's tougher than Ryoga!"

"When you train in the cold, your body gains a toughness that can't be compared." Mikado explained as he adopted a stance. "The icy rink at Kolkhoz is kept perpetually at thirty degrees below zero solely for the sake of mine and Azusa's training!"

Ranma cracked his knuckles. "So I just have to keep punching you until you break. That's fine by me!" He was off like a gunshot, but his fist slammed into the wall behind Mikado as he narrowly evaded the blow.

"Straight line attacks…" Mikado raced like a slithering snake for Ranma. "…Are too predictable!"

He delivered a kick that Ranma took to the shoulder. Skidding backward, Ranma rushed forward and began firing off volleys of punches that Mikado made short work of evading. "Evading one hundred foes is a piece cake for me, do you think I'd let you hit me once?"

"You've already let me hit you TWICE!" Ranma performed a feint with his final punch and chained it to a kick to the side of Mikado's head. Spinning through the air, he recovered and landed, skidding backwards as he let out a laugh.

"So I have, and this makes three. Thank you for correcting me, good sir." Mikado replied as he rubbed the impact zone as one would wipe away a smudge on their cheek.

* * *

Akane tensed. Ranma was landing hits, but this guy was shrugging them off. That wasn't all. She was almost certain that there'd be no way he could keep this intensity. "He's wasting a ton of power on his skating, while Mikado is going to be much more efficient. With that crazy durability of his, he'll be able to stall Ranma out."

And that exactly was what Mikado was doing as he either evaded or blocked Ranma's devastating blows, or simply using his ability to take a hit and the force of the blow to open the distance between him and Ranma, forcing him to skate to catch up. "You're not a very good skater, at what point did you believe you could defeat me?"

"Shut up…!" Ranma swung at him and missed badly before swinging around and attempting to hit again. Blocking the strike Mikado caught Ranma's arm and heeled over to launch him in a text book judo throw. "Crap!"

Naturally, Ranma recovered in mid-air, but on landing slipped, flipped and crashed flat on his face. Akane winced at the impact and immediately skated over to him. "Ranma, are you alright?"

Palms flat on the ice, Ranma pushed himself up and flipped down onto his feet, catching himself on the landing with Akane's help. He let out a growl and glanced back at Mikado, who was smiling in amusement. "This fucker is a dead man."

Akane nodded. "I understand. Is there anything I can do?"

"Help me wreck the both of these idiots." He said as he turned around to face Mikado completely. "Akane fuck that bitch up."

Setting P-Chan down, Akane turned to face Azusa and nodded as she cracked her knuckles. "I have an idea, you trust me?"

"Sure." Ranma got ready to shoot off. Mikado raised his brows at Akane's apparent involvement in the fight.

"What's this? You're both going to fight?" He asked as Azusa skated over to his side with a sour expression on her face.

Akane glared at Azusa. "This is not a fight, this is pest control! Ranma, let's go!"

Both shot toward the Golden Pair, the much more adept Akane outstripping Ranma before weaving from side to side, falling back towards him, and building momentum. Azusa stuck her tongue out at them. "I refuse to fight outside of an ordained match!"

"Then let me show you something Kodachi Kuno taught me!" Akane shouted as both she and Ranma attacked. Akane's knee collided with Azusa's chin and Ranma's elbow plowed into Mikado's gut, sending both skipping across the ice like stones and into the wall. "Even if I defeat my opponent before the bell rings, a victory is a victory!"

Akane came to a halt, while Ranma managed to stop a bit more sloppily. She sighed. "I seriously did not take up ice skating for this."

"Ooh…that dreadful girl!" Azusa growled as she rubbed her chin.

"Now, now…if they want to have their match now, let them. However if they're going to play dirty like this, then let's not give them any quarter." Mikado snapped his fingers, and the hundred foes appeared before them. He glanced to Azusa, and then spoke. "Gentlemen, let us test their mettle. Begin the assault of a hundred foes!"

Ranma took a few steps back as the human avalanche fell upon them. Akane immediately moved up.

"You got this?" He asked.

Akane smirked. "I got this."

As the leading hockey player closed in, he stared at the girl and suddenly felt he should be remembering something. He had just reached her, when it dawned on him. This was Akane Tendo, who regularly destroyed groups of up to two hundred students on a daily basis for three weeks straight without a single scratch.

"OH SHIT!"

Akane's fist plowed in his face, and he was grabbed by his feet and used as a club to send about ten more of his teammates flying about the ice. Fists and feet (with those blades to boot) were everywhere, along with elbows and knees, cracking helmets, ripping through shoulder pads tearing open wounds, and generally performing unspeakable acts upon the human body.

"Please!" Akane yelled as she smashed a hockey player's Jason mask in. "This isn't even…!" She slashed another player with a kick, cutting open his shirt and the padding underneath with the blade of her skate. "…A warm up!" She grabbed another and lifted him up into a power bomb before slamming him down on the head of a clearly suicidal player trying to spear her, causing the ice the splinter beneath both.

Akane suddenly detected movement to her side and lashed out to strike it, when she saw Azusa slide inside her reach gracefully, her hand coming up to deliver a debilitating blow. "Oh no…!"

Ranma went wide eyed. "Akane look out!"

She immediately recalled Ranma's conversation from weeks back:

_"Sure, now you are. But what about a few months from now, when you're full into the groove of crowd fighting? One day Kuno might decide to slip into the thick of it as you're thrashing them, and then when you go to deliver the one-hitter quitter-POW! You're face down in the dirt."_

As his words rang true Akane watched Azusa's fist home in on her jaw.

"_Shit."_

* * *

A/N: Oh my God~ a cliffhanger~! What is Akane gonna do~!


	9. 518 Part 2

Disclaimer: "Rule of Whatever" is now in effect.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
518 (Part 2)

_I guess you could say...*sunglasses* the author forgot to chill out.  
YEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!_

**[9.]**

Like a machine Akane responded on instinct alone, parrying the strike and then rapidly counterattacking with her own punch. Everything returned to speed as Azusa evaded and the two traded quick blows that were similarly blocked and deflected. The expert figure skater jumped into a spin away from a high kick fired by Akane and landed to sweep away from her, joining Mikado as he circled the fight.

"She was able to break the assault of a hundred foes by herself." Mikado observed. "She's as frightening as they say."

Azusa pouted. "She's not that scary. I can break the assault of a hundred foes by myself, and look much prettier doing it."

Ranma held up a fist. "Nice moves, Akane!"

"She almost had me, thanks for that talk though about crowd fighting though." Akane began skating, Ranma at her side, the two couples now cruising even with each other as frightened patrons cleared the ice to avoid the violence. "Between my skating and your fighting, we can close the gap, but we've got to narrow it down further than this or they'll just outlast us."

Ranma closed his eyes and thought. She was right, these two were better purely through technical skill, defensive ability, and field advantage. What they needed was to weaken them just enough to get past that advantage? It seemed impossible

_"Ranma…"_He heard a ghostly voice say as some Star Wars theme played.

He stopped. _"Huh? That voice…"_

"…Remember what I taught you…"

"What…you taught me…"

Ranma nodded.

_"When all seems lost, remember to ask yourself…"_

Ranma blinked, and then smiled to Akane. "I've got it, Akane. What would Brian Boitano do?"

Akane gasped and then quickly processed the question. "He'd find a weakness they never bothered to cover!"

"That's right! Let's start probing them for openings. Go!" Ranma called out before they went on the offensive.

Regaining his clothes and some convenient hot water was easy enough for Ryoga. Fighting his way through the crowds gathered there, he reached the edge of the rink as a pair of blurs shot past. The spectators, now safe from the fight, were all atwitter over watching The Golden Pair go up against Akane "Worldwide Road Roller" Tendo and the baddest motherfucker Furinkan High School has ever seen Ranma Saotome.

"Akane…" He gasped as he watched her and Ranma square off with the Golden Pair. He had to do something. Against monsters like these Ranma would only slow Akane down.

Ranma called out to Mikado. "The preliminaries are over! Now it's just you and us!"

"I suppose so." Mikado said. "However, bear in mind I don't feel obliged to fight a man who will hide behind a woman."

As he spoke, he and Azusa had attacked, the latter swung like a club straight for Ranma and Akane. Picking Akane up, he tossed her over the attack as he ducked. "Better than fighting a man who only sees a woman as an object!"

Akane spun and recovered, landing behind Ranma as he turned around to face the Golden Pair. Swinging Azusa full circle, Mikado launched her straight for Ranma like a missile. "Catch."

"No thanks." Ranma side-stepped Azusa and she was quickly caught by Akane.

"Oof!" Barely winded by Azusa's shoulder going into her gut, Akane immediately lifted her off the ice and flipped her up onto her shoulders, to deliver her back onto the ice in a power bomb. Azusa recovered quickly, however, wrapping her legs around Akane before swinging herself into a textbook huracanrana, sending Akane flipping head over heels onto her back.

Catching herself on one hand on the ice, Azusa swung herself around with the grace of a break dancer before catching herself on her toes and pushing herself back onto her feet. Mikado, who'd watched the brief clash, chuckled. "You can't even take a hit for your partner, how cowardly…!"

Ranma's shoulder collided with his gut, knocking the wind out of Mikado and sending him sloppily stumbling. "Akane can take care of herself!"

Mikado's eyes widened as Ranma followed up his shoulder barge with a superb uppercut, the blow lifting him off his feet. Tucking into a back flip, he landed on the ice and skidded. So that was the intention all along. "Well played, this is what you both wanted, wasn't it, to split us up?"

He captured Ranma's fist in his hand and deflected it, and then the other as he swiftly cut backwards across the ice. Repeating his guards and parries, he finally stopped a particularly vicious punch with and elbow before punching Ranma hard in the stomach. "I have no problem about a singles competition, either!"

The force of the blow sent a shockwave out behind Ranma, before Mikado slammed a second punch into his gut and knocked him back. Ranma slid back and let out a growl as he charged in again. "Bastard!"

Mikado ducked under the punch aimed for his face and whirled around him. Spinning around, Ranma jumped to evade a punch fired for his face and kneed Mikado in his. When he captured his knee with a free hand, Ranma grinned and lashed his legs around Mikado's arms before swinging down and sending face first into the ice, which he slid on a good distance before laying down and whirling back up onto his feet.

That had actually stung, but Mikado wasn't going to go down that cliché road by saying it again. Straightening out his sweater and adjusting his sleeve, he beckoned for Ranma to come at him…smirking. Much as he didn't want to admit it, but fighting this amateur was beginning to make his blood boil in a good way.

* * *

As Ranma shot after Mikado, Akane and Azusa flashed past one another like blurs across the ice, the spray of ice behind their skates exploding in small puffs of mist wherever they traded blows on the pass. Moving more like a speed skater than a figure skater after one such pass, Akane coasted near the wall, coming to within inches of it as she finished her turn before pouring on the speed to close in on Azusa faster than before.

"Ah!" Azusa suddenly lashed out with a strike for Akane's face, only for her fingers to plunge into an afterimage. She looked surprised. "She evaded!"

She jumped and twisted like a cat to evade the aerial attack that created a plume of ice that rose above the ice rink, to the shock and amazement of the spectators. Landing just clear of the rolling wave of ice crystals, Azusa crossed her hands behind one another with palms out to catch Akane's punch. Right behind it, her attacker stared at her with wide eyes as she raised her other fist and slammed it straight into Azusa's jaw, sending her across the ice like a rag doll.

After two impacts with the ice, Azusa recovered with a hand spring onto her feet and performed a somersault to kill her excess momentum. As she flipped, Akane passed her, and when she landed she was already ducking under a high kick aimed for her throat. As the two passed one another, a few strands of Azusa's hair and droplets of her blood fell onto the ice.

Both slid to a halt and turned to face each other. Azusa bringing up a hand to wipe away the blood that seeped through the fine cut on the side of her neck. She hadn't ducked fast enough, but had she been slower, she'd be bleeding out on the ice. "You are dangerous."

"Hell yeah I am." Akane said as she got ready to attack again. "You've got one last chance…give up, and I won't put you in the hospital."

Azusa puffed her cheeks. "No! Charlotte is mine!"

Akane shot towards Azusa and jumped into a graceful spin that turned into a deadly roundhouse that was stopped by Azusa's more grounded variant.

"God, why are you so stupid? This isn't about P-Chan anymore!" Dropping to the ground, Akane spun into a sweep as Azusa performed a crescent kick, both missing one another before the former rolled away to avoid the descending fist of the latter. Azusa rose up from her crouch and dusted the shaved ice off her knuckles.

Akane got up and brushed her skirt down; too focused on her opponent to realize that she'd flashed her panties to the world and growled. "What the Hell is wrong with you!"

It was like a God damned brick wall that could magically talk. Azusa fired back vehemently. "Why do you even care so much about Charlotte when you have a boyfriend?"

Stopping, Akane stared at Azusa. Wait a second; what did Ranma have to do with this? "What did you say?"

Azusa frowned; this angry girl was grating her nerves. "I'm tired of you. I think I will end this, it is time for pretty Azusa to defeat you!"

"Bring it on…" Akane growled as she prepared herself.

* * *

"Wow, so that's really the guy who defeated Tatewaki Kuno?" Ryoga overheard one of the walking wounded hockey players say to another, and he gritted his teeth.

"Yeah, they fought like five times and out of all of them, Kuno only ever really got like one hit in. If there's anybody who can give Mikado some trouble, it's probably going to be this guy." Said the other injured man.

Ryoga snorted aloud, getting their attention. "Ranma Saotome isn't that good."

Ranma and Mikado crashed into each other, arm to arm before Mikado attempted a kick that Ranma quickly evaded before both shot away from each other. Springing up, Ranma punched and punched, but Mikado's strong defenses wore through his hits. Catching a punch in his hand, Mikado swiftly spun and threw Ranma across the ice. He landed, kicking up a spray, before hurtling himself back at his thrower. Even with his strength, there was only so long this could go on, it was now or never.

Getting in close, Ranma swiftly blocked one of Mikado's punches and struck for his face. When Mikado fell for the feint and countered, Ranma quickly captured his fist with his free hand. Mikado snorted. "Bastard…!"

Ranma caught his other hand, stopping him dead in his tracks. "You got a lot of nerve calling me a bastard, Georgie Porgie."

"Excuse me?" Mikado tried to push forward, but Ranma planted his blades literally into the ice, anchoring him down. "Ah!"

"Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie kissed the girls and made them cry." Ranma sang mockingly. "That's you, just going around kissing any old girl you meet!"

Mikado took offense. "I'll have you know that I have only the highest standards in the girls that I grace with my lips!" He swung himself up to kick Ranma and connected, knocking him back as he landed on his own.

Ranma stumbled and nearly fell himself, but recovered right at the last moment. As Mikado got up, Ranma pressed his new attack. "Yeah, if she's cute, kiss her? Like nothing else matters? Like if she's got a boyfriend?" A surge of anger sent him straight for Mikado. "Or if she hates boys!"

His punch was blocked, but Mikado clearly felt the force of it this time, given his pained grunt as he was pushed backward and off balance. He caught himself just fast enough to block another punch, a loud scraping sounding as he was pushed back again. "Such technicalities are of no concern to me."

He broke his block and punched Ranma across the face. "There is no way a woman could resist my charm!"

He then delivered a flying knee to Ranma's chin that lifted him off his feet. "And their boyfriends are jokes!"

Ranma tucked into a flip and landed as Mikado came down behind him and both cross-countered one another's ensuing roundhouse kicks, their blades stopping inches from the other's face. Mikado smirked. "Akane Tendo's your girlfriend, is she not? I've still yet to kiss her properly."

"That's the shit I'm talking about, moron." Ranma growled as the pushed away from each other. "I don't want you kissing my girlfriend!"

Mikado shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sorry, I just happen to be down with OPP."

He turned to the spectators. "Are you down with OPP?"

"YEAH YOU KNOW ME!" They enthusiastically responded, with some raising the roof.

The author was then struck by lightning, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as the punch to the gut Ranma delivered unto Mikado. Three shockwaves rippled out from the point of impact and were visible as they spread out behind him, causing the walls some ten meters behind them to wobble. Rather than go flying into them, however, Mikado just staggered and doubled over, coughing and retching violently until, to everyone's disgust and amazement, he threw up all over the ice.

"Well, so much for your 'sacred rink', right?" Ranma asked as Mikado, disheveled and gasping for air looked up at him with a wild, hate-filled glare. "I have no intention of letting you lay a finger, let alone your fucking lips, on my fiancée!"

Mikado looked past Ranma, and then frowned. "You mean that fiancée?"

Ranma looked back, and joined the crowd in their abject horror at what had transpired on the ice while everyone was focused on Ranma and Mikado's exchange. Akane was face down on the ice, against a wall, a pool of blood spreading from underneath her. Adjusting her hair and then smoothing her dress, Azusa looked back down towards Akane and let out a petulant huff. "If you don't move, maybe you'll live."

"Too many people underestimate Azusa's ability." Mikado said as he stood upright. "After all…I learned how to skate from her."

There was no reaction from Ranma, he stood there, completely silent, his gaze locked onto Akane and her opponent. Mikado sized up Ranma as he continued to speak. "It would seem that Akane Tendo still has a long way to go. Azusa's Flying Guillotine is nearly as powerful as our greatest technique, the Goodbye Whirl."

The edge of the wall cracked and broke in Ryoga's grip as he too watched the drama unfold. Akane had attacked Azusa, when it had all gone bad. Azusa had suddenly gone inside Akane's lunge and seized her in a grab. The force of the impact had knocked the wind out of Akane long enough for Azusa to begin spinning and subsequently throw her into the glass. As per its Plexiglas property, it warped like a rubber band being pulled taut before it sprang back, throwing Akane into the air, and right into Azusa's so-called Flying Guillotine, a spin of countless revolutions turned into a deadly spinning kick that lashed her with the blades of Azusa's skates and drove her into the wall where she now lay.

"Akane…" The steel remnants of the barrier Ryoga held warped and seemed to melt in his grip. He could no longer stand around and watch like he was useless like Krillin or something! Unfortunately, the moment he hopped out onto the ice, he slipped, flipped, and flopped onto his face.

Azusa circled wide around Ranma, joining Mikado's side. "Are you alright, honey?"

Mikado nodded. "Of course, Kolkhoz's finest skating star losing to an amateur would be an embarrassment I could never recover from."

"So now can we beat this one so I can claim my sweet Charlotte?" Azusa asked.

"Yes." Mikado's aloof, suave composure returned. "We'll overwhelm him with our synchronized technique."

Ranma was still looking towards Akane, but had changed. Namely, there was now frost all across his body. Mikado looked over to Azusa. "We'll hit him together, ready? Go!"

The couple raced towards Ranma, who remained frozen still as they gathered momentum for their attack. When they reached him, however, he suddenly turned around and swung his hand towards them with his fingers extended like claws. While he didn't touch them physically, something did hit them with the force and suddenness of a shotgun blast, as five deep, long slashes appeared in the ice and in the concrete below, tearing it apart and sending the Golden Pair flying.

The force of much of the blow was absorbed by Mikado, and he was thrown the furthest. Landing hard on the ice, but on his feet, he watched as Azusa hit it in a tumble. "What…what on Earth was that?"

He let out a pained gasp, and looked down to find three long gashes across his body, all of them deep enough to begin bleeding profusely, but not enough to disembowel him. "Impossible…he…he injured me!"

He looked back up at Ranma, who now stared at him and his partner. The frost was now creeping across his face, his eyes cold and focused as he acquired not Mikado, but the recovering Azusa. "Azusa! He's going to attack!"

"Ah?" Azusa looked towards Ranma. "Nonsense, he wouldn't hit a cutie like…" He was already over her, his expression blank as he raised his hand like a claw over Azusa. "…me."

The impact created a deep hole in the rink, but Mikado had been fast enough to snatch his partner from beneath certain death. Sliding to a halt, Mikado stared in amazement at the dust and vaporized ice that swirled around Ranma. For a moment, he thought he heard a cat yowling angrily, before it cleared enough for him to catch Ranma's stare.

"That attack…he was really trying to kill just then." Mikado murmured, before Ranma spoke.

"You hurt Akane…" What immediately put Mikado off was the rigid, low tone Ranma spoke with. "…I'm going to kill you both."

"Y-you're crazy." Mikado recognized real killing intent when he saw this. This wasn't just teenage bluster; he was really going to try to kill them!

"He's crazy?" And like that, the murderous intent drained from Ranma, as Akane's voice seemed to lift him from his unbelievable anger and cast him into the warmth of relief. "You're the ones…who started this, knowing full well who the Hell we are!"

Getting up onto her feet, Akane wiped the blood from her face and neck and steadied herself, as Ranma rushed over to her side. "Akane, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Akane snorted. "Finish him off; I think I've got idiot girl figured out."

Ranma looked over to her. "Are you sure?"

Akane nodded cracked her knuckles. "She's just a nutjob in need of hands-on therapy."

* * *

Both he and Akane immediately assumed fighting stances, as Mikado observed in curiosity. That killing intent was gone, he appeared back to normal, but now there was no way he could take that chance. "I see we can't hold back, get ready to cut these lovers down."

"Okay!" Azusa announced cheerfully. "The Goodbye Whirl it is!"

"Yeah…how about…" Ranma had thrown Akane straight at Azusa, and she quickly threw herself into a midair tumble to slam her leg down on her head in a fearsome rolling kick. "No!"

As Azusa blocked with her arms above her head, Akane sprang off her into a graceful back-flip. Mikado immediately saw his chance and skated out to catch her. It was time to set up the Goodbye oh wow, he forgot about Ranma, who skidded to a halt and sent a spray of ice spraying into his face before perform a roundhouse kick to clothesline him. "Damn…!"

He looked up in time to see Akane suddenly right herself from her flip, and then crash down on him, driving him into the ice before using him to spring straight for Azusa. "The only one who's going 'Goodbye' is you!"

Azusa pouted and kicked Akane, who blocked and was thrown aside before landing and charging her again. "Why won't you just stay down and let me have Charlotte?"

She tried to get clear, but Akane was able to edge her out and drive a fist into her gut, causing her to stagger back, before giving her an uppercut. "Ow!"

Was she hitting harder? How could she be getting stronger? As she landed, she was elbowed in the chest and fell backward as she tripped over the fouled ice. "Azusa…doesn't…understand…how…?"

Azusa had hit Akane with her best solo technique so hard she was literally bleeding out on the ice. How could she be still standing, let alone hitting harder?

"Ever since this started," Akane spoke calmly, "I couldn't understand why you were so irrationally set on having something that was clearly not yours…until just now."

Azusa's eyes widened when she witnessed a blue light begin to faintly rise from her. "That's a battle aura!"

"This fight is over." Akane said, before she grew savage. "A pathetic girl like you could never defeat me, I've figured you out!"

"Who are you calling pathetic!" She yelled at Akane as she charged her.

Her chance! Akane lunged forward, and countered Azusa, their fists slamming into each other's faces at the same time. The force of the combined blows killed both their momentum, but it became clear who won the contest.

As Azusa began to reel, Akane followed up her attack with a rising knee that collided with Azusa's arms as she tried to block. Azusa heard and felt the snap at the same time. The bitch broke her arm!

Grabbing her by her hair, Akane let out a yell as she plowed a punch into her face, sending her skidding across the ice before hitting the wall. She laid there for only a moment, and then tried to get back up. She had just gotten to her feet shakily, when Akane's right smashed into her face, sending her stumbling along the wall and falling onto her face again.

"Your obsession with cute things…!" Akane yelled.

Akane slammed her foot down on her back, the blade of her skate cutting deep into it, causing her to scream.

"Your fake cutesy act and attitude…!"

Grabbing the back of her outfit, Akane let out a yell as she tore the back of her dress open with the fury of an animal.

"The way you react to Sanzenin's shameless womanizing…!"

Azusa pushed Akane off and desperately swung at her, only for her already broken arm to receive another break when Akane batted it away. She yelled out in pain.

Akane stepped back. "…And the way you stay by his side, and trust him despite everything!"

Getting, Azusa scrambled backward against wall, leaning against it as she clutched her arm in a desperate bid to regroup.

Akane declared. "It's because you're in love with Mikado Sanzenin!"

A punch forced Azusa from the wall, before Akane grabbed her by the hair and pulled her into a headbutt that cut her forehead. Akane roared. "Even if I let you keep P-chan you wouldn't be happy!"

Staring at Akane, Azusa felt hot tears of anger and humiliation begin to form in her eyes and run down her face as Akane exposed her to the entire arena. "Everything you do is just to cover up your own overwhelming self-hatred, because you think you're a failure as a woman!"

Despite her injuries and fear, Azusa completely broke down at the accusation, and shrieked in anger as she threw herself at Akane with all her might. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

She managed to connect a punch to Akane's face, and received a knee to her chest in return. Recovering, Akane advanced forward and clobbered her with a right. "And that's…!"

The stunned crowd watched in silence the brutality that Akane took one half of the Golden Pair down with. Marching after her, Akane struck Azusa again with a left, knocking a tooth from the girl's mouth. "…Why you…"

She then delivered another right, sending her stumbling the other way. "…will never…"

Azusa, punch drunk, weakly swung back at Akane, only to have her punch blocked with ease. "…have any…"

Despite her broken arm, Azusa lunged in to capitalize off the opening created by the block, only to regret it as Akane easily countered it and slammed another right into her jaw. "…REAL HAPPINESS!"

Staggering back Akane clasped her hands together, and raised them above her head as she leaped above Azusa. Screaming like a wild woman, her eyes burning bright red as her name suggested she fell upon Azusa, paralyzed by exhaustion, pain, and anguish as the hammer blow came down.

_**"VIIIIIIIIITAAAAAAAAAAS!"**_

Her hands came down on Azusa's head, the force of the impact snapping her ice skates and sending her down to her knees as a wide spider's web of cracks spread out fifteen feet the impact zone. Staring down at the broken ice skate blades, Azusa grabbed one of them with her good hand, and let out a bestial yell as she threw everything she had into driving the blade into Akane's chest. The blade went in, and she grinned broadly as blood began to seep out around it.

"Akane!" Ryoga yelled in horror as the other spectators gasped and cried out.

Panting, Azusa grinned savagely, before Akane suddenly punched her in the eye, and ground her fist against it. "What did I tell you…?"

Drawing her fist back, Akane yelled out as she swung. "THERE'S NO WAY I'D LOSE…TO A PATHETIC WOMAN LIKE YOU!"

The connecting blow sent Azusa spinning through the air before crashing onto the ice, her hard landing actually scouring the ice and lining away to the concrete underneath. Panting heavily, Akane walked over to Azusa and ripped open the front of her dress, to remove the key for P-Chan's collar.

"That…that's for ruining figure skating for me…you…you selfish bitch. If you love him so much, then actually show it." She growled at her before falling over herself. God damn it, what the Hell was wrong with people? Her vision beginning to blur, she looked towards the battle escalating between Ranma and Mikado.

"Ranma…it's all you now." She whispered as she clutched the key in her hand. "…I've won my battle…now win y-yours…"

Ryoga had just managed to scramble over to her, as she lost consciousness, still holding the key in an iron grip. "Akane…you…"

He knelt by her, and then scooped her up into his arms as he looked over towards Ranma and Mikado's ongoing struggle. "Akane…you actually…"

He hugged her to him, and smiled. "Thank you so much, Akane…"

* * *

Mikado rolled over and sprang up to his feet, narrowly avoiding a punch from Ranma. Staggering but getting back onto his feet, he faced his opponent before glancing over to where Azusa was now lying. "Azusa!"

Turning back to Ranma, he could not maintain his composure, and lost it as he continued to stare at his smirking opponent. "What the Hell is wrong with you?"

Mikado looked around the rink wildly and then back at Ranma. "Look at what you've done to the rink, to me, all over a stupid girl!"

"You're blaming me?" Ranma asked. "The reason I'm kicking your ass and the reason you're losing is because you're an asshole that tries to kiss another guy's girl right in front of him!"

Ranma slammed his hand on his chest, glaring at Mikado. "I'm not some pussy-ass who's going to stand around and watch that happen! This isn't some Netorare bullshit! Now get your ass over here so I can beat some respect into you!"

Mikado completely lost it. "You beat me? Fuck that, and FUCK YOU!"

Striking a stance, he suddenly began spinning incredibly fast, and then faster. As Ranma watched, Mikado's rotation continued to accelerate, the force drawing in the wind towards him and creating a tall vortex over him…until he finally came to a stop on the ice, surrounded by a barrier of wind.

On the sidelines, the hockey players could not believe what they were seeing, as Ryoga managed to haul Akane over. "No way…is that really Mikado out there?"

Ryoga stared at the figure skater, and the wind swirling around him. "What the Hell is that?"

"That's Mikado's strongest solo technique, the Dance of Death! But it's different…he's moving so much faster now!" Another player answered.

Ryoga blinked. "What are you talking about? He's not moving at all!"

"Oh, he's still moving alright, just you watch." As he spoke, Ranma snorted and sized up this new trick of his opponent's. Ranma could see it just fine. He was still spinning, just so fast that he created the illusion that he wasn't. One false move and it'd be like diving straight into a blender of punches and kicks that could go on for a long time.

"I am Kolkhoz's greatest athlete!" Mikado boldly proclaimed. "Even if you defeated Tatewaki Kuno, even if you are ridiculously strong…you will not defeat me! Now come on you son of a bitch!"

Ranma prepared himself as Mikado pushed forward towards him and before he knew it, his entire world was in a wild spin and Mikado's blows were coming from all directions. Everyone on the sidelines stared in amazement as Ranma suddenly began whipping around the stationary Mikado.

Like a rocket, Ranma was shot straight from the calamity known as the Dance of Death. Hitting the ice in a crumpled heap, he growled darkly and pushed himself up to his feet as Mikado slipped his hands inside his pockets and smiled. He was still spinning, even faster now. Ranma had to admit, that was one hell of a technique. Unlike Akane, he was even more interested in figure skating and the prospect of fighting on the ice.

He looked over towards Akane and Ryoga, and then towards Mikado. "For all your womanizing you don't seem to care about your partner!"

With a snort, Mikado began skating towards Ranma slowly with his eyes closed. Despite appearing to be heading in a straight line, his ice skates left circular carvings in the ice. "Why should I? I've been waiting a long time for someone to put that spoiled brat in her place!"

"That's a callous way to think!" Ranma shot back.

Mikado opened his eyes. "What is a partner if she can't hold her own in a fight? She wasn't even that good of a kiss."

That incensed Ranma. "Is that the value of a person you're supposed to trust and have trust in you!"

"Why does that matter to an amateur like you?" Mikado asked back. He then smirked as Ranma planted his feet and then launched himself straight for him. Faster than anyone could see, he punched, kicked, chopped, and kneed, but to his surprise he hit nothing but air. "What!"

To the spectators, it was simply as amazing, Ranma straight out disappeared upon coming in contact with Mikado, save for the brief flicker of his image between his movements around the stationary Mikado. To their amazement, a bruise appeared on Mikado's face, then another, another, and then a new cut through his sweater and the flannel shirt underneath. One of his arms twisted in an odd direction, and a stream of blood splattered across the ice in a circle around him. Ryoga, still holding Akane, shook his head. Ranma wasn't just getting through that dance of death…he was kicking Mikado's ass.

"Do it Ranma, kick that womanizer's ass!" He stopped when he realized he let that slip. Was he really cheering on his mortal enemy?

Suddenly there was an explosion of wind as Mikado was suddenly uppercut and sent spinning through the air like an errant rocket. Grabbing him by the arm in midair, Ranma began to spin himself, whipping Mikado around faster and faster as they went into a ballistic arc over the ice. Ryoga didn't need to tell him twice!

"You don't deserve anyone who will put enough trust in you to throw her around the ice like you do…" He began as the ice began to come up fast. "…IF YOU'RE GOING TO JUST TREAT HER LIKE GARBAGE TO HER FACE!"

With titanic momentum, he swung Mikado into the ice. The impact outright destroyed the Plexiglas barriers and any intact ice remaining on the rink. The plume of ice, concrete, and steel thrown up by the explosion blasted a hole in the ceiling of the rink and sent everyone not knocked down by the force of the impact diving for cover.

As the dust cloud hung there, pieces of the ceiling dropping into it and onto the damaged ice, Ranma slowly walked out of it and over towards Akane, Ryoga, and Azusa. His ice skates were completely destroyed by the impact. Watching him approach, Ryoga set Akane back down on the ground and stood up. Ranma stared back at him, and then pointed at his chest before drawing a thumb to point at his own chest.

"You owe me for this shit, Charlotte, for real." He growled at him.

Ryoga just nodded. "Yeah, but don't think this changes anything, I still have a bone to pick with you."

"Take a good look around. You mess with me like this guy did, and you're gonna get it even worse." Ranma sat down on the ice, and looked over towards the clearing plume, and Mikado sticking out of the ground up to his waist legs first. "Fucking asshole…"

"Yeah…" Ryoga agreed as the paramedics arrived on the scene.

* * *

"Hello, Akane." Doctor Tofu's warm voice awoke Akane from her slumber. Her gaze focused on his smiling face as he called everyone over. "Everyone, she's waking up. I think the worst has passed now."

She looked around as Doctor Tofu quickly excused himself out another door and her Father, Kasumi, Nabiki, Genma (in Panda Form), Sayuri, and Yuka gathered around her bed in Tofu's clinic, all of them wearing relieved smiles on their faces…well except for Nabiki who seemed catatonic about something or other. Also present was Ranma, covered nearly head to toe in swathes of gauze and bandages.

"Oh Akane…!" Kasumi said as she caressed her little sister's hair. "You're going to be alright!"

"Of course I am. What happened? I had this awful dream that I was fighting martial arts figure skaters, and that we destroyed the ice rink, and Ryoga was P-Chan, and…" She stopped when everyone began looking around strangely.

"Except for uh…that last one…" Ranma said. "That wasn't a dream."

Akane stared at Ranma in disbelief, before the memories crept back to her. "…You mean all that stupid shit happened?"

Everyone nodded, and Soun spoke. "We're being pressed for the damages. Fortunately, Nabiki found a surprisingly large amount of money that will easily cover the costs to the rink."

Ah, that explained the horror on Nabiki's face. Since they beat the Golden Pair, she must've raked in a huge win, but lost it all due to the damages incurred. Ha, just like in a sitcom. She looked towards Ranma. "What happened to The Golden Pair?"

It was Sayuri who answered. "Akane, you and Ranma put them both in the ICU at the hospital! They're actually worried that Mikado Sanzenin may never walk again…if he wakes up from the coma he's in."

"Even if he does, his career as a figure skater is over, so is Shiratori's. You two utterly destroyed them out there." Yuka informed. "They might even ban Martial Arts Figure Skating after this, just like they did with Gymnastics Wrestling!"

"I hope they do." Akane grumbled. Ranma sighed in regret; at least there was still curling.

P-Chan hopped onto the bed, squealing happily. Smiling, she cuddled her errant pet to her and nuzzled him. "To think all of this trouble started over you. I'm not taking you anywhere ever again."

"It's for the best, I'm sure Nabiki and I will take good care of him." Kasumi said, and P-Chan went rigid in fright again.

Genma slapped Ranma hard on the back, causing him to nearly fall over. Whirling around, he stared at the sign produced by the Panda-Man. It read: "I'm proud of you, boy! You took everything I taught you about figure skating and dominated a better opponent. I couldn't have done it better myself!"

Everything he taught him? "Yeah, thanks Pop." He said with a clear edge of sarcasm. "I couldn't have done it without you."

He looked out a convenient window, up at the convenient twilight sky, and the convenient full moon floating in it before smiling. He could see his mother's smiling face in the sky overhead.

_"Thanks Mom, for teaching me how to skate."_ He thought. His eyes widening a little, his smile grew warmer as he remembered he had someone else to thank. _"And thank you, Brian Boitano. I never would've won it if it wasn't for you!"_

The face of Brian Boitano appeared next to his mother's, a gleam shining from his perfect teeth. Ranma swooned.

Irritated by the beeping of machines and the rhythmic hiss of a life support system, Mikado looked around the room and the first thing he felt was excruciating pain from his head to his extremities. Everything hurt, and he could barely move. Still, he was alive and that's what counted. He had really lost to that guy, but he couldn't blame him. After being hit that many times during his own attack, he deserved to lose.

"F-Five hundred…eighteen times…" He managed to utter. Still though, that was one Hell of a fight. That guy, Ranma, he brought out something in him he hadn't felt in a long, long time. The thrill of a knock-down, drag out fight with no holds barred, and not some elegant, rehearsed show. For all of the pain, it was pretty satisfying that he dished out as much as he took.

A surprised sound captured his attention, and he looked over to see Azusa awakening from where she was sleeping on a chair. Her arm was bound in a cast, and she was a mess of cuts and bruises all covered up by bandages like his. She was also wearing decidedly plain clothes. Wait, what?

Azusa stared at him. "Oh…you woke up." She sighed and then turned her gaze from him. "Little Azusa was worried."

"How long…have I been out?" He asked.

Azusa counted on her fingers, and then held them out all extended. "Five days, I've been waiting here every day and night."

Mikado blinked, much as it hurt to, and stared at her. "You have…?" Was she that helpless without him? "You're such an idiot."

Ranma's words cut deep into his thoughts just like that, when Azusa stiffened and looked away from him again. She looked as though she were ready to cry. A new emotion bubbled in the base of his skull, funny…he thought he'd buried his guilt years ago after the fiftieth or so kiss, why was it back now? He watched Azusa try to compose herself, and then it hit him.

Resting her hands on her lap, Azusa stared at the floor and sighed. Ever since the match, she'd been doing a lot of thinking, more than she was used to, more than she liked. She was pretty sure that she was going to start doing a lot of talking, and she was going to like it less.

"Can…can Azusa say something?" She said softly to him. Mikado blinked again despite the damn pain, and slowly nodded…which hurt infinitely more.

Azusa smiled. "Well, I…"

It turned out; she really liked what she said. More importantly, Mikado liked it more.

* * *

A/N: The theme song for Chapter's one through ten is GO! by Flow.


	10. Mock Battle

Disclaimer: Oh my God, it's a Genuine Story Arc!

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
The Third Sino-Japanese War 1: Mock Battle

_Don't eat the Moo Goo Gai Pan._

**[10.]**

It took Akane only a total of a month and a half to fully recover from her injuries thanks to the magic fingers of Doctor Tofu. In that time, a grossly incompetent Immigrations Officer was fired from her job and scores of visas handed out during her period of employment were revoked and hundreds of foreigners living in the country on said visas were immediately rounded up then arrested and/or deported including a Molmolese Princess with an exotic pet, a pair of penniless nerds and their Sony-built robot girl, Bob Sapp, Wayne motherfucking Brady, and half of Okinawa.

The scandal involved in the hiring of one Mihoshi Kuramitsu, who was found to be an illegal alien herself (and how!), created a nationwide scandal that saw a complete liquidation of the entire organization and the not so honorable suicide of the Bureau Chief that took him and about three hundred unlucky bastards aboard the airliner with him straight into the next life. It wasn't all bad; one of the survivors of the crash would go on to become a major in Japan's secret cyborg internet police of the future.

Thanks to that poorly set series of shout-outs, Akane and Ranma managed to avoid the wrath of one very volatile instance of Shampoo immediately following the end of the Golden Pair fight thanks to the timely efforts of Japan's reorganized Immigration Bureau, which had promptly snatched her up and put her on the next boat back to China–heavily sedated. However, there were other problems that needed to be addressed, and it was one in particular that greeted Ranma as he walked into the kitchen that would render the efforts of the Immigration Bureau moot.

"Don't tell me we're having takeout again." He lamented as he saw Kasumi poring over the menus laid out before her.

Kasumi looked up and gave him an apologetic smile. Financially, things were tight for the Tendo dojo thanks to the destruction of the ice rink, and while paradoxically ordering takeout would seem like the last thing one strapped for cash would do, it was actually cheaper than buying the quality (and quantity) of food meant to feed four Tendos plus two Saotomes.

"I'm afraid so, until there's a good sale or our income rebounds it'll be takeout." She lamented. Ranma felt kind of bad, well he felt a lot of bad, and not because he'd be stuffing his face with takeout tonight instead of her wonderful cooking. The fight and its devastation was his fault, and now everyone was paying for it.

Sighing, Ranma sat down and looked at the menus. "Man, this is so lame. I wish there was someway I could help out money-wise."

Kasumi picked up a particular menu and examined it; a new place had opened up, the Cat Café, as it was advertised across the front of it. Unaware of the ominous implications contained within, she began to check out the items. That it was fairly new gave Kasumi an idea. "You know, Ranma-kun, you could ask if any of these places are hiring for part-timer work."

That was not a bad idea at all. Sitting up, he looked over to Kasumi and said as much. "Thanks, Kasumi! Why didn't I think of that sooner?"

"Because you're inherently self-centered and lack common sense?" She asked lightly. If it weren't for the fact that it was Kasumi who just said that, he'd be offended.

"You can be pretty snippy for a woman from Stepford." Ranma replied, surprising Kasumi. Who would've thought that someone like him would've seen that movie? She smiled.

"I had no idea your tastes in film were so foreign." She admitted, to which Ranma grinned.

He picked up the Cat Café menu. Despite the twinge of fear he got from scanning the cover, he was still warm to the idea. "Get a job, huh?"

* * *

Happy to no longer need crutches and be free of the bandages and casts that swathed her body during her recovery, Akane was more than happy to accompany Ranma out on his job hunt. A month and a half from being first bedridden and doted over for days to being too sore and irritated by her healing injuries to so much as steal a kiss had her eager for some alone time with Ranma. She brought the subject up as they walked along towards their destination.

"It's nice to have some privacy, you know." She mused to him. "The last month has had me crawling up a wall."

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, I know." He then struck a pose as he walked. "You've gone so long without this hard body. I'd be half-crazy too."

Akane jabbed him in the side, and he hopped away chuckling. "I really mean it, though." She insisted. "I mean I would like, for once, to spend an entire night with you. No you sneaking into my room, or having to be quiet when we do it or having to settle with getting pounded under a bridge like a Yoshiwara whore."

The very thought made Ranma blush as he looked at Akane. "We never did that!"

Akane stopped, and blushed herself. "We didn't? Well…ahem…" She coughed and spoke loudly. "The point is!" Her tone softened. "I'd like to go to sleep and wake up in your arms…"

"Well…" Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, maybe if I start making enough money with a job, we could, you know…get a hotel for a few nights or whatever."

He looked at her closely as she brightened up at the notion, before adding. "If you got a job too, we could probably get a cheap apartment or something."

An apartment, the very thought of such independence excited and frightened Akane at the same time. Sayuri and Yuka lived on their own as roommates, what with the former's parents living overseas and the latter estranged from her mother due to a stepfather she didn't get along with. While they were supported by Sayuri's parents for the necessities, they were on their own for nearly everything else. She envied them for having all of that freedom, but was confident she didn't know the first thing about living on her own.

"No, no…it'd be no good." Akane said. "If we moved out, we wouldn't even know what to do. I mean, I don't even know how to cook."

Ranma hummed. "You don't?"

Akane proceeded to make the understatement of the century. "Well, I'm not very good at it."

They reached the Cat Café and the conversation was shelved for another time. The entrance of the building along intimidated Ranma something fierce, just the sign alone invoked memories that Ranma didn't want to tread down. "H-here we are…"

Akane rolled her eyes. "Relax Ranma, this is a Chinese restaurant, the only cats you're going to find are in the Moo Goo Gai Pan."

"That's an urban legend!" Ranma exclaimed, suddenly afraid of Moo Goo Gai Pan now.

"Nuh-uh…" The two walked inside, and cats were suddenly the very bottom of his list of immediate concerns. As soon as they were past the threshold, they were greeted by the bouncy, bubbly, and all-around amicable Shampoo.

"Nihao, and welcome to Cat Café!" She said as she walked over with a tray held to her chest. "I am server, Shampoo, table for two?"

Ranma, frozen in abject horror, blurted it out without thinking. "Oh my God!"

Akane stared at Shampoo, and then looked at Ranma, horrified. No way, was that really her? Oh shit, this was bad, if she recognized him…

As she pondered the scope of the disaster that would follow (oh she had no idea), Shampoo blinked in confusion. Ranma quickly, albeit clumsily, recovered. "I-I mean…you're from that village…J-Joketsuzoku!"

Akane whipped her attention from Shampoo as Ranma sputtered and panicked, back to her lover in disbelief. There was no way she was going to fall for that shit…

"Do I know you?" She gave him a closer look. Pigtail, blue eyes, and that face…it all looked familiar, almost too familiar.

As he fell under further scrutiny, he quickly fell upon the tried and true tactic of gross flattery. "N-no, but you're Shampoo, the strongest warrior in the village! I heard about you w-while backpacking through Ch-China! I heard that you were a looker, but I had no idea you were this gorgeous."

Mission accomplished. Shampoo's eyes grew wide in surprise and she giggled bashfully. "Oh, you hear of Shampoo? Stop, oh stop you making Shampoo blush!"

Ranma laughed and scratched the back of his head. Akane looked to Ranma, and inwardly gave him credit for deflecting a possible disaster. However, it hadn't occurred to her yet that running for their lives anyway would be the best possible course of action. Shampoo was talking.

"So, would you like table or booth?" She asked.

Ranma shook his head. "Uh, no…actually I'm looking for a job. I've got uh…bills to help pay and stuff."

Shampoo stopped and looked at Ranma as though she'd just gotten an early birthday present. "You want job? You hired!"

"J-just like that?" Ranma asked.

Akane looked over to him with a smirk. "Smooth, Ranma, real smooth."

"Well, if I was manager that what I say." Shampoo clarified with a suggestive smile towards Ranma. "Cat Café could use real man, you know, current one not good enough."

A young man's sneeze sounded from the back, followed by harsh Chinese from an older woman. Hearing it, Shampoo herself called towards the older woman in their native tongue, and a conversation ensued. Once finished, Shampoo turned to face the interviewee and his girlfriend. "Great Grandma be here really soon. Take seat? Offer you drink while waiting?"

"Uh yeah, can we have two sodas please?" Ranma asked as he and Akane sat down. With a smile, Shampoo headed off to fetch the drinks. Once served and the Amazon had headed to the back to help with the cooking, Ranma turned to face Akane.

She took a sip from her drink with a wry look pointed straight at him. "She's taken to you quickly."

"Hey, it's better than her trying to kill me with extreme prejudice." He grumbled. Akane couldn't help but agree.

"I can't believe it, that's really her isn't it?" Ranma nodded in reply. "Christ, she came all this way to find you I bet. You said she's never seen you as a guy, right?" Again, Ranma nodded. "Well, as long as you remain a guy she won't try to kill you…I hope."

"Yeah…" Ranma then stopped and stared nervously at his drink. Without hesitation he grabbed it and chugged it down as Akane did the same with hers. They would take no freaking chances here! By the time both slammed down their glasses, they were greeted by a very short, very old woman carrying around a staff.

"Hello, I am Cologne, proprietor of this establishment." She introduced herself in much better Japanese (English if you're reading this dubbed) than her granddaughter. She bowed to both and then turned to Ranma. "You are here for a job, yes young man?"

"Yes!" Ranma replied, as with Akane failing to realize the trouble he was getting into by staying here longer than he has to. "Whatever you need me to do, I'm the strongest, fastest guy in town after all."

Cologne chuckled. "I heard that boast from the last job-seeker who came here."

"Well he's a damn liar because he's not me." Ranma pointed a thumb at himself. Akane rolled her eyes, and Cologne laughed again.

"Oh, so you are a cocky young man, I see. Then let us see you back up your mouth with a trial." She called back. "Shampoo, come here please."

Ranma smiled. A trial she said? This'll be easy. "All right, what is this trial?"

"You must make a delivery." Cologne replied as she produced a receipt from her sleeve and then pointed over to the bag of food waiting on the table. "You must make it as quickly as possible, and get the food to the customer intact."

Ranma checked the receipt, which listed an address in Minato. Hey, he knew where that was! "Sure, sounds easy…but what's the catch?"

Shampoo walked in, with a bicycle loaded with an order as well. Cologne's smile was full of mischief. "You must beat my Granddaughter to the address, and deliver your food first. If you can do that, I will make you a delivery boy."

Hearing that got Shampoo excited, she looked over to Ranma. "Just because I want you to work here, don't mean I go easy."

"I'd rather you didn't, I like a fair fight." Ranma replied with a grin.

Shampoo climbed onto her bike and kicked up the stand. "Just try keep up, last new hire didn't make it to address, got lost."

Cologne shook her head. "Which still baffles me to this day, how does someone get lost delivering to an address straight down the street?"

Both Ranma and Akane looked at each other and resisted a laugh. Cologne clapped her hands together. "Chop-chop, that food isn't going to deliver itself!"

"Yes Great Grandma!" Like a rifle bullet, Shampoo was out of the restaurant, her speed causing Ranma to nearly stumble back. Far from intimidated, Ranma grinned and rushed out himself. This was going to be fun.

As the two left, Akane looked over to Cologne, who looked back up at her as she asked. "You wouldn't happen to need waitresses, would you?"

"Of course dear, would you like to fill out an application?" Cologne asked.

* * *

A pedestrian trying to get into his car, a van making a turn, a few cars waiting at a stoplight, and a woman on a yellow Vespa were sent hurtling through the air as Shampoo raced down the street on her bicycle, oblivious to the destruction she wrought. She rode clean through a brick wall, and ran over a pervert attempting to rape a woman in her yard before plowing through another wall to get back onto a street.

"I make good time." She said as she checked a GPS with one hand, her distraction from the road causing her to miss the sports car she cut in half riding through it. "Poor new hire, no way he beat me."

She looked ahead, and saw to her surprise Ranma already way ahead of her, hopping from rooftop to rooftop with his bag of food safe in hand. Looking back, he waved to her before he sped up, opening the distance considerably. Shampoo smiled and licked her lips. "Oh he fast…I like."

Picking up speed, she rode up and over another hapless pedestrian to launch herself up onto the top of a telephone pole. Landing on just the front tire with the precision even the best X-Games cyclist couldn't even dream of, Shampoo leaped off it and onto another roof, landing right next to Ranma. "Nihao!"

Ranma looked over to her, not at all surprised that she could catch up so easily. "Hey, about time you caught up."

"I like guy with style and substance, after get job, you go out with me?" She wasted no time with subtlety, it seemed. Ranma glanced ahead; he was running out of roof.

"I'd love to, but I'm spoken for!" He reached the end of the roof and sprung off it as Shampoo went over it and crashed bike first through the side of another building. Landing on the rooftop, Ranma vaulted, flipped, and scrambled over the obstacles littered across it before jumping again and landing on a power line. "Huh…this should take me straight to Minato."

He turned and began running along it, careful to jump over the towers that connected the lengths of line. There was no sign of Shampoo, and that bothered him rather than relieved her. Where was she?

"You just big show off." Her voice nearly made him take a fall, he whirled about to stare at him, she was riding on the wire adjacent to his, feet up on the handlebars as she recalculated her route on her GPS. Who the deuce was SHE calling a showoff?

"So!" Shampoo called to him. "Is girl with you yours?"

Ranma grinned. "You bet! She's my fiancée!"

Shampoo put her feet back on the pedals after assessing her route and sighed dramatically. "The cute ones always taken, no fair."

She placed a hand over her eyes. "It so sad, I end life now, bye." She then leaned over and pitched off the wire, falling to the ground below. His eyes widening, Ranma did not hesitate to throw himself after her.

"Hey, wait!" He yelled, and in mid-fall he realized his error. Shampoo had landed on the back of a truck in a busy freeway, and was waving to him as it took her away at a high rate of speed. Landing on his feet, he watched her go and stomped his foot. "Clever girl…"

Wait a minute, she landed on a truck in a freeway, and he followed her, so… "Oh shit."

He didn't even bother to look back, instead opting to roll out of the way of the car that nearly ran him over. Getting up onto his feet, he jumped clear of another car, flailing his arms in a panic. On the second he planted his feet on the dotted line, doubled over, he snapped back and stood rigid like steel to avoid being clipped by the two trucks that passed him side by side.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" He yelled as he jumped over another car and the deranged bat-wielding youth on roller blades pursuing it. Landing, he timed it better and jumped again, landing on the roof of another truck and holding on as it sped down the road. That no one seemed to have been disrupted by the fact there was a human being in the road baffled him. Tokyo drivers were insane.

"That was close…" He muttered. "…But how am I gonna keep up with Shampoo?"

Spying some more power lines stretching over the side of the freeway, Ranma got an idea. "Yeah…that could work."

On the back of her truck, Shampoo was in the midst of checking her makeup at sixty miles per hour. The new hire sure was cute, but Shampoo's competitiveness would not be denied. A shame, it would've been nice to work alongside a slab of Kobe Beef like him. As she examined her eyeliner in her compact mirror, she noticed right in the corner the advancing shape of Ranma.

"He tenacious like D, I like him more." Shampoo mused. Oh, it would appear that he was going to try something exceptionally reckless. Sure enough, he struck, jumping onto the wire as the truck reached it, and causing it to stretch far out. "Why he do that?"

His feet and one hand on the wire, Ranma held on tightly as reached the apex of tension and snapped back, sending him back towards the road below. As it reached the end of its sag, he swung himself to the other side and grinned. "Three…two…one…"

The cable snapped the other way, firing Ranma like a missile off the Freeway and over rooftops and streets. "BANZAI!"

"Oh wow, holy shit." Shampoo said as he became a dot in the distance. Wait a minute, he was headed for… "Oh damn, he beat me!"

* * *

Ami Mizuno, high school student, Sailor Senshi, and part-time cameo, looked up with a start when something slammed into the side of her apartment. This was just what she needed, another idiot sneaking onto her balcony. Getting up, she walked over to the patio door and opened it, one hand on her phone to send a call to the Police. Instead, she was presented with an intact bag of food.

"Uh, hi, is this your order?" Ranma asked as he checked the receipt. Wow, that was a lot of food. He handed it to her.

Ami took it and her eyes widened. How did her delivery man end up on her balcony eight stories up? "Y-yes it is thank you…how did you end up on my balcony?"

Ranma grinned. "I'm a martial artist."

That didn't actually answer anything, but oh well. As she handed him the money, her weird day became weirder when Shampoo rode her bike up and over the side of the balcony, landing right alongside Ranma. "Nihao!"

Staring at the girl, and then peering over the side, Ami looked back. "Hello."

"Well, new hire, look like you win and get job." Shampoo turned to the baffled cameo and handed her the food she brought along. "Thank you for part helping train new hire. You get double food free."

"Oh! Oh…um…thank you." How did she get up here? How did both of them get up here? She really wanted to ask them. As she scrutinized Ranma, she stopped and recognized him. "Excuse me, have we met before?"

Ranma stopped and blinked as Shampoo did the same. "Huh?"

Ami nodded. "Yes, I have seen you before, or someone like you. Did you by chance go to 'You Can (Not) Leave'? Or by chance have a sister who went…?"

Oh crap, she was the girl who loaned him the Rei costume! Before she could press further, Ranma hopped up onto the balcony's edge and waved. "I don't have a sister, sorry! Anyway you're welcome. If you want good food for a great price and in record time, call the Cat Café!"

"Wait!" Ami cried as Ranma jumped away.

Shampoo grinned. He was a natural. "Wait for me new hire!"

To Ami's uninterrupted shock, the girl was gone too, pitching over the balcony and falling after Ranma multiple stories to land on another rooftop before both raced off from roof to roof back towards Nerima in the west. Standing there, as she finally managed to rein in her surprise; Ami looked down at the extra food and then turned to head inside. The girls were not going to believe this one.

* * *

"So, what does your benefits package look like?" Akane asked as she looked over the job application with Cologne, both enjoying cups of steaming hot tea.

"I offer dental insurance, and paid holiday for training journeys and rescue arcs." Cologne replied.

Oh, that was convenient. "What about the opportunity for raises?"

"Employee evaluation is every six months, depending on performance you can stand to gain anything from ten to fifty percent pay increase." The old crone answered.

"My, that's generous!" Akane exclaimed as she continued to fill out her form. A voice called from the back.

"You lying hag! You said you weren't going to give anyone raises!" Cologne sighed and got up from her chair to go into the back. "Hey, what are you doing–?"

Akane winced as the sound of repeated blows sounded. Cologne then spoke. "I said no raise for you, you worthless buffoon! Now shell that shrimp or I'll put you in the freezer!"

She returned and sat down. Addressing Akane's somewhat horrified stare, she explained herself. "That boy is an idiot. You understand, yes?"

"Ah…" Akane nodded. "Yeah, I know all about idiots."

At that moment a triumphant Shampoo walked her bike into the restaurant. "Hey Great Grandma, you hire new guy now, yes?"

Cologne looked over. "Oh, so he defeated you?"

Shampoo nodded, but she was not at all upset by the loss much. "Yeah, do job very quick make Shampoo so jealous. Big time tip grabber in making."

Ranma strolled in, his hands raised in victory. "Piece of cake, that's all!"

Getting up, Akane walked over to him, smiling. "That's great!" She captured him in a hug. "I'm so happy for you darling. I signed up for a job here, too."

"Oh yeah?" When Akane nodded, Ranma grinned. "Cool!"

Cologne made her way over, smiling herself, especially at the pout Shampoo gave when Akane glomped onto Ranma. "Well done, new hire. Familiarize yourself with maps or buy yourself a GPS, you and your lovely fiancée start the day after tomorrow at nine am."

Ranma performed a salute as he looped his other arm around Akane's waist and led her to the door. "You got it, boss. We won't be late!"

* * *

They were about a block and a half away from the Cat Café, when the realization had finally hit. Akane had realized it first, screaming an expletive so vulgar that a passing old woman fainted right out. Ranma stared at Akane, flabbergasted, until it too hit him with the precision of Lockon Stratos' gunfire when plot depended on it.

"Oh God, how could I have been so stupid!" He groaned. "If I'm working at the same place as Shampoo, it's only a matter of time before she figures it out!"

Akane buried her face in her palm. "Just perfect, we were so focused on getting jobs that it didn't even occur. I'm such a dummy."

"We're both idiots." Ranma sighed. "Well, I'd better go back and tell the old lady that I can't work for her."

"I guess so, it's either that or you try to avoid getting splashed while Shampoo is around." Akane replied as they turned around. At that moment a car was coming up the street, and inside the car the driver took a sip of a soda he got from a fast-food restaurant.

"Diet soda? I HATE THAT SHIT! AHHHHHHH!" He yelled as he pitched it out the window, to hit Ranma square in the face.

To Akane's shock, the cup split open and Ranma was splashed. Now quite female, Ranma stared incredulously at the car as it kept going, before turning to Akane. "What the fuck?"

The fuck happened to come along in the form of Shampoo riding her bike towards them. After having gotten a good feeling about both Ranma and Akane, she had decided to spend the rest of her day hanging out with the two instead of hunting down her nemesis slash prey. "Hey New Hires wait up! I wanted to hang out with you guys!"

She screeched to a halt when she spotted Ranma in female form, as Akane froze in horror. Ranma's horror was less of the frozen and more of the uncontrolled trembling variety as Shampoo's expression evolved from bubbly and amicable to cold and murderous with a hint of psychotic glee as she acquired her long pursued prey. Dismounting from her bike, and setting down the kickstand, she turned to face her, and drew from out of nowhere a large, curved sword on the end of a rope.

"Ranma, you die now." She said.

The lyrics of an insert song from a popular anime came to mind.

_YOU GOT A PROBLEM NOW!_

* * *

A/N_: _Presenting the New and Improved Sino-Japanese War! Expect it to be a little different from before. Just a little!_  
_


	11. Skirmish

Disclaimer: How many sharks can we jump in one chapter?

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
The Third Sino-Japanese War 2: Skirmish

_Shampoo fans, get your popcorn ready!_

**[11.]**

Tossing the sword to herself, Shampoo caught it and pointed the tip at Ranma, who immediately stepped away from Akane. This was just what she needed, the crazy psychopath attacking her while Akane was around. "Akane get back."

Akane edged away. "Ranma, are you seriously going to fight her?"

"I don't have much choice!" She yelled as Shampoo suddenly charged, slashing with the sword. Three of the powerful blows were avoided with deft footwork, before Ranma shot a kick up to parry the blade. Shampoo suddenly hooked her leg over Ranma's and slammed it down and palm-thrust her hard, sending her tumbling head over heels to the street corner.

Stopping in a crouch, Ranma leaned back to avoid a falling stab and spun on her hands and feet when Shampoo performed an uppercut with the sword. Like a monkey, she jumped up from the diagonal slash she followed up with and landed on the side of the adjacent building. Shampoo snorted and threw the sword at Ranma, which missed and split the concrete on impact when she sprang away.

"Hold still." Shampoo commanded as she yanked the blade back to her and whipped it around to swing at Ranma. The blade swung in a wide arc, cleaving through a telephone pole and turning a parked coupe into a convertible before homing in on its target. Ranma jumped over the blade as it embedded deep into the side of the building.

Ranma sighed in relief after she landed on the sidewalk. "Now she's lost one…!" Her eyes flew wide and she jumped high to avoid a second blade on the end of another rope that went on to pierce a mailbox behind her. Landing atop the mailbox, she stared as Shampoo yanked herself towards the mailbox, recovering the other sword and raising it above her head. "Yeah she'd have a second sword!"

She performed a one-handed stand as the blade went through the mailbox, and then sprung away from it. She landed on her feet and kicked away a thrown blade before ducking the other. Suddenly Ranma was playing dodge the sword, pulling off four narrow saves as Shampoo tightened the distance to deliver a powerful headbutt that stopped her cold.

The sheer force of the blow stunned Ranma, what the Hell was this chick made out of? Gleaming steel at the corners of her vision urged her to duck and she did, leaning back to avoid a deadly cross slash. Falling back onto her hands, she sprang into a double kick with all her might, kicking Shampoo into an arc that saw her hit the ground headfirst.

Off to the sidelines, playing the role of the helpless observer, Akane stared at the aftermath of the skirmish. Shampoo lay still after quite a kick and quite a landing, but after Sanzenin and Shiratori, she was ready for anything. Sure enough, Shampoo raised her legs and jumped back up to her feet unaffected by any of the hits.

Ranma, back on her feet, bounced from one foot to the other. "You can take a hit better than you used to."

"You get better too. I'm still gonna skin your ass." Shampoo twirled a sword in her hand.

"We don't have to do this." Ranma tried to plead.

Shampoo snorted. "But we are already starting, don't try talk way out of this, whore!" Twirling the sword faster, she unleashed it like a saw blade straight for Ranma's shoulder, aiming to lop off an arm. When she avoided it, Shampoo yanked it back and swung the sword she had tossed behind her straight for Ranma's stomach. Years of non-stop martial arts training saved her life, as despite being unbalanced by her evasion, she threw herself clear of the sword.

"Ugh!" Landing on her side, Ranma rolled clear of the other sword, avoiding it and the trail of sparks created by the projectile. She narrowly avoided it on the return stroke, but was not nearly fast enough to avoid Shampoo swinging the other weapon to her throat. "Shit!"

Akane kicked the blade out of Shampoo's hand, and spun to apply a second kick to her face, driving her into the wall. Ranma snapped at her. "Idiot, don't get involved!"

"Like Hell I won't, that was almost your neck!" Akane yelled back as she got ready. "She's strong, Ranma, and she's not holding back at all."

Ranma got up. "You think I haven't realized that by now?"

Pulling herself out of the Shampoo-shaped hole in the wall, she stared at Akane and frowned. "New Hire, don't get in way, or I slice you up too, only warning."

In clear defiance, Akane glanced over to Ranma. "She can't take us both on."

"Damn it, listen to her. This is the only time she's going to let you walk, Akane." Ranma pressed.

Akane looked at Ranma, conveying a simple "No" to her. Sighing, Ranma got ready herself. Idiot girl was as stubborn as she was. "Fine, try to disarm her."

Shampoo grumbled. "Shame, Great Grandma liked you, too." She shrugged her shoulders. "Oh well, plenty fish in sea. Come get ass kicked, bitches."

Ranma started off. "Go!"

She reached Shampoo first, jumping into a crescent kick that Shampoo ducked under before she began slashing at her with strikes like a flowing river. As Ranma circled her, Akane attacked her flank and tried to get a kick in, only to be blocked by a raised arm and then kneed in the chest and chin. Snapping back around, she slashed at Ranma, keeping her at bay, before jumping onto the redhead's shoulders and kicking her away.

Akane lunged as Shampoo landed, only to have a punch strong-armed away, and then another before she narrowly avoided a rising slash from one sword and ducked under a horizontal blow. As she rolled underneath the latter strike she performed a back kick that Shampoo stopped with a knee. Tossing a sword into the air as Akane whirled around to face her, she performed an inverted palm strike with her vacant hand to Akane's gut before catching the blade and clobbering her on the head with the hilt.

Quick as a flash, she raised her arms to block the furious flying kick unleashed by Ranma right above Akane's head. Catching herself on Akane's back, she vaulted herself up and over Shampoo to land on her other side and draw her away from the momentarily incapacitated Tendo. Shampoo was right after her, the blades all but invisible to Ranma's eyes as she whirled towards her slicing through the air like a cybernetic ninja bent on carving everything Ranma into bite-size pieces. She had never seen anything like it, what incredible speed!

_"I can barely see them…!"_She narrowly avoided one blade, and felt the sting of the other slice across her arm. Ducking, she felt an edge lick her back, and lurched backward only to feel it graze her throat. The moment the blade passed, she lashed out a desperation blow, only for her punch to be stopped by the back of Shampoo's hand. The rope to the blade in her free hand wrapped around Ranma's free arm, and she rounded her, sending her stumbling before yanking back on the rope hard. The odd angle combined with Ranma's forward motion led to the inevitable dislocation of her shoulder.

"AHHHH!" Ranma shrieked as she groped at her arm, while Shampoo continued to pull it out of joint, a gleeful smile on her face.

"Oh, it hurt? No? I make it hurt more?" Shampoo pulled harder on the rope, and Ranma could hear her shoulder separating. She didn't scream this time, and Shampoo sighed. "No fun when no screaming."

She began to swing the other blade around her head. "You die now, okay?"

Ranma lowered herself to the ground further, and Shampoo blinked. "Don't try to duck."

Ranma looked back, grinning. She wasn't trying to duck the blade. Catching the grin, it was too late, and Shampoo caught a car to the face hurled at her by Akane. The rope going slack, Ranma got up and with a grimace reduced her dislocated shoulder with sickening pop; that was going to hurt for a while. Picking up the sword that had been lassoed around her arm, she drove it into the ground and snapped the blade. "Thanks…Akane…"

Panting, she rushed over to Ranma's side. "Ranma…we have to get the Hell out of here before…"

The wall adjacent suddenly exploded, and Shampoo emerged from it, again unharmed. Akane looked at the flattened car and destroyed wall, and then to Shampoo. A very real terror began to grip her. "Ranma…she's tough as the Golden Pair."

No, Ranma knew it, Shampoo was tougher than that. But how, where'd she get this kind of durability after she'd taken her down with an OHKO while in this form? Shampoo looked at the destroyed sword in her hand, and then at the second one Ranma had destroyed. She frowned.

"You break swords, cousin Shenhua give them as gift. Now I pissed off." She said as she walked towards them.

Ranma rolled her shoulder, the pain was negligible. "Akane, we gotta get around her defense, aim for a knockout blow." She whispered.

"Right…" Akane and Ranma split up, slowly circling around Shampoo as she continued a slow advance. Looking back and forth between her opponents, Shampoo sniffed haughtily.

"At least you no run away, I respecting that." She said as she adopted a loose stance. "Come get it."

Akane attacked first, flicker jabbing for Shampoo's face at blinding speed, only to be dodged or parried. As Shampoo blocked a blow, Akane kneed her in the stomach and received for her trouble an elbow to the chest that chained straight into a backhand to the face. As her first attacker was beaten back, Shampoo dodged an aerial punch and leaned back from the spin kick Ranma fired immediately after.

Counterattacking, she kicked Ranma in the stomach only to be blocked and have to block a pair of blazing quick punches in turn. Catching Ranma by the arm she dislocated, she twisted it before snapping a punch straight into her gut that lifted her off her feet and dropped her to the ground.

"Ugh! W-what the f-fuck…?" Ranma wheezed as she fell to her knees, coughing.

Before Shampoo could try a finishing blow, Akane came down like the wrath of heaven, swinging a slab of concrete on the end of an uprooted stop sign for Shampoo's head. The first swing missed, and then the second, but Akane succeeded in driving Shampoo back with consecutive attacks before Shampoo jabbed one finger into the makeshift club, blowing it apart and showering Akane with the ensuing shower of rocks and dust. Undeterred, Akane flipped the sign over and used the triangle face of the sign like a blade to attempt cutting the Amazon down.

"You move like slow motion." Shampoo taunted, as she casually evaded strike after strike from the weapon. "Get it? You too slow! Stop wasting my time!" She vaulted over the sign and kicked Akane in the face sending her tumbling to the ground alongside where Ranma was trying to get up.

Lying on her back, a bruise already forming where Shampoo's foot connected to her face, Akane looked at Ranma. "She's beating the shit out of us."

"Yeah…" Both of them got up, Shampoo seemed no worse for wear after their exchange. They couldn't land a hit on her? What sort of monster were they up against? That punch she landed felt like ten. "Avoid her punches…she can hit you more than once."

Akane got up and rubbed her face. "Then let's attack as fast as we can."

Both readied themselves and Shampoo cracked her knuckles. "Oh, you wanting go fast?" They disappeared from her view. "Oh, yeah that fast."

She ducked, and the image of Ranma performing a high kick appeared and faded. Standing upright, she leaned to the side and Akane appeared and faded, her arm extended in a punch. Suddenly she was a flurry of movement, dancing and swaying in one spot as she used her arms and legs to evade block the hits that both attempted to land on her.

The charade went on for less than ten seconds, before Shampoo raised her arms, blocking a punch and kick from Ranma and Akane respectively, grinding them to a halt. She suddenly disappeared, and Ranma was sent smashing into the side of a passing truck, knocking it over, while Akane was bounced off the side of a building across the street.

"H-how…?" Akane gasped in disbelief as her world remained a merciful blur; she didn't have to see Shampoo suddenly appear and axe kick her into the ground, bouncing her off it before catching her with a high roundhouse that smashed her into the wall of the second floor of the building she'd initially gone into.

As Akane fell out of the wall and towards the ground, Shampoo was already running up it to spring off into a somersault that she quickly snapped into a double kick, skipping Akane off the street like a stone and smashing her into and through the building back on the other side.

Shampoo landed on her feet and turned around to appraise her hard work. "Now for Ranma…"

Hauling herself out of the truck, as its stunned driver managed to scramble out of it and away from the melee, Ranma stared wide-eyed at Shampoo as she walked towards her. Now she wasn't even sure if she could pull this fight as a guy. Before, it was just a matter of outrunning or evading Shampoo whenever she attacked, so it really wasn't as big a deal. For the first time in her life, Ranma was actually beginning to fear for hers. It was time for the Saotome Secret Technique.

"You scared?" Shampoo asked. "Wanting run away? If you run, I not responsible for what happen to other New Hire."

Ranma froze, Shampoo was gone. At some point during her speaking, she had disappeared and completely rounded her; she could see the other girl's shadow behind her. Shampoo's arms wrapped around Ranma's middle and pulled her into an embrace. Still frozen, Ranma stared ahead in complete terror as Shampoo whispered into her ear.

"Don't worry, I make this quick." In another universe a flashing "A" Button appeared. Cursing Quick Time Events, the player trudging through this game mashed the button immediately on the prompt; no way was he going to watch his Ran-chan get disemboweled again!

Her hands shot up and grabbed Shampoo by the back of her neck just as she had gotten ready to dig her fingers into her ribcage and pry it open like a rusty cage. She then threw Shampoo over her shoulder and off the truck, sending her spilling onto the street. Looking down at the puncture wounds created by her nails, Ranma looked back up at Shampoo as she got up onto her feet.

"I need to get Akane out of here and run…" She searched for Akane as a shadow appeared over Shampoo. "…Where is…?"

_**"TANKER LORRY DA!"**_

Ranma stared as a fuel tanker truck landed on Shampoo and crushed her into the ground. Perched upon it, Akane began hammering machine-gun rapid blows into the tanker's side, the pressure change caused by her blows causing its contents to boil. Satisfied with the damage done, Akane jumped off it and tackled Ranma behind the truck as the tanker exploded with immense force, creating a BLEVE that could be seen from Tokyo Bay to Mount Fuji. As the blast cleared, a coughing Ranma sat up, with Akane still covering her body with her own.

"Jesus Christ, Akane…" She groaned as she rested her hand on the girl's head and rubbed it. "Thanks."

Akane looked up at her, panting, and kissed her before hugging her tightly. Nevermind that Ranma was in girl form now, she had just poured her all into that desperation move. "Oh God…I thought I was too late…"

Ranma embraced her back, and sighed. "It's okay Akane. It's okay."

The two of them got up and hobbled around the back of their makeshift blast shield to look at the funeral pyre for Shampoo. There was no way anyone could survive that inferno, even if you had the monstrous strength of ten Ryogas and a Ranma on top of that. With Akane still clutching her tightly, Ranma brought her hands up and clapped them together in a prayer.

She hadn't even finished it, when Akane's grip tightened on her and she began shaking uncontrollably. Ranma opened her eyes and looked to Akane, who was sporting the expression that reminded him of Alexis Murray's expression in the Jell-O scene of Jurassic Park. Turning to look at the fire was suddenly the last thing in the world she wanted to do, but she somehow managed it, and there was Shampoo walking out of the fire completely unscathed. Her fucking clothes weren't even singed.

"You pray for safe passage to next life, yes?" She asked coldly. She was holding something in her hands, now, and Ranma lost control of most of her faculties when she recognized them.

Smiling serenely, Shampoo raised a pair of grenade launchers, one a chain-fed automatic modified considerably to be fired one handed, and the other a twelve-chambered revolver. "Bye-bye."

More explosions immediately rocked the neighborhood, as Shampoo unloaded both weapons onto Ranma and Akane.

* * *

About three hours later, the door to the Tendo Dojo opened and Ranma (now male) and Akane crossed the threshold swathed in bandages. Akane looked like she'd just fought all of Vietnam and the Six Day War on the losing side, while Ranma was a mixture of relieved that they were still alive, furious that he had to (understandably) run away like a coward, and terrified that the Shampoo issue was still not resolved.

"She had a gun…guns…she fucking shot at us with that grenade launcher out of Parasite Eve 2…" Akane murmured as she numbly stepped out of her shoes. She'd come to expect a lot of things about living with Ranma after the first few fights, but being shot at by a deranged Chinese sociopath who could still style all over them both in hand to hand if she wanted to was far from one of them.

Ranma looked at Akane, and felt sick to his stomach. He couldn't even defend himself during that fight, how on Earth would he be able to protect Akane? He had to figure Shampoo out, and fast. If he didn't, they were both dead, and it was going to be entirely his fault.

"Akane…" He murmured as he embraced her tightly, allowing her to bury her face into his chest. "It's going to be okay, we're still alive, so we can still get better and beat her."

Holding tighter Akane tried to reinforce herself and nod, but she just didn't know right now. After a long, long embrace, they pulled away and walked towards the sitting room. Some tea, a chance to cool down, and everything would be good again. So of course, their disappointment was understandable when they found Shampoo sitting with Kasumi and a clearly distressed Genma in panda form.

"Oh, Ranma, you have a guest!" Kasumi said happily. "Genma brought her here."

Livid, Ranma grabbed the Panda and began throttling him. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU MORON!"

"She found me and followed me, honest!" The Panda-man's sign exclaimed.

Setting down her tea, Shampoo looked over to Ranma and smiled. Akane stood stone still behind her, trying to edge her way out of sight. "Hey new hire, not know you live here too."

Oh, good, she was cheerful and amicable again. However, it did nothing for Ranma's frayed nerves. "H-hey…S-Shampoo…"

Akane managed to get clear of the doorway, and flattened herself against the wall, on the verge of hyperventilation. Shampoo was all smiles. "I come looking for redhead whore, wanting cut her up like water buffalo." She gave Ranma careful scrutiny. "Have you seen her?"

Ranma shook her head repeatedly. "No! No!"

At that moment Ryoga strolled in and sat down with the group. Oh, how he'd waited for this day, to watch Ranma squirm and writhe in fear and anguish. "What are you talking about, Ranma? I'm sure you've seen her around lots of times."

Ranma turned around, and immediately grabbed Ryoga by his bandanna to yank him in close. "You son of a bitch…you tipped her off, didn't you?"

"What do you mean? Clearly she followed your pet Panda home." Ryoga said with a haughty tone.

Shampoo looked over and smirked. "If it not old new hire, you stay here too?"

"I'm a frequent visitor." Ryoga replied before he turned to Ranma. "Hey, that food I wasted because of my admittedly lackluster sense of direction was expensive, and there are other ways to pay than money."

Nabiki taught him that one. Ranma was past the point of anger, and was completely furious. "You idiot…you have no idea what she's capable of, do you?"

"Is she capable of making your life an unending nightmare of pain and misery? Then yes, I know full well what she's capable of." Ryoga replied with a growing smile. Ranma growled.

"When I'm done with this problem, Pumbaa, I'm kicking your ass up and down Japan from Hokkaido to Okinawa and back." Ranma growled. He looked back over to Shampoo, taking a sip of tea with one hand as she twirled a foot long combat knife in her other.

"You see Ranma? You no hiding her are you?" Shampoo tossed the knife to herself. "I like new hire, but that don't mean I no kill you too. Hell, I kill everyone in house if I no get Ranma, I no give fuck."

Ranma did a double-take when he saw Kasumi barely bat an eye at a Shampoo's promise–yes a promise, he was not taking anything this girl could say as anything less. Ryoga was standing behind Ranma with a bucket of water, grinning like an idiot. "Well, she came all this way for the girl; you'd better not disappoint her."

"You fucking cock…" Ranma stammered as Ryoga prepared to splash Ranma, only for both to be interrupted by Akane's scream after Shampoo threw the knife over her shoulder, through the wall, and barely missed her target's head.

"Other new hire still alive. I change that, yes?" Armed this time with her favored weapon, a pair of chúi, Shampoo turned around and threw it into the wall, smashing it and revealing Akane as she rolled clear of the weapon. Smiling, Shampoo raised the other one. "I like chúi, good heavy weapon, crush limbs, smash skull, and break bones good. How you like to die, because I can fuck you to death with both if you like, cunt!"

Wide-eyed Akane rolled out of the way of the giant mace and crawled past Shampoo and the jagged splinters the impact of the weapon created. Picking up the other chúi, Shampoo turned around and pursued her with a slow, methodical pace. Turning over to get back on her feet, Akane actually froze in the face of the psychopath's radiance, with one club raised over her head.

"I think I start with legs." She said as she swung down the weapon, only for it to be stopped cold by Ranma's bare hand. With all of his might and fury, Ranma imposed himself between Shampoo and Akane before either could react, and kicked Shampoo square in the face.

"DON'T YOU DARE LAY ANOTHER FINGER ON HER, YOU BITCH!" Ranma roared as the force of the blow sent Shampoo through every wall in the house and the one that surrounded it. As the dust settled, Ryoga, Genma, and Kasumi peered through the gaping hole in the wall and the several leading outside to where Shampoo laid unconscious in the middle of the street adjacent to the dojo.

Akane looked up at Ranma, shaking. "H-Holy shit…"

"Holy shit…" Ryoga murmured, baffled that Ranma had hit a girl so hard…and solely in defense of Akane no less.

"Holy shit." Genma's sign narrated.

"Holy shit." Kasumi added as well.

Everyone looked at her. "Ah…I'll go get some ice for her…"

"Fuck that!" Akane yelled in a panic. "Get rid of her! Cut her fucking throat while she's unconscious! This is our only chance!"

Ryoga looked at Akane, and then back at Shampoo. What happened that would have Akane so terrified? He stopped and looked at Ranma. "You dragged Akane into this, didn't you?"

Ranma punched him in the face, and picked up the knife Shampoo had thrown. A splash of kettle water was followed by Genma in human form grabbing and restraining his son. "You idiot, what do you think you're doing?"

"I'm going to kill her." Ranma said as he tried to break free.

"You can't do that!" Genma yelled. "After she came all this way for you, what do you think those psychos are going to do to you if they get wind you killed their Champion?"

"I don't care." Ranma replied as he tried to break free.

"I didn't raise you to kill a man while he's down, boy!" Technically he did, but…

"It's okay, it's a woman."

"What would your mother say if she found out?"

Ranma stopped and whirled around to face Genma. "Oh! Now you're going to invoke Mom on this! Hello! She tried to kill Akane, you know…the girl you're trying to make me _marry_!"

Genma did not back down. "I'm trying to make you realize that you're only making a bad situation worse! Get your bags, son, we're going to Korea! North Korea! She'd never find us there."

"That's your solution!" As Ranma yelled, Shampoo regained consciousness and stared at the sky in disbelief. "Run away to another country? Because let me tell you, Pop, it sure as hell worked in the first time around!"

"R-Ranma…" Akane murmured fearfully as Shampoo got up and shook her head, looking more surprised than anything else when she realized where she'd been thrown.

She went unheard over Genma's bellowing. "Think you fool, if the girl pursues us, then she won't go anywhere near the Tendos!"

"If I kill her, she won't go anywhere near them either." Ranma reasoned. Genma froze. "Now if you'll excuse me I've…" He turned around and stepped right into Shampoo's embrace. Immediately he dropped the knife and stared at her as she rose up on her toes and pressed her lips to his in a much, much better kiss than what Mikado had given but no less terrifying.

Genma fell pale; great, now he's really gone and done it. Akane tensed up, while Ryoga's jaw fell in disbelief. Shampoo kept kissing Ranma, and boy was it a Hell of a kiss, with little effort she not only relaxed him, but coaxed him into returning it with no small amount of tongue action. Watching the two kiss, Akane was losing her fear in favor of the one thing that always worked best with her no matter what the opponent, overwhelming rage.

Rising to her feet, she walked over towards the two, grabbed Shampoo, and drove her head first into the floor before picking her up and doing it again. Then she did it again, and again, and again, until Shampoo punched her away. Ranma stood there, every emotion under the sun.

"What just happened?" He asked.

Shampoo sat up, rubbed the back of her head, and said at Ranma. "I am yours now."

Oh God Damn it. Ryoga had a much more emotional reaction to this turn of events. "OH THAT'S BULLSHIT!"

Soun entered the scene, flanked by Nabiki. On entering the room and seeing chaos reign much like in the grim future of the fortieth millennium, Soun immediately demanded an explanation that Kasumi was all too happy to supply.

"Oh, Ranma's lover from China has come by." Kasumi explained.

Akane turned to Kasumi. "What do you mean lover? The bitch tried to kill us!"

"She's a jilted lover." Kasumi clarified.

"What…are you talking about?" Ranma asked, staring at Shampoo. Did…did he give her brain damage? Fortunately, because Shampoo's grasp of the local tongue was much better than what was originally expected, she was more than happy to explain.

"In village, there is rule. If outsider come beat warrior, there is one of two things must happen." Shampoo explained. "If outsider woman, warrior must hunt down and kill like dog."

"Uh huh…" Ryoga said. "So why are you suddenly in love with him?"

Shampoo nodded. "If outsider man, warrior must marry. Village pride demands it."

"Ah, so it's a fate worse than death." Ryoga said, to which Genma snickered. Soun, who'd been happily married, and tragically widowed, punched both in the head. Ranma had sat down, scratching his head at this new development. He was…engaged to Shampoo?

Akane, still angry, immediately stepped in. "Ryoga's right, that's bullshit!"

Shampoo looked to Akane. "Oh, you mad?"

"YES I MAD!" She pointed at Shampoo. "You're a fucking psycho!"

All of that fear converted cleanly to anger, with no excess waste left anywhere. Shampoo produced a book containing Joketsuzoku law, and held it up for Akane to read. "Get good look, it say so right here."

Ranma was still in a state of shellshock. Akane read the book, and her eyes widened. "What…? No! That's bullshit! It's bullshit! You're bullshit!"

"That must be the secret word, seeing how everyone's spazzing out." Nabiki said.

Akane turned to her. "Your commentary is unnecessary!"

"Look, I…I already have a fiancée!" Ranma gestured to Akane. "Remember? We talked about this!"

Shampoo hummed, gave it some thought, nodded her head from side to side, and said. "No big deal, I just kill other new hire and become only fiancée."

Akane's anger got the better of her. "You wanna try?"

Shampoo looked back at Akane as she cracked her knuckles. "I almost did last time, stupid whore."

Ranma got between them before they could go beyond posturing. "Nobody's killing anybody!"

Her face completely flushed in anger, Akane turned and stormed away. "I'm going outside!"

Ryoga turned to go after her. "Akane, wait…!" Picking up the tea kettle, Nabiki whipped it at the back of his head, knocking him down. "Ow!"

Ranma immediately rushed for the door after her. "Akane, wait!"

"Wait for Shampoo, I need to get a good knife!" Shampoo called before she was stopped by Nabiki. "Oh? What do you want?"

Nabiki smiled. "Hi, I'm a completely helpless teenage girl with very little martial arts ability. Yet I'm standing here in your face warning you that if I hear you say one more thing like that about my baby sister, you will live only long enough to regret it…and that could be a very long time."

Shampoo stared at Nabiki. "You have balls, you still pre-op?"

Nabiki's smile grew murderous. "Get out of my house, Little Miss Chinglish, or I'll Nanking your ass."

Still staring at Nabiki, Shampoo took a step back and narrowed her eyes. Turning around, she huffed. "No big deal, it only matter of when, not if."

She walked out of the dojo. Nabiki immediately fell flat on her ass, sighing in relief. Standing up for her baby sister was looking to be more and more dangerous every day; she really needed to stop giving into these sororal impulses of hers. Kasumi rested a hand on Nabiki's shoulder, and offered her a proud smile for driving off the girl. Nabiki rolled her eyes.

"Hey, I just needed her gone. Last thing we need is for me to spend more money on repairs to the house." Nabiki tried to cover herself. Of course Kasumi saw right through it.

* * *

Outside, Akane stared down at the ground by the dojo as Ranma walked over to her. Without asking or even saying anything he pulled her over into a tight hug. Akane sighed as she found solace in his embrace. He was right, they were still alive, but now this had gone from them vs. idiots to them vs. something entirely different. They needed to become stronger, if they were going to be able to overcome this threat.

"Thank you, for saving me before." She said. "I'm sorry…because of me, now you're…"

He rested his forehead against hers after tilting her chin up. "Nah, it's my fault you dummy. I got you involved when I should've grabbed you and ran."

Akane sighed. "But now she's going to chase you to the ends of the Earth no matter what. She's never going to stop, no matter who gets in the way unless…unless we, I don't know, kill her or get someone else to beat her up."

She gave it some thought. "Maybe we could get Ryoga to do it."

"Yeah, and give that idiot something else to blame me for." Ranma muttered. "After what he pulled today, I'm not even going to consider helping him get laid, even if it benefits me."

"Ranma…you're so stubborn." Akane whispered. He looked down at her without saying anything. "…I've got some money saved. Let's…let's disappear for a few days, I can get us a cheap hotel room, we can hide out there."

Ranma thought about it, and smiled before picking her up into his arms. "Sounds like a good idea. Let's get some clothes and do it."

Akane smiled, and nodded. "Alright."

As the two sprung off to Akane's room to prepare for departure, Shampoo watched from the roof of the dojo. Shampoo was not as dumb as say the Kunos or Hiroshi and Daisuke, she had it all figured out. He was cursed to turn into a girl, which meant he was a man all along.

"Same mission, different objective." Turning around, she headed for the Cat Café.

* * *

A/N: I wonder what she meant by that?


	12. Chemical Warfare

Disclaimer: Wham

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
The Third Sino-Japanese War 3: Chemical Warfare

_The oncoming atrocity _

**[12.]**

In all of Joketsuzoku's history, no woman who'd defeated a warrior of the village had ever made it far, so pursuing Ranma to the land of the Rising Sun was a daunting task, one that Shampoo had initially greeted with impressively single-minded determination. However, this was the age of the internet, and easy access to information even in a network as guarded as China's.

Armed with a Wi-Fi connection and a laptop earned in a trade, Shampoo did something typically prudent of the scheming girl, she looked up the country and what she'd have to prepare for in way of enemies that could get in her way. With her opponent in mind, she looked up the School of Indiscriminate Grappling. The first result led her to information on its Grand Master.

About thirty minutes later, a shaken Shampoo approached her Grandmother and demanded to be trained in the most advanced, powerful skills she possessed. Upon learning that the Grand Master and a particular scourge from her youth were indeed one and the same, Cologne did Shampoo one better. To defeat a student of that man's school, Shampoo would need more than powerful techniques and an invulnerable body, she would need to understand the mechanics of a cruel and merciless mindset, an unrestrained bloodlust, and above all a criminal's cunning. With that in mind, Cologne immediately put Shampoo on the first boat to Thailand to soak up the blood of its seedy underbelly.

Many of the other village leaders met Cologne's decision with skepticism if not outright alarm. They thought it foolish to send a warrior so young, ignorant of the outside world to a veritable nexus of lawlessness where a life could be brought and sold for a can of beer, where criminals the world over fought for control, where pirates roamed the high seas with impunity, and where death could come in the form of a junkie's knife, a mobster's bullet, or a maid's umbrella. After one week of no reply from their champion, the village was worried, after two the atmosphere grew to one of dread, and after six weeks many were ready to write off Shampoo as a lost cause, consumed by an unrelenting world when she returned.

She was unharmed.

She could speak Japanese and English as well as some Russian.

She could handle knives as deftly as any assassin, and also developed an affinity for firearms.

Cologne was pleased.

With these improvements, teaching Shampoo the rest in preparation for her journey to hunt down Ranma was easy. The breaking point Shampoo already had the basics of; after all she walked through walls easy enough. Training her with Chestnuts Roasting over an Open Fire was passed with similar difficulty, it would seem that someone in Thailand had taught her to kick or throw back live grenades before they exploded and that helped her reaction time. Only one technique proved difficult for Shampoo to master, but with confidence she had decided that it was something she could perfect when the time was right. Not long after she made this declaration, she set out for Japan…

…And then the Immigration Bureau sent her ass right back. With this minor setback, Cologne decided prudently that she would accompany Shampoo on her journey, both to give her cover, and to make use of the diplomatic immunity Cologne had picked up during her time through services to Japan. When asked about it, Cologne mentioned someone named Hongo, and fighting Nazis.

Smelling explosive residue and sensing the exertion of battle from her, Shampoo returned to the Cat Café, and Cologne looked to Shampoo from her perch behind the Cat Café's cash register.

"So that racket from earlier was you?" She asked. For the sake of this part, she and Cologne are speaking in Chinese.

Shampoo nodded. "The new hire's Ranma, he fell into the spring of the Drowned Girl."

Cologne paused, and then became wide-eyed. "Then that means…"

"I have to marry Ranma. You know the rule." Shampoo replied.

Oh dear. "Is that a fact, what about his fiancée?"

Shampoo knew how to take care of that. "Where do you keep the Formula Number 411?"

Cologne chuckled. "Oh? You're going to make her a distant memory, I see?"

Shampoo sighed. "I am not in the mood for puns."

"Forget I said that, then." A rimshot sounded. "It's in the storage cabinet with your tools."

Leaning down, Shampoo kissed Cologne on the top of her head. "Thank you Great Grandma."

"Go with courage, dear child." Cologne said as she waved after her.

* * *

_"United States Air Force Officials in Okinawa are still searching for clues and leads days after a daring nighttime theft of a fighter aircraft and related equipment from Kadena Air Base…"_

Somewhere in Tokyo, several days later, Akane woke up feeling relaxed. A cacophony to her right had stirred her from slumber; it was the radio on the night stand next to the bed. She was in a modest hotel not too far from the Tendo Dojo, and she was not alone.

_"A spokesperson from the United States Air Force, speaking on conditions of anonymity, was reported saying that evidence left behind at the crime scene was non-existent and that whomever had performed the theft had been able to make off with an entire aircraft and thousands rounds of ammunition for its cannon."_

Next to her, his shoulder providing a comfortable pillow for her drowsy head, was Ranma still snoring away despite the radio and its increasing volume. The radio suddenly stopped registering with Akane too, as she watched him continue to sleep peacefully.

_"What has struck investigators as strangest is that the aircraft was not believed either flown or driven off from the base, but rather dragged away. American and Japanese counterterrorism experts have been called in, and while the American spokesperson says it is too early to begin casting blame, they hope to find the aircraft and the thieves responsible very soon."_

It had occurred to Akane, that she had never actually seen Ranma while he was asleep. Sure, she'd caught him dozing and on the verge of passing out plenty of times, but she'd never actually found him without his guard up, deep in slumber like he was now. It was nice to just watch him in this state, entirely at ease with no cares in the world

_"The aircraft stolen is known as the A-10 Thunderbolt II, a ground attack fighter affectionately known by enthusiasts as the 'Warthog' and built around a tank-destroying thirty millimeter cannon…and now onto sports…"_

Akane hit the snooze button and sat up carefully so as not to wake him. Despite the other day's frustrations, Akane found it worth getting this in return. She watched Ranma's eyes open, and focus on her, as he gave her a sleepy smile. "Good morning…'Kane…"

He reached up and rested a hand on her cheek, and she placed both of hers over it. "Good morning." When Ranma began caressing her face, she let out a happy sigh. His hand slipped from under hers, and then down her neck and over her chest. Closing her eyes, Akane sighed as he reached her breast and ran his palm over it. "Pervert…you know we should try going to school today."

Ranma squeezed, and Akane sighed. Licking his lips, he sat up and smiled to her. "How long before we gotta get to school?" He asked.

Akane licked her lips as she gave him an amorous look. "Long enough…" She let out a happy squeal when Ranma leaned forward and pinned her down. "Ah, darling…!"

Akane was enjoying this kind of freedom.

* * *

She was still glowing as she sat at her table for lunch later that day, much to Sayuri and Yuka's envy. "So where have you been?" The former asked Akane mischievously. "You and Ranma disappear for days, no one can find you, and then you come to school from a different direction…"

"You noticed?" Akane asked, her cheeks a cute red.

"Yes, among other things." Sayuri replied. They both knew about Akane's privacy desires. "You're the happiest we've seen you in over a month."

Akane beamed. "If you saw me the other day, you wouldn't have guessed. It sucked real badly."

"Really, what happened?" Sayuri stopped. "Wait a minute, you mean that fireball…?"

Akane sighed. "That was me."

Yuka gasped. "What happened, Akane? People think it was a terrorist attack! I mean, no one was hurt, but still…"

"I wish it were something like that. Ranma and I got into it with some of his excess baggage from China, a complete psychopath who wanted to kill his girl side until his male side kicked her in the face." Akane explained with no small deal of irritation at the recollection. Both her friends gaped, as Akane hit them with the shocker. "The worst part happened after Ranma knocked her out. She starts hugging all over him and declaring that she's going to marry him!"

"Are you for real?" Yuka asked. "That sounds like something out of an anime."

Sayuri shook her head. "How's Ranma taking it? He didn't…he didn't actually try to reciprocate or anything, did he?"

Akane recalled Ranma's eagerness to kill Shampoo at her insistence, and shook her head. "No, he doesn't like her either. I mean, she's crazier than Kodachi and easily much more dangerous. I had to throw a fuel truck at her, and she still got up."

It amazed both her friends how dangerous being in Akane's proximity was and yet they'd still gotten along unscathed. Sayuri patted Akane on the shoulder. "So what are you going to do about it? This sounds pretty serious…"

"There's not much we can do except train to be able to fight her off. Ranma's thinking about taking a training trip to the north, the Golden Pair got really tough by training in the cold, so we could probably benefit from the same." Akane explained. She liked the idea for more than just the training possibility, Ranma had suggested that they go alone, and she always wanted to go to Hokkaido for a vacation…

Both Sayuri and Yuka looked to one another with wry smiles, and leaned close. "How romantic, a training trip to Hokkaido, just the two of you!"

Akane blushed scarlet again and giggled, her hands covering her cheeks. Her reaction told her friends everything, and they were all soon in a fit of giggles. Across the room, Ranma was again accosted by Hiroshi and Daisuke, who appeared to be as gossipy as their female counterparts but much more informed.

"So, word on the street is that you're engaged to another woman." Ranma performed a spit-take the very moment Daisuke had announced that.

"Who told you that?" He yelled at him.

Hiroshi coughed. "It was that monster weirdo you fought a while ago, Hibiki. He's been going around telling everyone he could meet."

Ranma was going to murder him. "I'm not engaged to her, she says I am, but we're really not."

"Yeah, another hot girl who likes you and you want nothing to do with her while your close friends can't get even the homely chicks to look our way." Daisuke grumbled. "Who the Hell do you think you are, asshole?"

"A reasonable human being, for God's sake I'm not having this conversation with you two again." Ranma griped. Looking over, he could see Kuno advancing towards him, bokken drawn and all sorts of angry. "Damn it, don't tell me Ryoga told him, too!"

"SAOTOME, YOU CAD!" Yep, he did. "YOU DARE CONTINUE TO LURE MAIDENS BENEATH YOUR SWAY?"

Explaining his circumstances was going to be about as effective as telling the sun not to shine, but Ranma still held out hope for Kuno. "Look…" He ducked under a slash from the sword. "…Whatever you heard about me and Shampoo…" He parried another strike with his chopsticks. "…Is a lie." He kicked Kuno in the face, knocking him to the floor. Hope was dead.

He leaned over as Akane walked over, drawn by the scuffle. "I don't like Shampoo, okay? And as far as that engagement is concerned, I'm definitely not going with it."

Kuno rose to his feet and took Akane's hands in his own. "Fairest Akane, why subject yourself to this poor caricature of a man? Let him have the Chinese harlot, and you and I can be finally joined in glorious union!"

The only caricature in the room was currently him, Akane mused to herself as she slipped free of Kuno's grip and slammed his head into a table. "Don't touch me."

Ranma smirked. That's right; Akane was for his hands only. He still had to dodge another bokken strike, though. "Your defilement of Akane ends here, Saotome!"

The ease he avoided Kuno with irritated Ranma, it reminded him of the gulf he experienced between himself as a girl and Shampoo. After the one-shot he flattened her with, he was pretty sure that even with her toughness and speed he could easily defeat her provided he was male during the time. He just wasn't up to spec in his female body, even with Akane backing him up.

"Huh?" Ranma stopped when he realized that at some point during his internal lamentation, he had knocked Kuno flat on his back. "Oh, I did it again."

At least he was out of the–oh God, black rose petals everywhere. "PREPARE YOURSELF AKANE TENDO!"

Akane caught her ribbon in hand. "Useless."

Undeterred, Kodachi landed next to Ranma and hugged his arm. "Oh my beloved Ranma…"

"Hi Kodachi…how was physical therapy…?" He asked in a decidedly furious but trying not to flip out tone.

Akane grumbled as Kodachi continued on. "I've heard from a vagrant that you were in danger of being wed to an awful woman, a filthy Chinese!"

"Ryoga needs to keep his fucking mouth shut." Ranma growled, to which Akane agreed.

Kodachi went on, embracing Ranma entirely. "I pledge myself to you, I shall aid in defeating the vile–."

Akane grabbed Kodachi by her hair and started punching her in the face repeatedly.

* * *

As chaos consumed the lunchroom and a window shattered, Ryoga watched from a rooftop adjacent to the school with a sad sigh. It pained his heart to watch Akane suffer through this, but it was something he knew was right. Akane deserved so much better than a guy who could do nothing but get in trouble with women, and would drag her into his fights as a convenient second when he needed.

He hoped that bringing all of Ranma's troubles to the table would overwhelm that patience she seemed to possess, and then she could see for herself how unrepentantly chaotic living with him was. It would be then, and only then could he possibly hope to get close to her, and help her find happiness.

"Just you wait, Akane. When it's all over, you'll finally get everything you truly desire." He said quietly before he heard an incredible racket. Looking down, he spied Shampoo walking towards the school dragging a shipping container down the street on the end of a chain. He had been wondering what was taking her; he called her to come to the school hours ago. "Ah, she's here."

He continued to stare as she passed him; the container leaving a trail of sparks and scraped-off paint behind. "What is she going to do with that?"

The noise created by the container went unnoticed inside the cafeteria, as the impromptu melee between Ranma and Akane and the Kuno siblings continued to heat up. She poked the wall in front of her, blowing open a path large enough for her and the container, and entered the school's courtyard, and utterly stunning Ryoga.

"W-with just one finger…?" Ryoga didn't expect this. "She's strong…"

As Shampoo dropped the chain and climbed up to the top of the container to begin undoing its various locks, Hiroshi took a glance over it as Ranma traded blows with Kuno again. "Huh? What's going on out there?"

Ranma dodged a bokken slash that demolished a nearby table; he was irked now, today had started out so nicely too. Kuno glared down at him. "Perhaps you should surrender yourself to the foreign girl, and solve all of our problems together!"

He slashed at Ranma, who leaned back to avoid it. "Yeah, but if I did that…then you'd lose Pigtailed Girl, too!" He performed a flip away from a vertical slash.

"The Pigtailed Girl, what does she have to do with this?" Ranma had an idea, this was almost too perfect.

"Shampoo hates her," He said, "And she'll stop at nothing to kill her."

Kuno's eyes shot wide open. "You spew trickery!"

"No, in fact, she's the reason that she even came here. That big explosion the other day was from her trying to do her in. Ask Akane." He looked over towards Akane, who kicked up a table to block Kodachi's ribbon, which sliced cleanly through it.

She took a few steps back and looked to Kuno as Kodachi stopped to listen to the exchange. "He's right! Shampoo wants to kill the Pigtailed Girl and me too!"

"Uh, hey Ranma, she's here." Hiroshi finally managed to get in to the crowd. "She, uh, she's got a really big box with her."

In another part of the school, Nabiki came into classroom from a bathroom break and found her classmates gathered around the windows staring at something going on in the courtyard. "Huh?"

She walked over, and immediately stopped when she saw Shampoo ripping away the locks on the roof of the container. "What does she think she's doing?"

Ryoga had managed to make it over to another closer rooftop, and knelt down as Shampoo rounded the container and began attempting to lift the roof off. Inside the cafeteria, Ranma and Akane had joined everyone at the window. She had succeeded in lifting when they made it to the front of the group.

"That can't be good." Akane said as she looked to Ranma, he concurred wholeheartedly with a nod.

Shampoo got leverage on the roof and flipped it before hopping into the container. As the roof went up and over, it took a wall with it, and the others began to come down. In her classroom, Nabiki gripped the windowsill as her ironclad composure completely fell apart, replaced by a look of escalating apprehension. Ryoga fell on his ass, eyes bugged near out of his skull as he caught sight of it himself.

"What the Hell?" He gasped in disbelief.

Akane let out a terrified squeak. "That…that's a…it's a…" She turned to Ranma, pale as a sheet. "…She…she's going to…"

Ranma kept staring at Shampoo, his expression now not unlike stone.

"Hydraulic drive system…" Shampoo searched for a switch and flipped it, before pressing a button on the generator next to her. "There."

As the generator worked up to full power quickly, put on a pair of goggles and headphones before she hefted up the GAU-8 Avenger that she'd acquired a few days ago. The barrels quickly spinning up to incredible velocity, she aimed the immense weapon straight for the school cafeteria. Spotting Ranma, she waved to him.

"Try not to die, okay?" She asked.

Ranma looked back at Akane, even as other students were beginning to run away from the window in panic, he threw her over his shoulder and ran for the nearest door as the first of thousands of thirty millimeter tank destroying rounds sliced through the building in a deafening roar.

"AKANE!" Ryoga yelled as the cafeteria was quickly obscured with smoke and dust from the barrage of shells.

Even with her strength, the cannon fought Shampoo like a bucking bronco, trying to escape her grasp as she held it on target while the recoil pushed her backward. As the building the cafeteria was held inside began to collapse, she looked at the rest of the school and shrugged her shoulders. She had the cannon shells to spare, so why not?

Shampoo turned the barrel towards the rest of the school, the rounds gouging into and through its ground floor, passing with ease out the other side of the building regardless of what stood in their way. As with the cafeteria, the effects were almost immediate, and the whole of Furinkan High School began to destabilize.

"That crazy bitch…!" Nabiki screamed as the floor buckled and then gave from under her and every student in the school, sending them all screaming to the ground in a rising cloud of dust.

Parts of the school, despite the assault, managed to stand up after the first sweep…but that was fine by Shampoo as she swept the cannon back, tearing them down as well and reducing the entirety of Furinkan High School into a pile of pulverized concrete, shattered glass, and twisted steel.

* * *

Steam rising off the barrel and its drum spent, Shampoo dropped the weapon to the ground with a large thud and examined it. "Huh, never would have got the same performance out of 6-30. I buy American from now on."

She looked to the dense smoke that hung over the remains of the high school, and began walking towards it. That was as easy as she imagined it would be, Japanese buildings were definitely up to code for earthquakes and typhoons, not so much Anti-Tank weapons. As she entered the ruins, she appraised her handiwork with satisfaction: the school was destroyed, with piles of rubble easily twice her height surrounding her.

"Yes, I definitely buy American." She said as a shadowy figure hurtled through the dust at her from behind. Whirling around, she blocked the end of Ryoga's umbrella, the impact blasting away the dust immediately surrounding them. "Old new hire, what are you doing?"

The two break away from one another, Shampoo landing atop the back of a partially buried student as the feral vagrant adopted a fighting stance. "I will never forgive you!"

"Forgive Shampoo for what? You told Shampoo they here." Ryoga threw some bandannas at her, eschewing dialogue for an action sequence. Leaping over the bandannas, Shampoo landed and disappeared from Ryoga's sight.

"Where'd she…?" The side of Ryoga's head met Shampoo's leg under the worst circumstances, and he was sent crashing into a pile of rubble. Lowering her foot, she looked around for her quarry.

"Maybe I killed them." She lamented. "Well, I guess that fine too."

A new challenger appeared, Tatewaki Kuno live and unhurt. His bokken was pointed straight for her throat. "You…you are the one who would dare harm my Akane and Pigtailed Girl, destroy my school?"

Shampoo raised an eyebrow. "Who the Hell are you?"

Kuno took the bokken and raised it close to the side of his head, his eyes blazing with righteous fury. "I am Tatewaki Kuno, the defender of Akane Tendo's happiness!"

He immediately charged Shampoo. "Defend yourself!"

Shampoo did just that, almost casually avoiding his slashes with minimal effort, barely creating any space between her and the wild slashes as she moved about. With a furious grunt, he lunged forward to impale Shampoo's chest, only for the blade to be captured in her hand.

"You like that cunt? You must be real idiot." Shampoo said before she stepped inside his reach, still holding the bokken, and caressed his face with her free hand. "I real woman, see?"

She pressed her substantial breasts to Kuno's chest and naturally his ire fizzled out like the idiot he was. His consciousness fizzled shortly after, when Shampoo drilled about a hundred and two punches into his stomach in less than a second.

Breaking the wooden sword in her hand, she looked over towards where she was sure she'd expect Ranma. Sure enough, there he was, knocked out cold from the falling debris. There was no sign of Akane anywhere.

"Ah! There you is, still alive too." She almost reached him, when Kodachi's ribbon snatched around her throat. She looked back at the darkly themed young woman and her brow twitched. "You gay for Akane?"

She was, but was in great denial over it. "Hardly, I intend to protect my beloved Ranma."

Oh, so he had other female suitors too? Shampoo was going to give this one special treatment. Turning around to face Kodachi, she grabbed the ribbon in her hands and ripped it in half. Tossing the end of the length that remained on her neck over her shoulder like a scarf, she gestured for Kodachi to come at her.

Kodachi produced a club in her free hand as she began twirling her ribbons. She'd seen the speed in which her brother and that wanderer were dispatched. She would not fall so easily, on her side was agility, speed, and cunning. Quick as a flash, she threw the club at Shampoo, who swung to smash it away. On impact, however, it exploded into a cloud of paralysis agent.

"Ohohoho…it would seem you've fallen into my trap." She said as it cleared and Shampoo stood there, twitching from the effects of the agent. "You shouldn't even try to move, even if you built up immunity, the most you'd probably be able to move is one finger!"

She leaped and dove for Shampoo, preparing to slice through her with a single slash of her deadly ribbon. Shampoo looked at her descending opponent. "One finger all I need."

Three shotgun blasts roared, and Kodachi hit the ground, knocked out cold by beanbag rounds to the stomach, chin, and face. Shampoo lowered the automatic shotgun she had dispatched her with. "Who you think you talk to, whore?"

Turning around, she looked down at Ranma, and then grinned as she put away the shotgun in lieu of far more devastating weapons, a comb and a bottle of shampoo.

"You sit still now, okay?" And she descended upon her target.

* * *

Shampoo was either the best shot in the world, or the worst. On one hand, she leveled a high school using an automatic cannon and no one died. On the other hand, she leveled a high school using an automatic cannon and no one died. Injuries on the other hand were rife, and one of them was Nabiki as she was dug out from under the rubble about a half hour later by fellow students.

"Ow…ow…ow…" She stood up, and looked around. "What? Is everyone okay?"

Another student nodded. "Yeah, nobody's died, at least. But…" He looked away from Nabiki. She immediately got a bad feeling, and immediately knew where to look.

"What happened to Akane? Where is she?" She demanded as she pushed past him and looked around. "Akane!"

She stopped when she saw her sitting on the grass in front of the rubble pile with Ranma, near where Ryoga, Kuno, and Kodachi were beginning to recover. Relief washed over her as she rushed over, and in keeping with the rules of comedy and her own aloof nature, she strolled to a stop next to Akane and looked down at her and Ranma.

"I guess we'll be getting vacation a few weeks early this year. So it's not all bad." She said as she placed her arms akimbo. Akane didn't look up at her.

Ranma looked up at Nabiki. "Hey Nabiki, you're alright too." He sounded relieved as he looked back to Akane. "There's something wrong with her."

Akane stiffened when Ranma said that, and then bowed her head, her hands clenching into fists. Nabiki quickly looked between them both. "What? What is it?"

"She keeps saying I'm her fiancé, who is she?" He asked.

Nabiki went cold, and she looked back at Akane, and the tears dropping into her lap.

* * *

A/N: Boom.


	13. Defection

Disclaimer: Zap to the Extreme!

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
The Third Sino-Japanese War 4: Defection

_The fallout descends _

**[13.]**

_"Kasumi-chan, do you know what this is?" The mother of Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane Tendo asked her firstborn as she held up a strange bowl before the four year old girl's eyes. When she shook her head, the woman smiled and set it on the counter. "It's called a colander, a type of sieve. Cooks use it to separate solids from liquids. For example…"_

_Taking a can of mixed fruit, she placed the colander atop a bowl and poured the contents into the colander. Before the child's eyes, the syrup drained from beneath the sieve and into the bowl, while the fruit remained. Her mother explained to the wide-eyed child. "A colander is helpful if you need a part of something, but don't want to waste the rest, like the fruit."_

_Plucking a grape from the sieve, she popped it into her mouth before offering it to Kasumi, who grabbed a pineapple slice and ate it. As she watched her mother replace the colander, she tilted her head to one side and hummed. At the table behind them, two year old Nabiki spat out her pacifier, and began crying for some fruit as well. Sighing, their mother left to placate her, and Kasumi continued to stare._

_"…Sieve…"_

_Closing her eyes, the young Kasumi began to picture such a bowl in her mind. Fifteen years later, it was still there._

* * *

There was a frown on Kasumi's placid face, as she watched her youngest sister cry into her lap. Nabiki sat across the table from her, wearing a look she'd never seen her with…well…one she hadn't seen since their mother's funeral. It was a mixture of anger, sadness, and ultimately helplessness, things she'd promised never to show again appearing all at once as she listened to her sister sob. She couldn't even pretend to be aloof about it.

"That bitch…" She growled. To the outsider Nabiki's humanity towards her immediate family would be disconcerting.

Kasumi stroked Akane's hair, wishing she could somehow soothe her tears and make her smile again. However she knew she couldn't do that now and the only person who could do that now didn't even recognize her. He was sitting on the other side of the table, looking uncomfortable, confused, and guilty, like he'd done something terrible but couldn't understand what. Since they came home from school, all three sisters had tried their hand at resuscitating Ranma's memory, but nothing seemed to take at all. He even forgot Akane's name every time it was brought up.

What twisted the knife was that he remembered everyone and everything else, Shampoo had erased all of his memories of Akane, memories that spilled during her attempts to remind Ranma of who she was and what they had, and that both sisters had sworn themselves to not bring up.

On top of that, yes, it got worse, was that Ranma's memories of Shampoo had been changed too. He had accidentally wandered into her village and eaten her food, he had defeated her in a duel and earned a kiss as a result…but as far as he knew, he was a man when it happened, and everything after applied.

Despite everything Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane tried to tell him, he was engaged to Shampoo and she'd just come to Japan to be reunited with him. After back and forth insistences to the contrary, it had turned into a screaming match that ended with the scene as it was.

Kasumi looked back down at Akane, only to look back up as Ranma rose to his feet. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the Cat Café." He said nervously.

"Like Hell you are!" Nabiki yelled.

Kasumi sighed. "Nabiki-chan let him go."

Nabiki turned to her. "But…!"

Kasumi shook her head, and Nabiki began to steam. She knew her older sister was just being prudent, if they kept yelling at Ranma he was going to become alienated,. Inwardly Nabiki scoffed, look at her, getting worked up over this and Ranma wasn't even hers. Had she fallen so far out of character?

"This is bullshit." She growled.

Akane tried to ignore the exchange she just heard, gripping Kasumi's skirt in her hands. Looking down at the confusing girl, Ranma shrugged his shoulders and bowed to his hosts before departing. He didn't want to say anything that could upset them anymore than he already had. As soon as it was certain he was out of the house, Nabiki looked to Kasumi.

"What do we do?" She asked.

"Well, we would have to figure out what Shampoo did, first." Kasumi explained. "After that, it's a matter of hopefully trying to reverse it."

Akane's breath hitched. "I'll make her reverse it."

Kasumi shook her head. "No, I don't think this is something you can do."

She looked up at her older sister wide-eyed. "Why not?"

Because Shampoo was that much stronger, that much more ruthless than her or anyone they've ever met. Kasumi didn't want to say it, but the look both she and Nabiki gave Akane told her flat out that it was a hopeless endeavor. Her face contorting in frustration, she got up and wiped her face on her sleeve before running to the stairs. Kasumi looked to Nabiki.

"Someone must've seen what Shampoo did, could you find out? If so then Doctor Tofu might have a cure." She instructed.

Nabiki got up and nodded. "I'll dig up what I can."

She headed out the door. Kasumi watched her go, and then got up to go into the kitchen to get started on dinner. Father and Uncle Saotome would be home soon, and she'd need a clear head to explain to them both what happened today. As she went into the cupboard, she stopped when she saw the sieve sitting on the bottom shelf. She stared at it.

"Please, let there be a way to fix this." She whispered.

* * *

In the apartment above the Cat Café, Shampoo sighed as the filth and exertion from today's victory was washed away from her body. As she began to lather up her hair, it was easy for her to sense Cologne's presence outside the shower.

"When I told you my diplomatic immunity would protect you, I did not say you could steal the property of other countries and level buildings left and right." She chided her great granddaughter in their native tongue.

"You didn't say I couldn't." Shampoo argued back with a smile as she stood under the spray to wash out her hair.

Fair enough, if it weren't for the fact that Shampoo had accomplished her mission, she'd be instructing her on how exactly immunity and other tricky gray areas of international diplomacy worked. The last thing she wanted was for Shampoo to go abusing it and ending up just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2. "Aside from that, I wanted to congratulate you, child."

Shampoo pulled back the curtain to face Cologne directly. The old woman continued. "You've come quite a long way since your trial began, not only have you restored the pride of our village, but you have also become a fiercer warrior than even I thought possible."

"Thank you, Great Grandma." Shampoo's smile faded and Cologne noticed this.

"Is there something wrong, my child?" She asked.

Shampoo's smile disappeared completely. "I'm just a little uneasy."

"How do you mean?" Cologne asked.

Shampoo stepped out of the shower and began drying herself off. "I didn't want it to end like this."

Cologne chuckled. "You didn't plan for the journey to be so short, you say?"

"No, I didn't." Shampoo sighed. "I'd rather have to kill Ranma than have to marry him."

Having borne quite a number of girls in her time, and raised them all to see them start their own families, Cologne regarded Shampoo's uneasiness with sympathy. Situations such as these were actually quite rare, with the last outsider defeating a member of the village being over a decade ago. Shampoo had been defeated by a fantastically strong warrior and she had trained so eagerly to defeat her, only to find that she had been a man the whole time.

"Well it cannot be helped that he was always a man to begin with. You know the law." She reminded her. "It could be worse you know; Ranma could be as bad as Mousse."

With the towel wrapped around her body, Shampoo left the shower for her bedroom, Cologne right behind her. The subject of Mousse had reminded the former. "Oh shoot, I forgot about him."

"What do you…?" Cologne realized. "Oh, he's not aware that Ranma is to be your groom yet."

Shampoo began hurrying. "Make sure he don't find out." A loud crash and bang sounded from downstairs. Shampoo and Cologne both looked at each other, and uttered the Chinese equivalent of "Son of a fucking bitch".

* * *

Ominous music played as the Cat Café's phone rang off the hook. Reaching for it, Mousse picked up the phone and brought it up to his ear with dramatic flourish, his eyes fixed at the notepad on the countertop and the bag of chips next to it.

"This is the Cat Café, pickup or delivery?" He asked in a calm, intelligent monotone.

_"It's my first day taking orders at the Cat Café."_

"Pickup, alright, what will you be ordering?" He asked as he began writing on the notepad, first "Pickup".

_"My 'utter incompetence' at cooking and my 'insubordination' has banished me from the kitchen completely."_

"Teriyaki beef, a pair of large fried rice, beef lo mein, and what else was that?" He asked as he continued writing down the orders with dramatic, feverish strokes of the pen.

_"Here in the front, I can now gather my information without being bothered by Shampoo's worthless father and the others back there. However, there's still the matter of maintaining the illusion of being busy."_

Mousse looked at the phone, the light gleaming off his ridiculous glasses. "Do you mean the boneless spare ribs or the actual meat on the bone?" As he received his answer, he began scribbling out his latest writing and rewrote it.

_"I'll show you, you dried up mummy! With this palm PC I've purchased and the Wi-Fi spot across the street, I can appear to be just another busy drone dutifully going about while I perform my work."_

"Ah, I see, I apologize for that. So you want four teriyaki beef, two large fried rice, and two large beef lo mein, and boneless spare ribs." As he cradled the headset on his shoulder, he reached into the bag of chips and deftly maneuvered his fingertips across the screen of a touch-screen palm PC, scouring the internet with it.

_"I will take orders with my left hand, while with my right hand I'll collect my data!"_

His eyes darting about behind his glasses, he drew a single potato chip from the bag and with slow motion and Gregorian Chanting reaching a crescendo.

"_I'll take a potato chip, and eat it!"_

He bit into the chip, and then swore out loud and dropped the receiver as he'd inadvertently bit into his fingertips as well. "Ow! God damn it, son of a bitch!" He yelled out loud, before he heard a loud surprised "What did you say to me?" from the phone. Quickly grabbing it up, he tried damage control. "I-I'm sorry sir! I wasn't talking to you, I hurt my hand and–! Hello? Hello?"

Great, he lost another customer. The doorbell rang and Mousse looked up to see Ranma walking in looking kind of nervous.

_"Ranma Saotome_, _heir to the Saotome School of Indiscriminate Grappling and resident of the Tendo Dojo, which specializes in its own variation of Indiscriminate Grappling__."_ He thought to himself. So this was the fool, interesting. Anyway, it was time to play the affable fool. "Hello, you piece of shit."

Damn it, play the affable fool! Ranma stared at him. "What did you call me?"

Mousse coughed and then tried to cover his tracks. "Ah, Chinese first language, speak you language poorly."

Ranma nodded, yes he brought it! "Oh, hey uh, is Shampoo here?"

"Why?" He asked.

Ranma scratched the back of his head. "Well, she and I are going on a date. I'm her fiancé."

Mousse's already opaque glasses became downright shiny and reflective. Well, this was unexpected. "Oh? Is that so? I'm going to kill you now."

Staring at him, Ranma shook his head. "No, you don't want any of this."

Mousse was already descending upon him, his arms hidden inside his oversized sleeves as he attacked. The crash and thud that Shampoo and Cologne had heard was Ranma anticipating the strike and kicking Mousse into a wall.

"Oh, you meeting Mousse." Shampoo said as she emerged from the stairs. Ranma stared at his would-be attacker in surprise. He moved so fast to attack, why did he suddenly slow down to connect?

"Yeah, do you two have a history?" Ranma asked as Shampoo walked over and embraced him affectionately.

"He is a childhood friend and _only_ childhood friend." Shampoo glared at Mousse for extra emphasis.

Cologne entered the room. "The fool has been infatuated with Shampoo since a young age, ever since she first spurned his advances he's been failing miserably at currying her favor."

"He not understanding no means no, really obsessive." Shampoo said as she nuzzled Ranma's cheek. A strange compulsion to say "Oh really?" briefly overcame Ranma, but when he tried to wonder why, his head hurt until he forgot about it.

Shaking his head, Mousse brought a hand to his face and rubbed it. That hit was something else. _"Not surprising at all, he did beat Shampoo in a race."_

He adjusted his glasses, keeping them on his face. "I'm far from obsessed, just determined. I'll admit, I grew incensed just now, and I apologize for attempting to assault you."

Ranma shrugged his shoulders. Wow, this was the first time he'd ever have a guy apologize to him for throwing a punch. Now if only Kuno and Ryoga could be so accommodating "It's alright, I guess. Don't worry about it."

Mousse nodded to Ranma politely. "Thank you."

Cologne watched Mousse with surprise at his cowed behavior. She was more surprised when he spoke again. "So then, new hire, I suppose you and that girl from yesterday will be starting soon?"

Ranma stared at Mousse. "What girl from yesterday?" Behind him, Shampoo's expression became one of horrified anger. Noticing it, Mousse shook his head.

"No, nevermind, I must've been mistaken; you came here on your own didn't you?" He asked, to which Ranma nodded. "Nevermind, then, forget I asked."

_"I'm sure you've gotten quite good at that."_ He added as he observed the priceless look on Shampoo's face. She had done a real number on this one.

"Mousse, you stop pestering Shampoo and her fiancé and get to work!" Cologne admonished, waving her staff at him.

As Mousse retreated with a hurried nod and hid a devious smirk, Ranma looked over to Shampoo. "He's not all there, is he?"

She nodded assent. "No, I kick his ass into friend zone for a reason."

Ranma stared at Shampoo, briefly, and felt something off. He shrugged it off. "So! Want to get going? I was thinking we'd go see a movie or something."

"Ooh, you pay, or I pay?" Shampoo asked as she clung to his arm, walking with him to the door.

"I'll pay; a real man can take care of himself and his woman." Ranma's words elicited a squeal from Shampoo as they left the Cat Café. Back at his post, Mousse watched them go, his expression one of clear intrigue. Next to him, Cologne regarded the child with an understandable wariness. Something about Mousse had changed; he wasn't acting his normal self.

_"What has happened to you, Mousse?"_ She wondered.

Mousse glanced towards Cologne, his glasses hiding his eyes perfectly. _"You're curiosity is too loud, old ghoul."_

* * *

Akane's knuckles bled, leaving crimson dots on the wooden floor of the dojo as she stared directly at the few destroyed bricks, concrete slabs, and cinderblocks of the many that surrounded her. Wooden planks, broken weapons, and all manner of wrecked exercise equipment from dumbbells to dummies also littered the pile, a testament to Akane's fury and anguish vented through violence. There was no burn of exertion, though; all Akane felt was sick.

She stared down at the only bare part of the floor, the spot where she gave herself to Ranma and never looked back. Remembering that clumsy, thrilling, and ultimately deeply connecting first encounter only reignited the fearsome anger that she'd all but destroyed the dojo attempting to put out.

"I hate, I hate her so much." Despite all rage, she couldn't even punch the floor halfheartedly. She flopped forward, sobbing into the wood. "Give him back."

In the house, Soun and Genma stared at one another over the Shogi board, weighing their options over this new development. Both, especially Genma, had to hand it to Shampoo for being so decisive in her attack, but neither was going to tolerate it–especially as it put the joining of their schools in mortal jeopardy.

"He remembers everything else but Akane." Soun said, his face a stoic mask hiding the emotion that had gripped him for the last twelve hours. "Nabiki is out looking for clues but…Saotome, I think this might be serious."

Not too serious, Genma hoped, he didn't like constant angled close-ups and shadows covering half of everything, it's hard to see with that stuff. He looked to his fellow disciple, and nodded assent. Soun sighed. "If this continues, we may lose Ranma to that girl, and if that happens…"

"Then the joining of our schools will never occur." And Genma's last, best hope for avoiding the tanto would go up in smoke. "And I will be a dead man."

Soun nodded. "I feel there is only one certain way to resolve this. Akane must fight for Ranma, but I fear she might not be able to overcome that girl. Between her weapons and her ruthlessness, she's a formidable foe."

"Yes, in order to win, she'd need both an army and the ability to strike undetected simultaneously." Genma paused, and silently he mulled over his own words. Yes, an idea had hit, and he smiled accordingly to Soun. He would save his bacon yet! "Tendo, I think I have an idea. It's risky, but if it works we'll not only get back Ranma, but we'll get him and Akane married immediately after!"

This perked Soun right up, and his mask broke as he took Genma's hands in his own, tears running down his face. "Saotome, you're our only hope! I give you full permission to do what you must! Restore Akane's happiness! Win back Ranma! Save our schools!"

Genma got up and turned towards the patio door as a ray of hopeful sunlight began to shine in. He looked back to Soun and gave a thumb's up and a grin. "I'll do my best." He said, before a gleam shined off his teeth.

What were those idiots going on about? Akane wasn't really paying attention to the shouting and such coming from inside the house. She scratched ineffectually at the floor and fought off a few dry sobs before wiping her eyes on her sleeve and sitting up. Burying her face in her hands, she swore more tears were going to come gushing out before the door opened and Genma entered.

The extent of the destruction surprised the elder Saotome, but he made no show of it. Sighing, he hunched over a bit and brought his hands up close to his chest like a ghost prowling about. When Akane brought her hands down and looked towards the door, she stopped when she saw no one standing there.

"What? Who opened the–?" Genma was standing on her other side, having rounded her just inside the corner of her eye but going undetected. When he cleared his throat and made his presence felt, Akane nearly leaped out of her skin and flopped onto her back, her eyes wide with fright. "What are you doing here?"

Genma turned away from her, and cleared his throat. "Shampoo of the Joketsuzoku is a deadly threat, unlike any that you have faced. Unfortunately, she is only a sign of things to come for you and Ranma, Akane."

Akane stared at him as she got up. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that in the world of martial arts, no matter how far you advance there will always be someone stronger, faster, more cunning, or better armed than you!" Genma announced loudly, to drive his point home. "What lies beyond an opponent like her? A stronger one! What lies beyond that? An even stronger one! The path of a martial artist is a never-ending mountain, one that must be climbed hand over hand with dedication and determination!"

She looked down at that. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling you because unless you are willing to fully climb that mountain, you will be unable to defeat her." Genma's harsh response made her jump. "You defeated Kodachi Kuno and Azusa Shiratori through genius and determination respectively. You are, by all accounts, a prodigy just like my son, and possess an immense potential. But! You haven't put even half of the effort that he and Shampoo have placed in the arts. It is the reason that she was able to overwhelm you."

Akane stared wide-eyed at Genma, impressed by the tone and seriousness in his voice. She then gritted her teeth and looked away. "She cheated! Using guns and stuff like that! How is she a martial artist?"

Genma then did something unthinkable, and decked Akane, smashing her to the floor. She stared up at him, aghast. "Y-you hit me! Not even my father hit me before!"

"And if he'd been serious about training you he would've done it without hesitation!" Genma retorted. Going by their correspondence before his wife's death, Soun seemed to have no problem trading blows with Kasumi when they trained. "There's no such thing as 'cheating' in battle!"

"No such thing?" Akane rubbed her head.

"Come now! After dealing with the Kuno girl, you still believe that there are rules in battle?" He was right, Akane quickly realized. The strict guidelines of Rhythmic Martial Arts gymnastics were easily circumvented by Kodachi doing everything in her power to take Akane down outside of the ring before the match. Hell, she'd even noted it herself.

She sighed. "Then what can I do? It could take me a long time to improve enough to be Shampoo's equal; I don't have that kind of time."

Genma nodded assent. "You're right, you don't. By yourself, you'd need a solid month or more of training to be able to match that monster of a girl."

By then, Ranma could already be in China, fathering Shampoo's children. The thought chilled both of them. Akane asked Genma. "So then, what do I do? How do I win against her?"

"Simple," the elder Saotome replied, "You don't face her by yourself."

Akane's eyes widened. "You mean, fight with allies against her?"

"Yes. You have two, and if you can push the right buttons, you could have a third against her." To Akane's confused response, Genma sighed. "I'm talking about the Hibiki boy, Tatewaki Kuno, and of course Kodachi. Individually, you're all likely hopeless against her, but together you could stand a strong chance. Would you like me to draw a diagram and make it clearer?"

Akane shook her head. "No, it's not that. It's just…the Kunos? I don't think they could do it."

"Unless you can pull the Forty-Seven Ronin out of thin air, you'll have to make due with them." Genma retorted. "It's this or you fight alone and hope for divine intervention, maybe she'll keel over from exhaustion in the middle of beating you to death."

Those were heavy, heavy words, weighed down by the uncomfortable truth. Akane nodded. "You're right." She bowed her head. "But so what if I can bring them together to fight Shampoo, what's going to stop her from crushing us all at once?"

Genma silently brought his hand to his mouth and soundlessly cleared his throat again. "That all depends on you. If you really love my fool of a son, and want to get him back from that girl's clutches, you need to be willing to not only take up the reins of your dojo, but walk alongside him on the path of the martial artist."

Were circumstances not so dire, Akane would be calling out Genma's attempt at making her give in and straight out marry Ranma. Instead, she not only gave in, but enthusiastically so. "Fine, if I beat Shampoo, I'll definitely marry Ranma!"

She pushed herself up to her feet. "So, what is my best bet against her?"

Yes, he'd done it! The easy part was officially taken care of. Genma nodded and adopted the ghostly stance again. "To start, so far you've gotten by because you can hit like a runaway train when you want, but against speed and firepower you can't match, you'll need so much more."

Akane stared at Genma's odd stance, and suddenly felt the loss of his presence. When she blinked in surprise, he was gone. "Huh?"

Genma stood behind her, and spoke. "Against my better judgment, for the sake of all our futures, I will teach you a forbidden art of the Saotome School."

* * *

Most of the students were still at Furinkan, sifting their way through the rubble of the destroyed school, collecting whatever personal belongings were intact. Nabiki's return surprised quite a few, after the state she'd left in, but it didn't surprise them as much as the serious attitude she'd come back with as she took several of Ranma's classmates to task, grilling them on what had happened after the school fell.

Hiroshi had said this of the incident: "I was buried face down, I didn't see anything, but I heard the crazy chick beat the crap out of Hibiki, and both Kunos like they were nothing."

Daisuke had actually seen some of the fight. "She was so fast, Hibiki didn't even see her attack him. I didn't either."

"I'm sorry I was hit on the head and knocked out, I didn't wake up until after." Sayuri admitted glumly, knowing that Akane was likely a wreck after what happened.

Yuka was the only one who gave a solid lead. "I couldn't see it myself, but I saw someone who did."

That someone was rather easy for Nabiki to find. He was exactly where she expected to find him: crouched over the remains of the girl's locker room, tying to sift his way through the rubble. Her arms folded, she stared with no small amount of disgust down at the young man, as she waited for him to notice her. Her patience ran thin when he produced a pair of panties, suspiciously looked to his left and right, and then crammed them to his nose to inhale deeply.

He lowered them, and then sighed in despair. "These aren't Akane's either."

Oh, that was it. Clenching her fist, she swung and smashed Gosunkugi in the jaw with a hell of a haymaker. "Hello, Spike."

Squealing and simpering in fear, Gosunkugi rolled over and stared up at her. "T-Tendo…!"

"Tendo-_sempai_ to you, creep. I got word that you saw what Shampoo did to Ranma, spill." Nabiki grabbed Gosunkugi and hauled him to his feet by his collar. "Do as I say and I won't make your nickname ironic."

Hikaru Gosunkugi was a sad, sad little boy. Beyond his random impressions of black film actors, photography, and his crippling anti-social behavior, he was just another one of the obsessive admirers of Akane. Natch, this would be well beneath Nabiki's interest if not for the fact that before she took over the taking and distribution of Akane's pictures, this perverted little snake cornered the market taking creepy pictures of her.

"Ah…I don't know what you're talking about, who's S-Shampoo?" Gosunkugi lied. In the back of his lonely mind, he was actually happy that Nabiki Tendo, Akane's older sister, was talking to him.

"Shampoo, you can't miss her. Purple hair, big tits, _leveled our fucking school_!" She snarled to him. "A classmate said you saw her do something to Ranma, what was it?"

"I don't know!" He couldn't tell her.

Nabiki shook him like a stressed out Mom. "Spill, you creep!"

"I swear to God I don't know!"

"SWEAR TO ME!" She yelled at him before dropping him onto the ground. "Whatever Shampoo did to Ranma erased his memories of Akane, and whatever it was, I need to know so that it can be fixed!"

Sitting on the ground, frozen like a statue, Gosunkugi's ringed eyes went wide at this information. Ranma had forgotten Akane? He asked Nabiki as much. "Forgotten her, he doesn't even know who she is?"

So that's what truly desperate hope sounded like. Nabiki wanted to kick him in the face, but her legs were still in bandages, and she didn't want to give him a panty shot. "Tell me what you saw."

Hikaru Gosunkugi, at that moment, decided that it was time to be a man. "N-no, I won't tell you!"

Worst timing ever, Spike. Nabiki could've done anything to Gosunkugi at that point, but she did the absolute worst thing of all. She smiled at him. "Oh, so you _did_see."

"Uh…" He realized quickly his error, and somehow grew a shade paler as Nabiki began to loom over him. "…Well that is to say I…"

Nabiki placed a finger on his lips. "Hush, hush, hush, you've already said too much. Now you're going to say more, or I will show you Hell."

He would go on to tell her everything, but in the back of his mind, he would grip onto this bit of information with all of his life. If Ranma had forgotten Akane, he had a chance, and if no one else knew this then he could maybe bring himself the courage to talk to her! Despite everything, things were finally beginning to look up for Gosunkugi!

* * *

Balancing atop the I-beams of a soaring construction project against a gentle breeze, Shampoo and Ranma faced one another against the backdrop of the Tokyo skyline. Both bowed to one another, and assumed stances before rushing to meet one another. Like a pair of warriors in a dramatic, and strangely realistic Wushu film, they traded blows, with swift and precise choreography, parrying, blocking, and evading each other's strikes with fluid, weaving movements that looked more like art than motion.

Back and forth they went across the length of the I-Beam, rapidly trading the offensive for defensive in as many as ten strikes and as few as two. Even then their speed increased, and blocks and parries were eschewed for evasion, their respective blows coming within inches of a fatal strike. Finally lunging forward, Shampoo thrust a finger at Ranma, who jumped onto a support column and sprang off it as her attack went on to destroy it with the Breaking Point.

After several moments, she dropped her stance and smiled. "That good, we take break now?"

"Yeah, that's fine." Ranma replied as he sat down on the beam and looked out over sunset-lit Tokyo. Shampoo sat beside him, and both sighed happily as they enjoyed the cooling effects of the breeze. When the silence became noticeable to Ranma, he broke it with a cough before speaking. "So I have to know, how do you make things blow up like that? You couldn't do that before."

Shampoo nodded. "I learn Breaking Point from Great Grandma, good to break rocks and stuff, but not much else. I trying figure out breaking point for humans, though, so far no good."

Ranma stared at her, and wondered why that twinge of fear felt so familiar. "That's pretty crazy." He admitted.

"I think I learn more from being in Thailand than I do from Great Grandma, though." Shampoo then said. "Great Grandma taught things for fighting certain man, but special moves nothing compared to what I learn there. I never imagine people so strong until I go there."

This piqued Ranma's interest. "What do you mean people so strong?"

"Ah, I say wrong?" She looked at him, concerned.

Ranma shook his head. "You went to Thailand, and fought strong people?"

"I went to Thailand to train with Shenhua, she strong Taiwan cousin who good with knives, and I met lots of people who were scary strong." Shampoo shuddered. "Thailand bad, bad place, you can die for anything and nothing pretty quick. But it good place to become strong, you got no choice."

"Sounds a lot like the journey my Pop and I've been on since I could walk." Ranma replied. "A lot of Pop's training was 'Do or Die", it's kind of why I'm cursed like I am. Even if Pop did know they were cursed we probably would've went to Jusenkyo anyway."

Shampoo smiled as she stared out at the sunset. "I would like to go on journey like that, and become strong like you are." She spreads her arms out. "There is whole wide world full with things I can't even comprehend! I want to see everything, become strongest in village, even stronger than Great Grandma!"

She let her hands drop to her sides and looked over at Ranma with a sigh. He watched her look away, and recognized right away that something was bothering her on a deep level. He'd seen this frustration before, but couldn't place his finger on where. "Is something bothering you?"

Shampoo looked down at her swaying feet, a smile on her face. "No, nothing is…"

Ranma scooted closer to her, and slipped his arm around her waist. She looked at his face as he reached up and caressed hers. The intimacy of the gesture made her pause; suddenly she was helpless under his scrutiny, her heart raced as his fingers brushed back and forth over her cheek. He could see right through her.

When he leaned closer, she exhaled and was surprised to find she had been holding her breath in the first place. "Ah…"

She paused when she noticed something out the corner of her eye, and saw a dump truck hurtling up towards her and Ranma. Both of them were on their feet and leaping clear as the truck collided into where they sat, exploding brilliantly. Ranma landed on another I-Beam and then jumped off, following Shampoo several floors below the explosion and fire.

"Shampoo!" He called as he landed. "Are you okay?"

Shampoo nodded, before both heard several loud bangs below them. Ranma quickly grabbed her arm and yanked her clear when a bulldozer plowed up through the floor, and the stability of the entire building was lost. "We go to ground, yes?"

Ranma didn't need to be told twice, and both leaped out of the building as it began to collapse, creating the second ominous dust cloud to appear over Tokyo that day. It cleared quickly revealing both Ranma and Shampoo unhurt and face to face with their assailant. Gripping another dump truck by its bumper, a furious Ryoga glared at both of them, his fingers warping the metal.

"Oh hey Ryoga, what's up?" Ranma asked casually as assumed a stance.

"Of all the nerve," Ryoga snarled as he glared at Ranma. "After what she did, you have the nerve to betray Akane like this!"

Ranma blinked. "Betray who?"

Shampoo looked between the two. He hadn't seen what she'd done. Good, it meant that she could spin this her way. Ryoga spoke. "That maniac tried to kill Akane, she destroyed your school, and you're here with her, acting like a lovey-dovey couple! You don't have a lick of shame, do you?"

"What the Hell are you talking about, Boss Hog?" Ryoga grew more incensed at Ranma's shot. "Who the Hell is this Akane you keep complaining about?"

Ryoga's anger was near blinding, as he reared back and threw the truck at Ranma. "YOU HAVE THE GALL TO PRETEND LIKE SHE DOESN'T EXIST?"

The four ton truck hurtled at them both like a missile, before Shampoo jumped ahead and drove a finger into the cab. The front of the truck crumpled and then bulged outward, the metal expanding and distorting all the way down its body until it exploded with violent force, the blast and all it carried directed away from her and Ranma.

Ranma's jaw fell at the impressive display of might. As Shampoo drew her hand back, Ryoga's umbrella parted the smoke like a rifle's bullet and smashed into her stomach sending her hurtling backward and into the side of a cement mixer truck. Immediately Ranma looked back to her. "Shampoo!"

A warning flashed through his mind and he quickly ducked to avoid Ryoga's strike. "WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF, RANMA!"

His follow up blow ripped apart the ground as Ranma flipped away. When he landed, Ryoga was on him, launching another palm strike that was parried swiftly by Ranma's forearm. Fury illuminated his face as he deflected several succeeding blows before he punched Ryoga in the chest, sending him spilling end over end along the ground and into a support beam of the teetering construction project, bending it.

Ryoga lay inside the bent steel for only a moment before he kicked up to block Ranma's punch with his leg. Swinging himself out of the girder, Ryoga evaded another kick that sliced clean through it.

"You're the one that should be worried!" Ranma yelled as he punched Ryoga, the blow blocked but still containing enough force to lift him off his feet. He flipped backward and landed, rolling aside to avoid a diving kick that destroyed the ground where he hit.

"So your own fiancée means absolutely nothing to you?" Ryoga spat as he got up. "This monster means more than Akane to you?"

Ranma stared at Ryoga, his anger giving to confusion. "Akane, fiancée…?"

All of a sudden, images of a girl he'd never seen before flittered through his head, a beautiful girl with long dark hair, always smiling towards him. With them, however, came an immense, traumatic pain that caused him to clutch at his head. "Ah!"

It was Ryoga's turn to pause. "What the Hell?"

There was movement to his left, Ryoga moved to intercept it, but it was too late, Shampoo was inside of his reach, swinging his umbrella for his throat. Before he could be decapitated, however, Kuno's bokken intervened, stopping Shampoo's strike dead cold less than an inch from his throat. Bandaged up, Kuno glared over his wooden blade at the Chinese girl with contempt.

"Your harlotry will not sway me this time." He declared. "For now, my fury is at a climax."

He pushed Shampoo away, disarming her of the umbrella for Ryoga to recover. He wasted no time, throwing himself after her with an enraged yell. "For my beloved Pigtailed Girl, Akane's tears, and for my school, I shall be the avenger!"

Ryoga didn't know what to say of Kuno's intervention, but he wasn't complaining. He followed after Kuno as he attacked Shampoo with a flurry of strikes, all of them evaded and then parried by the knife edges of her hands before she got clear and sidestepped Ryoga's attempt to catch her off guard, kicking him in the back as he passed.

As Ryoga went down, Kuno jumped over him and sprang off his back to deliver a falling vertical slash that destroyed the ground before the blade hit. Shampoo had already soared away from it in a back flip and fell, slamming a finger into the ground and sending a fissure racing through it towards Kuno.

"What?" Kuno yelped as the ground exploded beneath him, sending him flying up into the ensuing barrage of debris. Through the base of the plume Ryoga charged outward, thrusting his umbrella like a lance for Shampoo's throat and head as she got back up onto her feet.

"What did you do to Ranma?" He demanded while he continuously struck. "Tell me, damn you!"

Shampoo slid back and let the end of the umbrella hit her throat. Ryoga stopped and stared in shock when he felt nothing give under the hit. Shampoo suddenly drove two fingers up into the umbrella, and then kicked Ryoga away as the weapon exploded directly in his face, slamming him into the ground.

Turning away from them, she immediately rushed over to Ranma, still clutching at his head. "Beloved! Are you alright?"

Ranma panted, and shook his head. "It doesn't hurt. It's better." He looked up at her. "What was that? I kept seeing a girl."

"Don't you letting it affect you, okay?" Shampoo turned and looked towards Ryoga and Kuno as they began to get up. "They probably sent by her."

"Her, who do you mean?" Before Shampoo could answer, a number of lit bombs landed around them both and exploded, unleashing a yellow cloud of paralysis agent that engulfed them both. "Crap, cover your nose, Shampoo!"

Kodachi was in no laughing mood as she walked over, her eyes smoldering with hatred aimed towards the interloper who stole her Ranma-sama. Her brother and Ryoga joined her, the latter again noting how strange this was. "Brother, it would seem we have finally a common enemy other than Father."

"Yes." Kuno said as he readied his bokken. Ryoga removed a pair of bandannas and began to twirl them, while Kodachi raised her ribbon and stretched it taut between her hands. The cloud faded enough for them to see Shampoo and Ranma both wearing gas masks hastily produced by the former.

"Kodachi, now I'm really pissed off." Ranma growled, his voice muffled by the mask.

Shampoo nodded. "We beating them quick, and then go home. I make you nice dinner."

"You're not going anywhere, until you come clean!" Ryoga demanded.

Kuno brandished his blade. "I will not let you live a moment longer to torment the fair Akane, either of you!"

"I will take back Ranma-sama." Kodachi hissed.

Shampoo snorted. "They all want different things. Not much team."

Looking over to her, Ranma got a devious idea. He got ready to fight. "Then they're not really a team at all, just people who happen to have overlapping goals."

"Oh, I get it." Shampoo replied, as though reading his mind. "Then should be easy."

"I'll take care of the idiot with the sword. Can you handle the other two until I'm done? It shouldn't be long."

"Oh, easy as pie." Shampoo said as she removed her gas mask.

Perched above the battle on the edge of a nearby building, just beneath the rising black smoke, Mousse watched and waited, the flames reflecting brightly off his coke-bottle glasses.

* * *

Nabiki couldn't actually say if she was in a good mood or not, but the information Gosunkugi had given her actually turned out to be very helpful. So helpful that it had actually prompted her to not beat the utter shit out of the creep or otherwise destroy him after he had spilled his guts like a properly shamed shogun. The office was still open, as she staggered to a halt and leaned against the doorway, panting heavily.

"Shit I gotta get in better shape." Oh how it sucked to be a mortal in the presence of demigods. At least she was smarter than most of them. The door opened and several students, all wound victims from the attack, walked out. Behind them Doctor Tofu was there to see them out, and spotted Nabiki.

"Nabiki, has Ranma's amnesia improved?" He asked, quite relieved to see the middle Tendo.

Nabiki shook her head. "Nah, but! I did find out about the stuff Shampoo used on him." She stopped to catch her breath again. "It was some kind of hair shampoo, Formula Number 411 or something to that extent."

What she said that, Dr. Tofu brightened up and her spirits soared. "Aha, I should've known all along! That's the Xi Fa Xiang Gao memory altering technique; it is effective but by no means irreversible. All you need to do is wash Ranma's hair with the counteracting shampoo and his memories should return!"

Immediately Nabiki brightened. "That's great! Where is there a store that sells it?"

"Well, it just so happens that there's a store that sells it." Doctor Tofu said with equal brightness.

Nabiki punched her palm. "Yes!"

He nodded. "Well, you'd have to go to China…"

Nabiki's face was bright red, with veins popping all over it as a long, steady "FFFFFF…" streamed through her teeth embedded deeply into her bottom lip. Oh dear she was going to break windows with this F-Bomb, he'd better do something about it.

"Wait a moment, Nabiki-chan! I have a recipe for it in a remedy book in my office. I can get it made for you in no time flat." Nabiki was beginning to come down slowly. "…And I can get it to you for free!"

Nabiki was refreshed, sparkling, and happy again. "Oh thank you, Doctor Tofu! You know just what to say to make a girl happy!"

Tofu sighed and wiped the sweat off his brow, these Tendo daughters all had such quirks. Ah well, they weren't his favorite patients for nothing. "You just sit back and relax, a moment, I'll go fetch the book. Go have a seat."

"Alright, again, thank you Doctor Tofu." As Nabiki went to sit down, a figure cowered away from the open doorway of the clinic and laid in wait. His chest heaving, Gosunkugi leaned back against the wall and looked for a moment towards the fire rising in the distance. Something told him, like some sixth sense, that it had to do with Ranma; it couldn't be anything else after a crazy day like today.

He had to do something, anything. If he didn't, then they could bring Ranma's memories back and then…

"There'd be no way a guy like me, could have a girl like her." That smile Akane always gives to Ranma, and only Ranma, she'd never be able to show it to a guy like him. "Akane, I want to make you smile."

He looked over and saw a convenient cane lying against the wall. He then looked back in towards Nabiki, who was staring anxiously towards the direction Tofu went off to. Every so often in every man's life, a moment of decisiveness occurs that will define a man for a long time to come. Blinded by lust he like so many other boys his age mistook for much deeper emotions Gosunkugi made the decision that he believed would be the beginning of his moment of triumph, and picked up the cane.

It was easy sneaking up on Nabiki; despite how terrified and nervous Gosunkugi felt, his presence was so insignificant to everyone he was surprised he cast a shadow. Knowing his time was short–Tofu could walk back in at any second–he didn't hesitate as he raised the cane over his head and brought it down hard on Nabiki's head with all his might. The bitch had it coming anyway.

Immediately Doctor Tofu looked up when he heard the crack of the cane and the thud of a body hitting the floor. He dropped the remedy book he'd managed to find and rushed back into the waiting room, where he found to his horror Nabiki unconscious with a pool of blood quickly spreading around her head. "Nabiki? Nabiki!"

As he rushed to treat her, he never noticed the youth slip from his hiding spot and scurry into his office. Collecting the book, and praising his providence, Gosunkugi went to a back room and barely scrambled out of a window. He'd done it! He'd gotten the book, now barring a trip to China, there was no way Ranma could get his memory back. By then, it wouldn't even matter.

Reaching the river, he scrambled over the fence and landed hard on his butt. He whimpered in pain for only a moment, before he got up and began furiously ripping out page after page from the book, being sure to tear every piece into smaller ones. Soon, the river was filled with mangled pieces of paper.

"That fool, Saotome…" Gosunkugi wheezed from his effort. "…I hope he never remembers Akane. I hope that crazy woman kills him! Akane doesn't need a jerk like him, telling her what to do, dragging her into fights, and putting her in danger! She deserves so much better than him!"

Oh, if only he were a braver person, he could be that guy. Maybe after today, he would be that guy, no…he will be! "I'll be the one to make you smile, Akane. I promise."

* * *

Ryoga rushed Shampoo, hurling his deadly bandannas at her. Jumping and evading the fast-spinning pieces of cloth, she landed and rolled clear of Kodachi's ribbon as it zigzagged through the ground, leaving a gouge in its wake. As she landed, Ryoga fell upon her wielding his belt like a sword and slashing it wildly at her.

"You ribbon dancer too?" Shampoo asked as she dodged around the deadly strip of leather before kicking Ryoga in the face, knocking him back. "Faggot."

Shampoo performed a side-flip to avoid Kodachi's ribbon, and then leaped into repeated flips to avoid the twirling weapon. Kicking up an I-Beam, she threw it towards Kodachi and watched as the ribbon sliced clean through it. "Huh, you strong."

Catching a piece of the girder in her ribbon, Kodachi snapped it around with a flick of her wrist and sent it back at Shampoo like a missile. Jumping up, the Chinese warrior ran up the I-Beam and leaped into the air, stepping lightly on the ribbon as she flung it back up towards her with the beam on the end bringing up the rear. Stepping onto it when it reached her, Shampoo leaped into a soaring back-flip. At the top of her flight, she aimed a grenade launcher down at both Kodachi and Ryoga.

"Die." She fired the weapon, which let out a deep thump as it fired a single round that exploded just above them while they dove clear, creating a massive fireball that engulfed both and spat them out. Shampoo landed atop a crane in a crouch, and rested the weapon on her shoulder. "Idiots bringing ribbons to a gunfight."

Kuno's efforts were proving to be as inadequate against Ranma as the others were against Shampoo, lunging wildly after him, while spewing out words that Ranma heard too many times. However, the inclusion of this Akane girl was really beginning to piss him off.

"You two-timing vagrant! You will not stop with just Akane and Pigtailed Girl, you will allow any woman into you clutches, you snake!"

"Look, whoever Akane is, you can keep her for all I care!" He said as he avoided another blow with a bow. He hopped backward from Kuno, who slowly walked after him.

"I intend to! But your claws still remain in the Pigtailed Girl. I intend to sever them, and free her!" He yelled.

Ranma rolled his eyes, and then glanced behind him. "Sure, whatever you say idiot. Come get me!"

"I ATTACK!" Kuno yelled as he charged. Ranma sidestepped and waited for the splash from the water drum Kuno cleaved through washed over him. Emerging soaked from the deluge, Kuno rapidly sought to reacquire his target, and immediately found… "Pigtailed girl, you are safe!"

Ranma smiled at Kuno as he immediately dropped his sword, and opened her arms. "Oh Kuno-sempai, I knew you would come rescue me!"

The idiot was too predictable, forgetting his murderous vendetta; he rushed to embrace the redhead, and received a kick to the chin for his trouble that lifted him off his feet. As he hung in the air, stars circling around his head, Shampoo aimed and fired. The round exploded before it reached Kuno and blasted him through the wooden and chain-link fences that ringed the construction site.

"Sorry, I guess I got too caught up playing around with him." Ranma said to Shampoo as she hopped down from the crane and landed next to her.

"Not that, beating ribbon girl and old new hire pretty too easy. They not put up much fight." Shampoo said as she cracked open the breech to eject the grenade's round. She snapped it back closed after reloading it. "This good first date."

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, I suppose." Shampoo suddenly put her arm around the part-time girl's slim waist and gave her a deep, passionate kiss. "Mm…"

It was as brief as it was intense, leaving Ranma panting as Shampoo pulled away. "Wow that was pretty awesome."

Genma suddenly kicking Ranma in her head not so much.

"Beloved!" Shampoo whirled to acquire Genma, and could see no sign of him. "Where he go?"

She only just saw his shadow at her feet as he rounded her, and swiftly spun to fire the grenade launcher, only to find the weapon gone, stolen from her hand before she took a palm thrust to the chest that pushed her back across the ground. Wide-eyed, she immediately grabbed from beneath her skirt a pair of knives she hurled at Genma to go straight for the kill, only to see both weapons disappear before they reached him.

Shampoo froze as Genma let the knives fall to the ground. "He very good…"

Genma looked to his side, as Ranma rose to her feet. "Don't let him intimidate you, Pop's nothing but a joke!" She said before addressing him. "What the Hell was that for?"

Genma immediately stepped back, allowing Ranma to see Akane step up and join the elder Saotome. "It's you, you're…" She tried to recall a name, but it began to hurt. "Who are you?"

Both Genma and Akane winced, the latter much more, at that. Akane turned to look towards Shampoo, who gave a rueful smile as she sized up the young Tendo. "What you want, bitch? I tell for you last time, Ranma mine."

Akane didn't look at Ranma, if she did, she'd certainly lose her nerve. She immediately pointed at Shampoo. "I'm not letting this go without a fight! I challenge you to one final fight, winner takes all and the loser must give up on Ranma forever. Bring all the weapons you can, because I will break them."

Shampoo stared at Akane and smiled before pointing her grenade launcher at her. "You didn't do too well last time, what make you think you beat me this time?"

A weight on the end of a chain knocked the weapon out of Shampoo's hand. As she drew another knife to attack her assailant, she stopped when she found it to be none other than Mousse. "What you doing here?"

Ranma immediately rushed to attack Mousse, who suddenly moved in a flurry of cloth and hair, evading the redhead's attack and springing off her back to flip through the air and land on Shampoo's other side. As Ranma dipped around Shampoo, Mousse swiftly swung his arm, sending her flying back into Shampoo and sending them both spilling to the ground.

"Gah, what the hell was that?" Ranma grimaced as she rubbed her head. He had hit her much further out than his reach implied. Shampoo wrapped her arms around Ranma, and held her possessively as her childhood friend adjusted his glasses.

"You interfering, Mousse!" She roared at him.

Mousse lowered his sleeve-hidden hand, and smiled as he spoke in Chinese. "It would be in your best interest to accept the challenge. Otherwise, the Americans may find out who stole their hardware, and I doubt the old hag's immunity extends to them."

Shampoo's eyes widened, and then narrowed as she responded in Chinese. "Are you blackmailing me? You are! You're helping them!"

"I'm only ensuring my own interests are preserved." Mousse replied. "I have as much riding on Tendo's challenge as you do. If you win, I'll give up on you too, in fact I won't even look your way anymore."

That made Shampoo pause, and she huffed. She looked to Akane, who appeared unmoved during the brief skirmish. However, she could see the strong façade that the girl was struggling to keep up. "Fine, I fight you. When?"

"In two weeks." Akane replied tersely.

"I pick where." Shampoo immediately answered.

Akane nodded. "I get to have as many seconds as I need to fight, then."

Shampoo paused at that condition, but then nodded. "Round up a million maggots to fight me, you'll still all just be maggots."

That stabbed right into Akane's heart. How DARE this bitch quote that? Akane looked around at Kodachi, Ryoga, and Tatewaki, all injured but still alive. They were all she had, but they would do, she had no choice. She focused her attention on Ranma, and took in a deep breath to repress that anguish seeing her in Shampoo's arms dragged close to the surface.

"If that is the case, then this lowly maggot will join you." Mousse said calmly. Shampoo bristled, and Ranma rolled her eyes. He looked at her and just smiled.

Shampoo said nothing to that, and got up, Ranma with her. "Two weeks then, we finish this."

Akane nodded. "Good."

Ranma glared at her old man. "Great, more girls fighting over me, let's get out of here, Shampoo."

Shampoo nodded and took Ranma's hand befpre two turned and walked away, past the construction works-turned massive pyre and disappearing into the smoke. Once they were out of sight, Akane fell to her knees, bringing her hand up to cover her mouth and suppress the wail she wanted to let out.

Genma gripped her shoulder, stopping her. "Suffering is a part of life, Akane. Bear it, and hold it in until your battle."

"It's hard." Akane whispered back as she trembled.

"Don't worry." Mousse consoled. "I will see to it that we defeat her."

Akane looked at Mousse. "Thank you."

Genma closed his eyes and sighed. "I can't even blame you for this one, stupid boy."

* * *

_"I received another call from the school." The wife of Soun Tendo said as the two settled in for bed. Soun had just returned from what would arguably be his last training journey, the old master, the bastard, was finally dead._

_"Oh?" He really wasn't in the mood for a progress report; he hadn't seen his wife in so long. "Did Akane get into another altercation? Or was it Kasumi this time?"_

_"It was Kasumi." Oh great, their oldest delinquent was going to end up in a reform school at this rate, so much for getting in the mood._

_"What did she do now?" He asked._

_"Oh, it's wonderful." His wife replied. "Since you've been away, Kasumi has been turning around! She hasn't gotten into a single fight, she turns in all of her work with perfect grades, and she's even been elected Class Representative! What's more is that her personality has changed almost completely. The teacher cannot believe she's the same girl, she's so gentle and kind now, they say!"_

_She paused and then let out a gentle cough. Odd, she'd thought she'd long been over this cold. Soun paid it no mind. "So she's finally shaping up, huh? This is good; she might make a fine wife for Saotome's boy one day."_

_"I hope so as well. The girls will be so happy to see you in the morning." She noticed Soun's wolfish gaze and the blushed. "Oh, you cannot be serious!"_

_"Woman, I have been away for over six months, forced to take part in acts of perversion indescribable and with only you serving as my restraint from indulging myself. Now that I have come home, I intend to relieve my lusts!" His wife squealed playfully, calling out "Cad" and "Brute" as he descended upon her._

_Her face bright red, eight year old Kasumi quickly retreated from the door to her parents' room and stealthily made it back upstairs to hers. Reaching the top of the steps, she closed her eyes and sighed happily. She could picture the sieve clearly now. It had taken her four years, but it was really working now._

_Happy that Daddy had come back, she quickly retired to her room. In the morning, she'd wake up Nabiki and Akane, so they could all greet him together. She smiled and stared up at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to come._

Over ten years later, she stared at the ceiling, again waiting for sleep. She closed her eyes and tried to drift off, but emotions that she was not used to feeling so intensely awoke her. Nabiki had been badly injured by someone who stole the most immediate cure for Ranma's amnesia, Akane had left on a two week training journey to fight that terrible girl, and she was feeling helpless to do anything about it.

She wanted to fix this.

* * *

A/N: I got nothin'.


	14. Arms Race

Disclaimer: I apologize to the Walt Disney Corporation, Team Four Star, and every montage scene ever made in the last twenty years. To the rest of you, I apologize for nothing.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
The Third Sino-Japanese War 5: Arms Race

_Preparing for the Final Battle_

**[14.]**

_Kasumi had changed, and Soun was not sure if it was for the better. Despite his best efforts, he could not get even half of the aggression that Kasumi had displayed during their previous bouts. Her blows were still incredibly powerful, and she had managed to defeat him six times out of the last nine spars, but there was a clear lack of determination. Her evasiveness and reluctance to attack were increasing, and even openings to vital areas were ignored in favor of disabling strikes, submission holds, and quick knockout blows. She was becoming soft, and with his every effort she was becoming softer._

_Leaving his daughter to train on her own, he entered the sitting room where his wife sat with Akane, brushing her short hair. Lately she had begun to look pale, and that cough of hers had become an everyday thing about the house, it was by her own stubborn insistence she not go to the hospital to look at it, and it was another source of stress for Soun. Noticing her husband's concern, she frowned._

_"Is it Kasumi again?" She asked as Akane looked up._

_Soun nodded. "I'm worried that she may be losing her instincts. She's withdrawing into a more defensive style; I've had to practically use all of my ability to draw her into fighting back."_

_Even then, it was only a partial success. "I can't tell what's wrong with her, these changes are unusual."_

_"I can't say that I have…" His wife trailed into a cough, Soun paused as it came along much more rattled and violent than before._

_"Mama…?" Akane asked, as the fit went on for a moment longer than the little girl had known it to. Finally, she eased and took a few shallow breaths to calm herself._

_"Dear…" Soun spoke, unnerved by this change of pattern. He was waved off._

_"It's fine, I'm sure it's just bronchitis. I've had it before and it lasted like this." She stubbornly returned. "Soun…perhaps Kasumi is just losing interest in the arts. Yesterday she did cook dinner all by herself and was quite pleased with the result."_

_Soun nodded assent. This was something he did not want to consider. If Kasumi was losing her will to fight, then what could he do? Nabiki had again and again expressed her disinterest in the martial arts and little Akane was simply abysmal with no discernable talent. What would be the point of joining the schools if he had no viable heir?_

_"She's just too good natured." Soun lamented. His wife coughed again, and then let out a loud, disturbing hack. He and Akane looked up again, as she stared at her palm with wide eyes. While Akane couldn't see it, Soun could…and so could Kasumi watching hidden from the partially opened door._

_The sight of blood in her mother's palm was a memory that still lived with Kasumi to this day._

* * *

"Nabiki-chan, how are you feeling?" Kasumi asked. Nabiki had sluggishly made it to the kitchen table and sat down next to Soun.

"I'm fine…aside from the concussion and the blood loss." Nabiki replied before she immediately picked up a glass of orange juice and began chugging it down. She slammed the glass down. "I'll feel better when I find the son of a bitch who blindsided me."

Soun was particularly enraged by that. To attack one of his daughters so underhandedly, and the one who could not defend herself of all of them! He wanted to meet this coward himself. Kasumi frowned at Nabiki's continued disregard towards manners. "Nabiki-chan, please watch your language. Do you know who might have…?"

"Oh yeah, I do. When I find him? He's fucking done." Nabiki growled. Kasumi weakly admonished her again, and went ignored as Nabiki began shoveling food onto her plate.

Genma and Akane had left on their training journey two nights before, and would not be back until the day of the battle with Shampoo. There was not a doubt in any of their minds that with this training, Akane would be able to overcome and defeat her. However, ever since the conflict with Shampoo began, a sense of apprehension had come to grip Kasumi. It had already peaked twice so far, when Ranma lost his memory of Akane, and when Nabiki was assaulted, and she knew that all bad things came in threes. Something worse than both of them was on the horizon.

"Kasumi-chan, are you alright?" Soun asked.

Kasumi looked to her Father, and much like her mother when pressed over something bothering her, waved him off with a smile. "I'm fine, Daddy. Just a little tired."

Like Kasumi knowing how her sisters operated, Soun read his oldest daughter like a book. She, like Nabiki and Akane, inherited their mother's stubbornness and refusal to address their feelings–especially when something was bothering them. He was far from a controlling father, however, and even if he could, he couldn't bring himself to further stress Kasumi. The conflict with Shampoo and all it wrought was weighing on her the most.

"You know, perhaps you should take a day off today." He suggested to her. "I'm sure we've recovered enough financially from paying off the Ice Rink for you to go out and spoil yourself."

As he spoke he directed his attention to Nabiki, with a look that implied "We had damn well better, even if it's coming out of your pocket". Kasumi looked over to Nabiki, who quietly conceded, her head still hurt and she was too eager to find Gosunkugi to care about handing off a couple of hundred thousand yen to Kasumi. Besides, it was Kasumi, she'd feel bad even trying to haggle with her.

"Will you be fine? What about lunch and dinner?" She asked them.

"Of course," Nabiki said with a cynical edge. "Thanks to Ranma and Akane, we Tendos can practically eat free at that western buffet a few blocks over. Take the day off."

Kasumi felt a little touched by the gesture, and smiled to both of them. While it didn't do much to ease her apprehension, it went a ways toward it. Maybe she could visit Dr. Tofu, and thank him for taking care of Nabiki so well.

* * *

Many miles away, Tatewaki and Kodachi made their way up a heavily forested path towards the old shrine that they'd been instructed to meet at by, of all people, Akane Tendo after their sound thrashing at the hands of Ranma and Shampoo.

_"If you want to defeat Shampoo, you'll all meet at this location."_

While her older brother had enthusiastically accepted the offer to meet Akane, Kodachi of course was very reluctant about the implication of coming here. Unlike Tatewaki and Ryoga, she'd heard the challenge issued by Akane. She knew that her brother and that idiot with a bad sense of direction would happily do it just for the sake of pleasing her, but her intentions were less than noble. She was merely here to remove the competition.

Speaking of that idiot, Kodachi looked back down the path and the trail of weighted black rose petals she'd been leaving behind like breadcrumbs. Sure enough, far behind them, Ryoga followed the trail with iron rigid determination. What Kodachi didn't know, was that he had been conscious as well, and he had heard the challenge.

While he was helping Akane for the sake of pleasing her, he also had a great deal of guilt weighing on him: It was thanks to him that Shampoo had been able to find her way to the Tendo Dojo, and like Ranma had warned him, he had not expected the extremes Shampoo was willing to take or her disregard for anyone or anything in her path.

"Ugh." Kodachi cut down a hornet with a swipe of her hand before shouldering the long oak case and duffel bag she carried. "How much further is it until we get there?"

"No matter the distance or the danger, I shall travel anywhere for Akane, even to the ends of the Earth!" Tatewaki replied, thinking of Akane as some regally garbed princess, calling upon her trusted samurai to battle in her name. Kodachi wished to gag aloud, bad enough that it was nearing that time for her that she had to put up with this.

A trio of throwing knives hit the ground in front of them, stopping them in their tracks, before Mousse descended from the trees and landed atop the base of one of them with precise accuracy and balance. "I would advise you go no further than this for now. Akane is being shown a secret technique and no one is to be allowed near."

Ryoga reached the group and frowned when Mousse explained what was going on. "What kind of technique, for fighting Shampoo?" He asked, to which Mousse nodded.

"I can't really say, as I've not seen it. I'm not allowed anywhere near the temple while they're training." Mousse replied, before he looked up the long, winding path. "Do you feel that?"

"Feel what?" Both Tatewaki and Kodachi asked. Ryoga's eyes widened, as he indeed felt what Mousse did. There were two presences down the path, one he clearly recognized as Akane's. The other suddenly vanished.

"That other presence, it…" Akane's scream of pain suddenly cut Ryoga off. "AKANE!"

Like a flash he shouldered past Mousse and ran straight for the direction of Akane's voice. Mousse sidestepped Tatewaki as he likewise charged up the hill, bokken in hand and loudly announcing his approach. Mousse turned to Kodachi, and adjusted his glasses.

"Aren't you going to run off for her, too?" He asked with a light tone.

Kodachi's cheeks turned pink and she thrust up her nose. "I'll take my time, thank you. This forest is full of disgusting insects." She said in a tone that labeled Mousse one of them as she walked past.

Mousse watched her go, content he had all he needed to know. "It will definitely be Hibiki." Crossing his arms and linking his sleeves, he followed Kodachi up.

"Akane, are you alright?" Ryoga stopped and stared in horror at what he saw. Lying in the middle of the ruined temple's empty courtyard was Akane in her usual training clothes, the back of the uniform shredded and revealing numerous bad bruises in a pattern up and down her back. Standing over her, and rolling his shoulder, Genma glanced over to Ryoga and the quickly arriving Kuno before letting out a snort.

"It took you long enough to get here." He sneered at them.

Kuno pointed his blade at Genma. "Like father like son I see, you Saotome waste no time in assaulting the helpless!"

"Ah, give me a break." Genma lamented as Kuno charged him. Indeed, like son the father evaded the blow and promptly planted his foot in Tatewaki's face.

"You…!" Ryoga growled, before Mousse rested a hand on his shoulder.

"Remember what I said?" Mousse asked before gesturing to Akane, who let out a groan as she began to get back up. Kodachi finally caught up with them, indifferent to the suffering of her proclaimed rival until Genma tossed her something.

"Ah, what is this?" She looked down at the first aid kit, and then to Genma.

"You're the only person I trust to tend to her injuries, so get to it." Genma rightfully stated. Ryoga looked to Tatewaki, and both of them realized right off that his comment was aimed at their attraction towards the girl.

Kodachi stared at Genma. "I'd rather she die…" She tried to search for a name.

Genma stared back, knowing full well how to nip any such attempt in the butt. "Genma Saotome, I'm Ranma's father, and I would like it very much if no one tried to harm Akane as I am training her and would be grateful to anyone who took care of her…hint."

Exactly as expected, Kodachi's attitude towards murdering Akane reversed and she held up the first aid kit. "Very well, Genma-sama. I'll have you know that I'm quite skilled at first aid and medicines, I shall see Akane back to full health before you know it!"

Ah, that was easy. Genma turned to Mousse. "You, get some food going, so we can discuss why we're all here over some lunch." With nothing aside a polite bow, Mousse headed off to the temple. Genma then turned to look back down the overgrown path. "Everyone's almost here. The rest of you go inside."

Inside, as Akane lay facedown on a bedroll recovering from her injuries, Ryoga, Mousse, Genma, and the Kuno siblings sat gathered around a table loaded with plates of delicious food. After declaring "Let's Eat", they all dug in, and the plotting began with Ryoga leading off. "What did you do to her?"

"I demonstrated a technique." Genma answered. "I'll be instructing Akane in a forbidden skill here and in the town at the foot of these hills. As long as you all are in our company, you will not be allowed to witness anything I teach her."

Kodachi, after having seen the extent of Akane's injuries, grimaced at the prospect of such an attack being used on her later on. "What about us? That animal has trounced us all twice in succession with minimal effort, in case you are not aware."

As she spoke, Ryoga looked from his food and to Akane. She was willing to go through so much suffering for Ranma's sake. It made his appetite diminish, but he kept shoveling in food away. He turned his attention Genma when he started replying.

"I've got a little less than two weeks, twelve days, to radically improve all of you to at least a level where working together you can bring her down. As you all are now, it'd take much longer than two weeks to even come close to her individually, with the exception of Ryoga."

Both Kunos looked to Ryoga, who gulped down his food when the scrutiny fell upon him. Tatewaki hummed. "Are you saying that this man is the closest to being Ranma's equal?" He could not accept that.

"Then if that's the case, teach me the technique you're training Akane with!" Ryoga demanded.

"Absolutely not!" Genma retorted. "The technique I'm teaching her is easily highly destructive and fatal; it is quite possibly the Saotome School's greatest sin and I will not teach it to any outsiders!" He drew back from his vehement shout. "I'm going against my own vow to seal away these skills, but only because of Shampoo's gross lethality and that there is no other choice. Besides, you'd use them against my son given half the chance."

"So then what will become of the rest of us?" Kodachi reiterated.

Mousse answered. "In order to effectively defeat Shampoo, you all must play a role that counteracts her abilities. Aside from her weapons, her strength stems from two very effective techniques that have increased both her speed and durability to a level that brings her close to Ranma's from what I've observed. The first is the Breaking Point technique, Bakusai Tenketsu, which is a technique designed to destroy boulders with a single touch. As you've all seen, Shampoo has improved upon it enough to destroy metal and wood as well. The true benefit from the Breaking Point, however, is the effect its training has on the body: there is very little in the ways of a physical blow that can hurt her."

Everyone had been silent up until that point, when Ryoga spoke. "So that's why my attack failed. Even a vital area like the neck was impervious."

"What is the second technique?" Kodachi asked.

"Kachu Tenshin Amariguri, Chestnuts Roasting over an Open Fire, is a form of speed training, as it's performed by removing chestnuts from a fire without burning your bare hands. Shampoo has not only mastered the skill, but has applied it to punching, drawing weapons, and reloading them."

"That's educational and all, but marveling over her powers isn't going to help us." Ryoga said. "You know them both so well; can you train us in them?"

Mousse smirked at Ryoga. "I can train _you_ in one of them."

Ryoga blinked. "Just me?"

"Both Kodachi and Tatewaki here need all the time we have to even approach the tiers that you, Ranma, and Shampoo fight in." Genma explained. "As the gulf between you and Ranma is narrower, you'll need far less time to improve before we move on to a specialized technique."

Tatewaki was growing further and further indignant at the implication that he was so weak, and Kodachi was ready to get up and walk away. The Kunos may have been insane, but they had their pride as fighters. Mousse saw this, and wondered if that pride could be soothed with the surprise Genma had in store for all of them.

He turned back to Ryoga. "However, even then you'll only have time to master one of the techniques, so choose wisely."

"I choose the Breaking Point." Ryoga replied without hesitation.

Genma and Mousse both nodded. Thank God, he picked the one that could be of the most use for them, someone needed to soak up that gunfire. "With that out of the way," the former said, "I will be happy to inform you that I've gone out of my way to ensure that the three of you are trained by one of the finest Grand Masters in the world."

The mood of all three immediately brightened at the prospect. "A Grand Master?"

Mousse looked at Genma, surprised. "A Grand Master…?" He didn't know Genma knew a Grand Master of any art.

Genma smirked, he was proud of himself for this one. "Many years ago, when I was a young man on my first training journey, I saved his life from a crazed mob. After that, we became fast friends, and he told me that if I ever needed him for anything all I would need is to call and he'd be there. It's been decades, but to my surprise, he was not only happy to hear from me again, but dropped everything to fly to Japan and aid us."

"Wow…" Kodachi gasped, impressed.

"The opportunity to become stronger beneath the tutelage of a Grand Master, I underestimated you, Saotome-san." Tatewaki admitted. "Who is this man? So I may properly introduce myself to him?"

"Yes, who is this Grand Master?" Ryoga demanded.

Taking off his glasses and wiping the lenses, Genma slid them back onto his face and took advantage of the serious setting's implied shadows and close-ups to make his dramatic reveal. "It is none other than, the legendary…DIO."

Cue the anime four-framed reaction shot from Tatewaki, Kodachi, Ryoga, and Mousse just before the heavy oak and iron doors of the temple were blasted open, filling the dark room with near blinding daylight. Turning to face it, all squinted to stare at the silhouetted figure, and all gasped when they saw it was him.

DIO had arrived.

* * *

Ranma learned something today. Getting free food as a cute girl was great and all, but if you had another extra-friendly girl with you, the samples were surprisingly larger.

"Here, just for you girls, a gift for being just absolutely adorable!" A cheerful old okonomiyaki vendor said to Ranma and Shampoo as he handed them both some rather large helpings of the pancake-like dish. Happily thanking the vendor with cute smiles and waves, the two quickly headed off, Ranma already taking several bites out of her okonomiyaki.

"You getting all free food you liking and still call this…" Shampoo poked Ranma's breast nearest to her. "…Curse?'

Ranma, her mouth full, scoffed. "I'll be the first to say it's got its uses, but it's not something I want to live with for the rest of my life, you know? I thought we've been over this."

No they hadn't, but Shampoo immediately agreed, knowing that it was the gaps in Ranma's memory trying to connect again. She took a bite out of her okonomiyaki, and then hummed after swallowing her morsel. "What so bad about being girl? Beloved having best of both worlds."

"Having to slice my belly open if I ever get caught by my Mom is what's so bad about it." Oh, that's what it was, holy shit. "What do you mean 'best of both worlds', anyway?"

"No man on Earth knowing what it like to be woman except you." Shampoo noted.

"I guess…" Ranma raised her okonomiyaki plate to look down at herself. "But I'm a man, babe."

"Yes, you very much man…but you can be turning into woman, too. Think about all things you can learn. Have you ever touched yourself?"

Ranma immediately felt uncomfortable at the question, and shrugged her shoulders. "Nah, I've never." Shampoo stared at her in disbelief. "Look, it's just one of those things that are really creepy to me, okay? I've not even gotten used to the idea of kissing as a girl…"

"You was not complaining before." Shampoo retorted.

Ranma huffed. "That was in the heat of the moment and you know it!"

Shampoo let out a laugh. "But you still not complaining."

Her cheeks red, Ranma crammed the rest of the tasty snack into her mouth to excuse not speaking to Shampoo and pouted as chewed. Shampoo ate hers at a much more delicate pace, and her thoughts drifted back towards what Ranma said about slicing open her belly. "I can't believe you Mom wanting you to kill yourself. Holy shit, I did not know people still do that."

Letting out a sigh, Ranma nodded. Something about what Shampoo said had bothered her, it sounded familiar but like déjà vu it was just out of her grasp. "Shampoo, can I ask you something?"

Shampoo finished her own okonomiyaki; she had to admit that was really good. "Yes, beloved?"

"That girl you're gonna fight. Why does she keep giving me headaches?"

Her question hit like ice water, and Shampoo looked away with an uneasy expression. "Shampoo no could tell you, she crazy like ribbon girl, thinking you hers or something like that."

The mere mention of Kodachi brought a wave of disgust washing over Ranma. Shampoo quickly added. "It not mattering who she is, when I beat her, you never having to worry about her again."

Ranma smiled. "Thanks, Shampoo."

Shampoo nodded and finished her okonomiyaki. "So be happy! We going back to China after this, finding you cure will be super easy."

That made Ranma's smile grow, and she hugged Shampoo tightly. "We're really going to China after this? I can go to Jusenkyo and get cured?"

Again Shampoo nodded, and Ranma kissed her enthusiastically. "Mm…?"

Ranma broke the kiss and hugged Shampoo tight. The deal was sealed; Ranma didn't care who that girl was, all that mattered now was Shampoo beating her so she could reclaim her manhood. Shampoo smiled back at her. "See? You have no problem with kissing girls."

Her blush returning, Ranma smiled sheepishly. "Neither are you…" She trailed off when Shampoo leaned forward and gave her a long, open-mouthed kiss. The very sight of two cute girls kissing in public brought as many people looking away in embarrassment as it did perverted on-lookers. By the time Shampoo broke the kiss, both girls were panting in arousal, a crowd had gathered around them, and there was a four car pileup in the street.

Shampoo smiled. "I not caring you turn into girl. You still man, yes?"

"Y-yeah…" Ranma said, not feeling as uncomfortable as she normally felt when aroused in this form. "…Still a man…"

A familiar face out the corner of her eye snapped Ranma out of her haze, and she turned to spy Kasumi of all people standing front-row center among the drooling epistaxis-suffering losers. "Ah…K-Kasumi, what are you doing here?"

"Hello Ranma." Kasumi said in a friendly, reserved tone. Shampoo frowned, what was the older one doing here? "Daddy insisted that I take a vacation today, so I've got some money to go to a spa for the day. Would you and Shampoo care to join me?"

Both looked to one another, and then to Kasumi. Shampoo was suspicious, but before she could decline, Ranma held up her hand. "Sure Kasumi!"

Before Shampoo could protest, Ranma was already gone, leading Kasumi along. Frowning, Shampoo brought up the rear, and mulled over why this was happening.

* * *

A train excursion later, Kasumi and Shampoo sat in a steam room in bathrobes. Ranma had gone on his separate way, wanting to enjoy the spa's hot spring, leaving the ladies to their own devices. It was something Shampoo had tried to protest, but could not seem to in the presence of the eldest Tendo sister.

The feeling Shampoo got from her, the whole way here, made her feel uneasy. She wanted to expect a surprise attack, but she couldn't sense any malice from her. Just like when she first encountered at Tendo Dojo, the woman just could not emit any ill-intent, even when Shampoo threatened to kill her and everyone else in the house.

It was unnatural, unnerving to her. "What is your deal?"

Kasumi looked over to her. "Ah?"

"You Akane sister, yes, why are you being so nice?" Shampoo narrowed her eyes at Kasumi. "You not like her?"

"I love Akane, she's my baby sister." Kasumi replied.

Okay, but that didn't explain her inexplicable behavior. "Then why be so nice, why you not helping her?"

Kasumi sighed. "You are Akane's opponent, not mine, and I don't enjoy fighting. I have not for a very long time."

"Oh, so you pussy?" Shampoo asked.

"Oh no, I gave up fighting a long time ago." Shampoo stared at Kasumi as she gently answered, had she not heard what she just called her? "When I was much younger, I was always fighting. I would get into a lot of trouble; too…I didn't know my own strength."

"I see…" Shampoo said quietly. "…So why you stop?"

Kasumi's smile faded. "Something happened that really changed things for our family. After that, I had much more important things to worry about than becoming stronger, or being the heir to my dojo. So I turned away from the arts, and focused on taking care of my family."

Kasumi's words troubled Shampoo immensely, and the eldest Tendo daughter could see it on her face as she looked away. "Well, you dumb if thinking Akane will win."

"I have faith that my sister will win." Kasumi said, despite the weight of her dread. "But that will not discourage me from asking you to please reconsider this."

And there we go. Shampoo frowned, and looked down at the smoldering coals that kept the steam going. Picking up the ladle, she poured some water on it, increasing the cloud. "That real reason you asking me here?"

"Yes." Kasumi admitted. "I wanted to ask you to call off the challenge and give up on Ranma, at least return Ranma's memories and let him decide for himself what he wants."

"Only if Akane win, which she won't." Shampoo paused and looked down. "You wasting time and money trying to convince Shampoo. Village law is village law, Ranma is Shampoo's."

Kasumi nodded. "I understand. I only wanted to try, even Nabiki tried to do her part…it wouldn't have been fair at all if I just sat off to the side."

Shampoo could at least respect attempting negotiations, futile as they were. Still, she couldn't read anything from the older woman; it was getting under her skin. "You are different from them."

"I am?" Kasumi asked.

"Those two are quick to anger, no control at all. You are cool, almost like ice." Shampoo observed. "I call you a pussy; I call Akane a whore to her face in front of you, and you don't react, you still too nice."

Kasumi nodded. "That bothers you."

When Shampoo quickly confirmed it with a nod, Kasumi explained. "In order to fill the void left by our mother, I had to put away my own anger and sorrow so my family could stay intact. It was not easy, but my tranquility became an anchor that at least held my family together."

Shampoo stared at Kasumi, and then snorted. "You did a pretty shitty job of it. Both your sisters are garbage."

"I did all that I could. I'm not, and never will be my mother." Kasumi replied, not even registering Shampoo's dig. Hearing that, Shampoo grew perplexed, and scrutinized her more closely. That effortless calm, like everything simply passed through her. There was no way it was natural.

She tensed up, and anxiety began to filter into her senses. Then, just as quickly, Shampoo crushed it and rose to her feet, before stretching. "I thinking I'm done here, enjoy your life."

"I will try, and you do the same." Kasumi said as Shampoo turned for the door.

Shampoo stopped and looked back for a moment, and then quietly left. Once she was alone, Kasumi picked up the ladle, filled it to the brim, and poured it over the superheated coals, creating a very large cloud of steam. As she leaned back against the bench and let it wash over her, she shrugged off her bath robe and let it hang open off her shoulders.

_"Lung cancer…?" The color drained from Soun's face at the diagnosis. "That…that's impossible, there's no way it can be that. She doesn't smoke, she…"_

_The doctor, his tag reading Ishida, adjusted his glasses. "Lung cancer can be caused by more than just smoking. There's asbestos or radon exposure, and an assortment of other diseases that can lead to it as a complication. In some cases, it just happens and there's no way to predict it."_

_"How dare you act so cool?" Soun roared in all of his despair. "But you can cure her, right? It's not too late?"_

_Despite the rage flaring in front of him, Doctor Ishida took remained entirely calm, sympathetic even as he spoke his next words. "Tendo-san, please calm down and listen. I'm afraid that at the stage it has progressed, there is nothing we can do for her–other than make her comfortable as possible."_

_Soun fell silent, and then gently croaked. "She…she's going to die?"_

_The doctor only nodded solemnly. Ever the silent witness, Kasumi numbly turned away from her Father as he slumped against the man and broke into hysterical sobs. She made her way back to the hospital room, and leaned against the doorway as she listened to her mother console a very worried Nabiki and Akane with promises that as soon as she was better, everything would be fine again._

Kasumi snapped awake as the door to the sauna opened, and another group of women hesitantly lingered by the door. "Ah, sorry…we didn't know someone was already…" One of them began before Kasumi let out a surprised and embarrassed laugh.

"Oh my, I'm sorry. Please, don't mind me." She said as she pulled her robe back on and got up. "I was just leaving."

Given a wide berth, Kasumi was able to leave the sauna and immediately headed for the locker room. In moments, she left the spa and began the trip back to Nerima, leaving both Ranma and Shampoo behind.

* * *

"I can't believe that you've gone this long thinking that it was DIO. It's D.O, you know, for Donny Osmond?" The so-called Grand Master spoke after Genma mistakenly introduced him as such to an awestruck Ryoga, Mousse, Tatewaki, and Kodachi.

"My mistake…" Genma said as he scratched the back of his head. "…It's been a long time. My friends, this is the Grand Master I told you about, D.O."

Dressed in a smart suit and tie combo, the American Master smiled to the youths and extended his hand to Ryoga, the closest of them. "But you can call me Donny."

"Your Japanese is perfect…" Ryoga said, dazzled and awed by his equally perfect teeth as he shook his hand.

"Donny-san," Tatewaki spoke in a reverent tone, "Is it true that you can train us to the level of Saotome-san's son?"

Donny looked to Tatewaki and nodded. "Of course, in the time we have left, I can easily make all of you about as fast as Ranma. It will take time and effort, but with my training technique, it'll feel about like three minutes."

"Three minutes?" Kodachi and Ryoga exclaimed together. The former pressed on. "You can compress two weeks into just that?"

"Of course…" Donny closed his eyes and brought his pointer and thumb to hold his chin. "For you see, I am the Grand Master of the art of…"

He opens his eyes, and then jumps back to perform a spin before landing in a pose. "…MARTIAL ARTS MONTAGE!"

The appropriate Japanese characters appeared in the showy display. The three new disciples stared, unsure of what to say of this even for all of their quirks. Behind them, Akane managed to wheeze out. "What."

She was duly ignored by the others as Donny got up and turned for the door. "Follow me outside, and we will begin immediately."

Looking to one another curiously, Ryoga and the Kunos followed Donny out, with Mousse and Genma bringing up the rear. At the foot of the Temple's steps, Donny nodded and then pointed to the archway that served as the shrine's gate, about a hundred meters away. "In order to reach Ranma in terms of speed, you must all be able to run a hundred meters in the same amount of time as he can."

Ryoga nodded. "Is that all? I could outrun Ranma in my sleep."

He stepped up to the starting line. Mousse immediately spoke. "Ryoga…"

"Just tell me when to go." Ryoga ignored him.

"But…" Donny began to speak.

"Tell me when to go!" Ryoga insisted.

Before anyone could say, Kodachi called out. "Ready, set? Go!"

Ryoga was off like a rifle bullet, in expectedly the completely wrong direction. As he ran off the Shrine's grounds and began tumbling roughly down the hill, Genma turned to Mousse and nodded his head in the direction Ryoga went. Sighing, Mousse leaped off after him. One flip-wipe later, and everyone was assembled again in front of the starting line while Akane watched from the temple's doorway.

"Now, as I was saying." Donny cleared his throat. "You must run the hundred meters under the same conditions that Ranma ran them."

Kodachi looked down at her legs and waist and grimaced at the sight of the some hundred and fifty kilograms of weights on each leg and around her waist like the others. This would significantly slow her down. Ah, what a day to begin cramping up. She looked over to her brother, who was hopping from one foot to another, and cracking the concrete under his feet with every step. Of course, the only one who didn't appear bothered at all was Ryoga, who was performing a one-finger stand and performing pushups on it. Men, honestly…

"From sun-up to sunset, you will run until you can surpass Ranma's best time. Between races, we will take what we know of Shampoo and study the proper countermeasures for defeating her as a team rather than individuals. Once you have completed this training, the whole of you should be able to overcome Shampoo and defeat her."

Tatewaki stepped up. "So, how fast can Saotome cover a hundred meters?"

Genma thought off the top of his head. "About three point eighty-four seconds, give or take. Why, do you wish to take a crack at it?"

Stone still, Tatewaki stared at the other end of the track, as many, many beads of sweat began forming on his forehead and face. Snorting steam through his nostrils, he approached the starting line. "Of course I do! Why, I wouldn't be surprised if I beat his record on the first try."

He knelt with his hands on the starting line, sweating buckets. Pulling out a starting gun, Donny held it to the air and fired it. Like a bat out of Hell, Kuno was charging down the course…

…And about thirty seconds later he dragged himself across the finish line on his hands and knees, gasping for mercy.

Kodachi fared little better, running the hundred meters in about twenty-seven seconds.

Only Ryoga came remotely close, crossing the line at about eight seconds. Bear in mind, all of these times were achieved wearing a thousand pounds of weights–freaks, the whole lot of them. Mousse produced a CD player and hit the play button, filling the air with a thundering drum line as Ryoga collapsed to the ground. Watching this, Donny, looked to Genma and nodded in agreement with his silent assessment.

"We have a long way to go." Donny said before he suddenly disappeared and then appeared standing over the three students, surprising them with his untraceable speed.

* * *

[It's song time]

(Donny)  
_Let's get down to business; we've got work to do!  
This training's important, if you're to be, of use!  
You're a delusional, dumb, psychotic lot  
And you can barely touch Shampoo…  
Somehow I'll…make weapons…out of you_

(Kodachi: This is stupid…)

(Genma: SHUT UP!)

[Scene: Akane training with Umisenken]

(Genma)  
_Suppress all your feelings, sadness, anger, and fear_

(Akane)  
_Reduce all my presence…_

(Genma)  
_And you'll disappear…_

(Genma: Whoa, she's gone!)

[Scene: Mousse training Ryoga with Breaking Point]

(Mousse)  
_You've been breaking rocks with your face all day_

(Ryoga)  
_And I'm getting nowhere fast..._

(Mousse)  
_Do it right or I will kick your ass!_

(Ryoga: Geez, okay!)

[Scene: Kodachi, Tatewaki, and Ryoga trying to beat Ranma's 100 meter dash]

(Tatewaki)  
_I didn't think he was so fast!_

(Kodachi)  
_Dear Lord I can't stop bleeding._

(Donny)  
_Girl you really should invest in some tampons~!_

(Ryoga/Tatewaki: Oh God! *Retching Sounds*)

[Scene: The Cat Café]

(Shampoo)  
_I'm gonna kill them all to death!_

(Cologne)  
_I wouldn't be so cocky!_

(Ranma)  
_Why are we even singing along with this song…?_

(Manly Chorus)  
_**A MONTAGE!**_

[Scene: Akane moving like a shadow through a busy street, picking pockets as she went]

(Genma)  
_You must be swift as a coursing river_

(Manly Chorus)  
_**A MONTAGE!**_

[Scene: Tatewaki and Kodachi closing in on Ranma's record over the ensuing days]

(Donny)  
_With all the force of a Great Typhoon_

(Manly Chorus)  
_**A MONTAGE!**_

[Scene: Ryoga managing to partially shatter a boulder with breaking point]

(Mousse)  
_With all the strength of a raging fire_

[Scene: Donny, Genma, and Soun super stylized, pose together under a full moon]

(Donny/Genma/Mousse)  
_**Mysterious as the Dark Side of the Moon!**_

[Scene: Tendo Dojo under the same moon as Nabiki and Soun enjoy tea]

(Nabiki)  
_Time is growing shorter; does she have a chance?_

[Scene: The floor of a grocery disappears underneath its patrons]

(Soun)  
_There's no alternative, she must make her stand._

[Scene: Kasumi praying to her mother's memorial]

(Kasumi)  
_Oh mother what's this pain I feel? This dark and foreboding fear?_

[Scene: Akane hammers a training dummy with numerous rapid-fire blows, and then stops with two fingers deeply embedded in it. She then gets an idea…]

(Kasumi)  
_Oh mother, I wish that, you were here…_

(Manly Chorus)  
_**A MONTAGE!**_

[Scene: Kodachi opens a case, revealing a long red ribbon]

(Donny)  
_You must be swift as a coursing river_

(Manly Chorus)  
_**A MONTAGE!**_

[Scene: Donny watches with approval as Tatewaki flies past the finish line a second better than Ranma]

(Donny)  
_With all the force of a great typhoon!_

(Manly Chorus)  
_**A MONTAGE!**_

[Scene: A boulder swinging for him, Ryoga roars and plunges his finger into it to blow it apart as Mousse nods]

(Donny)  
_With all the strength of a raging fire!_

[Scene: All three fighters walking away from their training grounds and towards the mountain where Akane waited]

(Ryoga/Tatewaki/Kodachi)  
_Mysterious as the dark side of the Moon!_

(Everybody)  
_**A MONTAGE!**_

[Scene: Akane standing before the temple]

(Akane)  
_I must be swift as a coursing river…_

(Everybody)  
_**A MONTAGE!**_

(Akane)  
_…With all the force of a great typhoon…_

(Everybody)  
_**A MONTAGE!**_

(Akane)  
_…With all the strength of a raging fire…_

[A focused aura forms around her hand as she raises it up]

(Akane)  
_…Mysterious as the dark side of…_

[She performs a fearsome swing as she sings]

(Akane)  
_…THE MOON!_

The temple suddenly slips in half, as the top of the hill behind it slides off its base.

[Well, there you have it. Proof I am the worst writer ever.]

As the building and the hill behind it began to slide down the slope, Akane turned to Genma, who was both horrified and impressed by the girl's growth and mastery of the technique. "I…I think I'm ready."

Genma just continued to stare, as he nodded assent. "Yes, yes you are…"

* * *

The two weeks were up, and a very large crowd had gathered outside the location where the fight for the fate of Ranma Saotome would take place. By way of word of mouth and internet gossip, the huge showdown had spread like wildfire and attracted nearly half of the Nerima District, including an army of male students from Furinkan who had come armed and ready to join Akane in her struggle in order to win her favor. The only ones not present, strangely enough, were the families of the involved parties, and the prize himself. Only Shampoo was present, standing in the center of the battleground, a large Oil Refinery located on the edge of Tokyo Bay.

Shampoo had arrived just before sunrise, and swiftly drove every worker out with her presence alone. Then again, when you're packing a four-tube missile launcher and twenty-five millimeter cannon among other weapons and a considerable amount of body armor recently nicked from another Military base–to Cologne's concern–it was understandable why they fled. She waited atop one of the refinery's storage tanks, silently watching the sun's descent over the city.

"I'm surprised the military isn't here." Daisuke said to Hiroshi as he observed the scene. He had only recently showed up "Do you think they will show up and try to stop her?"

"Eh, whatever, it's not like they'd be able to do anything of particular value." Hiroshi said, to the contempt of the group of Military Fanboys that were within earshot.

Closer to the blocked off gate leading to the refinery, Sayuri and Yuka looked nervously to one another. The sun was almost set, and there was still no sign of Akane. Nearby, news reporters were hurriedly reporting a minute-by-minute report of the standoff. At the Cat Café, Ranma folded his arms as he watched in the empty restaurant with Cologne and the rest of the staff, who were treating it more like a sporting event with signs cheering Shampoo on.

At the Tendo Dojo, Nabiki and Soun watched the news reports with Genma and Donny Osmond, whose presence completely baffled Nabiki. Kasumi stayed in the kitchen, citing cooking dinner, but using it more an excuse to not be a part of the sickening tension.

Also watching the coverage was Dr. Tofu at his office. When the camera fell on Shampoo spotting something that captured her attention, he frowned in consternation. On television, the cameras swung to see what had caught her eye. They fell upon the end of a long road that led to the refinery and a figure standing at the end of it. On the scene, Sayuri and Yuka both gasped in surprise and smiled when they saw it too.

"It's Akane!" They both called out, before cheers rose up among the other Furinkan students.

Shampoo narrowed her eyes at Akane, who stared back with the same determination. She wore a dark blue gi rather than her usual off-white, her hair was tied into a long braided ponytail, and around her waist was a batik-patterned cloth tied as a sash. Her change was more than just her clothes, Shampoo could clearly see even from this distance that she had improved physically.

"You finally show up…" Shampoo whispered.

In front of Akane, Tatewaki leaned against a telephone pole, Ryoga sat calmly on a bench with his umbrella against his shoulder, while Kodachi stood with her arms folded. All of them were looking down towards the ground.

"You guys," Akane said, "Let's go!"

All three looked up, and then nodded. "Right!"

As the group of four began walking towards the refinery, a commotion at the gate drew everyone's attention towards it. Standing in front of the blocked off gate was a darkly dressed Mousse, who grinned back at them as the flashing lights of cameras gleamed off his glasses.

"If I were you, I would make way for them." He said. "This matter really concerns none of you."

"What do you mean?" A student of the Kendo Club roared as he pointed his bokken at Mousse.

Mousse looked past them and towards the four warriors. "Those guys are the only ones who can stop her. If they can't, then you all will just be picked apart at her leisure. You may as well just pack up and go home…leave whatever happens here between them."

"Kuno, his sister, that Hibiki guy…they're all doing this for Akane…" Hiroshi said quietly in amazement at the force Akane had gathered.

It disgusted Daisuke. "All of this over Ranma? This is really pissing me off."

"Everyone get out of the way!" Sayuri called out as she and Yuka began performing crowd control. "Let them through!"

A news reporter managed to get past the soldiers. "You, young man, who exactly are they? What is this all for?"

Mousse smiled broadly as they began to make their way through the crowd, which felt compelled to get clear by the combined weight of their presences. "They're four youths from Nerima. I'm afraid that's all I can tell you."

He pushed himself off the gate and walked over to Akane as they emerged from the parted crowed. He nods to her. "You look impressive, Akane."

Akane regarded Mousse with a look. "Are you ready?"

"Of course, I am." Mousse turned and looked to Kodachi, Tatewaki, and Ryoga, who all shared the same resolve. "We all are."

Akane looked from him back to Shampoo. "Ryoga, open the gate."

Without a word, Ryoga stepped up and walked to the blocked off and chained gate. Raising his hand, he plunged one finger into it and to Shampoo and everyone else's surprise blew the entire structure away, clearing the path for them. Shoulder to shoulder, the group now five stared up at Shampoo, who raised one of the weapons she held in hand, a modified automatic grenade launcher, up to her shoulder Both her and Akane's gazes met once more, as both spoke together.

"So then, let's finish this."

* * *

A/N: It feels so much smoother now, I'm glad I went through with this.


	15. Victory

Disclaimer: Word of God here, I thought the last chapter sucked

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
The Third Sino-Japanese War 6: Victory

_The Battle_

**[15.]**

_Less than three months._

_That had been the prognosis given to them, and in days that followed things began to change to how they would be for years to come. Nabiki had always been the smartest of the three of them, and quickly grasped the finality and scope of what was happening to their family. As a result, she had cut herself off from them, withdrawing into silence and a passive-aggressive reluctance to go anywhere near the hospice to visit their Mother._

_Kasumi's search of the web history on the family computer betrayed her feelings however. Almost every web page visited after Nabiki's uses were related to cancer research and treatment information. In time, Kasumi found herself studying the same websites and visiting the same forums, hoping to cover more ground, and to maybe grasp a miracle._

_Akane being so young met the changes with innocent confusion and a near constant stream of questions about everything. But as time passed and she grew enlightened, the burden began to weigh on her as much as it did everyone else, and it wasn't before long that she lashed out and Kasumi had to take Akane visit the nice doctor and his newly opened clinic up the street after a particularly bad fight at school._

_It was after that fight that Akane began spending her time around the dojo, emulating the training she always witnessed Kasumi going through. In his grief, however, Soun could barely be motivated to teach her much of anything, and after repeated failures, she stubbornly began training herself._

_Three months passed and then four passed after the diagnosis and prognosis, a phone call came to the Tendo Dojo, and everyone left for the hospice. It was any day now, they had to come say goodbye. As Kasumi closed the door and locked it behind, she felt a great weight on her head and shoulders. The sieve had begun to fill, and grow._

* * *

A distant boom, an explosion just like the fuel truck blast Akane set off, made Kasumi tense in the kitchen. She immediately heard Nabiki swear out loud. "Shit! They must've knocked out the cameras out there!"

Another explosion rumbled, and Kasumi stepped from the kitchen to the sitting room, where she saw Uncle Genma, Soun, and their guest gathered by the TV as Nabiki smacked the side of it in vain. She disregarded the scene for the patio, where she immediately found the sky off in the direction of Tokyo Bay bathed in an orange glow and a massive column of smoke rising above its source. The battle was in full force.

"…Akane-chan…" She whispered.

Moments before, Shampoo walked to the edge of the storage tank's roof and stared down at her opponents. Her scrutiny was especially upon Mousse. Was the idiot really that dumb? She addressed him in Chinese. "You are an idiot if you think you all can beat me."

"I love you, Shampoo, but if it means that I must hurt you to prove it, I will." Mousse replied as he secured his glasses in place. That incensed her.

"Of course you do, why else are you doing this?" She responded sarcastically. Mousse grinned broadly.

"Are you two done?" Kodachi asked in Chinese, causing everyone to look at her.

Akane cracked her knuckles and then assumed a fighting stance, Tatewaki, Ryoga, Kodachi, and Mousse doing the same. Shampoo was in agreement with Kodachi that the time for words was over. She shrugged, swinging forward and locking the four-tube missile launcher into a firing position on her shoulder. "I agreeing with that, no more smack talk!"

She leaped off and fired off all four missiles as she fell towards them. Akane and her Seconds immediately scattered just before they impacted, creating four very large and fiery explosions. As she landed in front of the blasts, she searched for Akane among the flames created. Instead, she spotted four of Ryoga's bandannas homing in on her from her left. Raising the Grenade Launcher, she fired off a burst, destroying the projectiles before Tatewaki suddenly fell upon her from above, swinging his bokken down towards her head.

"I STRIKE!" It was because of that yell that Shampoo was able to jump back and avoid the blow. The pavement below them exploded, creating a shower of rocks and boulders that protected him from her counterattack of grenade fire like a temporary shield.

"Hmph!" Shampoo immediately readied the weapon in her other hand, a long metal baton just before Tatewaki suddenly rushed her with speed well above what he had shown before. She swung the weapon, blocking his strike as she cursed in Chinese. "He's gotten faster…"

One handed she parried him and then blocked his follow-up blows before jumping away from him when he managed to get inside her guard and thrust the wooden blade for her throat. Stopping at the base of another storage tank, she fired her grenade launcher at him as he pursued her, only for the rounds to be destroyed mid-flight by a pressure wave created by Tatewaki's powerful swing.

Shampoo jumped above the wave which put a deep dent in the tank, before she began jumping up it towards the roof. Tatewaki pursued her, reaching the tank and running up its vertical slope like it were nothing. When Shampoo fired down at him as she reached the edge, he weaved around the bursts, before leaping and thrusting the bokken forward. Shampoo blocked the blow, and both were sent hurtling into the air by his momentum.

As they hung in the air, Shampoo stared at him wide-eyed as he drew back to swing again, and then smiled. Bokken and baton met with incredible force, creating a shockwave that blew their hair back. They recoiled for only a moment, before lunging again, but this time Ryoga's umbrella joined the fray and Shampoo was blasted higher into the air.

She tumbled end over end twice before she snapped forward and targeted Ryoga with the missile launcher as he opened his umbrella to use it as a parachute for him and Kuno, who he caught with his free hand. Mousse and Kodachi suddenly landed on the top of the umbrella before both jumped up towards her as she fired the missiles. As they reached the missiles, they used them as stepping stones, kicking them off their mark and sending them exploding into buildings below. Above Shampoo as Kodachi passed, Mousse raised his arms above his head.

"Don't take this the wrong way!" He called as he swung his arms down at her, launching a barrage of chain-mounted claws.

Shampoo raised her grenade launcher and fired at the claws, deflecting them. "If you are worried about Shampoo hating you, don't worry, I ALREADY DO!"

Kodachi's ribbon suddenly lashed around her neck from behind, and she was yanked through the air, swung around and around by the wildly laughing woman and picking up incredible momentum before Kodachi let her go and smash through three smoke stacks and a storage tower, creating several large explosions. Kodachi landed in a crouch atop another tower, her ribbon surrounding her like a levitating snake as she watched the flames from the explosions illuminate the night.

"You are not so easily slain." She spoke. Sure enough, missiles were rocketing towards her. She left an afterimage that disappeared just before the missiles smashed into the tower, setting off the oil stored inside in another gigantic explosion. Shampoo emerged from the fires her landing created with flames burning at the ends of her hair and clothes that quickly cut out as she soared in a ballistic arc towards Tatewaki, who Ryoga had thrown towards her.

Tatewaki swung horizontally as Shampoo lashed out vertically, blocking the swordsman and allowing her to vault over him. Sheathing the baton, she hefted the twenty-five millimeter cannon and fired off five rounds down at him. Three of them missed as Kuno raised his blade to defend himself from the two that did strike, the exploding shells smashing him toward the ground.

Turning herself around, she spotted Mousse using his long robes to catch the thermals above the flames and put himself into a good position to attack. She targeted him with the cannon as he closed his arms and dropped, her fire missing him by a wide margin. Below her, he opened his arms again and called out.

"GO!" More chained claws shot from his long sleeves…but were this time rocket propelled as they shot up towards Shampoo. Flailing a bit as she switched the cannon for her baton, she deflected one of the claws and then kicked off the other. As she fell away from the rest, both claws reacquired and pursued her through her descent.

Turning around to face them again, she fired at them with her grenade launcher, knocking both off their course only for them to turn and try to attack her from her flank and above. Landing on the former as it reached her, she bounded from it to the latter and prepared to fire a burst at Mousse.

She was interrupted however by several clubs hurled up at her by Kodachi, two of them throwing her aim off before the third clocked her in the chin. Stunned, Shampoo fell backward and hurtled towards the ground. Above her, riding the thermals like Mousse, Ryoga closed his umbrella and dropped like a rock after her. She shook her head, snapping out of her daze and immediately acquired him with the grenade launcher.

"You is dying now." She sneered as she unleashed a steady stream of fire at him. Every grenade hit, but Ryoga still reached her, driving his umbrella into her chest and smashing her into the ground with enough force to fracture the ground and form a deep crater beneath them.

Ryoga stared down at Shampoo, as she stared back up at him. Shampoo licked her lips. "You want Akane for yourself, why you fighting for her?"

"Honor comes first." Ryoga replied.

Shampoo pointed her grenade launcher at his chin. "You full of shit."

The single grenade she fired knocked him back enough for her to point the missile launcher at his chest and send him flying with a missile to his gut. Slowly, she rose to her feet and walked out of the smoke-filled depression as Ryoga deflected the missile away from him before it could explode. As she exited the smoke, she found him, Kodachi, Mousse, and Tatewaki waiting and ready.

Wait a moment, something was wrong. What was it…? Shampoo swiftly ran her eyes across the group and counted them off in her head. Where did Akane go?

* * *

_Seated around the table after a long day of training, Akane and her Seconds discussed their options for fighting Shampoo. The strategy proposed by Genma and supported by Mousse's information was met with honest skepticism simply because it sounded way too simple to work._

_"So it's basically a running tag-match, what you're suggesting?" Ryoga said to Genma._

_Genma nodded. "Yes, keeping your individual engagements with Shampoo short but capitalizing off one another's attacks and her reactions will wear her down quickly over the course. Staying in with her is the worst possible thing you can do, because it'll give her time to try to take you down individually."_

_Of them, it was Tatewaki who understood the intent the fastest. "Ah, I see, and if we randomize our pattern as to who attacks after whom, then she won't know what to expect next, or who to defend against."_

_"That's precisely what we're looking to do." Genma then looked over to Akane, who was quietly eating some rice, before turning back to the others. "If the tactic is working as planned, at a certain point, Shampoo will hesitate."_

_"And at that time, we will all attack." Mousse finished._

That time was now, Mousse asserted, and everything went like clockwork. Kodachi spun her ribbon, sending off a swirling storm of rose petals blasting straight for and engulfing Shampoo. Quickly surrounded in them, Shampoo took a step back and then jerked backward when she realized she could not move. "Huh?"

She looked down and found, of all things, her feet held to the ground by the apparently sticky rose petals. They held her in place just long enough for a barrage of rocket-propelled weights and claws to reach her. Several claws imbedded themselves in her chest armor, as more drove themselves into her arm, the thigh and shin guards, before the weights smashed into her and lifted her off her feet. As she went airborne, Mousse swung open his arms; pulling Shampoo spread eagle in the center of the maelstrom of black and leaving her wide open for Tatewaki as he shot towards her, thrown by Ryoga once again.

"Fuck you…!" Shampoo declared as she lowered the Missile Launcher to fire at Kuno.

"Not so fast!" Reacting quickly, Kuno hurled his bokken straight into the shoulder-mounted launcher's center, fouling all four barrels as the motors ignited, sending the entire launcher off Shampoo's shoulder and spiraling off into the sky.

She wasn't done. Using the change of weight distribution as it threw Mousse off, Shampoo raised the grenade launcher before her captor could compensate. No matter, the weapon was immediately knocked from her hand by Ryoga's umbrella. Jumping off Tatewaki's shoulder, Ryoga shot like a bullet straight for the disarmed woman with fire in his eyes before he drove the breaking point into her torso body armor. As expected, the heavy flak vest expanded and exploded, blasting Shampoo free of Mousse's hold and sending her crashing into the ground, the force of her impact creating a long trench before she came to a halt.

Ryoga landed as the rose petals cleared, Kodachi recalling her ribbon and Mousse dropping his chains as Kuno reached up and caught his bokken in hand after falling from the exploding missile launcher. Mousse walked past the other three, and to the start of the trench created by Shampoo as she began to get up. All of them knew this fight was far from over.

Shampoo immediately grabbed the twenty-five millimeter and hoisted it up under-arm to aim at Mousse. He could tell she was looking for her, trying to spot her anywhere in the surroundings, but the flames, the smoke, and the immediate threat in front of her was holding her attention.

_"You can't find her, can you? You and I are probably the only ones right now who realize it."_ He thought as he extended a pair of large falchions from his sleeves. _"You can't tell where Tendo is or where she's going to come from…but you know she's near."_

He immediately ran towards Shampoo, low to the ground with his arms held back and against his sides. Rather than shoot at him, Shampoo pointed at the ground and opened fire, tearing up the ground in front of him in an effort to interrupt his charge. It was in vain; after the first shell hit the ground, Mousse had leaped into the air and came down upon her with a mighty swing.

Letting go of the cannon she raised the baton in both hands to block Mousse's strike. Perched on the blade, Mousse twisted himself into spin, striking against the baton like a deadly tornado and pushing Shampoo backward. The violence of the blow genuinely surprised her.

_"He's not holding back?" _She realized just before Kodachi's ribbon caught her ankle and Mousse ceased spinning with a kick to her head that lent Kodachi the momentum needed to start swinging her around.

"CRASH!" Kodachi commanded as she yanked hard on the ribbon and slammed Shampoo face first into the ground hard.

"…And…" Before Shampoo could try to get up, Kodachi dragged her into the air, and began swinging her around faster and faster. At speeds unheard of, Kodachi yanked Shampoo around and swung her straight for Ryoga, who readied a steel girder like a baseball bat. With all his might, Ryoga swung the girder, smashing it into Shampoo.

"IMPACT!" Both yelled as the girder shattered into fragments and Shampoo went hurtling like a bullet through three lined up storage tanks, setting them all off in explosions that turned night over Tokyo into day briefly.

Tossing the broken girder away and picking up his umbrella, Ryoga opened it as oil and debris began to rain down upon him. Between them and Shampoo's resting place was a literal sea of flame dotted by islands of slowly melting metal and rapidly heating concrete. There wasn't much of anything at the former refinery that wasn't on fire now.

Outside the gates, the spectators were in total silence. Sayuri and Yuka looked at each other with trepidation, while Hiroshi and Daisuke were at the front with every other teenage boy who thought explosions and fire were the best things ever and were filming on their phones and cameras the battle that none could now see but knew was raging with the explosions and gunfire audible above the roar of flame.

Far, far away, Hikaru Gosunkugi was nailing dolls on the side of a tree.

_For the first time in his life, he didn't want to be noticed. Since his assaulting of Nabiki; Gosunkugi had wisely disappeared, taking cover in his attic even outside his parents' notice. She knew it was him; it was why there were people coming to his house every day, pestering his parents about where he could've gone. While they mistook his sudden popularity for a good thing, Gosunkugi saw the writing on the wall. He had fucked it up big time._

_He just wanted Akane to be happy, why couldn't anyone understand that? Just thinking about all the grief she was going through for Ranma's sake made him sad and furious at the same time. How was he the victim in any of this, when he was the one two-timing Akane for this Shampoo girl from the start? Ranma forgetting Akane was the best thing that ever happened to her, she just didn't realize it yet, no one did! She just needed to see there were better people out there for her!_

_He tried to make his views known in the only place he safely could, the Furinkan High School BBS–which had now become the official forum of all things related to Ranma and Akane since the fall of the school–but was viciously and relentlessly flamed before being banned altogether._

_He spent hours afterward cursing Ranma Saotome, before an email dropped into his inbox. When he opened it, the message baffled him._

_"If you hate Ranma Saotome, join me."_

_It had to have been a trick, right? It was all just too good to be true. However the allure of having an ally, a person who understood and agreed with him was too great, and he quickly responded with a yes. The next email contained a link to a webpage, and when he followed it, everything changed._

As fire illuminated Tokyo's dark skyline, and an endless cacophony of sirens blared in the distance, Gosunkugi drove a nail into the fourth doll he placed in as many trees. He had confidence, he had purpose now! Everything he had always known about Ranma, the Saotomes, was right! Just thinking about it elated him, and honed his resolve to the level that he had yet to injure his thumb nailing up the dolls–one for each of Akane's Seconds.

"Curse you Hibiki, curse you Hibiki, curse you Hibiki…!" He finished with an extra powerful blow of the hammer, and panted softly. That was one for each of them. There was just one doll, and one nail left, and as Gosunkugi turned to look towards the tree it would be going into, he felt a compulsion to gulp.

"Now's not the time…one day, we'll all look back on this and laugh." He began walking towards the tree, as another explosion sounded from the direction of the refinery.

* * *

Blood trickling down the right side of her head, Shampoo rose back to her feet. Her cannon lay on the ground, mangled beyond recognition. A crying shame, she really liked that gun, and Cologne wouldn't let her get another. Oh well, she had more important things to worry about.

_"They've all gotten better, and the Old New Hire knows the Breaking Point. Only two weeks…they really improved this much in only two weeks!" _It lit a fire inside her as she began walking towards the lake of fire that separated her from her opponents. In just two weeks they could touch her, they could hurt her!

She freaking _**loved**_ it. A broad grin on her face, she kicked off and began to cross the fire via its steel and stone islands, picking up speed and hurtling herself straight for the first person she saw in her sights, Tatewaki.

"Here she comes!" Tatewaki yelled as he took up his sword and blocked the vicious blow she swung at him with her baton. As the two took to trading blows, Mousse looked to Ryoga and Kodachi and exchanged nods.

Blocking several vicious strikes from Shampoo, Tatewaki jumped backward as she thrust the baton for his chest. Bringing his bokken down on it, he slammed the end of it into her stomach before she could try to defend, and then flipped his grip on the weapon to catch her in the chin with it, lifting her off her feet with the uppercut. Catching herself, she landed hard on her feet.

Ryoga suddenly was coming at her from her left, thrusting his umbrella like a lance. Shampoo stepped from side to side to avoid the blows, before she lunged in to thrust the baton for her chest. Ryoga's free hand parried the baton and he thrust it forward into her chest. "BREAK!"

He ended up poking her breast harmlessly. Both stared at where his hand rested. Ryoga spoke first, in shock. "What, it didn't work?"

He didn't know the breaking point didn't work on the human body? Perfect. Shampoo was already thrusting the baton straight for his throat, only for her to be denied by a flying kick to the face. As she skipped along the ground, she quick flipped onto her feet and slid backward on them to a halt.

She immediately readied to locate her new attacker, but saw only Ryoga's bandannas buzzing toward her to keep her on the defensive. She performed a turning, leaning, and bending dance to avoid every blade, before using the baton to block a falchion slash from Mousse.

Spinning back from him, Shampoo jumped into a one-handed back-flip that she used to spring and open the distance between them. As she landed, the swords, propelled by rockets were already less than ten feet away from her. Both blades were deflected swiftly, and then thirty more weapons converged on her from nearly every conceivable angle and direction in front of her.

Wide-eyed, her grip tightened on the baton, and the weapons suddenly slowed to a crawl in front of her as her arm began to move, knocking the weapons out of the way from her slowly at first, but picking up speed before the weapons scattered in a flurry of sparks created by the impacts.

Tatewaki suddenly swung his bokken at her, diving inside her reach and missing as she jumped up and over his head. She landed and prepared to counterattack when Kodachi's ribbon sliced up the ground around her and managed to lash across her, cutting through her clothes and drawing blood. As she weaved clear of the ribbon, Tatewaki drove his attack home, slamming repeated vertical strikes onto Shampoo to hold her in place as she blocked them with the baton. After the third blow, however, she hit back, throwing him off his footing, before she jammed the baton in his chest.

"Fry!" She yelled out, as the baton delivered a crippling electrical charge into Kuno and sent him flying with smoke coming off his body. The ribbon was back and Kodachi with it. Spinning and jumping around the deadly length of fabric as it attempted to ensnare her, Shampoo deflected the clubs Kodachi threw off the hip, and the last one exploding in a white cloud of smoke that blinded her.

Twirling the baton as she closed her eyes tightly, Shampoo took a blind leap straight up, and sure enough heard the ground shatter where Ryoga's umbrella smashed into it. She opened her eyes, and spotted a barrage of chained, rocket-propelled weapons homing in on her again. No time was wasted, and the weapons were all deflected as they came in a barrage of blows from the baton.

"Useless! Useless! Useless!" She kept yelling as the weapons were knocked away. As the last weapon was deflected, she took a powerful kick to the back that dropped her straight towards Ryoga like a rocket. Taking the weapon in both hands, he thrust it straight up as Shampoo fell on it with such force that it folded her in half on it as she lost the dinner she ate before getting to the battle.

Lowering the umbrella, Ryoga spun around and slammed it into her, smashing her through the remains of a destroyed building. He looked up towards where he was certain Akane attacked her, and could not see nor sense her. "That skill…it's scary."

Kodachi caught her Ribbon and joined Ryoga's side as Tatewaki got up. Mousse stepped ahead of the group and frowned. "She's beginning to feel the pressure but don't let your guard down. She's still dangerous."

In the remains of the now partially collapsed building, Shampoo laid on her back, panting softly as she stared up at the illuminated smoke that filled the sky. She smiled, and began to laugh. This was amazing; she didn't want it to end!

* * *

_In a garage near the Cat Café, Shampoo stared at the pile of destroyed, damaged, or disassembled military hardware she had accumulated in preparation for dealing with the Saotomes. The last two weeks had been eventful, and she had barely any time to train between preparing for the battle, and various unfortunate setbacks._

_Cologne walked in and looked around.. "I am very impressed, Shampoo. Your time away has taught you many things."_

_"Yes." Shampoo said as she picked up the parts to her twenty-five millimeter cannon and began arranging them. "Cousin Shenhua…Thailand taught me many important things."_

_She pushed herself up. "Like that no matter how strong you are, there will always be someone out there better. Or that no weapon is off limits if it's a real fight." She laughed. "And also, that you can look as bad as you want, but as long as you win nothing else matters!"_

_"I see that place left a big impression on you." Cologne said. They had never talked about what exactly happened there. "What exactly went on there?"_

_Shampoo smiled. "I was beaten…by every single person I fought."_

_She rested her hands on the top of the work bench as Cologne hummed in surprise, remembering her struggles against the backdrop of some madness involving a particularly dangerous woman dressed as a maid of all things. Her Taiwanese cousin had led her into battle against lowly pirates, depraved mercenaries, and even criminal overlords, and in every instance she'd barely escaped with her life at worst._

_"And this was just one place, Great Grandma," She said, "One city where everyone must be strong to survive just going about their day. There's an entire world of people out there who are even stronger. I just haven't met them yet, or are even near their level."_

_Cologne watched as Shampoo looked at the cannon, and then began to lose her smile. "Ranma, he is the same way as me. He wants to fight strong people, and keep getting stronger."_

_The old woman's ancient brows rose at Shampoo's admittance, and she nodded slowly in understanding. Quietly, she reached into her sleeve. "Yes Shampoo, all great warriors should aspire to become stronger, no matter what. But remember what we've come here for." She produced an envelope and tossed it to her side. "This came today, addressed to you."_

_Shampoo nodded, and picked up the letter as Cologne left her in privacy. Opening the letter, she stared at her contents, before her eyes grew wide._

_"This is…!"_

* * *

Perched on the catwalk of one of the remaining intact smokestacks, Akane had the perfect vantage point as she watched the others begin to advance towards where Shampoo had left. She had disappeared, and the ambient heat and smoke were making it difficult to locate her. Remembering to maintain a minimum presence, Akane leaped to another undamaged structure, a large maze of pipes and storage tanks, and ran along them until she stopped and spotted her.

Her Seconds had spotted her at the same time, standing with her back to a literal wall of flames. In each hand, she held a chúi, and her expression was one of pure murderous intent.

"Warm-up is over, maggots. Let's do this for real." She said before she broke into a run straight for them.

Ryoga and Tatewaki rushed to meet her, with the latter reaching her first. Using one of the chúi, Shampoo vaulted over Tatewaki to swing the other down on Ryoga, who thrust his finger up to smash the weapon. His hand slipped against the smooth surface of the chúi, however, and the weapon traveled along the inside of his arm to smash into his chest. The force of the blow launched Ryoga like a missile that Kodachi barely avoided as she began running in.

"Your finger slipped." She taunted. She then whirled around and crossed the weapons, blocking Tatewaki's bokken. Before he could draw back, she trapped his bokken against the heads of the hammers, and kicked it out of his hands. As it spiraled upward, she flipped her grip on the hammers and drove the ends of the handles into his gut.

"GAH!" As Tatewaki cried in pain, she spun the weapons in hand, and caught one near the head of the hammer to deliver a brutal uppercut that sent him flying straight up.

Tossing a baton with two rings on each end to herself, Kodachi hurled it at Shampoo and then sprang into the air, with her ribbon at the ready. Spotting the ring she raised her arm to deflect it, when the baton suddenly became two and lashed around her arms before connecting at her legs, holding her spread eagle.

"This is the end!" Kodachi yelled out as she began spinning, the ribbon twirling around her faster and faster before it became like a solid, black rose petal spewing drill that dove straight for Shampoo's exposed middle. The attack connected, tearing up Shampoo's shirt as it pushed her backward into and through the flames that she'd posed behind. Her, and the drill she was impaled upon, went on to crash into the side of a fuel tanker truck, which did not explode for once.

At the other end of the drill, Kodachi snapped it back, and snorted. "I didn't go through, a shame."

"Word of advice, next time you do that fucking Gurren-Lagann shit…" Before the last of the ribbon could reach Kodachi, Shampoo grabbed it. "…Use a real fucking drill."

She tightened her grip as Kodachi tried to pull it from her hand, and grinned before yanking hard. "GET OVER HERE!"

Kodachi could not do much about being yanked towards Shampoo at terminal velocity, nor could she do much about the chúi coming down on her head at around the same speed. The crater Kodachi created spread out nearly thirty feet, and went about the same depth.

Shampoo picked up her other chúi and then twirled them in her hands like she were a western gunslinger, before pointing one down at Kodachi and pantomiming a gunshot. "Bang."

Tatewaki then smacked her in the jaw with his bokken with a one-handed swing as he fell upon her, sending her hurtling into a wall. Kicking off from his landing he began launching a barrage of thrusts, the pressure waves battering Shampoo deeper into and through the wall, into what appeared to be the refinery's offices. As she rolled back onto her feet in what appeared to be the office pool, he was on her, lashing out with swing after swing she was forced to defend with her chúi.

"We will not be so easily defeated!" Tatewaki declared as he dodged two deadly swings and then parried a third before lunging to attack.

Shampoo blocked the strike, and then another, the impact causing her to step back before she ducked under another. "I hoping not!"

Tatewaki sidestepped another strike that put a hole in a wall, as he tried to capitalize; she warded him off with the second chúi and pulled out the first before the wall exploded in front of her, showering her with rocks and steel. She narrowly blocked a punch from Ryoga, and when he thrust his umbrella, she leaned back, using her chúi to catch herself before kicking her new attacker away and then rolling back to avoid a vertical strike from Tatewaki.

As she got back onto her feet, something struck her back like a bullet, a devastating tiger-claw blow not-unlike Ryoga's. "AHHHH!"

Yelling aloud, she spun around to hit her assailant, but narrowly missed the blur that retreated to the corner of her eye. As she tried to track her target, Tatewaki's bokken found her kidney, causing tears to form in her eyes as she was smashed into a wall. She turned around and blocked a second strike.

_"Who the Hell hit me?"_ She thought in anger as she hit him in the gut with the weapon, sending him through a window. Suddenly the blur was back, and going low and fast before it put a fist into her stomach, knocking the wind out of her. "Gah, you…!"

Her chúi smashed into the floor where she was sure it was, but her new attacker, Akane, was already swinging herself up and onto Shampoo's back where she leaped off as she kicked her hard into the floor. Landing on her feet as Tatewaki and Ryoga got up, Akane got into a ready stance. "Get up."

Shampoo did as told, slowly rising up. "This is you big plan? Wear me down with the maggots, and then come in fresh to take the victory…"

She then suddenly swung her chúi at Akane. "…IS THAT RIGHT?"

To her, Ryoga, and Tatewaki's surprise, she appeared to disappear right before their eyes. Akane suddenly drove a roundhouse into Shampoo's side, putting her out through another wall. "I don't know what you're talking about; I've been here the whole time…"

Getting up after she rolled along the ground outside, Shampoo looked up to find Akane gone. She looked around for her wildly. "I've been fighting you too…" Akane suddenly dropped down onto her back and drove all five of her fingers into her back with another tiger strike, the force of the blow dropping Shampoo to her knees before she ripped her hand clear, drawing blood.

As she leaped up, Shampoo swung up at her with a chúi, leaving her wide open to Tatewaki as he ran up on her and struck her with a horizontal blow that lifted her up and threw her a good distance. As she regained control of herself in midair, she spotted Mousse descending upon her with his legs extended and razor sharp blades attached to his feet.

"Raking Hawk Talons, shit!" She called out as she thrust a chúi to block his kick. As he withdrew his leg and spun around to lash another kick out, she deflected the blades with her other chúi and the two repelled one another as they began to fall.

"I'm flattered you respect how deadly that technique is." Mousse said as they fell together.

Shampoo narrowed her eyes up at him. She yelled at him in Chinese. "What the Hell happened to you? You're not acting like the Mousse I know!"

"Oh, it's simple." Mousse replied as he spread his arms and used his sleeves to glide. "I really ought to thank you for leaving your shampoo lying around!"

He threw something at her, and Shampoo's eyes went wide when she realized they were grenades with pins freshly pulled. The explosions smashed her into the ground, as Mousse glided to the ground and landed atop a streetlamp that'd been bent by the previous blasts. His weight on it caused it to flicker to life, providing a signal for the others to follow.

Shampoo got up to her feet, and staggered a bit, before she looked up at him. He laughed down at her. "You're not doing so well now, are you?"

Shampoo spat out some blood. "You used the Formula 411 on yourself? Why? What did you forget that that did this?"

Mousse laughed again, and produced three long, narrow swords from both his sleeves as he ignored her question. "Don't lose your cool; your whole advantage will fall apart if you get angry." He looked over to the side. "Oh, and do look out."

Shampoo followed his eyes and then calmly tucked her chúi into her belt as a large tugboat hurtled through the air straight for her prow-on. "Motherfucker."

The tug crashed into its target, and then went on, kicking up sparks that ignited all sorts of spilled oil and other flammable debris before it plowed through the parking lot of the refinery, destroying near every car left behind by the employees when Shampoo showed up. The destruction looked like something straight out of a Godzilla or Michael Bay film.

At the prow, Shampoo held onto the vessel, panting heavily. Taking several deep breaths, she steadied herself and closed her eyes and her fingers dug into its hull. "He threw an entire boat at me. It's go time."

Letting out a scream, she threw the ship high into the air, as Ryoga and Tatewaki fell upon her. Drawing a chúi in her left hand, she blocked the latter's slash and threw the other straight from her belt into his face and grabbed the handle as he went flying back. She spun around and drove the right-hand chúi into Ryoga, who blocked it with his umbrella at the cost of his momentum. Turning around, Shampoo slammed the left-hand chúi down upon his head, driving him face first into the pavement.

Akane suddenly attacked, kneeing her in the face without warning, lifting her off her feet. Shaking her head quickly, Shampoo tried to throw a chúi at her, but missed. _"Damn it, how does she keep doing that?"_

She flipped and landed just in time to avoid Mousse's swords as he threw them for her. Rushing straight for her chúi as she stayed ahead of the blades, she didn't even see Akane slide up to her from the side and catch her in a sweep, sending her tumbling end over end before stopping right at her chúi.

Grabbing it, she got up as Kuno came down on her, slashing for her chest. Quickly she picked up the weapon and blocked it, and then took a punch to the gut from Akane that knocked the wind from her. "Ugh! Die!"

She swung wildly at Akane, who melted from her presence before Ryoga caught her by her arm and raised it high for him to lean in and slug her hard in the face, leaving her open for a strike from Kuno that sent her skidding along the parking lot.

Raising her legs, she sprang to her feet, blood beginning run down her bare midriff, her blood. Watching as Ryoga and Kuno got ready to attack again; she yelled out and charged straight for them. Ryoga's vision focused on her as he readied the Breaking Point. He wouldn't miss this time.

"Come on!" He yelled as Shampoo thrust one of the hammers forth to lead him. The second she saw him thrust a hand forward, she suddenly swung the other chúi into his gut, and a strange, loud sound like a muffled buzz sounded out. Ryoga almost immediately froze, as the color left his face.

Shampoo did not spare a moment to be witty, or even say anything as she drew back the chúi and then slammed the second one close to the same spot. This hit caused Ryoga to immediately vomit blood, and drop to the ground.

"Ryoga!" She heard Akane yell out, and immediately acquired her rushing towards her. In mid-stride, Akane grew horrified that she had slipped up and saw Shampoo begin turning towards her to build momentum.

"I got you!" She yelled as she swung the chúi for Akane. The weapon smashed into Kuno's bokken held with the point down, and seemed to slice through it like a buzz saw rather than a war-hammer, before it struck Kuno dead in the lower stomach. Multiple thuds sounded all at once, as Kuno stopped cold, and let the broken bokken slip from his hands.

"Kuno…" Akane gasped as blood began to bubble from between his lips. His eyes rolling back into his head, he crumpled to the ground, twitching. Her eyes practically glowing red from her murderous intent, Shampoo smiled wickedly at Akane.

Up above, Mousse quickly understood what was going on. "So…she used the speed from Chestnuts Roasting over an Open Fire training to hit multiple times with her chúi at once. Even with Ryoga's breaking point, defending against such an attack is impossible."

He sighed and smiled. "Perfect." He then crouched and sprang into action as Akane threw herself away from another chúi impact tearing up the ground.

"Not so tough when I can see you, are you?" Panting, Shampoo wildly swung at Akane, missing her but knocking her back with the pressure wave. "YOU NOT SO TOUGH WITHOUT YOUR MAGGOT ARMY, ARE YOU?"

Akane recovered and landed. She quickly jogged backward as Shampoo pursued, swinging wildly at her. Whatever she did to take out Ryoga and Kuno would utterly destroy her. She reached for the sash around her waist, as the chúi came for her again. She needed to get back into control, restore her center, and show no fear…there!

In a flashy sweep of fabric, Akane suddenly disappeared from sight, and Shampoo lost her. "Huh?"

She looked around. "How does she fucking do that?"

"Pay attention!" Mousse called out as he got in close and whacked her with a training potty. The porcelain potty shattered into pieces as she staggered forward, her hair falling over her eyes. He could visibly see her aura manifest, as he inched even closer to her. He grinned as he felt the very hands of Death reach to embrace and crush him.

He crept as close as he could, before he spoke. "Don't lose your cool."

Shampoo swung with all of her might, and missed as Mousse sprang up and over it to perform a handspring off the top of her head. As she tried to turn around to counter attack, Akane suddenly fell on her and swung Ryoga's umbrella into the back of her head, sending her into a wall. She only stayed in said wall for less then a second before she blasted her way out; homing in on Akane and swinging the first chúi with such force that when it met the umbrella both shattered.

The second was thrust straight for her head; to knock her head clean off. Staring at the barreling weapon Akane remained entirely calm as she swung her hand up. The chúi flew apart, pieces missing her head by scant inches. Shampoo froze as she watched the weapon fly apart, and then rapidly jumped away when Akane swung for her next.

"What the fuck was that!" She exclaimed in disbelief.

Mousse watched with interest as Akane adopted the Umisenken stance, her fingers hooked in the stance of Preying Mantis Kung Fu. Akane spoke quietly to herself. "Tendo School of Indiscriminate Grappling Secret Technique…Preying Mantis Glass Cutting."

Shampoo tensed up, as she felt her excitement flare. "This is it…"

_Staring at the letter, Shampoo found that it was information. The details of the training Akane and her team were going through, as well as details on the technique that Akane was learning. Immediately, she stopped reading and looked over to an acetylene torch in her office. Walking over, she lit the torch and immediately burned the letter._

"_No. No easy wins, I want to become stronger against these people." She said to herself. _

* * *

"I hand it to you." Shampoo said as she got ready. "Your friends kicked Shampoo ass all over place, and you busting out new moves to take Shampoo down. But now I thinking it's over."

"Don't get cocky." Akane replied coolly, as Mousse landed alongside her. "Until the final blow, it's up in the air."

Shampoo tensed up, and the remaining armor she wore popped from her body before falling to the ground with heavy thuds, against that technique, it wouldn't even be of use. Letting out a sniff, she adopted a stance as Mousse produced Wolverine-like claws this time.

"Come on." She commanded, before she disappeared.

Mousse immediately blocked her kick with the back of his claws before he began dodging her blows with deceptively slow-looking leans and steps that suddenly morphed into blurring, barely visible movements to avoid her faster strikes blocking two low blows and then a fierce punch to his face before he broke his guard and ducked to sweep her as she flipped back from him.

As she landed, she suddenly realized that Akane was missing again, and spun to block her back attack with a raised arm that hooked inside Akane's elbow. Breaking free, Akane snapped two kicks into Shampoo's side before spin-kicking her in the same spot. She then ducked under Shampoo's high kick before attempting a sweep like Mousse. Shampoo jumped over her leg, and immediately shot a kick towards her that was swiftly blocked.

Shampoo jumped back, as Akane whipped the batik cloth around her and vanished. Landing, Shampoo turned and parried Mousse's claw slashes before ducking a kick and responding with a somersault kick that knocked him back. The second she landed, Akane lashed the batik cloth around her head, blinding her, before lifting her up and over her shoulder to drive her head first into the ground. She stood on her head for just a moment before falling onto her stomach with the cloth still tied firmly around it.

"Damn…" Growling it out, Shampoo quickly rolled over, avoiding Mousse and the claws he rammed into the ground where she had laid. Hearing the impact, she pushed herself up on her hands and performed a flare kick striking him with enough force to snap his blades before rising into a handstand and launching into the air off it.

She whipped the cloth off her head and threw it away only to find Akane ascending to meet her with a flying kick that connected with her stomach. This was beginning to piss her off.

_"I don't get it, how can she just disappear and reappear like that? She's not even putting out a presence!"_ She thought as Akane drew back her leg and blocked a return kick from Shampoo. As she used her block as an opportunity to get close, Akane suddenly hooked her fingers and slashed towards her, barely missing her face but still cutting it deep as Shampoo twisted her body to avoid it.

_"Wait, just then…!"_ Shampoo realized as Akane suddenly performed a horizontal spin kick that shot her through the roof of a van.

"Almost…" Akane said as she caught her cloth began to fall towards the ground. The van was suddenly propelled up towards her. "Crap!"

At the last second, she performed Preying Mantis Glass Cutting, slicing clean through the van and sending both halves flying past her.

Shampoo stared as she watched the van fly in half.

_"Don't lose your cool; your whole advantage will fall apart if you get angry."_

"Cool…" She whispered.

Akane fell towards her.

Shampoo recalled Akane's reaction to Ryoga falling.

_"Don't lose your cool."_

She suddenly felt the heat of the flames around her, as she stared at Akane…and felt nothing.

_"Don't lose your…cool."_

Shampoo nodded. "It is over."

She jumped away from the kick that created an explosion of concrete and dirt. Landing on her feet, she waited for Mousse and sure enough there he was, producing a spear and thrusting it for her. "Mousse…I thank you."

Letting go of the spear as he got close, he slashed her as he got close to her and struck out with a large meat cleaver. Orange trails of light, the flames reflecting off the blade, were barely visible to the spectators outside the perimeter of the battle, as he and Shampoo performed their deadly dance.

"Oh?" He asked as she avoided another slash.

"I would've never won…" She said as she dodged another strike. "…If it wasn't for you. So I will give you a pointer…"

She suddenly dropped to his side, faster than he could turn his head. As his eyes turned to follow her, everything became blurry as he tracked her past his glasses. Before he could react, he felt hundreds of punches drive into his stomach.

"Even with your glasses, you have a really nasty blind spot."

Frozen by the pain of the blows, Mousse closed his eyes and smiled. "Thank you for the tip."

"Why did you use the Formula 411?" She asked him.

"The only chance I have at beating you is if I forgot that I ever loved you." He responded. His glasses slipped off his face, and he coughed up blood, before dropping to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Breathing heavily as she stepped away from him, Shampoo stared down at him.

"I'm impressed you are taking it this seriously." She then looked around. "You aiming for my blind spot again?"

She stomped her foot on the ground, shattering it around her and kicking up a wall of debris. Immediately she sensed Akane's attacking intent, and ducked beneath her Glass Cutting slash as it went through the debris launched up in her path. As Akane overshot, she jumped away and got into a fighting stance. Akane landed and turned to face her.

Shampoo cracked her knuckles. "Stop with it, I know how trick work now."

Akane stared at her, maintaining her calm. "We'll see."

"I know how to beat trick, too." At that, Akane just disappeared from her presence, and then rushed in close.

Shampoo tensed. _"Use that cutting trick, and I will see you coming. At the very last second, you will attack but give yourself away!"_

She suddenly sensed it; Akane's killing intent as she began to morph in on her right. "THERE!"

She turned and threw a very fast punch, and her fist went clean through the batik cloth. "…Oh shit!"

Akane came up from below the cloth, connecting to Shampoo's jaw a flying kick she literally threw herself off the ground to launch. Thrown into the air like a rag doll, Shampoo shook the cobwebs out of her head from the hit, and crossed her arms over her chest to block hammer blow Akane drove down into her, sending her plummeting into the sea of fire below.

Thankfully, she landed on one of the structures sticking up from the flames and bounced from it. In midair however, Akane caught her with a kick from the side, launching her into the side of a tower leaning over as it melted from the searing heat. Akane then jumped off the island and gave chase, bouncing from island to island, picking up tremendous speed as she closed in on her felled prey.

Shampoo sprang back up to her feet, and thrust forth her elbow to block the punch that Akane immediately tried to drill into her. The metal of the tower warped and buckled from the force of the impact. Her battle aura forming around her hands as she pulled back, Akane set one foot down and kicked off it to advance on Shampoo with short but deadly slashes.

Quickly on the defensive, Shampoo sped up, using her training to block and parry at Akane's wrists and the middle of her forearms to avoid the aura-imbued hands. Cuts quickly began to appear, first on her arms, and then on her chest, and stomach, and finally on her face before she finally could get her hands inside the reach of Akane's and break her attack by forcing her arms open.

Akane flipped back from the high kick Shampoo launched immediately after her counterattack, but when she landed a trio of throwing knives embedded themselves in her right thigh, just below her ribs, and shoulder. "Ah!"

As she landed, she looked up to see Shampoo holding three more knives in hand. No, she'd fight through the pain, she's suffered worse! As Shampoo threw the knives, Akane ripped the knife in her shoulder out and hurled it at Shampoo's blades, knocking all three out of the air before rushing forward…

…And into the barrage of at least twenty more such knives that Shampoo launched with her blinding fast hands. Undaunted, she swung her hands, fingers open, and slashed through every blade directly in her path, the knives flying apart and away from her as she breezed through the opening she made and rushed straight for her. At the last possible second, Shampoo swiftly drew two larger knives and lunged forward. Both were screaming as they reached one another.

In a flash, they slid to a halt past one another. Panting, Shampoo looked at her knives and smiled as she watched the blood drip from them. Behind her, Akane fell to her knees, blood beginning to pool around her from the dozens of cuts Shampoo left in her.

The blades then fell apart, cut to ribbons as blood sprayed from deep cuts all over Shampoo's front.

She fell to her hands and knees, letting out ragged breaths. Looking back towards Akane, she found the other girl was struggling to get back up, and fought her body's own protest to do the same. Despite it all, she couldn't help but to laugh.

"I…I'm glad I didn't cheat…" She said with a sigh, as she recalled her answer to the letter, which was to crumple it up and burn it without looking at the second letter. "…I would've never had a fight like this."

"Cheat?" Akane asked as she shakily got up to her feet.

"Nevermind…" Shampoo got up, and turned to face her. "…What important, is that I did not. I wanted to fight strong opponents, got smart one instead. But that fine too, being smart is just as good."

Akane didn't know how to take that as she faced Shampoo. "Thanks…I guess."

"But I am going to win." Shampoo then said as she began to withdraw her own aura. Akane blinked, was Shampoo's presence fading? No, it was going cold.

_"Is…is she dying?"_ Akane thought.

Shampoo then smiled as she felt herself growing colder. "Even if by some miracle you did, though…"

Akane blinked. "What?"

"I have already had my fun with him."

The implication stabbed deep into Akane, nearly reaching her heart. Immediately she wobbled as disbelief kicked in, holding on at the very last possible second. Shampoo could see that her words had their effect, though. Her eyes were wide; her face was pale, and that trembling, her entire body was screaming for an impulse, anything to drive her forward. "…W-what did you say?"

Shampoo drove the point home. "Do I have to spell it out slow? Every day you were gone. I…"

Akane went stiff.

"…Fucked…"

She was moving before she even realized it.

"…Him."

Akane let out an enraged roar that drowned out everything else for her, Shampoo, and even the spectators outside as it roused her beaten Seconds from unconsciousness. With all of her might, she lunged forward with Preying Mantis Glass Cutting, aiming straight for Shampoo's heart. Shampoo immediately sidestepped to her left. The wave of her battle aura slashed through the rest of the tower behind her, and blasted through everything in its path, slicing through the refinery and even parting Tokyo Bay for almost a mile out.

Sitting up in the deep crater she had made, Kodachi looked towards the source of Akane's bestial yell in shock. "Was…was that Akane?"

Ignoring her injuries, she began to crawl out of the crater to try to rejoin the battle.

"Come and get me." Shampoo demanded as she jumped away from the berserker as she tried to smash her underneath her fist. Landing on an island in the sea of flame, she barely had a second to stand upon it before Akane hit it like a battleship's full broadside, disintegrating it with a single punch.

As Shampoo landed, her brows rose at the sight of Akane standing up to her hips in the burning oil, the flames licking at her clothes but not even so much as reddening the skin. She then saw Akane begin to fade away and jumped clear as her next island was blasted into bits of rock and molten metal. Landing on a gnarled catwalk, she called out to her. "And it was so, so good too! Ranma is experienced at fucking, did you teach him?"

Akane's approach could be easily seen in the wake she left in the burning fuel, but it was still almost too fast for Shampoo as she again jumped clear. The catwalk exploded under the force of Akane's might. She had only just landed on another island when suddenly Akane shot from the fire, completely unharmed by it and screaming at the top of her lungs as she swung another Glass Cutting strike at her.

"Shit…!" She only barely got out of the way, and received a deep cut in her right arm as she got clear. Her sanctuary was not so lucky, and quickly met the fate of the others before it in an impressive explosion.

Landing again, she maintained her cool as Akane slowly got back up. "It kind of funny…when we done, he said he didn't even know where it came from! He thought it was first time for him!"

Practically breathing fire now, Akane couldn't even speak coherently. Fuck the plan, fuck remaining calm…fuck this bitch! Fuck her with a _God. Damn. Skyscraper._She reacquired and threw herself at Shampoo, performing a flip that turned into an axe kick, which Shampoo evaded and used the destructive force to go sailing through the air towards another island.

Landing, she looked back over her shoulder at Akane. "When I take Beloved back to China, we are going to fuck every day and night, until I pregnant…and then we going to fuck some more."

She jumped again, avoiding Akane, and kept running, jumping from island to island, staying as many as just two and as little as just a half step ahead of her. All along the way, Akane pursued relentlessly, letting every one of her words cut deeper into her, until there was nothing left but anger and sorrow.

The very thought that Shampoo, that she…and Ranma…

Everything went red, and she disappeared from Shampoo's sight.

"Oh shit…!" Shampoo quickly realized as she jumped again, Akane's fist plowing into the ground just as her foot began to leave it. In mid-ascent, Akane suddenly caught up with her. "Fuck!"

She crossed her arms to block the thunderous punch that shot her towards the ground at near supersonic speeds. The impact launched a huge geyser of fire to rise around where she landed, mercifully on a bare patch of the ground surrounded by oil. As she got up from the center of the crater, Shampoo panted heavily before she looked up at Akane, now standing atop the skewed remains of a crane, her entire body alight, and her eyes glowing bright red.

At the edge of the flames, Kodachi could only stare in awe at Akane, less a human and more the embodiment of flame itself. It was just like in her battle with her, only all the more frightening.

"A…Akane-sama…" She whispered without realizing.

Holding out her hand, Akane opened it, and then swung it in a sweeping arc, the remaining stepping stones in the lake of fire quickly destroyed by the projected wave. As Shampoo stared unblinking up at her, she licked her lips. She could feel a chill now despite the furnace-like heat that surrounded her.

"This is the final blow." Akane said in a moment of perceived lucidity, before she leaped into the air and hurtled down towards Shampoo like a demon made of pure fire. All the way she fell towards Shampoo, she roared.

Watching her fall, Shampoo mentally traced the path she led Akane in her pursuit, and nodded as she braced herself. "It is…"

Akane was right on top of her, when Shampoo threw the uppercut.

Still lying on the ground, both Kunos and Ryoga were of the same thought as they stared towards the inferno.

_"…Akane…"_

Outside of the gate, with the battle out of their sight again, Sayuri and Yuka put their hands together and bowed their heads.

_"…Akane…"_

Dr. Tofu, finishing treating another patient despite his worries over the fight, stopped mid-step to his office.

_"…Akane…"_

As Mr. Osmond and Genma played shogi to ease their nerves, both suddenly looked towards its direction, garnering the attention of Nabiki and Soun, who'd been flipping between channels for renewed coverage on the fight.

In the shrine to their mother, Kasumi tightened her fingers together as she prayed.

_"Akane."_

Underneath the tall tree, Gosunkugi raised his hammer, tears running down his face, before he swung and drove the nail completely into the doll pinned to it.

"…Curse you, Akane!"

At the Cat Café, it finally dawned on Cologne as she watched the firestorm from its roof. It all made perfect, horrifying sense now.

"…You are a genius, Great Granddaughter."

Shampoo's uppercut hit like nothing Akane ever felt before, like she'd been shot in the stomach with a cannon shell made of ice. Beneath her, Shampoo smiled as she watched it all begin to happen as though in slow motion. The intense heat of Akane's enraged battle aura, her frozen presence, and the intense flames of the oil fire all came together perfectly, creating a massive tornado that engulfed Akane and rapidly swirled into a gigantic ascending windstorm.

"What the Hell is that?" Hiroshi called out as he saw the expanding wall of the tornado surge out towards them.

Daisuke grabbed him and threw him to the ground as very large objects began getting swept up into the storm and flung in every direction, especially theirs. "Everybody get down!"

Sayuri and Yuka were among those who did not hesitate to listen, as the intense winds blasted through the group. The latter looked up at the rising tornado, and shook her head. This was not good, there was no way it could be anything but bad.

Inside the storm, flung around by the roaring vortices, Akane tried to get a bearing, but every movement she tried to make was brutally punished by the unrelenting winds. It felt like she was being beaten across every inch of her body. Opening one eye as she tumbled through the sky, she could only see where the condensed air of smaller tornadoes inside of the main storm with her…and one of them rising towards her first as a spiral of air and then as a dragon's head before it smashed into her.

Caught in the wind dragon's jaws, she quickly fell free from them before another dragon suddenly smashed into her, throwing her and into the wall cloud of the tornado. Swept into it, Akane was quickly battered by the chunks of debris and wreckage it sucked up before she was flung back into the center and struck by another wind dragon, and another, and another.

As yet another struck her; a very large wind dragon rose up, and opened its mouth to reveal Shampoo riding in its jaws as it homed in for the finishing blow. As she watched her approach, Akane realized it, and from the very beginning the memories she had of Ranma and those that they made together flashed before her eyes.

"HIRYU SHOTEN HA…!"

"Ranma…" She breathed out as Shampoo delivered the finishing blow.

"…MOUGEKI REPPA!"

The Dragon's jaws slammed closed on Akane and soared above the neighboring clouds, just above the full Moon in the sky. Before the other Dragons converged upon it and where it held Akane in its jaws. All struck with explosive force, the blast powerful enough to snuff out the fires below that hadn't been put out by the initial windstorm.

* * *

Ryoga managed to slowly stand up, as he stared in disbelief at the quickly dying tornado. Neither Kuno were in any condition to do anything else other than at the hole in the clouds torn open by the attack. Nearby, Mousse smiled ear to ear.

"Total despair…" He said quietly, before something smashed into the ground nearby at high velocity, kicking up a great deal of dust. It was Akane, face down in the dirt, but as Ryoga watched, he could see she was still alive.

"A…Akane…!" He began to limp towards her. "…Hang on, I…!"

Shampoo landed on him, at about the same velocity as Akane, and created a comical imprint of a sprawled out Ryoga in the concrete. She remained crouched on him for what felt like a long time, panting heavily, before she slowly rose to her feet and began walking towards her. In one hand, she held another long knife.

"You really pushed me." She said in Chinese as she approached Akane. "You broke me down, piece by piece, and then you set on me when I was close enough for you to chance it. You really gave it your all and then some, God damn."

Ryoga looked up, and immediately tried to move. No dice. Shampoo was still talking. "I had to go all out to beat you. You really earned my final technique."

She put her foot on Akane's back. "My only regret is that after this, I will never have an opponent like you again." She then grabbed her by her hair, and lifted her head off the ground as she raised the knife.

"I will tell him goodbye for you."

She swung the knife down.

* * *

_In her Sunday best, Kasumi let her legs kick in the air as she waited for Nabiki to return from saying her final farewell. Next to her, separated by a single chair, Akane was hugging Soun tightly and crying into his side. Their Father looked like he could not cry anymore, but wanted to. She looked back at the floor after observing the two, and took a deep breath._

_It felt like forever before the door opened and Nabiki stepped out. The mask of aloofness she'd begun making since their mother's admittance to the hospice was gone, revealing the scope of her true feelings. Wordlessly, she walked past Kasumi, and all but ignored Akane as she climbed into Soun's lap and buried her face in his chest. Even a girl as smart as her, she was still just a child like the rest of them…_

_"Kasumi-chan…" The somber, yet polite nurse spoke quietly. "You may see her now."_

_"Thank you."_

_Feeling so much older than she was, Kasumi got up and bowed to the nurse before walking down the long, immaculate corridor towards the room their mother was located in. The door was open for her, so she stepped in. Upon seeing her mother, she stopped._

_She was sitting propped up in her bed, dressed in a plain kimono. She was so thin, and pale, ravaged by the wasting. Her eyes were glassy, with the drying trails of tears visible on her cheeks. When Kasumi entered, she looked towards her, and the corners of her lips managed to quirk upward._

_Kasumi remained calm, the excess horror and grief she felt spilled into her sieve, and it held firm. She managed to smile too, and stepped close to her mother's bedside. The nurse had told her, that due to the unstoppable progression, she'd lost the strength to even speak. Soon, it would all be over, it would be a peaceful passing._

_"Mother…" Kasumi reached out and took her mother's hand. It was so clammy, and bony, but there was still warmth there, familiarity. Her mother's fingers closed gently over Kasumi's hand, and the oldest daughter began to cry. The sieve could not handle this. "…I…I don't want you to die…"_

_She tightly held her hand in return. "You can't die…we need you…" Her sorrow overflowed, past the brim of the sieve as it drained through the holes. "Nabiki…Akane…Daddy…we all need you! I…I can't do what you can do…I'm scared…"_

_"…sumi-cha…"_

_Kasumi stopped, and looked at her. But the nurse had said…_

_Her mother's eyes had been directed towards the wheeled table at her bedside. On it sat an envelope. It was addressed for Kasumi. Without hesitation, she picked it up and began to open it. She looked over to her mother as she removed the seal, and she received a slight nod in return. Looking back to the envelope, she opened it and produced the letter._

* * *

Thunder rolled, it had been an hour since that strange tornado erupted from the oil refinery, and everything went quiet. Nabiki had been on her cell phone since, trying to gather any information she could, only to get conflicting reports at best. The only facts she could get out of it was that the battleground had been destroyed, and that everyone involved had left. Before anyone could ascertain further, the authorities had shown up and everyone scattered.

Kasumi looked over to her Father, who was nursing sake with Genma and Mr. Osmond. Why was she the only on who found it odd that a beloved American television and film star was sitting in their house drinking with them? Not even Nabiki had asked about it, which was even stranger. Still, everyone was worried.

"I'm sure she won." Genma said to Soun, who set down his saucer after draining it. "She's a brilliant and stubborn girl; it will not be so easy for Shampoo."

Soun nodded in agreement, as Donny refilled the saucer. "After all, if she loses, then our schools will never be joined."

Kasumi was going to give him the benefit of being drunk, and let that anger go. More thunder rumbled, and only then did she realize that it was coming down cats and dogs out there. That only worried her more. What if Akane was hurt?

"Nabiki-chan, did you call Doctor Tofu?" She asked.

"I just got off the phone with him. He rushed over to the fight when he saw that tornado, but by the time he got there, everyone had split…"

"What about the Cat Café?" She asked.

Nabiki snorted. "No sign of Shampoo either, but the old crone is bragging that she won."

"HA!" Soun suddenly barked drunkenly. "Akane is the heir to the Tendo School of Anything Goes Martial Arts! She will prevail!"

Nabiki stared at her Father. "The who of what now?"

There was a pounding at the front door, and everyone froze. All eyes fell to Kasumi, who nodded and turned down the hallway while Soun continued drunkenly boasting and demanding that Nabiki call the Cat Café back so he could give Cologne a verbal beating "worse than what Akane gave to Shampoo". The commotion fell on Kasumi's deaf ears as the rising apprehension began to overwhelm her senses.

Bad things came in threes. What was their third tragedy? When she opened the door, she found out.

It was Kodachi, carrying Akane in her arms. Akane was staring blankly ahead, her once long hair cut at the neck. In a very solemn voice, Kodachi spoke.

"…We were beaten."

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading, guys.


	16. The Post War Era

Disclaimer: I'd say this story is less of a train wreck and more of a natural disaster.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
The Third Sino-Japanese War 7: The Post-War Era

_Back to Zero_

**[16.]**

"I'm sorry, old friend." Donny said to Genma, as he stood on the doorstep of the Tendo Dojo.

The elder Saotome, in Panda form, nodded and held up a sign. "We truly did what we could; it is no one's fault. She was the better opponent."

"I wish you the best of luck Genma-san, and I will pray for the best." Donny bowed solemnly to Genma.

The Panda flipped his sign around. "Give my best wishes to your family. Farewell, my friend, and may your journey home be a safe one."

With the final acknowledgment, Donny quietly exited the Dojo compound, powered up, and flew off into the sky with a streak of light. Genma watched him go in admiration; truly he was a Master greater than his own. On the other hand, being a better Master than his was an easy feat.

Letting out a growl-like sigh, Genma turned and headed back into the Dojo. Nabiki had left again, to find that Gosunkugi boy and destroy even the very concept of his existence, and Kasumi was cooking breakfast, leaving Soun and Kodachi gathered at the table. The latter looked up at Genma, who held up a sign.

"What happened to your brother and Ryoga?" It read.

"I left my brother behind, but I'm certain that our servant recovered him and is tending to his injuries. Ryoga, I do not know. The last I saw of him were a pile of clothes as the rain started falling." She answered. "I was too focused on bringing Akane back to notice anything else."

The normally outspoken woman was very quiet, almost sympathetic sounding–it kind of put Genma off. Nevertheless he nodded in understanding and turned his sign around again. "Thank you for doing what you could."

"It was an honor." Kodachi said quietly.

Genma flipped the sign around. "Please take care of Akane." He then bowed.

Kodachi immediately flushed. "W-what are you implying? I did this for Ranma-sama, not her!"

The sign flipped again. "Oh, yes, of course."

She could read the sarcasm coming from the sign. "I really did, you lout! And how do you change the sign like that so quickly?"

Soun immediately shot up. "Saotome, you must find your wife and produce another son, quickly!"

Genma stared at Soun, and promptly shook his head. Like Hell was he looking for his wife, not after this disaster! He'd much more happily fake his death and live as a Tibetan Monk for the rest of his days than face the tanto. At the denial, Soun flew into a fury and grabbed the Panda-Man by the fur of his chest before shaking him.

"You are going to take responsibility for this, Saotome! It was your idea to join our schools, and it was your idea to train Akane, and it was your idea to challenge Shampoo! This is as much your loss as it is hers and you are going to fix this!" He transformed into the visage of a demon, glowing eyes, horns and all. "DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"

Genma whacked Soun with a sign, Soun quickly attacked with a sword. As the two patriarchs began to clash sign vs. blade, Kasumi walked in with breakfast and set it down, ignoring the combat going on around her. She looked to Kodachi. "Has Dr. Tofu finished, yet?"

Kodachi shook her head. "He's still upstairs from what I've seen."

"Ah…" Kasumi served Kodachi her plate, and filled others for when her Father and Genma stopped fighting.

Kodachi looked at her food, and then up to Kasumi. "Will Akane be okay?"

Kasumi was going to be honest. Her youngest sister had had her heart ripped out for the second time in her life, this time by force. How could anyone just come back from that? "I don't know."

Returning her gaze to her food, Kodachi let out a sigh. Kasumi wasn't going to be cruel as Genma was. "Don't worry, Kodachi-chan, everything will be alright."

Kodachi hummed back, her words were a small comfort. Accepting this, Kasumi turned and headed for the stairs to check on Akane. When she reached the top of them, she found Dr. Tofu.

"Ah! Kasumi! Hi!" Dr. Tofu bleated out as his glasses went opaque and he began babbling.

"How is Akane?" She asked.

Tofu stared at Kasumi. "How is she? Did something happen to her?"

"She was in a fight…" Kasumi replied.

"Oh! I bet she won again!" He laughed nervously. Kasumi reminded herself that Dr. Tofu was always eccentric and weird, and it couldn't be helped. "Anyway, I checked on the girl in there and she's just fine except for well, just about everything! But now I really have to be going now, bye~!"

He immediately walked into Nabiki's room. "Ah, this will be a nice place to lie down for a bit."

"That's Nabiki-chan's room, Doctor." Kasumi helpfully noted.

"Ah! So it is! She has a very nice room." Dr. Tofu emerged and headed for Kasumi's.

Kasumi stopped him. "That's my room, Doctor; you want to use the stairs."

He stopped and stared at Kasumi's door, before he performed an about face and walked over to the stairs. "Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my…"

She watched him go, with steam billowing off his head, and shook hers. Even with everything as bleak as it felt, he didn't fail to lighten things up. She turned to Akane's door, and opened it. "Akane-chan?"

* * *

Akane was sitting on her bed, propped up by pillows and staring at her hands on her lap. She was holding the shorn off remains of her hair, still tied at the end by a dark-colored ribbon. When Kasumi entered the room, Akane didn't react; she just continued staring down at her hands.

It broke her heart to see her like this. It reminded her of mother on her deathbed. "Akane…" She looked at her ruined hair atop her head. "…Would you like for me to trim up your hair, make it look nice?"

She walked over as Akane just tightened her grip on her ruined hair. She bowed her head and looked at the two dog-eared tresses that hung in front of her ears and over her cheeks. She surprised Kasumi when she spoke.

"You may as well." She whispered bitterly. Kasumi sat down on the edge of the bed. Akane spoke again. "When a girl loses her lover, she's supposed to cut her hair, isn't she? Shampoo just did most of the work for me…"

Kasumi couldn't say anything to that. The fact that she lost was an undeniable truth. Producing a pair of scissors, she situated herself behind Akane comfortably, and quietly got to work, clipping away the jagged cuts and uneven strands of hair.

"I couldn't save him." She whispered. "The Ranma I knew is gone, forever."

Kasumi kept clipping, as Akane began to vent her feelings out. "Because I couldn't win…"

She looked at her hands. "I couldn't protect the one thing that meant the most to me. How am I a martial artist?"

She closed her hands into fists. "At least there are plenty of boys out there, right? It's not like I've never had any problem with gaining admirers."

Akane let out a weak chuckle. "I'm sure that in a few years, I'll look back on this and laugh. Everything will be okay then…I'll meet some nice guy, maybe a doctor or something, and he'll remind me of what it's like to be happy again, and I'll be able to let it all go."

"Yeah, I'll meet a guy who likes me for who I am and he'll trust me, and love me because we understand each other so well." Tears began to spill down her cheeks. "He won't care that I'm bad tempered, and that I can't swim, and that I'm a nerd."

She buried her face in her hands, causing Kasumi to stop cutting. "And he won't care that I'm violent in my sleep and that I'm an awful cook…and…and I'll be able to accept that he's not Ranma…"

Akane began to sob, and she did for a long time, crying into her hands. Finally, she lowered them, her palms soaked in her tears. "…Kasumi…I…I don't want to live without him."

The tone of those words sent an icy chill through Kasumi, as she looked down at the back of her little sister's head with wide eyes. "Akane-chan, don't say that…"

"I don't want to live." Akane insisted with a quiet sniffle. "It hurts to even breathe."

Kasumi shook her head. "Please, Akane, don't say those things!"

"From the moment she said it…" Akane whispered. "…I should've just let her kill me."

Kasumi stopped. "Said what? What did Shampoo say to you?"

Akane sniffled again, and just stared down at her hands again. She didn't even bother to censor herself for Kasumi's sake. "Every day that I had been training…she and Ranma had been fucking."

It was Kasumi's turn to be quiet for a long time.

_"Dear Kasumi,_

_"I haven't much time left, so I wanted to tell you all the things I thought I'd never get the chance to. First off, I am proud of you. From the moment you were born, you were a terror, a mischievous and wild child who could put Nabiki's antics to shame, and you were a bully too–it hurt when you kicked you know! Your Father, however, took that energy, and that aggression and he turned you into a martial artist, and with that discipline you became a good child, a wonderful child. I can sit here and say that I have no regrets because of how you turned out._

_"It pains me deeply that I won't be able to see you girls grow into women, I want the best for all of you, I want you to be strong like your Father, and stubborn like me. And I want you to find wonderful men who will become great husbands, and I want you to have many children. It was my dream to spoil grandchildren! But until you get there, I need you Kasumi to do something for me, and I hate to ask you this because…well, it's going to be a burden on you._

_"Be there for your sisters. You are the oldest child, the one who welcomed Nabiki-chan and Akane-chan into the world along with us. It's your duty, as a big sister, to guide and watch over and protect them. They'll be defiant and try to take care of themselves–and they will do a good job of it–but there will be times when all will feel lost to them, even hope. When those times come, whatever it takes, be their hope._

_"I love you, Kasumi. I love Akane-chan. I love Nabiki-chan. I love your Father. All of my happiest memories are of all of you, and I want you all to be happy, even when I'm gone. So restore their happiness, Kasumi, and preserve it. You are the matriarch of our home now._

_P.S. Take care of your Father, too, and when he's healed please find him a good woman. He's always been the overemotional; it's part of why I love him, so try to play that up as a pro okay?"_

_Kasumi stared at the letter, and then looked up from it to her mother's weakly smiling face. Blinking away her tears, she took a step forward and hugged her as carefully as she could. "Mother…"_

_Ttime passed and scenes changed, to the Tendo Family standing in front of the family plot, and the grave stone with their mother's name newly etched into it. As Soun tearfully prayed to it, and Akane found comfort from Nabiki, Kasumi clutched the letter to her chest._

_"…I accept your dying wish."_

Kasumi quietly finished clipping away the worst damage to Akane's hair, and got up from the bed. Akane stared at her as she stood in the middle of her room. "That's just too cruel, Shampoo."

"…Kasumi?"

She didn't hear her. Closing her eyes, Kasumi suddenly found herself standing in front of the kitchen sink, and a very large sieve full to the brim and still filling. Reaching out, she took it by the handles, and picked it up.

* * *

Moments Doctor Tofu was on his way back to his clinic and quietly berating himself for falling into his self-induced madness around her. "Once again Tofu, you make a fool of yourself. I think it's time to follow through and finally seek that therapy."

He noticed someone walk past him, and couldn't believe it when he saw Kasumi walking her ponytail waving gently behind as she walked down the street and towards the Cat Café. What startled Tofu the most was that he was staring directly at Kasumi, and he still had his wits about him.

"Kasumi…?" He asked.

She noticed and smiled to him. Tofu continued to stare, something had changed about Kasumi, it was unlike anything he ever felt as he looked upon her. "Hello Doctor Tofu."

"Hello Kasumi…" He replied, how was he able to speak to her?

Kasumi nodded to him, and then looked down the road ahead of her before she kept going. "I'm going to get Ranma, please go back and tell everyone that I'll be back soon."

"Of course," Dr. Tofu replied as Kasumi walked away. Watching her go, it kind of hit him after the fact that for a moment there he could've told her how he felt…and immediately removed his glasses before grabbing a nearby electrical pole and driving his face into it.

* * *

On the roof of the Cat Café, Ranma stared up in curiosity at the streak of light that was Donny Osmond as it shot quickly out of Tokyo's air space. That wasn't something you saw every day. Watching the streak fade off into the distance, he sighed and brought his attention down to his hands, which were swathed in bandages along with his arms up to his elbows. Over the past few days, he'd been learning one of Shampoo's techniques from Cologne, and he was beginning to get the hang of it, but still had a ways to go. He figured maybe another day of practice and he'd get it. It still hurt like a motherfucker, though.

Mousse approached him from behind, and Ranma's eyes narrowed when he heard him. Just before the fight he had stopped by and spoken with him, and unlike some things recently, Ranma hadn't forgotten about it:

_"You're not coming?" Mousse asked, the setting sun casting long his and Ranma's shadows long across the roof._

_"The only ones who need help are you guys. What are you doing here?"_

_"I came to laugh at you." Mousse grinned. "You have a lot of faith in Shampoo, don't you?"_

_"Of course I do." Ranma retorted._

_Mousse kept grinning. "You certainly believe in someone you don't really know."_

_Ranma was put aback by that. He narrowed his eyes at Mousse. "What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"Trust is something earned, not given. You can trust Shampoo against five opponents on her own, with no help from anyone?" Mousse asked._

_"Of course I can…" Ranma paused._

_"Can you?" Mousse looked down at Ranma, the sun glinting off his glasses. "Or do you just feel compelled to? Because she's your lover, and all you can think to do is trust?"_

_Ranma brought his hand to his head, blinking. "I…"_

_Mousse then attacked. "What has she done to earn that ironclad trust?"_

_His eyes widening, Ranma tried to recall something, anything to that effect…and immediately saw an image of Akane. The pain lashed into him then, and he gripped the sides of his head, screaming in agony. Falling to his knees, he rested his head against the ground, groaning in agony as he was forced to forget it. Watching him, Mousse threw his head back and laughed loudly, sadistically._

_"Don't you worry, there's no way Akane can win. I'll see to it." Mousse said, before he left._

Ranma slowly turned his head back and looked at Mousse, now swathed in bandages. He got up to his feet and faced him. "You and I need to talk."

Mousse smiled a little. "You've look like you've got questions."

"Yeah I do. Did you help Shampoo?" Ranma asked.

"Yes." Mousse replied.

"Why?"

"Is it such a mystery? I wanted her to win."

That threw Ranma off. He pressed his questions. "Why did you want her to win? She gets to have me, and you don't have a chance with her anymore. Not even the slimmest one."

Mousse smiled. "I helped her win because I still feel something for her."

Ranma scowled at him. "What?"

"Hatred," Mousse replied.

Ranma stood up and faced him completely. "You hate her?"

"Yes, I hate her, and I want to see her completely miserable," Mousse replied, "Just like she's made me feel for years, and years."

Furious, Ranma stomped towards Mousse and grabbed him by the collar. "Is that so? I won't let you hurt her!"

Mousse grinned. "That's noble of you, but what reason do you have to love her?"

Ranma tried to answer, he stopped. Why did he love Shampoo? She was nice and all, and really cared for him, but there was always a distance he felt from her often…especially since their outing with Kasumi.

"I don't know…" Ranma said, in confusion. That didn't make any sense. Then when he thought back, he could not remember much of anything in the way of spending time with Shampoo, and connecting with her as deeply as he felt he was. He remembered knocking her out, and then leaving but he didn't know why…and then…

"Ugh…" He let go of Mousse and clutched the sides of his head. "Shit, it hurts…"

Standing over the suffering young man, Mousse smiled broadly. "Does it hurt when you think about Akane?"

"Akane…?' It hurt even more, and Ranma yelled in pain. Mousse laughed loudly and hatefully at Ranma's scream.

"Yes, you and Shampoo are perfect for each other. The misery the two of you bring each other is just the best" He taunted, before he noticed someone coming up the path towards the restaurant. Looking over, he paused when he saw it was Kasumi. "What?"

* * *

Shampoo examined her reflection in the mirror in her room. There'd be a few new scars, but nothing ugly, she had to hand it to Akane for being so clean with her cuts unlike everyone else with how they whacked her about. Letting out a sigh, she got dressed and opened the door before making for the stairs. She almost reached them when Cologne stopped her.

"I've meant to congratulate you on your victory." Cologne said as she regarded Shampoo carefully. "Once again, you've vastly exceeded my expectations."

"Thank you, Great Grandma." Shampoo replied, and once more she felt uneasy under her praise.

Cologne closed her eyes. "So then, you are still unhappy?"

She expected Shampoo's answer. "Yes."

And Cologne had her suspicions as to why she felt that way. "I'm beginning to regret sending you to Thailand; you have learned the wrong lesson from that place."

Shampoo stared at her. "What do you mean?"

"Those people there, they keep fighting, they keep killing, their world is endless conflict and through it they are immensely powerful."

Shampoo nodded. "It is."

That troubled the elder, who nodded in understanding. "And you see this as the ideal world?"

She nodded again. "Yes."

Cologne opened her eyes. "You are young, and have much to learn. There is more to this world than the pursuit of power through conflict."

At that, Shampoo stared at her. "But you said…"

"Let me finish, child!" Cologne continued. "A person must pursue strength no matter what, it is a tenant of a martial artist to seek limits and surpass them. However, strength comes in many forms. Those who seek strength solely through conflict walk down a violent path that leads only to self-destruction."

Cologne gave Shampoo a pointed look as she finished. "I did not walk down that path."

"Then what path did you walk?" Shampoo responded. "Because my journey just started, and it's already at its end."

The hint of petulance in her tone said it all completely. Cologne knocked her on the head with her staff. "That is nonsense! Merely because you cannot fight and kill to your heart's content, does not mean the journey is over! I have borne many a strong warrior into this world, and I have raised them all myself, and I have seen to their children's children including and especially you. Yet I still walked the path of a martial artist, and I have no regrets to that!"

Shampoo frowned, and then looked away. Cologne pressed on. "I sent you to Thailand to stand at the precipice and view the abyss for yourself. You do not want to go over it like Shenhua has, and become a self-destructive fool like her and that devil of a man, Happosai."

Mousse came bounding down the stairs, and rushed past them. "Old woman, Akane's sister is here and she wants to talk to Shampoo."

Shampoo looked towards the door, and then followed Mousse out. Cologne frowned, and a foreboding feeling came to her. "What twists and turns will this take now?"

* * *

Shampoo emerged from the Cat Café, followed by Cologne. Staring at the eerily calm young woman for a moment, the Joketsuzoku Elder looked to Shampoo. Her Great Granddaughter was staring pointedly at Kasumi, similarly wondering what she was doing here. Mousse and Ranma were tense as they observed Kasumi, whose gaze immediately locked on Shampoo

Shampoo asked Kasumi aloud. "What are you doing here?

"I am at my limit, Shampoo." Kasumi said. With her words, Shampoo immediately tensed up. Something was wrong, that perpetual calm she always noticed before, it wasn't there. There was only a void. Cologne's eyes opened wide and she gripped her staff, when she noticed it as well.

Shampoo lowered the hand she had behind her back, revealing a revolver grenade launcher. "So what, you're going to come along and try to be the big hero? You Japanese are bad losers."

Kasumi's response was quick. "Akane fought her battle and she lost to you. I was ready to accept this, and help her through this tragedy. But…"

Kasumi shook, the sieve was overflowing–cascading over the edges faster than it could exit through the bottom. "I could not bear to see her like that any longer, twisted up and coming apart as the best thing to happen to her in her life was torn completely away from her."

Shampoo pointed her Grenade Launcher at Kasumi. "Then she shouldn't have lost. Grit your teeth and bear it. I taking Ranma, that is the law."

"Yes." Kasumi's retort caught Shampoo aback. "The law is the law…even if you hate it."

Shampoo stared down the sight at Kasumi, wide-eyed. Kasumi continued. "When you told me, that day 'Village Law is Village Law', you sounded sad. I know from experience, when something is deeply troubling someone."

"What do you know?" Shampoo snapped at her. Mousse growled, this was not going as planned.

"I know when my little sisters are trying to put up a strong front, when they're falling apart on the inside…and you are just like them. I realized the only reason you were taking Ranma was because your laws said so, not because you actually want to. Is some small part of you regretting that you won now?" Kasumi responded.

Ranma looked at Shampoo, confused, as Shampoo, her hand trembling, lowered the grenade launcher. Kasumi nodded as tears began to form in Shampoo's eyes. Before she could say anything, it was Cologne who spoke.

"It was never Shampoo's intention to be wed so young." Cologne replied as Shampoo bowed her head. "She set out on her journey to reclaim her pride as a warrior, not bring home a husband."

"That…" Ranma's confusion peaked, before he brought his hand to the side of his head. "…That makes no sense, I remember…"

Shampoo sobbed. "It is a lie! They're all lies! I had to bring you home and make you my husband! Village law demanded it and nothing else! If I could…I'd give you back to her, I'd even apologize for everything because…because…!"

She brought her arm up to cover her eyes, unable to stop her tears. "I really liked you guys! You were so nice, and I wanted to you to be my friends!"

"_No, it's not supposed to happen like this!"_ Mousse thought as he turned his attention to Kasumi and readied his weapons. Ranma was just stunned by the revelation, and he lowered his hand as disbelief warred with the truth.

"I don't want this…" Shampoo said as she wept. "…I want to keep going on this journey. I want to become stronger next to people like Ranma, and Akane! I just want to see this whole wide world and everything it can offer me!"

"Then accept my challenge." Kasumi said, cutting through Shampoo's despair. "If I win, I take Ranma back to Akane, and you will never be allowed to come after him. If you win, you have to take him back."

"That's a sucker bet!" Mousse snarled.

"But if you don't come at me with everything you have, Shampoo, and fight me to win!" Kasumi yelled out, cutting Mousse off. "I will forfeit and you will take Ranma and neither of you will come back to Japan again!"

In her innermost thoughts, the sieve fell from Kasumi's hands, tipping over and spilling its contents everywhere. With it Kasumi's battle aura erupted, creating an immense pressure that even shocked Cologne as she attempted to withstand it. Kasumi then yelled out, with all of her fury.

"FIGHT ME LIKE YOU WANT TO WIN AND SHOW ME YOU WANT TO BE STRONG!"

All eyes went to Shampoo, who sniffled a few times and bowed her head. Wiping her tears, she lowered her arm and took a deep breath. Her sniffling turned into deep breaths as she raised her head, her mouth turned up into a big smile. She then pointed her grenade launcher at Kasumi. "You're on! Show me what you're made of, bitch!"

Kasumi grinned.

* * *

Mousse looked over to Cologne. "H-hey, you're not going to just let her do this, are you?"

Cologne smiled and ignored, just from the immense pressure Kasumi was giving off; she already knew the outcome of this battle. "Shampoo, do you need anything else, like time to prepare?"

Shampoo did a mental check of her status. She'd fought at worse, and thanks to Great Grandma her injuries were a no factor. A good night's sleep had restored her to her peak strength. "No, she coming at me as she is, so I'm going to fight her as I am!"

Nodding, Cologne stood aside. "Very well, go and fight to your heart's content!"

Fitting Kasumi squarely into the sights of the weapon, she fired it as Ranma and Mousse quickly got clear. The round hit the side of a building behind her. Shampoo blinked. "Eh?"

Once again, the crosshairs were lowered squarely onto Kasumi, and she fired again. The round missed even worse, hitting the roof of a house further down the street. Quickly, Shampoo switched weapons, drawing a smaller single-shot grenade launcher and firing it at Kasumi. The round exploded in the middle of the street behind her.

Kasumi placidly stared back at her. At Shampoo's side, Cologne's eyes bugged out as she caught what was really happening. "Oh dear…"

Shampoo reloaded and fired again with a look of slight frustration, and Cologne clearly watched Kasumi's hand reach up, pluck the grenade out of the air, and toss it over her shoulder all in one smooth motion.

As the grenade exploded behind her, Kasumi sprang into action, closing the distance between her and Shampoo at surprising speed. The single-shot grenade launcher was immediately shoved into her face, and as Shampoo pulled the trigger Kasumi smoothly grabbed it by its barrel and pointed it up to discharge harmlessly before twisting it and guiding it out of her hand.

The second grenade launcher was brought to bear. Flipping the single-shot to grab it by the handle, she blocked and parried the weapon before knocking it out of Shampoo's hand as she grabbed her by the shoulder and rounded her to shove her to the ground with a thud.

On the ground, Shampoo quickly rolled up onto her feet and stared at Kasumi. That was incredible.

Kasumi broke the single shot grenade launcher in her hands, and then tossed the pieces to the ground. Producing a pair of knives, Shampoo threw them at Kasumi, and then immediately rushed in after them with a third knife ready. As she closed in, she could see her knives hurtle towards her, before they suddenly vanished. She searched for them, and saw a gleam of light reflecting off metal enter her peripheral vision before she was suddenly and narrowly dodging one of her own knives.

Shampoo immediately stopped and staggered back from Kasumi, standing stock still but now holding a knife in her hand. The other knife was in the side of an electrical pole to their left.

_"That speed…she's much faster than Shampoo."_ Mousse realized as he stared at Kasumi. _"This woman could ruin everything…"_

The grip on the knife in her hand tightening, Shampoo began to walk in a circle around Kasumi.

"You're pretty good." Shampoo eagerly complemented, before she suddenly became a blur, striking repeatedly for Kasumi's face. Quickly, Kasumi raised her hands to deflect the strikes, before ducking underneath Shampoo's follow-up kick and attempting to sweep her planted leg from under her.

She missed however, as Shampoo leaped off her planted foot, raised it, and then brought it down like an axe upon Kasumi's head. The warrior girl's heel came down on Kasumi's crossed hands, and then she was thrown backward end over end when she uncrossed them. Tightening into a flip, Shampoo landed and caught herself before she could lose any ground.

Her eyes widened, when she found Kasumi directly inside her guard, staring her straight into her eyes. Raising her right hand up, Kasumi plowed the back of her fist into Shampoo's face, knocking her off her feet. Walking forward, Kasumi's arm below the shoulder became an invisible blur as the impacts suspended Shampoo off the ground.

Suddenly the barrage of hits stopped, and Shampoo's world focused long enough to see Kasumi's closing in to finish her off. At the last possible moment, however, Mousse interposed himself between them and slashed at Kasumi with a pair of katana. "Don't take a step closer!"

Kasumi gracefully flipped backward, and landed in the thick of an all out alpha strike. Every weapon in Mousse's arsenal hurtling towards her, aimed for her vitals and everywhere else. At the other end of the attack, Mousse stared at her with fury and desperation all over his features.

"You won't ruin this!" He roared. "I was so close…everything was coming together perfectly…I would let you defeat her!"

Ranma landed in front of Kasumi, and in an instant Mousse's weapons were splashing away from the two of them, knocked in every possible direction away from Ranma and Kasumi as though they were hitting an invisible barrier. When the last weapon, a plunger, clattered to the ground, Ranma lowered his hands. The bandages had come undone, and stream was rising from his hands and arms, which were a bad red up to the elbows like they'd been scalded.

"Saotome School of Indiscriminate Grappling Style…Chestnuts Cooking at the Bottom of a Deep Fryer Fist." Ranma introduced the blisteringly fast technique.

Kasumi smiled. "That's impressive, Ranma-kun!"

Mousse's glasses slid down his nose a bit. "Impossible…! You idiot, you should be helping Shampoo, aren't you in love with her?"

Ranma smirked. "I am, and I want Shampoo to be happy. The only way she will be is if she's allowed to have this fight!"

"Now could you please get out of the way? You're interrupting our fight." Kasumi added before she stopped. "Oh, nevermind."

Mousse quickly looked back, and just in time for one of Shampoo's chúi to connect with his face…nearly two hundred times in an instant. Like a rocket Mousse was sent flying into the air, a crack signifying his breaking the sound barrier mid-flight. Lowering the weapon, Shampoo turned to Kasumi as Ranma quickly got out of the way.

"So then, where were we?" She asked as she held both weapons ready. Kasumi assumed one of Ranma's stances and laughed as she hopped from one foot to the other. Then, like gunshots, both women raced towards each other and leaped to attack.

* * *

At a café in a denser part of town, Sayuri picked at a yogurt parfait as Yuka sipped a cup of coffee. Both were thinking, like many people, what their options were now that Akane and Ranma were done for. After taking a bite out of it, she looked over to Yuka.

"Maybe he'll get his memory back." She said optimistically.

"Or maybe it's permanent…" Yuka dreaded after a sip of her coffee. "If not that, there's no telling how long it'll take to wear off."

Yuka looked down at her coffee. "She must be so heartbroken right now. After all she and Ranma went through, to be torn apart like this…"

Neither noticed the man in a trench coat and fedora in the booth behind them turning an ear to their conversation. Sayuri spoke. "Ranma was the best guy for her; I'd say he's Shinnosuke-tier in terms of nice boys, if you ask me."

"Mm, oh yes he definitely is." Yuka concurred. "I'm kind of torn, do we try to help her get over it, or hold out hope that Ranma will come back to her?"

The man in the trench coat leaned over more at that. Sayuri hummed. "Well, I'm not sure of that myself. What do you think?"

"I think we hold out hope that Ranma comes back." At that, the eavesdropper sagged in despair. "Their story's just beginning after all, it can't end like this."

"No, it can't." Sayuri agreed and took a sip of her coffee.

"Maybe…" The eavesdropper said in a soft voice. "It's the start of a new story?"

Both Sayuri and Yuka looked at him. He didn't turn back, out of fear of revealing his identity. "Have you considered that Akane didn't want to marry him from the start? This is a chance for her to be free of that obligation, and meet someone who she can genuinely fall in love with, and be happy with. Or, maybe realize there was someone who always loved her from the start, and can make her happy if she just stopped for a second and explored those other options."

Sayuri and Yuka stared at the disguised man, as someone walked over to his table. The former then offered a rebuttal. "But what if Akane actually loved Ranma?"

"You know, like she clearly does." The latter added.

"After what he put her through, why would she?" He replied, before he noticed the person who walked over to the table. "Huh?"

"What's up, bitch? Did you really think you could hide from me?" Nabiki asked, and the eavesdropper recoiled to the divider the booth was situated against. His impact knocked his hat off his head, revealing him to be none other than Hikaru Gosunkugi.

"Ah…N-Nabiki…" He whimpered, knowing that the beating he was about to be subjected to–even if it was from someone as normal as Nabiki–was going to be the stuff of legends.

Both Sayuri and Yuka were on their feet, both glaring down at Gosunkugi. "Gosunkugi you creep!"

"Of course you'd think that, you stalker!" Yuka snapped after Sayuri.

Gosunkugi gulped, as he tried to scramble back from Nabiki, but that accursed panic was inhibiting the logic that told him to climb over the divider blocking his path and flee. Instead, he tried to argue his position. "Akane doesn't deserve a guy like him! With all the fights she's been in because of him, and how badly she's been hurt, why would anyone want to be stuck with a guy like him?"

Frankly, he was surprised she didn't hit him for all of the perceived infractions he's seen Ranma commit. Nabiki stared down at Gosunkugi, and responded to his argument accordingly. "You're a moron."

Both of Akane's friends were agreement, with Sayuri offering this: "You're blowing how they act way out of proportion."

Yuka liberally donated this gem: "Ranma's no saint, but he's not a total jerk either, neither is Akane. But she still loves him."

Nabiki put one foot up on the booth's bench and rested her arm on her knee as she sized up Gosunkugi like the future extensive bodily harm victim he was. "So then, how badly should I beat you?"

She then looked down at something she had in her hand, and then held up the very cane he hit her with. "Maybe I should pay you back with interest?" Tapping the hooked end of the cane against his nose, she grinned. "Or maybe I can take what you owe me out of your ass."

That made Gosunkugi even paler than some blue haired anime chicks, before he saw something out large windows behind Nabiki, Sayuri, and Yuka–a truck hurtling towards them at a high velocity, in the air. Yuka noticed it in time, to tackle both Sayuri and Nabiki to the ground and clear of the truck's path as it plowed into Gosunkugi's booth…and stop just inches short of crushing him with its damaged horn blaring.

As Gosunkugi fainted dead away, Nabiki stood up and looked at the truck sitting where they had been standing just a few seconds ago. "What…what the fuck?"

She looked at the hole in the café, and down the street the truck had come from. Neither she or Sayuri and Yuka could believe what they saw. Shampoo was on her feet but bloodied, as she faced the crater created by Kasumi falling from a very high height and punching the street in an effort to hit her. The force of the impact had thrown everything immediately close to ground zero through the air in different directions, including the truck that had almost parked itself on Nabiki's back.

Her eyes grew wide. "No way…"

* * *

Droplets of sweat and blood hitting the ground at her feet, Shampoo clutched at her ribs as she stared at Kasumi. This fight, it was in-fucking-credible. This woman may have been years out of practice, but it just made no difference. It was taking all of Shampoo's skill and knowledge to just stay outside of her reach. Kasumi had destroyed her chúi with her bare hands, broken every weapon she had thrown at her, and any hit she landed on the woman barely moved her. This was a one-sided drag-out, all out beat down and Shampoo loved every second of it!

Kasumi smiled, and taunted her. "Give up?"

Shampoo immediately laughed at that. "I survived this long. I not just handing in the towel, I will fight you until every bone in my body is broken!"

Nabiki was dumbstruck. "Is that Kasumi?"

"It looks like her." Yuka said. It didn't make sense though; Kasumi wasn't a fighter, was she?

Sayuri noticed the damage that had been done to the street. "Did Shampoo and Kasumi do all of this? Whoa."

Kasumi laughed. "Okay. I guess I'll stop messing around, then."

As Shampoo, Nabiki, Sayuri, Yuka, and the countless hapless spectators watched, Kasumi raised one arm and lowered the other before swinging them in a wide, slow half circle and then assumed a plain, Bruce Lee-style on guard position not unlike Ranma's own stance. The only difference came from the massive expulsion of battle aura that filled the entire street with a dark red glow and tore up the street in both directions, carving a deep gash in it.

When the wave lashed against Shampoo, she crossed her arms in front of her to bear the brunt of it, and her eyes flew wide at the depth and scope of the power unleashed. _"Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit."_

She looked over her crossed arms at Kasumi, whose aura rendered her a silhouette. The next thing Shampoo knew, Kasumi's fist was breaking her guard and slamming into her jaw, the force of the blow ripping apart the street behind her. As she fell backward, Kasumi folded her in half with a kick to the gut before grabbing her by the hair and whipping her into the ground behind her.

Like a bullet skipping off pavement, Shampoo left gouges in the pavement as she bounced down the street. Kasumi slammed one foot to the ground causing the street to buckle under the impact, before she leaped off, her sudden acceleration utterly destroying the street where she stood. She quickly caught up with Shampoo, and homed in on her tumbling body with a single punch that launched her into the middle of an intersection with such force it threw cars, trucks, and everything not bolted down within the immediate vicinity several dozen feet into the air.

Her eyes glazed over, Shampoo bounced off the ground and was floating in the air when Kasumi landed under her. The eldest Tendo proceeded to lay into Shampoo with blows so fast and violent that the street and everything on it behind Shampoo was ripped apart for dozens of feet.

Nabiki's jaw was glued to the floor, as her mind shut down trying to reconcile the image of her gentle, kind sister, and the horrific violence that she was inflicting on Shampoo. Sayuri just fell onto her backside, staring blankly at the scene.

"That…that's not Kasumi, there's just no way." Yuka asked as a tornado of torn up street began to whirl around the opponents.

"I…I cannot describe what I am seeing." Nabiki said in a numb monotone as the thunderous booms of Kasumi's punches suddenly silenced.

Kasumi ceased her barrage, and Shampoo slammed into the ground and bounced again. Time slowed to a crawl, as Shampoo's limp body rose up from the ground and she became face to face with Kasumi. Her unfocused eyes locked onto her, and through the pain she was in, she spoke.

"…Thank you…"

Kasumi smiled and drew her fist back. "You're welcome."

She punched Shampoo, and sent her crashing into another conveniently empty building, a skyscraper. As she impacted against it, Kasumi lowered her fist and turned away.

"Gentle Sieve Fist special technique: Strong Palm Flash." She said quietly as the first three stories of the skyscraper completely shattered and created a massive cloud that enveloped her as it rolled down the adjacent streets.

* * *

Coughing, Nabiki stood up and cleared the dust from her face. It had taken a while for the thickest of the dust to settle. "Whoa…are…are you two alright?"

"Yeah we're fine…" Sayuri said as she and Yuka got up. "I think Gosunkugi got away though."

"Shit…he'll get his later." Nabiki muttered. Yes, he would get the fuck out of his later. "I'm gonna go find Kasumi and Shampoo."

She climbed through the hole in the café, and then stopped as she immediately found them. "Oh my God."

Sayuri and Yuka saw it too. They spoke together "Oh my God."

The dust was settling as Shampoo slowly regained consciousness. Panting softly, she tried to move, but every inch of her body felt like it was made of lead. She raised her hand off the ground, and brought it to her face to wipe her eyes before opening them. A blurry sight greeted her, but as it focused she noticed something. The building that she had been blasted through was wobbling from side to side, as though ready to come toppling over.

She blinked several times, and looked from the roof of the skyscraper towards the damaged base. Kasumi was standing at the bottom of it, or rather underneath it as she held the building by a corner with both hands above her head. Her eyes went wide.

"Incredible." She said slowly.

Kasumi stared down at her, her fingertips digging into the material as she precariously balanced the structure to keep it from falling on Shampoo. "Feeling better?"

Shampoo stared at Kasumi, and then slowly nodded. "Shampoo feel like…tenderized beef, but yeah, it improvement."

She then looked up at the building. "I don't get it…how you get so strong?"

Kasumi smiled. "When I was a little girl, my mother showed me how a sieve worked. At the time, I was practicing meditation with my Father, and I decided to create a sieve within my mind to filter out all of my negative emotions, to preserve as power. It took me years to perfect it, and many more to fill it up."

Shampoo nodded. "Can…can I learn that?"

Kasumi flushed. "I've never had a student before."

"There is a first time for everything. I think you be a good teacher." Shampoo replied.

Kasumi let out a gentle laugh, and then nodded. "If you're that confident in me, I'll do it."

Shampoo smiled. "Please take good care of me, sensei."

Nabiki jogged to a stop on the scene, and looked up at the building and then at Shampoo. "Holy shit, you kicked the fuck out of her."

"Yes, yes she did." Nabiki nearly jumped out of her skin when Cologne spoke from directly behind her. "But this is fine."

Calmed down, Nabiki folded her arms and looked over to Cologne. "Okay, did I miss something?"

There was a tremendous crash, as Kasumi finally set down the building. After steadying it to make sure it would not fall, she looked back over to the group as the last of her battle aura melted away. "Shampoo-kun and I have settled the matter."

Nabiki blinked. Did Kasumi mean what she hoped she did? "So then, now what happens?"

Ranma walked over and helped Shampoo up to her feet. She looked to Nabiki. Shampoo spoke. "What happens next is I wash Ranma's hair and restore his memories."

Nabiki brightened up. "You're serious?"

Shampoo nodded. "I am sorry."

At that, Ranma spoke. "Good…I want to remember this girl now."

Everyone looked at him, and he explained. "Kasumi, and Nabiki…they're acting so wildly different from how I've always known them, because they care for this Akane. If Nabiki can get angry like she was, or Kasumi do all of this…she must be an amazing girl."

Shampoo shrugged her shoulders. "Not sure about that. She decent fighter, but could use lot of work."

Ranma gave Shampoo a wry look that she responded to with her upturned nose. Cologne chuckled as Nabiki snorted and began walking over towards Sayuri and Yuka, flashing a V-sign to her as she walked over to them and sending them into happy squeals. As Ranma and Shampoo followed, Kasumi gingerly took Shampoo's other side to ease Ranma's burden of supporting her.

Nearby, his heart utterly crushed, Gosunkugi fell to his knees as he watched his victory slip through his fingers, fall to the ground, and shatter into a million pieces. Behind him, a badly banged up Mousse let out a quiet snarl as the light gleamed off his cracked and chipped glasses.

_"I can't believe this…because of that woman…Kasumi Tendo…!"_ He gritted his teeth. _"I will make you pay for stealing my joy."_

No…she was not going to like this.

* * *

Several hours later, on the patio of the Tendo Dojo, Cologne and Shampoo stood on the opposite end of a table that the Tendos sans Akane and Genma occupied. Nabiki was in the middle of signing her name on a scroll, before she produced a stamp and placed her mark below the signature.

_"The treaty signifying the end of all conflict between the Saotome Family, the Tendo Family, and Joketsuzoku proceeds as follows:"_

Rising from the seat, she allowed Kasumi to take her seat and sign it.

_"The fugitive status of Ranma Saotome will be rendered annulled. Under no circumstance will a villager of Nyucheizu be permitted to attack him or any member of the Saotome and Tendo Families in regards to the annulled status."_

Kasumi drew out the characters of her name with great care, before producing her own stamp and marking it.

_"In accordance with the annulment of fugitive status, belligerent actions on behalf of the Tendo and Saotome Families towards villagers of Nyucheizu, unless in self-defense or otherwise noted, is forbidden."_

Kasumi got up, and Soun took his seat to begin signing.

_"Shampoo of Joketsuzoku, in accordance to the treaty, is now barred from using any firearms unless in the service of the Tendo and Saotome Families, outside of the Nerima Ward of Tokyo or during emergency situations."_

His name down, his stamp found its mark a moment later.

_"Shampoo, for physical and emotional damages inflicted, will be required from here on to offer her services in training and assisting the Tendo and Saotome families until it is seen that her debt has been paid."_

Genma sat down, and after fumbling with the pen, let out a grunt and pressed a paw down on the scroll where his name was to go, leaving his paw pad as a giant stamp.

_"Shampoo will also be placed under the tutelage and guidance of Kasumi Tendo, to master the art of the Gentle Sieve."_

Shampoo took his place, and quickly signed her name before adding a stamp.

_"And with this treaty…"_

Once she stamped it, she got up and nodded to Cologne, who made her way over and signed her name last.

_"…The War between the Joketsuzoku and the Tendo/Saotome families has ended!"_

* * *

It'd been hours since Kasumi had left. After she did, Akane heard noises, the familiar booms and bangs of battle that troubled her to no end. The last thing she wanted was for Kasumi to end up hurt by Shampoo, especially because of her. When the sound of distant fighting stopped, she feared the worst, and laid in despair. She didn't even respond when she heard the door open, her eyes listlessly glued to the wall next to her bed.

"Hey, Akane…" Nabiki spoke, Akane didn't look over. "…Kasumi went and fought Shampoo."

Akane nodded slowly, as Nabiki opened the door fully. "I…really don't know how to tell you how it all went down, I'm still having a hard time believing it myself."

The way Nabiki said those words made Akane's despair deepen. "It all just happened so quick, my head's still spinning from it all."

Akane clenched her hands into fists on her lap, and sniffled loudly. Nabiki then looked to her side, and nodded to the side. "I just wanted to let you know…I'll leave you alone."

She retreated from the doorway, and a few moments later, the door shut. Sniffling again, Akane brought one hand up to cover her nose and eyes as she began to cry again. She then heard an annoyed sigh, and a familiar grumbling.

"Don't cry, Akane." Ranma's voice cut through her like a knife, stopping her cold. Lowering her hand, she turned and looked over to him, as he stood right at her bedside.

"R-Ranma…?" She asked in a trembling voice, as he watery eyes began to shimmer. No, it couldn't be, it was too good to be true. "Ranma…?"

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, it's me…who else would it be?" He smiled to her. "I got my memories back, thanks to Kasumi. She beat Shampoo up, and they cured me."

Akane almost immediately lunged out of bed and practically speared him, tackling him to the floor in a tight embrace. "Ranma!"

"Oof!" Ranma exclaimed when they hit the floor. He smiled down at her, and reached up to run his fingers through her now short hair. "Oh man, did Shampoo do this to you?"

Akane froze a bit, but Ranma quickly pulled his foot out of his mouth. "Don't be upset. It's cute."

That seemed to do its job, and Akane went back to nuzzling his chest as she hugged him like he could disappear or she could wake up at any second. "You're back…you're really back…"

She stopped again, and stared up at him, incredulous. "Wait, did you say _Kasumi_ beat Shampoo up?"

"Yeah, it was pretty fucked up too." Ranma admitted. "She just completely hauled off on her; you had to have seen it to believe it."

Akane smiled; at least it meant Kasumi was fine too. "I don't care how it happened, I'm just glad you're back…"

"Me too." Ranma said. "Shampoo did a number on me; I was a total pussy thanks to that brainwashing."

Silence followed, before Akane quietly replied. "Yeah, you were." She then sat up, and stared at him. "Did you fuck her?"

"No, he didn't." Shampoo's voice made Akane jump, and she quickly looked to the other woman, who was on her knees at the doorway.

"You…" Akane growled as she held Ranma tighter. To her surprise, however, Shampoo bowed down, resting her forehead on the floor just past the threshold to her room. "Huh?"

Shampoo spoke, slowly and carefully in her best Japanese. "Akane, I am sorry for everything. From the moment I attacked you and Ranma, to this moment, I am sorry from the bottom of Shampoo heart for all of the suffering I caused. I don't deserve you forgiveness, but I never did anything with Ranma, this is the truth. I made out with him once, and that was it, and he was girl anyway at the time…"

Akane stared at Shampoo, in disbelief that a girl so violent, so brutal…could be bowing in complete and total apology. "Anyway, it will never happen again. I want to start over, like when we all first met at Cat Café…I want to be your friend, but I understand if you never want to see me again."

Looking at Ranma, Akane hugged him tighter, before she looked back to Shampoo. She didn't raise her head, quietly ready for any answer Akane could give her. "I forgive you, Shampoo. If you're really sincere about it, and you really want to start over then…I want to start over too."

Neither Ranma nor Akane expected Shampoo to begin crying, but there it was. Closing her hands into fists, Shampoo cried softly, her body wracked with sobs. "Thank you…thank you so much…"

Akane pulled away from Ranma and crawled over to Shampoo, who looked up at her before she was pulled into a tight hug. Still crying, Shampoo smiled happily as she returned Akane's embrace. Sitting up, Ranma crossed his legs and smiled at the two as they hugged.

* * *

Downstairs, seated in front of the Tendo family shrine, Kasumi smiled as she looked up at the picture of her mother. "Everything is fine, Mother."

Behind her, Soun and Genma were seated over their shogi board, the former quite cheerful while the latter appeared deep in thought.

"Saotome, my good man, this is truly the best day of my life! Ranma's back, Akane's happy again, and we'll be getting discounted gourmet Chinese Food from now on if we so choose!" Soun said boisterously. "And on top of that, Akane and Ranma will get married with no question!"

As Soun laughed boisterously, Genma grimaced. "Ah, about that, Tendo…"

Soun stopped. "What?"

"Akane said she'd definitively marry Ranma without complaint if _she_won." Genma revealed. "She lost. Kasumi was the one who got Ranma back."

Soun's smile disappeared from his face. "Wait, then that means…"

"Yes."

"…And that means Akane…"

Genma nodded grimly.

"…We're back at square one." Moments after he came to that conclusion, Soun let out another laugh. He then began laughing hysterically before he doubled over, bursting into tears. As he sobbed, Genma sighed and examined the shogi board before rearranging some of Soun's pieces.

* * *

"I'm so relieved." Dr. Tofu said to Nabiki, after he heard the news from her. The two were standing outside the clinic's front entrance, looking at the slightly tilted skyscraper now on the skyline.

"Me too, now I just have to worry about finding that little prick Gosunkugi." Nabiki replied. "When I get my hands on him…"

Dr. Tofu frowned at that. "You're not going to go too excessive, are you?"

Nabiki scoffed. "Relax; I'm not going to turn him into a human toilet or something." She turned and began to walk. "Be sure to swing by and congratulate Akane on getting Ranma back, okay?"

"Oh, of course I will." Dr. Tofu said, before he quickly remembered. "Oh, and Nabiki?"

"Yeah, what is it?" Nabiki stopped and looked back.

Tofu smiled sheepishly as he adjusted his glasses in a manner that was more adorable than douche as per Mousse. "When Kasumi went by earlier…I kept my wits about myself. W-when you see her…could you tell her to come and v-visit me anytime? I would like that?"

Nabiki smiled at that, and then crossed her arms. Deciding that Kasumi deserved the privilege, she decided to throw the Doctor a bone. "She likes you, you know. She has for a long time."

Tofu's eyes went wide. "She…she does?"

Nabiki nodded. "She's been waiting for you to make the first move for a while now…Hint." She resumed walking again. "Well, I'm burning daylight, and Gosunkugi isn't going to find himself. Stay frosty, okay Doc?"

Watching her go, with a big smile on his face, Dr. Tofu nodded. "Of course! Thank you Nabiki!" He proceeded to dance around. "Haha! Yes! She likes me, she actually likes me! I have to tell Betty right away! Oh Betty! Betty~!"

Okay, maybe he still had a ways to go before he and Kasumi could work out.

* * *

Kodachi sat on the balcony of her estate, looking up at the rosy sky as she nursed a cup of tea, feeling ambivalent for once instead of the usual insane. In the garden below, Tatewaki mocked her pet crocodile with his newfound speed, using it to easily avoid the beast while boasting to himself that he would defeat Ranma and win both Akane and Pigtailed Girl in no time. He was already his old self.

Ryoga, not knowing of Kasumi's intervention, walked down a long winding country road feeling both grief for Akane's loss and self-serving optimism. When he found his way back to Akane, he was certain that he'd chase away her loneliness. All that it depended on, of course, was finding his way back. He just hoped he didn't end up back in Osaka.

Sitting cross-legged in the Tendo Dojo, Shampoo closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she began to meditate. Next to her, dressed like Shampoo in a white gi, Kasumi watched Shampoo and smiled before she joined her in meditation. The sieve was empty, its weight almost non-existent in her mind.

The image of Shampoo meditating, Ryoga's wandering, Kodachi's lounging, and Tatewaki's being partially devoured by Mr. Turtle were all frozen, captured in multiple screens inside of a large command center style room. One by one, each image blinked out, before one of Mousse appeared in the center.

"Kasumi Tendo is a variable I did not expect." He said to the viewer of the screen.

A girl replied. "None of us did. This changes everything. Gosunkugi is already in search for any weakness of Ranma's that can be exploited…and I'm making arrangements to deal with Kasumi."

Mousse nodded. "The direct approach is out of the question, they will need to be picked apart."

The girl, her identity hidden from Mousse in shadows of the room she dictated from, nodded. "Picked apart yes, but let's not dismiss the direct approach yet…"

Pausing, Mousse grinned. "Oh? Did you have something in mind?"

The girl nodded. "…I want to make my presence felt by the Saotome Family…"

She smirked.

"…And give them a taste of the Revenge from Hell."

* * *

A/N: And so ends the new and improved Third Sino-Japanese War.


	17. Akane Tendo is a Bad Cook

Disclaimer: Six chapters of buildup a Random Act of God does not make.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Akane Tendo is a bad cook

_Easing up on the tension now…_

**[17.]**

It happened without warning, several weeks after the end of the war last chapter, and it happened with such swiftness that even if there had been warning, no one could prepare themselves for it. It happened in the sitting room of the Tendo home, where Soun, Akane, Nabiki, Kasumi, and Genma were seated watching television.

"Kasumi, I want to try cooking dinner tonight." Akane mused casually. Genma looked over to Akane, and thought that was adorable. Soun and Nabiki looked at Akane as though she had just said she wanted to find some toddlers, kill them, and take pictures of herself molesting their corpses.

Kasumi, who was in the midst of sewing together some clothes, didn't even look up from her work as she absently responded. "Of course, Akane I'd be happy to help you."

Nabiki looked at Kasumi. "Pay attention to what people are saying to you."

"I heard what she said, and I said I was going to help her." Kasumi replied. "It's nice that Akane wants to prepare dinner."

Either intentionally or unintentionally, she added. "She's putting forth the effort to contribute to the family and I think it's wonderful."

Akane got up as Nabiki recoiled in indignation. "I'll see you in the kitchen Kasumi."

"I'm right behind you." Finishing up her sewing, Kasumi got up and followed her out of the room.

The wary observer in all of this, Genma watched in disbelief as Soun immediately and willingly handed Nabiki money, for no apparent reason whatsoever. Looking at the money, Nabiki nodded and then produced her cell phone before hitting a speed dial button.

"Yes it's Tendo." She said into the phone after the call connected. Genma couldn't make out what was said. "Yes, it's happening again. I need four large pies with the usual please. And…hold on."

She then stopped and called out. "Akane, what are you making for dinner?"

"Beef Stew!" Akane called back.

"Okay!" Nabiki turned her attention back to the phone. "Tell Yamada to pick up the usual from the pharmacy, it's going to be beef stew tonight."

After thanking the person on the other end of the line, Nabiki ended the call and got up to go upstairs. "I'm going to go cry until Akane's got dinner ready."

Genma was beginning to suspect that Akane wasn't a particularly good cook. He had no fucking clue how much of an understatement those suspicions were.

Ranma's stomach was a starving wolverine trapped in a cage situated right in front of an all you can eat buffet as he finally made it home. Thanks to Akane joining its staff and Shampoo mellowing out a ton, the Cat Café was seeing a boom in popularity, and Ranma was seeing more deliveries all over Tokyo to mainly lonely losers and desperate salary men secretly hoping to act out some perverse fantasy on a hot delivery girl.

Tips were nice though.

"Finally, and I think I made it in time for dinner." Ranma said as he reached the door. He could smell something in the air, what was that aroma? It was interesting.

No sooner did he go to open the door did it swing open and a brightly smiling Nabiki appeared in the doorway. Ranma blinked, was she wearing a black bra under that strangely thin and mostly unbuttoned blouse?

"Oh, you got here earl…" Her warm, seductive greeting went cold. "…Oh, it's you."

She turned and headed back down the hall, buttoning her blouse back up. "Akane's cooking dinner tonight, come join us."

Ranma stared at her as she walked away. Okay, that was weird, very weird. "Huh."

Kicking off his shoes he walked into the sitting room where he found Soun looking like a man resigned to his condemnation. Genma was next to him, unable to shake the feeling that something terrible was about to occur. Kasumi was humming a tune as she finished setting the dishes, while Akane was still in the kitchen.

Nabiki took her seat and stared at her bowl as though to ask God if this was His punishment for all of her sins. Sitting down himself, Ranma looked to Kasumi. "So what's for dinner, Kasumi?"

"Akane made beef stew; she says it's one of your favorites." Kasumi replied.

"Oh yeah?" Ranma asked, a smile quickly appearing on his face. "That's pretty cool of her."

"You say this now…" Nabiki mumbled.

Ranma sniffed the air, was it some kind of foreign beef stew? "Huh…that's different."

Akane walked in then, carrying the large pot of beef stew with her. Nabiki and Soun visibly cringed, as they wondered where the Hell their pizza was. "Well, dinner's ready and–oh, you're home!"

Ranma waved to Akane as he held up his dish. "Yeah, business was slowing down so the old mummy sent me home."

"Right on time, too!" Akane set down the pot and removed the lid. The others were treated to the pleasant sight of a thick, inviting stew. The sight of the stew caused Ranma to hum in surprise. "It doesn't look so bad."

"Kasumi helped me cook it." Akane said proudly before serving his bowl to him. "I'm pretty sure I got it right this time."

Kasumi smiled at that, as Akane filled her bowl next. The youngest Tendo went around the table, eagerly filling everyone's bowls. Nabiki looked down at her bowl and wondered could possibly be wrong with it. It didn't smell immediately toxic, but something was off.

Akane sat down. "Alright, everybody, don't be afraid to tell me what you think."

As everyone sat down and dug in, Ranma brought up a spoonful of the stew and eyed it. Akane said she wasn't really good at cooking, but this just looked too good to pass up. By the time he popped the spoon in his mouth, though, Nabiki was already spitting hers back into the bowl, Soun was chugging down water to wash the taste from his mouth, and Genma looked like he'd just been fed a heaping helping of fuck you. And then he finally tasted it.

"So, how is it?" Akane asked before she saw their reactions. "Oh."

She looked to Ranma, hoping for at least a lie. "Well, Ranma?"

"It tastes pretty bad." He admitted bluntly.

Well, so much for that. She frowned at him. "Fuck you."

"Akane!" Soun immediately protested as Nabiki snickered. Ranma actually recoiled at the sudden and precise verbal blow. Kasumi, who had nagged Nabiki enough for her obscene verbiage, missed her F-Bomb in lieu of analyzing the morsel she'd taken a bite of.

"Ah, I've determined the problem." She pointed out. "Akane, you used confectioner's sugar instead of corn starch to thicken the gravy."

Akane blinked. "Oh, I must've grabbed the wrong container…"

"Oh well, no harm no foul." Easy for her to say, everyone else at the table thought. "But otherwise, everything was just fine!"

That boosted Akane's spirits, and she smiled again. "I only messed up one thing, this time!"

"Emphasis on this time…" Nabiki murmured before the doorbell rang. Right before Ranma's bemused eyes, her blouse popped two buttons and she tousled up her hair before getting up. "I'll get it…"

* * *

On the roof of the Cat Café, Ranma sighed as he finished recalling the dinner to Shampoo, who was finishing shoving a spoonful of fried rice into her mouth. The two of them were on break between their delivery runs, and took the time to enjoy some lunch. "So she make mistake, it no big deal."

"Well, that's what I thought after Kasumi explained it." Ranma replied. "But then there was the night after, where Akane took it upon herself to make dinner again."

"What happened?" Shampoo asked.

Ranma looked up when he recalled it. "She mistook white vinegar for white wine."

"Gross." Shampoo replied.

"Then the next day, she undercooked the fish." Nabiki ended up puking for hours.

"Brutal. She stopped after this, yes?"

Ranma shook his head. "She insisted she make dinner one more time. She caused as small fire."

"I see a going theme." Shampoo noted.

"It's always something that goes wrong, and it usually winds up making her food entirely inedible." Ranma sighed. "But the worst part is that she's way too defensive about her crappy cooking."

"You are having fight?" Shampoo asked.

Ranma finished his food. "Yeah, we did yesterday after the last time she cooked. I told her flat out her cooking sucked and she hasn't said a word to me since."

"Well of course she not speaking, you hurt her feelings!" Shampoo laid it out in the tone of "No duh, moron".

On the defensive, Ranma crossed his arms. "It's not as bad as her hurting my stomach! God damn and I don't know what to do if Kasumi can't teach her anything."

"You could learn to cook." Shampoo pointed out.

"I already know how." Ranma replied. "My Mom taught me so I could be able to survive on my own."

"Then you teach her." Shampoo noted. Ranma let out a passive-aggressive snort in reply, and Shampoo rolled her eyes. "Let me guess, waste of time?"

"Kasumi is a way better cook and teacher than me, what do you think?" Ranma replied.

Before Shampoo could answer, Cologne did. "I think you have advantages Kasumi does not in regards to teaching her, you merely have not given them any consideration, my boy."

Ranma promptly fell off the roof when Cologne startled him. Not a second later, he was back on it, having performed a quick leap after landing. "Hey, don't sneak up on me like that!" He gasped. "And what do you mean advantages?"

Cologne let out a sly chuckle. "The path to wisdom is wrought with hardship."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ranma asked.

Cologne performed a sly deflection with her reply. "If you like, I'll teach her how to cook when she comes in tomorrow and you can help. There is no better place to practice than a fully stocked and prepared kitchen. Plus, you can avoid poisoning your families."

That brightened Ranma's mood. "Really?"

"Of course child, but don't tell her. We'll make an intervention about it" Cologne replied.

Ranma grinned. "Thanks!"

Cologne nodded. "Now can you get downstairs and get the next delivery out?"

With a quick nod, Ranma sprung off the roof and ran inside; Shampoo looked over to her Great Grandmother before switching to Chinese. "So, what did you mean by that anyway?"

"He's a smart boy when he has his wits about him. I'm certain he'll figure out how to teach Akane how to cook something edible." The elder replied. "Speaking of training, how goes yours with Kasumi?"

Shampoo just smiled. "She's a good teacher, Great Grandma."

* * *

"Closed?" Akane asked aloud as she entered the Cat Café. Since she started working at the restaurant, she had never seen it closed down for any reason; business was just too strong to even consider it. Crossing the threshold, she found Ranma, Cologne, and Shampoo standing by the doorway to the kitchen. She frowned when she saw how serious they looked.

"What is it?" She asked.

"This is an intervention." Shampoo said. "Akane, you can't cook right. You need help."

"Fuck all of you." Akane said and she turned for the door. Ranma immediately blocked her path. "Especially you, how dare you go around telling everyone that?"

Ranma raised his hands. "Hang on; we're just saying you need more practice!"

Akane huffed. "Is that so?"

"Yes, that's why the boss said you could you could use the Cat Café's kitchen today to cook until you get it right." Ranma quickly said.

Akane stopped, and then looked back towards Cologne and the doors behind them. "Are you serious?"

"Of course, child, Ranma believes that with a little practice you could become a proper chef." Cologne replied.

Akane pouted, before she looked back to Ranma, who gave her an encouraging smile. Reluctantly, she folded her hands. "Alright, fine. But it's not going to end well."

"I'll be the judge of that." Cologne said.

They went into the kitchen, where the prep station laid cleaned and ready for use. Akane looked around, impressed. The kitchen of the Cat Café looked more like a five star restaurant than a family owned hovel. Akane had seen it plenty of times since she started working, but it still amazed her that the old woman could afford such a setup.

She looked to Cologne. "Say, how did you afford this?"

"It pays to have good friends in good places." Cologne sagely replied. And how, after the legal issues that trumped up following the war. "But don't worry about all of that fancy high tech business; you're going to learn to cook something very simple."

Cologne then gestured to the counter. "Today you will learn to make beef curry."

"Oh!" Akane loved curry; it was one of her favorite dishes. "I think I can do that."

"Good, it's a traditionally easy dish, but just in case I'll have Ranma and Shampoo act as supervisors." She gestured to the two standing to the side of the prep table, who nodded in agreement. "And they will serve as our tasters."

Ranma stopped. "Wait, what?"

That wasn't part of the deal, and Shampoo said as much to her Great Grandmother in Chinese. Cologne whacked them both with her staff. "Don't be rude, both of you."

"Thank you." Akane said to Cologne.

"It make sense to have us do it, we got strong stomachs and everything." Shampoo said, to which Ranma nodded in agreement. Cologne whacked them both again.

"Again, thank you." Akane said to Cologne before snapping at Ranma and Shampoo. "My cooking's not that bad!"

"Indeed. From what I understand, your problem is a very simple one that hopefully we will address." She then turned the reader. "And if you pay very close attention, you may learn to make Japanese style Beef Curry too."

She turned to Akane and then presented to her the ingredients spread on one end of the table in their own little dish, pre-measured, sliced, minced, and all. "For this recipe you will need a tablespoon of butter, five cloves of minced garlic, a piece of minced ginger, four cubes of curry mix, one sliced mango, two sliced apples, three chopped carrots, five cups of chicken broth, half a cup of tomato puree, two tablespoons of hot mango chutney, a tablespoon of cayenne pepper, a tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce, three peeled and cubed potatoes and one pound of sliced beef."

Akane had looked at every item indicated on the table, and gave a nod. "Okay. What do I do first?"

Cologne handed her a skillet. "First you need to melt the butter, throw in the ginger and garlic and sauté the onions until they're tender and golden."

"Right!" Akane set down the skillet on the heating element of the stove opposite of the prep table, picked up the butter, and began melting it. Following Cologne's precise instructions, she added the ginger, garlic, and onions to begin sautéing them. "Okay, now what?"

She was presented with a large sauce pan. Beneath it, Cologne peered up at her. "Melt the curry mix into the pot, and be sure to keep it from burning. When the onions are done, add them to the mix, understand?"

Akane nodded and set down the pot, before turning on the heat and adding the curry mix. As she juggled between making sure the mix didn't burn and watching the onions, Shampoo looked to Ranma. "She's not doing too badly."

Ranma looked back at her, before he quietly replied. "Something will go horribly wrong, just watch."

Akane looked back, when she thought she heard Ranma say something smart. "What was that?"

"Pay attention, child!" Cologne alerted her.

"Ah, s-sorry…" Akane resumed checking the mix. "So, now what do I do?"

"The apples, mango, carrots, and chutney, and puree are next." Cologne pointed to a food processor. "Add them and mix them." Use the puree setting, understand?"

"Okay!" Akane complied, and began packing everything into the food processor. Ranma's heart sank.

"Here we go…" He muttered with a grimace.

Shampoo looked at him. "What?"

Akane packed the last of the carrots in and prepared to hit the button. Ranma closed his eyes. "Just you watch."

Shampoo watched, and when Akane pressed the button, the food processor whirled to life and happily began to reduce the mixed ingredients to a fine puree. She glanced at Ranma. "I'm not getting it."

Ranma opened his eyes. "The blender…it's intact?"

"Why would it not? Blender from will it blend guy, it will blend anything but a Ford Fiesta." Shampoo looked back as Akane hummed a tune while she worked. "I think you are exaggerating."

"I'm not." Ranma warned. "You can ask Nabiki if you don't believe me."

Before Shampoo could find a phone, Akane finished mixing up the ingredients and added them to the pot. "Now do I add the cayenne, sugar, and stuff?"

"That's correct. Mix the precise amounts I told you in." Cologne said as Akane added the chicken broth, Worcestershire, sugar, and cayenne pepper. "Now then, place it on medium high and we'll let it cook for three hours. Be sure to stir every five minutes, understand? Or you're scrubbing out that pot."

Akane nodded. "Oh, okay. But what about the potatoes, what do I do with them?"

"Add them after the first hour and just allow them to cook, stirring as instructed." Cologne turned to head to the front. "Surely you can handle that much on your own can't you?"

"Of course I can." Akane looked back at the pot of curry sauce, and smiled. She felt a little triumphant that she could prepare something without a single problem. "Every five minutes you said, right?"

"That's correct, dear." Cologne replied as she exited the kitchen. "Now come along, I have an egg-timer up front you can set yourself to."

* * *

Akane followed, and Ranma and Shampoo brought up the rear, the skeptical looks of the latter met by Ranma rolling his eyes. He wasn't a pessimist, but after a straight run of disastrous dinners, he was ready for the other shoe to drop. Five minutes after they departed, Akane returned and stirred the pot, making sure to keep everything good and mixed before departing again. Five minutes after that, and in intervals of five after, she would come and go, stirring the pot and keeping it from burning. This actually went very well…until one hour in, when she was to add the potatoes.

With Cologne, Shampoo, and Ranma playing cards up front, Akane returned to the bubbling curry and reached for the potatoes. Before she dumped them in, curiosity struck her, and she leaned over to sniff the pot. "Mm…"

Grabbing a spoon, she scooped up some of the sauce and took a minor taste. It was somewhat bland, definitely not like Kasumi made. "I think it's missing a little kick."

She then looked around for the cayenne pepper, and found that the dish she used was empty. "Darn it…"

Akane looked around, and found the spice cabinet with little difficulty, except there was a problem. "All of the ingredients would be labeled in Chinese, of course."

Spotting a jar with what she assumed to be the cayenne pepper on the top-most shelf, she grabbed it and walked over. "Cayenne's not that hot anyway, so it won't be so bad."

She put two shakes of the spice into the pot and then added the potatoes before giving it a stir. Staring into the pot, she added two more, and then closed the lid. It was out of thought and out of mind by the time she returned to the card table.

Two hours later, Ranma and Shampoo were seated at a table complete with places neatly set and a pitcher, with Cologne standing next to them as Akane entered with the big blue pot of curry. Popping open the rice cooker set at their table, Shampoo scooped out some rice and served both herself and Ranma, who had a look of dread now completely resembling Nabiki and Soun's own at the dinner table that first night.

Cologne let out a chuckle and congratulated Akane as she set down the pot and topped their rice with the curry. "I see that you did well child."

"Yes, and I didn't make a single mistake!" Akane said with a cheerful smile. "Thank you, Cologne-san."

"Oh, it looks good." Shampoo gave Akane a look as she picked up a spoon. "Maybe you take to cooking better than fighting?"

Akane glared at her. "Eat it, bitch."

Ranma picked up his own spoon and stared down at it nervously. "Alright…it really doesn't look so bad." He leans and sniffs it. "It smells kind of spicy."

Akane looked pensive at that. "Not too spicy, I hope?"

Ranma scooped up some of the curry and gave Akane a reassuring smile as Shampoo took a bite. "Nah, I can handle spicy things."

He popped the spoonful of food in his mouth, and all he could taste was fire, burning, unending, mouth consuming fire. Shampoo just let the spoon drop and she fainted dead away from the searing agony of what she had just eaten, while Ranma had completely burst into tears as he grabbed first for a glass of water and then for the pitcher next to it. He drank it, not caring that the water turned him to a girl in her haste to drink it.

"IT'S LIKE NAPALM IN MY MOUTH!" She screamed when she realized her mouth was still burning. She succumbed quickly, falling to the floor with her mouth foaming. Akane stared at the two of them, and then down at the pot of curry, which she set down on the table before picking up a spoon. It honestly wasn't that hot, was it? I mean, she eats this all the time and…

She tasted it.

Yes. Yes it was very much like napalm in her mouth.

Akane fainted.

Cologne looked at the pot, and then at the three children. In her one hundred eighteen years, she'd never seen three fine children in their prime be felled like this. Dipping a finger in Shampoo's plate she gave it an experimental taste. It was a dangerous risk, but she needed to determine what went wrong. On analyzing it, she quickly confirmed what happened and let out a sigh. "I should've locked that up, or perhaps supervised her better. Ah well, not much that can be done."

Cologne then fainted, even with her age and experience; she was overwhelmed by the mind-warping heat of Akane's curry. With everyone unconscious, none of them noticed Mousse walk in from doing whatever shady dealings he was fond of. Spotting the curry and the unconscious Shampoo, Akane, Ranma, and Cologne, he let out a dismissive sigh.

"You all died." He lamented flatly before picking up a spoon and tasting the curry. He let out a pleased hum. "Oh, now that's delicious."

After helping himself to a large bowl of curry, Mousse headed upstairs–eating along the way.

* * *

Moments later, Akane was sitting at a table with her head resting on her folded arms, sobbing in despair. Across the room, Shampoo was still snacking on dinner rolls dipped in sour cream in an effort to soothe away the heat. Ranma was trying not to say "I told you so" to Shampoo, because she knew Shampoo'd deliver an armor piercing kick to the box. Cologne was fanning herself, trying to reorganize her wits as she reviewed the incident.

"She mistook the ground Dorset Naga for Cayenne. For all intents and purposes, it was an honest mistake." She said to Ranma before looking at her. "Akane's problem is not that she is a bad cook. She is an excellent cook, capable of following instructions to the letter and fantastic presentation. It is, as you said, something that always goes wrong. She is clumsy, not abysmal."

"Why would you even have that?" Ranma asked before she took a bread roll for herself.

"It's something we have on hand for special requests, a novelty so to speak." Cologne said. "If she had used just the Cayenne, it would've been excellent."

Ranma shrugged her shoulders. "So what, does that mean she has to be watched over whenever she cooks anything?"

Cologne nodded. "At first, but with enough reinforcement, she might not mess up."

"Reinforcement…?" Ranma stopped as a flicker of an idea sparked in her head, and then it all went off at once into a brilliant shine. "Reinforcement, that's it!"

She hugged Cologne. "Thanks you old bag! I know exactly what to do!"

Cologne made a note to tell Ranma "You're welcome", after she regained consciousness from having her head driven up through the ceiling from a single swing of her staff. Calling her an old bag to her face was just one of those things she didn't really tolerate so well.

On the way home, Ranma regarded Akane carefully. Her head was down, and she was still sniffling over the disaster. Sighing, she reached over and rested a hand on her shoulder. "Akane, it was just one little mistake okay? Don't start getting all angst-ridden on me because you screwed up."

"I always screw up." She lamented with a huff of frustration. "Everything I cook is ruined because of something I always overlook. I can't be trusted in a kitchen."

Ranma let out a frustrated sigh. "You're just clumsy. There's nothing wrong with that."

Akane sighed. "How can a clumsy girl like me ever hope to cook something her boyfriend will like?"

Ranma sighed. "Don't worry about that. Tonight you're going to give it another try."

"Oh no, I couldn't possibly–."

She cut her off before she could finish. "And I'm going to help you."

Akane stopped at that, and stared at her. "You…you want to cook with me?"

"Yes, tonight, just you and I. We're going to have a romantic dinner." Ranma replied. "And no matter what we make, I'll eat every bite."

Ranma's mouth was writing checks the rest of her digestive system could not cash. However, she was confident that tonight she'd be eating well. It cheered Akane up at least, as she looked away, worrying her lower lip with her teeth as she broke into a warm flush. "You really mean that…thank you."

She pulled Akane close and nuzzled her cheek with her own. "Anytime."

* * *

Now male, Ranma walked into the kitchen as Kasumi was heading to the cabinets to get dinner started and Nabiki was going through the fridge for a snack. His announcement caught both quite off guard. "Nabiki, Kasumi, the boss said you all could eat at the Cat Café free tonight. Please take Pop and your old man and get out."

While Nabiki loved money, she loved free things just a little more, especially free dinner at a high quality restaurant. Kasumi smiled. "Why thank you Ranma, what's the occasion?"

Ranma smiled himself. "Akane and I are cooking dinner for ourselves tonight, and we'd like to have no distractions."

The news delighted both sisters, for both the same and different reasons. Kasumi was happy that Ranma and Akane were bonding again after the conflict with Shampoo, and Nabiki was happy for a free meal not made by Akane, and both enjoyed food from the Cat Café. "Oh Ranma," Kasumi said, "How sweet of you!"

Nabiki smirked suggestively. "And romantic, you're looking to get a little action tonight, huh?"

Ranma flushed a little. "I don't know about that, but then who does? I just need you to get everyone else out, okay?"

"Well, whatever you do, don't forget to use protection." Nabiki teased before she headed for the sitting room and deliver the good news about going out for dinner tonight.

Ranma's blush darkened, Nabiki and Kasumi being aware of their more intimate pursuits was a little weird. Kasumi spoke gently to him. "I like that you're taking this matter into your own hands, but please be patient with her? She really wants to please you."

"I know." Ranma replied. "I want her to be happy too, so that's why I'm even doing this."

Kasumi smiled, and then kissed Ranma on the cheek. "Thank you, Ranma-kun."

She walked for the doorway, and then looked back. "So what are you going to cook?"

"Oh, uh…something that's really easy, I hope." Ranma replied. "Where do you keep the hot plate?"

* * *

Not half an hour later, the Tendo home was empty except for Ranma and Akane, who were gathered around the table in the sitting room with ingredients spread out between them and a hot plate with a pot square in the middle. Ranma was carefully dicing up vegetables and mushrooms on one end of the table, while Akane reread the recipe from a cookbook.

"Half of a cup of soy sauce, one fourth a cup of sake, one fourth a cup of mirin, one fourth a cup of sugar, and one and one-half cups of water," She repeated to herself for the fifteenth time. Ranma looked up from his dicing and smiled a little bit.

"You don't have to be so nervous." He said. "You're making me antsy."

"Sorry." Akane skittishly replied. That hot plate was making her nervous. "Are you sure sukiyaki is a good idea?"

Ranma nodded. "It's been a while since I had good quality stuff to make it with, so why not?"

"You've made it before?" Akane was genuinely interested.

"Tons of times, my Mom taught me how to be able to make it from just about anything I could find while out in the field. Pops was never too keen on me learning to cook though, thought it wasn't very masculine." There were a lot of things his mother taught him that his Father didn't like, Ranma noticed before shrugging it off and laughing. "Mom taught me a lot of stuff that came in handy in a pinch, but I never would've thought that ice skating would've come in handy, though."

Akane laughed. "Oh, don't even remind me."

"Anyway," Ranma continued as patted to the spot by his side, "I'm done cutting up the vegetables, ready to cook?"

Crawling around the table, Akane sat with him as he produced some oil and poured it in the bottom of the pot, coating it. As the pot began to sizzle, Akane poured the liquid ingredients one by one into a large bowl, Ranma watching her every move.

"First I add the water, and then the soy sauce, and then the sake, and then the mirin, and then the sugar…" She trailed off when Ranma moved and cuddled up to her from behind with his chin on her shoulder. She began to blush as he looked down at the bowl, his cheek brushing against hers as he did. "…Ranma…"

"Keep going." He instructed as he rested his hands on her thighs, just above the hem of her skirt. Akane shivered from his touch and continued. As she began to stir the simmering pot, Ranma began to tug up her skirt. Akane stopped and gave him a look, and he replied with a kiss on her neck. She didn't resist, and he gave his next instruction. "Okay, now add the beef."

He kissed her neck again, and Akane tilted her head the other way, offering him more of her neck. By the time she added the last slice of meat, one of his hands was under her skirt and caressing her thigh while the other was going up her shirt and gently combing fingers across her stomach. She let out a soft moan when he sucked on the skin near the base of her neck. "Mm…feels good…"

"You're doing well, Akane-chan…" He quietly praised her. "Let it cook for a little bit…" He stopped to kiss her on the cheek. "…And then you can add the vegetables and tofu."

After a few minutes and a lot of fondling and kissing, Akane began to carefully drop ingredients into the bubbling pot, cabbage, mushrooms, and then the shirataki noodles, with an unsteady hand. All the while Ranma's much steadier hand worked up and down one leg and then the other, moving up higher with slow, gradual effect. Akane moaned again, when his other hand slipped under her bra.

She looked at him again with half-lidded eyes, her face now hued a soft red, and the color was creeping down her neck. Staring back, Ranma closed his eyes as he kissed her. Akane returned it eagerly, and let out a muffled sigh when their tongues began to playfully joust. They only broke the kiss when the smell of cooking sukiyaki captured their attention.

"I think we can eat it now." Ranma observed.

"You move your hands from where they are, and I'll make you eat my fist." Akane threatened, before she kissed him again. Ranma hummed softly into her mouth, before he reluctantly pulled his hand from under her shirt, and picked up a pair of chopsticks. Akane let out a whimper in protest.

"Come on, don't give me that." Ranma chided before he plucked a cube of tofu from the pot, blew on it, and then popped it into his mouth. He let out a satisfied hum. "It's good."

Akane felt elated. "Really?"

Popping a piece of cabbage into his mouth, Ranma rested the ends of the chopsticks on her chin and turned her head so he could give her another deep, but brief kiss. The two parted, and Akane hummed in approval as she began chewing the morsel he passed to her. "Mm…it is good…"

Akane picked up her own chopsticks, and plucked another piece of food out before taking a bite. She had actually prepared something that tasted good and that Ranma liked. When he started to chow down at his usual speed, she was near ecstatic. _"He likes the dinner I…we made together…"_

She gave Ranma a peck on the cheek, and then rested her forehead against the side of his head. Ranma suddenly responded by groping her through her panties, eliciting a sharp, surprised gasp "R-Ranma…ohh…"

Akane trailed off into soft coo, when Ranma showed his gratitude for her finely cooked meal even as they continued to eat, and when they were done, the cooling pot of sukiyaki and their triumph over Akane's kitchen clumsiness was forgotten as they had each other for dessert.

* * *

Several days later, Akane was glowing as the two families were gathered around the table. Soun was testing out the rice and finding it quite pleasing. He found it hard to believe that Akane had cooked the meal all by herself and that the food had not only turned out edible but quite fantastic. Sitting next to her, Ranma's cheeks were a light red and like Akane he was looking like he'd just gotten done with a bit of strenuous physical activity.

"This is excellent, did Akane really make this?" He asked Kasumi, who happily nodded back.

"Yes. Akane's gotten much better at cooking, thanks to Ranma-kun." Kasumi looked to Ranma at the tail-end of her words, and he blushed darker. He had been quite instrumental in helping Akane become a better cook, and she was actually curious about his secret.

Nabiki looked up from her rice, and then over to Ranma and Akane, and then back to her rice. Wait a minute…

Unaware of the horrible revelation that Nabiki was about to realize, Soun laughed. "Saotome, your son is a prodigy." He looked to Ranma. "I'm curious, how'd you get Akane out of her habit?"

Placed on the spot, Ranma let out a weak chuckle. "Well, I just helped her out, and uh…used a little positive reinforcement?"

Nabiki froze, and her eyes went wide. It was beginning to dawn on her right then.

"Well then, you'll have to tell me your secrets, or at the very least demonstrate your technique." Soun stopped and blinked when both Ranma and Akane's glow vanished and was replaced with both horror and disgust at the thought. "…What did I say?"

It finally hit Nabiki, who looked down at her plate, and then slowly pushed it away from her spot. Meanwhile, deep in the coldest part of the Cat Café's freezer, its lid securely in place, and chains, wards, and padlocks securing it, the pot of curry Akane made that day sat…

…And waited…

* * *

Thousands of miles away, on the island of Oahu, a sundress-clad young woman with long hair in a ponytail walked along a pristine windward beach of the island's eastern end, a hand on her head to keep the wide-brimmed straw hat she wore from blowing away. She was headed for a man lying on a beach chair, overseeing the shimmering waters of the Pacific Ocean as they gently rolled in. The man, deeply tanned and wearing a gaudy Hawaiian print shirt and tacky green shorts, was an eyesore that could be seen from space. Seriously, the crew of the International Space Station had to avert their eyes whenever they passed over Hawaii.

"Excuse me sir." She spoke. "But are you Kuno?"

The man looked towards her. "Who wants to know?"

"I've come to inform you that your school has been destroyed." The calm, concise way the message had been delivered had its intended effect. The darkly tanned man sat right up, and gawked at the slip of a girl.

"You pulling on me leg little wahine! What happened?" He demanded.

"A Chinese girl with an Avenger Cannon happened. What's important, however, is that my employer is willing to rebuild your school and to your exact specifications for no monetary cost on your part. You only have to do two things for us."

"Eh? What would that be, little wahine?" The man named Kuno asked with a lyrical tone.

"First, you must return to your place as Headmaster of Furinkan High School." The girl replied. "And secondly, you must help my employer with…a personal issue."

"Oh? What kind of issue, keiki?"

"A student in your school, a young man named Saotome."

* * *

A/N: By the by, the theme song for the Third Sino-Japanese War Arc was Sign by FLOW. What should this arc's theme be?


	18. Take Me Out Part 1

Disclaimer: Going by my word processor, as of the writing of this disclaimer, Interview is 300 pages long.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Take Me Out Part 1

_Yes this is a Franz Ferdinand reference, they fucking rule._

**[18.]**

"Your restaurant delivers anywhere in Tokyo in less than ten minutes or you pay them, isn't that right?" At the Cat Café, Cologne was shooting the shit with a few of her local competitors, who came to have a bite and exchange pleasant ribbing. Hearing the local Fried Eel cart vendor's question, Cologne glanced over.

"That's our current promotion, and so far it has not failed us once." Cologne replied. "Even the heaviest of orders have made it with time to spare."

The local Ramen vendor chuckled at that. "I'm sure you get a lot of big orders from the very edges of town, people looking to score a quick buck."

"Not as many as the perverts after my Great Granddaughter." Shampoo, who had been serving customers in the lobby, glanced over at Cologne when she said that, and then continued working when she deemed it unworthy her attention.

The Fried Eel vendor laughed. "Speaking of lovely young women, who are you going to enter in the Takeout Race? Shampoo, Akane Tendo, or that lovely little redhead you have running around here from time to time?"

"Your business can only have one representative, after all." The Ramen vendor added.

"What takeout race?" Cologne asked. "Forgive me, but we've only been in business for a short time, now."

Both men gave a start. The Ramen vendor explained it. "You don't know? The Takeout Race is a tradition here in Nerima, to honor the fearless delivery men who braved bandits, warlords, and the laws of thermodynamics to deliver a hot plate of food to distant addresses."

"Yes," added the Fried Eel vendor, "Once a year, we have a huge race with the destination chosen at random. Whoever gets there first with their food intact is the winner, and their restaurant gets a handsome cash prize."

A handsome cash prize, huh? Cologne had wanted to get some proper weatherization for the Café, so when winter came she could mock the cart and stand vendors with her superior comfort and hospitality. "Well, I should make an effort to enter Shampoo in the race. She's quite the speedster, after all."

To emphasize, Cologne threw a single knife over her shoulder at Shampoo, who reached behind her head and caught it between her middle finger and thumb before it embedded itself in the back of her skull.

Shampoo looked at the knife and began twirling it in her fingers like one would a coin. "A race like that is no challenge for me."

Both vendors looked to one another and shared chuckles at that. If Shampoo was representing the Cat Café that meant the redhead was now a free agent.

"Oh don't worry about a challenge." The Ramen vendor warned.

The Fried Eel vendor chuckled. "Our delivery girls are no slouches either."

* * *

At the Tendo Dojo, those very delivery girls had an unexpected guest. Akane and Soun, who'd been enjoying a game of shogi, were now face to face with Tatewaki Kuno, armed with a bouquet of roses. Father and daughter looked to each other and found that they were of the same thought: Why was Kuno in their home and how much physical force would it take to remove him.

"Akane Tendo, I've come to give you my answer." To a question that came to Kuno in a dream, no less. Both Tendos stared at him.

"Excuse me, but…what?" Akane asked, choosing for once to avoid the vitriol and profanity she was usually armed with on the grounds that Kuno did try to help her beat Shampoo. The roses were thrust in her face, and Akane immediately reconsidered that option.

"It is time that I chose my one true and honest love." Kuno said as a splash sounded from the very pond Akane was planning to bury his dismembered body beneath. "Please take these roses as the proof of my adoration."

She looked down at the shogi board, and wondered just how many ways she could kill him with it. Kuno continued on. "I must stop pining for a girl who comes and goes as she pleases. You Akane, are always here, and thus, a much more convenient choice."

"You have no clue how to talk to women, do you?" Akane asked as she picked up one of the pieces and prepared to lodge it deep into the dead center of his brain through the roof of his mouth. "I'm going to murder you now, please hold still until I'm done."

Ranma's greeting was surprisingly a lot friendlier. Hey, he'd helped Akane try to win her back from Shampoo, so she figured she was going to try to be nice to him from time to time. "Hey there Kuno, what brings you here?"

Staring at his beloved Pigtailed Girl, Kuno looked back at Akane who had stopped mid motion from fatally killing him until he died, before he turned and looked square into Ranma's wide blue eyes. His lusts quickly surged forth, and all the willpower he'd mustered to confess to Akane was squashed flat. Taking his bouquet, he tearfully tore it in half and offered the halves to both his unrequited loves.

"I cannot bear to lose either of you!" He declared to God, Buddha, and Kamen Rider, all of whom immediately commanded Ranma and Akane to kill him in their names. Before they could obey their creator, teacher, and savior respectively, inspiration hit Kuno like the pending beating.

"I have it! If I cannot have you, then there must be a contest! Next Sunday, the two of you shall come to my house. The first to arrive shall have me." Kuno declared. "Whilst the second will settle for being my concubine. Please forgive me, but there is no other way!"

Ranma and Akane pummeled him with such ferocity that the great pantheon of Norse Gods wept. Loki just smiled, another fine day at the office. As Kuno went hurtling through the sky towards Tokyo Bay, Ranma regarded this development with bemusement. "Was that just me or was Kuno a little more off his rocker than usual."

"Shampoo did get a few good blows to the head in, I think it's that." Akane replied as she began resetting the shogi board.

Soun let out a sigh. "This problem would go away if you both simply married."

"No it wouldn't." Both immediately, correctly, and flatly countered. At that moment Nabiki walked in, eating from a tray of eel teriyaki. The smell of the delicious food immediately caught Ranma's attention, but it caught Genma's much faster as the still somewhat damp panda quickly arrived at the table.

Akane raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Nabiki?"

"So yeah," Nabiki said "There's this Fried Eel vendor outside, saying he wants Akane to represent his store in some race and he says he'll give us a year's supply of free food if she wins."

Today was proving to be unusually random everyone at the table agreed. The offer of free food for a year however was a little too great for Soun to pass up. "Of course Akane will do it!"

"Dad!" Akane exclaimed.

Ranma folded her arms. "Oh, this is for that delivery girl race isn't it? If I know the boss, she's probably got Shampoo already entered." She looked over to Nabiki. "So yeah, it's probably a hopeless bet."

"Whatever, I love eel teriyaki." Nabiki replied with a mouthful of said eel. Ranma surprisingly refrained from making the obvious joke.

Akane glared down at her father. "You're going to sell me out for some free food?"

"It's a year's worth of free food, Akane! It's something you just can't pass up!" Soun pleaded.

"But I already work for the Cat Café!" Akane argued.

Nabiki then pointed out. "But only one delivery girl can race for their restaurant. Besides, think of it as a friendly contest."

Akane turned and stared at Nabiki. "First: I'm not a delivery girl; I am specifically a waitress and a greeter. Second: Shampoo is way faster than me in a straight line. Third: I would like a little say in this."

"I agree." Ranma said before Genma turned and sat her down in front of a Ramen vendor. "Wait, what?"

"Thank you, Saotome-san. I didn't think I'd be able to get a hold of your 'daughter' here." The shifty-looking man said. Ranma looked from the Ramen vendor to Genma's sign, which clearly read, "So it's free ramen for a year if he wins, right?"

Ranma's clenched a hand into a fist and, she immediately turned to Akane. "Give me some hot water, please."

The kettle was in her hand, and she quickly became he. "Hey Pop, were you at all listening just now…"

He promptly kicked Genma out the window. "…You God Damned sellout!"

"Anyway, "Nabiki took another bite, "If you run this race, Akane, I'll take you shopping, my treat."

"A tempting offer but no thanks," Akane replied. "I'm kind of wasted on anything involving some sort of weird martial arts. Besides, do you really want me running that kind of race?"

Female Rhythmic Gymnastics Wrestling and Martial Arts Figure Skating were banned specifically because of Akane's involvement. Given this track record, by the end of the race, it was likely that half of Nerima would be razed to the ground. While this wasn't a bad thing in the eyes of some, it was worth considering. Nabiki's argument however remained unchanged. "Whatever, I love eel teriyaki."

Akane decided to make the obvious joke. "Then why not stop stuffing your oral fixation and enter the race yourself, bitch?"

"I don't love eel teriyaki as much as I do making someone else do the dirty work." Nabiki replied. Outside, Ranma could be heard delivering an elbow drop onto his old man while speaking in parentheses. "Huh, I didn't think we'd be using that gag again…"

The Fried Eel vendor, now sitting opposite of Soun at the table, leaned close to speak. "You can convince her to run the race by Sunday, can't you?"

"Of course I can." Soun replied, even though he'd need one Hell of a motivator to make Akane budge.

"Hello, is anyone home?" A man's voice called out from the front. Kasumi, who'd been happily ignoring everything happening in the sitting room, went to go welcome the visitor, only to find that he let himself in. She let out a yelp of surprise, and horror, at the fan-waving stocky man's gaudy blue suit, large ears, and hideous red beret. "Don't get up, I've let myself in!"

Nabiki looked at Akane. "Today's been kind of random, hasn't it?"

"Oh you have no idea." The youngest Tendo responded. Both sisters saw the man, and recoiled in the same way Kasumi had. "Oh God!"

Soun immediately rose. "Sir, you cannot just let yourself in!"

The last guy who did was floating face down in Tokyo Bay by now.

"Many apologies, but I've been searching all over Tokyo for this place." The man said. "Now tell me, is Ranma Saotome here?"

Nabiki and Akane immediately looked at one another. The moment the man asked for Ranma, they just knew that something very bad or very stupid was about to occur. Even Kasumi, who'd followed the man in, seemed similarly disconcerted by his request. To be honest, the track record lent itself to this. Soun actually considered lying and saying no, but Ranma was beating the utter stuffing of a man-turned-the symbol of endangered animals everywhere with maniacal glee directly behind the newcomer.

"Ah Ranma," Soun said despite the hot glares that his daughters leveled on him, "You have a guest."

Ranma looked up from the headlock he had Genma in. "I have a 'what' now?"

The man turned to Ranma, and immediately brightened with glee as he rushed over and embraced him. The next words out of his mouth confirmed everyone's fears. "Ranma my son, I've finally found you!"

A solemn bell sounded, as the Tendo family stared blankly at the manliest hug. Ranma, frozen where he stood, reacted understandably. "What."

"My son, I said. Once you marry my daughter, I'll be your father!" The man said as he continued to embrace Ranma. "Ah, what a wonderful day this is!"

The Tendo Family, all four of them, immediately echoed Ranma.

"What."

As the man turned to explain, Ranma noticed that his endangered punching bag had fled the scene. "You see, I made a solemn agreement to Ranma's Father, Genma Saotome, when Ranma was but an infant…"

Soun looked to Nabiki as the man explained the agreement. "Where is he?"

Nabiki pointed. "He's hiding in the bushes."

"Kasumi give Akane a kettle, please?" Soun asked.

Kasumi handed a kettle to Akane. "Here you go."

"Thank you." Akane threw it with such force that it shattered on impact, splashing Genma with boiling hot water. As the Saotome Patriarch emerged hissing from the scalding water, Soun loomed over him with one of those very irritated smiles.

"Saotome, this had better be a good one." He spoke.

* * *

Explanations were in order, good ones. Who was this man calling himself Daikoku, and why Ranma was engaged to his daughter were very valid questions that needed to be answered. They had expected a very sensible explanation, hoped for it even, but when the ugly truth of the matter came out, they weren't as surprised as they wished they could be, especially Ranma.

"You…you traded me for a single fish?" He said in utter disbelief. Nabiki was in sheer awe at Genma Saotome's pettiness, while Kasumi had actually pinched herself to make sure she was not dreaming this. Akane was strangely quiet.

"Not just a fish! He had rice, and pickles!" Genma valiantly defended. For once, Ranma was so angry that he was actually unsure about responding with violence. He didn't want to kill the guy, after all. Genma continued. "It was that, or I starved and then what? I saved our lives, boy!"

"And now I shall collect my payment as promised. A deal is a deal, especially one where a life-debt is owed." Daikoku-san said.

Genma coughed, and then tried to explain. "Well, there's a problem, you see."

Daikoku-san hummed. "What is that?"

"The problem is," Soun said, "That Ranma is already engaged to my daughter, Akane."

Nabiki nodded. "They've been engaged before they were even born. I'm afraid Genma conned you."

Daikoku-san recoiled and looked down at Genma "Is this true?"

Genma laughed nervously, and nodded. "Well, I'm afraid so…"

"Well then, I'm sure you have no problem committing suicide for insulting my honor…" Oh Hell. "…Both you and your son…" OH. HELL.

"I was a starving man and you wouldn't share your food!" Genma immediately protested, as he began to have flashbacks of his wife at the mere mention of seppuku.

"You offered me anything in exchange." Daikoku-san returned.

"You would've let me die, otherwise!"

"You didn't hesitate to hand over your son."

"My previous point still stands!"

Ranma buried his face into his palm. "I can't believe this…"

"Why were you on the verge of starvation while hauling Ranma around anyway? That's poor planning for a martial artist of your caliber." Nabiki then asked. Everyone looked at her. "Sorry, Devil's Advocate."

Akane finally took a deep breath, grabbed the table, and slammed it down on Genma's head. Everyone present looked down at Genma and felt that one way or another he had at least that coming. Lifting the table, she set it back down, and sighed. Kasumi turned to Daikoku. "Ah Daikoku-san, is it possible that we can avoid seppuku? Surely there has to be a way to resolve this issue fairly."

Daikoku turned to Kasumi. "Oh, of course, I was just joking about the seppuku thing anyway. Who even still does that nowadays?"

Akane and Ranma glanced at one another, but said nothing. Daikoku then produced a briefcase and opened it for Soun. "Here, have some compensation for depriving Akane-san of her fiancé. Take as much as you like."

Soun was about to vehemently say no, when he saw exactly how much money was in that briefcase. "Oh…oh my, that's a lot of yen."

"I will murder you." Nabiki and Akane had thought it, but it was Kasumi who actually said it. Everyone looked at the oldest Tendo sister, still the picture of serenity. "…I mean it."

Soun relented from succumbing to greed, and stoically closed the briefcase before clearing his throat. "I am sorry; Daikoku-san, but I cannot accept this compensation."

Thank God, someone was of sound mind. Ranma lowered his palm from his forehead, as Daikoku happily laughed the refusal off. "That's quite alright; the offer is still on the table if you choose to accept it!"

"You know, I'd like some say in this." Ranma requested.

Daikoku nodded. "Well then, why don't I introduce you to your future bride, and let's see if that changes your mind?" He turned towards the house. "Kaori-chan, come here please?"

Flattered as Ranma was, he was in no mood to meet another possibly crazed fiancée. "Look, I really don't…"

He trailed off when the young lady entered the scene from the direction of the front door, dressed from head to toe in a beautiful and pristine white kimono and shroud that hid most of her face from view. Reaching the table, she sat down and bowed before Ranma, the tips of her fingers resting daintily on the floor. "Hello, I am Kaori Daikoku. I have waited a long time to meet you."

Ranma's reaction pleased Akane at least; he was visibly repulsed. Akane looked to Kaori, and felt nothing off from the poised young woman; her intuition wasn't being tripped at all and that put her for a loop for a bit. "Hello, I'm Akane Tendo…"

Daikoku turned to Ranma. "My Kaori-chan is quite a looker, isn't she? I'm sure the two of you will get along quite well."

They'd get along great, except for the whole Ranma loving Akane thing. "Look, your daughter's really cute and I'm sure she's very nice, but I'm already engaged." And happily too, although for the sake of spite he'd never admit it in the presence of his Father or Akane's.

"Yes." Akane joined Ranma's side, a subtle gesture aimed to deter Kaori.

Soun then cleared his throat. "This problem would go away if you both simply married now."

"No it wouldn't." Kasumi and Nabiki said in chorus with Ranma and Akane.

Nabiki then added. "Please, for all we know, Daikoku-san isn't the only one the Panda Bastard traded Ranma off to for food."

Genma went decidedly pale at that. Soun folded his arms and shook his head. "What a shameful thing to do! Genma how can you call yourself a man when you barter your sole child for food?"

Nabiki mentally filed away that one, just in case. Kaori then cleared her throat. "Father, if I may suggest a contest to settle this debacle?"

"A contest…?" Daikoku asked, before he quickly realized. "Ah! The Miss Martial Arts Takeout Race, you mean?"

To this, Kaori nodded, and Ranma and Akane both passed very optimistic looks to one another. Daikoku turned back to face them. "We shall decide this with the Takeout Race! The winner of the race shall win Ranma as well!"

Soun looked to Akane, who despite her last attempt at winning her rights to Ranma immediately responded with a quick nod. "I accept your challenge!"

Ranma looked to Akane, who glanced back to him and smiled a little. He smiled back, and then returned his attention to Daikoku. "I hope you're ready for one Hell of a race, old man."

Daikoku chuckled at that. "By the time this is over, my boy, you'll be calling me Papa."

Bowing her head somewhat, to better hide it, Kaori's lips curved into a serene smile.

* * *

_"Ranma, I have nothing against this girl, but she's going down."_

_"Agreed, that's why we're doing everything we can to make sure she doesn't win."_

_"You not having to worry about a thing, I make sure rich bitch not win."_

_"Thanks Shampoo."_

_"That said, don't expect to win either, Akane."_

_"Hmph…we'll see about that, bitch."_

Fireworks were going off in the air above the starting line that Sunday, as thousands turned out for the Miss Martial Arts Takeout Race. As expected, it was more than a mere race, with a full blown festival having been built up around it the Friday before. Today was the main event, and dozens of cute delivery girls were milling about at the starting line, getting ready to run to victory.

"So have we been told where we're delivering to yet?" Akane asked Ranma near the starting line. Ranma was slurping down some ramen, a quick snack to keep her on her toes.

"Not yet, we don't get the address until like just before the race." She replied before offering her the bowl. "Want the rest?"

Akane smiled and took the cup before slurping down the rest of the noodles. "Mm…thank you." As she drank down the broth, she noticed Sayuri and Yuka looking for her and quickly polished it off. "Sayuri! Yuka! Over here!"

Both girls brightened and made their way over, to exchange their girly pleasantries, as Shampoo made her way over to Ranma, walking her bike along. "Hey Shampoo."

"Hey." Shampoo responded before smirking. "What a cute uniform, ramen wench. You look like an adorable little maid."

"Oh don't you even start, you know I had little say in all of this." Ranma groused back, before narrowing her eyes. "You remember the plan, right?"

Shampoo nodded. "Relax we been over this hundred times. The rich bitch doesn't win, I didn't forget."

"Good." Ranma looked around. "Have you seen her?"

"No, not seen her yet." Shampoo replied as she looked to the back seat of her bike and checked the contents of her delivery. A pristine bowl of ramen sat in the container. She stopped, and then stared past her. "Ranma, do not turn around."

The character of Shampoo's expression told Ranma mostly why. "If I do, I'm going to see something stupid, aren't I?"

"Yes, stupid and humiliating." Shampoo replied.

"Describe it for me." Ranma said, definitely not wanting to look.

Shampoo did so, gravely. "Your Father is in drag and representing another vendor in the race."

It didn't take longer than a millisecond for Ranma to be in Genma's face, smacking him atop his head. "Are you making fun of me?"

Genma adjusted his wig. "No, I'm ensuring that we win something in the event that you fail. Plus, I'm going to run interference against that Daikoku girl too."

Ranma grabbed Genma by the collar of his dress. "You had damn well better. Stay the fuck out of mine and Shampoo's way and do whatever you can. I ain't marrying that girl! You got that?"

"You don't have to tell me what to do, boy!" As the two bickered, a delivery girl in a black leather jacket, leggings, miniskirt, and wearing a motorcycle helmet rolled past on roller blades. Ranma immediately froze, and glanced back, and swore the girl was doing the same in return.

Genma noticed the brief exchange of looks, and frowned. "Do you suppose that's her?"

Ranma shook her head. "No, but…it was familiar."

The girl in black continued on to the starting line, before the master of ceremonies tapped on the microphone and called to the crowd. "Chin-pon-pon-pon~! Hello everyone and good morning, is it not a lovely day for a race? I am your master of ceremonies, Leeron-kun, announcing this most adorable race between lovely women. It's been quite a while since you've heard my voice, but don't be sad…I'm not going to leave you now."

The crowd broke into cheers, and one of the women in the crowd tossed her panties up to Leeron. He responded better to the pair of briefs that a young man in the crowd slung to him. "Oh my, I know who's going to be the real winner today. Now then, time to explain the rules."

Slipping the underwear inside the suit he wore, Leeron continued to the crowd. "The contestants must converge on the address determined at random, and successfully deliver their food to the customer. Successful delivery is determined by the customer eating the food. If the food is destroyed or rendered otherwise inedible, it is considered a disqualification. As for how you protect your food and how you prevent others from succeeding…"

Leeron winked to the crowd. "…There are no rules."

Akane looked at Ranma and Shampoo, and quietly realized that this was going to be the last year the Miss Martial Arts Takeout Race would ever be held. Ranma smiled when she heard that, and then looked to Genma. "Sorry Pop, but it looks like you wasted your time. This race is as good as mine."

Genma snorted. "We shall see, boy."

Mounting her bike, Shampoo looked over to Cologne and the Cat Café's staff. Cologne called out to her. "Remember! If you win, then we get central air!"

Fire burned in Shampoo's eyes at that. Air conditioning, a luxury she'd desired since she first came to Japan, would be all hers. Oh, and along the way she'd pay back Ranma for edging her out their first race. This was going to be fun.

"Oh, what is this? A blushing bride has joined us!" Leeron called out, and everyone looked to the center of the starting line, where Kaori Daikoku approached dressed in the kimono she had first appeared in, carrying with her a plain box containing a steaming bowl of ramen. "How lovely and unorthodox, I hope she doesn't plan to run this race in that…"

As the crowd laughed and jeered at the sight of a homely bride, Kaori gripped the handle of the box and grew tense. Almost immediately, Genma, Ranma, Akane, and Shampoo sensed the presence coming off the girl, like beams of light zipping through their heads. She stood up and hurled the box into the air, the wedding kimono and its shroud going flying with it, revealing a beautiful young woman in a blue gi, red tights, and with long brown hair and piercing blue eyes.

The gasping crowd watched as the container fell back to earth, and landed perfectly in Kaori's hand, the door opening to reveal the bowl of ramen completely undisturbed despite its flight. "The heir to the Daikoku School of Delivery Martial Arts, Kaori Daikoku has arrived!"

Almost immediately, dread shot through all of the delivery girls, with one crying out in horror. "K-Kaori Daikoku is participating in this race!"

"Oh we're boned!" Another shouted.

"There's no way any of us can win, I give up!" Another lamented.

"This is unprecedented!" Leeron exclaimed. "With speed and power almost like a dragon, the 'Golden Wind' of Delivery Girls has humbled us with her presence!"

"The 'Golden Wind' of delivery girls?" Ranma asked, confused.

"In the Fukushima Prefecture," another girl filled her in, "The Daikoku School is also is a courier service even faster than the Cat Café. They're like mercenaries, not aligned to a particular restaurant but offering the services of their deliverymen as a contractual service. It's said by some, that Kaori Daikoku is the fastest delivery girl on Earth."

Ranma frowned. "Even faster than Shampoo?"

The delivery girl nodded grimly. Ranma looked over at Kaori, and snorted. "I'll believe it when I see it."

Akane ignored the despair from the other delivery girls, as she boldly made eye contact with Kaori, who regarded her in return with a dismissive look. Shampoo rested a hand on Akane's shoulder. "She's going down."

"Like a Yoshiwara whore." Akane replied as she turned to face the long downhill stretch that would start off the race. "Don't take it too hard when I win, by the way."

Shampoo smiled. "Want to make wager?"

"What?" Akane looked at Shampoo. "What did you have in mind?"

Shampoo smiled. "If I win, you have to treat to ice cream for two weeks."

Akane returned the smile. "Alright, then if I win, you have to treat me to ice cream for two weeks."

Shampoo extended her hand. "You have deal."

Akane shook hands with her, and turned her attention to the starting line. Down the row, Ranma, Genma, and Kaori stepped up to the white tape along with the many other girls itching to race. Up on the stage, Leeron produced a starting gun. "Ladies, get on your marks!"

The revving of engines of scooters and light trucks sounded as the less athletically inclined got ready to race. At the front of the line, the racers that mattered and Genma took to their marks. "Get set~."

_"If this girl really is a badass, I guess we're going to find out."_ Ranma thought as she tensed up to spring forth.

Leeron aimed the gun to the sky, and fired it. "GO!"

* * *

To the surprise of no one from the Cat Café or the Tendo Dojo on the sidelines, Ranma and Shampoo immediately burst ahead of the pack, as Kaori and Akane pursued them with incredible speed. The crowd surged after them, using the hill to pick up momentum and follow. They reached Kaori and Akane first, who were coasting down the hill to conserve strength.

Akane looked at Kaori, who looked back and gave a smirk before suddenly leaping at her with a kick. Akane blocked it with her free arm, and then lashed out with a kick of her own that missed Kaori but did knock the helmet off a passing pizza girl on her motor scooter.

Landing in a run, Kaori rushed down the hill in that Ninja-style running. Akane picked it up, but not before another scooter rider, having seen Akane's unintentional takedown, decided to try it out for herself. "You're going down, Eel girl!"

Akane drove her elbow into the headlight of the scooter, stopping it cold and sending the driver hurtling right over her head. Grabbing the scooter by the handlebars, she hurled it end over end straight for Kaori's back. It had just reached her, when Kaori leaped and performed a quick spin kick, slamming the scooter in the side of a delivery truck, knocking it onto its side and sending it skidding into a curb, knocking down a few other delivery girls on bikes and skateboards. She landed, and looked back up at Akane, smirking as she skidded down the hill.

"You think you're so clever." Akane said as she quickly closed in on Kaori and feinted a kick that she avoided, allowing Akane to leap and land on one of the now rider-less skateboards. With one kick, she was opening the distance between Kaori and the rest of the pack with ease. "See you!"

Kaori's smirk grew into a smile as she suddenly crouched low and then leaped off, shooting off like a rifle shot straight for Akane, who ollied into an Indy grab to block Kaori's punch. As Kaori yanked her hand back, Akane performed a pop shove-it, and spun the back of the board right into Kaori's jaw. Unfortunately, Kaori was a little faster, ducking under the board and Akane before kicking off again and moving like a blur.

Akane landed and kicked then pushed, accelerating after her. "Go ahead and run; you won't get far…ah!"

"Out of my way!" Genma yelled as he bowled Akane over, making her scramble to hold on to her food. Watching him continue on, she couldn't quite believe it.

"What…what the Hell are you doing in this race, you bastard?" She yelled after him.

Genma looked back, and gave the V-Sign. "Don't worry Akane; I'm on your side!"

"Are you really?" She called back as she caught up. Both then noticed the black blur racing towards them, and narrowly avoided the mystery delivery girl on rollerblades, who nearly clipped Genma as she passed. "Who the heck was that?"

Both watched her round the corner ahead, and then realized that they were now quite behind any of the real contenders of the race. Looking to one another briefly, Genma and Akane surged ahead to catch up.

* * *

Down the course, Shampoo was singing along as she rode her bike through a park. In one hand, she was checking her GPS on a fancy little touch screen phone that was also producing the music. "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my Poker Face~!"

She raised her eyebrows when she saw where the address led. "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my Poker…Face? AH!"

Shampoo swiftly performed a stoppie, lifting up the rear wheel of the bike and barely avoiding Ranma's kick aimed for her front tire. "I forget this still a race. Thanks for reminder, Ranma!"

She swung her bike around, narrowly missing Ranma as she back-flipped from the strike. "You listen to Lady Gaga, seriously?"

"I can enjoy good music, what wrong with that?" Shampoo said, before she stopped and looked ahead. "These organizers are tricky."

Ranma followed her gaze, and sure enough saw the signs that the earthen path through the trees ahead had been disturbed. "They did warn about obstacles, better stick to the edges of the path."

The two start around the carefully concealed pitfall hazards, Shampoo hopping off her bike and walking it on the right while Ranma strolled down the left side. Shampoo quickly rattled off a text message to Akane, warning her of the traps ahead. "Rich Bitch don't seem so bad, sure you not consider at least being friends with?"

Ranma shrugged her shoulders. "I can't say I have anything against her, she's just the kid of some guy my old man duped." She stopped and hovered her foot over a tripwire. She followed it up to the concealing leaves overhead, where a large cage was suspended precariously. "Watch out for wire."

Shampoo picked up her bike and stepped over the wire. "Thank you. You know, she probably not only one. A martial artist's life is one of hardship, yes? He probably bartered you for who knows what in order to survive and you having no clue."

"The thought occurred to me, yeah." Ranma replied as they reached the end of the obstacle course. She looked back towards it. "But there's not much I can do until whatever deals Pop made come back to haunt me."

Both sped up, Shampoo swinging herself onto her bike and Ranma breaking into a sprint as they began to cross a foot bridge that led to the next checkpoint of the race. As they reached the middle of the bridge, however, something fast raced across the surface of the river, passing directly underneath it.

_"An enemy!" _Both Ranma and Shampoo realized before the bridge split into pieces beneath their feet. Shampoo quickly jumped from one of the falling pieces and landed on the opposite shore. Ranma was in mid-flight when the enemy attacked, a blur clad in red that slashed at her with a very real and very sharp sword.

"Not so fast!" Ranma deflected the sword with the side of the delivery box before kicking her attacker and landing on one of the floating pieces. Her attacker landed on another partition, all of which began floating down the river. It was a ninja, female going by her appearance. "The Hell was that for?"

"Do not take this personally." The ninja spoke as she inverted the grip on her sword. "But I am here to take your life."

Ranma quickly threw her ramen container to Shampoo. "Hold on to this for me!"

Shampoo caught it. "You don't need help?"

"Just fine, I'll catch up!" Shampoo suddenly threw a thermos at Ranma, who caught it. "Huh?"

Shampoo smiled. "Finish up quick, I be waiting at finish line!" Securing the ramen with her own order, she sped off down the course.

Ranma slid the thermos into her belt, knowing that trying for it on the river would be a waste of her time. "Who the Hell are you?"

"I am just a professional." The ninja replied. "That is the only fact you will be given."

"Well then…" Ranma smirked. "You're welcomed to try!"

She kicked off her makeshift raft as copies of the Ninja suddenly descended from the trees that lined the banks, their blades piercing it before they disappeared in puffs of smoke. She came down on her assassin with a flying kick, which missed. As she landed, she ducked the ninja's sword and circled with her back to back before dropping to sweep her from her feet. The ninja jumped and performed a front-flip slash that Ranma narrowly avoided with a leap to another piece of the bridge. As the partition separated from the sword blow, the ninja jumped after Ranma.

"A professional…" Ranma murmured as she landed on and parried the blade with a chop to its side. She quickly began dodging the ninja's slashes. _"Who the Hell is sending a professional after me?"_

The ninja slammed her blade into the raft, slicing it into chunks that Ranma danced from one to the other before jumping to one of the halves of her previous raft. Seeing this, the Ninja leaped from the raft to a tree branch that extended over the river. Once again, she inverted the grip on her sword and held up the hilt.

"Who hired you?" She demanded angrily.

Flipping open a cover on the base of the hilt, she revealed a trigger. "Perish."

Ranma's eyes went wide as the ninja hit the trigger, and set off the explosives rigged beneath the bridge pieces, sending a huge geyser of water rocketing into the air.

* * *

Akane grimaced when she heard the blast. "What was that?"

"Pay attention!" Kaori called out as she lunged with a flying kick that shattered the skateboard when Akane used it to block. Both martial artists leaped away from one another as they reached the pitfalls that Shampoo had warned her about. Almost immediately, she saw they had already claimed a few racers who had pulled ahead of the pack during their fighting.

Behind them, Genma grimaced as he reached the booby-trapped path. Akane and Kaori had gained a considerable lead over him. He quickly caught sight of them, rounding the pitfalls as they exchanged blows amidst other racers trying to carefully negotiate the path. "Heh…go get her, Akane-chan."

Jumping back from a kick, Kaori looked past Akane at Genma before focusing on the former. She suddenly lunged forward, one finger extended to strike for Akane's container. Quickly, she recognized the attack. _"The Breaking Point!"_

She tossed her container into the air, and Kaori's finger drove into the box of another racer, and tapped loudly against it. Catching her container, she went wide-eyed when she heard a pop from inside the other container. "What was that…?"

The other delivery girl opened the container, and then went wide-eyed, what was once a whole roast chicken had been blasted to shreds inside the undamaged container. "M-my food's been ruined!"

"Daikoku School Delivery Martial Arts Secret Technique…" Kaori announced. "…Delivery Case Crush."

Akane took a step back from Kaori, who immediately shot towards her at frightening speed. "This is the end!"

Akane then smirked and jumped back, tripping the cage that Shampoo helpfully alerted her to as well. The cage fell just as Akane cleared it, landing right over Kaori and successfully trapping her. Looking at the cage, and tapping it to find it was quite durable (it'd at least hold her for about a minute by the look of it), Akane turned and began to run away. She wasn't going to gloat; she had to win this race. Genma, however, was going to.

"Ah, looks like you were trapped, Princess. Don't worry; I'm sure a plumber will be along to lend a hand!" He said before laughing boisterously at his own joke.

Kaori stared at him. "I'm sorry, I don't get it."

Genma stopped, and then stared at her. "You know, Princess? Like in Peach, and a plumber, who is going to save you? Haven't you ever played a Mario game?" Akane buried her face in her palm and began to sprint.

"I'm sorry; I never had time for games." Kaori said as a light green battle aura began to manifest around her. It quickly grew and turned near black. "I never had any time to be a child, thanks to you, Genma Saotome."

The ensuing blast made Akane stop and look back, and just in time too to narrowly duck under the twisted piece of the cage the blast had flung at her. His arms crossed to protect him, Genma skidded to a stop at the edge of a pit. The explosion had severely burned his dress, set part of his wig on fire, and badly smudged his makeup, but he was otherwise unhurt, a testament to his durability as a martial artist.

At the center of the blast zone, Kaori shambled forward, her shoulders slumped and her head lowered. Her container barely hung on the end of her fingers, as she stared at the ground. Her stance resembled a reanimated corpse, a heavy atmosphere hanging around her. "Because of you and my fool of a father, my entire life so far has been wasted on training to be the perfect wife for the son of a con man."

Genma lowered his arms slightly, but his guard remained up. "Well then, take that up with your Father! I was just trying to eat!"

Akane was in agreement, if Kaori was not in favor of the engagement, then why all of this? "He's right! What's the point of you honoring the engagement then?"

Kaori's aura began to expand as she raised her free hand, aiming straight for Genma. Akane could not hear Kaori's answer over the roar of the gathering aura before she fired.

The blast came again, and like before Genma easily blocked it, not budging an inch from where he stood. He snorted, that kind of burned a little. "Is that all you've got, young lady?"

Kaori was suddenly in close, thrusting a finger for Genma's gut. He managed to leap back, just as the tip of her finger made contact. He landed and slid to a halt on his heels right next to Akane, ruining them in the process. Akane looked down at the destroyed shoes, and then back up at Genma. "Heels, too?"

Genma didn't reply, instead he gripped his stomach in pain and fell to his knees, gasping desperately for breath. Akane's eyes widened. "Old man, are you alright?"

"She…she did something." Genma gasped before he doubled over and vomited not only his lunch, but blood as well. Akane looked back at Kaori, and then at her hand.

_"No way, that weird technique works on food in people's stomachs too?"_

Kaori's aura quickly receded, as she stared at the downed Saotome patriarch. "I'm going to destroy all proof of the existence of the Saotome Family and their school, for the injustice of having my life determined before I could even understand what life was! This is the revenge of Hell!"

Akane set the container of food down, and then assume a fighting stance, her expression hard as she prepared to unload a can of whoop-ass on Kaori. "I don't care if you kill the old bastard, but I will not allow you to harm Ranma."

Kaori smiled. "Oh? Are you so sure?" As Akane grew tense, she elaborated. "That explosion you heard a while ago was my assassin taking care of Ranma. He's likely in pieces at the bottom of the river by now."

Akane snarled, as she suddenly charged Kaori. "Like Hell, Ranma would lose to some hired mook!"

Her punch was deflected by Kaori, her following kick was blocked but the blow's force threw Kaori into a tree. "Ah!"

Like a freight train powered by a Saturn V, Akane barreled straight for Kaori, who immediately jumped up and over the spear that uprooted the tree and toppled it with great force. As she landed, Akane was right on top of her with a punch aimed for her jaw. Kaori narrowly dropped down and raised a kick into Akane's side, sending her into another tree.

Akane landed, and swept her hand across the tree as she slid to a halt before jamming her hand deep into the bark. She then lifted the tree from its cleanly sliced stump over her head and swung it straight down on Kaori like a hammer.

"Bitch you do NOT fuck with me!" She roared angrily.

Through the leaves, Kaori burst like a missile. Producing three pairs of chopsticks between her fingers, she threw the, and they impacted through the ground like deadly needles as Akane rolled clear of them. As she got on her feet, Kaori kicked off another tree, and quickly threw a storm of fish cakes at her so dense that Akane couldn't see past them.

"Fishcake Blizzard!" She announced the name of her attack. Cracking her knuckles one handed, Akane waved said hand in front of her, slicing the fish cakes neatly to pieces with little effort.

Of course Kaori would not be behind them, but that was okay, Akane's roundhouse kick completely aborted her attempt at a sneak attack as she raised her arms to block it. "What did I just tell you?"

Kaori peered over her raised fists, before opening them and blowing a red powder into Akane's face, blinding her with the red pepper. "Ah!"

Kaori's foot drove straight into Akane's gut, before she switched and performed a rising kick that connected with Akane's chin. As Akane stumbled back, Kaori unleashed a barrage of lightning fast kicks, striking her again and again, each consecutive blow pushing Akane further back until a final strike drove her against a tree.

Her watering eyes made Akane's vision blurry, and she could only see the shape of Kaori raising her arm and then charging towards her to deliver the finishing blow to her stomach. _"I shouldn't have eaten that ramen…"_She lamented before a figure in black intervened, deflecting Kaori's blow before elbowing her in the chest and back-handing her away, stumbling head over heels into hole in the ground. "What…?"

Kaori emerged from the hole, and then stopped when she found the leather-clad rollerblade delivery girl staring back.

* * *

A/N: Seriously, any ideas anyone?


	19. Take Me Out Part 2

Disclaimer: I'm ambivalent towards Lady Gaga, personally.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Take Me Out Part 2

_I know I won't be leaving here, with you…_

**[19.]**

Down the creek, Ranma emerged from the water on the shore of a derelict neighborhood. Hauling herself from the water and ripping away her damaged maid uniform to reveal a more unisex pair of shorts and a T-shirt she shook her head to get the excess water out of her hair before picking up the thermos.

"Some professional, explosives aren't going to hurt a guy like me. I've been through worse." She growled before she paused and took a look at her surroundings. It looked familiar.

It was an abandoned old neighborhood, overgrown with tall grass and young trees that joined forces with the older trees to cast most of it in shadow. The crumbling buildings indicated one thing though; this slum had been abandoned for years. Ranma found this puzzling, since when were there places like this in Tokyo? Wait…

"This is…" Before she could finish her thought aloud, movement off to his side alerted her. She raised her guard and watched as someone quickly retreated around the side of an old house. Was it that ninja?

She walked out into the cracked and litter strewn street, the shadows of the leaves overhead interspersed with splashes of light from the sun creating a surreal sense that Ranma was in another world. As she continued down the street, her guard raised, she heard the familiar sound of laughter, a child's laughter. "Hello?"

Footsteps sounded behind her and she whirled around to face it, only to catch the tail-end of a ponytail retreat around another corner. Her eyes widened when she got a good look at the buildings behind her. "This…this is…my old neighborhood."

The ninja suddenly attacked, dropping from the trees above with her copies, all throwing kunai and throwing stars. They had just reached her when Ranma hurled herself clear of the projectiles and landed with the thermos in hand. In her other hand, she held several of the thrown weapons.

Her copies disappearing, the ninja's eyes widened when Ranma swiftly threw her own weapons back, before deflecting them with her sword. As she finished the motion, Ranma, now male suddenly came in close, throwing a kick for her head. She attempted to block, but the kick was much too fast, catching her in the jaw and sending her hurtling towards another house.

"I got you!" Ranma declared with an angry treble in his voice, before the ninja suddenly exploded into a log. "Figures…"

He ducked down, the ninja's sword passing where his neck was, and then kicked back, the ninja blocking with the flat of her sword. As she was pushed back by the hit, Ranma lunged after her, fire in his eyes. "You don't stand a chance now, lady!"

"We'll see!" As she jumped back, a horde of her copies descended on Ranma from all directions with blades ready. Ranma quickly stopped, and stood stock still as the copies reached him. Like striking an invisible barrier, the ninja copies suddenly recoiled, and exploded in small puffs of smoke, startling their progenitor.

"Was that a barrier…?" She asked before she saw the steam rising from Ranma's hands. "No, he struck each one!"

Ranma glowered at the ninja, his gaze narrowing. "Who hired you? Tell me before I beat it out of you!"

The ninja quickly produced a smoke bomb and threw it to the ground, creating the appropriate black smoke she disappeared with. Ranma was no slouch, he quickly caught sight of her, moving across rooftops and then into the trees. He wasted no time in quickly pursuing her. "Get back here!"

* * *

Wiping her eyes again, Akane watched as her savior attacked Kaori, jumping to deliver a flying knee that was quickly blocked, the rollerblader dropped down, performing a wheel assisted sweep that took Kaori off her feet. Landing on her hands however, Kaori sprung away and landed on the opposite side of a pit.

To her surprise, the other delivery girl was hurtling towards her, performing a graceful triple axel that turned into a fearsome spin-kick that drove Kaori face-first into the ground. Akane's eyes widened, just from that move alone, she recognized who it was.

"That style…!" Kaori suddenly threw a pair of chopsticks at the other girl's face, the projectile hitting her motorcycle helmet and splitting it open. The girl recoiled as the helmet fell away, revealing her face. "…Azusa Shiratori!"

Kaori was quickly on her feet. "…Shiratori?" She stared at the other girl, who quickly adopted a fighting stance. "This is none of your business."

"I think it is~." Azusa replied in her usual singsong tone. "You're messing with someone I owe quite a bit to, and I'm eager to repay my debt!"

Kaori snorted, and then looked back. Where did Akane go? Azusa suddenly attacked, slashing at her face with her roller blades, Kaori jumped back, and then jumped again as Azusa pursued, proving to be as adept on rollerblades as she was on ice skates, her speed and momentum keeping her in close with the nimble delivery master. Landing after another jump, Kaori lashed out with a kick that crossed Azusa's and directed both their blows above their heads.

Both martial artists repelled like magnets from one another, the kneepad on the leg Azusa had kicked with split in half, and clattered to the ground. Kaori smirked, and produced several more chopsticks. "You're not exactly at your prime, are you Shiratori?"

Azusa, panting, tried to ignore the pain in her leg from the blocked kick. Kaori was right, even after all this time she was hurting from Akane's beating. The power behind that blow reminded her of Akane's as a matter of fact, this girl was no joke. However, she had done what she set out to do as Akane suddenly appeared behind Kaori, and wrapped her arms around her waist. Shocked, Kaori tried to break free, but it was too late.

"You're through!" Akane yelled as she jumped into the air, in a spin, and arced over before driving Kaori head first into one of the empty pitfalls. When the smoke from the impact cleared, Akane was walking away, while Kaori lay unconscious at the bottom of the hole. She looked to Azusa, and smiled. "Thanks for the assist, but…why?"

Azusa smiled big. "Like I said, I owe you a big favor, so I'm going to pay you back any way I can."

Akane smiled, and then looked down at Kaori. "Well at least with I can safely say that the engagement to the Daikoku family is off. Did you see what I did with my food?"

Azusa held up the container. "You mean little Clementine?"

Akane stared flatly at Azusa, and then held out her hand. "Can I have 'Clementine' back?"

Laughing, Azusa handed the container to her. "Of course, widdle Clementine missed her mommy!"

"You're still on that cute thing, aren't you?" She asked as she began walking for the destroyed bridge.

Azusa just laughed again. Together, the two took off, not at all considering they had left Genma lying in a puddle of his own filth. Watching them go, he let out a sigh and looked at his own food container. "Don't mind me…I'll just lay here…dying…"

A delivery girl in a hat and sunglasses ran by and kicked Genma's delivery case over, shouting "Booyah!" along the way. Genma wept.

* * *

Leaping from branch to branch, like some sort of ninja from a children's television show, Ranma stayed only a few paces behind the ninja, watching her long ponytail as it whipped behind her after her frantic movements. He wasn't going to let her get away so easily, especially after talking all that big shit about taking his life. Landing on another branch, he went wide-eyed when he saw the gleams of trip wire being disturbed.

"Damn it!" He yelled out before several explosives went off. As Ranma jumped clear of the blasts, he hurtled right through more of the trap lines, with explosive tags strung over them. "Not more of this Naruto bull–!"

A much larger explosion ripped through the trees, as the ninja landed near the top of another unusually tall tree. From the smoke and flames she stared into, however, Ranma emerged unscathed…and quite pissed. "Your cheap tricks won't work against me."

He spotted the ninja, and threw something at her, the thermos. Quickly, she sliced through it with her sword…triggering a few of her very own explosive tags that he'd nicked from the wire trap. It was her turn to be caught in the explosion, as Ranma landed on an adjacent tree branch. When the smoke cleared, however, Ranma saw another log plummet to the ground. Begrudgingly, he conceded that she was pretty good at running away at least.

Ranma sprung off in pursuit, venturing deeper into the trees. They seemed to grow taller, and their shadows longer and darker as he soldiered on, a presence began to fill the air, and he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck begin to rise.

Landing on a branch, he thought he saw movement to his side, but saw only the rustling of leaves. He sprung off again, and scanned the airspace around him. Only when he landed, did he catch sight of the ninja again, hurrying further ahead, a straight shot into a literal cavern created by the opaque canopy of trees.

He stared into the abyss as he raced into it, and felt the presence begin to seep into his senses better. Almost immediately, Ranma regretted it, as a vile and potent hatred shot straight to his heart and spread outwards from it in every direction ripping its way through his body and causing his pulse to race, his skin crawl, and a cold sweat to swath his body. This was not just killing intent, this was a promise conveyed through aura alone. To go any further would be certain death.

_"This feeling…"_ What shook him the most, however, was the other feeling that mixed in with it. It was a sense of nostalgia, a perverse comfort in its own way that drew him deeper into the clutches of the murderous intention. Through the darkness, he spotted light ahead, and sped up.

Fear, something he'd only reserved for cats, death by seppuku, and the thought of losing Akane, urged him forward even as he tried to rationalize it away. He was Ranma Saotome, he was not afraid of anybody, he was not afraid of this.

He was.

The trees gave way to a run down shrine, in even worse condition than the neighborhood nearby, its front and the path that led to it illuminated by ethereal rays of afternoon sun that beamed through the thinner leaves overhead. His heart pounding in his ears, Ranma stared at the deceptively peaceful scene as he began to approach the steps. He knew this place…

"When I was little…" He murmured. "…This is where Pop and I lived."

He set one foot on the first step, and froze. He looked up, and saw the ninja standing on the edge of the shrine's roof. The ninja stared down at him, only her eyes visible through her mask. Ranma steeled himself as he spoke. "Who sent you?"

Drawing her sword again, the Ninja leaped down towards Ranma, the ambient light gleaming off her blade brightly and blinding him. Before she could strike a grievous blow, however, a pair of projectiles struck her blade and knocked it from her hands before several more pinned her to the front door of the dilapidated shrine.

"Huh? What the…?" Ranma gasped, before a young man called out from behind him.

"These derelict ruins you see, are the past, Ranma Saotome."

"The past…?" Ranma began, before he stopped, his eyes wide. His senses were numb, an overwhelming weight of presence crushing them from all sides, but it wasn't hostile like the one before. He slowly looked back, and saw over his shoulder a young man with long hair done in a ponytail reaching down his back. He could not see his face.

"Like the past, these places once meant something, to someone. However, in time they were abandoned to decay, forgotten and will one day become nothing–not even a footnote." The youth's voice was very calm, and soft, but he spoke with a clear and blunt projection. "Until today when you came here, did you ever think of this place?"

No he hadn't. Ranma's eyes went wide. No…it couldn't be. The newcomer continued. "The past can be abandoned to ruin, but it will always remain, as a bitter memory or fond nostalgia. And when we face the past, sometimes we find it became something we are not prepared to see or accept."

"Even worse…" He continued. "…The past can come back to haunt you when you least expect it, and not only affect your present, but your future as well. Keep this in mind, as you rejoin the race, Ran-chan."

Ranma whirled around to face the young man completely, but he was gone. When he looked back, the ninja was gone as well, leaving only the projectiles embedded in the walls…miniature spatulas. Realization hit him, as he picked up one of the weapons.

"…Ucchan…"

* * *

"The final racers are approaching the address!" Leeron announced from a helicopter covering the Takeout Race, down below, the camera focused on the three leading racers, first Shampoo with a commanding lead over the next two closest, Azusa Shiratori and Akane Tendo. The camera then panned to the mansion that served as their destination. "The delivery girls are close, it's looking like that the Cat Café's Shampoo may pull off the win!"

"Let's have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick…" Shampoo sang along to her phone as she cruised along without a care. "…Let's have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick…"

Akane snorted. With Kaori out of the way, all that was left was to win the race, and she was in a winning mood. "Lady Gaga sucks, hey Azusa!"

"Yes~?" Azusa sang.

"Do you like eel teriyaki?" She asked.

Azusa immediately licked her lips. "I love it! Why do you ask?"

Akane pointed at the mansion. "Launch me towards that house and I'll split a years worth of it for free with you!"

"Okay!" Grabbing Akane's free hand, Azusa quickly went into a rapidly accelerating spin, lifting Akane off the ground as they both became a blur. "Ready…? Here…we…GO!"

At the peak of her spin, she threw Akane like a missile, sending her hurtling in a ballistic trajectory straight for the mansion. Shampoo looked up and went wide-eyed at Akane's flight. It immediately brought back memories of Ranma's victory over her in their first race. In Chinese, she indignantly yelled. "What the Hell is with these Japanese and launching themselves through the air?"

She put the lead out, her bike tires leaving scorch marks in the ground as she sped up to plow straight through the wall of the mansion, which she did with ease. Akane's flight did not go unnoticed by Leeron, especially since she had hurtled straight through the open doors of the helicopter, barely missing him. "It looks like this race is far from over! Was that? Oh my, it was! The Worldwide Road Roller herself, Akane Tendo is descending towards the delivery address! Shampoo has already breached the front gate and is going through the front door! This will be close!"

Dressed in a black kimono, Tatewaki Kuno somberly mourned. To be loved by two such wonderful women, and yet forced to choose between them. His heart was breaking, crumbling in his chest, with only the bittersweet knowledge that the love of the girl whom came through that door would be the glue that pieces it back together. Would it be Akane, or the Pigtailed Girl? He could not live without either, and to break the heart of one simply tore him up.

"Please…forgive me, ladies. I must…I must for the sake of happiness!" He roared to God, Buddha, and Kamen Rider, all of them wondering why no one had killed that little shit yet. At that moment, the front door, its frame, and the wall surrounding it bulged forward before exploding with great force, slamming him into the opposing wall. The Holy Trinity was pleased.

Sliding down from the wall, Kuno blinked and peered into the dust that now filled his sitting room. "What sort of trickery is this?" He then saw a figure emerge through the hole in the wall, a figure he definitely identified as female. "Wait…can it be? It is!"

He rushed into the dust, and immediately embraced her. "Oh! You have come, you have come…!" The dust blurred his vision; he could not tell which of his lady loves had come to him. Was it Akane or the Pigtailed Girl? He immediately reached up and groped one of her breasts. It was large, and quite soft to the touch. Yes, it could only be the pigtailed girl. "Pigtailed Girl, I knew you would come!"

Shampoo stared up at Kuno, her face a brilliant red. She was, however, not the least bit aroused by Kuno roughly squeezing one of her two most cherished assets like it was a stress ball. Closing her eyes and baring her teeth, she trembled in rage as she balled her hand into a fist. "You die now."

She drove the uppercut straight into his jaw, smashing him up towards the ceiling as Akane came through it with a flying kick that tagged him straight in the back of the head. Her momentum carried them both back into the floor, with Kuno's face breaking all of Akane's fall. Seeing this, Shampoo could not be more satisfied. She rubbed her breast, already feeling sore.

"That idiot got hands like clamps, what the fuck." She growled. Stepping off Kuno's back, Akane looked down at him and then over at Shampoo.

"Why is Kuno here?" She looked down at him, and then around. "Oh no, don't tell me this is his house."

Shampoo checked her GPS and sighed as Kuno began to get up slowly. "It looks like it."

Outside, the helicopter had landed and Leeron, complete with a few judges and a TV Crew barged in through the hole Shampoo created. "It looks like we have a three-way tie…how kinky."

Shampoo looked back. "Three way…?"

She then looked down and saw one of the containers missing. Smiling, she looked back over to Ranma, who was looking down in confusion as Akane nudged Kuno with her foot. "Ranma, you okay!"

"Yeah, that ninja was no big deal…" Ranma said as Akane quickly ran over to nearly tackle her with her embrace. "Oof! Hey Akane…"

Akane checked her over, finding her outfit ruined and reduced to her apron aside from her shirt and shorts. "Ranma, that professional was sent by Kaori Daikoku! She tried to kill your Father!"

Hearing this, Ranma sagged in relief. "Are you sure it was her?"

"She told me as much. She really hates you Ranma, you and your Father." Akane said as she continued to hug her. She then stopped and looked up. "Wait, why did I have to be sure?"

Akane found Ranma's expression stoic, serious even. She shook her head. "It's nothing, I just ran into someone from my past…a friend. He warned me about this, I guess this confirms it."

Pulling away from the embrace, Akane turns to face Kuno again. "Well, we have a three way tie, now what?"

Ranma looked over to Shampoo, and then to Kuno. "I guess the first to get Kuno to eat their delivery wins, right?" She looked back at Leeron and the judges, who all silently nodded. She then looked at her friends suddenly turned rivals. "Oh boy…"

Akane suddenly jumped back from Ranma, keeping her out of range of her food container, as Shampoo swung herself off her bike and let it fall to the ground, her own food container in hand. All three looked back and forth between the other, the tension in the room skyrocketing.

"I thought it would end like this." Shampoo said with a smile. "I just mad I not have a weapon, though I don't need one against you, Akane."

Akane smirked. "I've done a lot of training since that day, I'm even better than before."

Ranma just chuckled. "I've got you both beat, sorry girls."

Shampoo drew a pair of chopsticks, as Akane and Ranma did the same. "Are we done with our boasting? Because in the end, it comes to who the best _woman_ is, so may _she_ win."

Unable to resist, Akane agreed. "You got it, Shampoo."

Ranma immediately got it. "Oh, you're both bitches."

Kuno was on his feet, looking at both Ranma and Akane. Both of them were here, his two loves, at the same time. Frankly, he was not sure if his body was ready for such a task. "Pigtailed Girl…Akane…" He looked back. "…And you as well, Mortal Foe, I had no idea that you all loved me so."

The tension kind of drained out of the room at that, as all three girls stared at each other. Ranma spoke first. "What now?"

It was Akane who reacted first. "Oh just forget whatever he's ranting about! Hey Kuno, please eat this eel teriyaki I made you!"

Whirling around, to face Akane, Kuno's heart soared. "Akane, you have even come bearing a meal for me, truly you will be a fine wife!"

"What meal?" Shampoo asked, as she promptly punted the container out of Akane's hand. Eyes widening, Akane shot off after it to keep it from being ruined. When she turned to Kuno, she found Ranma cuddling up to Kuno's arm, nuzzling his shoulder as she held her bowl of ramen in one hand and chopsticks with a bunch of noodles in the other.

"Oh Kuno-sama…please, eat this humble offering of mine?" She said in her sweetest tone imaginable, as Shampoo recoiled in disgust at how low Ranma was willing to stoop. Sitting on the chandelier that she'd caught her teriyaki in, Akane looked down at Ranma and growled as she removed the dish itself from the delivery container, and whipped the latter at the back of Ranma's head, off which it bounced to hit the side of Kuno's.

"An excellent deflection from Akane-chan, she's not to be counted out so soon!" Leeron called out, before Shampoo skipped over to Kuno, now free of Ranma's grasp. "Shampoo-chan is making her approach; it seems she's armed with chow mein!"

Rubbing his head, Kuno stopped when Shampoo strolled over with hands behind her back her chest thrust out a bit. Naturally, Kuno's eyes fell upon Shampoo's best foot forward, before he looked up to her face. "Oh my…you are…quite lovely, temptress…"

Shampoo gave him a hilariously fake smile as she wound up some noodles on her chopsticks. She spoke to him in a saccharine, seductive tone. "Why thank you. Now open your mouth and close your eyes and I'll give you big surprise."

Quite eager to receive his surprise, Kuno did as told and Shampoo lashed out with a Chestnut fast strike, only for her chopsticks to be stopped cold by a pair of Ranma's as she slid between them. "Useless!"

Shampoo pouted, and struck again, only to be stopped once more to the cry of "Useless". "Come on!" She yelled as her hand became a blur in a barrage of attempts to feed Kuno. Ranma blocked or deflected every strike, taunting her with every block.

"It's useless! Useless! Useless! Useless!" Ranma chanted over Shampoo's own battle cry, as both their hands moved like blurs to try to get past one another. Off to the side, Leeron and the others gaped in amazement.

"It's…it's a Stand-off…" Leeron realized, as Akane walked over and led Kuno away from the dueling women by the hand. "Oh, what's this?"

Sitting Kuno down at a nearby table, she set her tray of eel teriyaki down, and gracefully set a pair of chopsticks before bowing with her forehead resting on her hands. "I beseech you, eat my lord."

Kuno stared at Akane's food, and then picked up the chopsticks. He grabbed up the slab of eel and held it up. "For you, my love…I will do anything."

Akane immediately snatched the eel teriyaki off the table and the slab from his hands as Shampoo's foot crashed through where the former was as Ranma's foot plowed into Kuno's face. "You can't pull a fast one on us!"

Shampoo went straight after Akane as she retreated. "I'll destroy your food once and for all!"

Ducking under a kick aimed for her food, Akane dragged her fingers across the floor in a half circle, before escaping a stomp and completing the circle around Shampoo. As Shampoo turned to lunge after her, she suddenly dropped through the hole Akane cut into the floor with a squeal. Akane raised her fingers and blew smoke off her finger tips. "Sayonara, bitch!"

She turned around, and Ranma was waving to her as Kuno prepared to chow down on some ramen. Desperate times called for desperate measures. "Hey Kuno, look!"

Kuno looked over, and dropped both ramen and chopsticks when Akane opened her top, and gave him a spectacular view of her breasts…and the plain white sports bra that held them in place. Not like Kuno cared, tits were tits, and these were Akane's tits.

"Fair Akane Tendo…you would bare your succulent breasts to me?" He asked as he made his way over in a daze. Ranma sat up, furious.

"What the fuck, Akane?" She yelled at her. Akane stuck her tongue out at Ranma, before taking a step back from Kuno.

"Do you want to feast on my pure, untouched flesh, Kuno-sama?" She asked, to which Ranma coughed a very loud "Bullshit". "First, you must feast…on this…"

Before Akane could shove the eel teriyaki into his mouth, Shampoo burst through the floor, delivering a crushing uppercut to Kuno that sent him flying into the ceiling with a loud, house-shaking bang. "Not so fast!"

"This…" Leeron said, in awe. "…This is becoming unreal."

* * *

Upstairs, Kodachi had been trying to sleep. Yesterday, Aunt Flow came to visit and dragged her off kicking and screaming to the Red Roof Inn, and she'd been miserable ever since. Generally, when this time came, all Kodachi wanted to do, and did, was sleep it all off and to that end she generally sealed herself in her room for five days with black drapes over the windows to keep it dark, a mini fridge stocked with the interims worth of light snacks and water, and a stereo streaming some American Soft Rock to keep everything nice and mellow. This was, in a way, her happy place despite the cramps, bloating, and headache…and the serenity of her home kept it happy.

So you could understand her being upset when Akane, Shampoo, and Ranma smashed through the front of her house and began raising an unholy racket with their fight to feed her brother. She had sat up when the initial explosion had sounded, and then laid back down, shrugging it off as the family ninja screwing up with something or other.

Then the crashes and sounds of combat began to filter over the soothing guitar of The Sultans of Swing, and Kodachi got irritated. The second verse being drowned out by Shampoo and Ranma's yelling was the penultimate straw that broke the camel's back.

"Whatever that racket is…it had better go away…" Her older brother then hit the ceiling with such force the entire house shook, knocking her stereo off the nightstand and her black curtains off the windows, beaming the blinding afternoon sun reflected off the pond outside her bedroom straight into her eyes.

When the camel's back broke, Kodachi actually became so furious she swung around thrice to get back to dead calm, as she got up and went to her closet. Whatever big brother was up to, she was going to put an end to it…with extreme prejudice.

Downstairs, Kuno laid on the ground, images of scantily clad Pigtailed Girl, Akane, and Shampoo running around his head in his daze. Standing over him, the three delivery girls stared each other down. The second he regained consciousness, they'd attack, but a question rested on all of their minds: Who would try to feed him, and who would try to destroy the other's dish?

Akane looked at Shampoo. _"The second I move, she's going to take out my food. But that's what I'm expecting. When she moves, I'm going to smash her chow mein…"_ She glanced at Ranma. _"And then smash his food when he dives for Kuno."_

Shampoo glowered at Akane. _"Akane thinks I'm going to let her counterattack me? The second she tries to take out my food, I'm going to kick Ranma's ramen out of his hand, and then I'm going to stuff that eel down her throat!"_

_"They think they've got me, pegged. The moment I move, Akane's going to attack Shampoo and Shampoo's going to try to kick my ramen from me. Good luck with that, the first thing I'm gonna do, is smash both their bowls!"_ Ranma thought resolutely. With all three unaware of the zero sum game they were about to play, they prepared to attack when the doors leading to the mansion's grand staircase were kicked open.

"Oh dearest brother…!" An unkempt and makeup-less Kodachi, wearing only a pair of panties and a long sweater, sang aloud as she walked in, jarring said brother from his concussion-induced delusion. His eyes were wide, as a very real fear crept into his features.

"Oh God, what have we done?" He asked as he looked towards Kodachi along with the girls.

"What is all of this noise that is rousing me from my torment?" Kodachi stopped when she saw Ranma, Akane, and Shampoo standing over her brother. Three girls very much all rivals in her affections for her Ranma-sama. Today was getting better, and better.

"Uh hi, Kodachi…" Akane said as she looked precisely at what she was carrying in her arms. "W-what's that you've got there?"

Shampoo immediately identified it as the spectators did and began running away for their lives. "Oh, that KORD Heavy Machine Gun, I always wanted one."

Ranma looked at Akane and Shampoo, and then back to Kodachi. Tatewaki was already scrambling for safety. "Flee for your lives! The red devil is upon us! There is no stopping her wrath!"

Ranma slowly looked back at Kodachi. "The red devil, but I thought it was the Black Rose."

Akane and Shampoo quickly put it together. "Ah, it's her period."

Kodachi held down the trigger, unleashing a hail of withering gunfire. All three charged towards the nearest doorway, the bullets ripping into the adjacent wall as Kodachi swept the weapon after them. Entering a long hallway, they ran down the polished hardwood floor as Kodachi slowly walked after them, the chain of ammo dragging on the floor behind her.

Akane cried out. "WHERE IN THE HELL DID SHE GET A HEAVY MACHINE GUN FROM?"

"Less asking and more running!" Ranma shouted as she kicked open the door waiting for them. Shampoo knocked her down before Akane checked her out of the way to get inside. Ranma scrambled to her feet as Shampoo leapfrogged over her and dove clear as Kodachi's gunfire poured through the doorway.

Leeron followed at a very safe distance, as he watched Kodachi walk down the hallway. "It seems that one of the homeowners is not pleased with our contest arriving at her doorstep. We're keeping our distance, but now it appears to have become a battle to the death!"

They were now in the dining room of the Kuno estate, which had a very long table complete with chairs going up and down it. Tatewaki opened a hidden door, and waved them over. "Ladies, this way quickly, we can hide here!"

There wasn't even a second thought as they bum-rushed Kuno and fell into the darkness. As soon as they passed the threshold, the wall panel Kuno emerged from slid shut, just as Kodachi entered the dining room. Looking around and finding no sign of her prey, she let out an unsatisfied huff.

"Ah, I wonder where they went." Leeron said, surprising Kodachi, who looked back at him, a question mark popping over her head. He looked up at her, and shook his head. "Girlfriend, do you need a Midol? I can get some from my makeup girl."

Outside, Azusa was eating her delivery order while she waited for the battle to be decided. The crashes, booms, and gunfire bothered her a little bit but she wrote it off as stuff Akane was generally used to. It was only when people began running and silence followed that she became concerned. Setting down her empty tray, she looked towards the house, before she noticed a green glow rapidly growing behind her.

* * *

"I was happier fighting a crazy ninja assassin…" Ranma griped aloud in the darkness.

Shampoo couldn't help a laugh. "Never would have figured that lipstick lesbian being a gun nut like me."

"Lipstick lesbian?" Akane asked. "Kodachi doesn't like girls that way."

"Sure she doesn't." Shampoo retorted.

"Whatever," Ranma muttered, "Where the Hell are we, anyway?"

On cue, Kuno clapped his hands twice, turning on the lights and revealing a large empty gymnasium. A rose in hand, Kuno looked to the trio. "Welcome to the comprehensive training facility of the Kuno family. I figured that since you are so eager to finish your battle and could do without my sister's interruption, we can finish it here."

Shampoo, Ranma, and Akane immediately looked at their respective dishes, and then back at Kuno. Ranma looked between the other two girls, and then sighed. "You know what? This crap isn't even really worth it. We beat that Daikoku Chick, so I really don't care about the prize."

She held out her bowl, as though ready to drop it. "I think I'm ready to call it a day and go home, how about you Akane?"

Akane hummed. "Well, I didn't want to be in this contest in the first place until that bitch Daikoku made a challenge out of it. Yes, I'm done."

Shampoo held out her chow mein as well. "Meh, the thought of feeding this idiot makes my vagina pucker, I going home. Let some other bitch win."

The three looked to each other, and Ranma smiled. "Well then, we forfeit, agreed?"

"Agreed." Both Akane and Shampoo replied. With that show of solidarity, all three of them dropped their dishes to the floor…and Ranma quickly kicked hers back into her hands and dashed straight for Kuno with fire in her eyes. Like Hell was she going to lose to anyone at anything!

She held her bowl up to Kuno's face, stopped only by Shampoo and Akane's dishes colliding with it. In surprise, she looked back and forth between Akane and Shampoo, who both had the exact same thing in mind. "Damn it…great minds think alike." All three lamented at the same time.

Kuno looked down at their bowls, and then to the girls. "You all desire me so desperately…" He spoke in reverence. "To take only one of your meals would be an insult to the others. Therefore, this leaves only one choice."

All three were immediately scooped up in Kuno's embrace, and crushed to his body…causing them all to drop their food onto the floor, ruining it. "I shall love you all equally!"

"He…" Akane squeaked.

Shampoo looked back at the broken bowl and spilled chow mein. "…Destroyed…"

"My…food…!" Ranma snarled as all three began to generate a powerful killing intent. The explosion that immediately followed however was not their creation. Screaming, all four were driven into the wall atop a green surge of energy that pounded all three of them deeply into it.

Ranma was the first up, coughing heavily. "What…what the Hell was that…?"

Akane recognized it immediately as she slowly got up. "Oh no…Daikoku…"

The two sat up to find Kaori standing in front of the large tunnel she blasted into the underground training area, hunched over in her zombie-like state of misery with that sickly green aura. Looking up through her messy bangs, she stared squarely at the trio of fighters plus Kuno before rolling her head to one side, her eyes looking dead and listless.

"I hate you so much…" She lamented in a tone heavy with despair as she rolled her head back before slumping forward, the battle aura intensifying. "…Why can't you just die…so I can finally be happy?"

Akane got up, burning with anger. "It isn't our problem! Take it up with your Father and cut the engagement, if you want to be happy!"

Kaori stared past Akane, dead straight at Ranma. "No…not until the Saotome blood is erased from this world…"

Ranma froze, struck by the immeasurable killing intent emanating from Kaori, aimed directly at her. Limply, she raised her hands and pointed them at the group. "Saotome…perish with my despair…"

Shampoo shot forward, straight for Kaori. Stopping short, she slammed a finger straight into the ground, splitting the ground straight for Kaori and forcing up floorboards and slabs of the concrete beneath as a makeshift barrier. Behind the barrier the light of Kaori's aura intensified, before another energy blast smashed through it like it was nothing, crashing into Shampoo as she crossed her arms to block it. She only managed a cry before she was driven back into the wall.

"No way…" Akane gasped. "Genma was able to block it twice before…"

She looked at Ranma who quickly snapped out of his shock when Shampoo was hit. Ranma quickly called out Kaori. "I'm the one you want to fight, right? So fight me!"

Quickly, Ranma rushed straight for Kaori. At the last second, Kaori swung out, blocking her kick with her forearm raised and her other hand bracing it. As Ranma pulled back from the attack, Kaori tilted her head over and pointed her hands at the object of her despair before unleashing another wave of the energy, blasting her into another wall and creating a tunnel into it.

Akane descended upon Kaori from above, her arms raised above her head as she swung down to slice the girl to ribbons. She stopped, however, when Kaori reached up and placed her hands on her chest. Looking up, with an utterly morose expression on her face, Kaori spoke. "This will hurt."

The blast that followed drilled Akane into the ceiling, through the ground and all the way to the second floor of the estate. Dropping her hands to her side, she looked at Ranma as she crawled from the hole in the wall, her clothes ripped up in the most appealing way possible and a murderous look on her face. Water was leaking from this particular tunnel, which had been drilled right beneath the pond outside the Kuno estate.

"It's gonna take a lot more than that to put me or any of us down, you crazy bitch." She seethed as she stepped forward through the ankle deep water.

Kaori moaned in anguish. "Ah…just die already!"

Her battle aura intensified, even greater than before, causing Ranma's to actually stop in her tracks. At the entrance to the tunnel leading outside, Leeron peered down at the scene. "What is going on there? A fourth competitor's shown up, but I can't tell who it is without going down there."

He looked back at a cameraman. "And according to the sponsors I'm too pretty to die, I'm afraid to say."

"What is this trickery?" Kuno got up, and looked at the glowing young woman. "By the Emperor…it's a witch!" A witch ready to slay his beloved Pigtailed Girl, no less! He would not let this continue. "Halt foul creature!"

Kaori blasted him back into the wall without even looking at him when he charged her. Raising her hands again, she pointed them at Ranma to deliver the finishing blow. "Now…die…"

A ribbon wrapped around her hands and pulled them together, before she was yanked back and slammed into the only intact wall of the gym. Tugging down the end of her sweater to preserve her modesty, Kodachi stared with bloodshot eyes at Kaori as the young woman fell from the imprint left in her wall. "Get out of my house."

Kaori's aura flickered, when she looked at Kodachi. "Excuse me?"

"I said, get out of my house…I am trying to sleep." She reiterated.

Kaori got up, and her aura decreased exponentially as she stared at the curious sight before her. She almost didn't recognize Kodachi in this state, until she saw the ribbon. She frowned. "Sorry, but I've got business to attend to with Ranma."

Kodachi's eyes widened a bit. "Ranma?"

A chance and Ranma wasted no time in taking it. "Kodachi, that girl wants to kill m–the male Ranma!"

Hearing this, Kodachi became outright furious. Kaori looked from Ranma to Kodachi, and huffed. "You're welcomed to try to stop me."

Kodachi responded by letting out a loud, sharp whistle, before calling out. "Mr. Turtle, it's time for lunch."

Ranma blinked when she heard the tunnel she had been blasted into begin rumbling. Turning back, she only caught sight of the huge torrent of water just as it washed over her, sweeping both her and Shampoo into a maelstrom that filled the entire gym quickly to the ceiling. Tatewaki, holding his breath for dear life, tried to swim somewhere, anywhere, but was quickly struck by Shampoo and Ranma and carried towards the only out, the tunnel created by Kaori.

Speaking of, Kaori surprisingly managed to stand her ground despite the torrent, and stared down at Kodachi, who was also standing in place as well beneath the swirling waters. Then, she saw a massive shape float in behind Kodachi and stare directly at her. Like Kodachi's own, the creature's eyes seemed to shine a demonic red in the murky waters.

* * *

At the edge of the tunnel, Leeron dove clear as the water began to gush out through the tunnel, with Ranma, Shampoo, and Kuno emerging with the torrent and crashing into the wall of the mansion. Leeron looked at the gusher, and brought the microphone to his lips. "It would appear that I've seen everything now."

And then Kaori Daikoku was blasted from the tunnel…followed by a fifty foot long Saltwater Crocodile with its jaws wide open to capture the flung young woman between them. On its back, Kodachi road like a surfer, a wild, sadistic smile on her face as her beloved pet prepared to devour his meal. Leeron then hummed. "Nevermind, I still have a lot to see."

Kaori coughed up water, as she stared at the wide maw of the massive crocodile. "That's Mr. T-Turtle…?"

Before the crocodile could end her, that ninja appeared, snatching her literally from the jaws of death at the last second. Mr. Turtle landed with a great deal of noise and kicked up earth, before it turned and looked up at the top of a nearby telephone pole, where the ninja cradled Kaori in her arms. Ranma got up, and looked up at Kaori; as she stared blankly back down at her.

"Next time…" Ranma said to her. "…You'll wish that Mr. Turtle here ate you."

Kaori managed to smile, as her expression began to break down. She looked up at her ninja, and laughed. "Next time, indeed…this is only the beginning. Goodbye, my fiancé."

The ninja crushed a smoke bomb in her hand, engulfing both in a rapidly dissipating cloud that left no trace of them when it cleared. Seeing no sign of them, Ranma pulled a grimace and sighed. "I'm gonna kick Pop's ass extra hard for this. All of this is his fault."

Akane tackled Ranma, hugging her tightly. "Ranma!"

"Ah, A-Akane, you're okay…mm…?" In her relief to see her safe, Akane gave Ranma a deep kiss and hugged her tightly. She then pulled away, and looked towards the fading smoke.

"What was all that just now?" She looked back towards Mr. Turtle and Kodachi on top of him, who was staring at the couple with a completely baffled expression. Akane looked from Kodachi to the giant crocodile, and then back up at Kodachi. "Nice alligator."

"It…it's a crocodile." Kodachi corrected, still in disbelief at what she'd just seen. A rather painful cramp told her to put it on the back burner for now. Now that the disturbance was removed, she could go back to sleep. "I'm getting cramps; I'm going back to bed."

She looked down at Mr. Turtle. "You can come and curl up with Mommy if you like."

Disappointed with there being no lunch, but appeased by the thought of curling up with his mistress, the giant reptile headed back inside the mansion, leaving Ranma, Akane, and now Shampoo a little impressed. Who would've thought that Kodachi would be the one with the cool pet?

"She gets a giant crocodile that obeys her commands and I get a lousy piglet. What the Hell?" Akane asked.

Shampoo snorted. "Who cares about that? Thanks to idiot, I lost chance at central air, this going to be a miserable winter!"

"Aw, you can come over to our house if it gets too cold." Akane assured Shampoo.

"This whole race was a huge waste of time." Ranma muttered. "No free food, no victory, and I get myself another lunatic who wants to kill me, a strong one, too!"

She then stopped, and hummed. "Eh…maybe it's not all bad."

Akane rolled her eyes. "So it's unanimous, this sucked right?"

"Right!" Ranma and Shampoo agreed.

"And now we're going to beat up Kuno, right?" Akane asked.

"Right!" Both agreed.

When they turned around, however, they found Kuno stuffing his face with a sushi dish, delivered by the delivery girl in hat and sunglasses. All three stared as he ravenously devoured his meal, clearing every inch of it to produce the prize sitting at the bottom of the tray.

"It…it's glorious!" He said as he held up what appeared to be a picture. "The finest yet of my collection, I shall treasure it forever!"

Ranma, Akane, and Shampoo rounded Kuno to see the picture, as the delivery girl got clear. It was a picture of Akane and female Ranma cuddled together in Akane's bed, fast asleep. "Truly a magnificent piece of art, thank you mystery delivery woman."

All three looked at the delivery girl, who reached up and removed her hat and sunglasses, revealing her identity. Nabiki smiled. "As always, Kuno-baby, it was a pleasure doing business with you."

Ranma was struck dumb, as Akane began to foam at the mouth in disbelief and anger. Shampoo brought her hand to her mouth and started laughing, as Akane managed out a furious… "What."

"We have a winner!" Leeron called out. "Nabiki Tendo, representing Shady Sushi, is the winner of this year's Miss Martial Arts Takeout Race! Not only does Shady Sushi win fifty-million yen, but Nabiki Tendo wins a year's supply of Ucchan's Gourmet Okonomiyaki!"

The mention of Ucchan caused Ranma to freeze, knocking her out of her stupor as Akane continued to vehemently express her disbelief at this turn of events. "I thought you loved making other people do your dirty work more, Nabiki!"

Nabiki smiled. "I do, and thanks to you I could have my cake and eat it. I never would've won if you hadn't cleared the course for me. Don't worry, I'll share my okonomiyaki with you."

"Ucchan…" Ranma murmured, as Azusa walked over, looking a little banged up but intact. "Huh? Shiratori?"

"Ah, hello…" Azusa said with a weak smile. "Sorry I couldn't do more to help, but I wanted to know if you could pass a message on to Ranma Saotome for me?"

Akane looked back at Azusa, and snapped out of her anger. "Oh crap, Azusa, are you alright?" She turned to Ranma. "Azusa helped me fight Daikoku earlier."

"Oh, I am fine, that Daikoku girl just knocked me down, nothing bad at all." She said before addressing both of them. "I wanted to tell you that Mikado-kun says he's sorry for all the trouble he caused you, trying to kiss you and all. Also, he wants to talk to Ranma after he returns from rehabilitation in America, so if you could get the message to him, it'd be great."

Ranma and Akane looked to each other, and the former shrugged her shoulders. "I'll uh…be sure to let him know. Thanks, Azusa…"

Azusa smiled back. "No problem, it's his biggest wish that we all become friends. He'd really like that."

Shampoo, still chuckling, looked at Ranma and Akane and then to Azusa. "So we have allies against the Rich Bitch, huh?"

"I guess so." Ranma said, before stretching. "Well, I'm seriously beat. Let's get out of here, Akane."

Akane hugged Ranma's arm, and nodded. "Yeah, let's get the Hell out of here."

Shampoo sighed. "Great Grandma is not gonna be pleased that I lost…kitchen duty for a month."

"After the crap my Pop pulled, I'm glad I lost now." Ranma muttered.

As they left with Azusa in tow, Nabiki turned away from the cameras and crowds that had formed to congratulate her for her win, and produced a pair of sunglasses from her pocket to toss to Kuno without a second thought. "Oh I almost forgot. These are compliments of Shady Sushi, a pair of bitchin' shades with every order."

Catching the sunglasses, Kuno blinked as he stared at them. What a random item to hand out with an order.

* * *

That evening, the Daikoku Family's sedan was leaving Nerima, Kaori sitting in the luxury car's back seat and staring out at the setting sun. "Ah, so neither you or Akane won. While it means that Ranma isn't yours, the engagement isn't quite off yet."

Stopping at a red light, Daikoku looked back at his daughter and smiled. "Don't worry, the next time I'm sure we'll win him. That boy, he seemed to be quite the martial artist, didn't he?"

Kaori looked over at her Father, and stared at him before returning her gaze out the window. "He's very strong."

Daikoku laughed. "He'll make a fine heir to our school."

Kaori grew miserable, green light flickering across her body. "The light's green."

Daikoku turned around. "Ah! So it is!"

As he drove off, Kaori's misery faded and she began to smile. _"You will feel my despair, Ranma Saotome."_

As the car headed off from the intersection, the ninja watched over from a nearby rooftop. Behind her, Mousse adjusted his glasses. "Given Ranma a taste of the revenge of Hell, huh? He didn't seem all that bothered."

The ninja looked back at Mousse, and then huffed. "The deadliest poison is one you can't taste right away. Just continue to do your part."

Mousse snorted. "I will, pervert."

The ninja glared harshly at him, before she vanished in a swirl of leaves. As the last of the leaves faded, Mousse let out a hum. "A poison you can't taste right away? I wonder what that meant…"

He turned and leaped off the roof and into the encroaching night.

* * *

A/N: I'll think of something, I hope.


	20. Sunrise to Sunset

Disclaimer: I'm ambivalent towards Lady Gaga, personally.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Sunrise to Sunset

_The events portrayed in this chapter took place between the hours of seven in the morning and seven in the evening _

**[20.]**

Location: The Tendo Dojo  
Time: 7:04 a.m.

Lately, the morning ritual at the Tendo Dojo had started seeing some variations. The usual knockdown, drag-out fight between Ranma and Genma didn't manifest, with the Saotome Patriarch usually waking up to find the spot next to him where his son slept empty. It was mainly because Ranma had begun waking up earlier than him, so he could get Akane out of bed and into the Dojo for the morning workout.

"Oh my…oh…yes …!"

And what a workout it was, as Akane would attest to her closest friends Sayuri and Yuka. There was no finer morning routine than going down to the dojo and getting pounded into the wall by your Adonis of a boyfriend. Of course, they actually did train and stuff, but on some mornings, one of them would happen to be in some mood or another, and the other would be raring to go.

"Hey…not so loud…"

In this case, Akane was the instigator. Waking up with an acute case of "Craving Ranma's Cock", she didn't even bother with the formality of working up a sweat trying to hit him as per the morning mating ritual. Instead, the second they reached the dojo and closed the door behind them, she dove out of her clothes and practically into his in an effort to get him out of them. Ranma had to admit that he was curious at where she hid the condoms on her person at any given time.

"Y-you're one to talk…oh..."

Ranma didn't really complain about it, though, or any of the other issues that came up when it came to torrid sex with his sexy vixen of a girlfriend. Well, the volume issue was one, but he found that gagging her took care of that…mostly–light bondage wasn't really Akane's thing, and it didn't help that she could break most bonds without trying. Both agreed there was nothing kinky about anchor chains, so that suggestion (submitted by Shampoo, in fact) was right out.

"Oh! J-just like that…that…ah!"

Akane's loud (but by no means melodramatic like Nabiki's) gasps were silenced by a palm over her mouth, and she responded with a deep, low moan. Their morning ritual was halfway done, and with several sharp, audible exhalations and particularly fast penetrative motions the other half of the ritual reached completion and both halves sank to the floor, Akane's legs locked like a vice around Ranma's waist as she pecked him on the lips affectionately.

"Mm…" She purred happily between her happy little kisses, before the words just slipped out without thinking. "…I love you."

And that right there signaled that this would not be a normal morning for Ranma and Akane.

* * *

Location: The Kuno Estate  
Time: 7:12 a.m.

Dressed in her uniform and her duffel bag packed, Kodachi left her room and headed downstairs. In the week that had passed since the Takeout Race's climax, she'd been preoccupied with a lot of things. Questions on subjects ranging from the identity of that new harlot after her Ranma-sama's life, the reimbursement of the damage to her home, and Akane kissing a girl kept her mind busier than usual.

To the other students at St. Bacchus, she appeared too distracted by her own thoughts to be her characteristic loony self. So distracted was she, that her rare interactions with her brother suddenly became non-existent, hence her surprise when she reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Good morning, Kochi." Kodachi gave a start. No one had referred to her by that in years, much less her own brother. She turned to him, and found him dressed in his school uniform and adjusting a new black school jacket, not unlike one worn by Hikaru Gosunkugi, in a mirror with his back to her. Yet another shock, Furinkan had been rebuilt.

"Ah…good morning brother, are you going to school?" She asked in a puzzled tone.

"Yes." Tatewaki said as he adjusted the collar. "They just finished the final touches two days ago, and students are to report back."

Kodachi nodded slowly. Something was off about her brother, and she couldn't put her finger on it. "Well, I suppose have a good day at school, brother, and please tell Ranma-sama that I send my love."

"Of course, Kochi." Now she knew something was wrong. Sure, she was a nut-job, but even she was well enough aware of her brother's animosity towards the male Ranma. "Is…everything alright brother?"

Tatewaki looked back at Kodachi, revealing the pair of expensive-looking sunglasses he was wearing in addition to his new uniform. "Of course I'm fine, what is the matter?"

* * *

Location: The Tendo Dojo  
Time: 7:55 a.m.

Nabiki didn't know what Ranma did, but he had most certainly done it going by Akane's immediately hostile looks towards Ranma as she sat down to eat with the rest of the family. Kasumi was serene as ever, but even she wasn't blind to the virulent tension in the room. Soun and Genma cast consternate looks to each other, while Ranma was looking one half confused and one half extremely annoyed. Neither was even looking at each other.

"What did you do?" Nabiki asked him as she began to serve herself.

"I don't even know." Ranma grumbled back, and Akane's glower went up a notch. Oh great, he had inadvertently put his foot in his mouth. She looked over to Akane.

"What did he do?" She asked.

"We can talk on the way to school." Akane said before she finished her food and got up. "Thanks for breakfast, Kasumi."

"Have a good day, Akane-chan." Kasumi called after her, with a slightly worried inflection in her tone.

Ranma prepared to rise to go, Nabiki gave him a pointed look that told him "You had better not, she may kill you". He grew even more annoyed. "Can you talk to her?"

"That's what I'm going to do. Don't try to listen in." Quickly stuffing her face, Nabiki thanked Kasumi and headed outside.

Outside, Nabiki had to run to catch up to Akane, who was using that brisk "Angry Stride" people don't realize they're using when they're pissed off about something. Seeing Nabiki at her side, Akane slowed down a little, and glared at the ground. Nabiki cut right to the chase. "What did you two fight about?"

Akane looked up and let out a huff. "I told him that I loved him and he freaked out."

Nabiki actually stopped, and let Akane stride ahead for a bit before she too stopped. The latter looked back, and found for the first time in a long time Nabiki honestly perplexed. "Wait, you mean you haven't told him this at all, before?"

"Well…no. It didn't seem to come up." Akane turned away from Nabiki, rubbing the back of her neck. "I just kind of let it slip this morning. But then he got all evasive, he couldn't even bring himself to say it back." She got angry again. "It went stupid from there."

"So, he bitched out." Nabiki replied before turning back and glaring at a nearby bush. "But you're not so much mad as disappointed, huh?"

"I guess, but I'm still pretty mad." Akane resumed walking and Nabiki followed, giving another parting glare at the bush. Once they were out of view, Ranma poked his head up from the bush, joined by his Father a few moments later.

"Whatever you did boy, you had better fix it." Genma warned.

Ranma snorted. "I'm not one to run away from my problems, Pop."

It was like an arrow to Genma's back. "You're not still angry over the Daikoku thing, are you?"

"Let's see, is a deranged multi-millionaire with the power to throw energy blasts still out there trying to kill us?" Ranma growled back. He got up, he was going to have to talk to Akane later, it would seem. "Just stay out of it, okay?"

Rather than continue following the usual route, Ranma took to the roofs and quickly raced off straight ahead for school. Hopefully Akane cooled off soon, and maybe then they could talk. When he got within view of the school, however, he actually had to slide to a halt when he saw it.

"You have got to be kidding me."

* * *

Location: Furinkan High School  
Time: 8:01 a.m.

Furinkan High School, like the phoenix, had risen from the ashes. Aesthetically sleek and state of the art with its polished white walls, soaring clock tower, and gleaming picture windows surrounded by neatly trimmed grass and trees in the midst of autumn change, it held the promises of a smart and comprehensive place of learning, a safe haven for students to further their education and build their way towards becoming adults.

The image, however, was slightly tarnished however by the mostly naked men in grass skirts and grotesque masks chasing students around with taser-tipped spears, nets, and cutting implements.

"Run for your lives!" A student with a partially shaved head screamed as he fled a hooting and yelling masked man, who jabbed him in the back with a spear before another took him down. As more set upon him, a group of girls ran past shrieking at the tops of their lungs before a net tossed from on high ensnared several of them.

Other students were valiantly, and vainly, trying to fight back or escape the school's courtyard, which proved difficult given the closed gates and the non-lethal weapons of their attackers. From his spot observing all of this, Ranma was really and truly baffled.

"What is this…I…what?" He couldn't even properly put a question together as one of the wrangled male students was released, his hair completely buzzed off.

"My hair…" The hapless bastard squeaked. "They cut my hair!"

"Mine too!" Another student cried out, as she felt up the back of her hair. "My luscious, beautiful locks, they're gone!"

"My eyebrows, they even got my eyebrows!" That blonde exchange student from Europe, Dottie Catalina or whatever, cried in despair.

Another boy wailed. "My beard! My rugged, manly beard! WHY?"

Ranma recoiled. "No, not even beards are safe!" He clenched a hand into a fist as he went from shocked to angry. "That tears it!"

Several of the wild men were advancing upon a cornered group of girls, chanting ominous island gibberish, when Ranma descended upon them like the fist of an angry pop culture reference. Much to his surprise and enjoyment, the savages were easily sent flying from the sheer force of his impact alone. Knuckles cracked and the bill of his cap tugged down like one Jotaro Kujo, Ranma glanced back to the girls.

"The Hell is going on here?" He asked, his heroic rescue making some of the girls swoon on the spot.

"I don't know! Once a big crowd got here these crazies ambushed us." One of the more fortitudinous girls replied. "They just started going for our hair and our clothes!"

Ranma turned back completely, shocked. "Your clothes?"

One girl spoke up. "They stole my scarf!"

Another cried. "And my earrings!"

A rather short, stout girl roared. "And my axe!"

Ranma turned to face the melee, and just in time, for about half a dozen of the island stereotypes were charging him with spears ready. Frowning, Ranma walked towards the onslaught, and through it, each one of the wild men dropping painfully to the ground as he passed them. Leaving the heap of bodies behind him, Ranma broke the last of their spears in half and let out a snort.

"They're nothing but a bunch of lightweights." He muttered. "And I'm in no mood for this."

One of the tiki-masked marauders spotted Ranma, and then quickly signaled to the others. Weapons in hand, the vast majority of them quickly formed a ring three men deep around Ranma, and the first ring pointed large wooden shields towards him. Behind them, the islanders aimed their spears over the shoulders of the men in front, while the men behind them readied cutting implements. One of the islanders, whom Ranma assumed was a leader of some sort given his mask being bigger and more ornate than the others, called out something muffled behind the mask.

Ranma groaned. "Give a break."

Opening the front gate, Akane and Nabiki walked in and stared at the war zone on the front lawn of the school. The former rested her hands on her hips. "Seriously, the first day of school and already something stupid is going on."

"Oh yeah…" Nabiki agreed as both looked towards Ranma and his stand-off. "At least Ranma's doing something about it."

Akane let out an annoyed huff at that, and began walking towards the front doors as Ranma did battle with his attackers. Well, it couldn't really be called so much a battle as a hilariously one-sided beating the likes not seen or enjoyed by Japanese since the Battle of Tsushima. Striding up the stairs, Akane kind of wished that she had gotten there sooner so she could have herself a sliver of catharsis to soothe her ire.

The moment she reached to open the door however, it cracked open and a taser spear was shoved into her chest, zapping and dropping her like a sack of bricks. Watching Akane go down, Nabiki looked up and recoiled when a whole new gaggle of islanders poured out with cutting implements in hand.

"Oh shit!" She yelled out as they immediately closed in to target her hair. Hearing Nabiki, Ranma quickly looked over from the mountain of masked men he stood upon.

"Damn it!" He prepared to leap into action, when someone else did. Passing through the gates with blinding speed, Tatewaki Kuno fell upon the islanders and sent them flying with a single blow before any could lay so much as a pair of clippers on either Tendo girl's head. "Huh? Kuno?"

Tucking his bokken into his belt, Kuno reached up and carefully adjusted the sunglasses perched on the bridge of his nose before turning to Nabiki and the recovering Akane. "Good morning, neither of you are hurt I hope."

Nabiki propped up an eyebrow as she stared at Kuno, he seemed different somehow, but she couldn't put a finger on it. "No, we're fine." She peered at the sunglasses, the very same she gave to him after the race. "Nice shades, there Kuno-baby."

"Thank you, I've grown fond of them lately." He looked down at the island men he smote. "Now then, let us uncover the identities of this rabble so we may uncover the purpose of all of this."

Nabiki looked to Akane, whose weird-shit senses were also tingling as Kuno pulled off one of the masks. Today really was going to be stupid, when they saw the identity of the man under the mask. Akane was the one who said it. "It's one of our teachers!"

Another student was making the same discovery. "Hey this guy's one too!"

"They're all teachers!" The realization quickly followed as all the teachers were eventually unmasked by the besieged students. Frowning deeply, Kuno looked down at the island theme of the attackers and then looked towards the open doors of Furinkan. No, it couldn't be.

Ranma walked over to the steps and did his best to not look at Akane as he regarded Kuno. He noticed that something was off too, Akane was in close proximity to Kuno and he wasn't gushing over her. Not that he was complaining, but it was still odd to say the least. Before he could say anything, the sound of a ukulele being played exceptionally badly wafted from inside the school.

He looked over to Akane and Nabiki, who looked back before all looked to Kuno and then to the open doors and the front lobby of the school. Entering stage left from a hallway, dressed in a horrifically loud Hawaiian shirt, shorts, sandals, and lei, was the Principal of Furinkan High School in all of his horrific glory. On sight, Kuno visibly cringed. Oh no, it was him.

"Aloha keiki, da big Kahuna is back!" He announced proudly and finished with a boisterous laugh. Kuno and the residents of the Tendo Dojo retreated as he emerged from the double doors, with Akane and Nabiki taking position behind the men.

Ranma looked to Kuno. "What did he just say?"

"Hawaiian gibberish, I imagine." Kuno reached for his bokken, just as the Principal spotted Ranma and immediately pointed at him.

"Yo, little brudda!" He called out before suddenly flanking him. "Dat hair is outta regulation."

Even as he spoke, Ranma felt a tug on his braided tail and noticed the gleam of scissors. "Let's fix dat right up!"

Ranma plucked the scissors from his hand. "Hey, brah…" He removed his hand from his pigtail. "…Don't touch…" He elbowed the Principal in the stomach before punting him towards the gates. "…The hair!"

Kuno frowned. "I fear you have done it now, Saotome."

Ranma looked at Kuno. "Man listen, no one messes with the hair, got it?"

"Not even da principal?" Principal Kuno announced, finally revealing his status to everyone and not just the reader. The reaction of course, was vehement given the looks of horror and disbelief among the assaulted children.

"He's the principal?" Hiroshi asked, having arrived with Daisuke at the conclusion of the battle.

Daisuke was baffled the same. "This loony is our principal?"

Nabiki's reaction was spectacularly flat. "It's time for me to switch schools. I'm too smart for this shit."

"I wholeheartedly agree with you." Akane placed her ire towards Ranma on the back burner for the moment. This shit was just dumb. "Ranma, kick his ass."

Ranma began walking over. "Gladly."

He stopped however, when Principal Kuno tossed a pineapple to him. "Here, a gift from de islands."

Ranma caught it. "What."

It exploded with incredible force, leaving Ranma face down in a deep crater. Like it was the funniest joke in the world, and it was, Principal Kuno began laughing boisterously again, slapping his knee. The students of Furinkan could only stare as he slid into the crater and raised Ranma's head off the ground by his pigtail.

"See? Any brudda who want to mix it up with de big Kahuna dat's what he gets! Yeah!" He declared as he prepared to clip the pigtail right off. He failed, of course, when Ranma curled his legs up and kicked him in the face.

"Don't. Touch. The hair." Ranma restated. Swinging his feet back down to the ground, he lifted Principal Kuno into the air with a barrage of blows so fast the hits sounded like a long consecutive hum. Snapping his hands back, Ranma then punted the Principal into the wall above the door, sending a spider's web of cracks outward from the point of impact.

"Eight point nine, easily." Nabiki admitted.

Akane snorted. "I give it a six point five, on account of bias."

Kuno adjusted his sunglasses. "That is a perfect ten by my book."

Both girls stared in surprise at Kuno, before the Principal fell to the ground before the doorway in a heap. Hoisting himself up to his knees, and looking like a child who'd just been scolded, he looked pointedly at Ranma. "Why you gotta be so harsh brudda?"

"The list of reasons I have is already Light Novel sized and goes on sale next Tuesday if you want to read it. But to summarize you're a psychopath and I hate you." Ranma replied.

Rising to his feet, Principal Kuno picked up his ukulele and clutched it to him, big fat tears rolling down his face. "I'm not gonna forget this! You got it?"

He turned and fled into the school, and not a moment later another pineapple hurtled out towards him. Ranma had intended to jump back, but it airburst rather than went off on being caught, catching nearly all the students in the blast and rendering them blackened and disheveled, save Nabiki, who was standing conveniently behind Kuno. Coughing up some soot, Akane looked to Nabiki.

"I hate him and I want him to die." She said.

"Yeah, me too." Nabiki replied as the bell rang.

Kuno turned and began walking in. "It is a common reaction."

Everyone began filing into the school, now filled with despair that even Nozomu Itoshiki could not fathom. Kuno's curious behavior was disregarded, written off as him simply being sane and rational in comparison to their Principal, and the edge was taken off Akane's disappointment in Ranma as everyone prepared for a very, very long day.

* * *

Location: Furinkan High School  
Time: 9:00 a.m.

"All students report to the auditorium, for announcements from the principal."

Everyone dreaded it, and for all the right reasons. The stragglers and those who wished to deny the horrific reality were shocked and dismayed that the Hawaiian-themed whack-job was indeed their Principal and not only that he was every bit as insane as his earlier stunt implied, given his maniacal laughter and ukulele playing on the platform while Hawaiian dancers (or rather teachers posing poorly as them) performed at his flanks. Nabiki was already on the internet via her cell phone, looking at transfer possibilities.

"St. Bacchus and Mugen Academy are on the other side of Tokyo, but I easily have the marks and the money for both." She noted. "Mugen Academy isn't an All-Girls School, so that's looking like the better choice right now."

She paused. "Wait a minute, Kodachi goes to St. Bacchus. Mugen wins by default."

Further up in the crowd, Ranma made his way over to Akane. He really wanted to clear the air over what happened, and this crap was presenting an opening for him. "Hey, Akane…"

Akane, desperately wanting to occupy her attention other than the loon on stage, looked to Ranma. She wanted to talk, but not about what happened. "If it's about this morning can we talk about it later?"

"I want to talk now." He got closer to her and peered around skittishly. "I'm sorry for earlier."

Well, it was a start at least. Still, Akane wasn't feeling like letting him off so easily, hence her aversion to the subject. She kept her tone down as she responded. "Why couldn't you just say it? We've been together for months now."

"Just say it?" Ranma blanched. "Well why did you wait until then to say it? It kind of blindsided me."

Akane huffed. This was not going as well as Ranma had hoped. "Blindsided you? Telling you how I feel about you caught you by surprise?"

"You didn't answer my question." Ranma wasn't going to let this be pushed onto him. Too bad his tone was just asking for an escalation, and he got it.

"I was waiting for you to say it!" She hissed back, indignantly.

"I figured I didn't need to…" Ranma argued.

It was going bad. "Well a girl likes to hear it once in a while, and I thought you would too." She put her foot in it. "Since you go as a girl half the time I'd figure you'd understand."

Oh that was fucking low. "This was stupid. I'm sorry I even tried." He turned to leave back to where he was before. "When you're done being an insecure bitch about it, I'll be over here."

Akane recoiled, any guilt that she felt from his response overshadowed by the anger from the bitch comment. "I'm not insecure, you asshole!"

She turned away from him, arms folded across her chest and her face red with anger. The guilt was still there, and Akane inwardly yelled at herself as much as she cursed out Ranma for being stupid. As Ranma went back two rows of students to rejoin Hiroshi and Daisuke, he was feeling the exact same way.

"So, how'd it go?" Daisuke asked.

"Shut up." Ranma immediately snapped back.

Hiroshi leaned forward. "Does this mean that you and Akane are breaking up? If so, you don't mind if I catch her off the rebound, do you?"

Ranma turned and stared dead straight into Hiroshi's soul, and promptly pummeled it half to death with his gaze. As Hiroshi fainted dead away, completely horrified, Ranma looked towards the stage. Apparently the terrible stage show was over and Principal Kuno was making his announcement to the world. Ranma was sure it was going to be stupid, but he couldn't really invest any care into it at the moment.

"Aloha!" Principal Kuno called out to the dismayed youths. "I wen coming back from Hawaii, an' I say to myself 'I gotta bring back a present for all my keiki', yeah!"

One student, extremely sick of his shit, spoke for everyone. "The best gift you could give us is killing yourself on stage right now!"

"Set yourself on fire and die quietly!" A girl shouted.

Another splendid suggestion came from a youth in the agriculture club. "We have a wood chipper, dive into it!"

"Feet first!" Yet another student added, to cheers from a good number of shaved students.

The teachers, lined up at the back of the auditorium and most of them bearing the brunt of Ranma's damage, all quietly pined for youth as they envied their students' openness. As expected of a man removed from reality, maturity, and human decency, Principal Kuno simply laughed off his students' demands that he kill himself expeditiously.

"That present? Brand new school rules for all my keiki!" As soon as he announced it, two banners dropped down, to everyone's horror, displaying a girl with a butchered bowl cut and a boy with his head completely shaved. "All bruddas gotta get dem buzz cuts, and all sistas gotta get dem bowl cuts! Effective today!"

Silence fell on the students, the sort of silence that precedes exceptional and comedic physical harm. Nabiki, hoisted into the air by a couple of classmates, looked left and right before producing a kazoo and blowing into it to sound a single tune. With that, she and every other student took a deep breath.

_**"FUCK YOU!"**_

With that concise declaration the students proceeded to throw anything not bolted down at the principal, shoes, books, sports equipment, furniture and finally an '87 Chevy Nova that crushed him into the pile of junk that quickly built up around him over the course of the barrage.

As the Principal managed to worm his way out of from underneath the car, he found Kuno's bokken pointed at the silly palm tree sprouting from the top of his head. He looked up at his son, and hummed. "Hey brudda don't start thinking you can do whateva you want, yeah?"

"Go back to Hawaii, things were just fine." Kuno warned darkly.

"My keiki need me!" Principal Kuno argued, unaware of who he was arguing with or why. "I go on sabbatical for tree years and what do I find out? A little China wahine flattens my school. That's no discipline right there, brudda!"

"That…had nothing to do with discipline." Kuno replied in a measured tone that belied his own typical delusions and stupidity. "There's no reason for you to be here. Just go back to Hawaii, alright?"

"I can't…" Principal Kuno rose up, tears streaming down his face. "For the keiki, I'll do anything! Even if it mean I gotta torment 'em all into line!" That statement made every student's blood run ice cold. "But, I'm a fair and balanced bruddah, yeah?"

He produced a coconut, and opened it to reveal a card reading "Exempt from New Policies". "So it be like this! Inside de coconut is cards, dey like a pardon from de rules, yeah? Anybody who can get de coconut from me…!"

Ranma landed feet first on his face and then side-flipped off it, with the coconut in hand. "…Principal Kuno no bother de keiki with de rules no mo'!" He finished to the applause of the other students.

Kuno looked from his Father to Ranma, and then stepped back…way back. Noticing this, Ranma tried to get rid of it but…

_**BOOM!**_

…Yeah.

"This guy's going to make everyone leave the school." Sayuri lamented to Yuka as Akane despaired for entirely different reasons. "I can't afford switching schools; I've got to save money for college."

"It sucks to be you." Nabiki held her cell phone to her ear. "Hello, is this Mugen Academy? Yes, I'd like to speak with your headmistress, Kaori Kuromine? I'm a student of Furinkan High School and I'm interested in transferring…as soon as possible, yes…"

As the smoke cleared around him, Ranma looked down at the remains of the coconut bomb and past it at the crowd. He saw Akane just as her expression of worry reverted to angry resentment as she turned away from him. Crushing the ashes into his hands, he looked to Kuno. "Handle this crap on your own, man. I'm out of here."

He was way too pissed off to deal with his new principal, so he promptly peeled the mic off his shirt and left.

* * *

Location: The Cat Café  
Time: 12:27 p.m.

After going home, getting bathed and changed, and doing some training, Ranma decided to punch in for some deliveries. His unexpected arrival was a pleasant surprise to Cologne, though being among the precious few reasonable, responsible, and above all rational adults in this entire story so far she did express some concern at his presence in the middle of a school day. "While I don't mind you clocking in, I am unsure as to why you're here when you should be at school, Ranma."

"There's a colossal jackass trying to shave kids' heads for some perverse sexual gratification or something." Ranma muttered as he finished punching in his numbers. "I'm not in the mood to deal with that, so I'm here."

"Oh, that's terrible." Cologne replied. "Is it a good idea for you to just leave?"

Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "Kuno seemed pretty on-the-ball today, so he can probably take care of it on his own." He headed outside. "Where's Shampoo?"

"She's in the garage, working on her car. I'll call you in when we start getting orders." Cologne replied as the aroma of Chinese Cuisine being prepared began to drift into the lobby.

Nodding, Ranma left the restaurant and headed around a two doors over to a storage garage that was once an auto shop. Opening the door, he slipped in and found Shampoo bent over the engine block of her transforming sports car, won in a side story.

"Hey Shampoo." He called, surprising her. She looked back and then waved before pulling her hands from the mess of machinery.

"What are you doing here, don't you have school?" Her Japanese was improving, Ranma noticed. "Well, long as you're here, can you start it up for me? I think I fixed it."

Slipping into the driver's seat, Ranma found the ignition. "Just press the button?"

"Yeah, key is already in so it'll start." Ranma did as instructed and the car's engine started up with a roar. Clapping her hands together, Shampoo bounced on her feet. "Yay, I have my very own car!"

After doing a victorious (and bouncy) little happy dance that would have lesser men drooling profusely, Shampoo turned to Ranma and stopped. Wait a second, was he…he was! "What happened? You don't brood."

Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not brooding; I'm just pissed off at Akane."

Resting her arms on the opened driver's side door, Shampoo leaned through it as she stared at him. "You're having trouble in paradise, I see."

"No, she and I had a stupid fight, and the stupid principal we got was not helping it, so I skipped school and I don't want to talk about it." He quickly shot off.

Shampoo smiled a bit. "But you're gonna because it's all you can think about."

Ranma glowered at her. "Is that some special warrior intuition or something?"

"Woman intuition, we all have it, it hardwired into brain." Shampoo revealed. "So what did you do?"

"What did I do?" Ranma took offense to that. "I didn't do anything; she's the one who's flipping out, not me!"

Shampoo nodded. "Okay, so what did you not do?"

Ranma rested his head back against the headrest and let out a groan. "Look, I don't want to talk about it."

When he looked back to Shampoo, she was giving him puppy-dog eyes, and he just as quickly looked away again. "Well…"

* * *

Location: Furinkan High School  
Time: 12:27 p.m.

Three days. Three days was all that they were given to find Principal Kuno's rule pardons. While students from all grade levels searched frantically for the Principal's Office, Tatewaki Kuno was the sole calm in the storm, his stride measured and reserved as he walked amongst the crowds of children turning the school upside down in a riotous, desperate effort to save their scalps. As he adjusted his awesome sunglasses and rested his bokken against his shoulder, he let out a sigh in lament.

"Just like before, he sows nothing but chaos for his own childish amusement." He growled. So far, they'd searched every corner of the school, every room they could think of, in their search for the Principal's Office. However, they could not come up with anything, not even the roof or the surrounding structures.

Akane walked over, coming to the same conclusion. "We've searched every room, all of the school grounds, but there's no sign of him anywhere!"

Nabiki, who was accompanying her, folded her arms before looking to Kuno. "What about you, any idea?"

Kuno adjusted his sunglasses. "That man is every bit as slippery as I remember him. He's probably hiding right under our noses and we don't even realize it yet."

At first, Kuno's lucidity had unnerved both Tendo sisters, but it was extremely easy to get used to. He hadn't tried to proclaim his love to Akane, or use ridiculous flowery language, or try to kill Ranma in any of the instances they interacted. He seemed more mature, composed, and in Nabiki's case a little attractive. However, Kuno remembering that madman was a slip that had both extremely curious.

"You know him?" Both asked.

Kuno sighed. "Regrettably yes, for you see that miscreant is none other than…"

He was interrupted by shouts from behind them, and an ominous rumbling that was growing louder. He, Nabiki, and Akane looked back together, just in time to see a wall of water surging towards them, swallowing students and furniture in its path.

"Mother…" Akane began as the wave reached her.

"…Fucker…!" Nabiki finished before Kuno wrapped his arms around her and shielded her from the flood, which swept them all up and pummeled them down the hall before draining into a trap door around the corner, sending all of the students and everything else the flood picked up into a large lake.

Akane was among the first to surface, soaked to the bone and absolutely furious to the point that steam was forming around here. "What the Hell!"

Kuno popped up next, holding Nabiki in one arm as he adjusted the glasses with the other. "I believe that was the work of the Principal."

Nabiki stared up at Kuno's aloof demeanor despite their washout, and actually blushed. Shaking her head and reminding herself that this was Tatewaki Kuno, she pulled away and waded to the shore with the other students. She stopped however, when she got a good look at their surroundings.

"I can hear a Guns 'n Roses song starting in my head." She said aloud as she gazed at the lush jungle that the sandy shore of the surprisingly large lake bordered.

"It's not just your head." Akane stated as she and Kuno joined her.

"ALOHA!" Principal Kuno's boisterous call echoed from the trees. "Welcome to my Office, we got fun and games, yeah?"

Almost immediately he was located by the students, perched on a bent palm tree, laughing boisterously to the sky, playing his ukulele in a horrific mockery of Slash. None too amused, many of the students began throwing anything they could get their hands on. Unlike before, the Principal was more adept at dodging as he danced from side to side on the tree.

"I no goan fall for the same gag twice, keiki!" He mocked as he swung his ukulele and smashed away the '87 Nova. The barrage immediately stopped, and he laughed boisterously at their feeble assault. That lasted all of two seconds before…

_**"H2 LIMO DA!"**_

…A gold-plated Hummer H2 stretch limousine smashed into him and went hurtling off into the trees before impacting with a sickening, metallic crunch. Among the cheering students, Akane dusted her hands off with a satisfied snort. However, after a few moments and audible moans of pain, Principal Kuno's laughter filtered through the trees.

"You never gonna find my coconut, you bedda just down and lose ya hair, keiki!" Principal Kuno mocked, as the eyes of numerous beasts began to gleam from the trees. Stepping forward, bokken on his shoulder, Kuno regarded the Principal's mockery with contempt as Akane joined him.

"I am so sick of your crap." She said, as she held up her hand, her battle aura rising up and wrapping around her fingers.

* * *

Location: Cat Café  
Time: 12:32 p.m.

Now outside and leaning against the large garage doors of Shampoo's little workshop, Ranma finished regaling Shampoo with the story of the fight between him and Akane. After hearing it for herself, Shampoo folded her arms and shook her head.

"You are an idiot, Ranma." She said with a frown. "I mean, seriously, you are dumb."

Ranma recoiled. "I'm dumb?" He stared at her. "Wait, you're taking her side on this? I told you…!"

Shampoo raised and waved her hand dismissively. "You listen, okay? Actually, you is very right. She being an insecure bitch, but that don't matter, it don't matter if you right."

"What do you mean it doesn't matter?" Shampoo cut Ranma off, placing a finger on his lips.

"It don't matter if you right because you need to make her feel secure, and calling her an insecure bitch? That's not going to do it." Shampoo explained.

Ranma turned his head away from her. "In my defense I was almost there when she flipped out on me. It's kind of hard to reason with her when she's taking cheap shots at my manhood."

"Well that's your problem, and you need to be more thick-skinned than that." Shampoo advised. "I'm not saying you got to grovel or beg for forgiveness, but you need to make her feel secure with herself so she doesn't do this again. That means telling her you love her even if it sounds unnecessary to you."

Ranma shook his head. "Yeah and sound totally insincere about it?"

"Don't just run up to her and say 'I love you', then you do sound insincere. Build up to it. Do something nice for her, take her to dinner, fuck her brains out and make her sing her high praises for you, whatever. Then say it to soothe her ego and then everything will be sunshine, rainbows and kittens for you."

At Ranma's look, Shampoo corrected herself. "Or puppies, sorry I forgot about that whole cat thing with you."

Ranma thumped his head back against the garage door, and sighed. "Is it really that easy?"

"Yes, it is. That what make this kind of stupid, yes?" Shampoo said as Cologne stepped out of the Cat Café and waved them over. "Well come on, it time to get to work."

Ranma pushed himself off the door and followed her. A long day of running around the city would get his mind off the fight, and maybe he'd come up with ideas for Akane later.

* * *

Location: Furinkan High School  
Time: 12:32 p.m.

"Akane, the World Wildlife Foundation would kill you if they ever saw what you just did." Nabiki truthfully admitted as she and the rest of Furinkan High School bore witness to what Akane had done. Principal Kuno's private jungle had been deforested with swiftness and abandon that would have Amazon loggers green with envy. Lowering her hands, Akane brushed her nails against the sides of her skirt as she huffed.

"You'd better come out, because we're going to burn it next." She said as she and Kuno led the students into the felled logs.

Kuno let out a chuckle. "You didn't even say timber."

Hopping over a log, he reached down and yanked up Principal Kuno by his head-mounted palm tree. "The game is over, where are the pardons?"

Principal Kuno chuckled. "Hey brudda, nice shades."

"Found them!" A student called as he produced the coconut containing the rules from what remained of his destroyed desk. Another group was rounding up the animals pummeled by Akane's speed logging, and finding them to be more teachers disguised to shave heads. Seeing this, Principal Kuno began to pout.

"Come on, brudda, can't we all just have a good time?" He asked. "You can't just end it like dis, it too easy man! De readers gonna complain about an anticlimax!"

Kuno promptly dropped the Principal to the ground. "This farce has gone on enough and we're missing classes because of you." He turned to the rounded up teachers and their student captors. "Report to your classrooms, straighten up the mess that he had us make and then resume the scheduled classes."

Nabiki bit her lower lip. She didn't know what Kuno had done to suddenly go up a few levels in sexy, but she didn't want it to end. Of course, the cold, dry, amoral, and entirely rational part of Nabiki quickly choked out her emotionally and physically driven other half and she quickly returned to normal operation. "Thanks for taking charge, Kuno-baby."

Kuno snorted and began for the stairs leading back up to the school proper. "I've always been in charge. Someone in my family has to be the Man of the house."

That immediately answered hers and Akane's question as to who the Principal was to Kuno, and after considering both him and Kodachi; it made such horrific sense that Nabiki actually felt sympathy for both Kuno siblings, real, honest, and pure sympathy for two other human beings outside her extended family.

* * *

Location: St. Bacchus Academy for Girls  
Time: 1:55 p.m.

Despite the annihilation of her team and the banning of her sport, Kodachi still held a lot of influence over the students of St. Bacchus Academy for girls. After all, she was the strongest student in the school and still more or less completely insane. However, lately her distracting thoughts had begun to play her in a saner light, and many students were unsure as to why.

Some attested it to the fact that in the last two months she'd received enough cumulative head trauma to render the defensive lineups of the entire AFC East in a persistent vegetative state, while people who had no idea what pugilist dementia or American Football was attributed it to the flowery, pretty girl-love atmosphere prevalent at most All-Girls' Schools finally getting to her.

If the speculators ever found out the latter was right, the revelation would drive them insane. And it will, when they do. For now, Kodachi was the subject of nearly everyone's thoughts, the mysterious mad woman's deepening curiosity becoming a talked about subject of girls not used to her being quiet, polite, and not testing new poisons by slipping them into their food.

Nearly everyone, the second strangest case in St. Bacchus couldn't actually be bothered to care. Rei Hino, a ninth grader and president of St. Bacchus' Avian Enthusiasts club was more interested in the birds than anything else. It was rumored she could talk to them, or at least to crows as they seemed to follow her around. It resulted in an entirely unflattering nickname among her peers, Miss Murder.

She fucking hated AFI. But she loved birds, and it was the subject of birds that brought her to the otherwise empty table in the cafeteria where Kodachi nursed an ornate cup of tea. "Kuno-sempai, can I talk to you for a moment? I have a request."

Kodachi looked up from her tea at the other dark-haired girl. "How can I help you?"

"The Gymnastics Club's garden in the back is generally off limits," Rei said of the palatial garden in the back of the school, "But since it's autumn and it won't be getting much use soon, I was wondering if my club could set up camera traps. A red-crested crane was sighted in the neighborhood, and it might come here."

Letting out a preoccupied hum, Kodachi quietly waved her free hand to the girl. "Do whatever you like, but please have the traps removed by the end of the month."

Rei smiled. "Oh, thank you very much Kodachi-sempai, I really appreciate it! I'm not just saying it because you're being really strange right now!"

That made Kodachi pause. She looked directly up at Rei. "Excuse me?"

Almost instantly, Rei realized what she said and let out a frightened squeak and began waving her hands. "Nothing, it's nothing! I don't think that you're acting all lovesick and stuff, I totally don't think that at all!"

Kodachi stared at her. "You are strange…" She stopped, and recoiled in shock. "Wait, I'm acting lovesick?"

"Ah…ah…" Rei finally calmed down, and then sighed as she shifted on her feet awkwardly. "…Well, a little lovesick, but that's what I think. I mean, I don't know I'm no expert…yes I am…"

"Oh, you have been in love with someone before?" Kodachi said before she took a sip of her tea.

"Yes, I've been in love, well am in love…but only with one person!" Rei quickly felt the need to emphasize. "And it's a guy, not a crazy delinquent girl from Juuban Middle School!"

Kodachi nearly performed a spit-take, but had enough class to swallow. "You are in love with a girl?"

Rei seemed to shatter right then and there. How could she have seen through her so easily? Her shoulders slumped. "K-kind of, but…"

The most unexpected thing occurred; Kodachi flew to her feet and quickly took Rei's hands into her own. Hope was shining in her eyes as she brought her hands up. "Please, I…I feel lost."

"Lost?" Rei asked as Kodachi developed a helpless pout. "Oh…well, who is she?"

No, there was no way she could reveal the target of her desire. "It is a girl that I know, our relationship is antagonistic, but lately…my thoughts have been nothing but of her. It is driving me wild with feelings and I am, dare I say it, I am frightened of them."

Rei nodded in response, and then managed to smile to Kodachi. "Well, I don't know what to tell you about the girl, but…someone taught me that it's alright to have strong feelings for someone you love. If…if you love this girl you should do so with all your heart!"

Kodachi gasped, as though the words burned their way to her very soul. "Love with all of my heart?" She brought her hands to her face to cover the bright blush across her cheeks. "That's so bold, so…unrestrained…"

She took a deep breath, and then nodded. "I…I'll do it! I will love her with all my heart! Thank you, Hino-sempai!"

Kodachi immediately took off; loving a woman was clearly different from loving a man. She would need to study the most effective way to curry a woman's favor. Surely, there was reading material on it; didn't she see a section in a bookstore pertaining to "Girl's Romance" once? As she fled the cafeteria, Rei watched her go and not for a moment considered the possibility that she had just doomed someone.

* * *

Location: Furinkan High School  
Time: 1:59 p.m.

Akane Tendo shivered violently, and then resumed her cleanup work in the classroom.

* * *

Location: The Tendo Dojo  
Time: 6:37 p.m.

"What an unbelievably stupid day today was." Akane grumbled. Even with all that they learned, the shocking revelations, and the excellent adventure, Akane was feeling emotionally drained and bitter. She hadn't found out until after Principal Kuno had been dealt with that Ranma hadn't just stomped off somewhere in a huff, but had skipped out of school entirely. It kind of hurt that he'd just up and leave like that, but she wasn't going to admit it. Not like she had to, Nabiki could read her like a book after all.

"You mad?" Nabiki asked with a joking smirk as they passed the gates of the dojo.

"Such a bitch…" Akane replied as she looked down at her book bag. "I'm still a little angry, yes."

"But you miss him." Nabiki correctly divined. Akane huffed out a denial. "Aw, you're so cute when you want to stop being mad at him but won't."

Akane swung her bag at Nabiki, who dodged with a skip to the side. "Shut up."

Opening the front door, the sisters entered the house and Nabiki leaned close to her with her hands behind her back as Akane removed her shoes. "You can't even be mad at him for a whole day, can you?"

Akane looked down at her sock-clad feet and tried to avoid the subject. However, not even she could perform such a Herculean task. Her silence was very telling.

Nabiki smirked wryly at Akane as they headed for the stairs. Beginning their way up them with her leading, she looked back down at her. "You know, I like when you two get along, it inspires me to actually give a damn about things."

"You really think this is funny?" Akane demanded as Nabiki trivialized her shit right before her very eyes.

Nabiki just laughed and retreated to her room. "See you at dinner Akane-chan."

Akane scowled and opened her door. It was easy for Nabiki to be hands off about anything, Ranma wasn't her boyfriend. Stepping inside, she stopped when she found Ranma curled up asleep in her bed, an opened comic book (on of hers) face down next to him. Staring at him, she let out a sigh and closed her door before walking over and sitting down next to him. Her weight shifting the waterbed stirred him from his slumber, and he looked back at her.

"Oh, hey…" He rolled over and sat up. "Just get back from school?"

"Yeah, we spent the whole day dealing with that Principal. He flooded the school and tried to make us play his stupid games in his office, but we put a stop to it." Akane replied as she picked up the comic and tossed it aside. "It turns out that he's Kuno's father."

Ranma's eyes widened. "No shit, really?"

"It explains so much that it's kind of sad." Akane said. "I feel bad for them, after only a couple of hours the whole school wanted to boil him in oil, and they've put up with him all their lives."

She felt him embrace her from behind, and let him. "What about you, how was your day?"

"I just did some deliveries, worked on some training." He replied as he held her close. "I wish I was there to help with that."

Akane turned around in his embrace and kissed him, before guiding him back down onto the bed and climbing on top of him. "I'm sorry for blowing up at you, and for…the girl thing…"

Ranma reached up and rests his hands on her sides before sliding them down and stroking her hips. She let out a content hum as Ranma spoke. "I forgive you."

He then gripped her ass and sat up, grinding her against him when he pulled her to him. Akane let out a short gasp, before hugging him and resting her head on his shoulder. They both wanted to say something about the fight that started it all, but they didn't want to start another fight. Ranma had missed Akane all day, just as much as she did him.

Pulling back from her embrace, Akane drummed her fingers on his shoulders. She gave him a sort of lop-sided smile, before opening her mouth to speak.

"I love you too." Ranma cut her off before she could get a word in. Her smile grew, and she let out a laugh.

"Are you just saying that because I want to hear it?" She asked.

"Yeah," Ranma admitted before quickly adding, "And because I do."

Akane's smile turned into a pout, before she reached up and flicked his nose. He barely felt it. "Was it that hard, idiot?"

She let out a yelp as she ended up on her back, with Ranma pinning her down by the shoulders. He was wearing a smug, slightly lecherous grin as he leered down at her. Akane raised her hands to her mouth and let out a squeak like a mouse in the cat's clutches. "It's too easy, I don't like that."

The lechery factor of his grin grew as he leaned closer to her. "I think…I'll stick more to the fun way of showing how I feel."

Akane smiled coyly back up at him and lowered her hands a bit. "The fun way…?"

The moment she finished, he stole a quick kiss from her. When she tried to bat him away, she was suddenly sans skirt. Letting out a laugh, she playfully tried to bat him away and missed every strike. "Ranma~!"

He rested a finger on her lips, as her panties were removed next. When had he undone her blouse? She flushed deeply as he smiled down at her. "I love you, Akane."

Akane giggled. "I love you too…ooh!" The finger that had been on her lips suddenly went elsewhere, and Akane squealed happily before Ranma cut her off with a kiss.

* * *

Location: Undisclosed  
Time: Undisclosed

Seated at a desk in front of a laptop, Hikaru Gosunkugi stared at the footage of the fiasco involving Principal Kuno, and let out a sigh as once again Ranma simply shrugged off the explosives and insanity that the crazed authoritarian tried to heap on him. After everything so far, it was beginning to look like nothing short of dropping a building on him would work again, and given that it had already been done, Ranma wasn't going to get caught slipping twice.

"Ranma Saotome, curse you…" He grumbled behind his folded hands.

"…What's your weakness?"

* * *

A/N: Almost done. I will beat Midnight EST!


	21. Cat Scratch Fever

Disclaimer: Ranma will not get a harem end. Frankly, he doesn't deserve one.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Cat Scratch Fever

_Caturday is a very dangerous day._

**[21.]**

Kodachi was in the middle of her favorite dream. She was with Ranma, seated on a couch located in the middle of an expansive rose garden, the soothing scent of the flowers filling her senses as the two were in embrace. She was seated upon his lap, gazing fondly to his face, as he smiled warmly down upon her, his strong hands holding her firmly in place. It was pure bliss.

"Ranma-sama, I love you." She confessed with an innocent shyness to her tone.

"And I you, Kodachi-chan…" Ranma replied, of course sounding entirely out of character in her idealistic delusion.

A gentle blush spread across her cheeks, as she began to lean close to him. "Oh please, my love, grace these chaste lips with your touch and claim them."

His eyes drifting to half closed, Ranma prepared to do so, when he suddenly stopped and looked past Kodachi. Befuddled, Kodachi watched as his expression turned to surprise before softening to a mirthful smile. Turning around, she recoiled with a surprised gasp when she saw Akane standing in front of them, her hands on her hips and staring at the two like the cat that just ate the canary.

"You!" Kodachi exclaimed, with all of the hostility she could muster. "How dare you barge into this place unannounced, harlot?"

Akane's expression darkened, but her smile remained. "Who gave you the right to speak to me like that?"

Before she could react, Akane reached out and grasped Kodachi by her ponytail and yanked her to her feet with a shout of protest from the Black Rose. The second Kodachi was on her feet Akane tightened her grip on her hair and tugged on it, tilting her head up so she could look at her face. Kodachi let out a gasp. "Unhand me you, you…!"

She was silenced when Akane forcefully and deeply kissed her. Kodachi ceased struggling as shock seized her, and Akane took advantage of it, dominating the other girl as she pulled her body to hers with her free arm. After several heated moments, Akane tore her mouth away from Kodachi's, leaving her gasping desperately for breath and staring at her as emotions swirled beneath her blushing visage.

"Ah…you…" She desperately tried to form words. "…That was my first kiss…you stole my-!"

Akane brought her face close to hers as she cut her off. "You belong to me, Kodachi. I will take from you whatever I so desire."

She punctuated her statement by gripping Kodachi's backside firmly and lewdly groping her. Her legs already weak from the kiss and Akane's raw sensuality, Kodachi let out a shuddered gasp and seemed to melt without further protest. Seeing this, Akane's smile returned, and she leaned forward to…

"THIEVES!" Her brother's house-trembling roar snapped Kodachi from her dream, and she sat up in bed, panting desperately. "RAPSCALLIONS! BANDITS! TERRORISTS!"

Her wits quickly returning to her, as much as they could for Kodachi, she looked at the clock by her bedside and let out a grumble when she saw that it was time for her to awaken anyway. As she shifted to rise from bed, she stopped and then looked down at the glaring damp spot on her bed sheets. These dreams, to evoke such a strong response from her…

"RETURN MY TREASURES YOU DOGS, OR I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE CORNERS OF THE EARTH, TO THE STARS, BEYOND THE BOUNDS OF TIME AND SPACE, AND INTO THE HEART OF OBLIVION ITSELF! MY WRATH WILL BE LIKE THE LIGHT OF GOD'S RADIANT FURY, BURNING AWAY YOUR FILTH UNTIL NAUGHT BUT DUST REMAINS!"

Kodachi let out a sigh. What was going on now? As she pondered this, she rose from bed and quickly bundled up her sheets for immediate and discreet washing, like Hell was she going to let the house ninja find the evidence and come to the wrong conclusions–or worse, the right ones.

As her brother went about tearing up the house in search of his treasures, Kodachi went off into the bathroom, stripped down, and began showering. With the hot water cascading down her body, she stared down at her feet and let out a sigh. Her dreams of her were so…so risqué!

"Akane-sama…" She purred, just thinking about her making her heart race, before looking up at the fancy detachable showerhead that was doing what it was designed to do. Biting her lower lip briefly, she reached up and detached it, before turning on the massage setting and lowering it between her legs.

She was suddenly interrupted, again, by Tatewaki slamming open the door to the bathroom. "KODACHI, WHERE ARE MY TREASURES?"

Both stopped and stared at one another through the transparent glass of the shower that separated them. Tatewaki's face went a brilliant red, as Kodachi's vision did the same.

"How dare you disrespect a maiden's decency, _AGAIN_?" She roared as she assaulted her brother with everything within arm's reach. After Tatewaki retreated beneath a barrage of exotic soaps and oils, and slammed the door behind him, Kodachi closed the door to the stall and returned to her place under the soothing spray.

"Fool of a brother of mine." She stopped and then looked back towards the door. "Wait a minute, what?"

* * *

Ranma and Akane were in their usual high spirits as they walked to school, with both now sporting the new standard attire of Furinkan High School. Akane was to admit, the more formal jacket and pants looked good on Ranma, while he was happy that her navy and white sailor fuku looked super cute on her while providing much more convenient access. To be honest, she appreciated that too, but the two were totally disgusting perverts for each other.

As the two exchanged glowing conversation on their way, however, the image of their idyllic existence fell into the sights of a high powered camera. The camera then focused its attention on Akane before the photographer, Gosunkugi, snapped a picture of her happy smile.

"Oh Akane, how does he make you happy?" He lamented from his position, flush against the roof of the school, wearing a tarp over his body that was colored the same as the concrete floor. Sighing again, he snapped another picture of her.

Mousse then landed on his back, causing him to let out a loud squeal in suffering. He looked down at Gosunkugi. "It seems I stepped on some garbage."

"W-what are you doing here, Mousse?" Gosunkugi squeaked out, his airflow restricted under the weight of Mousse standing on him.

"I wanted to ask you the same thing, Kaori-san's protection only works if you stay hidden where you're supposed to be." Mousse stepped off Gosunkugi's back.

Gasping for breath, Gosunkugi looked up at Mousse from under his camouflage. "If you must know, I'm trying to find a weakness in Saotome that we can exploit."

"Oh?" Mousse hummed and peered down at him, the ambient mood rendering his glasses opaque. "What have you found, besides the obvious?"

"What do you mean?" Gosunkugi stared up at Mousse, confused. When he didn't receive an answer, he turned his attention back to the couple. "Well, I haven't found any weaknesses yet. But if I keep spying on him, I'm sure to find some flaw or opening in his defenses."

He focused the camera back on Ranma, who was now examining a fairly large rock in his hand while Akane watched in curiosity. Mousse strolled off to the side, leaning against the housing of the school's staircase leading below–putting it between him and the view below. Gosunkugi snapped a picture of Ranma. "When I do find that weakness, I'm going to expose it to the world, by defeating him with it."

"You couldn't even touch him shackled to him at the wrists, while wearing a strength and reflex-enhancing battle suit. Do you really think that you of all the people in the world could exploit it?" Mousse asked.

Gosunkugi visibly cringed before he looked to Mousse. "I'll find that weakness of his, even if it means I have to spy on him day and night! He doesn't know I'm watching. He has to slip up sometime."

"About that…" Mousse said before the rock that Ranma had been examining smashed into Gosunkugi's camera, destroying it before plowing into his face. "…Yeah."

Down on the street, Akane shook her head. "You could've missed and broken a window."

"But I didn't." Ranma said. "Whoever was taking pictures of us is going to have a bad day."

"Sure is." Akane agreed. Content, they carried on their way to class.

* * *

Mousse was still watching, this time from a nearby tree, as Ranma and Akane finally made it to the school's courtyard. Immediately, the two were split up by their respective circles of friends, as they waited for the bell to ring. Akane, of course, was immediately assaulted with praise from her girlfriends at her cute uniform, while Ranma struck up some casual conversation with Hiroshi and Daisuke. Sure, the two were kind of sad, but once they stopped enviously bemoaning their single-status, they turned out to be rather cool guys.

"…You don't know about Gosunkugi?" Hiroshi asked when Ranma brought up the camera incident.

Ranma blinked. "Who?"

"Hikaru Gosunkugi? We call him Spike for short because he's always nailing voodoo dolls to trees; Nabiki's actually been out for his blood for a while now." Hiroshi replied.

"Yeah, he's a complete tool." Daisuke added.

"Gosunkugi, Gosunkugi…" Ranma blinked as he tried to remember him, but he just didn't come up. "No, never heard of him until now. Why does Nabiki want him dead?"

"Wow, you really don't know?" Daisuke asked in amazement. When Ranma shook his head no, he elaborated for him. "Dude, he totally snuck up and cracked her head open with a cane and stole Doctor Tofu's ingredient book back during that whole thing when Shampoo erased your memory."

Hiroshi nodded. "Yeah, he destroyed the remedy for that shampoo she used, because he wanted to break you and Akane up for good."

Ranma stared at them. "How do you know all this exposition, when I don't?"

"I guess because Spike's a twig and if you actually went after him you'd kill him." Daisuke noted.

"Huh, it'd pretty much be that. Besides Nabiki said that 'He was her bitch and nobody else was laying a finger on him until she did'." Hiroshi added.

Ranma could understand that, if somebody blindsided him like that, he'd be pretty pissed off too. More power to Nabiki and lots of luck in her endeavor he supposed. Maybe Gosunkugi was still on the roof and she could corner him up there. Before he could opt to find Nabiki, however, a commotion came from the school gates, and barreled straight towards him. It was Kuno, incoherently angry about something or other.

"SAOTOME, PREPARE YOURSELF!" Ranma dodged his opening strike with little effort, stepped aside to avoid a second one, and then took a pace or two to back away from a third. "YOU WILL DIE THIS DAY FOR YOUR CRIMES!"

Given his mature, composed behavior since the last few days, Kuno's sudden regression back to normal was met with complete confusion not only from Ranma but from everyone else who watched the buffoon swing ineffectually at him. At least, Ranma noted, he'd gotten noticeably faster at striking him.

"Uh, is something wrong?" Ranma asked as he finally plucked the bokken from his hands, faster than Kuno could see. Off balanced by the sudden maneuver, Kuno fell onto his face, but was back onto his feet and pointing at him.

"Who else but you would dare take my treasure?" He accused vehemently. Ranma grew only more confused.

"What 'treasure' are you talking about, Kuno?" He asked.

"My photos, my posters, my body pillows of my two Goddesses…all have been stolen! Absconded with! Only a pathetic excuse for a Man would dare stoop so low!" Kuno ranted as he produced another bokken from thin air.

Ranma stared at Kuno, and then went over what he had just said. "Wait…_body pillows_?"

There was an image not leaving his head for a long time. Ranma shuddered in revulsion. Kuno didn't get one swing in before Ranma removed the bokken from his hand. He recoiled in surprise. "Sorcery!"

"Look, I didn't take your stuff, Kuno." Ranma tossed the bokken aside. "Though I'd like to know where you got a body pillow of Akane…me too, for that matter."

"I'm sure you would, lecher!" Said the man who owned (and probably paid for) two of them. He somehow had a third bokken, but this time Akane removed it from his hands. Whirling around to face her, he froze in surprise. "Fairest Akane, my shrine to you has been desecrated, please forgive your humble worshipper, I vow on my life that I will punish the fiend who dared!"

Looking past Kuno, Akane searched Ranma for some kind of explanation, and received only a bemused shrug of the shoulders in return. Returning to Kuno, she tried to be as nice as she could as she set down the bokken and took him by the arm. "Come on Kuno-sempai; let's get you to the nurse's office."

"Why the nurse's office? I am in no need for a physician! I need a detective! There is foul-play afoot, and I shall get to the bottom of it!" Kuno declared as Akane led him off. Watching them go, Ranma scratched the back of his head as Hiroshi and Daisuke joined his flanks.

"Wow, you didn't beat the crap out of him." Hiroshi said.

Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "I was too confused."

"Ah." Both responded, before Daisuke noted. "What do you suppose happened? I mean, where did the cool Kuno go?"

"Don't know, but it'd be nice if he came back soon." Ranma replied before Principal Kuno suddenly appeared and began his usual flavor of nonsense. Any beatings withheld from the son were gladly dispensed upon the father.

* * *

Left alone and strapped down to the bed in the nurse's office, Kuno seethed. Now he was beyond a doubt certain of Ranma's involvement in the theft of his treasures, and he was in no way going to let him get away with this violation of his property–no, this desecration of his true devotion.

"Just you wait Saotome; I will take back my love. You are already dead!" He growled in defiance.

A meek voice from his side caught his attention. "So, you hate Saotome as well?"

"As sure and as vast is my love for Akane and The Pigtailed Girl, my hatred stretches for Ranma Saotome." Kuno replied, before he looked towards the source of the voice. He was on the other side of the curtain, laid up on the bed there. "What vendetta do you hold against the fiend?"

"He has deprived me of my chance at love." Lamented Gosunkugi, his face still bruised from the rock he took to it. "Plus, he destroyed my favorite camera."

Kuno's eyes widened. "He has taken your love from you as well? That bastard, does he know no restraint?"

Gosunkugi tried not to roll his eyes. "I envy you, sempai."

"Oh?" Kuno raised his brows.

"Yes, you're the only one who stands up to Saotome, even after everyone else gave up and quit…you still fight for your love against that womanizer." Gosunkugi pressed his buttons carefully, though he didn't have to–Kuno had only three, four tops. "I still believe in you, though…and I've been in search of a weakness that could cripple Saotome…"

"A weakness…?" Kuno's eyes flew wide as he broke free of his bonds. "Of course, all men have at least one weakness! Surely, that most craven of cowards must have several that he conceals beneath his bravado."

He pulled the curtains back and looked down upon Gosunkugi. "Knave, have you determined any possible openings–the chink in his armor that I may thrust my blade through?"

Gosunkugi shook his head with a sad sigh. "Not yet, but I feel I am closer than ever. Give me time, sempai, and I will reveal the coward for what he truly is. Then, and only then, can you strike him down with the force and might of your justice."

"I will give you more than time; I will give you my every resource! I would spend my every yen to see Saotome broken at my feet, and if you can see to it then I will spend that yen on you!" Kuno then declared.

Well, that worked out better than Gosunkugi had hoped for, and he had just winged it from the get-go. Sitting up on the bed, Gosunkugi bowed his head upon it. "You are too kind and merciful, sempai, I will not fail you."

The door to the nurse's office then slammed open, revealing Nabiki wearing a murderous smile as she targeted Gosunkugi. "I thought I heard a _bitch_."

Gosunkugi didn't even look; he sprang laterally from where he sat and threw himself through the window of the nurse's office before hitting the ground outside in a roll and running for his life. Running up to the window, Nabiki called after him.

"Next time I see you, you're fucked Gosunkugi!" She screamed angrily. "You can't run forever!"

Stepping back from the window and letting out a huff, Nabiki turned to Kuno. "Oh Hey Kuno-baby–where did your shades go?"

Kuno stared at Nabiki. "Shades?"

* * *

_The Investigator's Log of Hikaru Gosunkugi, Entry X1: Saotome destroyed my best camera and telescoping lens, so now all of my intelligence has to be done at closer range. What I've learned so far is that Ranma and Akane generally get along aside from instances where they call each other names and disagree on matters. Is their arguing a weakness in their relationship? It is too dangerous to inquire among witnesses; many are in the camp of Nabiki Tendo. Eavesdropping and other forms of observation are recommended._

_Entry X2: It is just before lunch. Saotome and Akane get into an argument, subject of the argument is unknown. Akane seems to be pressuring Ranma towards trying something different, but he appears strongly against it. What does Akane want to try that Ranma is so against? Further investigation is required; it could be a clue in on a possible weak point._

_Entry X3: Contact with Saotome and Akane lost during lunch. Efforts to relocate put on hold due to hunger. It's Tuesday and that means it is fajita day._

_Entry X4: Akane returns to school after lunch late and alone, and gets a talking to from the teacher. She seems worn out, and is walking funny. Did Saotome hurt her? Sayuri and Yuka are whispering to her and she is blushing, but I cannot hear what they're saying–the acoustics in this ventilation shaft are very poor. Also, there are rats._

_Entry X5: Hiding in cardboard box from Nabiki, she can't find me. I feel like Snake. Akane is coaching Volleyball on the gym field girls against the boys. Her breasts have gotten bigger, and her bloomers are tighter around her hips enough to see the faintest outline of her privates. I can stare at her for hours. Oh Akane, every day you grow lovelier._

_Entry X6: I was discovered peeping on Akane by Nabiki. I barely managed to escape. Hiding in a refuse bin…I may have soiled myself. I have._

_Entry X7: Have been dumped into School Incinerator by careless student, it burns, it burns, it burns, BURNS, BURNS!_

_The New Investigator's Log of Hikaru Gosunkugi, Entry X1: Old Log badly damaged by fire, switching to new notebook. School has ended and Saotome has returned. It appears he went to work. Akane is suspicious of Shampoo, possible weakness?_

_Entry X2: Saotome and Akane stop by convenience store, and appear to be a little uneasy. Unable to determine what was purchased due to items being stuffed in a paper bag. When inquiring with the store manager, I was told to blow it out my ass. Continuing observation, I will pursue along the riverbank to evade detection._

_Entry X3: Just woke up in empty lot, covered in bruises six blocks away from river. Last thing I remember is leaving convenient store and hearing a bicycle bell. Time is now twelve forty-two in the morning. I'm just going to go home._

* * *

By the end of the week, Kuno was impatiently awaiting the result of Gosunkugi's espionage, and it would seem that his patience paid off as Gosunkugi arrived with a large box in hand before setting it down. He immediately took the young man by the shoulder. "I trust you have uncovered Saotome's weakness? I've given you ample time, even diverted the attentions of that devil woman, Nabiki Tendo."

Oh, how he admired Kuno's ability to not fear Nabiki. Gosunkugi produced a stack of photos. "For the past few days, I've been monitoring and secretly photographing his movements up close and personal. I have been a fly on his wall at all times, see for your own eyes."

He handed Kuno the photos, and he quickly rifled through them. Immediately, Kuno noticed a continuing theme, before he looked back down to the cowardly young lad.

"You do realize…that Saotome is posing for every picture, right?" He asked as he flipped through the photos. He stopped when he caught one of him squeezing an unsuspecting Akane's backside while giving a thumb's up and a wink to the camera. "Oh that bastard is dead."

Gosunkugi looked at the picture and went paler than usual. "How dare he? Well don't worry; I have a plan to defeat Ranma once and for all-!"

Ranma was suddenly standing atop Kuno's head, his weight causing him to bow low. "Defeat who, now?"

"Saotome…while I respect that you have not gone out of your way to exact physical harm upon me in the past few days, I must ask…why you are standing atop my head?" Kuno asked as he struggled to hold Ranma up with the power of his neck.

Ranma held his cell phone down for Kuno to see the text message on the screen, which explicitly requested that he meet the sender atop Kuno's head in the Kendo Club dojo. If Kuno could nod, he would. "I see. That's a very nice phone you have."

"Thanks, it's an Android." Ranma said before Gosunkugi flung the contents of the box all over him, covering him in spiders, centipedes, hornets, frogs, snakes, and other horrible little creatures. "Uh…okay?"

"I never found his weak point, so I'm certain that his weakness is not physical, but psychological!" Gosunkugi replied, before an ear-splitting and high-pitched scream rattled the windows of the school.

Over in the commissary, Akane looked to Nabiki. "Did you hear that?"

"Did it sound like a grown man getting in touch with his feminine side in the worst way?" Nabiki replied.

"Uh huh." Akane resumed eating.

"Nope." Nabiki took a sip of her juice.

Back in the Kendo Club's dojo, Ranma was rubbing his ear. "Man Kuno that was a face-melter just now." He looked from Kuno to Gosunkugi. "So that's your little game, huh? Trying to find my weakness won't do you any good. I don't have one."

"You are a liar and a bureaucrat!" Kuno roared as he leapt to his feet in supreme indignation. "No man lacks fear! Even I, Kuno, fear these beasts!"

Ranma picked up one of the hornets, popped out the stinger, and promptly ate it before Gosunkugi and Kuno's disbelieving eyes. "I eat these things for snacks _you, Kuno_. They're high in protein."

"Inhuman!" Kuno gasped.

Gosunkugi looked green. "Gross…"

Smirking, Ranma turned and headed for the door. "Even if I had a weakness, it'd take forever for you losers to find it. Later, jerks."

Kuno would not be deterred. He called after him. "If I find your weakness and best you, Saotome! You will allow for me to date the Pigtailed Girl and Akane, together at once!"

What the Hell, it wasn't like Kuno had a chance in it. Ranma waved of back at him without looking. "Sure, whatever you say Kuno. It's a bet."

With that Ranma left the Kendo dojo and began to walk back towards the commissary, his jovial expression becoming one of considerable consternation. "Like Hell am I letting those idiots figure out my weakness. It's bad enough Akane and Shampoo already know…if anyone else knew…"

He trailed off when a cat walked across his path. It was a calico, about a year old, and absolutely adorable. To Ranma, it was the most terrifying thing he ever witness walk the Earth, and his window shattering scream immediately captured the school's attention. Gosunkugi and Kuno were both out in a flash, with the former immediately vanishing when Nabiki and Akane also arrived to find Ranma passed out, paralyzed from head to toe and frothing at the mouth.

"No!" Akane exclaimed as she reached his side. "Ranma, speak to me, what happened?"

"Maybe…" Nabiki looked to Kuno. "Nah, it couldn't have been."

"Regrettably it was not I who struck down the cad. But what could have, and how?" Kuno scanned the school grounds, only catching sight of a panicked cat fleeing the premises. He immediately disregarded its importance. "Clearly a powerful force of good is at work here, was it perhaps Sailor Moon?"

Akane saw the cat too, and realized what happened. "Nabiki, I'm taking him home."

"Do what you have to do." Nabiki said, completely perplexed by Ranma of all people being struck down like this. It wasn't natural. Behind her, in a bush hidden from her nigh-omnipresent senses, Gosunkugi watched as Akane picked Ranma up and quickly rushed to leave the school. Ranma did have a weakness, and suddenly Gosunkugi was on the cusp of discovering it.

* * *

When Ranma snapped out of her fear-induced stupor, she was in the familiar and comforting confines of Akane's bedroom. Wait, she? When had she been turned into a girl, and where was her shirt? She turned her head and found Akane lying next to her, in the middle of a nap. How long had she been out?

She began to nudge Akane awake. "Akane, what happened?"

Opening her eyes, Akane smiled in relief. "Thank goodness, I tried everything to wake you, even a bucket of water, but you were really gone." She then grew shy. "I had to take your shirt off because it was soaked."

"Oh…well thanks for getting me out of there at least." Ranma rested her head on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. Akane immediately embraced and pulled her into a cuddle. Ranma rested her arm over Akane's shoulder pretended not to notice how she was nuzzling the side of her breast.

"Kuno's trying to find a weakness." She revealed to her. "If he finds out that I have a fear of cats, he's going to use it every chance he gets."

Akane stared at Ranma's breasts from where she rested her head in the crook of the boy-turned-girl's shoulder, watching them rise and fall with her breathing. "He won't find out, and if he tries, I'll knock his block off–crazy dad or no."

Ranma sighed. "Man, I wish the cool Kuno was around, I could actually go around as a girl and he didn't even bat an eye."

Sure, Kuno still didn't realize that the girl and boy Ranma were one and the same, but on the other hand he was–as said–a really cool guy. As Ranma mulled over this, Akane's gaze narrowed to her nipples, erect from both the cool ambient air of the room and her proximity. Ranma didn't notice Akane lick her lips as curious thoughts ran through her fiancée's head. She then snapped out of it and looked up to Ranma's face.

"I wonder what caused that…" Akane asked aloud, although she had a hunch. She didn't think _that_could be the reason, however.

"Who knows, I hope he shows up more often, though." Ranma lamented, before she turned her head to look at Akane. Staring back at her, Akane smiled and leaned forward to give Ranma an affectionate kiss, only to be stopped. "Uh…as a guy, please?"

Akane nodded, still smiling despite being annoyed that she had to get up. "Sure…let me get some water."

On her way downstairs, Akane saw Kasumi walk past the steps in search, and gently calling a name. "Hanachiyo, Hanachiyo…come on out…"

"Hanachiyo, what's a Hanachiyo?" Akane asked as she walked with Kasumi into the kitchen and began to get the hot water.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. I'm watching the neighbor's cat. I took my eyes off her for only a second and she took off." Kasumi replied, a bit miffed that Hanachiyo would run off like she did. She then noticed the horror on Akane's face. "What is it, Akane-chan?"

"There's a cat in the house?" She squeaked out, before Ranma's ear-splitting shriek made everyone in the house jump. A loud thump in the hallway upstairs followed a moment later "Ranma!"

Rushing upstairs, they found Ranma passed out in the hallway outside of Akane's door, with a cat perched upon her stomach, cleaning herself. The door to her room opening, Nabiki peered out and down at Ranma. She only needed a moment before she realized what was going on. "Okay wait a second, let me get my camera, because I have to hear the explanation for this one."

Kasumi just stared, while Akane placed her hands on her hips. "Don't be a bitch, Nabiki."

* * *

And so, the Tendo and Saotome family members were gathered downstairs, a very male Ranma sitting hunched over and semiconscious as everyone stared at Genma. Naturally, they knew only to suspect him. Akane of course knew the story, so she focused on trying to snap Ranma out of it. Nabiki, just like she promised, had a camera ready and everything for the story Genma was about to weave for them.

"So let me understand this best I can," Soun was trying not to struggle with this latest revelation, "Ranma is deathly afraid of cats?"

"Yes, indeed he is. Suffice to say, it is my fault for his condition." Genma sat seiza, his gaze turned downward, and his expression poetically stoic. "Many years ago, I learned of an unstoppable and deadly martial art, known as the Cat Fist, and endeavored to teach it to Ranma."

Nabiki nodded. "Cat Fist, you say?"

"The method of training was simple." Genma explained as he nodded to Nabiki. "You tied fish sausages around the trainee, and threw him into a locked room full of cats that had been starving for at least two days."

Nabiki and Kasumi stared at Genma, their expressions frozen and unblinking in their usual attentiveness. Akane noticed their state and then looked back to Genma. Her Father seemed mesmerized by this "Training Technique". "How rigorous…"

"How old was Ranma-kun when you put him through this training?" Kasumi asked.

"I would like to say seven or eight, thereabouts." Genma replied.

Kasumi nodded slowly. "And how many cats were there?"

"Easily several dozen, I grabbed any cat I could find off the streets, the guide stated the more feral the better." Genma quickly answered.

Nabiki's expression was still frozen, as Kasumi nodded. "So…you took your seven year old child."

"Yes." Genma answered.

"Tied fish sausage around him…" Kasumi went over the step.

"Correct."

"…And threw him into a pit full of dozens and dozens of starving, feral cats." She finished.

Genma nodded again. "Yes, like I didn't just get through explaining this. Of course, when the training didn't take the first time–all it left him was with a crippling fear of cats–I tried it a few more times, even tried different kinds of fish. Dried sardines, salted sardines, even fish cakes…"

Kasumi's mental sieve was filling at an alarming rate as Genma spoke. Nabiki's left eye twitched a little bit, but she made no other sign of movement or awareness of the world around her. She just kept staring at Genma. Reaching into his pocket, the Saotome Patriarch produced a guidebook to martial arts. "This book was the culprit of course. It wasn't until I kept reading, vexed by the technique's failure, that I understood that I had been deceived."

He set the book down, and Kasumi, Akane and Soun leaned over the table to read its contents. Turning to the next page and reading the contents Akane's hair immediately frazzled and she reached down and turned the page back, she then turned the page forward, and then back to the first…before flipping it again, and finally back to the page she had started on. She looked up at Genma, and then back down at the book, before picking it up and reading the entire two page section on the Cat Fist. Rather, one page spread across two.

She looked over at Ranma, then back to Genma, and then looked to her Father. "What."

"I had fallen for it complete-." Nabiki rose from where she sat, and took a deep breath, interrupting Genma. "Ah?"

"I'm going to go for a walk…somewhere…" Her tone indicated that she had just been beaten, savagely, to the point where she lacked any physical, emotional, or spiritual strength. "…Just…gonna go now…"

If Nabiki stayed any longer, she might die of a brain hemorrhage, she inwardly feared. Aimlessly, she walked outside, and made it to a corner of the Tendo Dojo's perimeter wall before she collapsed into a sobbing, laughing heap, completely overwhelmed by the stupidity of Genma Saotome.

"I see…" Kasumi looked from the book to Genma. Completely serene, blithe even, she spoke. "Just so you know I am convinced you are the worst Father in the world. I just wanted to make sure you knew, so as to dispel any confusion the day I completely snap and kill you. Oh, and I will do it, so don't try to run, okay?"

Akane was shockingly more measured. "I'm letting this one go…just for this once, because you taught me the Umisenken and worked really hard so I could get Ranma back from Shampoo. But it's only just this once, you buffoon."

"Truly, he is an idiot for the ages." Ranma derided from where he continued to sit, his stupor replaced with fuming. Picking up Hanachiyo, Genma dropped her on his son's face, causing him to faint dead away again.

Akane cracked her knuckles. "You held onto it long as you could."

As Akane leaped across the table to lay a spectacular beating onto Genma, Gosunkugi clamped his hands over his mouth to muffle his joy from where he was hidden under the Tendo home. Cats! Saotome was afraid of cats! This was the biggest coup in the history of his life! With this, he could defeat him once and for all, and then there'd be nothing between him and Akane.

"Yes…yes…!" He squeaked gleefully before he practically slithered off into the shadows to make his escape. He needed to tell everyone about this!

* * *

The next day, the Furinkan High School Kendo Club was in jubilation with the timely arrival of Gosunkugi and his incredible news. It was rapturous, Ranma Saotome was afraid of cats, and once bested, the Pigtailed Girl would be his to date, and there was nothing that bastard could do. So excited was Kuno that the fantasy fueled by his lust sent not just a cold shiver up Ranma's spine, it completely paralyzed him in the overwhelming dread that something bad was going to happen at School today.

Akane noticed Ranma's revulsion as they passed through the school gates, and frowned. "What's bothering you now?"

"Just had a bad feeling all of a sudden…" Ranma muttered as he rubbed the back of his neck. At that very instant a very girly song began to play from Ranma's pocket jacket pocket.

_"Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight…"_

Akane paused and stared at Ranma before reaching into said pocket and producing his phone. She smiled to him. "Moonlight Legend, _really_…?"

Ranma snorted. "It came with the phone." And it was his favorite song. "Just give it here."

Taking the phone he checked the message and stopped the embarrassing song before anyone else in the school's courtyard could catch wind. He blinked, and then looked to Akane. "Hey, it's from you. You've been kidnapped and are being held hostage in the gym."

"I have?" Akane asked. "Well damn they're good, I didn't even realize it."

Ranma chuckled. "We should be wary; these are skilled opponents, kidnapping you while you're still here."

Akane giggled. "Oh! Perhaps they are from the future, and have abducted the future me. Quickly then, let's go rescue me from those fiends."

In moments, Ranma and Akane entered the gymnasium, to confront whatever cockamamie scheme was being pulled at their expense. They unfortunately found out all too quickly, when they entered and were greeted by Hikaru Gosunkugi on the gym's stage dressed in a girl's school uniform and wearing a wig of short blue hair cut identical to Akane's. Seeing Ranma, he immediately put on his act, calling out in his best falsetto.

"Oh Ranma-kun, you've come to rescue me! I'm so relieved." It sounded pretty much how one would expect a teenage boy in the midst of puberty pretending to be a girl to sound. Akane blanched at the impersonation, while Ranma was ambivalent.

"I don't know whether to laugh or to feel weird knowing that with a little makeup he could pull off the trap look pretty good." He said, offending Akane.

"Oh, not as good as you, _Miss_Saotome." She growled, disgusted by Gosunkugi's failure of a disguise. In an instant she had him by the collar of his sailor fuku, holding his feet off the ground. "Who are you, and why are you dressed as me?"

Gosunkugi stared at Akane, and his face burned a brilliant red as euphoria overcame him. Pulling away from her, he fell to his knees and brought his hands to his cheeks in the perfect picture of a swoon. "Akane spoke to me!"

Ranma leaped onto the stage and joined Akane's side. "It's the guy Nabiki wants to kill. You know, the one who cold-cocked her at Tofu's?"

Akane looked from Ranma to Gosunkugi. "This is him?"

When Ranma nodded affirmative, Akane turned to face Gosunkugi, who was still in his own little world he went off to when Akane verbally addressed him. The look on her face that appeared promised that she was going to physically address him in a moment. Seeing this, Ranma stopped her–even taking a step in the kid's direction would probably kill him.

"Don't, he's not a fighter. The kid looks like the sort who actually dies when they're killed." He warned.

Akane scoffed at that. "Nonsense, nobody dies when you kill them. You really need to ignore what people say…"

She trailed off because the floor had suddenly disappeared from underneath them. About twelve feet later they were in the storage room under the stage after falling with little incident. Staring down at them, Gosunkugi let out a wicked little cackle as he peered over the edge of the trap door. "You've fallen into my trap, Saotome!"

In an instant, Ranma hopped up onto the back of Gosunkugi's head and stood there. "Dude, the only trap here is you."

"Fuck you, Ranma!" Akane called out from the basement. Gosunkugi, somehow holding Ranma up, grimaced when he realized that he was indeed at a disadvantage for failing to take into account Ranma's physical ability…or so he wanted Ranma to think.

"It would seem that you have bested me…but little do you know, I have actually planned for this contingency." Gosunkugi revealed as a second trap was triggered, and a Tanuki statue fell towards Ranma's head…

…And landed on Gosunkugi's when he hopped out of the way. Landing next to Akane, Ranma looked down with her at Gosunkugi, pinned under the heavy statue. He was still alive, to his surprise. "Huh, I guess you're right. People _don't_ die when they're killed."

"I told you." Akane said as she pushed the statue off him. "Are you alright, weird boy?"

Gosunkugi swooned again, and looked away with his hands over his flushed cheeks. "A-Akane is worried about my well-being!"

Akane looked to Ranma. "He has a crush on me, doesn't he?"

"Who _doesn't_?" Ranma replied.

Akane pouted. "Fuck you, Ranma."

Gosunkugi sighed, and rubbed his back. "Well, this is it, I've gotten this far and now it's time to strike the finishing blow."

Ranma turned his head from Akane to Gosunkugi. "What you talking about, Spike?"

Gosunkugi then pulled out a necklace of Fish Sausage and tossed it around Ranma's neck like a lei. Staring down at it, Ranma recognized it instantly by the smell alone, and his eyes widened. "Uh…Spike…why did you give me a necklace of fish sausage?"

Turning his back to him, Gosunkugi smiled. "Why, indeed Saotome. I can't believe that you fell for it even when you walked straight into the most obvious trap on Earth. But I guess I can only attest that to your overwhelming stupidity, just now you made Kuno-sempai look like a genius."

Ranma then heard the most terrifying sound on Earth…to him at least, the many, many meows of hungry cats as they began to exit the nooks and crannies of gymnasium and stage equipment stored in the basement, attracted by the smell of the sausage.

Gosunkugi let out a little laugh, and rubbed the back of his neck. "What's even more amazing is that it only took me a day to find your weakness the moment I had a hint…not even that if you want to be technical about it. Tell me, Saotome, how does it feel to be so utterly defeated?"

Akane looked from the cats to Ranma, who was already beginning to lock up as the cats surrounded him on all sides. Gosunkugi removed the Akane wig, and turned to face him, looking like a stylized anime villain. "Kukuku…to be afraid of something as harmless as the common cat, you're even less of a man than me, Saotome!"

He leaned down as Ranma seemed to shrink in his paralyzing fear and wore an ear-to-ear grin. "Well? How is it? How does absolute terror taste? It's not…_fishy_…is it?"

Ranma was panting quickly now, as his eyes darted among the growing crowd of cats, when he looked up, Gosunkugi seemed almost like a cat himself with his smug expression, glowing eyes…and…a cat-eared hair piece? Oh man, the girl clothes were bad enough, Spike. "Go ahead and scream, Ranma. It's okay if you want to-nya."

Instead of a scream, Ranma let out a clearly unstable laugh and rose to his feet. "Do you honestly think that I'm afraid?"

Ranma giggled again, clearly losing his mind in fear. His bravado, however, was enough to confuse Gosunkugi. "That's preposterous! I'm not afraid of a mere cat!"

Gosunkugi stared at him. "Those are an entirely different species."

In front of her computer, Usagi Tsukino scrolled straight to the bottom of the page and typed in a review for the story. "Go fuck yourself, you joke-recycling hack."

Closing the browser, she went off to kick the demons in the face.

Back in the basement, Akane buried her face in her palm as Ranma just laughed maniacally at Gosunkugi's correction. "So? Cat, meerkat, catfish, catapults, I'm not afraid of any of them!"

"That joke makes no sense in Japanese…" Akane pointed out.

"REGARDLESS!" Ranma yelled out, silencing both. "I'm going to leave now, because this room full of c-cats bores me. Come now Akane let us go."

He took Gosunkugi by the arm and headed for the nearest door. Stopping at the door, he turned to "Akane" and stared. "Wait a second, you're not Akane…but you're so gorgeous, sorry for the confusion."

"He's really out of it…" Akane said before she walked over and shoved Gosunkugi aside. She had to get him out of here before he completely lost it or something. Landing on his back, Gosunkugi stared at where Akane's hand was on his chest and he felt faint.

"Akane…touched me…" He whispered in the voice of a virgin who just experienced his first orgasm. He looked up to Akane, and his eyes widened when he saw the door they were about to exit. "Wait, don't open that door!"

"Be quiet you disturbing creep, being in your presence makes me want to die." She opened the door and found herself staring into the face of a tiger the size of a horse. For a long time she stared at it, before slowly closing the door, and turning around to walk away from it, leading Ranma with her. She stopped and looked up at the ceiling. "I didn't mean it this time, God."

The door was batted off its hinges by the inexplicably huge tiger, and she, Gosunkugi, and every cat in the room joined Ranma in their abject terror as the tiger roared at them, before its stomach roared even louder than that. They all immediately plastered themselves to a corner, all behind Ranma as he stared up at the biggest cat he had ever seen in his life.

"Oh, Spike." Akane called in the politest voice she could muster. "Why the fuck is there a hungry tiger in here with us?"

"W-well…I figured there was a chance regular cats wouldn't be enough…so I went bigger just in case." He explained, his eyes glued to the gigantic animal stalking towards them.

"Bigger…so you went with a tiger? Not a Maine Coon, or an ocelot, or a lynx or something? You decided to get a tiger?" Akane's voice was trembling with her entire body as her tone increased in anger. "You do realize we are going to die now, right? Ranma's not quite here right now, and that thing looks like it can bite through titanium."

"I-I thought you said that people didn't die when they-."

"We played that joke enough, okay?" Akane quickly cut them off, as Ranma looked from the cat in front of him, to the cats clinging to him behind. In his mind, the horrifying memories of claws, teeth, and fur kept assaulting him in relentless waves. Every single governor and subsystem in his mind dedicated to maintaining his sanity failed in a magnificent cascade, and with no hope for immediate recovery in sight, the final trigger was pulled…and Ranma's brain shut down.

The hungry tiger's advance stopped, when Ranma let out a very angry yowl. Falling to his hands and feet before Akane and Gosunkugi's eyes, Ranma arched his back and began padding towards the tiger, a low, threatening caterwaul emanating from the back of his throat.

Baffled, Akane stared wide-eyed at her fiancé. "Ranma…?"

Gosunkugi was equally struck. "What's wrong with him?"

As the many cats in the basement similarly wondered who this man turned cat was, the tiger let out a long, challenging roar. For some reason what suddenly seemed prey had become a challenger, a somewhat intimidating one at that in the wild cat's eyes.

* * *

The sounds of roars, crashing, and banging had summoned nearly everyone with a weapon to the gymnasium, with Kuno and the Principal leading the impromptu army in. Kuno was irritated that this distraction had come up, shortly before school Gosunkugi had informed him that he had found Saotome's weakness and needed a few million yen or so to exploit it. Of course, money being no object to him he handed it over but now he was impatient to see what the result of this would be. His Father was annoyed for entirely different reasons.

"About time a brudda appears in dis chapter _properly_." He derided gloomily, but ready to welcome whatever chaos this was and punish those responsible. He hadn't seen hide or hair of Saotome all morning so far, and was hoping it was him.

At the back of the crowd, Nabiki didn't like the sounds she heard in addition to the roars and sounds of combat, namely the meows and hisses of many, many cats. Coincidence had been a bitch these last couple of days, and she was ready to put money on what it was. Before she could start taking bets, however, the trap door to the gymnasium basement opened in an eruption of terrified cats, which all quickly went running past the feet of the students and out every door they could find.

Nabiki stared at the cat eruption, catruption if you will, and pulled out her cell phone before hitting speed dial. "Hello, is this Mugen Academy? Yes, I'd like to speak with your headmistress, Kaori Kuromine? Hello, Kuromine-san? This is Nabiki Tendo again, and I was wondering if we could negotiate a lower rate for attendance…"

A somewhat battered and equally terrified tiger suddenly leaped out next and into the arms of Kuno, who showed more annoyance than fear at the face that a horse-sized tiger was fearfully clinging to him. Off to the side, the strategically placed Hiroshi and Daisuke looked to each other, before the former spoke. "Looks like Kuno-sempai finally got himself some pussy, huh?"

The latter stared at his friend, and punched him in the dick. With that, Nabiki spoke to the person on the other end of the line. "On second thought, I'll pay as much as you like. I don't think money can be an object under these circumstances."

Kuno dropped the tiger, which immediately hid behind him in fear as a blur suddenly shot from the hole and bounced off the walls, floor, ceiling and even students before suddenly diving for Kuno–or rather the Tiger behind him. A last second leap saved him from being clawed, but the floor where he had stood suffered several long gashes from the strike.

"What on Earth!" Kuno yelled out, as Ranma looked from the slashes in the floor to him. "Saotome, what manner of sorcery are you up to this time?"

Ranma only answered with a very loud and threatening caterwaul, as he raised a hand like a cat and stared at him and the tiger. Producing his bokken, Kuno stared at Ranma and raised the bokken at him. "Have you gone mad?"

Akane leaped from the basement with a somewhat mauled Gosunkugi under her arm. Conspicuously, she appeared completely untouched compared to the idiot she carried. "Everyone, get away from him! He's dangerous!"

"Like a wild animal, I see?" Kuno lunged at Ranma. "Then I shall put the beast down once and for-!"

His bokken, hair, and clothes were completely shredded in a single swipe of his claw, and Kuno was sent tumbling through the crowd of students, to lie in a heap near the door. That same claw swipe had torn the clothes of the other gathered students and left the gymnasium floor in ribbon-like shavings.

"What incredible power!" A student cried out, as Ranma advanced on what he perceived to be a new threat.

"He didn't even touch the floor!" Another student cried out, possibly the same one. Nabiki rushed over to Akane, and actually stopped when she saw her carrying Gosunkugi. She decided that he could wait as she addressed more pressing matters.

"What's wrong with Ranma?" She asked.

"I have no idea. This idiot," Akane held up Gosunkugi for emphasis, "Tried to take advantage of Ranma's fears and he just freaked out. He's completely berserk!"

Nabiki looked to her phone. "Sorry Kuromine-san, but we'll have to continue this later."

Ending the call, she contacted Shampoo. "Hey gun-slave, get your exceptional ass over here. We need someone to subdue Ranma, and fast!"

She ended the call and then called the house. Akane raised an eyebrow. "Exceptional, you say?"

"Have you ever _seen_Shampoo's ass? It's pretty much perfect." Nabiki noted, as Kasumi answered the phone. "Ranma's gone crazy from his cat fear, tell the bastard to get here before he uses the entire school as a scratching post."

Ending the call after receiving an affirmative, Nabiki looked over with Akane to Kuno, who seemed extremely calm despite bleeding from some severe slashing injuries. Akane called out. "Where's Ranma?"

"That coward, he fled." Kuno replied calmly.

Sayuri then called over. "Kuno threw his bokken out the door and Ranma went after it like a distracted kitten. You'd better hurry; Principal Kuno went after him and he was carrying a big pair of shears and gas-powered hair clippers and giggling like a shaving fetishist."

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "That's going to be short."

"Oh yeah it is, let's go." Akane said, dropping Gosunkugi as she rushed after them.

Nabiki turned to Gosunkugi and smiled. "Don't you go anywhere, okay?"

With that she followed, and of course the much maligned Gosunkugi immediately slunk away.

* * *

In one of the many convenient trees that were located on Furinkan's grounds and had not been demolished by Shampoo's rampage, Mousse watched with vested interest as Ranma leaped and bounded about the green, batting and chasing Kuno's destroyed wooden sword like a cat would a toy. A branch shifting above him alerted him to the presence of that ninja, who watched in bemusement.

"What is going on down there?" She asked.

"Ranma is currently insane. It'd be best not to go down there." Mousse said. "You may die."

Principal Kuno then ran onto the scene, and Mousse nodded. "Here, watch this."

"Here kitty-kitty, if you gonna be in de school you gonna follow de rules yeah?" Principal Kuno asked as he slowly advanced on Ranma, who stared at him and then began to growl ominously. "So how about bein' a nice kitty for me and getting all dat mean ol' hair shaved off? Who is a good kitty? Dat's right, come to da big Kahuna-AHHHHHH!"

"Oh my…" The ninja said as she looked away. "Saotome's in a dangerous state…"

"It's best to approach with caution, ergo…not any time soon." Mousse noted. "So why are you here?"

"I need you to help me guide Hibiki back here, Mistress has been done with him, but he can't seem to find his way." The ninja replied as Ranma all but strutted off, content in his victory. Mousse raised his eyebrows.

"Done with the lost idiot? What did she do to him?" He asked.

"You'll see when he gets back here." The ninja replied, as Akane and Nabiki arrived on the scene. Both girls looked down at the mauled Principal, before the older sister glanced to her sibling.

"He's completely out of control." Akane said.

"You know maybe we could just leave him like this for a while." Nabiki replied. Akane gave her a look. "It was just a thought."

"I like my boyfriend with his mental faculties intact, thanks." Akane growled.

"Nihao!" Shampoo called as she dropped in from above. "What this about Ranma going crazy?"

Akane gestured to Ranma tearing up a tree like it were a scratching post, Shampoo whistled. "Heard cat thing was bad, no idea it was this bad."

"I can't reason with him, and believe me I tried back when he was making that tiger his bitch." Akane explained, as she gestured to the frightened tiger watching with the crowd starting to gather.

"You want me to knock out?" Shampoo produced one of her chúi for effect.

Akane looked over to Ranma. "Give it a shot; just…make it as painless as you can, alright?"

"And watch out for those claws, they can be sharp." Nabiki advised.

Seeing the incredibly obvious danger of approaching Ranma in his state, Shampoo huffed and drew her second hammer. "I supposing it would take real woman for this, stand back little girls and let Shampoo work."

Akane pouted at the dig, and hoped that Shampoo would get clawed up something fierce as well. Nabiki looked at her. "Aren't you going to go too? He's your boyfriend."

"Hey, she says she has this." Akane retorted.

Turning away from the ravaged tree trunk, Ranma stared at Shampoo and let out a curious chirp. Shampoo hid both her chúi behind her back and smiled to Ranma. "Here kitty, Shampoo wants to pet you."

Warily, Ranma stepped cautiously towards Shampoo, and sniffed the air. Finding her scent curious but pleasant, he crept towards her. She smelled like food, food and a mating female…two things that his feline mind was always in the mood for. He let out a meow, and stopped short of the range of her chúi. Taking both chúi in one hand, Shampoo extended the other for Ranma slowly.

"See? Shampoo not going to hurt cute kitty, just want to pet and give food to, yes?" Shampoo smiled when Ranma stepped closer, and began to sniff her hand before rubbing his face on it. "Good kitty."

With the speed of the Chestnut Training, Shampoo swung both chúi down towards Ranma's head. However, his reflexes were much faster and both weapons were swiftly sliced into long metal coiled threads resembling an intact orange peel. As Shampoo stared down at Ranma, her clothes promptly exploded–everything from her apron to her dress to even her underwear, all victims of Ranma's claws.

Every boy who caught sight of Shampoo's naked body immediately lost consciousness from rapid epistaxis or involuntary orgasm. Akane stared at the now naked delivery girl. "Wow, her ass is pretty much perfect."

"I told you." Nabiki said with a vindicated tone.

"Learn something just now." Shampoo said as she walked back over, not for a moment concerned about her very public nudity. "In cat state, he has no concept of holding back, that too, too dangerous."

Nabiki stared at Shampoo; there wasn't a scratch on her. "How did you avoid that?"

"I move very fast." Shampoo replied.

"Well, that's a bust, now what do we do?" Akane asked, before Genma suddenly arrived on the scene armed with a few cloth bags and a determined look on his face.

"Unfortunately there is next to nothing that can be done. Ranma's acting as a cat so he can avoid the fear associated with them. In this state, it is impossible to snap him from it with words or with violence." He warned as he opened the bags.

Akane looked up at Ranma, now sitting in a tree, meowing at apparently nothing. "So what do we do?"

"The only thing that stopped Ranma when he was in this state was a kindly old woman who let him sleep in her lap." Genma noted as he set up some decency blinds and began to change his clothes.

"I like that this has happened before but you neglected to warn us about it when you regaled us with your story of horrific child abuse." Nabiki noted.

Shampoo then hummed. "So we find an old woman?"

"No, I'll have to do it." The decency blinds came down, revealing Genma dressed as an old woman. The sight was as horrible to everyone as you could imagine. Akane, after a moment, opened her mouth to speak, but couldn't find the words to express herself.

Nabiki then chimed in. "I'm beginning to think you fell into the wrong spring, bastard."

"Get clawed and die you cross-dressing asshole." Shampoo said to the man bluntly.

Genma leaped up into the tree, and on sight, Ranma went into a defensive and very angry posture. It brought some warmth to Akane's heart to see this, and that warmth only grew as she watched Genma inch towards Ranma, trying to coax him to come over, and seeing the younger Saotome grow angrier and more threatening before the tree literally exploded from the speed and violence of his assault.

"That's justice right there." Nabiki said as she raised her fist to Akane, who pounded it with her own.

Genma hit the ground in a broken and mostly flayed heap, before Ranma landed roughly on his back, sinking him into a small crater. He was now staring at Akane, Nabiki, and Shampoo, letting out a low, threatening sound as he stared at them.

"Okay…now what?" Shampoo asked as she wished she had a weapon on hand, though it'd probably do them no good.

Nabiki raised her hands up and slowly backed away with her head bowed. "Keep your heads down and look submissive. If we're not threats then maybe he'll leave us alone."

Ranma had stopped growling, and Shampoo saw why. "Ah, he not hostile anymore…"

Indeed, Ranma had lowered his defensive posture, and was now regarding Akane with familiarity. He let out a chirpy meow, and padded over towards her, sniffing the air. It wasn't her scent he recognized, but rather his scent on her. Nabiki, realizing they had a chance, quickly grabbed Shampoo and dragged her away from Akane.

"This might be our chance!" Shampoo said as Akane looked over to the two retreating girls. She looked back at Ranma, who let out another chirp.

Akane called to him. "Ranma, are you there? Listen, you need to snap out of this, this isn't healthy and you look kind of silly like this…"

Ranma adopted a pouncing stance as she spoke, crouched low and hips shaking as he stared with incredible focus at Akane. Realizing this, Akane froze like prey. He was going to pounce on her, and at this range she probably couldn't even use the Umisenken to defend herself. Ranma paused for only a moment, before he suddenly attacked, leaping onto Akane and bringing her down hard onto her back. Shampoo, Nabiki, and the entire gathered student body froze when the two hit the ground.

"Oh God…" Akane whispered as Ranma stared down at her, before he leaned down and sniffed her face. "Huh?"

Confusion ensued, as everyone stared at the couple. Briefly sniffing her, Ranma pulled away and curled up in her lap, content. Akane was able to sit up, and she stared down at Ranma as he let out a purr-like hum. Confusion became relief, as everyone realized that the situation was now under control, and cheers quickly broke out.

"It figures that he'd recognize the one who has his scent all over her." Nabiki wryly noted. Shampoo just let out an amused sound.

The first to reach Akane's side were Sayuri and Yuka, who knew as well as Nabiki why Ranma would be so friendly to her. The first girl giggled as the second spoke. "I guess as a cat he recognizes you as his mate too, huh?"

Akane blushed as Ranma looked up to her again. "Yuka, don't say that out loud-."

She was cut off when Ranma, in an effort to sniff her face again, brushed his lips to hers. Her wide eyes swiveled from her friends to Ranma, as he flicked his tongue over her parted lips, and a blush bloomed across her entire face. "R-Ranma…?"

It was some idiot in the back of the crowd who shouted it. "Oh my God, Ranma kissed Akane!"

Lowering himself back to her lap, Ranma yawned and decided to have a nap right there, ignoring the commotion erupting around him. Akane couldn't believe it, well she could, but it still shocked her all the same. Ranma had kissed her in public, entirely by accident, but did this crowd like this was that detail necessary? Rather than freak out, Akane smiled and began to pet Ranma's back, if this got him back to normal then she'd bear the embarrassment.

"You idiot…" She whispered as he nuzzled her hand.

* * *

_The New Investigator's Log of Hikaru Gosunkugi, Entry X4: Saotome is some sort of inhuman monster; even his greatest fears are able to become horrifying power. As a cat, he is unstoppable, and his animal instincts drive him to attack without control of his immense destructive ability, it is a miracle that I survived his wrath. However…I fear that my love has not. That monster, in front of the entire school, he…_

Nabiki scooped the weeping youth's book out of his hand and up over her head. Staring now at the hand he had cradled the book in and Nabiki's feet beyond them, Gosunkugi slowly looked up from his supposedly safe hiding place behind the school.

Nabiki smiled down at him, and then stood back to allow him to either rise to his feet and run or recoil into a ball to protect his face. He immediately broke into a run, leaving the corner of the school's exterior and running for the track field, unfortunately Nabiki was a little faster, catching him by the back of his t-shirt collar under his uniform and yanking him back.

"I said not to go anywhere, didn't I?" She said coolly as Gosunkugi continued to try running, tears streaming down his face. "Well, there's nothing you can do now. We're going to have a long overdue conversation, bitch, and you're going to not try to get away."

He turned around and tried to hit her, but without a bludgeoning object and surprise at his disposal his blows were rather ineffective. "Let go! Let me go! Oh for the love of God please! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just wanted…!"

"…Akane to love you?" Nabiki cut him off as she let him go and grabbed him by his jacket from the front. "Please, as if my sister would want anything to do with you."

Gosunkugi tried to kick her, but Nabiki blocked it by raising her leg. In the scuffle that ensued as he tried to break free, she kneed him in the stomach with pretty much all her strength. While nothing compared to her sisters, it was more than enough for Gosunkugi, who collapsed against her, trying to catch the breath knocked out of him.

Nabiki clapped her free hand onto his back, and pulled him into a hug he couldn't escape. "You're nothing but a pathetic coward who couldn't even fight for what you loved even when you had the chance to, more than happy to just sit back and wait for Akane to just fall into your lap if you wished it hard enough."

"N-no, that's not…" Gosunkugi began.

"But Ranma foiled that. Suddenly there was a boy Akane liked, right there in front of her," Nabiki cut him off with, "Sucks, doesn't it? And you were so close too."

She whispered in his ear. "Not really, but you're delusional enough to believe that you were."

Gosunkugi finally caught his breath. "It's not like that! It's not!"

Nabiki raised her brows. "It's not?"

"I…I know I don't have a chance for Akane…I'm a craven coward. I'm not that good looking, nor am I very popular, and people who know about me think I'm just weird!" He began to sob. "I just wanted to admire her from afar!"

"Admire her?" Nabiki asked, pulling back.

"I love Akane, but I know that she'd never love me. All I could do was watch her! I'd never be the man she wanted, even if I tried!" Gosunkugi admitted as Nabiki stared him down. "But then Saotome, he came in and started making her miserable. She couldn't be the Akane I was in love with…"

Nabiki continued to stare. "…So, you tried to keep Ranma from remembering Akane because you wanted her all to yourself, to watch from afar for your enjoyment."

Gosunkugi whimpered before he lashed out. "Yes! Yes that's all I wanted okay? I am a loser, I'm pathetic! I was stupid to even think that there was a chance Akane could love me back! Are you happy?"

She let Gosunkugi go, and collapse to the ground. "Wow Gosunkugi, you were right. I was completely wrong about you."

He looked up at her, and found not anger or sadistic joy, but pure hatred. "You were willing to take away the thing that makes my little sister happiest but wanted to offer absolutely nothing in return. That is completely disgusting."

Gosunkugi's eyes widened, and he tried to back away from her, but he found himself absolutely paralyzed from the glare she was leveling onto him. "I am a lot of things, Hikaru Gosunkugi, and at the top of that list is money-loving bitch in all caps and bright red text, but if there's something that makes Akane genuinely happy, I'll turn a blind eye to it and be the best bitch I can be without completely ruining it for her. That said, if something threatens my little sister's happiness, I will turn all the bitch I have onto it and destroy it until nothing's left. Just like Kasumi, and you saw what happened to Shampoo when she stepped in."

Nabiki cracked her knuckles slowly. She was about to step forward, and describe in intrinsic detail the things she was going to do to him, when she noticed something in the sky above her head. Staring up at it for a moment, her eyes widened just slightly, before she looked down at Gosunkugi. To his amazement, her smile returned.

"Then again," She said cheerfully, "Being merciful has its benefits too. I mean, think of all the karma I'd get for not beating you until you're bleeding from all your sad little orifices. Yes, Gosunkugi, I mean _all_of them."

She hummed as Gosunkugi's fear turned to disbelief. Her smile brightened fantastically. "Yes, I think it's only right to take the high ground on this." Reaching down, she helped Gosunkugi up and began to dust him off. "I'm going to let it go, Gosunkugi-kun. After all, Akane's still with Ranma, I've recovered from my injuries, and everything is fine. Violently wrecking your shit would only be petty of me."

Checking to make sure he was intact, Nabiki turned and began to walk away, leaving him stunned and in total disbelief. "You…you really mean that?"

Nabiki got a distance away from him, and stopped. Without looking back, she answered. "Yes, karma is an amazing thing. It all pays back somehow, even in the tiniest gestures. Oh, on that note? Do look out."

"Look out?" Gosunkugi looked around, what did she mean by look out? When he looked up into the sky, he realized entirely what she was warning him about…far too late.

"That's a boat." It was the last thing he managed to say, before a large tugboat hurtled into him at an extremely high velocity.

The massive explosion of earth and shrapnel that followed rained down around Nabiki without even so much as a speck of dirt even reaching her. Looking back and finding no sign of Gosunkugi and half of a trashed and scorched boat sticking out of the crater, Nabiki smiled broadly.

Akane arrived with Shampoo and Ranma in tow, the former still naked and the latter studiously not looking. Akane spoke. "Nabiki, what was that?"

As Akane trailed off at the sight of the wreckage, Nabiki looked to Ranma. "Hey Ranma, I see you're back to normal."

"Yeah…" Ranma muttered. The shame over his breakdown faded as he too wondered at the wrecked ship miles from any water.

Shampoo recognized the boat. "Hey, isn't that…"

Akane shook her head. "Nabiki, what happened?"

Nabiki turned to Akane. "Well let's just say…"

Nabiki reached into her pocket and pulled out a pair of sunglasses as her cell phone ringtone began to play a 70s rock track. Flicking them open with one hand, she took them in both and slowly brought them up, slipping them on as a dramatic wind began to blow.

"That Gosunkugi's ship just got wrecked." She said.

_"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" _The cell phone exclaimed, before she picked it up and interrupted it.

"Nabiki here, talk to me." She said as she turned and walked away from the others as they stared at the wrecked boat. "Oh! Hello Kuromine-san…yes, where were we?"

* * *

A/N: Your complaints and input were not ignored in the making of this.


	22. The Hierophant's Sunglasses

Disclaimer: Humility and self-loathing are two different things–the author of this story does not possess any of the former.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
The Hierophant's Sunglasses

_This is where things get…Bizarre…_

**[22.]**

The atmosphere at Furinkan High School has changed. Since his cat-induced fit of madness, Ranma couldn't help but notice the air of contempt that seemed to hang over most of his male peers. While he was used to the specter of envy, there was something concentrated in this, despite its continued impotency. He was pretty sure why, even though he didn't remember it all himself. He had kissed Akane, in front of everyone.

Thankfully most of the girls didn't seem to mind this involuntary publicity to their relationship and the more rational boys saw it as nothing worth noting as well. But a large subset of them–especially those who had fought Akane tooth and nail for the right to date her–were making no excuses over their open resentment.

The day after the kiss, for example, Kuno attacked him relentlessly the entire day, calling him an animal. While it was no more effective than his usual attacks, the determination and duration of his repeated assaults, even in the middle of class, was impressive. A few days after that, a protracted smear campaign had everyone who bought it (and there were quite a few) either calling Ranma a predator or pervert for kissing Akane. Even a picture of his kissing Akane while under the effect of his breakdown had begun circling around, with a lengthy caption denouncing him as a girl-hungry animal.

Then, after that, Ranma's locker was bombarded with letters–almost all of them threats from anonymous students threatening him for "Stealing Akane's innocence" or "Ruining her first kiss". Some were even from so-called admirers that sought to drive a wedge between him and Akane by writing suggestive and sometimes explicit confessions, all with the intent for Akane to find. All were fakes of course, with Nabiki stating that no girl in this school was dumb enough to get between Ranma and Akane after the last three who tried were crushed under a steam roller, had their ass kicked all over the Nerima Ward, and were nearly devoured by a crocodile…in that order respectively.

While it was unbelievably pitiful, Ranma thought it was the funniest thing on Earth. Just thinking about the irony made him laugh aloud, like right at this very moment as they were walking to school.

"What's so funny?" Akane asked when she heard him chuckle. They were on their way to school, and Akane was holding his arm for once as they ambled down the street. She had to, there was a bit of a limp in her step.

Ranma looked down at her. "I was just thinking about how everyone's been freaking out about the whole kiss thing. Could you imagine how pissed off they'd be if they found out we've been doing it for the last few months? I mean, imagine if they found out that just this morning we screwed doggy-style in the bathroom?"

Akane laughed at the thought. "I'd like to see the looks on their faces when they hear their innocent and sweet Akane is used goods."

Ranma stuck his nose up at that. "Damn right. You know, maybe we should just tell them."

Akane snorted. "What, and end up married when it gets back to our Dads?"

Resting his hand on the small of Akane's back, he began to rub it. Akane let out a moan and tightened her hug on his arm, pressing her breast against it. "You know," He said, "You're right. Even if we did get married to get them off our backs…"

"They'd start off demanding that we start having kids to train. I still want to go to college, you know." Akane nuzzled his shoulder, when Ranma's lower back rub began to feel really good. "I really love your hands, they're amazing…"

"I know." Ranma was the poster child for humility. He then stopped and frowned when the air became filled with rose petals. "Oh Hell…"

"What?" Akane looked up and saw the petals. "Fuck."

Suddenly Kodachi appeared, knelt before Ranma and Akane before she looked up at the two of them. Seeing both objects of her affection in such proximity immediately stymied the nerve she built to get here, and she flustered up before looking away. Both Ranma and Akane looked at each other, and the latter released the former from her hold.

"What do you want, Kodachi?" She demanded.

Taking several deep breaths to slow her rapidly beating heart, Kodachi calmly turned to face them. "Ranma-sama, Akane-s-an…I have come requesting your assistance. You see, I believe that my brother is possessed."

Both stared at her. "Possessed?"

"Yes, and I need help in ensuring he stays that way." Kodachi continued.

Ranma and Akane continued to stare. "What."

Kodachi turned and began walking to the school. "Come see for yourself."

* * *

Following Kodachi, Ranma and Akane arrived at the school and found exactly what she meant. Kuno–his back to them–was in his school's uniform again, as opposed to his more formal traditional attire, and he was holding his father off the ground by the collar as he smacked him back and forth across the face with his free hand. Why was readily apparent: a female student with very long hair sitting on the ground was watching in amazement, and there were a pair of heavy duty shears at the Principal's feet. Staring, both Ranma and Akane watched as Kuno promptly punted his Father over the top of the school and knelt down to the girl.

"You have my sincerest apologies for that fool's actions." He said to the girl, who was completely taken aback by his cool intervention and rescue of her hair.

"S-Sempai…" The girl barely managed with tears of gratitude. Rising to his feet and helping the girl up in utmost gentlemanly fashion, Kuno handed her books to her and then sent her on her way. It was then that they could see he was wearing those cool sunglasses again.

Ranma and Akane looked to Kodachi, before the former spoke. "We've seen this before."

The latter added. "He's been acting like this again?"

"Yes. The last time he exhibited this strange behavior, he had discarded his shrines to you and the pigtailed girl. However, the possession appeared to wear off and he then went on a tirade in search of them like he had forgotten." Kodachi explained. "After purchasing new material to make even larger shrines in yours and her honor, he fell under the possession again and torched it all with the burnable trash this morning."

Akane nodded before she presented an observation. "That's about right. The last time he was 'possessed' he didn't seem the slightest interested in me."

"He was downright cordial to me." Ranma replied.

"That is strange then." Kodachi said. "For as broad and deep is his love for Akane and the pigtailed girl, so is his hatred for you Ranma-sama."

Ranma snorted. "Truly I never would've known until now."

"Don't be mean." Akane snapped at him before addressing Kodachi. She had her suspicions as to the cause of his behavior, but she honestly didn't want to believe it something so simple. "Kodachi, when he started acting strangely, was he wearing those sunglasses?"

Kodachi turned from observing her brother as she recalled the previous incidence. "Why…yes, now that you mention it, he was wearing those handsome sunglasses last time, and when he threw his rampage, he was without them."

"Wait…the _sunglasses _are literally making him cool?" Ranma asked. He turned into a girl at the drop of a bucket; something like this was banal in comparison and entirely probable. What surprised him, however, was that there was something weird going on that seemed good for once!

"Why don't we put it to the test?" Akane got up and walked over towards Kuno, and Ranma got up and followed. "Hey, Kuno-sempai!"

Looking over, Kuno nodded to both. "Good morning, Akane-san, Saotome."

"Morning, Kuno." Ranma replied.

"Sorry to bother you, but I need to test something out." Akane said as she reached him.

Kuno let out a curious hum. "What sort of test?"

Before he could react, Akane removed the sunglasses from Kuno's face and hid them behind her back. If her hypothesis was correct, then removing Kuno's glasses would–.

"DIE YOU BEAST!"

Ranma hopped backward to escape the wild flailing from Kuno's bokken, which seemed to materialize out of thin air. "Whoa! What the Hell?"

He swung again, but surprise was no longer in his favor. Ranma dealt with him as one would an annoying fly, and Kuno was left sprawled on the ground. Akane examined the sunglasses and then looked over to Ranma, and then Kuno. "I don't want to believe this."

"Saotome…animal…" Kuno slurred, his voice dripping with incoherent rage, as he slowly rose to his feet again despite the swift blows Ranma dealt him.

Taking the sunglasses from Akane quickly, Ranma slipped them onto Kuno's face in the same motion and stepped back. The change was instant. Kuno dusted himself off and coughed. "You really shouldn't remove the sunglasses; I can't think clearly without them."

"He's aware?" Akane was completely dumbstruck.

"Why would I not be? I figured out the benefit of the sunglasses after I found them again this morning and put them back on." Kuno replied. "It is strange in that I cannot seem to remember their effect after they come off."

Ranma let out a laugh. "The sunglasses just make you that smarter."

Kuno adjusted the sunglasses. "Clearly they must be cursed or imbued with some supernatural effect, however can one call the improvement of mental faculty and the submission of detrimental impulse a curse?"

Akane looked from Kuno to Ranma and back. "Whatever the case, we must make sure nothing happens to these sunglasses."

"Yes." Ranma said as he imagined all the benefits of knowing a sane Kuno.

Kuno nodded sagely. "Quite."

Kodachi walked over to the group, looking hopeful. "You'll really help keep these sunglasses on my brother's face?"

Akane nodded. "Yes, I like him like this, Ranma likes him like this. It is for the good of everything that he _stays_like this."

"Yes, the fewer weak idiots I have to deal with, the better." Ranma added.

"Hey." Kuno snapped.

* * *

That afternoon at lunch, Shampoo arrived to perform her usual deliveries to the hungry students who opted to order out, but this time she brought Cologne in tow. Ranma had called the old woman over to discuss Kuno's sunglasses and their odd ability, which brought him, Akane, Kuno, and Nabiki all to the commissary where Cologne gave the sunglasses a closer look…while they still remained on Kuno's face of course.

"Hmm…I see now, very interesting." Cologne tapped on the lens. "These are very rare indeed…ruby-quartz."

"So what are they?" Akane asked as Nabiki leaned over to look at the sunglasses.

Cologne produced a book entitled "Modern Myths and Legends" and flipped through the pages. "Well I'll be, these appear to be The Hierophant's Sunglasses. A fairly recent artifact created in within the last twenty-five years."

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "What the heck is a Hierophant?"

"A Hierophant is a person who brings religious congregants into the presence of that which is holy." Nabiki reached into her book bag and pulled out a tarot card. "It's also one of the Major Arcana."

Akane stared at the card. "I didn't know you were into that sort of thing, Nabiki."

"Meh, do you know how much people will pay for a bullshit fortune reading?" Nabiki retorted.

Ranma nodded. "So they're the sunglasses of some holy guy?"

"Not precisely, according to the legend the sunglasses were a gift to a young student who died while on a crusade to the East. With his death, the sunglasses he wore took on his strongest qualities exhibited in his final moments, to be passed on to whoever wore them." Cologne tapped on the sunglasses. "They are a unique item, blessed rather than cursed. However, they only display their noble quality when worn."

"Which is why Kuno went full moron when he took them off?" Ranma noted.

Cologne nodded. "Precisely, they're ultimately beneficial to those who wear them." She turned to Kuno. "So you should do all that you can to keep them on, young man."

At that moment, Principal Kuno plucked the sunglasses off his son's face. "I'll be confiscating these. Da dress code says no sunglasses, ever."

Akane kicked Principal Kuno in the face. "Then how about taking yours off, moron?"

Principal Kuno, sunglasses in hand, went out the commissary window, shattering it in his flight. Akane set her feet down on the floor and stood up. "Oops."

"Damn it Akane!" Ranma and Nabiki yelled together, before Kuno attempted to smite Ranma with another bokken.

"For taking the lips of Akane, and sullying her untouched virtue, I shall strike you down!" He roared as he swung at him again. Ranma dropped him like a bad habit, upper-cutting him into the ceiling and letting him drop down and through the table they had been seated at.

"Sorry about that, man." Ranma said as he jumped out the window and after the Principal, who had gotten up and was running for his life. "Damn it, get back here you moron!"

"No way, keiki, I'm gonna be destroyin' these cool shades to teach ya a lesson!" Principal Kuno taunted back. Ranma let out a frustrated sound, overtook Principal Kuno with a single leap, turned around, and kicked him in the chin with all his might.

"THE HELL YOU ARE!" He yelled as Principal Kuno achieved liftoff, with sunglasses still in hand. "Oh God Damn it!"

Principal Kuno was in a ballistic arc over the school, seeing this, Ranma broke into a run, reaching the side of the building before running up it and vaulting over the ledge to the roof. Seeing Principal Kuno falling towards the ground, Ranma leaped into the air.

"Give back those sunglasses!" He yelled as the kicked the principal higher into the air in a zigzag pattern. Grabbing the sunglasses from him, Ranma kicked him like a missile into the concrete sidewalk leading to the front doors of the school, with enough force to cause an explosion on impact. Ranma landed in front of it, arms folded across his chest.

Ranma tossed the sunglasses to himself, and laughed. "That was easy."

He looked at the sunglasses and saw they were not the Hierophant's Sunglasses, but rather the Principal's corny pair. "FFFFFFFFFF…"

Turning around, he found Principal Kuno kowtowed before him, sobbing into the ground. "…FFFFFF–huh?"

"Saotome-san, please forgive me…" He said in a genuinely remorseful tone, his horrible attempt at a Hawaiian Accent gone. "…I have been nothing but a menace to you and these students since my arrival here. Only now, can I truly reflect on my transgressions…oh God…this is exactly how I drove my wife away!"

He was wearing the sunglasses. Ranma was dumbstruck. "Well…wow…um…"

Principal Kuno rose up. "It is too late for me, Saotome-san. But please, ensure that my son keeps these sunglasses. Also, there is a book in my new secret office, which is located under the gymnasium equipment shed, it possesses all my plans and plots for my latest pranks and mischief as well as how to defuse them. It's hidden behind the second Tiki Mask on my wall, just next to the palm tree. Use it against me, as you see fit."

"Wow…thanks…" Ranma was unsure how to take this.

"Now then, remove the sunglasses and hit me as far as you can away from the school, so you may have time to act!" Principal Kuno ordered.

"Okay!" Ranma removed the sunglasses, and Principal Kuno was punted to the other side of Tokyo. As the sonic boom of his ascent sounded, Ranma chuckled. "Somebody in Minato is going to have a bad day."

Shampoo exploded through a wall and landed next to Ranma. "You get sunglasses, yes?"

Ranma held them up. "They're safe and undamaged."

A grappling hook promptly plucked them from his fingers, and a piece of Ranma died on the inside. Looking up, he and Shampoo found Mousse sitting on a tree branch, examining the sunglasses. "So, these are the troublemaking shades that turn Kuno into a friend."

"Mousse, give those to me intact or I will kill you." Shampoo mustered all of the Japanese she studied at night-school to convey her demand properly,

Mousse hummed and took the sunglasses in both hands to snap them in half. "No."

Ranma, moving possibly faster than he ever had in his life at that very moment, punched Mousse with all his strength while simultaneously relieving him of the sunglasses. The top of the tree was blown off, and the windows in the front of the school shattered from the shockwave. Panting heavily, he lowered his fist and looked down to Shampoo, who held up a V-sign.

"Yes!" Ranma hopped down from the tree and landed next to Shampoo. "Come on; let's get these on Kuno before something even stupider–." Shampoo rested two fingers on his lips.

"That just now, was you asking for it. Do not do that again." Shampoo turned around. "Let's go."

Together, Ranma and Shampoo entered the school and headed straight for the Commissary. As they rounded the corner, however, Kuno was charging straight for them with bokken in hand. "This time, I shall strike you down like the beast that you are, FOR AKANE!"

Ranma slipped the sunglasses on his face as he walked by Kuno. "There you go Kuno."

Kuno staggered to a halt, his composure returned. "Ah…thank you, Saotome. I am in your debt."

Nabiki and Akane quickly caught up with everyone, and the latter spoke. "Oh thank God, you got them back on."

"Now we just need to figure a way to keep them on before something even stupider happens…" Nabiki trailed off when she saw Ranma and Shampoo's horrified expressions. "…What?" She then realized what she did. "Oh damn it."

"The universe tries to take a shit on us in three…two…one…" Shampoo then grabbed Kuno and yanked him out of the way of a string of weights flung by Mousse for Kuno's face in an attempt to smash the sunglasses. They went on to hit Ranma and send him tumbling down the hall.

"I really hate how genre savvy you've become, Shampoo." Mousse muttered as he dropped the chains the weights were connected to.

"Mousse, you're violating the peace treaty!" Shampoo noted in Chinese.

"I never signed it." Mousse quickly fired back as he readied a new attack. "So I'm exempt."

Shampoo growled, before addressing him in Chinese again. "Then why are you doing this?"

"I hate Ranma, that's all the reason I need." Mousse retorted.

"Yes, but why do you hate him?" Shampoo snapped in Japanese, she was getting angrier.

"I don't like his face." Mousse flatly responded. Akane had slipped around behind Mousse undetected as he spoke and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Oh dear." He said before she lifted him into a text-book German Suplex that shattered the hallway floor from one end of the building to the other.

Getting up, Akane dusted herself off and smoothed out her skirt. "Yeah, well I hate yours, asshole."

Kuno, Nabiki, Shampoo, and Ranma all golf-clapped Akane's skillful maneuver. Akane took a graceful bow, before pulling out a staple gun. "Hold Kuno down, so I can staple those damn shades to his head!"

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Ranma got between Akane and Kuno. "Let's be reasonable about this, okay?"

"Yes, you might damage the sunglasses." Nabiki said.

Kuno frowned. "It's nice to know where your priorities lie."

Mousse then raised his hand and spoke in a voice muffled by concrete and blood. "You know, Nabiki, if you go along with this Kuno won't be the cash cow he's always been."

Nabiki froze. "Oh my God, he's right."

Shampoo then turned to Nabiki. "Swear to whatever Gods you worship, if you sell out now, I will violate the treaty to violate you."

"I'll allow it, too." Akane said. "I might even join in."

Mousse gave a thumb's up. "Kinky."

Ranma stomped him a little deeper into the hole. "Shut up."

Clearly this was a crisis of conscience versus financial gain, and currently Nabiki's conscience–well overexerted by stepping up for Akane in recent months–was not up to task in the face of losing her highest paying customer. She looked at Kuno and his sunglasses, and then at three of Nerima's strongest fighters, all ready and willing to do horrible things to her if she made a move towards the former. In the end, Self-Preservation immediately stepped in, and pulled her conscience from the line of fire.

"Nope, I'm not that stupid." Nabiki announced.

"She really is the smart one of the family." Shampoo said, prompting Akane to pop her in the back of the head.

A smoke bomb then landed among the group and exploded. In the confusion that followed, Kuno called out. "Where is that devil Saotome? Come forth you rapist!"

"Oh come on." Ranma groaned as the smoke cleared, revealing Kuno, sans sunglasses. He was immediately attacked Ranma, and was put through a wall. "Now who took them?"

Shampoo looked around. "Shampoo did not see, the smoke was too thick."

Nabiki mentally ticked off the list of people stupid enough to step in like this, and sighed. "How the Hell does someone recover so fast from being hit by a tugboat falling from orbit?"

* * *

Hidden in the one place he figured no one would ever expect to find him, Gosunkugi cowered in a locker, holding to his chest the sunglasses he pilfered off Kuno's face as he rapidly dialed out on his cell phone. Holding it up to his ear, he gulped as a voice answered on the other end of the line.

"What is it, Gosunkugi?" Kaori asked. "I thought I told you not to call me, that I would call you if you were needed."

Not that she'd ever need him again, the little toad had long outlived his usefulness after the disaster involving those foreigners.

"It's important; can you send your Ninja? I have something that I can't let Ranma have!" He quickly replied. "Really important, they're these sunglasses that make Kuno smart! He doesn't even bother Ranma when he has them on!"

On the other end of the line, Kaori sat up from the luxurious bath she was enjoying. "The Hierophant's Sunglasses…how the Hell did Kuno get a hold of them?" She then remembered the takeout race. "…I hate you, Nabiki Tendo."

"Yes, she's a colossal bitch. Now send your Ninja before they find me and kill me!" Gosunkugi cried in a panic. He clapped his hand over his mouth when he heard voices outside the locker. Standing up, he peered through the slits, and went wide-eyed when he found that his hiding location, the girl's locker room, was full of girls fresh out of gym and changing for the showers.

"Oh God I'm so dead." He squeaked.

"No, you're not. My Ninja is already there; if you are really in danger then she'll step in and assist you." Kaori assured him. "Now don't call me again, I'll call you."

The call ended, and Gosunkugi pocketed the phone. He needed to get a hold of himself, before he panicked too much and gave himself away. His attention turned to his sunglasses, try as he could during his flight, he couldn't seem to break them. All he needed to do was hold out until that Ninja showed up and then he'd be fine.

Ranma-chan opened the locker door, and stared down at him. "Mighty stupid of you to think you could hide in here."

Gosunkugi stared up at Ranma, his ringed eyes widening with terror as Ranma took a deep breath.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA! THERE'S A PERVERT IN THE LOCKER ROOM!" She screamed at the top of her lungs while pointing at Gosunkugi.

Instantly, every girl in the room was armed with a weapon of some manner, as Ranma swiftly took the sunglasses from Gosunkugi and allowed the girls to set upon him like a swarm of underwear wearing Africanized bees. Making her way to the back of the melee, Ranma stopped and looked back before letting out a chuckle.

"Today is turning out better than I expected." She said before a bucked of hot water splashed her into him. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

He turned to find that red-clad Ninja tossing a bucket aside and leaning against the wall, a smug look in her eyes as she folded her arms. "Fuck!"

"There's another pervert!" That Ninja called out, prompting the girls not beating the crap out of Gosunkugi to turn their attention to Ranma.

Then, the strangest thing happened. One of the girls said. "Huh? Oh that's just Ranma, he's cool."

That Ninja fell over onto her face, and then got up. "What."

"Yeah, we're totally fine with him being in here." Another girl said suggestively. This…was as much news to Ranma as it was to the Ninja and the somehow still conscious Gosunkugi.

"I hate your life, Ranma Saotome…" Gosunkugi moaned before a girl stomped him in the mouth.

"Huh…well, I'll just be on my way." Ranma said as he walked out.

"Come back anytime, Ranma~!" The girls called after him as he walked out of the locker room. His ego swollen to new heights, Ranma wore a big old smirk when he reached Nabiki, Akane, and Shampoo.

"I got the sunglasses." He declared proudly.

"Did you enjoy the view?" Akane asked sardonically.

Ranma stopped, realized that Akane was going to hit him if he gave the wrong answer, and then smiled. "Nah, it was okay and all but your view's the best."

"Good boy." Akane patted him on the head. Nabiki wiped a tear from her eye with a tissue offered by Shampoo. Her little sister had her man trained!

At that moment the doors to the locker room were blown off their hinges and that Ninja attacked, her sword aimed straight for Ranma's heart, only to miss as he vaulted over her. "Whoop, no you don't."

"You're that Ninja!" Shampoo shouted as she immediately attacked her, drawing a knife from a holster on her thigh. Her swing was blocked by the sword, before Akane dropped a kick into her neck.

The crumpled Ninja turned into a log, as she reappeared a distance away with her sword ready. She looked at the three and snorted. "Three to one odds, that's no good."

"Okay, I'm confused. Why is she getting involved in this now?" Akane asked as she got ready.

Shampoo shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe we should ask after we break her limbs."

The Ninja suddenly attacked, splitting into four as they rushed down the hall, each copy taking a wall and the ceiling as they approached. The Ninja on the left side leaped off and attacked Shampoo with a barrage of sword swings that the equally fast Shampoo evaded before she kicked her attacker in the face and stabbed her in the chest with the knife.

Akane's attacker came down from the ceiling, attempting to stab her through the face with her blade, which was quickly sliced to pieces by the Praying Mantis Glass Cutting technique…along with the clone itself.

Behind her, Nabiki narrowly ducked a swing from the right-side attacking Ninja, before Ranma smashed her in the face with the back of his fist. When the Ninja attacking from the floor followed up the attack, Ranma easily swiped her sword from her hand before head-butting her and dropping her onto her back.

All four Ninja clones transformed to logs, all with time bombs wrapped around them, and each timer at three seconds. Ranma stared at the explosives. "I hate that Ninja."

The explosion that followed blew a sizeable portion out of the wall, and shook the entire school. Outside the school, that pesky Ninja landed on the grass as she watched with satisfaction the smoke rise from the building. Mousse joined her.

"Hey, you can't just go around killing them." Mousse admonished.

"As if I could kill them with such a weak attack…" The Ninja growled. Indeed, for back inside, Ranma, Akane, Shampoo, and Nabiki had safely escaped the blast radius with a second to spare. "My real target was those sunglasses. There's no way they could've survived the blast."

Shampoo opened her top and then reached in her cleavage to pull out the undamaged sunglasses. She handed them to Ranma. "Here you go."

"You'd better keep them there, no telling what'll happen next today. All of this to keep Kuno sane." Ranma however knew that this was worth it; there was no greater cause.

Nabiki looked around. "Say, where is Kuno anyway?"

"Since you asked, he's bound to appear any second now." Akane looked around immediately and let a few seconds pass. "Okay, we're good."

Kuno immediately fell upon Ranma like a vengeful spirit, and clocked him on the head with a bokken. "I STRIKE!"

Ranma heaved an annoyed sigh. "Man, your hits don't even hurt anymore, Kuno."

Shampoo grumbled. "That because I blocked it for you, moron!" She was standing behind Ranma, her hands clapped around the bokken, having taken a lot of the momentum out of his swing.

Nabiki then sighed. "Okay, time out everybody!"

She reached up and grabbed Kuno by the ear. "This is getting entirely too silly. I just had the perfect idea to get Kuno to wear the sunglasses and get all the idiots out of our hair. Ranma, Akane, meet me outside in exactly twenty minutes. Shampoo, you get the old bag and come with me."

"What are you talking about? Unhand me, Tendo! I must avenge Akane!" Kuno growled.

"But before any of that, Ranma? Punch him." Nabiki directed. Ranma quickly knocked Kuno out with a swift hit. "Thank you. Now, let's go."

She dragged Kuno away, with Shampoo following. Ranma and Akane looked to one another, and wondered what she had in mind. Still, they had twenty minutes to kill, didn't they? He looked to Akane. "Quick, let's get to the Principal's Office."

"Why?" Akane asked.

"I'll explain along the way." And they were off.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Kuno awoke, and found he was sitting in the gymnasium, which had since had its floor repaired after the rampage Ranma unleashed. In front of him stood the two vilest women in his life, Nabiki and Shampoo, the latter dressed in a black bra and miniskirt with a thick dog collar around her neck, while the former–holding Shampoo's leash–was even bolder with a sheer teddy save for where decency mattered and a long black skirt that barely hung onto her hips. There they were, in all of their lustful glory, in every way of the word the foul temptresses he knew them to be.

"Oh, Shampoo…it looks like our champion has awoken." Nabiki said in a sultry tone to her cohort. Regarding Kuno with a smoldering look, Shampoo let out a soft, throaty purr.

"May I play with him, mistress?" She asked. Nabiki tugged on the leash, reining her back.

"Heavens no…" Nabiki teased. It was at this moment that Kuno realized he was bound to the base of a basketball hoop, helpless if either of the women did decide to "play" with him, whatever that entailed.

"What are you harlots up to? Whatever you attempt, know that I, The Sword That Will Pierce the Heavens, Tatewaki Kuno, will not give in to your temptation. My virtue is reserved only for Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed Girl! I shall not sully myself with you!"

Nabiki grinned. "Is that so, well, what if we were to–I don't know–sully _them_?"

Kuno gasped as Shampoo and Nabiki presented to Kuno Akane and Ranma, again female, dressed in pure white, extremely modest kimonos, a stark contrast to the provocative wear of their captors. Their eyes shimmering with unshed tears, they immediately began calling out.

"Save us, Kuno-sama!" Akane cried.

"You're our only hope, we need you!" Ranma added.

Kuno was furious, as he saw their desperation and fear. "Unhand those maidens, you whores! If you dare to harm a lovely hair on their heads, I shall hunt you to the ends of the Earth!"

Shampoo broke character to mutter an aside to Nabiki. "He talks like this all the time. What the fuck?"

"All the more imperative this works." Nabiki responded before she resumed her character. "Oh, don't make me laugh more than I already have. Regardless of how fearsome you may be, and you very much are, you are still helpless to my sorcery."

Kuno's fury reached a climax, as he wrestled with his bonds. "We shall see…harlot!"

With a mighty roar, he broke free of the ropes and stood up. Though you may be of the fairer sex, I will show no mercy for you! Beware, for I attack!"

"Kuno-sama!" Akane and Ranma cheered together. Nabiki unhooked Shampoo's leash.

"Get your exceptional ass in there, and show him his place." Shampoo did just that, closing the distance between her and Kuno and punching him in the stomach. As he doubled over, she laid him out with a kick before hopping back in a ready stance.

"Oh no!" Akane cried out.

"Kuno-sama, please get back up!" Ranma sobbed. "They're going to do unspeakable things to us!"

Rising to his feet, Kuno searched around, and immediately spotted a bokken. His eyes darted back to Shampoo, who smiled wryly and nodded. "Go ahead, I hate killing an unarmed man."

Like lightning, he leaped to his sword and grabbed it, just as Shampoo fell on him. She swung a punch at him, and the hit was blocked by the wooden sword. "Not this time!"

Shampoo quickly jumped back, avoiding the barrage of wild blows that Kuno unleashed before she landed in front of Nabiki again. Assuming his traditional striking stance, Kuno charged Shampoo. "I will let no barrier stand between my maidens and I!"

Every swing Shampoo evaded like they were nothing. She ducked under a horizontal stroke, rolled out of the way of a vertical blow, and then vaulted over Kuno and another slice aimed for her neck. Spinning through the air gracefully, she landed and beckoned for Kuno to continue.

"Come at me bro." She requested. Nabiki quickly stepped back as Kuno charged again, flailing like a desperate fool at his last stand. Shampoo gladly led him along, dodging his furious strikes while she remained cool and collected–amused even by his vain efforts. Watching, Akane's eyes widened when she realized they were dancing in a tightening spiral, Kuno following like a sap.

"Those movements…" She remembered them, and growled as she watched every step closely.

Ranma looked over to Akane. "Eh?"

Shampoo jumped back a final time, and smiled as Kuno, burning with rage, raised his sword. "This is it, no more of your dancing!"

He swung his sword, and cut through the rapidly fading image of Shampoo as she crouched down. His eyes shot wide when he saw her fist come up to meet his chin, but the blow never came…for a throwing knife cut between them, forcing Shampoo to leap back.

"Wait!" Cologne called from the stands above the gym floor. "Young man, I see that you are at a disadvantage! Had I been a second longer, I would have been too late!"

Nabiki hissed. "You dare meddle in my affairs again, Priestess?"

Kuno looked over to Cologne. "Wise old woman, why do you interfere?"

"I too am an enemy of this woman, a heartless witch in the thrall of the foul Sorcerer Ranma Saotome." Cologne declared. "When I heard that a noble Samurai was doing battle with her, I rushed to aid you."

Kuno's fury burned anew. "So…Ranma Saotome is behind this? I should have known!"

"Yes! However, while your will is unbendable, your courage burning, and your blade sharp…you lack the final piece!" Cologne then produced the Hierophant's Sunglasses. "Take these and don them, for the Wisdom of the Ages lies behind those lenses!"

She threw them to Kuno, who caught them in hand. "These sunglasses hold the key to defeating Saotome! I shall not fail you, wise old woman!"

Before he could put them on, Nabiki let out a laugh that Kodachi would be proud of. "Do you honestly believe that? At what price does the Wisdom of the Ages come?"

Kuno looked at the sunglasses, then to Nabiki. "Do not feed me your lies, witch. At any cost, I shall defeat you!"

"Even if the price tag is your sanity…your soul, you'll wear them?" Nabiki asked.

Ranma was horrified. "W-what is she doing?"

"Nabiki…" Akane growled, knowing full well how superstitious Kuno could be. If she laid it on too thickly, there was no telling what could happen. He could pull some "I don't need the Wisdom of the Ages" bullshit and not even consider putting them on…or worse…

Kuno looked at the sunglasses, and then to Nabiki, as Shampoo joined her side. She too was tense, as she waited for his reaction. Gripping the sunglasses in hand, Kuno looked past the two witches to Akane and his Pigtailed Girl, and opened them. "For Akane and the Pigtailed Girl, I'd gladly sell my soul."

Nabiki smirked. "Just like everything else."

Kuno put them on, and he immediately let out a sigh. "That was dangerous; I had honestly considered shattering them!"

"Shampoo taught me how to gamble." Nabiki replied. Shampoo smirked at that.

Ranma and Akane broke free of their bonds and stood up. Cologne hopped down, pouring a glass of warm water on Ranma as she fell. "Oh my, it's been years since I've had that sort of fun."

Ranma took off his kimono, revealing his school uniform underneath. "You played the part of the wise old woman well, boss."

"Act to your strengths, boy." Cologne replied.

Akane then spoke up. "I don't get it though. Why go through all of this, it was fun and all, but we could've done the same thing without the big act or the dressing up." She stared at Shampoo and Nabiki. "…Especially without the dressing up."

"You just jealous because you not look as good in this." Shampoo thrust her chest out, and both Ranma and Kuno stared. Akane hit Ranma.

Kuno adjusted his sunglasses. "Yes, your outfits are very nice, but I have to agree with Akane-san. What was the point?"

"Statistically speaking," Raising her finger, Nabiki explained, "The run of bad luck that we have endured as a collective whole throughout our years could only be justified if one or all of us possessed Imagine Breaker from A Certain Magical Index. That said, and taking into considerations the insanity that ensued today, I am one hundred percent certain that something incredibly stupid is going to happen in the next thirty seconds that will have made everything we've just done justified."

Everyone stared at Nabiki. Akane huffed. "Index, really? Jesus Nabiki, you are so mainstream."

"I like it, it's a good series!" Nabiki argued.

"Next you're going to tell me you like Oreimo." Nabiki flushed. "Really, come on."

"Better than the hipster garbage you read." Shampoo muttered.

Akane turned to glare at Shampoo. "Liking obscure works and those that have stood the test of time isn't a bad thing! I mean, everyone loves Gundam!"

"You mean nerds love Gundam." Shampoo replied. "Hipsters too."

"Stop calling me a Hipster, you shouldn't even know what that means!" Akane yelled at Shampoo before a bunch of kunai with C4 wrapped around the ends embedded into the ground around the group. She looked to Nabiki, who was checking her watch.

"Twenty-eight seconds." Nabiki announced, before the bombs exploded.

Up in the rafters, Mousse looked to The Ninja. "I really need to talk to your mistress about taking away your explosives privileges."

"I've certainly destroyed those sunglasses this time. The Ninja replied, before she looked down and found that Kuno was lying atop Shampoo, his face nestled between her breasts that again protected the sunglasses from the explosion. "…Son of a bitch."

* * *

Kuno sat up, the sunglasses remaining on Shampoo's chest, and he looked around. Ranma appeared to be out, having taken the brunt of the blast for Nabiki, who was likewise unconscious and against the wall, Akane was face down in a corner, and mumbling obscenities, while Cologne was entirely unharmed by the explosion.

"The battle, it was truly fearsome." He said in awe, before he realized that it was Ranma that was slumped atop Nabiki, not the Pigtailed Girl. "Even the Sorcerer was defeated?"

He reached for the sunglasses, and picked them up. "Truly, these Sunglasses do possess the Wisdom of the Ages!

Mousse and the Ninja landed in front of him. Mousse called out. "My Lord, please go no further!"

"Yes, my Lord! Look about you carefully! Not even Akane was spared from your uncontrollable might!" The Ninja added. "Worse, your Pigtailed Goddess…"

Kuno looked around, and realized there was no sign of her. "The Pigtailed Girl, what has become of her?"

Both Mousse and the Ninja looked away grimly. Kuno turned his attention to the sunglasses, horrified. "No…the Wisdom of the Ages…"

He turned to Cologne. "Wise old woman, have you betrayed me?"

"Heavens no." Cologne retorted.

Akane then looked up. "Kuno-sama…your vassals…traitors…" She pointed, in pain, at Mousse and the Ninja. "…They attacked us as you struck the final blow…"

Kuno whirled to face Akane. "Akane, try not to move!"

"They seek your…" She lowered her head again. "…Wisdom…"

It was at that moment Cologne swiftly blocked The Ninja's lunge for the sunglasses, surprising her. Mousse immediately launched a chain with precision for Kuno's hand, but another swiftly thrown knife knocked it aside, and Kuno was able to evade it.

His wrath burned anew, he turned his attention back to Mousse and the Ninja. "I see now, you were with the enemy all along! For this treason, I shall not forgive you!"

Nabiki cracked one eye open and grinned as Kuno put the sunglasses back on. "I love it when a plan comes together."

"Cologne-dono, please stand aside." Kuno said as he readied his bokken. "I will dispatch these miscreants."

Cologne looked back to Kuno, and then nodded before hopping away from the two, leaving Kuno at their mercy. Akane, who had been faking her injuries, looked up. Wait, this wasn't good. "Kuno's no good against them…"

Mousse laughed. "Come now, Kuno the Digger, merely hold still so we can get those awful sunglasses off your face. Then everything will go back to the way it should be."

Immediately, Mousse charged, drawing a mace from his sleeves and swinging it with blinding speed for Kuno's face. The mace hit, however, Kuno's afterimage. "What the…?"

"You forget…" Mousse's eyes widened behind his glasses as Kuno spoke directly behind him. "…I was able to beat Ranma's best time by one second."

Mousse was struck by Kuno's bokken, and launched into and through the Gymnasium's wall. Akane sat up at that, in complete disbelief. That was right, back when they were training to defeat Shampoo; Kuno did manage to beat Ranma's old hundred meter dash record.

The Ninja drew her blade, and stared at Kuno in the same disbelief. "This is the same idiot? There's no way, how?"

"It's all in focus." Kuno replied as he adjusted his sunglasses. "A martial artist can be of terrible strength, but without the discipline and focus needed to control that strength, he is but a flailing fool absorbed in his own delusions of power."

He pointed his sword to the ceiling. "You are not facing a fool, a rising star or a Blue Thunder. Cast aside the labels and monikers that I have spouted before senselessly!"

He swung it down and pointed it at The Ninja, a dramatic whirlwind forming around him from his outburst of inner strength. "I am only Tatewaki Kuno, the man who will defeat you!"

Looking towards the sizable hole made by Mousse, The Ninja huffed and sheathed her sword. "I've invested too much of my strength in a fool's errand."

A thrown smoke-bomb later, and she was gone. Turning to where he ejected Mousse, he saw her pick him up and then vanish. Resting his bokken against his shoulder, he sneered. "Cowards."

He turned back to find everyone else on their feet and dusting themselves off. "Oh excellent, you're all unharmed."

"My ears are still ringing." Nabiki said, before Akane ran over.

"That was amazing! You one-shot Mousse like he was a joke!" Akane said excitedly.

"Don't let his shit fool you, he is a joke." Shampoo said, before she gave Kuno an appraising look. That was more like the Kuno she saw back in their climatic battle, she liked that Kuno. She turned and headed for the doors. "Shampoo going to change before boobs pop out, see you."

Nabiki looked down at her messed up digs. "Yeah, I'd better change too. Good thing I got this shit out of the bargain bin."

Resting his arm across Akane's shoulders, Ranma sighed. "Today's been phenomenally stupid."

"Yes, yes it has." Akane replied as she leaned against him, exhausted. "Can we go to the Buffet, then, and then straight home?"

"I am famished." Ranma looked to Kuno, who was bowing and thanking Cologne. "Hey, sempai, wanna come have lunch with us?"

Kuno looked over to the two, and then smiled. "I would be honored to accompany you, Saotome. I feel there is a great deal of getting off on the wrong foot we have to make up for."

Ranma and Akane smiled back. They were still smiling when Principal Kuno plucked the sunglasses off Kuno's head, and then fitted them onto a pineapple. They swiftly stopped when he let out a laugh. "Ah, ah, ah, keiki, you know da rules."

Both looked at the pineapple, and both felt horror and dread that surpassed all others.

_"No."_

Ranma didn't remember telling himself to start running straight for the Principal, as Akane deflected Kuno and his foolish attempt at embracing her in relief.

_"No."_

Smoke began to fire from the bottom of the pineapple; Ranma was already in mid-air for it.

_"No."_

The pineapple rocket leaped from Principal Kuno's hand, and with its sunglasses payload it flew out the window of the gymnasium…before exploding violently.

_"No."_

Ranma, stumbled to his feet as he heard the deafening blast, and turned to Principal Kuno, who was wearing an enormous grin on his heavily tanned face.

"Problem, keiki?"

* * *

Ranma had blacked out; he didn't remember much of what happened, but when he came to there were emergency personnel everywhere and people saying that Principal Kuno was lucky to survive being mauled by a Polar Bear, Siberian Tiger, African Elephant, and the entire defensive line of the Pittsburgh Steelers high on methamphetamines. Joined by Akane, and an equally shell-shocked Nabiki and Shampoo, the group left the school grounds and began walking aimlessly home.

"All of that work." Nabiki said in a soft voice. "All of that effort I actually put into intervening on your problems…and I get nothing. Nothing out of it, not even the satisfaction that my cash cow is still intact. This is what defeat feels like, I fucking hate this. How do you put up with it?"

Ranma said nothing, just continued to stare ahead. Shampoo sighed. "Was looking forward to sparring with smart Kuno, Shampoo really was."

"It's just not fair." Nabiki said before she looked skyward. "I did everything right, God. Come on…I didn't even hurt that Gosunkugi fucker! Is this what I get for doing your work? What more do you want?"

"Brother!" All four looked back when they heard Kodachi bound over to her brother, who was still moping over the apparent loss of the Pigtailed Girl. Akane sighed heavily.

"The worst part is, we failed her." Akane said. "The one time that she came to us with a request from the heart, we completely let her down."

"Yeah." Ranma said as Kodachi smiled to Kuno.

"Kodachi, what solace could you possibly bring me? My beloved Pigtailed Girl, she is lost forever." Tatewaki looked down at the ground, unable to bring himself to even cry. Kodachi, still smiling, reached into her hand bag and handed him something. When they saw it, Ranma, Akane, Shampoo, and Nabiki figuratively shat bricks.

"The…the…" Ranma stuttered as Tatewaki took the Hierophant Sunglasses from Kodachi.

"No fucking way." Nabiki said, as smiles appeared on everyone's faces. Kuno then shoved them back into Kodachi's hands.

"What good are they to me? I cannot have my Pigtailed Goddess back." Tatewaki lamented.

Kodachi's smile dimmed. "No, I suppose you cannot. But…I think you look very cool in them, big brother."

Tatewaki stared at Kodachi, and then down at the sunglasses before taking them. "You…you think so?"

"Yes! They make you look strong, mysterious, and as I said…very cool." Kodachi replied. "Even though you have no need for them, I'd like to see you wear them more often."

Opening the sunglasses, Kuno put them on, and then he smiled to Kodachi. "Thank you Kochi, I'll wear them all the time for you."

Kodachi beamed, and then hugged Tatewaki. "Big brother!"

"I don't believe it, how'd they survive that pineapple?" Ranma asked as Tatewaki pulled from his sister's embrace and then waved over to Ranma and the others.

"Are we still on for lunch, Saotome-san? May I bring my sister along?" He called over, and Akane actually squealed giddily in excitement.

'I don't care what happened before this is the best day ever." She squealed. "Yes! Yes, bring Kodachi along! Nabiki, you're coming too, Shampoo as well! This is the best day ever! I'm so happy! I'M SO HAPPY!"

She hugged Nabiki, and began sobbing hysterically. As Tatewaki and Kodachi walked over to join the group, Kodachi smirked. Skipping school to keep an eye on Ranma-sama and Akane-sama's efforts paid off, had she not been on the roof to snag the sunglasses off the pineapple when it rocketed out of the gym, they would've been lost forever. Hugging her brother's arm, she smiled at how her own plan came together flawlessly.

Ranma and Akane would now become friendlier to him, which would make it easier for Kodachi to get closer to her.

* * *

"Curse you Saotome…curse you Saotome…curse you Saotome…" Bruised, bloodied, and leaning on a crutch, Gosunkugi sobbed as he weakly hammered a picture of Ranma kissing Akane while under the influence of the Neko-ken into a tree at a park on the edge of Nerima. He let the hammer slip from his hand and leaned onto his crutch.

"Taking advantage of Akane like that…kissing her in front of everyone…I…I'll never forgive you!" He cried out, before a fist punched the nail into the bark of the tree, crumpling the picture into an impression of his fist. Gosunkugi followed the arm the fist was connected to, and fell backward when he saw Ryoga Hibiki staring directly at the picture.

"R-Ryoga…!" He squeaked in fear when he saw the red aura rising from his body. He quickly crawled backward when the red glow intensified. He stared at the picture, Ranma's lips to Akane's, and he opened his fist.

"Ranma…"

A brilliant flash of light filled the park, joined with an incredible din. Moments later, Ryoga walked out of the park, leaving a terrified Gosunkugi sitting in a puddle of his own urine as he stared at the burning trench that had once been a huge and dense patch of trees. His eyes glowing ominously, a single thought occupied Ryoga's mind as he left the park.

"…I will show you the weight of my despair."

* * *

A/N: Ryoga Hibiki returns to throw it down with Ranma Saotome, next chapter...the Shi Shi Hokodan Arc!


	23. The Pig who roared like a Lion

SPECIAL ALERT!: As you may notice, the chapter count has decreased by THREE. That is because The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression has been REWRITTEN! The first six chapters have been condensed into three, and all sorts of material has been added (and removed) to make for a more coherent and improved reading experience. So before you start with the newest chapter, go back and hit up all the new hotness of Interview! Don't forget to leave a review, and then come back and check out the NEW HOTNESS that is the start of the Shishi Hokodan Story Arc!

* * *

Disclaimer: Kamina Shades weren't cool back in 2007, they aren't cool now. Tatewaki Kuno wears Summers Edition ruby-quartz sunglasses.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**

The Pig who roared like a Lion

_Oh Great, it's Ryoga again._

**[23.]**

Led by her Ninja, Ryoga Hibiki entered the inner-sanctum of Kaori Daikoku, a large dimly lit room within the heart of an elaborate and luxurious western-style mansion in Fukushima. Ryoga felt uncharacteristically uneasy about this place and the young woman who requested his presence, but he had heavier thoughts on his mind. Since the battle with Shampoo, he hadn't been able to find his way back to the Tendo Dojo, and all he could think about was Akane and the state she had been left in: broken, alone, all because of Ranma.

"Welcome, Ryoga Hibiki." Kaori said without looking back to him. "I've been trying to find you for a long time."

Ryoga focused on Kaori. "What do you want from me?"

"I want your help," Kaori turned to face him, "You're strong, you're durable, and you have potential. I need your help in destroying an enemy of mine."

Ryoga almost turned for the door, which was directly behind him. He immediately began walking to his left. "If you have an enemy, be honorable about it and fight them yourself. I'll have no part in it."

Kaori pulled a sardonic smirk. "Would it change your mind if I told you my enemy was Ranma Saotome?"

Ryoga stopped and looked towards Kaori again. "What quarrel do you have with Ranma?"

She had his attention. Kaori explained as Ryoga turned to face her. "My Father engaged me to be wed to Ranma Saotome, for the meager price of some rice, a single fish, and a pickle."

"Engaged to Ranma, for such a paltry fee?" Ryoga clenched his fist.

"From that moment, I was groomed specifically to be Ranma's wife, and I'd be quite content with it if not for learning the truth about him and his father." Kaori replied. "Suffice to say despite my protests I am still bound to this agreement by my family, in order to attain freedom from this obligation, I must destroy the Saotome Family."

"I see." Ryoga shook his head and folded his arms. "Well, it doesn't even matter. You don't have to worry about being married to Ranma, he's been taken…by force."

"Oh?" Kaori asked.

Ryoga nodded. "Another woman came, and declared that she was in love with Ranma. She and Akane fought for him, and Akane lost. He's probably in China right now as we speak."

Kaori's smirk grew. He was woefully out of date. "I'm afraid that's not the case."

Ryoga's eyes widened. "What? What do you mean? I saw it with my own eyes! I saw Akane lose!"

"She did." Kaori replied. "But there is no honor at all in the School of Indiscriminate Grappling."

A large screen behind Kaori came on, showing Kasumi's showdown with Shampoo. "Kasumi Tendo convinced Shampoo to commit to an all-or-nothing battle for the right to win Ranma back."

Ryoga couldn't believe what he was seeing when it showed a slideshow of Kasumi manhandling Shampoo. With every slide, Kaori spoke. "Kasumi _destroyed_ Shampoo, effortlessly."

"No…then that means…" Ryoga gasped when the image flipped to Ranma and Akane walking home from school together as the autumn leaves blew around them. He clenched his fists. "No. No!"

Kaori nodded grimly. "They are still together."

Ryoga fell to his knees. "This…this can't be possible…"

He had missed his chance and back and square one and Ranma…Ranma was back with Akane, like nothing had happened at all. The despair that he once again had no chance with Akane outweighed any relief he could have for her happiness. "No…that…that's not fair! Ranma, that bastard…he…he just gets a happy ending, just like that?"

The image dimmed away, and the room plunged into darkness that Ryoga could feel consume him. Kaori spoke. "No one deserves happiness more than the people whose lives were ruined through the Saotome family, you especially."

Ryoga looked up when a green light began to fill the room. He looked up, and saw that the light was coming from a glowing green orb floating above Kaori's open palm. "I can give you the power to defeat Ranma once and for all, and claim what is yours. Your happiness, your honor…"

Ryoga continued to stare at the glowing light, the amazement on his face replaced with a mockery of hope. Kaori smirked a little. "…Your woman."

Wordlessly, Ryoga nodded, and Kaori's own sadistic joy caused the orb of light to snuff out, casting them in darkness again.

* * *

The family, sans Akane, was eating dinner, listening raptly to a story Ranma was telling. "So Scott tells me he's about to get murdered by this guy, right? When he tricks him into doing this grind down two hundred steps worth of rail, he does it and he goes down the railing too fast, and crashes to his death at the bottom of the hill."

"Canadians sure like to play for keeps, huh?" Nabiki asked as she chewed on a sushi roll.

Shampoo, who was over for dinner, spoke up. "Nah, it's like that everywhere. Like when I was in Thailand, people died for little stuff. Once, these two crazy Romanian kids got this weird, weird fixation about killing Shampoo."

Kasumi gasped. "Why?"

Shampoo reached up to her hair. "They wanted to wear Shampoo hair like wig."

"So what happened to them?" Ranma asked.

"Don't know, I lured them on boat as it going out to sea, never saw them again." Shampoo replied.

"I'm home!" Akane called out as the door closed behind her.

Kasumi, brightening, looked over as Akane removed her shoes and headed for the stairs. "Welcome back, Akane-chan." She saw she was going for the stairs. "Are you going to join us for dinner?"

Ranma frowned as Akane shook her head. "No, I ate over at the Cat Café; I'm going upstairs to turn in early."

"Oh, alright…" Kasumi replied as Akane headed upstairs. She was growing concerned now, something has been bothering Akane for the last few days, and she was clammed up about it. She wasn't the only one who noticed it, however.

"Hey, Ranma, are you and Akane having a fight?" Nabiki asked.

"No!" Ranma quickly answered, before folding his arms. "We're doing fine; it's just that lately something's been bothering her."

Shampoo stopped mid-motion from popping a sushi roll into her mouth. "Yeah, I notice it at work. Akane doing fine, but she lost in thought."

"We are in the middle of Exam Season." Nabiki noted to shut down Soun and Genma before they came to any wild conclusions.

"Probably, she's too busy to even spar." Among other things, Ranma noted inwardly. Akane hadn't been in the mood for intimacy at all in the last few days, either. Kasumi wore a small frown, and looked back towards where Akane had gone.

* * *

As speculation carried on downstairs, Akane was in her room, stripping out of her work clothes, and then her underwear before she stood in front of her mirror and began to examine herself. She had decided not to grow her hair back out, largely because it was easier to manage, but partly because Ranma thought it was really cute.

She looked from her hair to her shoulders, where the majority of her scars from her previous battles started. A lot of them had since faded, but were still noticeable, a veritable roadmap of pale skin stood out across her body but not grotesquely so. She took great pride that almost all of her scars were on her front.

Cupping her breasts, Akane weighed them in her hands and sighed. She was outgrowing all her regular bras and soon she'd have to go shopping. That was fine by her, she could tease Ranma by trying on some racy stuff–he'd like that. Turning around, she examined her back and ran her hands over her hips and buttocks. She was getting curvier, and if this kept up she'd surpass both Nabiki and Kasumi one day.

Akane laughed softly at that notion, and then brought her hands around to her lower stomach as she turned to face the mirror again. Her smile faded, and she pouted a little bit. "I wonder if I should be worried…"

A soft thump behind her caught her attention, and she looked back to find P-Chan lying unconscious on the floor, blood dribbling from his snout. "P-Chan, you came back!"

Walking over to the piglet, she picked him up and cuddled him. "I was wondering where you went off to!"

P-Chan woke up in her arms, and let out a little happy squeal when he saw Akane's face. Almost immediately after, his gaze fell to Akane's breasts and he fainted dead away again. Akane chuckled. "You little pervert."

There was a knock on the door, followed by Ranma, in girl form, walking in. "Yo Akane, I'm coming in…oh! Sorry!"

Akane, however, smiled and waved him in. "It's fine, don't worry."

Nodding, Ranma closed the door behind her, and paused when she saw Akane was holding P-Chan. She didn't like that he was in here while Akane was in the nude. "So, the piggy came back, huh?"

Akane set him down and went to her closet to grab her pajamas out. "Yes, I haven't seen him since that whole mess with Shampoo; I was getting kind of worried."

"Yeah, I wonder where he's been." Ranma reached over and rubbed P-Chan's head. When Akane turned to her closet, Ranma delivered a swift slap to P-Chan's face and woke him back up.

Sitting awake, P-Chan glared at Ranma. Akane's voice turned the piglet's attention back to the actual girl, and his eyes widened when he saw her bent over in the process of pulling her pajama bottoms up. "Wherever he's been, I'm just glad that he's back."

P-Chan looked back and forth between Ranma and Akane. She was naked, and Ranma was just sitting here, like it was no big deal to either of them! Ignoring P-Chan's panic attack, Ranma folded her legs on the bed and rested her chin on her folded hands. "Is something going on, Akane?"

Akane paused midway through pulling on her pajama top onto her shoulders. Looking back at Ranma, she shook her head. "Nothing, I've just been thinking a lot lately."

P-Chan was now growling at Ranma, how dare she just violate Akane's modesty like this? Ranma ignored P-Chan as she responded. "Thinking, about what? The last couple of days you've been keeping everybody at arm's length because of whatever is distracting you."

Buttoning up her pajama top, Akane sighed again in annoyance. "Can you go away? I'm tired and I don't feel like talking about it right now!"

Ranma huffed and got up. There was no way she was taking a swing at this hornets' nest. "Fine, whenever you're ready we'll talk."

P-Chan watched in amazement as Ranma marched out of Akane's room, slamming the door behind her on her way out. Had she and Akane just had a fight? He looked to Akane, who had let out an agitated huff before shutting off her bedroom light and climbing into the bed. P-Chan immediately climbed up onto her chest and sniffed at her face.

"Oh, I'm sorry P-Chan." Akane sighed as she hugged him. "I didn't want you to see that. I don't know what I'm going to do…I can't tell Ranma, not now, it's no good."

P-Chan's eyes widened, when he saw how upset Akane was, how badly were things going for her? Akane then said something that completely struck the boy-turned-piglet. "I don't know if I can keep this up, I'm just so scared now."

Staring at Akane's upset, vulnerable face, only a single thought went through P-Chan's mind. What had Ranma done to Akane? Whatever it was, P-Chan was going to find out, and he was going to make Ranma pay.

Heading downstairs, Ranma was stopped by Nabiki at the bottom of the steps; she held an envelope out for her. "I found this on the back patio, it looks like Ryoga's back and he wants to fight it out."

Ranma took the envelope and opened it. "I figured as much." She read the challenge. "It's for tomorrow, so in a week I guess."

Nabiki smiled. "Don't worry, he'll be there tomorrow. I'll make sure he shows up on time."

Balling up the letter, envelope and all, Ranma nodded in appreciation. "Could you also find out what Akane's deal is?"

Nabiki's eyebrows rose in concern. "She didn't tell you anything?"

"No. Whatever it is, though, it's really bothering her." Ranma replied. "We almost had a fight."

"Ouch. Okay, I'll grill her for information, but it'll cost you~." Nabiki held her hand out emphatically.

Rolling her eyes, Ranma stalked off. "Put it on my tab."

"Duly noted! It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Ran-chan!" Nabiki called after her. The moment Ranma was out of sight, Nabiki folded her arms and grumbled. "Great, now I have to get worried about her all over again. Come on, Akane; stop making me act like a big sister."

* * *

Ranma had his doubts that Nabiki would pull through, so he had actually prepared to camp out for a few days at the place of their due. Sure enough, however, Nabiki arrived with Ryoga in tow. Sitting on a blanket set in front of his tent, Ranma looked over to Ryoga and waved. "Oh hey Orson, you actually showed up on time for once."

He looked to Nabiki as Ryoga glowered at him. "How'd you find him so fast?"

"You just need to know where to look." Nabiki replied before she turned around and walked away. "Don't rough each other up too much now, boys."

Ryoga watched Nabiki go out the corner of his eye, and then turned to more pressing matters. At least Nabiki didn't seem interested in _that_ anymore, still between her and ending up in Osaka he wasn't sure which was worse. But again, there were more pressing concerns right in front of him. "Ranma."

Adopting a stance, Ranma stared back dispassionately. "I was wondering when you'd find your way back; things have quieted down a lot since you left."

Ryoga snorted. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, last time you came around, a whole bunch of stupid shit happened," Ranma replied, "Some of it entirely your fault."

"It's my fault? If you want to blame someone for your misery just look in the mirror. Your misery is nothing but divine justice." Ryoga responded.

This was a new tone for Ryoga, it actually sounded restrained, almost calm. Still, Ranma didn't like it. "What's with this bad attitude of yours?"

Removing his pack, Ryoga set it aside and cracked his knuckles. "I've heard some things while I was out, Ranma, things about you."

Ranma narrowed his eyes. "What things?"

"That's not important." Ryoga replied. "What bothers me the most is that you've done something to make Akane sad, and there's no way I can forgive you for that."

Ranma's expression did a full one-eighty at the accusation. "I don't know what you've heard, but Akane and I are fine, you hear that?"

Ryoga chuckled smugly. "Oh I've heard a lot. It's a shame you don't sleep with Akane, you'd learn a lot more about her."

That would've amused Ranma–oh how little Ryoga knew–if it hadn't pissed him off so much more. "Oh yes, the things you hear while pretending to be her dumb pet pig!"

Ryoga clicked his teeth and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm done talking; it's time to make you pay for what you've done to Akane. Come at me with all you've got!"

"What did Akane tell you?" Ranma asked as he sized up the new stance Ryoga was using. This wasn't like him, was he going to try something new? "Fess up, Pig Boy!"

Frowning, Ryoga answered. "Beat me and I'll tell you."

The instant he finished speaking, Ranma was within striking distance, his fist already on course for Ryoga's face. Ryoga then shoved his hands forward, and the next thing Ranma saw was red before he was blasted backward, across the vacant lot and through the cinderblock wall that surrounded it.

Laid out on his back, his feet hanging over what was left of the wall, Ranma blinked. "What…what the Hell was that?"

He almost immediately remembered as he sat up and looked at Ryoga in disbelief. "No…no freaking way…"

Ryoga, his expression grim, sighed. "So, it looks like you recognize this technique. That's a shame; I wanted to surprise you with it."

Ranma did recognize it; it was that crazy energy blast technique that Kaori used at Kuno's mansion! Did he run into her while he was wandering around like an idiot? Still, it presented a unique opportunity to learn more about it. "Yeah, I know about your little trick…"

He sprang into action, much faster than before. "And it won't work on me twice!"

Before Ryoga could even aim his hands for the blast, he was forced to block the kick that Ranma swung for his chest. As Ryoga defended, Ranma unleashed a barrage of punches to keep his guard up. _"Let's see you fire that attack off with your hands full–damn it!"_

After only taking a few dozen punches, Ryoga had let one knock him back, and before Ranma could pursue or evade, Ryoga fired another blast, which smashed into Ranma and carved a trench in the Earth before smashing him into a wall. He didn't go through it this time but left a nice imprint.

"Ugh…taking a blast like that twice in succession…it did a number on me…" He mumbled to himself. Even worse, it didn't look like Ryoga was tired out by the effort, just like Kaori. Sliding from the wall, he managed to prop himself up against it.

Ryoga aimed his hands at Ranma again and grumbled in frustration. "You're still standing after that? I'm not using enough power."

When he fired the blast, Ranma quickly jumped to the side, the much larger beam of light cleanly vaporizing the wall and slashing across the street on the other side, alerting Nabiki. Landing, Ranma quickly became a blur, racing to close in faster than Ryoga could see.

Ryoga grimaced. "I missed, damn it!"

Ranma went to town an instant later, hitting much faster and harder than anything Ryoga had experienced before. His attempt at blocking was futile; Ryoga couldn't even see Ranma's fists to properly defend. Lifted off the ground by the ceaseless blows, Ryoga's hands fell to his side as his guard was smashed open.

When Ranma finally stopped, steam was coming off his hands from the friction of moving so quickly through the air. He then slammed a double palm strike into Ryoga's chest with all his speed and strength, causing Ryoga to suddenly vanish briefly before he went through the wall behind him and into the side of the building beyond it.

Nabiki had made her way back over, and stared in surprise at the damage done in the three minutes she had left Ranma and Ryoga to their own devices. She looked over to Ranma, who was walking towards where Ryoga had gone. Wait, Ranma looked like he'd received quite a thrashing.

"Yo, Ryoga, don't tell me that's the limit to your flashy little trick." Ranma taunted as he strolled over. "But hey, it did hurt quite a bit. You should head over to Minato and give the Sailor Senshi a hand. You can be Sailor Pork or something."

Ranma stopped and stared at the hole in the building Ryoga made. "I wouldn't recommend the miniskirt, though, maybe something a little longer."

The sound of Ryoga's sobbing came from the darkness of the hole he made. Ranma tilted his head to the side in confusion. "…Are…are you crying?"

"It's not enough…it's not enough…" Ryoga sobbed in anguish. "Damn you Ranma…damn you Ranma…"

A bright red glow began to shine first from the hole, and then from every window of the six story building above it. Ranma's eyes went wide, just as Ryoga yelled out.

"DAMN YOU RANMA!"

Nabiki was lucky to be off to the side when the colossal beam of energy ripped across the vacant lot after engulfing Ranma. She stared, frozen at the light as it tore apart the ground in front of her, and when it cleared and left a perfectly glassed ditch, she fell onto her backside in disbelief.

"What…what the Hell was that Dragon Ball Z shit?" She finally managed to ask, before Ryoga walked back into the lot. She looked to him, and then at the other end of the ditch.

Ranma was plastered flat against the side of another building, spread eagle in the middle of a scorched spot on the wall. Letting out a puff of smoke from his mouth, he fell forward with a thump, leaving a silhouette of himself in the center of the scorch mark.

Nabiki managed to quickly get up, and slowly walked over to Ranma, as Ryoga watched with his hands limp at his sides. "Ranma, are you okay?"

He was breathing, but he was also completely unconscious. Nabiki looked at Ryoga, who was staring at the thick, black smoke coming up from his hands. "Holy shit, he beat him."

She looked back to Ranma and knelt down. "Ranma, hey Ranma, wake up."

"Fucking cats…" Ranma groaned back, he wasn't going to be home for a while.

"Shit." Nabiki got up and looked over to Ryoga, who was as surprised as she was.

"I did it, I beat Ranma?" Ryoga clenched his fists and began to grin. "I did it! I finally beat him! I BEAT RANMA! YES!"

He began to prance around, cheering and dancing like a fool. "I DID IT! IN YOUR FACE RANMA! YOU HAVE BEEN DOMINATED!"

Ryoga zipped over to Ranma, and stared down at him. "YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!"

He then danced away, laughing hysterically, before he jumped, flipped, and did cartwheels in the street. Nabiki watched impassively, before Ryoga suddenly got up in her face. "And you! You were horrible in bed! There! I said it! And there's nothing you can do about it because I BEAT RANMA!"

Ryoga leaped up to the top of the wall, put his arms akimbo and laughed to the sky above. "YOU HEAR THAT? NOTHING YOU CAN DO CAN BRING ME DOWN FROM THIS! I HAVE SEEN THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND YOU WILL WORSHIP ME AS THOUGH I WERE A GOD!"

A torrent of water then turned Ryoga's moment of triumph into a bad punch-line. Looking up, Nabiki saw that the resident of the building Ranma got blasted into had thrown a bucket of water down on Ryoga. "Keep it down you moron!"

As the resident slammed the window shut, Nabiki looked to the drenched piglet sitting in a pile of clothes and clapped her hands together twice. "Divine retribution."

It served him right, mocking her when she gave him her virginity! Ah well, she's had better, since. Picking him up by the feet, Nabiki dragged Ranma off. "Still, you're never going to hear the end of this one."

P-Chan growled as Nabiki dragged Ranma away, but then stopped caring about his minor misfortune. He defeated Ranma! His technique had worked…and it wasn't even fully perfected! Next time, oh yes, next time he'd finish off Ranma for good and win Akane in the process!

* * *

Some time later Ranma's eyelids twitched, before he suddenly sat awake and wildly looked around. He quickly realized he wasn't at the fight, and just as quickly realized the pain he was in. Letting out a groan, he fell back on the bed, one of the beds in Dr. Tofu's clinic to be precise. "H-how did I end up here?"

"Oh, Nabiki brought you here after Ryoga gave you a pretty severe thrashing." Dr. Tofu said as he peeked into the recovery room.

Ranma tried to sit up again. "What? Ryoga didn't beat me…he…ow."

As Ranma flopped back onto the bed, Dr. Tofu shook his head. "I'm afraid it is what it is. Though I've never seen anything quite like it, you look like you got punched over every inch of your body."

"That's exactly what I feel like," Ranma admitted, "Except I was punched my trucks, a lot of trucks."

"Quite, I'm sure you'll be fine after some rest. You kids are unnaturally sturdy, after all." Tofu cheerfully replied before he grew inquisitive. "But like I said, I've never seen something like this before. What happened?"

Ranma grumbled. "Ryoga, he has some kind of weird energy attack. He completely flattened me with it."

"An energy attack, you mean like in Dragon Ball Z?" Tofu scratched his chin at that. "Huh, those are incredibly difficult to do."

"It's not the first time I've seen it." Ranma replied. "Kaori Daikoku, she used the same attack. It was a different color, but it was the same technique. Ryoga's just hurt a ton more."

Dr. Tofu hummed. "The girl who is out to kill you and your Father, do you suspect she taught Ryoga?"

"I'm certain of it, she and Ryoga both have it out for me and Ryoga will take any advantage he can get." Taking a deep breath, Ranma sat up. "I have to figure out how that attack works, maybe even learn it myself if I'm going to pay Ryoga back."

"Oh, you don't need to worry about finding a countermeasure." Tofu replied as he recalled what he learned back in his old days. "All energy attacks take a tremendous amount of human life energy to work. After one blast, even the most skilled and durable Martial Artist lacks the strength to even move a muscle. It's why those attacks are generally considered a waste of time to learn."

Ranma stared at Tofu. "Are you sure about that, Doc? Because Ryoga used it three times and each time was stronger than the last. Kaori used it multiple times too, and was able to smack me, Akane, Kuno, and Shampoo around with it."

This surprised the Doctor. "Well then…we have a mystery on our hands. Because unless you have some sort of alternative power source, that's impossible, even for you kids."

"Eh? Impossible?" Ranma asked.

Dr. Tofu nodded, and sat down on a stool next to the bed. Rubbing his hands together and concentrating, he quickly held one forward, and a blast of air hit Ranma in the face, surprising him. "Huh? What was that?"

"That was a blast of life energy, which you'll hear as ki, spirita, orgone, etc. All living things have it, but we have a certain amount. A battle aura is a projection of that life energy; with the stronger you are determining the size of it." Tofu explained.

Ranma knew about battle auras, he'd even witnessed it a few times…with Kasumi's massive aura being a dramatic example. "So, the more life energy you have, the stronger those kinds of attacks are?"

"Not necessarily." Doctor Tofu corrected. "When you get exhausted, that's your body running low on energy despite using it as efficiently as you've conditioned yourself to. An energy attack comprised of life energy is the most wasteful form, because it uses up all that energy at once in a single blast."

Dr. Tofu sighed. "Energy attacks are best used as an extension of the body, with precision and control like a machine. Tiny, barely perceptible bursts targeting a direct point, rather than something like the Kamehameha."

Ranma blinked. "Like Akane's cutting technique, right?"

"Precisely like that." Tofu replied. "Akane's cutting trick exerts the minimum amount of energy required, but is still devastating because she has a great deal of control over it."

Tofu let out a laugh. "It's a very scary technique, from what I've seen her demonstrate. But that's the limit of Life Energy, there has to be something else to it that allows Ryoga and Kaori to use those techniques."

Ranma hummed and then nodded. "If I figure out what that something is, I bet I'll figure out the weakness, too."

Tofu nodded. "I have no doubt about it."

* * *

The next day, Akane was in a hurry to get home after an opening shift at the Cat Café. In her hands, she tightly held a paper bag, and her face was a brilliant scarlet. Never had she had to put up with anything so embarrassing in her life, to be a second year in High School, going into a store and buying _that_. She was just glad she went where nobody recognized her.

"_It's just for peace of mind, and nothing more. Whatever happens happens…"_ She reminded herself as she continued her brisk pace for home.

At that exact moment, a flower bouquet in his hands, Ryoga was in search of the Tendo Dojo. Ever since his victory, he'd been thinking about Akane's reaction to Ranma's defeat. Surely Akane, realizing how foolish she was to be engaged to a butt-monkey like Ranma, declaring that she would love only a real warrior, a real winner, and most importantly a real man.

"_Even if he turns into a pig, at least he's a male pig!" _Ryoga could hear her saying to Ranma, driving the final nail into the coffin of Saotome's happiness. It brought a broad smile to his face

"_Oh Ryoga!"_ She'd call to him when he finally appeared in her doorway, flowers in hand. _"I'm so happy, let's run away right now, and get married! I'll go with you to the ends of the Earth!"_

Ryoga sighed. _"Akane, there's so much I'm going to tell you. My feelings, they just can't stay in my chest any longer! Oh Akane…oh Akane…!"_

Akane walked past him and he waved. "Oh, hey Akane."

He went only three paces before he suddenly stopped and whirled around. "Akane!"

* * *

At the Cat Café, Ranma had gone to the one person he expected to know something about the technique Ryoga used, Cologne. He hadn't expected much hope, but when he described the attack in detail, both Kaori and Ryoga's variants, Cologne's buggy eyes widened in recognition.

"Oh! Those kids learned of the Shishi Hokodan!" The old woman exclaimed.

"The Shishi Hokodan…" Ranma repeated. "Lion's Roar Blast?"

Cologne chuckled. "An aptly named technique, I'm sure you can agree."

It certainly was, after the number it did on him. "Boss, I need to learn the technique! If I can, I can use it to mop the floor with Ryoga!"

At that, Cologne narrowed her eyes. "It'd do you no good to learn it. Ryoga, Kaori, they are naturally talented in its use."

Ranma was offended. "I've got a ton more talent than either of them! Come on, you can teach me the technique, right? I need to at least try!"

Humming, Cologne shrugged her shoulders. "Very well, then. Come out back and let's see what you can do."

With a spring in his step, Ranma hopped up and followed Cologne to the back of the Cat Café.

* * *

"You know, I never got to thank you for helping with Shampoo." Akane said as she and Ryoga sat on bench. Ryoga had hidden the flowers behind him, and made a Herculean effort to keep her from noticing them. "Everything's gotten a lot better since, thanks to Kasumi getting Ranma his memories back."

Ryoga smiled back to Akane. He knew she was lying, and that made his smile a little sad.

"So…" Ryoga, deciding to test the waters, asked. "How are you and Ranma doing now?"

"Okay, I guess." Akane replied in a tone that gave away something was wrong. Under Ryoga's scrutiny she looked down at the bag in her hands. "Things could be better, but it's more my fault than his."

Her fault, what could Akane do wrong? Was she not meeting Ranma's expectations? Was he blaming her for something? The very thought made Ryoga's blood boil, but he shrugged it off, and stayed on task. "I wouldn't be too worried about it. After yesterday Ranma's going to be in a pretty crappy mood, but don't let him take it out on you."

Akane grew confused. "Huh? What happened yesterday?"

It was Ryoga's turn to hold the bemusement ball. "Wait, you don't know?"

* * *

"Cross your wrists over your chest, firmly." Cologne barked at Ranma in the back lot of the Cat Café.

Doing as commanded, Ranma crossed his arms and took a deep breath. "Okay, now what?"

"Raise your fighting aura and gather it at your hands to project forward, and release!" Cologne ordered.

Ranma thrust his hands forward, and to his very surprise a glowing yellow orb appeared in his the air between his hands. "Ha! Look I did it-!"

It fizzled and disappeared with a pop. Cologne hummed. "It's exactly as I said, you're no good for this technique."

Determination burned in Ranma's eyes. "Like Hell I am!" He repeated the motion. "Shishi Hokodan!"

Again the energy ball appeared, and then fizzled with a pop. Looking at his hands, Ranma realized they didn't even feel warm from the heat of the ball in the cold fall air. "I don't get it! Why won't it work like–? Oh crap…"

His arms dropped to his sides, and he slumped a little. He suddenly felt incredibly tired. "What…what happened?"

He then remembered Dr. Tofu's lecture on life energy. "I used up too much of my own life energy, after two little pops? Then…how the Hell could Ryoga do what he did to me yesterday?"

"Ah, so you know about Life Energy and how useless it is in energy attacks?" Cologne asked. When Ranma looked over, the old woman tapped herself on the head with her staff. "Those who can use the Shishi Hokodan have a trait that makes it work for them. It is a trait that you lack entirely."

Ranma looked back to his hands. "A special talent…"

Cologne then added something. "I suggest you find another way to defeat Ryoga, there is no way you'll be able to win in your state. I'm going back inside, come in and eat something to restore your strength."

"Wait!" Ranma called after Cologne, but she had already returned inside. He looked at his hands again, and clenched them into fists. "A trait that Ryoga has that I lack? Then that means…that means…"

He punched himself in the temples and ground his knuckles against it. "I'll never be able to beat Ryoga at this rate!"

* * *

Akane was shocked by the revelation Ryoga had delivered to her. "You and Ranma fought, and Ranma lost?"

Ryoga was more shocked that Akane didn't know. "Yes, your sister was there and saw everything! I defeated him pretty handily."

Yesterday Akane had been on the internet, doing research all day. She looked at the brown paper bag again, and then shook her head. "I guess I was too busy with other things to notice. Oh man, Ranma must be pissed off."

That just confused Ryoga further "Oh man, he must be pissed off"? That was her reaction to him beating her fiancé like a bad habit? Ryoga didn't know whether to feel pity for Ranma or bask in the schadenfreude. Wait, yes he did. He immediately chose the latter because hey, Ranma got his ass wrecked and his fiancée didn't care!

There was trouble in paradise, and Ryoga had a good feeling that he could tip it in his favor. He tightened his grip on his flowers. "You know, Akane, seeing as I'm stronger than Ranma…"

Akane stood up, interrupting him. "I'm sorry, Ryoga, but I need to get home."

She had been so wrapped up in her crisis that she didn't even hear about Ranma and Ryoga's fight. She had to make it up to Ranma, maybe cook him something nice for dinner. She waved back to Ryoga and quickly booked it for home, leaving Ryoga and his flowers to wilt.

"…You and I should go out instead." Ryoga finished as Akane ran out of sight. Crushing the flowers in his grip, he wilted just like the strangled flowers and sighed. "She didn't even hear what I had to say."

Tossing the bouquet to the ground, Ryoga got up and stepped on it as he began to walk off. "Maybe it was a bad time for her? She sure did seem distracted, but from what?"

"Ryoga!" Ranma yelled out, before he landed behind him. Ryoga looked back impassively as his bandaged opponent leveled a finger at him. "I've been looking for you!"

"Oh? Feeling masochistic, Ranma?" Ryoga glared at Ranma. Whatever it was that was tormenting Akane, Ranma was certainly the cause of it. That made him depressed.

"Masochistic my ass, show me the Shishi Hokodan again!" Ranma demanded. "I'm going to figure it out even if it kills m-!"

Ryoga blasted Ranma through a wall, the building behind it, and the building behind that. Lowering his hands, he walked over to where Ranma laid on the ground, smoke rising from his body, and leaned down over him. "Knocked out again, huh Ranma? This technique's not even perfected, why are you so weak?"

Anger swelling up under his depression, Ryoga pointed his hands at Ranma, the energy gathering at his palm. "I guess I should finish you off."

Kodachi's ribbon wrapped around his hands and wrenched them upward. Standing atop a light pole, the younger Kuno sibling regarded Ryoga with righteous contempt. "You know that technique now? What a bother."

Ryoga quickly broke free of the ribbon, before Kodachi suddenly leaped down onto him and drove his back to a wall with one of her clubs. "Shocking as it is to me, you have defeated Ranma-sama. Attacking him after the fact is just unsporting."

"You can't beat me." Ryoga warned her.

"I'm not fighting, vagrant." Kodachi then sprayed Ryoga in the face with a paralysis agent hiding in the club, sending him to his knees coughing. She walked over and hoisted Ranma up and over her shoulders, goodness he was heavy. "If it is your intention to kill Ranma-sama then challenge him to a proper duel to the death. Perhaps then you won't deal with interference."

With that, Kodachi leaped away, hopping back up to the top of the light pole, to the rooftops, and then off towards the direction of the Tendo Dojo. The agent taking effect, Ryoga let out a frustrated growl and struggled to get up.

* * *

Ranma had been sulking ever since he regained consciousness in the Tendo Dojo. He'd been wracking his brain, trying to figure out just how Ryoga could pull it off. If it was an energy attack, then why wasn't Ryoga a withered out husk when he used it? What was missing from the equation? What was the trick? That Ryoga, _Ryoga_ of all people figured it all out and he couldn't was the insult to injury.

Clutching the sides of his head, Ranma plunged into despair. There was just no way, no way could he lose to a pushover like Ryoga! Just because of a stupid, cheap energy blast that only he could do!

Genma, who had been out throughout the day, then entered the dojo with Akane in tow. Akane looked to Genma and whispered. "Kodachi said that Ryoga had defeated Ranma with an energy blast, and Ranma's been down about it ever since he woke up. You're his teacher; you should try to tell him something, anything that might cheer him up."

At that, Genma nodded. "Don't you worry, I have just the thing."

Akane nodded. "I'm going to go freshen up and then get started on Ranma's dinner, don't forget to tell him that, okay?"

When Genma nodded, Akane turned and quietly exited. Walking over to Ranma, Genma folded his arms and let out a hum. Just how was he going to approach this? He could be the kind, sagely master, or he could be Genma Saotome. It took him about a second to decide, before he punched Ranma in the back of the head.

"Look at you! You're on the verge of crying like a little baby because you lost to your mortal rival! I didn't train you to fold over when you ran into an opponent you couldn't beat!" Genma barked at Ranma, who was sprawled out from the hit.

Ranma pushed himself up, as Genma continued to taunt him. "Oh boohoo, I can't beat Ryoga because he has a new technique! What are you going to do, cry some more?"

Genma shook his head. "Defeated by a cheap trick like that and you're moping about it? You're an embarrassment as a martial artist!"

The old man was right, and it just pushed Ranma down further, and further as the berating continued. "What have I been doing all these years if you're going to be come all…what is it the kids call it…ah…emo on me!"

It was all Ranma could take, and suddenly there it was, power, a lot of it, coursing through his body as he turned around to shove Genma back. "SHUT UP YOU BASTARD!"

A ray of yellow light fired from his hands, smashing into Genma and blasting him out of the Dojo. His eyes wide, Ranma stared at the hole in the wall, and then at his hands. Outside the dojo, Genma slowly raised his finger. "T-that's my boy…g-get angry…don't be a…ow…bitch…"

As Genma's hand flopped to the ground, Ranma stared at his hands, and grew wide eyed. "Wait. Wait!"

That was it, it all made sense now! The way Kaori acted when she began attacking them with the Shishi Hokodan, how Ryoga seem so down when he used it on Ranma. "No, don't get angry, get depressed! That's the secret! The reason energy attacks work is because there has to be emotion channeled into them that adds to the power! Ryoga is a miserable son of a bitch because of his curse, and Kaori is a miserable bitch because she hates me!"

Ranma hops to his feet. "If the Shishi Hokodan is powered by depression, and I try it now…!"

He throws his hands forward, as instructed before, and barely a fizzle occurs. "Then it won't work at all! Yes! I've figured you out Ryoga! You'll never win again!"

He had to tell Akane the good news; this was almost too good to be true. Sprinting like a gazelle from the Dojo to the kitchen, Ranma found only Kasumi and Kodachi there, enjoying some tea. "Where's Akane!"

Kasumi pointed in the direction of the bathroom. "She went to freshen up before making you dinner."

Ranma's smile grew. "She's making me dinner?"

"She even went out and brought a steak to prepare." Kasumi replied cheerfully, Ranma looked to be his old self again. Indeed, he was off in a flash. "It looks like Ranma's in high spirits again."

Kodachi curtly nodded and sipped from her tea.

Reaching the bathroom, Ranma was bouncing on his feet when he knocked on the door. "Akane, I figured it out! I know how Ryoga's cheap-ass Shishi Hokodan works!"

"Oh, that's great!" Akane said, before Ranma began to open the door. "Wait Ranma don't open the-!"

It was too late, as Ranma eagerly explained. "You see, it all works because you have to be depressed…to…"

Suddenly the Shishi Hokodan, Ryoga, everything was insignificant, because Akane was sitting on the toilet with a horrified expression on her face, and what was unmistakably a home pregnancy test in her hand.

"…A-Akane…?" He squeaked in growing surprise.

Akane just looked down.

* * *

A/N: Wham...again.


	24. Declawing the Lion

Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit fan-written parody and is not for any monetary gain, all characters and material are property of their original owners. The views and opinions expressed in this fan fictional work are those held by the characters and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of the author of this story, the site it is hosted upon, or any affiliated entities.

…Of course, if you have any reason to believe otherwise, you're a fucking moron.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**

De-clawing the Lion

_This chapter is dedicated to Antvasima, who hates this kind of stuff._

**[24.]**

"_Is that a…"_

"_Yes."_

"…_Akane are you…"_

"…_I don't know…"_

"…_Oh…"_

"_Don't leave…"_

"_I won't."_

Ranma was seated in a corner of the bathroom right next to the furo with his back to the wall. Akane was seated sideways on his lap, her knees drawn to her chest, and her head rested on his shoulder. In one hand, she held the home pregnancy test while the other was at his back, idly toying with his pigtail. The result had come up negative, but the fact that she even had it was scary enough.

"Do you think I should still see Dr. Tofu, just in case?" Akane asked quietly.

Ranma nodded, rubbing his head against Akane's in the process. Silence ensued, before he hugged Akane a little tighter. "This is what's been bothering you, huh?"

"Yeah, we've skipped on using condoms the last couple of times we've made love." Akane replied quietly. "My period's two days late, so I got paranoid, you know?"

"I know." Ranma shook his head. "We've been really stupid about this, haven't we?"

Akane let out a small laugh, despite the gravity of everything. "Yeah, if I'm not pregnant I'm going to go on birth control; Doctor Tofu won't tell my Dad."

"If" hung over their heads a scythe-like pendulum, slowly swaying downward. Clutching the test until it cracked in her hands, Akane sighed and let it fall to the floor, and sought to escape the subject. "So you figured out Ryoga's trick, huh?"

Ranma was just as relieved to move away from the subject. "Yeah, the Shishi Hokodan works using depression to fuel it. The more depressed you are, the stronger it'll be. It's perfect for that miserable idiot."

"So the best way to beat him is to make him happy." Akane concluded. "Which I guess would mean that you'd have to, I don't know, let him wail on you until he starts thinking he can win?"

"Except that even I'm not that durable. I can take a few hits and then I'm done." Ranma admitted.

At that, Akane hummed and began to formulate a strategy. Her brows then rose, and she wore a small smile. "Ne, Ranma, I know what will take the edge off Ryoga's technique."

Ranma chuckled; he knew exactly what she was thinking. "You're an evil bitch, Akane-chan."

Sitting up and turning to straddle his lap, Akane kissed Ranma deeply, and embraced him. She then whispered in his ear. "I love you two, asshole."

There was a pounding on the door, and then Nabiki called through it. "I need to use the toilet, you guys! Can you wrap this up? Huh?"

Akane smiled to Ranma and whispered. "Let's hope for the best, okay?"

"Yeah." Ranma replied, and he was kissed on the cheek before both gathered up the pregnancy test, concealed it, and left the bathroom and Nabiki to desecrate it.

* * *

"I can't believe it's this far into autumn already." Ryoga said as he sat on a stool in front of an okonomiyaki stand grilling up an order for him. It had been a day since he defeated Ranma for the second time.

On the stool next to him, Mousse nodded and hummed in agreement as he dug into his own order. Mousse had found him wandering towards Nerima's limits, on his way towards who knew where, and dragged him to the Okonomiyaki stand. The standing orders were to keep Ryoga in Nerima until Ranma was done away with.

Frankly, Mousse would be happier if Ryoga was slaughtered for pork; he had to play babysitter for the moron for two whole weeks and keeping him from wandering off. At least he didn't have to train him in anything this time; Kaori took good care of that.

"Here you go." The young vendor said to Ryoga as he presented an okonomiyaki with the mayonnaise arranged to spell out "Akane". Staring at the symbols that made up her name, Ryoga sighed wistfully, and Mousse found it pathetic.

After taking a bite out of his Akane okonomiyaki, Ryoga looked to Mousse and decided to bring up something that had been bothering him since Kaori assigned the Chinese youth to bring him to Nerima. "All this time, you've been working for Kaori-san, even back during the fight against Shampoo?"

Mousse nodded. "Since around then, yes."

"It was never your intention to help Akane win, was it?" Ryoga asked before he took a bite out of his okonomiyaki.

"Obviously not, but pretending to be her ally was the best way to set them up for the fall." Mousse explained. "It went flawlessly, but then that sister of Akane's got involved. Deus Ex Machina incarnate just strolls in and fixes everything nicely. That was so annoying."

"So why are you helping Kaori-san? What did Ranma do to you?" Ryoga asked.

Mousse smiled. "I have nothing against him personally. I'm just making a case for myself and I'll leave it at that."

Mousse bothered Ryoga. Here was a guy who was good at controlling information, whether it is about him, others, or the situation at hand. Because of it, Ryoga had the impression that he was less an ally against a common enemy, but a pawn–a means to an end that was easy to dispose of. If that was the case, he didn't care, as long as he was the one who got to beat Ranma.

He looked down at the partially eaten okonomiyaki, Akane's name still mostly intact. The okonomiyaki chef, a handsome and somewhat effeminate young man with a long ponytail, then spoke. "So, is she someone special to you?"

Staring at the chef, Ryoga looked down at the okonomiyaki and realized what he was talking about. "Akane is…she's someone that I love. She's a wonderful, kind person who I can call a friend. For a guy like me, that means a lot."

"It's nice, to have a good friend." The chef said.

"Right now, though, she's in a bad relationship, engaged to the worst guy on Earth because their parents said so." Ryoga sighed. "She endures it, but…she deserves so much better."

The okonomiyaki chef began to mix ingredients and asked. "How is he the worst guy on Earth?"

Ryoga's features darkened in anger. "He's a selfish, dishonorable coward, who ran out on a duel he and I were supposed to have and because of it…" Ryoga clenched a fist. "…I'm in a humiliating position."

Mousse disguised a laugh as a cough, as Ryoga continued. "He pulls her into his fights, and she gets hurt because of them, on one occasion it was bad, and even after the things she does for him, he treats her like crap. She's a lot like me, in a terrible situation because of that guy."

Pouring the batter mixture onto the hot plate, the chef mulled over what he was told. "That sounds awful, but…is it really so bad or is it because of your perspective that it is bad?"

Ryoga stared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You love her but you hate her fiancé, could that be coloring your perception of their relationship?" The chef asked. "In some circumstances what we want to believe, and what is actually the case can be two different things."

Mousse's glasses, already opaque, gleamed at the insinuation. Ryoga reflected on that, and frowned. "Are you saying I'm delusional?"

"No, but maybe you should widen your perspective." The chef returned. "Maybe their relationship isn't as bad as you think, perhaps it is worse, or maybe she's not as good a person, or in as bad a situation as you want to think."

Mousse narrowed his eyes at the chef. Ryoga dropped the okonomiyaki onto his plate and stood up. "Akane is a wonderful person! She's the only person who's ever been kind to me!"

"But she's the fiancée of the man you hate." The chef noted.

"I told you, she doesn't have a choice in that matter! And that bastard Ranma, she means nothing to him; she's just a human shield or someone to make his fights easier!" Ryoga shot back. "I've seen it myself first hand! How do you spin that, huh?"

Impassively, the chef stared back at Ryoga. Picking up a pair of mini spatulas, the chef quietly turned over his okonomiyaki. "I guess you're right, I'm sorry for speaking so ignorantly."

"Maybe you should keep those kinds of opinions to yourself." Grabbing up his okonomiyaki and his pack, Ryoga stormed off and Mousse reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose and sighed.

The chef spoke. "He's a fool if he thinks the lover of his enemy is his friend."

Mousse nodded. "You seem to know a lot, for an okonomiyaki vendor."

"I just know from experience. Kindness is the best avenue of deceit." The chef stared at Mousse. "You explained it to him yourself."

Mousse gave pause. "Love is a bothersome thing; it literally makes you an idiot."

"I agree." Finishing up with the okonomiyaki, the chef flipped it onto Mousse's plate. "This one's on the house."

Mousse nodded his head, and happily began eating. "Thanks."

Stalking off and throwing the okonomiyaki into a waste bin, Ryoga had only one destination in mind, the Tendo Dojo. Akane was a good person, Ranma was an asshole, and he was going to prove it, by killing Ranma once and for all and freeing Akane of that bullshit engagement. He was going to make Akane happy, and he was never going to be miserable again!

"The Shishi Hokodan will do it, once and for all." He muttered to himself. "My despair will be the key to my happiness!"

He then saw Akane walk up to the corner at the intersection ahead, and his eyes widened. "Akane!"

Hearing his voice, Akane looked towards him with surprise. "Ryoga!"

She quickly ran up to him, and before Ryoga could react, she caught him in a hug, surprising him. Akane buried her face in his chest, and sighed. "…I'm so sorry for just running off like that before. Can…can I make it up to you?"

Ryoga, his face bright red, stared in disbelief. "Make it up to me h-how?"

Akane pulled away, and looked around, before smiling. "Would…would you like to watch a movie with me, or something?"

A date, Akane was asking him on a date. His despair evaporated like a puddle on a hot summer day, and was replaced with overwhelming joy and excitement. "S-sure, anything you want Akane! Did uh, you want to go now?"

"Well, if you want to. I'm free all day." Akane said before taking his hand. "Come on, let's go."

Ryoga was already in heaven. _"I'm seeing a movie with Akane; this is the best day ever."_

As he was led off, Ranma, Kodachi, and Shampoo peered from around a corner, and Shampoo let out a whistle. "You know, Ranma, Akane is evil."

"Yes," Ranma said, "Yes she is."

Kodachi was in awe. "Simply magnificent, Akane-sama…"

Ranma looked up at Kodachi, wondering where the Hell that came from. Shampoo just let out a small laugh.

* * *

Just hours earlier, at the Cat Café, Ranma, Akane, Shampoo, and Kodachi were all gathered around a table in the kitchen of the restaurant. Akane was the only one standing, as she ran a PowerPoint presentation of her plan on the projector at one end of the room.

"Okay, the plan is painfully simple." Akane said as a caricature of Ryoga, drawn by another graduate of the Kuchiki School of art, appeared on the screen firing an energy blast. "As we know, Ryoga's Shishi Hokodan is powered by depression, and the deeper that depression, the more powerful it gets."

She clicked a remote, changing the page to a brilliantly drawn picture of Akane reaching out to Ryoga as God to Adam in Michelangelo's iconic work on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. "We also know that Ryoga has a big time crush on me, and this ladies and gentlemen who become ladies–."

"Hey!' Ranma snapped.

"–Is Ryoga's weakness that we will ruthlessly exploit to defeat the Shishi Hokodan." Akane flipped the slides again, showing a stick figure Akane holding hands with Ryoga, crudely drawn hearts over the head of the latter. "I will pretend to return Ryoga's affections, elevating him out of his depression."

"The consistency of the art is strange." Kodachi noted.

"Who drew this, anyway?" Shampoo asked.

Akane ignored the commentary and switched slides, showing a better drawn image of Ryoga and Akane skipping along. "Once I have elevated Ryoga's self-esteem to optimal levels, Ranma will step in."

The page turns to a Ranma as drawn by Tetsuo Hara, looking more like some ripped, shining man-God, pointing to Ryoga shrouded in darkness. "He'll challenge Ryoga to a fight with me as the prize. And with me cheering Ryoga on…"

Akane clicks to the next page, showing Ryoga firing off a puff of smoke with an "Oh crap" look on his face as Ranma bore down on him with a flying kick. "…His Shishi Hokodan will fail and…"

The next image shows Ryoga broken, bloodied, and unconscious at Ranma's feet as he points skyward. "…Ranma will mop the floor with Ryoga, and he'll have no choice but to accept his defeat."

Shampoo and Kodachi applauded and the former said. "There's no chance it can fail!"

"The idiot is dumb enough to fall into that sort of trap." Kodachi added.

"Yeah, but if Kaori is backing Ryoga, she's probably got her eyes on what's going on." Ranma reminded everyone. "And unlike Ryoga she has some brain cells firing in that head of hers. So let's keep an eye out for anything, okay?"

The girls all nodded in agreement. In the present, Ranma was sitting on a rooftop across from the theater Akane and Ryoga were at, snacking on a meat bun from the Cat Café. Shampoo was seated next to him, drinking some hot tea to stave off the chill in the air. Kodachi was inside the theater, keeping them abreast of the situation via text message.

"Akane's a lot more cheerful, you know." Shampoo noted. "What happened?"

Ranma looked at Shampoo, and then around, before answering. "Don't tell anyone, okay?"

"It's no one else's business, so?" Shampoo pressed.

Ranma explained it. "Akane's worried she might be pregnant."

Shampoo didn't even pretend to be shocked. "It's what you get, fooling around like you do."

Ranma took another bite out of his bun and grumbled some obscenities before Shampoo patted him on the back. He then said. "I'm actually glad Ryoga decided to pull this bullshit, it's a nice diversion."

"It's not going to last. What if she is pregnant?" Shampoo asked.

"We get married, I guess. After that, who knows?" Ranma replied. He tried to play it cool, Akane too, but both of them were wrecks over it. Neither would dare admit how scared they were, but Shampoo had known them both long enough to see they were terrified.

Shampoo rubbed Ranma's back. "And if not, let it be a lesson to you! Use protection, all the time, every time, or stop fooling around period."

"You sound like Cologne." Ranma snapped back.

Laughing, Shampoo hugged Ranma and leaned against him. She wore a genuine smile as she looked to him. "If she is pregnant, though, I'll help. I'm good with kids, back in village I helped raise little cousins and nieces and nephews."

Ranma stared at her. "How big is your family?"

Shampoo grinned. "Really big, whole village is Shampoo's family."

Smirking, Ranma nodded. "Hopefully you can keep me from ending up like my old man."

Shampoo shuddered. "That's definitely at the top of the list. But you know? I think you would be a great Dad, just because of how bad the panda bastard is."

Ranma blushed at the compliment. "Huh, thanks Shampoo."

His phone buzzed, it was a text from Kodachi. On reading it, Ranma stood up. "The movie's over, let's go."

Shampoo nodded and stood up.

* * *

"I wish I had seen it on opening day. Awakening of the Trailblazer was pretty good, don't you think?" Akane asked Ryoga as they walked out of the theater. Kodachi was a short distance behind them, shadowing them

Ryoga hadn't been paying attention to the movie at all; he was still off in his euphoric "I'm on a date with Akane" haze and it wasn't showing any sign of stopping. He wasn't sure what to say to her, or if he could even say anything to her. His tongue was in knots just trying to say a simple yes or no.

"I just hope the next big TV project is good. Every other Gundam project seems to be hit or miss. I mean, 00 was good, but then SEED and Destiny were terrible. Turn-A was great, and X not so much. Wing was awesome but G…well, G was pretty good too." Ryoga had next to no idea what Akane was talking about, and just nodded.

"_Oh Akane, even boring anime stuff sounds wonderful when you talk about it."_ Ryoga noted in his addled thoughts. _"I could listen to you talk forever."_

"Ryoga-kun, hey Ryoga, are you okay? You've been awfully quiet." Akane said to him. "Are you hungry?"

"Uh yeah, I haven't eaten in a while!" Ryoga had managed to untie his tongue to respond.

"Cool, let's go eat. My treat." Akane said.

Ryoga nodded. "Sure, that's fine!"

After all, he didn't have money. That thought filled him with dread. How was he going to support himself and Akane? With a directional sense as bad as his, he couldn't hope to maintain a steady income. He'd probably be gone for months at a time trying to commute to work! He looked to Akane, and decided that if it came to it, they'd make it work. Love always found a way!

It didn't take long for them to find a place to eat, and as they sat down, at a table, Ranma, Kodachi, and Shampoo were discreetly watching from an elevated VIP section. After putting in their orders and receiving some drinks, Akane looked to Ryoga.

"You've been pretty nervous this whole time, Ryoga, is there something wrong?" She asked.

Ryoga blushed again under her scrutiny. "Ah, no…I'm just…I guess I'm really happy that you asked me out. I mean, uh…if that's what you intended…"

"It was." Akane replied softly, and Ryoga's heart soared. "Ranma and I, I don't think it's going to work out if he can't beat you. Not that it was working out before, our parents forced us together after all, and we don't get along for the most part."

It was everything Ryoga wanted to hear, and it amazed Akane at how sincerely he ate it up. He rested his hands on the table. "Ranma's no good for you at all! Believe me, I went to school with him and he was nothing but a greedy jerk!"

"I know that now." Akane said. "I also know that he's an ignorant, self-serving ass who blames others for his problems and paints himself in the best light possible."

"I know!" Ryoga agreed, and a piece of Akane died on the inside.

Over in the VIP section of the restaurant, Shampoo buried her face in her palm when she heard that exchange. Ranma had to stuff a bread roll into his mouth to avoid laughing aloud. Kodachi, however, was swooning.

Akane nodded. "I mean, he's not like you at all Ryoga. You never did anything petty that put me directly in harms way at all."

Ryoga nodded in agreement again. "Don't worry; next time I'll make that bastard sorry."

"That son of a bitch, he's lying right to her face." Shampoo said to Kodachi

"He is?" Kodachi asked.

"After our first fight Ranma and Akane hid out, I couldn't find them anywhere, and thought they skipped town." Shampoo went on. "But then Ryoga called me and said that they were at the school, the day I wrecked it."

Ranma nodded. "It's true."

Kodachi glowered at Ryoga. "The nerve of that vagrant…"

Akane was a little furious herself, but she maintained her composure flawlessly. "Thank you, Ryoga."

It was nice that she was getting so angry; it gave her something to focus on other than the life-changing problems that were dominating her thoughts for the last few days. She smiled a deceptive, fake smile that she'd honed from years of observing Nabiki's. "Anyway, what do you plan to do after you defeat Ranma?"

Ryoga's own smile was small, sad. "After I defeat Ranma, I have to go on a long journey. There's something I have to make right that he did, and when I do we can be together…if um…that's fine with you, Akane."

Akane, still smiling, reached across the table. When she rested her hand on his, his heart raced. "That's perfectly fine by me, Ryoga. I'll wait for you as long as I have to, for us."

The longer he was gone in that event the better, she reasoned. Tears of joy formed in Ryoga's eyes. He wanted to embrace her here and now. "Oh Akane…I…I love you!"

Akane's brows rose at the declaration, and she felt something flicker inside her. It was completely unexpected, and a little shocking to her entire system as she stared at the face of this young man who just confessed his love for her in an instant. She never realized that she could feel this much fury and hatred at a single person and retain consciousness.

Mechanically, her eyes glazed over slightly by her rage, she smiled back to Ryoga and spoke with the utmost sincerity. "I love you too, Ryoga."

Ryoga was just overwhelmed, but the arriving waiter quickly prevented him from becoming a complete emotional wreck. _"She loves me…Akane loves me…she loves me, and not Ranma! In your face, Ranma! I defeated you, and I stole your fiancée! Everything is coming up Ryoga!"_

Her food set in front of her, Akane quickly used the opportunity to divert the subject away from anything remotely resembling romance. Shampoo sat back in her seat, her disgust nearly at a climax. "I hate him. I hate him so much."

"Yes, as do I." Kodachi said.

Shampoo looked to Ranma. "The beating you deliver onto him had better be so violent and thorough that it satisfies Shampoo sexually, you got that, Ranma?"

Ranma smirked. "I don't know what Akane will say about me getting another girl off, but okay."

He picked up another bread roll and took a bite out of it. "So, after they're done let's wrap this up."

Shampoo pulled out her cell phone. "I'll call Nabiki and Great Grandma, they gonna love to see this."

"Tell them to meet us at the school." Ranma ordered.

"You got it." Shampoo said before Nabiki answered. "Hey sexy bitch, come play with Shampoo yes? It fun game called 'Watch Ranma kick the shit out of Ryoga', meet us at Furinkan High School in about an hour."

Ranma could hear Nabiki shout "I'll go get my camera!" and let out a short laugh.

* * *

The sun was going down, a sign of the shorter days being well upon them, when Ryoga and Akane reached the grounds of Furinkan High School. The whole time since the ice had been broken, Ryoga was more than eager to talk–just not about anything interesting like possible adventures he had while endlessly wandering. It was all about Ranma and nearly everything bad about him from incidents at school to completely unrelated things that Ryoga just blamed on Ranma to make himself feel better.

She was oh-so-close to breaking character and just laying into him herself, before Ryoga stopped and stared. Looking from Ryoga towards the sun setting over the sports field, Akane saw Ranma with Shampoo and Kodachi at his sides, hanging off his arms like a couple of High school delinquents complete with tiny miniskirts and loose-fitting socks .

"_This is going to be amazing." _Akane thought as Ranma, who himself was dressed like some wannabe J-Rap thug or American douchebag, turned his nose up towards the couple.

On the sidelines, a small crowd of Furinkan High's students were also present, drawn to the confrontation by Nabiki, who wanted as many witnesses to this as possible. Sitting atop a hill, she was of the same thought as her little sister as she took in Ranma, Shampoo, and Kodachi's ridiculous get-up.

"I heard from Nabiki that you had run off with Ryoga." Ranma said as he shrugged Shampoo and Kodachi off his arms and walked over to them, complete with arms out, and his chest out to come off as intimidating.

Akane looked down, ashamed. "I…I just wanted to go out with someone I liked."

"What, you don't like me anymore?" Ranma asked as he pushed Akane back at the shoulder and got in her face. "So you're going to hang out with the retard that gets lost walking down a straight hallway?"

Ryoga was immediately in Ranma's face, furious. "Don't you dare touch her again, Ranma."

"Or what, you're going to use your Dragon Ball Z bullshit again on me?" Ryoga had fallen pretty hard for this charade, Ranma noticed, was he even aware of the change in Ranma's character, or was this how he saw him?

Ryoga smirked. Poor, poor Ranma, being forced resort to bravado in front of Akane. "That's not all I'll do! I'm going to kick your ass so hard, that you'll never be able to take up martial arts again."

He looked to Akane, who stared at him with wide eyes. "Don't be afraid of this asshole anymore, Akane, I'm going to crush him and toss him into the wind."

Staring at him, Ranma snickered and then laughed in his face before turning and walking away from him. "Crush me? Alright then, right here, right now. You and me, we end this with one epic battle!"

Akane, seemingly steeled by Ryoga's words, snapped at Ranma. "Are you daft, punk? You don't stand a chance against Ryoga! He's already beaten you twice!"

Ranma glared at Akane. "Shut the Hell up, I know what I'm doing."

"You'd better stand aside, Akane, this is going to get ugly." Ryoga said as Shampoo and Kodachi made their way to the sidelines. Akane then took his hands, causing him to pause. "…Akane…"

"Ryoga…" Akane said reverently. "…I believe in you. You've already beaten Ranma twice. Go ahead and give it your all."

Ryoga blushed, and then untied his bandanna before handing it to her. "Hold my bandanna for me, okay?"

Akane clutched it to her chest. "You can do it, Ryoga! I love you!"

Ryoga grinned big. "I love you too.

As he turned to face Ranma–who was getting limbered up for the fight–Mousse watched from the roof of the school. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on, Akane had buttered Ryoga up so completely that the Shishi Hokodan was going to be useless in this fight. Two footfalls behind him caught his attention, and he found both Kaori and her Ninja standing there.

"So, they're finally getting to it?" Kaori asked as she walked over to Mousse's side.

Mousse glared at Kaori's Ninja. "How long have you been following me?"

"I'm always following you." The Ninja replied before she looked down at the fight. "It looks like Hibiki's already squandered the Shishi Hokodan."

Kaori watched as Ryoga also began preparing for the fight, and nodded. "It looks like it."

Down on the green, Cologne was well aware of the audience as she watched Ranma and Ryoga square off. She looked to Nabiki and hummed. "Inform my Great Granddaughter that there is an unwanted audience, if things start to go badly for Ryoga, they may step in."

Nabiki nodded and rattled off a text message as she finished setting her camera up on a tripod. On the battleground, Ranma and Ryoga finished their stretches slash posturing and faced off, the setting sun painting the field in a dazzling orange-yellow glow. Ryoga pointed at Ranma. "This is it, Ranma."

"Yeah it is." Ranma replied. "We're putting this all on the line, aren't we?"

Ryoga nodded. "When I beat you, you have to give up Akane, completely. No sending your friends to come fix your messes when you can't cut it!"

Ranma tightened his fists at that, and nodded. "_If_ you beat me, you mean. When I beat you, I don't want to see you anywhere near me or Akane. You got that?"

"Whatever you want, Ranma," Ryoga crossed his wrists over his chest and closed his eyes, "It doesn't matter, because it is you who's going to lose!"

"You can do it, Ryoga! I believe in you!" Akane called out, boosting Ryoga's self-confidence.

Going into fight mode, Ranma reminded himself. _"The Shishi Hokodan is powered by depression. Akane's built him up so high that it's going to snuff out!"_

"Go ahead and use that technique again, Ryoga!" Ranma yelled as he ran straight towards him. _"…Because I've already beaten it!"_

He jumped into the air, and aimed a flying kick straight for his face. In mid-flight, he saw Ryoga suddenly thrust his hands forward.

And then everything went red.

* * *

Akane couldn't believe it. Kodachi and Shampoo couldn't believe it, no one who knew what was going on could believe what they had just seen. The red beam of light that consumed Ranma seared across the sports field, before smashing against the wall that ringed the school and splashing outward like a torrent of water.

Shampoo shook her head "But…the Shishi Hokodan…it's not supposed to work when the user has confidence!"

"Oh no…" Akane gasped in horror as she watched the beam evaporate, revealing Ranma plastered against the wall before he fell onto his face. "Ranma…!"

"I don't understand." Cologne said. "The Shishi Hokodan shouldn't work with the mental state that young man is in."

Mousse and the Ninja were also dumbfounded. Kaori, however, let out a laugh as she heard the disbelieving spectators below. To her underlings, she spoke, "The Shishi Hokodan is powered by despair, but that isn't its secret."

She let out a laugh. "Ryoga knows it, and that is how he was able to use it even with all of the joy in the world!"

Ryoga looked at his hands, and then smiled at Ranma as he tried to get up. "This…this is because Akane believes in me!"

"Damn…that hit just as hard as before…" Ranma managed to get up and stared at Ryoga. What the Hell did he do to pull that off? Seeing Ranma back on his feet, Ryoga grinned and charged straight for him.

"Not so cocky now, are you Ranma!" He yelled as he threw a punch at Ranma that he still narrowly avoided. As Ranma tried to counterattack, however, he was struck point blank again by the blast and sent flying through the air to tumble along the ground before coming to a halt on his back.

"I don't fucking believe it…somehow Ryoga pulled a fast one…" Nabiki growled. She was frozen in rage and disbelief.

"There's no way he's that smart." Shampoo retorted before she looked to Nabiki. "Hey, requesting permission to go hot and help out."

"Permission granted, get going." Nabiki said, and Shampoo disappeared from where she stood.

Speechless, Akane could only watch as an unhesitant Ryoga unleashed another blast. Seeing it coming, Ranma managed to throw himself out of the way and scramble up to his feet. Ryoga let out a cheerful laugh. "What's the matter, Ranma? You used to be a lot quicker than that!"

"_Okay, Akane's brilliant plan has blown up in my face, and I don't have a contingency plan."_ Ranma narrowed his eyes. _"It's time to improvise."_

Launching himself, Ranma closed in on Ryoga, who let him get close before firing another blast. Ranma, however, somersaulted out of the way before jumping to kick him in the side of the head. Ryoga flew, and tried to catch himself, but Ranma was faster, striking him multiple times with a barrage of punches before kicking him into the ground.

Ranma landed a ways back from the crater Ryoga's body made, jumping on his feet to avoid a counterattack. When the dust cleared from the impact, however, there was nothing but a hole in the ground.

Then the grass bulged upward beneath him, an instant before a beam of light erupted and propelled Ranma straight upward. As Ranma rode the energy wave into the sky, Ryoga climbed out of the second hole, dusting himself off. Looking up, he listened for the growing scream, and followed Ranma down before he smashed into the middle of the baseball field with a loud thump.

Up on the rooftop, Kaori broke into hysterical laughter that she muffled by biting into her Ninja's long ponytail. Mousse hid his mouth behind his sleeve and chuckled as well. "This is just not fair. Between the breaking point and the Shishi Hokodan, Ranma's going to be worn down to dust before he can figure out a way past either."

"Ranma…get up…" Akane whispered. There wasn't going to be a second chance after this, if Ranma lost…

No! She could not think about that. She needed to give Ranma some breathing room. "Ryoga, that was amazing!"

Ryoga stopped and looked back at Akane, before he smiled brightly. "This is all for you, Akane!"

Akane clasped her hands together, and smiled back. She wasn't even an actor, but she was putting on the performance of a life time. "I love you, Ryoga! You can do it!"

"I know I can!" Ryoga turned back to Ranma, and caught a foot to his face instead. Right on top of that was a punishing storm of punches. Just like their first fight, the blows came so fast that Ranma's arms were invisible. Letting out a yell, Ranma smashed an uppercut into Ryoga's chin, launching him into the air.

Ryoga shot upward, but Ranma was faster, appearing above him to kick him back into the ground with just enough spin to drill him deep into the ground. Falling, he landed and collapsed onto his knees.

"_I fucking hate that move."_ Ranma decided of the Shishi Hokodan, before another beam blew a hole in the ground nearby and Ryoga walked out, seemingly unharmed. _"What the Hell!"_

Ryoga looked over to Ranma, on his knees, his clothes smoldering, and looking like he'd been fighting for five days rather than five minutes. He smirked and walked over, as Ranma willed himself back up to his feet. "Didn't I say I was going to take it away from you, Ranma? I was going to destroy your happiness, for the things you've done, and it took time but here we are."

He walked up to Ranma. "You humiliated me in school, you ran out on our fight, and because of that…I became this joke of a human being!"

"I've been waiting for this day, for so long." Ryoga said with increasing confidence. "This is the day where you become the miserable son of a bitch, and I get to win!"

Ranma punched him in the face. Blocking it, Ryoga punched him back, and he slid along the cold grass. Akane shook her head as she realized what was going on. "The breaking point, because of it Ryoga's next to invulnerable. But how did Shampoo get through it?"

"Hey Ranma!" Shampoo suddenly called out. Both he and Ryoga looked to her, standing on a wall. In her hands was a thirty-five millimeter cannon, nicked from the JSDF. "Ryoga knows the Breaking Point! It makes his body super durable!"

Kaori hissed. "Shut her up!"

Before Mousse or the Ninja could attack, Shampoo aimed the weapon at them and fired, a barrage of shells ripping into the roof of the school where they stood. "Hit the same spot as many times as you can, and then you do damage!"

A barrage of projectiles from Mousse suddenly rained down on Shampoo, who jumped out of their path. Sliding along the wall, she aimed up and fired, forcing Mousse to defend with a statue pulled from his sleeves. An explosion ensued, and Mousse was sent flying.

Kaori's Ninja suddenly landed on the wall, and drew her sword to slice through Shampoo's weapon, when Kodachi's ribbon snapped around the weapon and her hands. Landing at the base of the wall, Kodachi pulled the ribbon taut, forcing the Ninja to lower her sword as Shampoo brought her gun to bear.

The ensuing blast had the Ninja tumbling backward and off the end of the wall. Jumping up onto the wall, Kodachi looked to Shampoo and nodded, before Shampoo raised her cannon and nodded back. Both looked up at the roof, and at Kaori, who looked quite unhappy.

"What would you say to us wrecking that bitch?" Shampoo asked Kodachi in Chinese.

Kodachi smirked and replied the same. "I'd say, why aren't we doing it right now?"

Both immediately leaped into action and charged straight for Kaori.

* * *

As Shampoo and Kodachi attacked Kaori, Ryoga continued to face Ranma. _"So what if you know how to get past my Breaking Point body! You still have to get by this!"_

He fired another blast, and Ranma dove out of the way before disappearing out of sight. Ryoga laughed as Ranma suddenly tried to sweep him and jumped aside. "Your injuries mean it's hard for you to move as fast as you usually do, which means I can keep up!"

Ranma didn't like that Ryoga was right or that the longer Ryoga had this edge, the stronger he would get. He needed to get the edge on this, but how. He was losing, and thanks to his own stupid self-confidence, if he didn't win…

"_I really am going to lose my happiness."_ He looked to the side, and saw Akane staring back at him. Turning back to Ryoga, Ranma quietly uttered a "Fuck it" and sprang to the attack. _"I'm still fast enough to get close, Ryoga!"_

Ryoga just laughed and charged up another attack. "The same attack over and over again!"

Ranma zigzagged towards him, but at the last possible moment shot straight into the firing line, surprising Ryoga long enough to slam hundreds of punches into Ryoga's stomach at once. For his trouble, Ranma was blasted backward, and tumbled over the green before coming to rest face down.

"Ugh!" Ryoga doubled over, coughing violently from the extent of the damage done by Ranma's hit. It was like when Shampoo smashed him with her chúi, but much, much worse. One good hit had done that much damage? "Damn you…Ranma…!"

"He hit him, but…" Nabiki said to Cologne, who was keeping her focus between Ranma's fight, and the skirmish with Kaori. "I think it's too little too late."

"It was." Cologne said. "He's taken too much damage over this battle; that attack is just too much for him."

Ranma slowly stood up, as Ryoga regained his composure "That was the last time you'll hit me, Ranma. You're dead on your feet from the hits you've taken…and you haven't recovered from the last two times. I don't even know how you're capable of standing."

Ryoga crossed his wrists. "Thanks to Akane's support, I'm no longer a lion roaring in anguish. I'm a ferocious tiger with the high ground and you're the helpless pig! And with this confidence, I am unstoppable!"

Ranma stared at him. _"Confidence…?"_

To the side, Akane's eyes widened. "Wait."

Realization began to sweep Ranma. _"Why didn't I realize it before? This is how Ryoga was able to use the Shishi Hokodan despite being happy!"_

"It's not depression." Akane whispered. "It's not what emotion you use…!"

"_It's all about how strong that emotion is!"_ She and Ranma realized together.

Ranma stood up straight, and looked past Ryoga towards Akane, before he closed his eyes. "It's over, Ryoga."

Ryoga's amusement, fueled by his hubris, grew. "What, are you giving up?"

"No." Ranma replied smugly. "I just know how I'm going to beat you."

Ryoga let out a loud, derisive laugh. "You don't have anything left, Ranma! You can barely stand!"

"Standing is all I need to do! I know how your attack works, so it doesn't matter!" Ranma confidently replied.

Up on the roof of the school, Shampoo knelt down as Kodachi leaned against her, both of them looking worse for wear after taking their own fair share of hits from Kaori's Shishi Hokodan. Mousse and her Ninja had just joined her, when Kaori heard Ranma's declaration and looked back. "What?"

Ryoga laughed again, and began to gather energy. He was going to go all out, a full-power blast with all his confidence was in order! Before he could boast further to build himself up, Ranma cut him off. "The Shishi Hokodan is what you use when you're depressed, and this High Ground Tiger attack or whatever is what you use when you're overconfident. But I have them beat, what I have is stronger than your Confidence and Depression combined!"

Pointing his hands at Ranma, Ryoga grinned as a red sphere of energy quickly formed and began to glow. "What is that?"

Ranma opened his eyes, and smiled. "Love."

* * *

Back up on the roof of the school, the combatants on the roof were surprised by a bright flash of yellow light from the green below. Turning around, Kaori froze in shock when she realized that it was a battle aura, a strong one. "What in the world…?"

Akane shielded her eyes as she stared directly at Ranma, who was wearing his confident smile as he uncrossed his hands. "Yeah, love, not whatever you think it is pig boy."

The sphere of energy Ryoga had prepared to fire as a gigantic energy beam shrank to the size of a marble as he stared at Ranma's huge aura. "What the Hell?"

As Ranma pointed his hands at Ryoga, and let thoughts of Akane pour into the energy gathering in his hands, from the moment they first met, their growing intimacy, their forced separation and joyous reunion, their fights and make-ups, to now…as they prepared to face the possibility of becoming parents.

Akane folded her hands over her racing heart, unaware of the tears running down her face as she watched Ranma shine gold in the light of his own battle aura. Seeing this herself, Nabiki grinned behind her camera. "Ha, Love-Love Hyper Mode…"

"This is the real deal, the kind that a guy like me doesn't even have the balls to declare out loud because it's just embarrassing." Ranma admitted. "But that's fine, I was better at showing how I feel than telling!"

Ryoga shook his head. No, he wasn't going to lose like this. Mustering all of his confidence, Ryoga let out a yell as he fired off a positively weak ball of energy towards Ranma. Even as it reached him Ranma yelled out. "It's my turn!"

Raising his hands above his hands Ranma let out a yell as he swung them down at Ryoga and his weak ball of energy and unleashed a massive blast from his palms.

_**"YUUJIN BAKUHA!"**_

Ryoga's attack was swallowed by a solid beam of light that hit him like a bullet train. The attack smashed through the distant school wall and kept going, tearing through several abandoned lots adjacent to the school, before petering out. When the beam finally cleared, Ryoga was laid out in the middle of the street on the other side of the wall, most of his clothes burned away by Ranma's attack.

Cologne landed next to Ryoga, and waved her hand over his face. Turning towards Ranma and his rapidly receding glow, she nodded. "Ryoga is knocked out; you are the winner, child!"

Ranma's glorious golden glow faded, and he smiled big. "Good."

He then fell forward, his body finally giving out from the damage it took, but landed into Akane's embrace as she ran to him. "Ranma!"

The other bystanders, already in applause, broke into cheers when Akane looked up and kissed Ranma passionately. He returned the kiss as he wrapped his arms around her in return. When they broke the kiss, Ranma saw the tears pouring down her face before he spoke. "Your plan backfired."

"I'm sorry." Akane returned. "I'm so sorry."

Ranma kissed her again, not caring who saw at all. "I won, so who cares?"

Laughing, Akane kissed him back and then resumed hugging him. "Yeah, who cares?"

"Of course he blows it." Mousse complained. "We should get going now."

Kaori nodded, and looked to her Ninja. 'We can collect Hibiki later, let's go." She sighed. "What a waste of my time."

The Ninja threw down several smoke bombs, and all three vanished with the diversion. Kodachi and Shampoo made their way to the edge of the roof, and looked down at Ranma and Akane, before they looked to each other and smiled.

Walking over to the happy couple, Nabiki watched the video of the fight and congratulated herself on her spectacular videography skills. "So then, I'm going to sell this, but I want a forty percent cut."

"That's so generous of you!" Akane gasped.

Nabiki stared at her younger sister and sighed. "I blame you two and your feel good story of the year attitude infecting my usual self-serving, cynical nature. Take responsibility."

* * *

Opening his eyes, Ryoga stared at the sky, feeling like someone had crashed commercial airliners at top speed into every square inch of his body. Sitting up, he saw Ranma holding Akane, and being congratulated by the others and his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach.

"I lost?" He realized. "Ranma defeated me?"

Ryoga slowly sat up, as an errant breeze blew something into his face. It was the bandanna he gave to Akane to hold onto. Rising to his feet, he looked from the bandanna to Akane, who was being possessively hugged by Ranma as he exchanged banter with Nabiki, Kodachi, and Shampoo.

"No." He began to fall, plummeting far and fast into the depths of despair like any other. He'd never be able to see Akane again, and she was stuck…doomed to be with Ranma forever. "No…no…"

Falling completely into darkness, Ryoga looked to his right, and then to his left. His eyes widening, he turned to face towards Ranma and the others again. He was in despair, losing Akane forever had left him in despair.

He threw his head back and screamed as his battle aura encompassed his entire body. "...RANMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Oh my, that is not good." Cologne said as the battle aura grew and became a wave of energy shot upward.

"That's obvious, but what is it!" Nabiki shouted as Ryoga kept screaming and pouring more of the negative energy into the air, the blast of hot wind from the attack buffeting them.

Cologne frowned. "The sheer weight of Ryoga's anguish has allowed him to perfect the Shishi Hokodan!"

"Perfect it? You mean what he's been smacking me around with was the basic version?" Ranma yelled as the cloud of energy overhead began to grow, spreading over their heads.

The other students were quickly running, as Kodachi took a step back. "We should run…"

"Yes, that is a good idea!" Akane agreed.

"RANMA! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!" Ryoga yelled. "TAKE THIS! MY LOVE! MY ANGER! AND ALL OF MY SORROW! SHIN SHISHI HOKO-!"

A car, traveling at incredible speed, smashed into Ryoga, sending him tumbling onto the hood, skipping across the roof, and crashing face first to the ground. The red cloud of energy almost immediately dispersed, as another car, moving at a much more reasonable speed, steered around him and came to a stop behind the first car.

Ranma and his group stared at what just ensued, and he titled his head slightly. "What."

"Deus Ex Machina is a bitch." Nabiki said, having wish she'd filmed the car hitting Ryoga. Still, she got her camera pointed at the new twist.

Shampoo agreed wholeheartedly with the middle Tendo. "Yeah, she'll fuck you if you let her."

Ryoga, who had already been on his last legs before, slowly got up. He'd been hit by cars lots of times, but that, why did that one hurt so badly? He looked towards the two cars, the second one being a blue compact, behind a badly beaten up silver sedan.

"What the…?" He asked as the passenger side doors of the silver car opened, and a girl his age stepped out before pointing at him.

"That's him alright! We finally found you!" The girl yelled out as a taller girl with glasses stepped out from the rear passenger door.

"For goodness' sake, we just hit the guy! Call an ambulance or something!" The tall glasses girl yelled at her companion.

"Nah, it's good." The driver of the car said as she climbed out. "Nerima folk are inhuman monsters, this was just a love tap compared to what they can usually take."

"What are you talking about?" The glasses girl demanded. "We just hit a guy with a car doing eighty!"

She then gawked at Ryoga as he stood up shakily. "Wait. What!"

"I told you." The driver said.

The first girl caught Ryoga's attention. "It took us months, but we've finally managed to track you down, you deadbeat!"

"Deadbeat?" Ranma asked before he looked to Nabiki, who quickly shrugged her shoulders as she kept filming the confrontation.

"Hey, this is news to me." She said. "But it's gold."

Ryoga's eyes went wide, as he recognized the girl accosting him. "W-wait…oh no…"

The doors of the blue car opened, and a tall, athletic girl with an intimidating look emerged, joined by a shorter but equally athletic and intimidating young woman. The driver of that car, another older woman, climbed out and shook her head at the other driver for her recklessness.

Ryoga, completely terrified now, froze and shook his head. "Um…I think you have me mistaken for someone else…"

"Oh don't give us that, Casanova!" The first girl said. "You're going nowhere now, except with us to finally take some responsibility for what you've done!"

Akane's expression was dumbfounded at first, before a big smile comprised entirely of schadenfreude began to crawl across her face. "Oh man."

"This is going to be epic." Nabiki said as Ranma, Kodachi, and Shampoo joined the sisters in smiling oh-so-sinisterly.

Another high school aged girl stepped out of the car, and all the color drained from his face, his body, even his hair and what remained of his clothes. The girl in question smiled big and waved to him happily as she spoke with distinct Kansai dialect. "Hey Ryoga-kun, it's nice to see you again!"

"O-Osaka…" Ryoga squeaked in terror as his gaze traversed downward to the girl's stomach, which was clearly rounded. "…Oh no…"

"Miss Sakaki, Kagura, please collect our proud Father-to-be." The driver of the first car said to the girls who had emerged from the second. Nodding, they walked over to Ryoga and hoisted him up by the arms.

"No, no, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-NO!" Too weak to fight back, Ryoga was dragged over to the apparent bane of his existence, who happily embraced him.

"You said if I ever found you again, we'd be together, Ryoga-kun." Osaka said to him. "Well, here I am! It took a long time, but I found you. It's a good thing too; I don't think I'm going to be able to fit in a wedding dress if we wait any longer."

"This is the most amazing day of my life." Nabiki said, tears of schadenfreude running down her face.

Ranma collapsed, laughing hysterically as Ryoga weakly tried to get free of the surprisingly strong grip of the two girls holding his arms. He began babbling. "No wait, you don't understand Osaka…!"

He looked towards Akane, who had her hands clapped over her mouth to muffle her own laughter, and then back to the other girl. "What we had, it was just a one time thing! I swear!"

"Once is enough." Kagura admonished. "Didn't anyone teach you these things?"

"Yeah, and we're not letting one of our own bring a bastard into the world!" The first girl cried out.

"Tomo!" The glasses girl snapped at her friend.

"But, there's another girl, she and I…!" Ryoga tried to plea.

"Don't worry, Ryoga!" Ranma called out. "She's in good hands; you go and let us know when the wedding is!"

"I'll do your wedding photos and film the ceremony if you like!" Nabiki called.

Shampoo quickly tossed a business card to them. "Cat Café will do the catering, we have good rates!"

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Osaka called back as Sakaki caught it. "Thanks you guys!"

Kodachi used her ribbon to wipe away a tear. "Oh, these engagements get me so emotional…"

Sakaki and Kagura managed to force Ryoga into the back seat of the blue car. In one final act of desperation, he tried to climb out and reached for Akane. "Akane…no…I love you Akane! Please stop them! Akane, help me!"

Tomo leaned over towards the blue car. "Chiyo-chan, use the tranquilizers please?"

A younger and very cute girl leaned from the car and jabbed Ryoga in the neck with a jet injector. Going rigid for a brief moment, Ryoga went limp, before he was shoved off into the car. As soon as he was secured, the other occupants climbed in, with Sakaki turning to bow politely to Ranma and the others before joining her friends.

Both cars then quietly drove off, taking their prize with them. As they departed, and the crowd began to disperse, Akane sat down next to Ranma, and leaned against him. Seeing this, Cologne took it upon herself usher the others away to leave them to themselves. Ranma was still chuckling, as Akane took his hand into hers.

"What a bastard." She said quietly. "Coming after me when he made that kind of promise to another girl, and he got her pregnant no less."

"Yeah…" Ranma rested his head against hers and sighed. "I feel sorry for that girl, if that's the Father of her child."

"I know, right?" Akane said before she nuzzled him. "I'm glad the father of _my_ child is so amazing."

Ranma sighed. "I am, aren't I?"

Akane nodded as she rested her head on his shoulder, and they watched the fading rays of the sun as it set beyond the skyline.

* * *

The next day, at Doctor Tofu's clinic, Tofu was looking over the results of his tests and examinations. "Well, it brings me relief to say that Akane you are not pregnant. Your cycle was just undergoing a shift in variance; they tend to do that at your age. Still, it's highly irresponsible for you to be having sex like this if you're not ready for the consequences or taking precautions."

"We are careful, but it was just a couple of times, we didn't have any condoms…" Ranma felt the need to defend himself despite Tofu being right.

"That's not really an excuse, Ranma. It just takes one time to get a girl pregnant." Tofu began to write out a prescription. "If you're going to continue with this, you're going to either be a lot more diligent on using protection, or get on birth control."

"Yes Doctor Tofu." Akane said with an embarrassed flush on her face.

He tore the prescription off his clipboard and handed it to Akane. "This is a pharmacy I rely on for most of my medicines; they're extremely confidential if you're worried about people finding out. So you can get proper birth control from them."

Akane bowed to Tofu. "Thank you so much."

Smiling, Doctor Tofu looked between the two of them and then patted them both on the shoulders. "You're both good kids, don't make little mistakes like this and enjoy your youth, okay?"

"Thanks Doctor Tofu." Both said with deep bows, before saying goodbye and leaving.

As they walked in the direction of the address on the prescription, Ranma tightened the scarf around his neck and looked up at the cloudy sky overhead. "After what you said yesterday, I'm a little disappointed, you know?"

"What, that we're not being put through a necessary marriage like Ryoga?" Akane asked, though she still laughed at Ryoga's plight.

"Kind of, it's just that when you talked about me being the Father of our kid." He put his arm around her waist and smiled sheepishly. "It felt kind of good."

"Anything that strokes your ego feels good." Akane replied. "If you like, when I'm ready we're going to start on a big family."

Ranma laughed. "How big?"

"I'm thinking six, maybe seven? Japan has a low birth rate after all, and I want to fight that trend!" Akane declared with fire in her eyes.

Wow, six or seven? Ranma didn't know what to say, so he hugged her a little tighter. Akane returned the gesture, and then pulled away to hold his hand. "Though, before we think about any of that, we should get married."

"We will." Ranma replied, and Akane smiled. "We're engaged after all."

"Yeah, we are." Akane sighed.

"Next year, after we're done with High School, that's when we'll have the wedding." Ranma then said, and Akane tightened her grip on his hand as she nodded in agreement.

"That's fine by me." She replied.

Ranma nodded, as they turned a corner and continued on. "I love you Akane."

"You know what?" She said after a brief shudder. "You don't have to tell me that anymore."

* * *

A/N: To all of you fans of Ryoga out there. I'm sorry. Well, not really. I'm not sorry at all. You're all still beautiful, and I still love you, though. Next up, Picolet Chardin III gets his shit wrecked...or does he?


	25. Gluttony 1

Disclaimer: Attention TJG: ENERGY ATTACKS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT!

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**

Gluttony 1

_Be not among winebibbers; among riotous eaters of flesh: For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty: and drowsiness shall clothe a man with rags. –Proverbs 23:20-21_

**[25.]**

_Opening the wooden fence, twelve year old Kasumi entered the front yard of what was once a bustling chicken farm on the western edge of town. Once bustling, but now all but deserted. There were no more chickens, the coops were empty and the farmhouse was completely boarded up with dried out straw packed around the doors and sticking out from under the roof._

_Kasumi walked towards the farmhouse, and then began to make her way around it, stopping every few steps to rest her hand on the supports of the front porch's overhang. Looking from the house back to the empty chicken coops, she let out a sad sigh._

_Then she heard footsteps, and grew alert. Quickly whirling around, she narrowly parried a set of strikes so fast that she could barely see them, and then swiftly whipped her head back and forth to avoid several more before she grabbed her attacker by the arm and performed a swift throw, sending him hurtling through the air to land on his back with a soft thump._

"_Tama-chan, even to the end, you don't hesitate." Kasumi said as she walked over to the boy her age. _

_He sat up and rubbed the back of his head. "I figured that since this was the last time, I'd give it one more shot. I should've guessed the outcome, though."_

"_Yes, you'll never beat me, even if I quit for fifty years." Kasumi said without hesitation._

_Tama-chan fell to his knees and pounded the dirt with his fists. "How can someone so nice be so cruel?"_

_Nevertheless he laughed, and Kasumi joined him. Just moments later, they were seated on the wall that surrounded the farm, staring over the abandoned complex as the summer clouds drifted across the otherwise sunny sky above their heads._

"_Hey, do you remember when Nabiki let out all of the chickens?" Tama-chan asked._

_Kasumi smiled brightly at that. "Yes, we spent the whole day chasing after them. That was so much fun." She then looked over at him. "Then there was the typhoon, and how we set up the coops in the dojo during it."_

"_That was fun, watching scary movies while the wind was howling outside." Tama-chan said, before he sighed and looked down. _

_Kasumi sighed as well. "Yes…"_

_A long silence ensued between them, before Kasumi quietly spoke. "Tama-chan, I don't want you to leave."_

"_I don't want to, but Mother and Father say that that this is an opportunity we've been waiting for." He said as he stared at his feet. _

_Tama-chan then looked over to Kasumi, who was wiping away at her eye. He smiled broadly, despite the tears that were threatening his eyes. "Don't worry about me, though! I'm going to be able to go to a better school, and then go to college where I can become as good a cook as your mother was, maybe even better!"_

_Kasumi laughed and smiled. "I can't wait to see what kind of chef you'll be."_

_Within minutes, Kasumi and Tama-chan were standing outside the gate of the chicken farm, watching as it burned furiously. Some time later, only Kasumi stood in front of the now raging inferno. _

Seven years later, the lot was still bare, and covered in snow up past Kasumi's ankles. Winter had arrived in Nerima, and the first storm of the season had blanketed all of Tokyo in a foot and it was still falling at a good clip, darkening the midday sky. It was always around this time, when Christmas was approaching, that she felt nostalgic about this old place, and her childhood.

"Eggnog is always best when the eggs are farm fresh." She lamented before she continued walking for home. Under her arm she carried a bag of groceries. With the Saotomes over, this year's Christmas activities were going to be much livelier, and require more preparation…and probably some money set aside for repair bills.

A vehicle coming up street from behind her caught her attention, and Kasumi's eyes widened in surprise when she saw a massive SUV limousine headed towards Furinkan High School. She couldn't help but gawk at the vehicle as it passed–only to go stiff when she got a glimpse into the tinted rearmost passenger window at the silhouetted figure sitting in the limo.

It was brief, but Kasumi felt a terrible presence coming from that vehicle. She had a feeling that today was going to be eventful, especially if Furinkan High School really was its destination.

"Madam Kasumi Tendo." A voice from behind startled her, and she turned around to find a pair of blindfolded young women dressed as cute French Maids with long French Braids.

"Your presence has been requested by Picolet Chardin II, we shall escort you to him." The Maids said together.

Kasumi's eyes widened a little as she recalled the name. "Oh, but of course. I need to get these groceries home, however."

"That will be taken care of." Kasumi suddenly felt a presence behind her, and her bag was removed from her hand before she could react. Turning around, she found a young bowl-cut butler, also blind-folded, holding her groceries as he bowed politely before her.

"Allow me to see to your burdens, Madam Kasumi Tendo." He said politely, before he vanished before her eyes.

Kasumi looked back towards the two maids. These people were able to get the jump on her without her noticing them. She had a feeling that she wouldn't be allowed to refuse this Picolet person's request. "Very well, take me to him."

"Follow us, Madam." Both maids said before they began walking towards Furinkan.

* * *

"Nihao! Your Cat Café lunchtime delivery has arrived!" An ecstatic Shampoo declared as she pulled a train of carts loaded with food into Furinkan High School's Commissary. She was well bundled up, Shampoo hated the winter, and many of the boys hated it too because it made Shampoo wear more.

Ranma, already eating from his tray, was on his phone, discussing Christmas plans with a friend. "So you'll come to the dojo for Christmas and we'll go to your hotel for the New Years party, right? That sounds good to me." He listened to the person on the other end of the line. "Great, everyone's looking forward to it, talk to you later Ramona."

"Is there anything you want for Christmas, Ranma?" Akane asked as she gnawed on an egg roll, muffling her voice.

Ranma put away his phone and grinned when he had an idea for a Christmas Gift, but Akane knew what he was thinking and she whispered back harshly. "No, you can't have that!"

He pouted. "Come on, you loved it before."

"Yes, before I had to spend the rest of the day sitting on pillows." She shot back. "What do you want for Christmas that's not perverted?"

Ranma wondered if that implied she had already gotten him a perverted gift. His grin returned bigger than before and Akane bopped him off the head. "Get your head out of the gutter before I put it in traction, I'm serious!"

Ranma hummed. "I would like every Bruce Lee movie ever made."

Akane blinked and stared. "Wow, that's all? Sure!"

Behind them, a student had just acquired a tray of piping hot food from one of Shampoo's carts, and was on her way back to her table when she felt a gust of wind across her body. "Huh?"

She looked for the source, but saw nothing. Before she could continue, she finally noticed that her piled-high tray of Chinese food was gone. "My food, it's gone!"

A few other students looked back at the unlucky girl, before they all felt the same draft, and lo their food was gone. Uproar ensued, grabbing Shampoo's attention as she handed another tray out.

"What do they mean their food is gone?" She asked before she detected movement towards her. Without any hesitation Shampoo turned to strike the rapidly closing target and hit nothing but air. At the same moment, she heard a rattling behind her and saw that every unsold tray on her carts completely cleaned of food.

In her disbelief, Shampoo said aloud in Chinese. "Buddha eating fried tofu last Thursday, that was fast!"

At their table, Akane looked to Ranma, whose eyes were slowly traveling from right to left as he followed the trail of rapidly disappearing lunch trays. Whoever it was, it was fast, and he was headed for them. "Now!"

Akane ducked and Ranma jumped up to kick over her head. To his surprise, his feet collided with crossed arms of a French Maid, who was thrown across the room by the hit. As the maid bounced off the wall, Ranma set his feet down between Akane and the man knelt just behind where the maid had been standing.

"What the heck?" Ranma asked before he looked down at the blonde-haired man, cloaked in the flag of France.

Picolet Chardin II slowly rose up, and appraised Ranma with a focused stare. "You are as fast as they say, Ranma Saotome."

Ranma frowned. "Who's this they saying I'm fast?"

Akane got up. "A foreigner, he sounds French."

Picolet paid Akane's comment no mind. "That is not important, for I am not here to quarrel with you. Allow me to introduce myself; I am Picolet Chardin II, Grand Master of the La Belle School of Martial Arts Fine Dining."

"Hey you foreigner jerk, what did you do with my lunch?" A student yelled at him.

"I paid good money for that Chinese food!" Another complained.

A girl cried out. "I hadn't even finished that egg roll, give it back!"

Shampoo walked over, her eyes narrowed. "You won't get it back."

"Yeah, he already ate it." Ranma said.

Picolet produced a napkin and wiped his mouth. "I give my compliments to the chef, Madam Shampoo."

"How about giving money instead, that was a big order you cleaned out, frogman." Shampoo snapped back.

He knew who Shampoo was too; there were all sorts of flags going up and Ranma was increasingly bothered. Picolet laughed softly, and then turned aside. Another maid appeared next to him, and Ranma noticed that she, like the one he kicked, was blindfolded. It was most likely see-through material, but it was still weird.

"My apologies, will this suffice?" The maid cut a check at Picolet's nod and handed it to Shampoo. When she looked at the sum, her eyebrows shot up high.

"It was a pleasure doing business." Shampoo said before she put the check away.

The doors opened loudly, and Nabiki and Kasumi came walking in escorted by more maids. Kasumi was as bemused as Akane was to see her oldest sister here, while Nabiki's expression belied her own crawling suspicion that stupidity was afoot.

"Alright, who's this guy with the S and M French Maid Fetish who…oh…oh my." Nabiki had done a double-take when she saw Picolet, and she began to hope that the other shoe wouldn't fall. She would be punished for her blind optimism soon enough.

"Yes, this is very good!" Picolet declared in French before he returned to Japanese. "The beautiful ladies that I wanted to see all here. Now than, let us dine."

Kasumi stared at Picolet. "Dine?"

"But of course, Madam." Picolet whipped off his flag cloak, and in a single smooth motion, it became a table cloth, complete with fine dining set with a vase full of roses and candles. "A candle lit lunch, for the three lovely flowers of the Tendo family!"

Akane was not interested. "Pass. Come on Ranma; let's get out of here before my lunch gets cold."

She stood to leave, when one of the maids suddenly kicked her tray from her hand and towards Picolet. "Hey!"

To everyone's surprise, the food entirely disappeared before so much as a droplet of sauce could stain Picolet's suit, and he deftly caught the tray between two fingers. He tossed it aside, and picked up a bottle of champagne. "Why eat Chinese, when you can enjoy the finest of French Cuisine, on me?"

Nabiki warmed up to the idea even more and took a seat at the table. "A free meal with a pretty boy, sounds good to me, how about you Kasumi?"

"Well, it'd be rude to decline. He did call for all of us, as it appears." Kasumi said as she took a seat as well.

"It'd be rude? Did you not see what he just did?" Akane snapped at them both.

There was suddenly a glass in her hand and Picolet was pouring champagne into it. "Well at least join me in a toast."

Ranma plucked the champagne glass from Akane's hand and got in Picolet's face. "What are we toasting?"

Picolet in turn plucked the glass from Ranma's hand, and suddenly appeared on the opposite side of the table to put it between himself and Ranma.. "Why, to my future wife, Madam Kasumi Tendo!"

Well, that didn't take long. Nabiki's expression went from pleasant to hostile in an instant. "Come again?"

"What." Ranma and Akane deadpanned simultaneously.

Kasumi, of course, lacked any vehemence in her response. "I'm sorry, but I can't marry you."

"Ah, but you must." Picolet replied. "You see, your youngest sister Madam Akane is spoken for and Madam Nabiki is just not my type."

"Oh dear, I am crushed." Nabiki droned back, before she flipped the table over–sending its setup crashing to the floor–and put herself between Kasumi and Picolet. Ranma and Akane quickly joined her sides. "And why exactly must Kasumi marry you?"

"You mean your Father did not tell you? You see he–." Picolet stopped when Nabiki held her hand up.

"Let me guess, he offered one of us to marry you in exchange for something." She asked.

Picolet's brows rose. "That's very astute."

"Unfortunately there's precedent." Nabiki replied.

Akane looked to Ranma. "We honestly have the worst Fathers in the world."

"I'm sorry Chardin-san, but I refuse to honor the agreement my Father made with your family." Kasumi said.

Picolet gave pause at that, and then cleared his throat. "Madam you appear to be a learned woman, please recognize you're in a non-negotiable position."

Ranma immediately stepped up to Picolet again. "You'd better recognize that trying to take Kasumi by force will get you killed, Kermit."

Akane cracked her knuckles for emphasis, as Shampoo stepped up as well. Picolet regarded them coolly, before raising the glass of champagne he held to his lips. "Monsieur if you think I am going to resort to violence, I have no intention to."

He then took a whiff of the champagne and drank it down, before he gave the three a cold look. "I pay people to do that for me."

As he spoke, Picolet's maids were already closing in from all sides to attack with swords, daggers, and other weapons. Just as quickly the maids were sent flying, hitting walls, going through windows, and knocking over furniture and students alike as they were effortlessly dispatched by Ranma, Akane, and Shampoo.

Walking over to a maid who wasn't taking part in the one-sided beating, Picolet offered his glass and the maid poured him more champagne. He took a sip, as another maid whipped by them and smashed through one of the commissary's support pillars.

He hummed as he savored the taste and nodded to the maid. "This is exquisite, my dear."

The maid nodded before a table hit her in the solar plexus and drove her straight into and through the wall behind her. The sound of the champagne bottle smashing on the floor followed, and Picolet's gaze fell upon the quickly spreading puddle of the expensive drink.

His left eye twitched, as he turned a murderous look towards Ranma, who was already rushing him. "That was two hundred thousand euro champagne."

"Well take this beating on the house!" Ranma swung a kick towards Picolet, and missed.

As Picolet stepped clear, however, he saw that it had been a feint to lure him right into Akane's attack. He moved like a blur as she struck, and came to a stop behind her, unscathed with the champagne barely disturbed in its glass.

He held the glass out to his side. The top of the glass slid diagonally from the rest of it, causing the champagne to spill to the floor. "Impressive, as traditional martial artists you are the elite of the elite."

"Just missed him, I would've cut his head clean off if he hadn't dodged." Akane complained.

Shampoo got her chúi out. "He won't be so lucky next time."

Ranma nodded assent as he and Akane both prepared to attack again. Picolet let out a haughty sniff. "Nevertheless, I find your insistence to continue this game detestable."

Shampoo was on Picolet, swinging one of her chúi for his face. The weapon was promptly removed from her hand, surprising her. As she quickly swung the other, Picolet parried the strike with the weapon that he had pilfered from her.

The chúi was flung from his hand by the hit, but when Shampoo swung the other for him, it also disappeared from her grip before it struck and became embedded in another pillar handle-first.

"How did he–eep!" Picolet had taken advantage of her surprise and pinched Shampoo on the rear.

"Such a poorly-mannered woman you are, Madam." He taunted.

She quickly whirled around, striking at him nearly as fast as Ranma. None of the strikes seemed to connect however, as he sidestepped or parried the strikes until Shampoo shot a kick for his chest that was taken by an injured maid that imposed herself between the two with all her remaining strength.

The maid went flying, landing amongst the spectators, while Picolet had hopped back from Shampoo. Glowering at him, Shampoo pointed at the Frenchman. "Take your own hits!"

"They are only doing their jobs." Picolet returned before he was forced to hop backward from Akane and her cutting strikes.

When he tried to sidestep her, an attack from Shampoo forced him back in front of Akane.

As he hopped to the other side Shampoo attacked and Picolet leaned back from and ducked under kicks she lashed out at him with before he backed off and up against another pillar.

Crossing her arms in front of her, Akane's eyes gleamed as she lashed out with the Preying Mantis Glass-Cutting technique. Another maid, however, had jumped in front of him, and took the full force of the blow. Blood seeping from under her lips, the maid crumpled to the floor, and Akane glared at Picolet, who folded his arms and leaned back against the pillar.

"He uses women as shields!" Yuka, one of the spectators, cried aghast.

"He's more worried about his expensive champagne than the people who are taking hits for him! Akane, kick his ass!" Sayuri cried out along with other students.

Kasumi rose from her chair and frowned slightly as the showdown continued. Nabiki folded her arm and shook her head. "This is the man who wants to marry you."

"I am all atwitter." Kasumi replied.

Ranma, who had been watching the fight, narrowed his eyes. This guy's movements weren't natural, his stance was too rigid, but he was blocking or dodging strikes from Shampoo and Akane at the same time. No, there was something else going on, and as Ranma's eyes followed the action, he spotted it.

"There!" He suddenly attacked, aiming not for Picolet, but for the air directly in front of him.

Akane and Shampoo both stopped when a hand caught Ranma's fist, and the butler Kasumi had encountered earlier became visible to everyone.

"Now you're just starting to piss me off." Ranma growled as the two jumped back from each other. "Stop making the frog look good and fight me head on!"

"Very well, I will be your opponent from now on." The Butler declared, before he attacked. The first punch Ranma blocked, but the butler's ensuing strikes were faster than he expected, requiring a barrage of quick deflections and parries before both stepped back from each other.

"He's not a pushover like the maids." Ranma quietly realized as the butler attacked without hesitation and performed a rapid series of palm strikes that Ranma parried before he took one to the face and staggered back.

Ranma had no time to suffer from the pain of the blow, because he was again deflecting and blocking fast strikes and being pushed back across the commissary. The butler attempted to sweep Ranma, and he propelled himself over it and the butler with a flip. When Ranma tried to counterattack, however, the butler kicked him in the chest and launched him into the air and onto a table.

Recovering, Ranma performed a three-point landing on the table and stared at the butler, impressed. Akane assessed him with a hum; the guy was really good, easily in her tier. But he was going to have to step it up if he wanted to beat Ranma.

Ranma could see it too, as he smiled to the butler. "You'd better clean up this mess, before I add you to it."

"We were just leaving." The butler replied, before the lights in the commissary went out, plunging the room into darkness. When the lights came on, Picolet, his butler, and all of the defeated maids were gone.

Ranma hopped off the desk and looked around; there were no sign of them except for the blood they left behind. "Well, that was interesting."

"Whatever, if it's over we should get out of here. I better get this to the bank before they void it." Shampoo said of the check for the food Picolet had eaten. There was no more reason for her to hang around here.

"Yes, and we have to get home and bury our Dad." Nabiki said as she looked to Akane and Kasumi. Akane nodded vigorously in agreement, while Kasumi appeared dazed by something.

Nabiki noticed it. "Hey Kasumi, are you okay?"

Kasumi snapped out of her daze, and nodded. "I'm fine; we should get home right away. This is not over at all."

"It never is until someone ends up in the hospital or married." Akane remarked.

The group headed for the exit, Kasumi completely haunted by that butler's moves. There was no mistaking that style of his, and it broke her heart.

* * *

"Winter bares its teeth, eh Saotome? Soun asked his longtime friend as the two patriarchs enjoyed a game of shogi. Across the board from him Genma, in panda form to beat the wintry chill, nodded in agreement.

Soun looked a window, and at the snow piling on the dojo's outer wall. "Still, for all of its ferocity, winter is a fine time to reflect on the past year, reconnect with your family, and meditate on the seasons to come. In all its ferocity, it brings with it a sense of peace."

Genma held up a sign commending the beauty of Soun's statement. Soun nodded. "Thank you Saotome."

Both then noticed their children were in the room, and all of them were staring at Soun like he had done something stupid instead of the panda, for once. Sensing the intense hostility in the air (and surprised it wasn't directed at him), Genma backed away from the Shogi board as Soun stared back at the teenagers.

"Ranma, Nabiki, Akane, what are you doing from school?" Soun asked.

"Picolet Chardin." Nabiki said.

The color drained from Soun's face, confirming pretty much everything. Nabiki leaned closer to him. "The whole story, tell it or Akane does to you what Ranma regularly does to the Panda Bastard."

Akane shook her fist at Soun's face for emphasis, and he caved quickly. "Twenty years ago, Saotome and I were on a training journey when we ran into hardship and found ourselves at death's door from starvation. We came across the Chardin Dojo and Restaurant, and thought it salvation. Instead, we found only crushing defeat."

Nabiki's eye twitched. "Oh?"

"Yes, the meal would've been free if we bested Picolet Chardin in an eating contest. However, we failed." Soun lamented.

"So you lost in an eating contest to Picolet Chardin, and…" Nabiki slowly said.

"…As we had no money, I offered the next best thing, one of my future daughters." Soun finished.

Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane were all staring at him with a murderous expression. Well the latter two were, Kasumi just looked disappointed. Soun quickly raised his hands. "I didn't think I would have any daughters!"

"You had three and you didn't bother to warn any of them about your little transaction!" Akane screamed at him.

Nabiki was wearing a sickly smile. "What a shameful thing to do. Daddy how can you call yourself a man when you barter your own child for food?"

Her words pierced like an arrow, and Soun was hoisted up by his own petard.

Ranma folded his arms. "Well, we at least know where my pop got it from."

Then suddenly the door opened, and there was Picolet, a bouquet of roses in his hand that were promptly given to Kasumi. "It is as he says! I know this tale well, as I have been told it often and at length by my Father, who made the arrangement with Monsieur Tendo."

"Get out of our house!" Akane yelled as she lunged to forcibly remove him. Her attempted uppercut was blocked by Picolet's butler, and Akane quickly drew back before she let out an annoyed snort.

Picolet called from behind his human shield. "Please, please take a moment to hear me. I wish to negotiate a deal."

Ranma folded his arms. "A deal huh? Here are our terms, you never show your face around here again and we don't beat you to within a half-inch of your life."

Picolet shook his head. "I cannot accept those terms; however, I am willing to allow you to decide the fate of Madam Tendo on the field of honor."

Akane did not hesitate. "Perfect. Here, now, let's go!"

She lunged to attack, but Ranma this time stopped her. "Hey!"

"What's the catch? Also, what's stopping us from just saying no and kicking your ass?" Ranma asked.

"Catch? Ah, the 'catch' if you will is that you must duel me in my art: Martial Arts Fine Dining. If you can manage to best me, I will drop the engagement and never grace you with my presence again." Picolet replied.

"No." Ranma replied.

As Picolet recoiled in surprise, Ranma held up his hand to count off his fingers. "The way I see it, all you have are your maids, your butler, and a bunch of money that you'll run out trying to get the best of us. You have nothing that we can't deal with, so why the Hell would we take a sucker's bet like that?"

Picolet scowled at that assessment. "So I'm supposed to allow your father's debt to go unpaid?"

"You won't be the first." Ranma replied.

"Better yet, just take Daddy and have him work off the debt." Nabiki suggested.

"I can't do anything with a washed-up middle-aged man!" Picolet protested.

Nabiki let out a caustic laugh. "Well you're certainly not doing anything with our sister."

Picolet's brow furrowed, and then he stepped back before he pulled out a handkerchief. He used it to wipe his eyes. "Indiscriminate Grappling is truly an evil school, to behave so dishonorably."

He turned and walked back out onto the patio. His butler, remaining inside, turned away just before a loud hiss sounded and the room was filled with a bright red mist, a paralysis agent pouring from a canister hidden in Kasumi's bouquet. The fast moving and fast-acting cloud of agent quickly engulfed the Tendo family and both Saotomes, leaving them unable to move.

His face protected from the agent by his handkerchief, Picolet slowly looked back at Ranma as he collapsed to the floor next to Akane, and tossed him a business card. "I am a fair man, Monsieur, my offer to duel for the fair Madam still stands, and you may challenge me at any time. Appreciate my generosity, au revoir."

Walking over to Kasumi, the butler knelt down and gingerly scooped her trembling body up into her arms. Seeing this, but unable to move, Nabiki actually let out a laugh. "You…don't know…how fucked…you are…"

The butler turned his head towards Nabiki. "There is someone…who loves Kasumi…when he finds out…you're dead…nothing will save you."

The butler turned away from Nabiki and followed Picolet out, carrying Kasumi with him. Watching him go, Ranma clenched his paralyzed hand into a fist and snarled. Picolet Chardin, the frog bastard was not going to get away with this shit!

* * *

Leaving the Tendo Dojo with their ill-gotten prize, Picolet and his butler walked through the worsening snowfall to climb into the limousine. Setting Kasumi into the seat, the butler kept his head bowed as he handcuffed Kasumi and bound her in a sturdy rope. Despite the effects of the paralysis agent, however, Kasumi was able to speak far clearer than Nabiki.

"Why are you doing this, Tama-chan?"

The butler stopped, but kept his head lowered. "I am a butler of the Chardin family, sworn to serve with faith and diligence."

He resumed tying her up, and then buckled her into the seatbelt as Picolet took the seat next to her. "Mademoiselle, I apologize for my reprehensible act. However, in time you will understand and accept what had to be done! As important as any other family, the honor of the Chardin household must be upheld."

"What was that?"

Kasumi lifted her gaze from the butler to Kaori Daikoku, who was seated up near the front of the limo, enjoying a glass of wine served by That Ninja, now dressed as a maid. Of course Kaori Daikoku was involved somehow, Kasumi realized.

"Ah, Madam Daikoku, I cannot thank you enough for your assistance. I surely would have failed today if not for you." Picolet said as his butler regarded both with hostility.

Kaori took a sip from her wine. "You're welcome, Chardin-san. Pleasantries aside, I would like my payment. Information does not come cheap."

"Oh, of course, of course." Picolet gestured to his butler, who quickly cut a check that was handed to Kaori.

Kaori examined the check, and nodded. "This is where my involvement ends, then. You have your bride and I have my payment. It was a pleasure doing business with you."

"Not yet." The butler politely called. "There is one more thing I would like to know, before we sever ties."

Kaori raised her eyebrows, as Picolet looked to his butler with disdain. "What would you require knowledge of?"

"Nabiki Tendo claimed that there was another who loved Kasumi Tendo, you have a great deal of information on the Tendo family; tell me…who is it?" The butler asked.

Hearing this, Picolet recoiled. "What? She is spoken for? Mon Dieu! That simply will not do!"

Kasumi's spirits raised a little. As horrible a person this Picolet was, he did not appear to want to come between established lovers. She could use this to get out of this pinch!

Kaori, however, dashed those hopes. "Oh, that's an unrequited affair. Much like Ryoga Hibiki towards Akane, that man is Doctor Tofu, a fool who cannot even maintain his wits when her name is mentioned. He is harmless and Kasumi Tendo here is still very much single."

When Doctor Tofu was mentioned, the butler, Kasumi's childhood friend, set his jaw in anger. "I see, thank you."

At that, Picolet reversed his course. "I see, a man who lacks the courage to take what he wants is of no concern to me. Thank you indeed, Madam Daikoku, what do I owe for this intelligence?"

Kaori took a sip of wine, and smiled pleasantly to him. "Oh, this information is on the house. Don't worry about that."

This surprised Kasumi, just how accurate was this woman's information on their families, and who else was she just handing it out to? More importantly, why did the mention of Doctor Tofu's name infuriate Tama-chan so?

Weren't they friends?

* * *

A/N: A short chapter, the next one will be longer, swear.


	26. Gluttony 2

Disclaimer: Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Gluttony 2

_And put a knife to thy throat, if thou be a man given to appetite. –Proverbs 23:2_

**[26.]**

_The door to Dr. Tofu's clinic opened, as the good Doctor was finishing the last of the day's paperwork. Dr. Tofu looked towards the direction of the sound, and saw only the door swing closed. He looked down at his paperwork again, and resumed carefully scrawling his pen through the fields._

_He stopped again, however, when he heard something else in the office, and then organized his papers before setting them in a drawer, which he closed. When he finished and looked up, Tama-chan was falling upon him his hand drawn back to deliver a palm-strike for his face._

_Dr. Tofu parried the strike with ease and tossed Tama-chan over his head. In midair, Tama-chan twisted his body and kicked off the wall to deliver another strike, but only succeeded in smashing his desk in half. When Tama-chan looked up, Dr. Tofu was standing in front of the ruined desk with his back to him._

"_Yasukichi-kun, shouldn't you be gone?" He asked, though he was not surprised by the boy's violent attack. He seemed weary from it._

_Tama-chan, Yasukichi rather, stood up and glared at Dr. Tofu. No matter how hard he tried or trained, there was just no way to touch this man. In his frustration, he snapped at him._

"_I came to make one last attempt on your life, pervert!"_

_And that attempt failed, though Dr. Tofu was wary. There was no telling what Yasukichi could pull at this stage. "Don't make this difficult, just leave my office."_

_Yasukichi growled at that. "Not until I'm certain Kasumi is safe from you!"_

_The boy attacked again, swiftly striking at Dr. Tofu with greater speed than he had against Kasumi. Speed developed from years of working on a chicken farm. Sparring with Kasumi, capturing fleeing chickens, catching falling eggs before they hit the floor, avoiding the wrath of angry roosters, and other feats had honed his speed to incredible levels. But even then, against this man, who moved like a swaying tree in a gentle breeze to avoid his strikes, it seemed futile. _

"_Just hold still and die!" Yasukichi yelled as he performed a swift kick that Dr. Tofu walked away from. _

_Slamming his foot on the floor, the boy looked back to Dr. Tofu, and opened the door to the clinic. Dr. Tofu then looked back at him. "You should go now."_

_Yasukichi clenched his teeth, and then punched a locked file cabinet, the force of the blow punching a hole in it._

_Dr. Tofu was stone-faced; as Yasukichi pulled his hand from the cabinet looked down at his cut up hand and clenched it into a fist. "Damn it…why can't I hit you? You're a pervert; someone like you shouldn't be allowed to live!"_

_Those words stung, but Dr. Tofu made no show of it. Yasukichi walked towards the door, and then stopped in front of Tofu. "Stay away from Kasumi, and if I find out you've gone anywhere near her, I'll kill you."_

"_Leave, Yasukichi-kun." Dr. Tofu said._

_Yasukichi considered trying to get a parting shot in, but knew it'd be useless. So he just walked out of the office, and headed up the street. _

Seven years later, Dr. Tofu was at his desk, looking out the clinic's window at the near white-out going on outside and got up to adjust the thermostat. The weather was too bad to consider closing down tonight; nights like these were when emergencies were most likely to occur.

It was as he finished raising the temperature that an emergency called on his phone. Walking over to the desk, he answered it. "Dr. Tofu's office, can I help you?"

"Paralysis poison antidote…Tendo Dojo…NOW!" Akane all but screamed into his ear.

It took less than two minutes for Dr. Tofu to arrive at the Tendo Dojo and quickly administer first aid to the residents of the house. He was shocked at the state everyone was in, even Nabiki had been affected by the potent toxin, and she was usually one to avoid such things.

"What on Earth happened here?" Dr. Tofu asked Ranma as the young man got up and tested his range of motion.

"I'll tell you what happened, some French bastard came waltzing here, poisoned us, and kidnapped Kasumi, that's what!" Ranma growled back. Picolet Chardin II was dead, he was so freaking dead.

Dr. Tofu went wide-eyed. "He kidnapped Kasumi?"

He then pointed to Akane. "Isn't she usually the one everyone wants?"

"Apparently because Akane was spoken for, he decided not to go for her." Nabiki said.

She then looked to her Father, as did Akane and Ranma. "We are holding you personally responsible for this and we are going to deal with you after we get Kasumi back."

"And by that, she means me." Akane said as she cracked her knuckles for emphasis.

Genma, still very much a panda, decided that he was just going to sit this one out and be glad no one's blaming him for anything for once.

Soun was in tears. "How can you be so cruel? My daughter was just stolen away by some French Fop, and you treat me like I'm the villain!"

Ranma and Akane both kicked him in the head. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SOLD HER FOR FOOD!"

Dr. Tofu then took Ranma by the arm. "Ranma-kun, do you know where this man took Kasumi? There's a chance we can catch up with him."

Letting out a panda sound, Genma handed Ranma the business card Picolet dropped before. Ranma quickly took it, and held it up. "He left a business card, in case I wanted to challenge him. This will lead us right to him."

"Then let's go get Shampoo and ruin his shit." Nabiki suggested.

Dr. Tofu, seeing that everyone was back to optimum health, nodded and looked at the card himself. "That might not even be necessary. I'll be going to get her back myself."

Everyone stared at Dr. Tofu, shocked. Nabiki then smirked. "Well, it's about time."

"Doctor Tofu, what are you saying?" Soun asked as he got back up.

Taking the umbrella he brought with him to get him through the snow outside, Tofu stepped onto the patio and opened it. "It's exactly what I said. Ranma, Akane, don't hesitate to come along…" He frowned as he looked at the swirling snows. "…She's your sister, after all."

With that, he headed out into the storm. Ranma and Akane looked to each other, surprised, and nervous. The former spoke. "Dr. Tofu is going to try to rescue Kasumi?"

Akane shook her head. "He's doomed. Once he sets eyes on her, he'll completely lose it."

Ranma tossed Akane her coat. "Let's get over to the Café."

* * *

The snow did little to stop Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki from heading up the street and around the corner to the Cat Café, which seemed to still be doing good business despite the intensity of the weather. When they entered, however, they found an unusual situation unfolding at one of the tables closest to the desk. Several people in suits were gathered across the table from Cologne, who was in the middle of signing papers.

"Oh man, now what's going on?" Ranma, turned into a girl by the melting snow, complained aloud.

Shampoo poured a kettle of water on him, as she hushed him. "Big deal going on, Grandma is making a big acquisition."

The mention of business piqued Nabiki's interest. "Oh? What is she acquiring?"

"The other day, she received a call from Ucchan's Okonomiyaki, offering to allow her to sell the brand out of the Cat Café." Shampoo explained, surprising Ranma.

"Ucchan's…?" He looked towards the table. Sure enough, among the suits handing papers to Cologne was the eponymous owner of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki, Ukyo Kuonji. "Ucchan!"

Wearing a suit not-unlike his lawyers, Ukyo looked up and removed the reading glasses he wore as he conducted business with Cologne. "Ran-chan?"

Nabiki blinked and stared at Ukyo, and right away her cheeks became a faint pink. "Wow, who's this guy, Ranma?"

"This is Ukyo, I lived with him for a while when I was really little. He was one of my best friends." Ranma replied.

Ukyo smiled. "You still hold me in such high regard." He raised a bandage-swathed hand and Ranma wrapped his around it as though they were about to arm-wrestle, and then bumped shoulders together.

"Well yeah, why wouldn't I?" Ranma said before he looked at Ukyo's hand, and noticed the bandages. "Whoa, what happened there?"

Looking at his hand, and then the other–also covered in bandages–Ukyo let out a small laugh and shrugged his shoulders. "The perils of cooking, I guess."

"Yeah, about that, 'Ucchan's Okonomiyaki'? When did you suddenly go national?" Ranma asked. He looked at Ukyo's suit, and then his lawyers. "Expensive suit, Lawyers, and a franchise deal too?"

Ukyo laughed again. "I found a good investor, and the next thing I know, my Okonomiyaki is being sold from Hokkaido to Okinawa."

Nabiki's interest was piqued even further, and Akane could see the wolfish gleam in her eyes as she sized Ukyo up further. She snapped at her in a hushed voice. "Nabiki, focus!"

"Wow, you must be making a fortune." Ranma said in amazement.

"It's not all that big of one, but I'm doing what I love and that's what's important." Ukyo humbly admitted before he asked. "What about you, Ran-chan? Last I saw you; you were dealing with ninjas and stuff. Did that get all sorted out?"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "It's…complicated…but right now I've other stupid crap to deal with."

"Yes, and we have to finish looking over these contracts, young man." Cologne said to Ukyo.

Frustrated, Akane then cut in. "Granny, I really hate to interrupt this further, but we have a crisis." She glared at Ranma when she emphasized "crisis". "Kasumi was kidnapped by some weird French guy who wants to marry her because my Dad promised his First-Born daughter back when he didn't have any."

Shampoo was impressed. "Wow that was quick."

Cologne had known about the incident thanks to Shampoo, and she was rather agitated by the loss of the food (though the reimbursement allayed it). "Yes, the so-called Fine Dining Martial Artist and his many, many maids. He actually took Kasumi from you?"

"He cheated and used some paralysis poison on us, then made off with her." Akane explained.

Ranma excused himself from Ukyo quietly, and spoke next. "Yeah boss, Dr. Tofu already went to go get her back, but he goes loopy around her so we need to be ready to beat him, at his own game if we gotta."

"So what do you know about Fine Dining Martial Arts?" Akane asked.

Cologne, wise and experienced Cologne, scratched her chin and closed her eyes as she recalled her one hundred plus years of experience in countless forms of combat. For a long moment, she recalled her encyclopedia-dwarfing reservoir of knowledge, and then replied.

"There's no such thing as Fine Dining Martial Arts." She replied.

Ranma expected some shocking revelation, so when Cologne gave her blunt answer, he stumbled over his own reply. "There's no such–wait, there isn't?"

"I've never heard of such a thing. Frankly it's preposterous that young man would consider himself a martial artist at all, given what I've been told."

Ukyo folded his arms and frowned as Ranma rested his hands on the table. "He was pretty serious about him being a martial artist, and this mess all started because our Pops lost to Picolet's old man."

Nabiki chimed in. "He even called himself a Grand Master."

"So many would-be martial artists these days call themselves that, not knowing what the title implies. You would know a Grand Master when you saw one." Cologne replied.

Akane agreed. "Yeah, like Osmond-sensei."

"Or Great Grandma." Shampoo chimed in.

"Oh my, I'm not a Grand Master, though I'm close." Cologne stood up on her chair. "As it is, I've never heard of Fine Dining Martial Arts, not once in my long life."

Ranma folded his arms over his chest. "Then what's all of this crap about then?"

"The La Belle France School of Martial Arts Fine Dining is nothing but crap, Ran-chan."

Everyone's eyes were on Ukyo, who explained further. "Not too long ago I offered to do business with the La Belle France Dojo and Restaurant, they would not unless I abided by their terms and defeated their Grand Master in a duel." Ukyo looked at his hand for a moment then back to Ranma and the others. "I assumed that it'd be an actual duel, but it was a nothing but an eating contest."

Ranma blinked, Akane tilted her head to one side, Shampoo crossed her eyes as she processed this, and Nabiki voiced the words on everyone's mind as she put together everything. "So wait, Martial Arts Fine Dining is just dressed up speed eating?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Ukyo said with a nod. "That's how the Chardin Family operates. They sucker unwitting people be it business associates or hungry martial artists looking for a meal, and defeat them with ease in a contest that they can't lose."

Ranma growled. "Why can't they lose though? I have the fastest freaking hands in this town, and I can barely keep Pop from snatching food from my plate."

"The speed Picolet eats, it almost looks as fast as Ranma." Shampoo added.

Ukyo nodded. "It may look fast, but the Chardin Family has a handicap. They're literal freaks of nature."

"That's not saying much, considering this town." Nabiki pointed out.

"Oh," Ukyo hummed and then replied, "So you've got experience with people who can swallow a human head whole and have room to spare."

Nabiki created the mental image for only a second, and recoiled in disgust. "Oh my God, he wants to marry Kasumi!"

"So the Megamouth Frog tried to play me for a chump from the start." Ranma was less aghast, far more furious. "Oh man…I think I might end up killing this guy."

"Not if I do it first!" Akane snarled. She held onto the mental image for even longer, and she was ready to commence with the Cromwell Invocation.

Shampoo looked to Nabiki. "Can I use my guns?"

Nabiki nodded. "Oh, go right ahead, but do you want to waste the bullets?"

"Part of me doesn't even want to waste the effort punching that trash." Ranma growled.

"Ne, Ran-chan," Ukyo chimed in, "Why bother with punching? If there is one thing I know it's food, and the French Cuisine the Chardins enjoy while savory, lacks any real kick to them spice-wise."

"Is that so? I guess with mouths that quick, they wouldn't be able to handle spicy…food…" Ranma trailed off as he and Akane slowly turned their heads to look at each other. They then smiled in a way that seriously unnerved even Nabiki. When she looked to Shampoo, she became even more unnerved when she saw that Shampoo had the same wicked smile on her face.

"Uh, am I missing something?"

In the coldest part of the Cat Café's freezer, its lid lock in place, and chains, wards, and padlocks securing it, the pot of curry Akane made that day sat and waited…

…The pot, the steel shelf, and the wall behind it all free of the ice that covered the rest of the freezer.

* * *

The La Belle France Dojo and Restaurant was actually located not too far north of Tokyo, taking up quite a bit of land outside the Metropolitan Area's limits. Away from the insanity that plagued the world's unluckiest city (beating out New York some twenty years running barring 1998 thanks to a very large iguana…and later its child), the snow-covered mansion and its immaculate French architecture seemed incredibly out of place in Japan. Indeed, if Picolet hadn't handed over his address to Ranma, Kasumi was sure that he and the rest of her family would've found it within minutes of leaving the house.

She was wondering when they'd actually get to her as she sat in the lounge of the Chardin family home. The furniture was very expensive and very French, as was the rug and the glittering chandelier above her head, but furnishing was a startling contrast to the curious wall decorations. There were heads of farm animals mounted as trophies in the same sense that big game were, and paintings of Frenchmen with their mouths stuffed beyond the impossible with foods ranging from many Hors d'oeuvres to a single roasted pig.

It was disgusting to look at, so Kasumi kept her eyes to Tama-chan, who stood guard over her. His master was not present, having gone off to fetch the person who would train her to be a proper wife.

"Tama-chan…" She trailed off when he didn't appear to react. The blindfold made it impossible to know if he acknowledged her, and his face was tightly kept, expressing no emotion whatsoever. She looked at the floor and sighed, the mental sleeve preventing the majority of her negative feelings from weighing down on her.

Kasumi was optimistic that she'd be perfectly fine coming out of this, but she was worried more about her old friend. "What happened, how did you end up here?"

Tama-chan ignored her, remaining silent and poised as a butler should. Kasumi furrowed her brow. "I thought you were going to become a great chef, what happened to that? Why are you working for this awful boy?"

Again he did not reply, but Kasumi would not be denied an explanation. She recomposed herself, and proceeded to hit below the belt. "As the future wife of Picolet Chardin II, I order you to speak to me."

That worked, as Tama-chan turned his head towards her, his mouth slightly agape in disgust. He then tightened his jaw and looked away. "How I came to work for the Chardin Family is none of your concern."

"You are my friend, it is my concern. I am concerned about you. What happened?" She pressed.

Tama-chan shook his head. "I am paying off a debt, as a man and as a martial artist, I am obligated to this."

"That is correct, mademoiselle!" Picolet declared as he entered, joined by a maid carrying a tray of exquisitely made tiny cakes. "He is paying off a small expense owed to my family, and he is well on his way to earning his freedom from that debt." One of the cakes vanished from the plate. "Trés bon!"

The maid set the tray down before Kasumi on the low coffee table in front of her, and bowed to her before backing away. Again, Kasumi wondered how they could see with the things, before looking down at the tray. Picolet sat next to her and gestured to the tray. "Please, try one?"

Kasumi was impressed by the preparation and decoration of the tiny cakes and picked one up. "Tama-chan, you made these?"

Tama-chan nodded, though he seemed quite tense. Returning her attention to the cake, Kasumi opened her mouth to eat it, but it was knocked from her hand and pinned to the thick wood of the table by a dessert fork.

"Non!" Kasumi looked up and found an older French woman in a black dress and glasses, her brown hair done up to resemble a roasted turkey of all things. The woman wagged two more of the surprisingly sharp forks at Kasumi in admonishment. "An elegant woman does not allow others to see her eating!"

The thought of hauling off on the bitch crossed her mind, and went plop right into her mental sieve. Instead, she politely intoned. "And you would be, Miss…?"

Picolet was more than eager to introduce the huffy woman. "This is Madame St. Paul. She has seen to the training of many brides-who-might-be."

Oh dear, Kasumi wasn't sure if there was a more ominous phrasing that explained everything. The lightning that flashed in the window behind Madame St. Paul was a bit much, though.

"I see." Kasumi got up, and bowed. "Well it's been nice, but I have to go powder my nose…" And wait patiently for Ranma and Akane to arrive and kill everyone in the house. Kasumi wondered how that one got past the sieve, but she did not mind it.

"Non, non, non, as a potential bride to the young master, you are obligated to undertake the training." Madame St. Paul said as she took Kasumi by the shoulders and sat her back down.

Kasumi got right back up. "Ah, but I really need to…"

She was set back down, much more firmly. Madame St. Paul's tone grew threatening. "You will remain seated and take part in the training. You will have time to 'powder your nose' when you are done."

"If you were to ask me, mademoiselle, your nose is perfect without powder." Picolet offered.

At least he pretended to be nice, Kasumi mused to herself. Tama-chan did an excellent job of hiding his contempt, but Kasumi noticed it fairly clearly before Madame St. Paul placed a dish with a cake upon her head. Immediately, Kasumi relaxed into her natural posture, keeping the dish perfectly balanced.

"And this is…?" Kasumi asked as she looked up at the edge of the dish hanging just inside the top of her field of vision.

"You will eat the cake." Madame St. Paul explained.

Kasumi was about to reach up and do just that, but she knew she wasn't supposed to be seen doing it. Just how was she supposed to pull that off? She mulled over this, and then suddenly pointed out the window. "Is that Jean Reno in a fist fight with Jean-Claude Van Damme?"

When Picolet and Madame St. Paul whirled to look, Kasumi snatched the cake off her head and popped it in her mouth. Both looked back, and saw the dish empty, Kasumi savoring the cake morsel, and Tama-chan smirking.

"You just missed them." The butler taunted.

"That was very good, Tama-chan! You really have gotten better!" Kasumi complimented.

Tama-chan nodded. "Of course, Miss."

Madame St. Paul was not amused, and she set another dish upon Kasumi's head. "Attempt it again, and no funny business, little girl."

"Ah, yes, of course…" Kasumi then looked and screamed in horror as she pointed at the wall in front of her. When Picolet and St. Paul looked, she ate that cake too. Both looked back and glared at her as she wiped her mouth. "This game is fun."

Picolet leaned over to his bridal trainer. "She has a sense of humor, much better than the last one. I like her even more."

Madame St. Paul tilted her chin up and huffed. "Little girls who think they're wise make for poor wife material." Kasumi kept back the witty retort she had in mind, as Madame St. Paul delivered a cheap shot. "This one in particular should be happy that the Chardin family is willing to settle for less."

Tama-chan bristled at that, but Kasumi remained perfectly composed. "Oh dear, it would seem that I'm no good as a wife then. Is it fine for me to leave, now?"

"Oh non, non, little girl. Would-be wives with poor disposition merely need to have manners, elegance, and humility beaten into them thoroughly until they know their place." Madame St. Paul replied with a cheerful inflection in the not-at-all subtle threat of violence.

Kasumi was the picture of placid happiness as she responded in kind. "I wish you would."

Madame St. Paul's smile vanished quickly, and her glasses became opaque as she reached for a truncheon to grant that wish. In that same instant, Tama-chan imposed himself directly between them. "Madame St. Paul, perhaps it would be better to move on to the next level of training. After all, there are guests waiting to see the young master's new would-be-bride."

Kasumi was still smiling, and for the first time since he decided to pursue her, Picolet felt not just doubt, but fear begin to encompass his senses as he beheld it.

"_Is she not the kind, docile sister? What is this murderous intent I feel?"_ He wondered to himself.

* * *

"We regret to inform you that due to inclement weather, we will be shutting down rail service for the evening, we extend our sincerest apologies…"

With that, Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, and Shampoo found themselves off the train that would take them to the Chardin estate and stuck a halfway to the northern edge of Tokyo, making their way through what was quickly becoming the biggest snow event in the history of the city. They were at least ready for it this time, wearing heavy winter coats, hats, and even snow goggles.

"Of course, Picolet would choose today of all days to decide to pick his bride." Nabiki complained.

Ranma, the hood of his brown jacket pulled tightly to keep the snow out, called back as they trudged along the snow-covered street, past cars slipping and sliding. "I'd say he did it purposefully to slow us down, but he's not that smart."

"I never thought I would say this, but I miss Roanapur." Shampoo, who was not fond of the snow, complained. They would've driven to the mansion, but low to the ground supercars were even less fond of the snow. At least she was warm; on her back she carried the pot of Akane's curry that was important to their plan of attack.

Akane's concerns could not be further from the weather. "We have to keep going; it wasn't this bad when Doctor Tofu left, he might already be there by now."

Ranma agreed. "I know, even as strong as he is, once he's around Kasumi…"

He becomes, for all intents and purposes, a buffoon who can't be relied on to do anything but absently destroy everything he gets his hands on. While that alone probably would take care of Picolet, putting anything to chance in this situation wasn't in their best interest. Besides, Ranma wanted to destroy Picolet himself.

"That reminds Shampoo, why does he go crazy?"

Akane shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know why, but he's been literally crazy for her since like…a few years back?"

"Since you were in fifth grade." Nabiki clarified.

"Oh." Shampoo then did the math. "Isn't Kasumi only nineteen?"

It occurred to Ranma at about then. "Whoa, Tofu's been hard up for her since she was twelve?"

"He's like what, thirty, thirty-five?" Shampoo asked. "Suddenly, that's not so cute."

Nabiki snorted. "Far as I know, and I know a lot, he's never tried anything with her until recently. Since he's a good guy and she loves him back, who am I to judge?"

"That's right." Akane agreed.

"After waiting six years, I think he'd end up exploding if he let it all out." Shampoo muttered aside to Ranma, who snickered.

The wind picked up, and with it the snow beat against their protective attire like a sandblaster. Ranma stopped and peered ahead, they couldn't even see down the street anymore. "This is going to take us forever."

"Especially with the weak girl slowing us down." Shampoo gestured to Nabiki, who shot back with an "Eat me". "Later."

"_Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight…"_

Ranma reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. It was an unlisted number. "Hello?"

"Ran-chan, I heard the rail lines were shut down, have you gotten to the Chardin estate yet?" Ukyo asked as the sound of a helicopter's rotors approached.

"Ucchan? Well, no, we haven't. We're still in Tokyo in fact." He replied.

"Tell me where you are then; I'll come pick you up."

Ranma stared at the phone, and then looked around as Nabiki, Shampoo, and Akane stared at him. "We're a few blocks north of Akiba station…"

"Good! We'll be right over in a minute, just hang tight!"

The call ended, and Ranma looked to the girls as the helicopter suddenly became louder. "That was Ucchan; he wants to give us a ride."

"How nice of him!" Nabiki said cheerfully, before the helicopter came to a hover right overhead, and shone a light down on them. Looking up at it, Nabiki then let out a hum. "How very nice of him."

"Whoa." Was all Ranma could say as the ladder was tossed down to them.

* * *

In a fancy bedroom, designated hers 'until the wedding', Kasumi tightly gripped the edge of a vanity and let out a quiet grunt of pain as Madame St. Paul tightly laced a heavy iron corset around her waist. The Bride Trainer was simply enjoying herself as she dug her heel into the small of Kasumi's back while pulling the laces of the corset tighter.

"You don't scream in pain, you may have some elegance in you yet." She taunted as she pulled the corset's laces a little harder, simply to cause Kasumi more pain.

Kasumi only let out a gasp as she felt her breath shorten. "You're only making it worse."

"I know, mademoiselle. That's the idea." Madame St. Paul ground her heel into Kasumi's back.

"That isn't what I…uff…mean." Kasumi replied, but she didn't elaborate. Clarity was always best when it was a dawning, horrified realization.

Outside the bedroom door, Picolet and Tama-chan waited for Kasumi to emerge, the former sipping a glass of champagne as the latter's scowl continued to deepen every time Kasumi made a sound of pain. His scowling, in fact his behavior all day had not escaped the notice of his master.

"I should've realized sooner that you and the Mademoiselle shared a history."

Tama-chan rolled his eyes behind his blindfold. "Yes, we were childhood friends."

Picolet looked at Tama-chan, wide-eyed. "Really?" He closed his eyes and laughed gaily. "Then you must care for one another greatly, I apologize if this has strained your relationship."

Oh, had it ever. Tama-chan's back stiffened a bit, as he restrained himself from snapping back at the fop. It wasn't that Picolet was being specifically malicious; he was just an idiot doing what he always knew to do. Though, ignorance bore its own malice…

"I have not seen Kasumi-chan since I was younger, so it makes no difference to me." He lied for the sake of ending the conversation.

It failed however, as Picolet's eyes shot open and he gasped. Turning away from Tama-chan, Picolet stirred the champagne in his glass, and mulled over this. For many months, almost a year, his head butler had served silently and faithfully, never uttering so much as a peep until today, and suddenly he was flat out _emoting_! Surely, an old friend was no small deal.

He turned to face Tama-chan again, and tilted his glass towards Picolet. "You are in love with her, oui?"

Tama-chan froze entirely, and then replied. "No, of course not."

Picolet laughed and patted him on the shoulder. "You don't need to hide it, it's written on you. You've been tense about it this entire time, and now I see why." He turned and posed dramatically, as though using his glass like a microphone. "You are the unlucky childhood friend, burning with unrequited passion for a girl that has been taken from you."

Falling to his knees, Picolet covered his eyes with the back of his hand and tilted his head back. "Oh, how we all have suffered as cruel Fate's plaything."

Tama-chan grimaced, but maintained his composure. "What? No, I don't have those feelings…"

Picolet then hummed. "Is this what they call…NTR?"

Tama-chan palmed his face. "You idiot…I'm trying to tell you, I don't care for her in that way-."

Picolet then snapped his fingers. "Aha, I have it." Tossing aside the champagne glass for a maid to swiftly catch, he took Tama-chan's hands in his own. "Monsieur, I am a man of honor, I will not have a man who has served me so lose his one love. I assure you, that once I have sired an heir to the La Belle France School with the Mademoiselle, I will…look the other way as you and she run off, oui?"

Tama-chan's voice went from reserved, if not strained, to toneless. "What."

Picolet released Tama-chan's hands. "It is as I said, once I have sired an heir to the school, I'll leave her to you. I'll even give you a house for the two of you to settle down and live out your lives."

Tama-chan remained statue-like, as he asked. "Are you not marrying her, sir?"

"Of course, but the goal is to acquire an heir, a Picolet Chardin III. It would not do to have a bastard son, would it not?" Picolet asked.

"So you're happy to just use her, and cast her aside?" Tama-chan began to lean forward, ever slightly, as if ready to lunge.

"Must you use such an ugly term?" Picolet missed the shifting atmosphere, the murderous intent, and the other glaring warning signs that his most trusted butler was about to murder him. "A much better term would be 'ensuring my genetic survival', yes?"

Before Tama-chan's hand could ram through Picolet's skull, the doors opened and Madame St. Paul emerged. Tama-chan reset to his stance at attention, though his hands were visibly shaking. Picolet failed to notice any of his butler's movements as he turned to face the Madame. "Ah, is she ready to join the party?"

Madame St. Paul had noticed Tama-chan's movements and attacking posture, and glared at him before adjusting her glasses. "Of course, she did not even put up a fuss."

She gestured back to Kasumi, now wearing a beautiful white ballroom gown, with pink and white roses decorating down the front and along the skirt. She looked visibly pained, but was hiding the extent of her agony of the Iron Corset well. Corset notwithstanding, she was the picture of beauty in the dress, causing Picolet to do a double-take.

"Truly, she is…elegance unrivaled!" He declared.

Kasumi's lips twitched at their corners, as she marveled at how much it hurt to even breathe. She tilted her head towards Madame St. Paul. "I've decided on how I am going to repay you for this. It will be spectacular."

"I most certainly hope it involves you not embarrassing me." It didn't, Kasumi intended to destroy the concept of Madame St. Paul's dignity, thus preventing it from even existing. "Now then, come along, the members of the Chardin family have come from far and wide to see the unveiling of Picolet's new bride, and they must not be left waiting."

"They can eat shit and die." Kasumi smiled regally even as she contemplated biting out the old crone's throat. That one she had simply let past the sieve.

It was Tama-chan's turn to double-take, and he bristled when Madame St. Paul slapped Kasumi's mouth. "Watch your language, and put your mouth to better use. You're expected to dine with our guests, and remember. ELEGANCE."

Kasumi did not react to the strike at all. "Elegance."

Picolet was too mesmerized by her beauty to process anything of what happened.

* * *

Out at the gate of the mansion, two maids dressed in protective winter attire and not wearing blindfolds stood under a lit awning in front of the tall, narrow guard shack adjacent, reading "Made Maid" magazine, the foremost word on all things involving maids, from workers' rights to fetishism to job listings. This month's issue was "The Deadliest Maids on Earth".

"Not a single Chardin maid's even in the top fifty, except for M5." The maid holding the magazine lamented. "As usual, the top ten are dominated by Lovelace maids. I hear the head maid of that family actually has to take anti-psychotics to keep from killing her own Master."

"Scary as that sounds, I wouldn't mind working there. It'd be better than this freak show, ugh." The second guard/maid commented.

"I don't know," The first maid said, "I would like to be worked over by a guy who can lick the back of his own head."

The second maid stared at her coworker. "…Ew."

"Oh come on, like you haven't thought about it!"

"Plenty of times, and I'd rather have my joints cracked, my tendons and ligaments torn, and my internal organs reorganized alphabetically."

"…Is that like, an actual fetish, or were you bringing that up to say you'd really not want it to happen?"

The second maid groaned. Both then noticed a glint through the swirling snow, in the direction of the road leading up to the front gate of the Chardin mansion. When they peered more closely, they saw that it was light reflecting off the glasses of Dr. Tofu Ono, wearing no protective winter attire despite the storm and holding his umbrella above his head. His gaze was fixed straight ahead as he walked directly for the front gate.

The first maid frowned, and called out to him. "Are you lost sir? This is private property and trespassers are forbidden on the grounds at this time!"

Tofu failed to respond. The second maid began walking over as the first called. "Sir, unless you are in distress please go back the way you came, or we will remove you from the premises."

Her coworker reached Tofu, and stood in his way. "Sir, as we said this is not the place to be. If you do not stop, we will use force."

Tofu walked around the maid, and she crumpled to the ground, her body in convulsions. The remaining maid recoiled in shock, and then assumed a fighting stance. Triggering the silent alarm, she rushed towards Tofu to bring him down.

Her scream that followed, and the sound of her body being used as a projectile to smash open the gate, were muffled by the snowstorm.

* * *

Inside, as he walked a pace behind Picolet, St. Paul, and Kasumi, Tama-chan raised a hand to a hidden earpiece and listened to a report from the mansion's head of security. "Head Butler, there's a disturbance at the gate, the guards are not responding to the hails and the cameras are out."

It had to be her family, come to rescue her. Good, now this farce could end. He quietly responded to the security. "Have our security team confront and escort them from the premises, use force if you must."

"Understood, Head Butler." The maid replied. Tama-chan felt bad about feeding the other work staff to the meat-grinder, but he couldn't leave Kasumi alone here.

Opening the doors to the main ballroom, they were greeted by a lavish setup of food and decoration. Tables covered with white tablecloths displayed immaculately prepared and presented French cuisine, vegetable dishes, meat dishes, desserts, wines, and cheeses that filled the room with aromas that made Kasumi's mouth water despite the appetite-killing pain the corset was putting her through.

"Is it not the most delectable sight you've ever beheld?" Picolet asked her.

"Oh I'm sure it is; it's just difficult to appreciate all of this wonderful food when I'm in unbelievable pain." Kasumi replied.

"You carry yourself with such grace, mademoiselle!" Picolet had clearly ignored what she just said, or he was a sociopath. "Come my dear, the most skilled practitioners of the La Belle France School have all braved this terrible storm to dine in your honor."

He gestured to the wealthily dressed men and women who immediately broke into applause for Kasumi. Like Picolet, there appeared to be nothing outwardly unusual about them. Indeed, many even were quite attractive, but Kasumi was sure that like Picolet, they were all gluttonous eaters who needed to burn in Hell.

"Go right ahead, have anything you'd like." Picolet suggested as he guided Kasumi over to a table with his hand at the small of her back. When he pulled his hand away and stepped back, Madame St. Paul hissed a reminder into her ear.

"A lady is to not be seen eating. You will be corrected if you are."

Kasumi looked down at the table in front of her, and to the other martial artists gathered around. On closer inspection of these people, she noticed something that everyone had observed of Picolet back at the school–none of them seemed to be martial artists. Living in a household of them had long given her visual cues to spot the subtle differences between a person who trained regularly and those who did not, many of these people by and large were in the latter category.

"_I don't understand, are these people martial artists or not?"_ She wondered to herself before she took up a fork and plate. Almost immediately, she felt the gazes of the other guests, and caught glimpses of amused, even condescending smirks.

She ignored them and looked down at the plate of a finely cut pork loin roast under gravy. "Well, bon appetit!"

The moment she tried to serve herself, the food was gone. "Eh?"

She looked to her left and right, and saw the other practitioners either wiping their mouths or licking their lips after swiftly doing away with the roast.

"Well, I guess not." She whispered to herself before she went to another dish. "Oh! Duck de fois gras!"

Kasumi had always wanted to try such a foreign delicacy. Alas, the moment she attempted to serve herself, it and the dishes next to it were cleaned by the others at the table. She stepped back, surprised, and looked at the other martial artists.

"_How can they move so fast?"_

She excused herself and went to another table, with fewer people around it. A young Frenchwoman and her mother gave her an amicable smile, which Kasumi graciously returned, before she targeted a plate of ratatouille.

"_I suppose if I'm going to get a chance to enjoy the food, I will have to move fast too." _And strike fast she did her hand moving very quickly to at least spear a piece of zucchini in the dish.

_Tink!_

Kasumi stared at her fork, after it impacted with and cracked the bottom of the bowl. She looked back at the two women, now walking away and giving her taunting looks over their shoulders.

"Well that's just rude." She looked around at all the other tables. The strain of the corset, and the rude behavior of her guests dining in her honor was beginning to fill the sieve up more.

"Are you having difficulty, my mademoiselle?" Picolet asked.

"Ah, no, it's just when I try to eat. My guests who have come to honor me haven't been very courteous." She replied.

Madame St. Paul let out a small laugh. "Fufufu…they are merely eating as they have come to, as practitioners of the art. If you're going to be Picolet's wife, you must be worthy to dine at our table, lest you starve."

Kasumi resisted rolling her eyes, and then looked back at all the food. Surely there was a secret to how they ate. Maybe then she'd get to try some of the food and this evening wouldn't be a total waste.

She tapped the back of the fork against her cheek, and asked. "I'm curious as to what the secret is, would you share?"

Picolet blinked. "The secret?"

Tama-chan grimaced. "Please don't show her."

Madame St. Paul smirked, while the other guests all watched raptly as well, some exchanging wry looks to each other in anticipation. Picolet cleared his throat.

"The secret to the La Belle France School of Martial Arts Fine Dining is quite simple, my dear."

Kasumi nodded. "And it is?"

Picolet opened his mouth, and crammed the four fingers of each hand into it. Then, much to Kasumi's horror and disbelief, he stretched his lips out wide, turning his mouth into a gaping maw nearly two feet across. Still holding his mouth open, Picolet's pearly white teeth–a gruesome contrast to the fleshy insides of his hyper-extended cheeks–gnashed as he spoke. "Absolute mouth control."

Kasumi has witnessed terrible things in her life. She's seen horrible mutilations and fatal injuries in Tofu's medical journals, she's been to that weird part of the internet where Two Girls One Cup is considered tame, and she once heard a song talking about how someone looked like Goku. This ranked up there.

"_It is the most vile, disgusting, absolutely filthy thing I have ever seen in my life."_ Kasumi thought to herself, as the normal human reaction to such things went dumping straight into the sieve, filling it considerably. She looked around. Every person in the room was like this, a freak of nature whose mouths were specifically warped to be able to gluttonously devour great amounts of fine foods. And these people wanted her to become like them.

Oh, that just kindly tore it. Ranma and the others wouldn't be arriving at a mansion; they'd be arriving at a mausoleum. Inner Kasumi took a sip from the sieve.

Tama-chan had cringed when Picolet revealed the secret to his art. Once he had learned, the young butler realized right away why all of the service staff wore blindfolds and hastily donned one himself. However, when Kasumi did not scream or faint, he became curious. He grew even curiouser when Kasumi seemed rather cheerful.

"All right then, I would like to try again."

Picolet smiled broadly. "Oui, oui, Mademoiselle, you go right ahead! Enjoy the meal!"

Kasumi smiled cheerfully. "Oh, I will."

Turning away from Picolet, she walked with a purpose towards another table, still wearing that cheerful smile. Two older gentlemen and a young woman her age awaited her to join them for dinner. She called to them. "Defend yourselves."

One of the Frenchmen blinked in surprise, as Kasumi suddenly tossed the plate she held up into the air. "Pardon?"

Catching the plate, Kasumi threw it right into his face. On impact it shattered and knocked him out cold with a bloodied face. As the second gentleman recoiled in horror, Kasumi twirled the fork in her hand and threw it into one of his raised hands, the fork impaling itself completely through it.

The young woman gasped as the fork-struck man howled in pain. "Oh dear!"

She then looked back at Kasumi, in time to have her nose crunched flat by a punch to the face. As she spilled to the ground, Kasumi looked to the table and a tray of hors d'oeuvres. With a quick strike of her hands, she made several disappear from the plate, and wiped her mouth after.

Picolet's distended jaw was hanging just above the floor, as Madame St. Paul was frozen in fury. Tama-chan, however, had the biggest grin on his face.

Kasumi looked around at the other tables, as with another flick of her arm, she ate another hors d'oeuvres undetected. "Ah, the texture and taste is truly unique, I must have the recipe. However…"

She looks to the next nearest table, not a hint of malice to be seen on her as she looked at the roast chicken on the table, and the terrified men and women backing away from it. She picked up six carving knives and held up three in each hand. "I should move on to the main course, oui?"

As she advanced on the table, Tama-chan received another call from the head of security. "What is it?"

"Head Butler, security teams one through eight have been annihilated! Nine through twelve are engaging, but they cannot stop him! He's just tearing through everything in his path!"

Wait, he was? "What do you mean, how many are there?"

"Just one, it's a man in a dark-colored karate gi, wearing glasses!"

Tama-chan's jaw set. No, it couldn't be.

* * *

But it was, as Doctor Tofu's palm smashed through a door barricaded by furniture from the era of Louis XIV, rendering most of it splinters and threads of fabric. In front of him, were some three dozen maids, none wearing blindfolds, and all armed with swords, pole arms, knives, and even crossbows. Beyond the armed maids, several more were barricading a set of large doors that no doubt led to the ballroom.

The crossbow armed maids, a full dozen of them, quickly set up a firing line and targeted the doctor.

Dr. Tofu sniffed, and adjusted his glasses as he closed his umbrella. The maids opened fire, the deadly bolts whipping through the air to turn the doctor into a pincushion. Upon reaching him, however, Dr. Tofu swung his umbrella, knocking the first salvo of bolts away and into the paths of the second, which in turn were deflected into the path of the third salvo. Every bolt missed their intended target by a wide margin.

One of the maids actually dropped her crossbow, as she soiled herself in fear. Lowering his umbrella, Dr. Tofu began walking towards the maids down the long, expensively decorated corridor, and gradually picked up speed until he was in a full-blown battle charge.

Rather than attempt to reload the crossbows, the other maids dropped them and attacked, hoping to catch him off guard or at least bring him down with their numbers. The first to reach him was immediately struck in the lower stomach with the heel of his palm, and tossed aside.

A second maid reacted in surprise, and was stopped cold when Tofu poked her in the forehead with the umbrella, he then jabbed her in the shoulders, chest, stomach, and hips in rapid succession, before catching her in the neck with a swing and sending her down to the ground in a limp heap.

Tofu spun, and ducked under a kick aimed for his face, before hitting the maid with a disabling back-fist blow to her solar plexus. He swung the umbrella up and clocked another attacking maid across the face, sending her crashing bodily into the wall to her left and falling to the ground, also very still, as the others continued to attack.

* * *

In the ballroom, Kasumi's eyes gleamed as she threw the carving knives, the blades flipping through the air like deadly shurikens before embedding themselves into the table in front of where the petrified diners stood. In the moment they took to look at the blades and look back at Kasumi, she was already upon them, grabbing the face of a man in his fifties and wearing a suit adorned in medals.

"Here, have a seat sir." She said, and drove him back of the head first through a wooden chair.

As the chair came apart, she grabbed the back of it and rammed it into the stomach of another man, who fell over almost immediately, vomiting up a great deal of partially eaten food. Seeing this, Kasumi targeted a woman old enough to be her mother, probably the wife of one of the two men, given her especially horrified expression.

She shook her head at the men, and then looked at the woman. "My mother always taught me to chew my food, into tiny little pieces thoroughly before swallowing." She then raised the back of the chair, and smashed it over the woman's head into countless pieces. "Like that."

"W-what is she doing?" Picolet asked Madame St. Paul, he was unable to comprehend what he was seeing.

Removing one of the knives she embedded into the table, she spied another well dressed man running away from her in fear, and threw the knife, pegging him in the left buttock and causing him to stumble to the ground with a scream, which surprised Kasumi. "My, that was an amazing impression of a Wilhelm Scream, if only Akane-chan was here to hear it."

She picked up a fork and began carving up the roast chicken. As she did, she looked up at a young man, probably Ranma's age, petrified with fear. She looked down at the chicken and then back up to him. "Would you like a piece?"

"Please don't hurt me." He sobbed.

"Oh I won't hurt you." She removed a drumstick from the chicken and then kicked the table up and onto the boy, flattening him under it. "The table, however, made no such promise."

"Yasukichi! Stop her!" Madame St. Paul snarled at the butler.

"Stop what? She's not been seen eating." Tama-chan replied, as the other "Martial Artists" rushed for the main doors of the ballroom in an attempt to flee, only for them to find them barricaded from the other side.

Madame St. Paul looked from the doors to Kasumi, who was now wiping her mouth as she tossed away the bare bone. She whirled back upon and screamed down at Tama-chan. "SHE IS ASSAULTING THE GUESTS!"

"It is Martial Arts Fine Dining, is it not? This is clearly the Tendo School of Indiscriminate Grappling Style. It's unorthodox, but quite impressive." Tama-chan replied as Kasumi reached another table, laughing as she cut off the escape route of a pair of young women.

Both women screamed, before Kasumi raised her hands. "No! No! Wait, I won't hurt you, I promise."

She then took the table cloth. "Here, would you like to see a trick?"

Before either could answer, Kasumi whipped off the tablecloth with great speed, leaving the plates, glasses, silverware, and dishes of food undisturbed. The cloth, however, went on to wrap around the head and shoulders of a man who had tried to grab Kasumi from behind and end the madness.

Both women could not help but applause; it was a very neat trick after all. Kasumi bowed politely, smiled, and then swung the tablecloth and her wrapped up victim around to strike both women, and let all three crash to the floor.

"GET THE MAIDS IN HERE THEN!" Madame St. Paul screamed.

Picolet whimpered. "She used that man as a club."

Tama-chan looked towards the door, and the panicked guests trying to knock it down. "The Maids are dealing with a situation."

Madame St. Paul was livid. "A situation? What sort of situation could require more attention than _this_!"

* * *

Back in the hallway, a maid was smashed into a support beam that jutted out low from the ceiling and held up there by the end of Dr. Tofu's umbrella against her stomach. When she attempted to struggle, Dr. Tofu looked up at her and applied more pressure, cracking the beam and causing her to cough up blood.

"Bastard!" A furious maid cried as she tried to attack Dr. Tofu while he was preoccupied, and she was simply kicked in the face for her troubles. As she staggered back, Tofu let the pinned maid fall, and kicked her into the other, knocking both down.

Three more maids attacked, all armed with swords, and all attacking in a straight line. Dr. Tofu parried a blindingly fast strike to his throat with his umbrella, and in the next instant the first maid was flying through the air behind him upside down. The second maid tried to go for his legs, and she was stomped face-first into the marble floor, cracking it. The pieces of marble freed by the impact were still in the air when Dr. Tofu spun to avoid the stab of the third maid, and backhanded her with enough force to put her through the wall to his right.

The remaining maids witnessed this, and the long trail of their defeated sisters behind him, and all immediately had second thoughts about continuing the engagement.

Dr. Tofu kept walking towards them, and finally spoke since he arrived. "Move or I will move you."

He then raised his hand and caught a pair of knives thrown at the back of his head between his fingers. Also for the first time since arriving, he looked back as gasps of hope and relief sounded from the embattled maids. At the other end of the corridor stood another maid, who wore a pair of black Rayband sunglasses and a bright red uniform as opposed to the blacks of the others.

"It's the Head of Security! We're saved!" The sole maid who chose not to engage at all in lieu of wetting herself sobbed with joy.

The Head of Security tilted down her sunglasses, and stared at Dr. Tofu, her bright red hair hanging over her similarly colored eyes. "Well, well, the great Dr. Tofu Ono truly has come to the Chardin residence."

Dr. Tofu stared at the bright red spike of hair that rose from just above her crown, looked at her outfit and replied. "I don't know who you are, but you must be at least three times faster than these maids."

The Head of Security snorted. "Who I am is unimportant. All that you need to know, Tofu Ono, is that your rampage ends here and now!"

Drawing more knives, the head maid threw herself at Dr. Tofu.

* * *

Back in the ballroom, Kasumi was holding up a tray of cakes and candies to the terrified La Belle France martial artists in one hand. In the other she held a very long butcher's knife. She had corralled them all up against the main ballroom door. "There's still plenty of food left. Come, doesn't anyone want to continue dinner? It's very yummy!"

"Just remember to be elegant." She held up the knife. "Or else."

Madame St. Paul glared at Tama-chan, and then pulled out a white smartphone. "Very well, if the Head Butler will not act, then I'm sure the Head Maid will."

Tama-chan turned towards Madame St. Paul. "You wouldn't!"

"I already have." Madame St. Paul coldly replied as she pressed a button on her touch screen phone labeled "M5 App".

The lights of the ballroom dimmed, and the room suddenly seemed to fill with mist provided by hidden generators. Lowering her knife and the tray, Kasumi turned away from the other guests and looked towards the center of the room, as a circular trap door opened and something began to rise from it.

"Oh my." Kasumi quietly said, as a maid emerged, but not just any maid. It was a seven foot tall, extremely masculine maid, with broad shoulders and extensive musculature. The maid wore a mask over the top half of the face, with two round, glowing red eyes that seemed to bore into Kasumi. "What an unusual maid."

Madame St. Paul called to Kasumi. "You horrible, inelegant harlot, look what you have made me do! This is no mere maid! He is the sixth deadliest maid on Earth."

"He?" Kasumi looked again and saw that the Masked Maid was in fact a Guy. Wait, a man dressed as a maid? Kasumi's eyes widened. "Is this…the legendary…?"

"This is…the Mighty Monolithic Masked Maid Man! Or M5 for short." Madame St. Paul interrupted, before she laughed haughtily. "He will put you in your place, little girl!"

Kasumi actually looked disappointed. "Oh, it's just a cheap knockoff."

M5 grinned, showing off a mouthful of sharp teeth. "Ke…ke…ke…you appear to not recognize the gravity of your situation. It is a rare event that I've been summoned to tidy up such a mess." M5 looked over to Tama-chan. "Yasukichi, are you not doing your job correctly?"

Picolet finally managed to snap out of his shock, and did a double-take upon seeing M5. "Madame St. Paul, why have you summoned him? This is entirely unnecessary!"

"Yes!" Tama-chan agreed.

"You do realize how much he charges per minute for his service, yes!"

Tama-chan buried his face in his palm, as Kasumi shook her head at Picolet. What a disgusting human being.

M5's glowing eyes shone brighter, as his grin broadened. "Well then, I suppose it is time to take out this garbage."

"What did you call her?" Tama-chan yelled, before a loud boom drowned him out and made everyone but the manly maid jump.

The boom came from the doors that the other guests had been trying to break down, except it was from the other side. Another boom caused the heavy wooden doors to bulge outward, and then a final explosion saw the doors disintegrate, sending the guests flying all over the ballroom, with splinters and the remnants of furniture as the red-clad Head of Security went hurtling through the air, over Kasumi's head, and landing in a bloody heap at the feet of M5, having been used as the battering ram to get through the door.

Looking down at the maid, M5 looked up at the one responsible, and his mask's red eyes narrowed. "You…Tofu Ono!"

Tama-chan turned his head towards Dr. Tofu, bristling, as Kasumi let out a relieved gasp. "Doctor Tofu!"

Picolet blinked a few times, and he looked past the Doctor at the devastation left in his wake. Immediately, the blonde fop felt faint. "All of those d-damages…this will cost so much to repair." He shook his head. "This man…he's Kasumi's unrequited affair?"

M5 let out his creepy, sinister chuckle. "Ke…ke…ke…ke…it is rare that I am summoned for anything worthwhile, but this is truly one of those moments." The massive maid assumed a fighting stance, a terrible battle aura enveloping him. "Prepare yourself-!"

Dr. Tofu punched M5 in the jaw, knocking him flat out. "I'm sorry, but I've walked three hours through a snowstorm to get here. I'm not interested in fighting anymore battles."

He turned to face Picolet and Madame St. Paul. "My name is Doctor Tofu Ono; I am the Tendo Family's physician and Kasumi Tendo's lover. Monsieur Chardin, you've made a mistake in taking her as your would-be bride, and I would like for you to return her at once."

"L-lover!" Picolet's mouth was extremely wide as he bellowed this.

Madame St. Paul's glasses became opaque, and the left-hand corner of her scowling lips twitched with an angry tic.

Dr. Tofu nodded as Kasumi joined his side, giddily bouncing on her feet. "Yes, Kasumi-chan is my lover, and we have been involved for some time."

"Quite a lot of time, I'm sure." Tama-chan coldly spoke, before he suddenly appeared to strike at Tofu's face with the blade of his outstretched hand. Dr. Tofu smartly blocked it, and parried it away from his face. Tama-chan continued his attacks, actually becoming invisible once again. The only sign that he was actually striking were the sounds of his blows being deflected by Dr. Tofu's raised arms.

"That fool, he acts now?" Madame St. Paul asked as Tofu suddenly struck, his palm-thrust narrowly missing Tama-chan's head as it took off his blindfold. Seeing the face of the young butler surprised him.

"Yasukichi-kun?" He gasped before he avoided another deadly strike by stepping back. Tama-chan did not pursue, this time.

"The only reason I did not go was because I did not want to leave Kasumi-chan unattended." He said to his employer, before addressing Dr. Tofu. "But now that you're here, I really can't hold myself back, you pervert." Tama-chan declared.

Dr. Tofu sighed. "You're still stuck on that, I see."

Kasumi was stunned. "Tama-chan, Dr. Tofu, why are the two of you fighting?"

Tama-chan clenched his teeth. "You're pretty blasé about it, and you ignored my warning!"

"What warning?" Kasumi looked between the two, beginning to fret.

"I did no such thing." Tofu said as Tama-chan prepared to attack.

Tama-chan let out a sardonic snort. "No such thing?" He charged straight for Dr. Tofu at incredible speed. "Then why are you calling Kasumi-chan your lover?"

Before he could get in range to attack, Kasumi imposed herself between Tama-chan and Dr. Tofu, and violently slapped the former, knocking him to the ground. When he looked up at her, she reached down and grabbed his ear, hauling him up onto his feet by it. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Dr. Tofu blinked in surprise, as Kasumi walked back over to him, dragging Tama-chan behind her, and grabbed his ear as well, causing him to let out a hiss of pain. "K-Kasumi-chan, let go!"

"Not until I get an explanation! I've been worried sick about you all day, Yasukichi!" Tama-chan flinched when Kasumi used his real name. "What did Dr. Tofu do to make you so angry?" She twisted Dr. Tofu's ear. "And you, Doctor, why didn't you tell me that Tama-chan was upset with you over something? Neither of you dare try to fight, I want an explanation, NOW!"

Picolet's bewilderment was never going to end, but before he could comment on how Kasumi so easily subdued two of the scariest men he'd ever known, Madame St. Paul tapped on his shoulder and began to whisper something in his ear once she had his attention.

Cowed, pacified even, Dr. Tofu and Tama-chan looked to each other, before Dr. Tofu heaved a sigh and spoke. "This all started several weeks before Yasukichi-kun was to move."

Tama-chan took a breath before he admitted the source of his ire. "I learned that Doctor Tofu was attracted to you." Before Dr. Tofu could get a quip in, he cut him off. "I had stumbled on him going off into a weird tangent about you in his office; he should've kept his door locked."

"It was not a strange tangent, I was thinking aloud." Dr. Tofu protested. "I admit that I was attracted to her back then, yes, but it was entirely out of admiration of her maturity and sacrifice to her family."

"It was still pretty fucking creepy." Tama-chan snapped at him. "Then after that you actually tried to ask her father for permission to marry her."

"That was not my idea! Nabiki tried to set that up, I was so wracked by the whole incident that I had a nervous breakdown!" Dr. Tofu yelled back at Yasukichi.

Tama-chan tilted his head, or at least tried, Kasumi's fingers were like clamps. "Wait, Nabiki?"

"She's been shipping him and me for years." Kasumi explained.

"Oh." Tama-chan hummed. "I could've sworn he put her up to it."

"I was a private practice doctor who just opened up shop less than a year before. I'm sure the community would've loved the scandal of me asking to be engaged to a twelve year old." Dr. Tofu deadpanned.

Kasumi shook her head. "You were always overprotective of me, Tama-chan. So of course you would try to protect me from him when you found out."

"And of course, you didn't tell her anything at all, because you didn't want to burden her with the knowledge." Dr. Tofu added. "Then you left before it could all be sorted out."

"Noble, but stupid." Kasumi said, before she smiled. "But that's always been your thing, right Tama-chan?"

Tama-chan hung his head again. "Yes…"

Kasumi then looked at Dr. Tofu. "Why didn't you say anything about it?"

"Ah…remember the nervous breakdown I mentioned?" When Kasumi nodded, Dr. Tofu explained that as well. "Well, after that, every time I came into close proximity of you I would relapse into it preventing me from functioning in any capacity around you."

This surprised Kasumi. "Oh…and here I thought you were just being funny."

Tama-chan was mystified. "Wait, so he never touched you, at all?"

"Not until very recently, three months ago tops." Kasumi revealed.

Dr. Tofu became quite proud. "Yes, I was cured of my psychosis and Kasumi and I began dating right away, though we've kept it a secret, mainly for her Father's sake."

"I-I see…"

Tama-chan relaxed, and let out a sigh. Looking between the two of them, he stood straighter, and when Kasumi released his ear, he bowed to Dr. Tofu. "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, Doctor Tofu. I wish you and Kasumi-chan well."

"Oh. Well, you're forgiven!" Dr. Tofu replied cheerfully as he patted Tama-chan on the shoulder.

"Wait-wait-wait!" Picolet protested before he pointed at Tama-chan. "Were you not in love with the fair Mademoiselle?"

Tama-chan rolled his eyes. "No! I never felt that way about Kasumi-chan; she's more like a sister to me. Besides, I already have a girlfriend."

"Oh, really Tama-chan!" Kasumi asked.

"Yes really, she's an American girl, and she owns a chicken farm."

"So exotic…"

"Yes," Tama-chan then glared at Picolet, "But I haven't seen her in a long time since I was forced to work for this idiot."

"Forced?" Dr. Tofu did not take kindly to that, and began cracking his knuckles. "Well, we'll have to rectify that."

Picolet then raised his hands. "Ah, wait monsieur. Yasukichi, he has a legitimate debt with the Chardin Family, you see. He…"

"Lost an eating contest with you and has to work for you to pay it off?" Kasumi quipped in.

"Oui, mademoiselle, similar to the debt your Father accrued and vowed to pay with a daughter as my bride." Picolet replied.

Dr. Tofu frowned. "Ah yes, that unfortunate detail. Well, given that Kasumi-chan is off the market, and Soun's troubles aren't my own, we'll be leaving. Feel free to sit and spin if you like."

As he and Kasumi turned to leave, Picolet called after them. "Monsieur, there's still the matter of your troubles." Tofu ignored him as he and Kasumi walked for the doors. "I speak mainly of the countless millions of Euros in damages and medical expense that you and your lover have caused."

Both turned back to look at him, as Madame St. Paul stood beside him with a smug look on her face. His own expression was rather calculating as he gestured to one of the remaining unspoiled tables in the ballroom. "However, I think we can resolve this matter quite quickly with a single Fine Dining Duel?"

Dr. Tofu and Kasumi were both prepared to laugh at him and remind him that he was free to sit and spin, when the sound of a rapidly approaching helicopter filled the room. Everyone looked towards the ballroom's stained glass windows, only a moment before a light machine gun shattered them, sending glass raining onto the ballroom floor. With the glass, Ranma, Akane, Shampoo, and Ukyo carrying Nabiki in his arms leaped in and landed in front of a startled Picolet and Madame St. Paul.

"Aw man, looks like we're late for the Ballroom Blitz." Ranma complained when he saw the devastation that had been wrought.

Shampoo lowered her LMG and whistled. "Wow, Tofu, where was this back when we were having our sidestory adventures?"

"I didn't do this." Dr. Tofu said, before he rested a hand on Kasumi's hip. "All her."

"Oh." Shampoo nodded. "Yeah, this is about right too."

"Jesus Christ, Kasumi." Nabiki muttered, as Ukyo set her down. She smiled to him, and then folded her arms. "Well, we're here, so let's get this over with."

"Ah yes." Picolet said. "You arrived right on time, monsieurs and madams, I was about to accept Monsieur Doctor's challenge to a duel."

"Yeah, fuck that. We have a better challenge." Ranma replied as Tofu let out a single "HA!" in defiance. "An all or nothing bet. If you win, you get it all."

Picolet blinked. "What do you mean, sir?"

"I mean, you get Kasumi and…I guess we pay you back for all of the damages done to the house by Dr. Tofu, even if it means we have to be your slaves for life." Ranma explained.

"Is that so, Monsieur?"

"Yes it is." Ranma then drew his weapon, a bowl. "All you have to do is finish a single bowl of curry before I do."

Tama-chan's eyes widened. "Wait, don't challenge him-!"

Picolet raised his arm, cutting him off as he grinned at Ranma's challenge. "Oh, you would wager everything on a single bowl of curry?"

"Yes, and if he wins, all of our debts are cleared–including those owed by our fathers." Nabiki replied. "That should be fair, don't you think?"

Picolet let out a suave laugh. He could see what they were trying to do, and sadly it would not work. For generations, the Chardin family has suffered all manner of poison, to the point that they even find the deadliest of concoctions edible. Their mouths may be made of rubber, but their stomachs are the finest steel. He would humor them, however, in anticipation of their looks of horror and disbelief as he smartly bested Ranma and felt no ill-effect of whatever he may have laced the curry with.

"Very well, Monsieur, I accept!"

* * *

In moments, the walking wounded La Belle France Martial Artists and the Chardin Maids were gathered around a table in the tidied up ballroom. On one side of the round table, Ranma sat in front of his empty bowl, a single spoon in hand. Across from him, Picolet was examining the elegant spread of silverware around his own fine china bowl, which sat atop a matching plate.

Behind Ranma, Akane and Kasumi watched with keen interest, while Nabiki snuck flirty looks towards Ukyo. To their side Tama-chan wrung his hands nervously, as Dr. Tofu smirked. To Picolet's side, Madame St. Paul stared down Shampoo, who removed from her back the pot and set it down on the table. Seeing the padlocks that secured the handles, the French fop rolled his eyes.

"A little melodramatic, aren't we?" He asked. He couldn't help but notice that it felt warmer all of a sudden.

Shampoo let out a huff. "You have no idea."

Akane, fire blazing in her eyes, nodded. "Ranma, the time has come for us to rid ourselves of this parasite." She then spun around and pointed at the bowl. "Shampoo, Nabiki! Engage Formation C!"

Shampoo drew from her pocket a key. "Nabiki Tendo, the keys that Great Grandma gave us!"

Catching the key, Nabiki slid to a halt across the table from her and held her key up as Shampoo drew her own. "Right!"

Both then held their keys upward and declared together. "For victory and the freedom from debt to the French, by the oath sworn through spite: AKANE'S CURRY, SAFETY RELEASE…"

Nabiki and Shampoo slammed the keys into the keyholes of the padlocks and twisted them, as Shampoo shouted out. "…APPROVED!"

"THIS IS THE KEY TO VICTORY!" Akane roared.

Ukyo looked over to Kasumi. "She's a…"

"Nerd. Yes." Kasumi finished.

Ukyo nodded. "Ah."

Grasping the top of the lid, Shampoo took a deep breath and removed the lid, revealing to the entire room the horror held within, a continuously bubbling pot of curry. This sight actually perturbed Ranma and Akane, while Shampoo actually took a step back.

"W-wasn't that in the freezer…for two months?" Ukyo asked.

Madame St. Paul, seeing Ranma's expression, grew concerned. If this was the boy's attempt at poisoning Picolet, why was he about to sit down and eat it as well? She stepped forward.

"As official referee, I shall over see the match. The rules are simple; the first to eat a single serving of curry will be deemed the winner. Failure to finish the dish for any reason will result in immediate forfeit." She looked to Ranma as she said that. He had regained his composure, and looked ready to throw down via chow down.

"Yeah, yeah…let's get this started." Ranma twirled his spoon in hand and tapped on the side of the bowl. "Serve me up, soup lady."

Shampoo nodded, and dipped a spoon into the pot. A hiss of steam from the pot sounded like ancient tongues spoken by incomprehensible beings from beyond the beyond.

"That is terrifying." Ukyo said as Shampoo served both Ranma and Picolet, before stepping back.

Picolet looked down at the lone bowl of curry, and then over at Ranma. "I think I should warn you before we begin."

Ranma looked up, and wiped the corner of his mouth, removing a bit of whitish drool that leaked from it. "What is it?"

"We Chardins have hardened our bodies to poison, we are immune to it."

"Is that so?" Ranma twirled his spoon again. "I'm not a dishonorable idiot; I wouldn't poison a guy to win. That's just not how martial artists do things."

Madame St. Paul wore a nasty smirk at that. "Yes, it is good to know we're dealing with such honorable opponents." She raised her hand.

"Get ready." Madame St. Paul commanded.

Raising his spoon, Ranma got ready to chow down, as Picolet simply adjusted the napkin tucked into his collar. Spectators on both sides of the room grew tense as they waited these final tense seconds for the duel to begin, and with Madame St. Paul's call, it did.

"Bon appetit!"

In an instant, half of Picolet's bowl was empty, as Ranma scooped up some of the curry on his spoon and swallowed it down. A dead silence filled the room broken by the soft tinkling of Ranma's spoon striking the bowl as he continued to eat, and for a few moments it was the only sound, before he looked up at Picolet.

"It's pretty good, don't you think?" He asked him.

Picolet was frozen, his eyes locked straight ahead as he held onto the end of the spoon in his mouth. Madame St. Paul blinked in confusion, as the La Belle France Artists began murmuring worriedly. Tama-chan blinked several times, never had he seen Picolet simply stop eating before.

"What on Earth?"

Removing the spoon from his mouth, Picolet raised his napkin and wiped it. "Ah, good monsieur, I would say it is quite delectable." As he spoke, his face began to turn red. "It is the curry's curry, earthy, with a hint of sweetness that makes it simply a splendor to taste." Tears began pouring down his sweat splashed cheeks, and he was beginning to show difficulty breathing. "…And…it is by far, without a doubt the greatest agony I've ever experienced in my life."

Picolet fell out of his chair and to the floor, curled up into a ball and crying loudly and mournfully from his pain as he clutched his mouth. Ranma returned to his bowl and smoothly finished it, without breaking a sweat. "That's too bad, bro."

He looked over to Akane. "That was delicious, Akane." She of course swooned.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" Madame St. Paul's mouth distended across a wide area, turning her shriek into a bellowing roar.

Tama-chan gasped. "Of course, a mouth of such flexibility would have no defense against spicy foods!"

"He's truly an idiot to fall for it, given how much they telegraphed there was something wrong with the curry." Ukyo observed.

"Foolish be the glutton, who eats rather than thinks." Dr. Tofu wrote down in a notebook.

Tama-chan then spoke up. "But wait, how did Ranma withstand the curry's heat?"

"Oh that's easy." Ranma then stuck out his tongue, revealing it coated with a white substance. He closed it. "I covered my mouth with wax, so I wouldn't taste it."

Tama-chan nodded. "The Homer Simpson method, I see."

"Well, that's it, we win." Nabiki dusted her hands. "Kasumi, Doctor Tofu, we have a helicopter waiting to take us back home, let's G-T-F-O."

"Agreed!" Kasumi looked over to Tama-chan. "You're welcome to come along, hopefully it's not too late and I can whip up some snacks."

Tama-chan smiled. "Actually, I'd be happy to make them myself. I think I'm done working for these clods."

"NO YOU ARE NOT!" Everyone looked back at Madame St. Paul, her hair disheveled, and her face purple with rage. Her big mouth was effective in conveying her anger at max volume "YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! THIS HUMILIATION, THIS TREACHERY IS UNFORGIVABLE!"

She pointed at Picolet, still sobbing his eyes out. "YOU HAVE DESTROYED HIS MOUTH, THE SOLE WEAPON OF A MARTIAL ARTS FINE DINER! HOW DARE YOU EVEN CALL YOURSELVES HONORABLE!"

Ranma groaned. "Oh shut up about honor. We know that your martial art's fake."

Madame St. Paul's mouth hung agape at the accusation, as Ranma rammed it home. "It's not a real martial art; it's just a speed eating technique that offers no real practicality in combat. You've just been going around conning real Martial Artists into thinking it, so you could fleece them out of whatever. Food, riches, expensive mansions…"

"…Brides to create filthy offspring…" Kasumi added.

Nabiki smiled maliciously as she added. "…And servants, lots of servants, in fact according to some Googling, it turns out that ninety-five percent of the Chardin Family's service staff is made up of maids trying to work off debts owed, either by themselves or through family who lost 'duels' with the Chardins."

"What." Tama-chan's tone had vanished again.

"It gets better." Nabiki said to him. "A little more Googling revealed that the Chardins were eventually run out of Europe by real European Martial Artists, so they settled down here in Japan specifically to take advantage of gullible martial artists here…which they've done extensively. They're nothing but a bunch of gluttonous conmen with freakish mouths."

Madame St. Paul could hear the sound of the air displaced by every maid in the room turning her head to look at her and Picolet.

"In short, they would've never considered your debts repaid and they have no honor whatsoever." Ranma said. "Right, Madame?"

The left lens of Madame St. Paul's glasses cracked, and she broke into a grin that went back further than grins should go, curling up in the corners like the Grinch. The game was truly up, the darkest secret of the La Belle France school exposed. Even if she could try to say otherwise, their less than adequately treated and compensated maids would not care. However, this was not over.

"Boy, you are right about many things…except for one." She smiled, and her teeth seemed to transform in her mouth, becoming razor sharp. "The La Belle France School does have one offensive technique, a truly gruesome and horrific move specifically for those like yourselves…who know far too much."

Madame St. Paul opened her mouth wide, revealing that every single one of her teeth had transformed, and combined with the massive size of her maw. "The requirements to master this technique are two-fold: One must have a true dedication to the darkness of the La Belle France School…and a taste for…la chair humaine."

The other La Belle School artists recoiled in horror, some murmuring "Not that!" and "Not THAT technique". Many of the Maids looked away as others vomited in disgust.

Ranma blinked. "La what?"

"Human flesh." Dr. Tofu uttered, in disgust.

"Oh my God, they're cannibals too." Akane said.

Shampoo held up her LMG, now equipped with an under-barrel flamethrower. "Well, time to purge the mutant."

Kasumi stepped up, holding up her hand. "That won't be necessary, Shampoo-chan. I have been meaning to pay this woman back for her rude behavior since I got here."

She walked towards Madame St. Paul, who laughed. "Oui! Oui! You horrible harlot, you were exactly my first victim in mind!"

"Kasumi-chan!" Tama-chan cried out, before Tofu stopped him, and shook his head.

The Freakish Frenchwoman tore open the top of her dress, revealing that she too wore an iron corset, and several loud twangs sounded as the rigid metal slackened to allow her better movement.

In her own innermost thoughts, Kasumi raised the sieve, and simply dropped it.

Her eyes glowing white, and her mouth resembling a great white shark's she lunged towards Kasumi to bite her head and shoulders clean off. "LA BELLE FRANCE KILLING TECHNIQUE: LA GUILLOTI-!"

Madame St. Paul was stopped cold, by a palm thrust right into the stomach. A strangled sound exiting her gaping mouth, her eyes rolled down to look at Kasumi, who slowly raised her head to look up at her. A gentle blue battle aura then began to emanate from Kasumi's body, as she dug her fingers into Madame St. Paul's corset and lifted her up above her head.

She spoke. "Gentle Sieve Secret Finishing Technique:"

The battle aura then surged straight for Kasumi's hand, growing brighter as it concentrated to her hand, before it suddenly released as a blue blast of light that engulfed Madame St. Paul, and blew a hole in the ceiling all the way to the roof.

"Gentle Palm Release." Kasumi said as she let her smoldering body fall to the floor. She then looked down at her. "I told you, you only made it worse for yourself."

"Jesus Christ, Kasumi!" Akane shrieked at her older sister.

"Holy fuck, when can I learn to do that?" Shampoo asked.

"The Gentle Sieve, seeing it in action gives me chills down my spine." Dr. Tofu declared.

Tama-chan leaned aside. "And a raging boner?"

"Yes." The Doctor agreed.

Stepping away from Madame St. Paul, and stomping on the still sobbing Picolet, Kasumi stopped and grimaced in discomfort before she reached up and grabbed the top of her dress. After straining to loosen it, she let out a sigh of resignation…and simply tore it and the iron corset underneath clean from her body, leaving her only in a pair of French-cut panties and garters. She smiled to the others.

"Alright, we can go now."

Tofu, Ranma, Tama-chan, Ukyo, and Shampoo all quickly dropped to the floor, blood spraying from their noses.

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Akane screamed as she took off her coat to cover Kasumi up, while Nabiki stared down at Shampoo with a raised eyebrow.

"Something you not telling us, China Doll?"

As they left out the door many of the Maids, picking up whatever weapons they could get their hands on, slowly descended upon Picolet and Madame St. Paul, while others blocked the exits…to ensure none of the other La Belle France freaks could get away either.

* * *

The next morning Tokyo awoke to a cloud-covered sky, and snow-covered everything else. In front of the Tendo Dojo, where everyone ended up staying the night, Tama-chan–his fancy butler clothes discarded in lieu of a comfortable green kimono–opened up an umbrella as he looked at a sheet of paper. The rail lines and the airports had been cleared of snow, and his flight back to America was waiting.

"It's really a shame you can't stay longer, Yasukichi-kun." Dr. Tofu said as he and Kasumi joined him outside.

"I would love to, I really would, but I've been a debt-slave to the Chardins for over six months now. I really have to go pick my life back up." Tama-chan replied.

Kasumi nodded. "I understand. It was nice seeing you again, Tama-chan." She gave him a hug. "Do keep in touch, will you?"

Tama-chan returned the hug. "Of course I will, you'll need a world class chef for your wedding one day, won't you?"

A bright blush flashed across Kasumi's face, as she pulled away from Tama-chan. With a small laugh at her reaction, Tama-chan looked to Dr. Tofu. "I don't have to ask you to take care of her, so I'll just wish you the best. I'm sorry, again, for our misunderstanding."

"My only regret is that we didn't get it sorted out sooner, Yasukichi-kun." Dr. Tofu said.

Kasumi then reached into the pocket of her apron, and handed him a charm. "Here, for good luck."

Looking at the charm, a ward for safe childbirth, Tama-chan chuckled and put it away. "I'm sure it'll come in handy. Thank you, Kasumi-chan." He then shook off the snow that had collected atop the umbrella and began walking for the train station. As they watched him walk away, Kasumi shivered in the cold and leaned against Dr. Tofu with a smile on her face.

"Our wedding, one day?" She looked up at him.

Dr. Tofu kissed her on the forehead. "Hopefully we'll see him again soon."

Kasumi didn't feel cold all of a sudden, as she hugged him tightly.

In the backyard, Ranma and Akane were saying their own goodbye to Ukyo, as his helicopter slowly approached from the direction of the airport. Behind them, Genma slept in human form under the heated table in front of the TV, where he had been all night since everyone left as none of this concerned him, again, for once. Soun was also seated at the heated table, sporting two black eyes and numerous bruises from the beating Akane exacted upon him when they got back. Nabiki and Shampoo were still asleep, in Nabiki's room–something that both Ranma and Akane found interesting.

"I can't thank you enough for helping us, Ukyo." Akane said as she bowed politely to Ranma's childhood friend.

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, man, you really went out of your way for us. I feel like I owe you one."

"Think nothing of it; I'd do anything for you Ran-chan, and your family here." Ukyo replied after he respectfully bowed back.

"So what's next for you, sunny beaches and hot bitches?" Ranma asked. Akane elbowed him in the stomach. "Oof!"

"Actually, I'm always busy. Between school and running my business, I have no free time." Ukyo said with a disappointed inflection, before he smiled. "But, now that I know where you live, I'll definitely be around more often!"

Ranma grinned as well, as he rubbed his stomach. "That'll be awesome; it'll just be like old times, except I'll have money to pay for your okonomiyaki, instead of just beating you up."

Behind Ranma and Akane, Genma awoke with a start at the word Okonomiyaki, and looked over towards the teens on the porch. Bringing his hand to his glasses, he adjusted them and grew wide-eyed as Ukyo spoke. "About that, Ran-chan…"

"What's up?"

Ukyo glanced towards Genma, and then narrowed his eyes slightly when the elder Saotome froze in a panic. He looked to Ranma and his smile became more of a challenging smirk. "Do you remember my promise a long time ago, Ran-chan?"

"Your promise?" It only took Ranma a second to remember it. "…One day you're going to become as strong as I am, so we can have the best fight ever."

Ukyo's bandaged right hand came to rest on Ranma's left shoulder, as the helicopter finally arrived, its rotor wash kicking up snow in every direction. "I doubt I'm on your level yet, but I have a feeling I'm close. Maybe one day soon, we'll have that fight?"

Ranma rested his right hand on Ukyo's left shoulder, and he smirked as well. "Sure will, but don't expect for me to hold back because we're friends."

Both stared intently at one another, while to the side, Akane idly mused how hot it'd be to between that hot man-sandwich, and bit her lower lip. Releasing Ranma's shoulder, Ukyo pulled away and walked towards the ladder lowered for him. On reaching and grabbing one rung and placing his foot on the other, he looked back and shouted to his friend and rival as the helicopter lifted off.

"I'd never forgive anything less than everything you have!"

Watching the helicopter fly off into the cloudy sky, Ranma put his arm around Akane's waist as she hugged him affectionately. "Man, what a crazy night, huh?"

"Yeah, you didn't tell me what you wanted for Christmas, you know." Akane said as she nuzzled his side.

Ranma hummed, and then grinned. "How about some Beef Curry, you know, without the pepper?"

Akane let out a laugh. "You want that because you'll know I'll 'need help' to make it."

He tilted her head up and kissed her, prompting a happy hum from her, and then pulled away. "Yeah, pretty much."

Laughing again, Akane called him a pervert and shoved him. Taking mock offense, Ranma chased her out into the snow-covered backyard, and in seconds both were throwing snowballs at each other. As the two played, Genma regained his composure and let out a long, relieved sigh.

It looked like he was off the hook.

* * *

A/N: We here at The Sage of Toads don't condone violence against the unarmed, the helpless, or the French...unless they really have it coming. Interview will be back April 2012.


	27. Happosai

Disclaimer: People say I should write for an Abridged Series. To those people I say "Who are you and why are you in my bedroom?"

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Happosai

_It Begins._

**[27.]**

The beeping of her alarm clock awoke Akane with a start, and she reached over to shut it off. After hitting the snooze button and then switching the alarm to off, she stared at the digital display sitting on her night-stand next to her waterbed. It was the start of Golden Week; she didn't have to be up early for school. Why did she set it for early again?

She then looked at the date in the corner of the clock's display, and her sleep-groggy mind clicked back on. Today was an important day, and she needed to get up ASAP.

Ranma's arm slid over her back and encircled her waist, before he pulled her over to him and nuzzled the back of her neck. Giggling, she turned over in his arms and kissed him on the cheek as his eyes fluttered open. "…Morning Akane…"

She kissed him affectionately again, and he returned it before he sat up and stretched. Daylight filtered in through the dark blue curtains that hung in her window, casting the bedroom in a cozy dim light, and the songs of birds could be heard from the tree outside her window. It was peaceful and quiet, as many of Ranma's mornings had been since he began sleeping in Akane's bedroom. A lot better on his back, too, damn this bed was comfy.

He then noticed the clock. "It's the first day of Golden Week." He dropped back down. "Wake me when it's noon."

"Ranma…" She smacked him on the back when he turned away from her. "We have to get up, you can sleep for the rest of the week for all I care but today is important."

"Our anniversary isn't for another two weeks," Ranma grumbled back.

While she was touched that he remembered that, she smacked him on the back again, hard, causing him to yelp. He got up, hissing through his teeth as he reached back to try to rub the spot she hit. How did she freaking do that? He could take grenade launcher rounds and a Shishi Hokodan to the chest and keep going, but she always hit him in a way that hurt like crazy!

He turned and glared at her. "What was that for?"

"Have you paid attention at all? Today is very important."

"Showa Day, the day in which we reflect upon the turbulent days of the reign of Emperor Showa: The rise of fascism, World War II and the post-war occupation, the rise of Japan as an Industrial/Economic Power, the outbreak of the Badam Syndrome…" Ranma then stopped. "Sorry, I can't remember what was supposed to be important about today; I've been kind of busy."

Akane frowned at that. "It's also the day our dads defeated the Evil Grand Master of The School of Indiscriminate Grappling. This is the tenth anniversary of that day."

Ranma blinked. "Wait, what now?"

Akane got out of bed, and began performing her morning stretches. Ranma stayed in bed and watched her, because it was always great to watch his girlfriend stretch and flex her body in just her underwear. As she bent down to touch her toes, she called back to him. "Yes, you know about him right?"

"I've only heard Pops mention him in passing…" Ranma trailed off as he stared at Akane's panty-clad backside, and then bit his lower lip.

Akane stood straight and glanced over her shoulder at him. "Really, I figured he'd tell you all about him. He was the most evil man alive, and our dads beat him."

Ranma wasn't impressed. "I'm sure there's an amazing story that goes with it, because I've never heard it before."

Akane found that odd, she figured that it must've been because Ranma and Genma didn't have to deal with him as much as her family did. "Well still, get up? We celebrate with a big cookout, and Kasumi's going to need help in the kitchen."

Ranma just went and settled back down. "Nope, wake me when it's noon."

Akane folded her arms, and then smirked. "Ranma, if you get up now…I'll make it worth your while."

Ranma folded his arms behind his head and closed his eyes. "What could I possibly want more than to sleep in on the first day of Golden Week?"

A few seconds later, the bra Akane had been wearing landed across his face, and he opened one eye. "…Oh, you're good."

* * *

Ranma and Akane ended up missing breakfast, in fact most of the morning was gone by the time they finally came downstairs. Kasumi greeted them both with an amused, knowing smile in the sitting room, and got up from the table to go fetch them both some breakfast. After quietly wishing her a good morning, they went over to the table and sat down to watch TV, as their fathers played shogi by the window.

"Good morning Daddy, morning Pop," Akane said to Soun and Genma respectively. In the intervening months since the Picolet debacle, she'd taken to referring to Genma as Pop much like Ranma…but still readily referred to him as "Panda Bastard" when he fucked up like he normally did.

"Good morning, Akane," Soun said.

"Are you pregnant yet?" Genma asked.

Ranma handed her the closest object he could find, the TV remote, to Akane, and she whipped it at the side of Genma's head. As Genma went down, she screamed at him. "Do you have to ask that every morning!"

Genma stood up, clutching the gushing head wound left by the remote. "If the two of you got married and started producing heirs, I wouldn't have to ask, now would I!"

"We want to finish High School first!" Akane snapped back.

Genma snorted. "Secondary education is a waste for Martial Artists! I never went to High School and I turned out just fine!"

Akane looked to Ranma. "Should I tell him, or should you?"

"No, let it go this time," Ranma replied.

Soun finished rearranging Genma's pieces on the board, as his brother-in-training taped up his head wound. "He's right Akane, today is a special day after all."

Akane just rolled her eyes and sat back down with Ranma.

"This day, ten years ago, on a rain-slick precipice," Soun continued as though recalling a memory from war, "Saotome and I faced our evil master in a battle to decide our fates, and the fates of our young families."

"It was truly a grueling battle, one that lasted days, and was worthy of a John Williams symphony!" Genma declared.

Ranma snorted. "More like Wesley Willis."

"Nobody knows who that is," Akane hissed at him.

"It was with the last of our strength, that we performed our desperate ritual, and sealed our evil master away, to the darkest pits of the Earth…never to be seen again!" Soun declared, having not heard Ranma's snide remark.

"And then you slew the jabberwocky and went on to save Narnia," Ranma added caustically.

Genma slammed his palm on the shogi board, rearranging the pieces. He glared at Ranma. "Show a little more respect, boy! We spared you a horror beyond comprehension!"

"Oh yeah, I'm sure."

Kasumi entered at that point, and politely interjected. "Ranma, he's right. Their master was really a terrible man."

Ranma looked at Kasumi. "Really, how bad was he?"

"Oh, I hated him and every time he came to visit." Kasumi set down their plates of food. "He would always try to convince me to train under him."

"So wait, you turned down being trained by a grand master?" Ranma asked.

"He only wanted to train me because of the hope that I'd grow up to resemble my mother." She cupped and raised her breasts for emphasis. Kasumi actually grew to surpass her mother, a fact she is proud of…and regret later.

Akane frowned. "He was interested in training Nabiki and me too for the same reasons…" She paused to recall. "What did he call it again?"

"He called it investing in the future, with a disgusting grin on his face." Kasumi reminded her. She remembered it rather clearly; the way the old toad's eyes trailed upward and the drool that trailed from the corner of his mouth as he imagined an older Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane worshipping the ground he walked on. It made her shudder in revulsion then as it did now.

Ranma was stunned, but not too stunned as to not start eating. "Whoa, sounds like a major pervert."

"You have no idea." Kasumi sat down. "He would go around the neighborhood, stealing women's underwear, and peeping on girls in showers and baths. He'd take pictures too and leave them lying around the house, it was horrible."

Akane pointed her chopsticks at Ranma emphatically. "He made me and Nabiki wash the underwear he stole, and organize them into piles for his enjoyment later."

Kasumi added, "He was utterly feckless. He tried to encourage us to steal and cheat, and whenever he got into trouble he'd frame us or Daddy for it."

"Running out on checks…stealing food from hungry people…breaking and entering…" Genma listed.

"…Picking fights and beating up people for no reason…mugging passer-bys for money…oh, and selling dirty magazines to children…" Soun added.

"He started a Yakuza turf war simply because he was barred from every soapland in the prefecture." Genma added.

"Then there was what he did at those soaplands that got him banned…those poor women…" Soun shook his head.

Kasumi rested a hand on Ranma's shoulders. "He ruined lives simply because he could, and no one could stop him. He almost ruined this family on several occasions."

Ranma looked at his Father and future Father-in-Law. "Why did you train under that guy if he was the embodiment of evil?"

"Well, he was unbelievably skilled as a martial artist." Soun said. "We had no idea of how evil he was until it was too late."

Ranma's stare became subtly contemptuous. "In other words, he tricked you into being his 'disciples' and you were too afraid or stupid to bail on him at the first sign that shit was bad."

"Hey! We defeated him!" Genma shouted.

"…After how many years of being his bitch?" Ranma asked.

Genma and Soun stopped, and looked at one another. Before Ranma could declare his point vindicated, Nabiki poked her head inside. "Hey guys, come out to the back. It's done."

Everyone looked over to Nabiki, who headed back out into the yard, and one by one everyone got up and followed her outside to see what was done.

* * *

"This…is the greatest grill on Earth."

Her arms folded smugly, Nabiki had her back to her family as she presented to them the newly assembled grill to the rest of the family. It was a shining, stainless steel work of art, sitting in their traditional Japanese arranged back yard by the pond.

"Sixty-thousand BTU output, nearly a meter-wide cooking area, stainless steel construction, fully customizable, and fueled by propane. This is the height of American grilling technology, and it cost HELL to get." She called to the grill. "How much was it again, China Doll?"

Shampoo stood up from behind the grill, and tossed a screwdriver in toolbox sitting next to the grill. She had been the one who put it all together. "The price tag was six-hundred thousand yen, including shipping."

"And I copped that bitch." Nabiki boasted.

"Magnificent," Soun spoke in awe.

Genma agreed. "Truly, it is, Tendo."

Ranma stared at it, and could only think of all the delicious meat that was going to be cooked on this grill. All Kasumi could think about was all the delicious meat that she was going to cook on this grill. All Akane could think about was where in the hell did Nabiki get all of that money.

"She's all ready to go." Shampoo patted the top of the grill. "Propane tank's loaded, every nut and bolt is accounted for, and I even loaded up the accessories."

Ranma walked over and examined the grill, lifting up the cover to spy the cooking surface. "Geez…I'd like to get in on what Nabiki's on if she can throw away this much money."

Shampoo snickered, as though it was the funniest joke in the world, before she leaned against the grill and called over to Nabiki, "So what's the occasion anyway, why the big spending?"

"Nabiki didn't tell you? We're celebrating the sealing of the evil master of the School of Indiscriminate Grappling," Akane replied.

At this, Shampoo nodded. "Oh, you mean Happosai!"

Soun froze in horror, as Genma leaped over the grill and tackled Shampoo to the ground, a hand clamped over her mouth. "You fool; you must never utter his name!"

Shampoo gave him a look that warned him he had only seconds before she destroyed him. Genma quickly got up and backed far away from Shampoo, before clearing his throat and explaining, "To even utter his name aloud is a curse upon you and those you love."

"It is as the saying goes, speak of Cao Cao, and Cao Cao arrives," Soun said, evoking the image of the famous Chinese General in the minds of his audience.

Shampoo snorted. "There's nothing sufficient firepower can't deal with. Knowing he was the master of your school was why I went to Thailand for training before coming here."

Soun looked over to Genma. "Hah, did you hear that, Saotome? She thinks she could defeat our master with firearms!"

Genma laughed boisterously. "What a stupid girl!"

Shampoo kicked Genma into the pond, and then stomped on the panda's head when he tried to crawl back out.

As Shampoo stomped on the panda a few more times, Soun looked up to the late morning sky and reflected as a sentimental wind began to blow. "He was interfering with our lives to the point where we could not live for anyone but him. I cannot imagine what life would've been like had he been around during your mother's illness."

Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane all became a little solemn at that. It was something that none of the Tendo sisters ever wanted to think about, which was the crux of why they in particular were so grateful that Soun and Genma got rid of the bastard. Akane looked over to Ranma, who had never once met the man and hummed to herself as she partly envied his childhood.

Ranma folded his arms. "Well, I suppose I can't fault you for doing the right thing in the end."

Genma held up a sign that read, "Of course not!" He flipped it around. "It's like I said! We spared your entire childhood suffering beyond worldly comprehension!"

Ranma nodded, and then grew thoughtful. "Though…I think I understand now where you got your insane training techniques from."

"…And his 'bargaining skills', don't forget those," Nabiki chimed in, the words like an arrow to Genma's panda heart.

"…His greedy, conniving nature," Akane added, adding another arrow.

"His fixation on women's clothes probably came from him, too." Kasumi's words were worth three arrows.

Genma flipped his sign around again. "THAT WAS ONLY TWO TIMES!"

Shampoo then raised a finger. "You have to admit though, Ranma, Happosai was still a skilled man. In a sense, you owe him for being good as you are."

Genma swung at Shampoo with a sign reading "Don't say his name, damn it!" and he was promptly kicked back into the pond. Soun then added a bit more wisdom. "Were it not for our old master, your father and I would not have agreed to join our schools, and you would not have met Akane."

Ranma looked over to Akane, who nodded in agreement, and acquiesced. "There's that too."

"But that's where the gratitude stops," Soun quickly added, "That man was evil, evil incarnate, and the happiest day of my life will always be when we buried that filth in a hole full of lit TNT and left him to DIE."

Ranma did a double-take. "Wait, you did what?"

He looked to the sky, stopped, and then looked to the ground. "You hear that, Master? You're in Hell because of us! Never again shall you cast your shadow upon our lives, Happosai!"

It was at that moment that the door leading out the back of the Tendo compound opened, the loud creak of the old hinges catching everyone's attention and drawing their gazes to the now wide open doorway in the wall.

"Uh…" Soun blinked several times.

Genma pulled himself out of the pond and stared.

A man in a tattered cloak that covered most of his body stood in the doorway, from under the hood, the ends of a long, tan scarf hung. The strangely convenient wind continued to blow, causing the hood to obscure most of his face except for his eyes, which stared piercingly at the group.

Kasumi remembered her manners, and stepped forward. "Ah, can we help you sir?"

"Yes, you can." He said with a noticeable accent. "I've traveled a great distance in search of one man, and my journey has brought me here." He pulled his hood back, revealing the face of a handsome young Chinese man around Ranma's age. "Tell me, where can I find Happosai?"

The silence that followed lasted for a long time; it felt like hours but it was actually only a few seconds before Ranma spoke. "Oh, he's dead."

The silence reigned for even longer this time, and the Tendo family and their guests suddenly felt the crawling, heavy sensation of doom settling upon their shoulders as the young man responded with a sudden, somewhat unstable chuckle. "…I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Nabiki immediately turned and walked towards the house. "Yep, I'm out."

Ranma looked over towards his Dad and Soun, and then to Akane, who elaborated, "He has passed on, that person is no more. He's expired and gone to meet his maker-."

"Swear to God Akane, you say one more word and I'm sleeping on the roof," Ranma threatened.

"He's dead." Kasumi said it plainly, before gesturing to her father and Genma. "They killed him."

The young man's wicked-looking eyes widened, and he turned his gaze to lock on the two men. His unstable laugh vanished, and his expression became one of incomprehensible rage. "You killed him?"

"They buried him in a hole full of lit TNT and left him there. I think that qualifies as pretty-fucking-killed." Shampoo noted.

"So what, was he your dad or something?" Ranma asked. The thought of Happosai successfully passing his genes horrified Akane; if this young man was his son, she was going to kill him where he stood with no hesitation.

The young man didn't answer Ranma's question, he couldn't hear him over the sound of pure rage overriding his every thought process. "My life…you've ruined my life forever."

He attacked with unbelievable speed, rushing towards Soun first. "I'M GOING TO KILL THE BOTH OF YOU!"

Akane suddenly materialized in his path, and he reacted instinctively, leaping clear of her strike that left his cloak slashed to pieces. Flipping through the air, he landed on the wall surrounding the dojo in a crouch. Akane lowered her hands and stared up at him, daring him to come down.

"You're not killing anyone until you tell us what Happosai meant to you!" She demanded. Ranma quickly joined her side, and everyone got a closer look at the man, and realized that he the tan scarf was an overstretched pair of pantyhose wrapped around the waist of his green attire.

"That man is nothing endearing to me, I just needed him alive!" He answered. "But he's dead now, so there's nothing I can do, nothing at all!"

Ranma stepped forward. "Well, what did you need that old bastard for?"

The young man stood tall. "Since my birth, I've been cursed by that man, and he was the only one who could lift it. With him gone, it never will."

"That's terrible, isn't there anything we can do?" Kasumi asked.

"Nothing…but killing the men who murdered him would make me feel a hell of a lot better."

Ranma and Akane looked to each other, and thought about it. The former spoke first. "This one's a toughie."

"Yes." The latter agreed.

Soun was caught off balance. "What do you mean, 'a toughie'?"

"On one hand, they're our dads and we owe them a lot." Ranma mused.

"But they've also tried to barter us off for petty things, and expected us to deal with the consequences after." Akane noted.

"Yes, yes…but they did kill Happosai." Ranma looked over to Kasumi. "What do you think? Should we let him?"

Kasumi folded her arms. "They've been very good the past few months."

"Or rather they haven't had any dirty laundry land on our doorstep." Nabiki was sitting on a lawn-chair on the back patio, eating potato chips with one hand and holding a camcorder in the other in anticipation of things going stupid.

"Either way…" Kasumi shook her head no.

Ranma looked up at the guy. "Sorry pantyhose dude, but we're going to have to ask you to fuck off."

The stranger visibly tensed, but he didn't erupt like he had before. He then smirked. "I'd like to see you try to stop me, tranny bitch."

Ranma kicked him so hard that his tenth ancestor and tenth descendant felt it. As the belligerent young man became a speck on its way towards the lower stratosphere, Ranma lowered his leg. "Stopped, motherfucker."

The thought then occurred to him. "Wait, he called me a tranny."

"Yeah, how would he know about your curse?" Akane asked, before she noticed something at the base of the wall, where the stranger had been standing seconds before Ranma kicked the shit out of him. Walking over to it, she picked it up. "The Jusenkyo Client Register? That's how he was able to find us!"

Ranma snorted. "That's the curse he's bitching about? He's worse than Ryoga in every way, now."

"Well, he's gone so how about we forget about him for now and have ourselves a barbecue?" Kasumi asked.

Ranma cheered. "YES! Kasumi, fry me up a steak, three steaks!"

As everyone else headed back over towards the house to get their grill on, Akane looked at the Jusenkyo Client Register. She couldn't help but wonder what kind of curse Taro had picked up, and what his next move would be.

* * *

Golden Week passed without as much as a peep from the pantyhose guy, and just as everyone was getting comfortable with their vacations, the salt mines sang their siren call and children and adults alike returned to their daily routines. Shampoo was no different, as she returned to Nerima after making a quick breakfast delivery across town. As the weather was much nicer, she was back on her bike rather than the Cat Café's modest fleet of delivery vehicles.

Personally, she preferred being on her bike to driving, she didn't catch as much flak from cops for speeding.

"Hey Great Grandma, I think I've got myself a new job." She was speaking in Chinese to Cologne via Bluetooth headset, something she recently integrated into her bicycle and was quite proud of. "It's the Minato delivery; it's an on-call Engineering job."

Cologne expressed her congratulations, and quickly asked when they expected her to start and what the requirements were. "They liked my resume and they said that all I'll need really is to dress in style."

She looked up the road ahead, and quickly slammed the brakes on her bike, skidding to a stop in the middle of an empty neighborhood street. Staring at the person blocking her path, she raised her fingers to her earpiece. "I'll call you back."

Dismounting her bicycle, she folded her arms and called out to the pantyhose guy, who was taking a sip from a water bottle. She called out to him, in Chinese, "Alright, what do you want?"

He lowered the water bottle from his lips. "I want to get a point across."

"And that would be?" Shampoo drew a drum-fed automatic shotgun and pointed it at him.

"That faggot Ranma doesn't realize who he's fucking with."

Shampoo lowered her weapon, and laughed. "Oh man, I was going to shoot you but I think I'll save myself the bullets. Frag rounds are expensive, especially in this shitty country, you know?"

No, she was going to beat this moron to death with her bare hands.

"Laugh it up, cow, but it's not going to be funny for long." He held up the bottle. "I'm getting a little heated, so I think its time I cool off."

He proceeded to dump the water on his head. An instant later, Shampoo's eyes widened in disbelief, and she quickly raised her shotgun to fire as an immense shadow fell over her.

* * *

"Man, Golden Week goes by way too fast," Ranma complained. He and Akane were walking through the gates of Furinkan High School with the other students, the air filled with the cacophony of friends and cliques talking about their vacations.

"Well of course it goes fast when you're having fun." Akane wasn't complaining about it at all. Last year, her Golden Week was spent fighting off idiot boys who insisted on carrying out Kuno's little challenge outside of school. Spending it going out on dates, training, having barbecues and other leisurely activities was something she was going to get real used to.

Ranma smirked. "Yeah, yeah…"

Akane smiled brightly. "It's so weird, last year I was dreading coming back." She stopped and looked around. "I stood right here, facing off like eighty boys, and my first thought was. I'm going to be late for class."

He couldn't resist. "And then you beat them off with both fists."

Akane snapped a kick at his head. "Asshole!"

Ranma bowed low to dodge it, and looked up. "Red lace, eh? Are you in a naughty mood today, Akane-chan?"

He performed a slide-flip to avoid a stomp, and landed on one foot to bounce away from Akane. Looking back at her red face, he shrugged his shoulders. "Even after all I've taught you, you still leave yourself open, what is a sensei supposed to do with a student like you?"

Akane huffed. "Just for that, you won't get to see them again for the rest of the day."

"Yeah, keep thinking that," Ranma replied. It was at that moment that a blur descended upon him, and a familiar voice bellowed.

"SAOTOME YOU FIEND, HOW DARE YOU-!"

Ranma quickly turned to shut up Kuno with a kick, but much to his surprise missed, as Kuno had stopped short and smirked. "…Not say hello to your sempai coming in?"

He was wearing his sunglasses, and sporting a healthy tan from a trip to somewhere tropical. Ranma lowered his foot. "Ha, ha, very funny."

"Wow, where'd you go? You look great," Akane said as she joined Ranma's side.

"Hawaii, Kochi and I went to drop our father off, but it was so nice we decided to spend the rest of our week there."

Akane nodded. "…You tan very well." She then noticed that Kuno apparently had some other additions, namely the metal clips at the tops and backs of his ears. "What are those?"

"Oh these?" Kuno touched them. "They're magnets for keeping the sunglasses on; I picked them up when I was trying out surfing." He then tried to remove his sunglasses, and they wouldn't budge. "They do their job very well."

Kuno would never grasp how much both Ranma and Akane–everyone really–appreciated his efforts to keep the sunglasses on and how much of a change it brought to the atmosphere to the school. Before, everyone had respected him for his strength and wealth, while tolerating his madness and buffoonery. Since Kuno had undergone his transformation, his charismatic and genial personality had quickly made him more popular than Ranma. Not that Ranma cared; he still had the hottest girl in school under his thumb, after all.

Ranma asked, "So, what happened to your crazy old man? Is he still in Hawaii?"

"Yes, we made sure to ditch him on the last day and booked an early flight back. He didn't seem to care and he'll be out of our hair at least for a few months," Kuno explained.

"It's a shame we can't get rid of Okama so easily." As Akane said this, she glowered at the dull, middle-aged man who was chastising some students running for the doors. Vice-Principal Kamoyo Okamada had begun working at the start of the term. A monotonous yet professional individual; he was hired to control the unruly principal as much as the students and he already had a reputation to be simply imperturbable under any circumstance.

"I'll gladly take a bore over a sociopath," Kuno retorted, "At any rate. Akane, I have a request for you."

"Huh? Oh, what is it?"

"As this is my last year of High School, I've made it my mission to ensure that the Furinkan High Kendo Club achieves dominance in the national championships. I would like for you to become an official member and lend your strength to ensure our victory."

Ranma, surprisingly, was all for this. "Hell yeah, it'll be just like Bamboo Blade!"

Kuno hummed in contemplation. "I'll need more girls for that."

"You say that like you'd have a problem getting some." Akane teased.

At that, Kuno smirked. "I haven't had that problem at all, lately."

Before more banter could be enjoyed, Ranma experienced a Newtype Flash-like sensation and turned around in time to kick aside the mangled remains of a bicycle away that had been thrown at him and Akane. His eyes widened, as he looked at the bike's remains and realized that it was Shampoo's!

"That's Shampoo's…!" Ranma looked towards the direction of the person that threw it, and his blood chilled. Akane clapped her hand over her mouth, to stifle her gasp, as Kuno stepped forward, as aghast as the other two.

It was the pantyhose guy, his face and arms splattered with blood. In one hand he dragged Shampoo behind him by her hair, her limp, badly beaten body leaving a smear of blood on the sidewalk that led out the school's gate and out of view.

"Your whore thought she could entertain me, but she's all used up now." With that, he threw her at Ranma.

Ranma caught her and knelt down to check her. She was breathing, but she looked like she'd been mauled by a wild animal. "What the hell did he do to you?"

Ranma looked back up at the man, who pulled out a bottle of water and took a nonchalant sip from it. "Oh man, you have no idea how fucked you are, pantyhose boy."

"A faggot like you would know all about being fucked, huh?" Pantyhose swirled the water inside the bottle. "This is only the beginning, that cow has no idea how lucky she has it, compared to what I'm going to do to you…"

He then gestured to Akane. "…And her."

"Just try it!" Akane screamed at him. Her anger was nearly uncontainable.

"I don't need a bitch's permission to do as I please." He took another small drink from his water bottle.

Ranma too was getting angrier by the second. "You're a real jackass, you know, pulling all of this shit because Happosai dunked your idiot ass in a cursed spring!"

The young man stopped, lowered the bottle from his lips. He smiled. "…Curse? You think my being dunked in a spring is a curse?" His smile grew. "I guess someone with such a weak curse as yours would call it that."

Pantyhose flicked some water from the bottle at Ranma's face, and his target quickly sidestepped it. At this, the wicked young man laughed. "And that's the difference between your curse and my gift."

"Let me show you the true horror of the Jusenkyo Springs, ladyboy." He dumped the bottle on his head.

As with every Jusenkyo Curse, the change was instantaneous, and the end result caused Ranma to stop and stare as Akane and Kuno tensed in disbelief. Towering over them was a near fifteen foot tall monster. A shaggy, minotaur-like creature with sharp horns broad, crane wings, and a snake-like tail that let out a crack as it whipped around. Raising its hands above its head, the beast let out a bellowing moo as the other students in the school's front yard turned and ran screaming from the monster.

"What is that thing?" Ranma asked.

Akane didn't quite comprehend what she was seeing either. "You ask me this like I'd know."

The Pantyhose monster attacked, much faster than its size would suggest, and Ranma, Akane, and Kuno scattered from its path with Ranma tightly holding onto Shampoo. The punch it threw to smash Ranma instead destroyed the sidewalk where they had been standing, creating a massive hole in the ground.

"It's faster than it looks," Ranma assessed before he looked to Shampoo. He had to get her away from here. He turned and handed her to Akane. "Take Shampoo and get out of here!"

Akane wanted to protest the idea, but the monster was looking ready to attack again. She quickly and quietly retreated, forcing down her rampant emotions to better utilize the Umisenken and ensure her speedy withdrawal.

Ranma crouched and then threw himself at the beast like a missile, only to miss as it took to the sky with a strong flap of its wings. He staggered to a halt and looked up at the creature as it began to circle overhead. "Damn it!"

"Ranma," Kuno called out as he rushed over with a bokken ready, "Take the fight to him!"

Kuno performed an uppercut and Ranma jumped up onto the bokken, using the powerful swing to send him straight for the monster. Turning over in midair, Ranma snapped a kick for the pantyhose bastard's neck, only to have it blocked by one of its muscular arms. Undeterred, Ranma kicked himself off the monster and higher into the air.

"You picked the wrong guy to fight up here," Ranma warned him.

Letting out and amused, bestial snort, the monster flapped its wings hard and shot towards Ranma horns first, to impale him at the top of his brief ascent. At the last possible second, however, Ranma grabbed the horns in an iron grip, and swung his feet into the creature's chest, knocking it back with a moo of pain.

Ranma began to fall towards the trees that ringed the school, and held out his arms and legs to slow his descent while keeping an eye on the pantyhose monster. Recovering, the creature snorted and shot off like a blur, diving below him. Ranma followed it with his eyes, turning himself over as the monster suddenly came up from below, repeating its previous attack.

"Feh…" Ranma flipped himself over to deliver an axe-kick onto the monster's head, but it suddenly changed direction and moved to his side, its hands clasped over its head to deliver a hammer blow. What ended up happening was Ranma hitting it hundreds of times in the span of two seconds and kicking it in the chin, sending it flipping backwards end over end.

"That was a weak-ass feint, pantyboy!" Ranma shouted as he landed on a tree branch. As it bent under his weight, he reached down and grabbed another branch, stopping the one he crouched on from snapping back up. "The Saotome Style specializes in aerial combat!"

Grunting, the monster shook its head, and then bellowed at Ranma, before charging straight for him, fire in its eyes. Smirking, Ranma let go of the branch securing him and flung himself into the air to meet his charge. Rather than try to attack, the pantyhose monster dove and then looped over Ranma. Directly above him, it flapped its wings hard, creating a downdraft that buffeted Ranma and sent him falling straight down.

"Damn it…!" He recovered and landed atop pavement, cracking it under his feet. He looked back up in time to see the monster diving straight for him. When he jumped back to avoid it, he realized immediately that he'd been played.

"Oh shit…!"

Kuno was running around the corner of the school building where the battle had led, a number of braver students following after him…to watch of course. Amongst them were Hiroshi and Daisuke.

"Do you think that thing was a demon?" The former asked the latter.

"It's something more Sailor Moon's speed, don't you think?" The latter replied before they bumped into Kuno's back, the other students behind them also jogged to a stop when they found Vice-Principal Okamada barring their path.

"What do you think are you doing?" The Vice-Principal demanded.

Hiroshi answered, "We're going to watch the fight, duh!"

"Get out of the way, Okama-sensei!" Daisuke demanded. He earned an immediate glare from the principal.

"I don't know how Principal Kuno liked things run here before, but if there is a dangerous…creature on the loose it is my responsibility as an educator to ensure the safety of his students!"

At that moment there was the sound of rock splitting, and then the roar of a torrent of water. Hearing it, Vice-Principal Okamada turned and rushed around the corner with the students following, and stared in dismay at the fountain of water rising above the trees.

"Aiyah…now the water main's been broken!" He moaned in annoyance.

Kuno knocked Okamada aside and charged towards the geyser. This was not good.

* * *

Now a girl, Ranma tried to shake the raining water out of her hair and looked up at the monster as it stood to full height over her. The Pantyhose Monster grinned at her, as it raised its hand, and gestured for her to attack him.

"Don't think that because I'm a girl it'll be any easier for you!" She declared as she took him up on his invitation. When she jumped to kick it in its ugly bull face, the beast blocked her kick before opening its hand and swatting her to the ground with a loud bang.

Undaunted by the impact, she instantly got up and attacked again, much lower and faster, kicking the monster in its stomach and sending it sliding backward. Somersaulting over and over, Ranma landed in a handspring and launched herself to kick it in its chin and knock him back again.

Recovering with a flap of its wings, the monster tried to punch her down but she caught its arm. Still in mid-air, she twisted her body and threw the monster over her shoulder into the trees, knocking one of them down and the branches off others.

As she landed, she shook her head and looked around. "I need to find some hot water."

"Ranma!" Kuno called as he arrived on the scene.

"Eh? Kuno, get the Hell back!" She called out to him.

A cracking and a rumble sounded, before the tree the monster had knocked over was thrown at her like a missile. Wasting no time, she unleashed the Chestnuts at the bottom of a deep fryer-fist, reducing the tree into splinters in seconds like a human wood chipper. She had just about deflected the rest of it when the creature bashed her atop the head with a large branch from another tree. Raising the branch, the monster swung it like a bat, sending Ranma into the wall of the school–the force so great that the branch shattered on impact.

Embedded into the reinforced wall of the school, Ranma shook her head, and huffed. "Yeah…I get a better workout from Ryoga."

She rolled up and out of the imprint she made to avoid the monster's horns and spun to swing a devastating kick down onto the back of the monster's neck, and down it went, face-first into the grass.

As she landed on its back, she felt something bite the base of her neck and let out a yelp of pain before she was thrown off the beast's back. Landing in a tumble, she got up and gripped her neck as the best got back up. She pulled her hand away and saw it stained with blood. "You bastard."

Getting up, the pantyhose monster turned to face her, and its tail peered from behind its back to look at her. It was an eel or snake or something, and it seemed to grin at her spitefully as her blood stained its jaws.

Good God, that thing was freaky! "What the hell spring did you fall into?" And why didn't she fall into it?

With a powerful flap of its wings, the monster took to the air, looped, and then swept in for another diving attack. Ranma turned and ran, quickly opening the distance between her and the monster, before she ran up a tree trunk and leaped up to its very top. At the top of the tree she jumped and grabbed the branch, bending it back to use as another slingshot as the monster emerged from the canopy of trees.

The branch snapped back, launching her towards the creature as it barreled towards her. At the last possible moment, however, the beast's wings pivoted and he slid to the right before she could launch her attack, and Ranma was caught directly in the gut by the leading edge of the wing. Stunned by the force of impact, Ranma was left wide open to another hammer blow, this one connecting to her chin and launching her upward like a rag doll.

Ranma, however, was still conscious. "Is that the best you got?"

The monster then grabbed her by her arms–it's large, powerful hands clamped around her elbows and holding her arms out–and with a flap of its powerful wings shot higher into the sky. The air buffeted at Ranma, as she struggled to get free, and she looked up at the beast's muzzle. "You're only making this worse on yourself, pantyhose bastard-WHOA!"

It performed a sharp turn, holding Ranma out beneath its body as it banked hard and went into a turning descent. On the ground, Kuno stared wide-eyed at this new development. "What on Earth is that thing doing?"

Ranma already knew the answer, as the hard, continuous downward spiral began to have its effect on her. First her vision began to grey, and then tunnel. _"Shit…he's trying to make me black out!"_

The turn tightened as the monster used its dive to put out more speed and force. Ranma struggled again, but her arms felt numb. _"I got to…break…"_

Everything went black then as the lack of blood-flow to her brain resulted in a loss of consciousness. It was at that moment, when she went slack in his grip, that the monster lifted her up over its head, and dove straight down, slamming her head-first into the ground at the last possible second. The force of the impact knocked over several trees, and sent Kuno stumbling backwards.

Shampoo sat awake in the infirmary, and immediately fell over onto her side, groaning. "Fuck…FUCK!"

It hurt to move, to even breathe, as she rolled onto her back again and looked around. Akane was at the bedside, anxiously looking to Nabiki, who had held the smelling salts to the injured Joketsuzoku's nose. Nabiki stepped away and put away the salts. "Welcome back, now how about explaining what happened?"

* * *

Shampoo looked around, and realized she was in the Furinkan High School infirmary. "Where the fuck is that bastard?"

Akane responded, "He brought you here after beating the crap out of you; he's fighting Ranma right now! What happened to you?"

Shampoo immediately tried to get up. "I didn't even a second before he was all over Shampoo." She rubbed her injured shoulder. "If he's been cursed to be that since he was born, then he must know every aspect of it and how to use it. If Ranma is going to beat that guy, he needs to get him out of the curse."

Akane jumped up and ran out the door, in search of a kettle and some hot water.

Outside, the monster descended slowly and landed over Ranma's limp body. Letting out a deep laugh, the monster cracked its knuckles. She was as tough as that Nyucheizu bitch, maybe even tougher, but all the physical toughness in the world meant nothing if all the blood drained from your head and you lost consciousness. Now it was time to tenderize the meat, but this time around he wasn't going to stop until the ladyboy was a smear on the grass.

As it raised its fist to begin pummeling Ranma, however, Kuno dropped in from above and shattered a bokken atop the beast's head, causing it to stagger back. Taking advantage of the distraction, he picked up Ranma and quickly dashed away from the monster, whistling loudly as he reached the school's football field.

Ranma regained consciousness. "Ugh…the Hell…?" She remembered what happened, and quickly jumped from Kuno's arms. "That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!"

She felt dizzy, and fell onto her backside. "…Fuck…"

"Do you need a moment?" Kuno asked as the monster leaped into the air, and landed at the end of the field.

"Just a few…and some hot water…" Ranma slowly got up.

Kuno nodded and began to walk towards the monster. "Then allow me to entertain him for as much time as you need."

The creature bellowed at Kuno, daring him to die for nothing, but Kuno came to a stop at a point halfway between Ranma and the monster. "Surely," He asked, "You do not expect me to fight you without a weapon, do you?"

Kuno then called aloud, "Furinkan High School Kendo Club, your Captain needs a sword!"

The sound of multiple projectiles whipping through the air became readily apparent, before numerous bokken landed in the field around Kuno, all thrown by the members of the Kendo Club, summoned by his earlier whistle. Grasping the hilt of one of the weapons, Kuno pulled it out of the ground, and pointed it at the monster.

"Alright, now we may begin."

The monster answered his challenge, skimming the ground at explosive speed with the intention to gore Kuno and toss him aside. Running forward, Kuno let out a yell, and swung the bokken, striking the bullish creature across the muzzle. The weapon shattered from the force of the blow, as before, but Kuno did not miss a step and rolled under the charging beast.

Getting up, he pulled another bokken out of the ground as the monster turned to face him. Kuno chuckled. "Hey, did that hurt?"

When the monster growled, Kuno rested the bokken over his shoulders. "It's rather simple, demon, if you can't defeat me then you stand no chance against Ranma Saotome. So come on, prove that you're worthy to fight him."

Proving worthiness? The monster was offended; Ranma was dead to rights if not for this one's untimely intervention. Kuno could almost understand his agitated growl.

"Oh no, you wouldn't have won then. You probably just would've annoyed him even more," He explained.

With a loud, annoyed moo, the monster attacked again. It got in close, but its attempt to punch Kuno was defeated when Kuno suddenly disappeared from his sight. Another bokken shattered, this time against the monster's stomach. Behind the monster, Kuno picked up another bokken and smashed it against the monster's lower back before springing away.

"Damn," Ranma muttered, "I guess I wasn't the only one who's been putting in work."

"Ranma!" Akane ran over with a kettle. "Oh thank goodness, you're all right!"

She poured some water atop Ranma's head, turning her into him, and then looked at the Pantyhose freak. "Don't let him keep fighting as a monster; he's not going to go down in a straight fight like this!"

"I know, holding back Kuno can smash concrete with the air pressure from his swings. With the force Kuno's hitting him with, Pantyboy's bones should be goo right now," Ranma replied.

Kuno picked up another bokken as the beast took to the air, and began to circle overhead. Turning over, it dove towards Kuno, roaring loudly. Kuno swung his bokken, creating a pressure wave that struck and forced the monster to spiral aside, barely recovering just above the ground.

When the monster reared upright to slow down, Kuno rounded it and jumped up to smash another bokken against its chest, knocking him back.

"Wow!" Akane gasped.

Ranma shook his head. "That's what's going on. He's using so much force that these wooden swords can't take it. They're the only things limiting his ability to hurt the guy."

Kuno attacked again, grabbing up bokken after bokken and breaking them after every strike against the beast's body. On the sidelines, the Kendo Club was in an uproar, cheering on their captain and his seemingly one-sided assault on the monster.

"Come on…!" Kuno broke another sword against the monster's stomach and dodged a swipe of its arm. "…Is that…" He smashes another against its jaw, causing the monster to actually totter a bit. "…the best you've got?" He jumped up broke another one square between its eyes. Roaring, the monster swung, the monster's fingertips ripping Kuno's shirt as the draft from the blow sent him flying back.

Kuno landed and picked up two more bokken, twirling them before adopting a two-sword style stance. "Whether this is your limit or not, I'm afraid this is the end of it."

The monster cleared the splinters from its eyes and let out a very angry bellow. While far from crippled, the pummeling it had been subjected to and the fact that he kendo practitioner was so annoyingly fast had left the beast sore physically and emotionally.

With a flap of its wings, the beast closed the distance to smother the swordsman before he could attack. Kuno had anticipated this, however, and struck much faster, using both swords to hit its upper arms, collarbone, windpipe, temple, diaphragm, ribs, groin, and thighs at such a speed that they felt simultaneous. As the monster recoiled, Kuno drove both blades into the dead center its chest, shattering them and sending the creature flying backward with the force of the blow. It landed, dropping down to its hands and knees, its entire body shuddering from the precise strikes before it looked up at him, its vision completely red.

Dropping the broken weapons, Kuno turned away from the creature. "And that's that."

He walked away from the pantyhose monster, and the field of broken bokken, and walked past Ranma. "Are you ready to take this from here?"

Ranma cracked his knuckles. "Oh yeah."

The monster pushed itself upright, and roared at Ranma…before a kettle suddenly appeared nestled perfectly between its horns. It then promptly split in half, sending hot water spilling over the monster and turning him back into human form. "W-what?"

His eyes widened, when he suddenly sensed Akane at his side. She was resting her hand atop his head. When he looked out the corner of his eye at her, she smiled and called out, "Hut, hut, HIKE!"

Ranma then kicked the pantyhose bastard with such force that a vapor cone appeared around his body, and then left a perfect ring-shaped cloud as he broke the sound barrier in his ascent.

Akane held up her arms. "The kick is good!"

"Pantyhose wearing pervert monster," Ranma said with a snort.

"I want to hope that he learned his lesson from this, but he's definitely going to be back." Akane was right, so long as there was a chance that guy could do damage to them, he wasn't going to go away.

"The only surefire remedy to idiot opponents seems to be making friends with them, in your cases," Kuno noted.

Ranma drew the line there. "Fuck that guy; I don't want to be friends with an asshole like him."

"What I'd like to know is," Akane said, "What was his deal? He said Happosai cursed him but he seems pretty happy with it!"

"That is because he is!"

Ranma, Akane, and Kuno looked over to see Cologne making her way over. It wasn't her who called out, though. At the old woman's side was a little girl approximately ten years old, dressed in typical Chinese attire and plum blossoms in her twin-tail braided hair. "Honored guest, I'm so glad I finally found you!"

Ranma blinked in surprise, he'd heard that before. "Honored guest?"

Akane groaned. "Please, I hope she's not some other girl your Father pawned you off to."

"No." Ranma smiled as the girl ran up to her. "Hey, you're from Jusenkyo, aren't you?"

Akane was taken aback. "She's from the cursed springs?"

"Yes, I am Plum, the daughter of the Jusenkyo Guide," She said in surprisingly clear Japanese, "I came here to warn you about that man and retrieve the stolen registry, but it appears I was too late."

Ranma waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it, the guy's a chump."

"Oh no, honored guest, that man is definitely no chump," Plum said gravely, "Let us go talk more elsewhere, there is much to discuss."

* * *

It was not long before Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Kuno and a heavily bandaged Shampoo were in the lobby of the closed up Cat Café, seated around a table with Plum as she slurped down some ramen. Genma and Soun were present as well, having just arrived from home at Nabiki's behest. As she finished the last of her food, she set down her chopsticks.

"That man's name is Pantyhose Taro," She said to everyone.

Ranma promptly lost it, bursting into hysterical laughter. Everyone else quickly followed except for Cologne, joining in laughing at the absurdity of such a name. For her merit, Plum let them laugh, to get it out of their systems because frankly it really was a hilarious name.

"Who on Earth would name their kid Pantyhose Taro?" Ranma asked Plum between his snickers.

She pointed at the circled name at the top of the Jusenkyo registry, the target of the monstrous young man's wrath. It was crudely spelled, but legible enough for her. "Happosai."

Everyone stopped laughing. Akane was horrified. "Oh God, he really is his son!"

Plum continued to explain, "No, no, wife of honored guest. In the village Pantyhose is from, the man who bathes a newborn first is given the right to name it. My father told me that one day, eighteen years ago, Happosai helped a woman in labor deliver her child."

Her audience was more surprised that Happosai would do something so altruistic. Plum carried on, "Happosai bathed the child in the spring of the drowned yeti riding a bull while carrying a crane and an eel, thus giving him the right to name him."

She lost Ranma at the spring's name. "Wait, wait, time out, he bathed Pantyboy in the spring of the _what_?"

"The spring of the drowned yeti riding a bull while carrying a crane and eel. 2,500 years ago, a yeti atop a runaway bull fell into a spring with a crane and eel in each hand. It is the most tragic story of the springs."

"Talk about winning the superpower lottery," Nabiki chirped.

"If I had to fall in any spring, I'd prefer that," Shampoo added. She then reflected on that. "I'd be okay with spring of the drowned man, too."

Nabiki nodded. "You'd probably fall in something lame though, like weasel, or dog, or cat." When Ranma blanched at the thought, she quickly added, "…Or girl."

"Eat all of the dicks, Nabiki," Ranma snapped at her.

Nabiki smirked. "Would you like me to start with yours?"

Cologne smacked both of them atop their heads with her staff. "There is a child in the room, you foul-mouthed brats!"

"Please continue, Plum," Akane politely said. She already found the child endearing, for referring to her as Ranma's wife, and for being really cute.

"Right, of course." Plum paused to drink the broth from her bowl, and spoke, "Because Happosai bathed him he was given the right to name him. After three days and nights, he chose the name Pantyhose Taro."

"Why?" Akane asked.

"According to what he told my father, it was a name 'everyone would love', or something to that effect," Plum replied.

Ranma shook his head. "Everyone would love it alright; if I had an embarrassing name like that I'd never want to be seen in public because of people cracking jokes."

"Your surname is 'Rice Paddy Girl', you know," Shampoo pointed out.

"Eat all of the dicks, Shampoo."

Shampoo didn't reply, and Cologne just hit Ranma this time.

"But wait," Nabiki asked as she rubbed her head, "Why didn't he just change his name?"

"Because village law states that only the person who named the infant can give it a new one."

Well, that would explain exactly why he was dead-set on finding Happosai, and why he flipped out and tried to kill Soun and Genma. It was almost worthy of pity, were the guy not a tremendous asshole.

Nabiki summed it up. "So the big bad of this story arc is a severely antisocial jerk-wad who can transform into an immensely powerful killing machine. Our only easy way of stopping him is literally dead and buried, and he's apparently no one to fu–mess with." Cologne drew back from hitting her.

Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "Meh, hot water will solve that problem. We just need to have some on hand for the next time he shows up." It slipped his mind, for only a second, before it hit him. "…Unless he attacks us in the open and it's raining."

"Let him come, you don't have to worry about him at all. I'll have something for his bit-his dumb cow face." Shampoo avoided being hit by Cologne as well.

It was then, that Kuno finally spoke, "I wish to fight him as well."

Everyone looked to Tatewaki, who stood up from the chair he had been seated at. "When I fought him today, I felt I was at a disadvantage. The next time we meet, I will defeat him decisively."

Ranma hummed, so Kuno was aware of it as well. To everyone's surprise, or maybe not, he shrugged his shoulders. "Go right ahead, you two, this isn't any of my business."

Shampoo grinned. "May I have permission to use my full arsenal?"

"Granted, go crazy," Nabiki answered.

"Fu–." Cologne brandished her staff and Shampoo stopped and corrected herself. "Thank you very much. Now, you and Shampoo are going shopping. I need a new bike."

Soun whirled upon Ranma. "You're not going to fight him?"

"I've literally kicked his shi–crap in twice; I have no interest in fighting this guy." Ranma explained before he put his arm around Akane's waist. "Now if you don't mind, we're going to head home." Akane smiled and kissed Ranma's cheek at that.

"Where's your pride as a martial artist?" Soun demanded.

Ranma waved without looking back. "It's reserved for an opponent who I want to fight!"

"Dam–curse you, Ranma!" Soun shouted after the two as they left, barely avoiding being whacked by Cologne. Soun began to bawl to Genma. "Our worthless children, Saotome, they don't care that our lives are at stake!"

Genma nodded in agreement, with a rueful expression on his face. "Where did I go wrong, Tendo?"

Plum stared. Her father was right, Japanese folks were either crazy or stupid.

Cologne then said to Soun, "Let him go, child. My Granddaughter has a much larger claim against Taro than Ranma does now. It will be handled by her."

"…And I," Kuno said.

Nabiki scrutinized Kuno further. "Pretty eager to throw yourself into the maw of the beast, aren't you Kuno-baby?"

Kuno reached up and adjusted his glasses. "I told that monster today that to defeat Ranma, he would have to measure himself against me." He looked at her directly.

"I want to measure myself against Ranma, and I want to start by defeating this beast."

* * *

A/N: April Fools!


	28. Sword of Doom

Disclaimer: Ranma does not belong to me. Though if it did, I'd swim naked in the money it made me, like Rumiko Takahashi does every fucking day.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**  
Sword of Doom

_You have to take the good with the bad._

**[28.]**

_Ganryu Island, April 13, 1612_

_The late afternoon sun gleamed off the sea surrounding the small boat-shaped island of Ganryu, as two swordsmen, already known as living legends faced against one another on the shore. One, an unkempt, disheveled man of nearly thirty years stood in the washing surf with his hands grasping an over-sized wooden sword, while the other, a young man of his early twenties if that, stood at the very edge of the rolling in foam, holding a sheathed nodachi._

"_Late as usual, eh Musashi? I'm flattered you think so highly of me," The young man called to his older opponent._

"_Forgive me, Koujiro, my boatman is unfamiliar with these waters," The older man replied._

_Grasping the sheath of his sword, the younger samurai removed it from the long gleaming blade, and tossed the sheath aside. "Well, shall we get this over with?"_

_Musashi narrowed his eyes. "You're throwing away this life, I see."_

_Koujiro snorted. "Eh?"_

_Musashi lifted the bokken he carried. "When you threw that scabbard, you threw away your life!"_

"_Of course, once I've defeated you, Musashi I won't need it anymore!" Koujiro raised the blade over his head, the setting sun gleaming off it. _

_Musashi readied his own weapon. "We shall see, Koujiro Sasaki!"_

_Like lightning, the two living legends rushed at one another, Koujiro's blade swinging down with such speed that it was a blur. However, the setting sun, shining off the water behind his target, caused him to falter for only an instant, and his sword fell just short of its target._

_As history speaks, however, the bokken of Miyamoto Musashi would not miss its mark._

* * *

_Furinkan, Nerima-ku, Tokyo, Japan, May 6, 2011_

Seated on the floor with his legs crossed and his arms folded, Ranma watched from the corner of the Furinkan High School Kendo Club as Akane dueled her fifth opponent since the session began. In nearly the year they had known each other and he had trained her, he never actually gave her the opportunity to show off what she could do in kendo and as he watched her make short work of this one, he was surprised.

"Impressive," He murmured as she delivered several scoring strikes on her opponent before he could lunge in with one of his own. In quick succession, she scored several more hits and knocked him down. On the last strike, however, the bamboo sword that she had been wielding shattered.

Akane looked at the ruined training weapon. "Oops."

Her opponent lifted off his mask, revealing the face of a muscular third-year with a buzz-cut. "Damn it, that's the fifth shinai we've lost!"

"I didn't mean to!" Akane pleaded, "I even held back, this has never happened before!"

Never back when she trained with her dojo's weapons at least. Akane held up the ruined weapon. "Where did you get these from? They must be low quality…"

Another student protested that notion. "These are hand-made and utilized by the God's Cry School of Kyoto, there's nothing low quality about them!"

"Nothing low in price about them either," Kuno said. He had been standing next to Ranma, overseeing the match.

"It's not the shinai that, the problem," Ranma commented, "Akane's gotten stronger."

Kuno nodded assent. "Yes, she's going to chew through our shinai like I did our bokken."

He stepped out and clapped his hands together. "Well done, everyone." He looked to Akane's latest opponent. "Naota-kun, there was no need for you to hesitate on your first strike, you left yourself open."

"But she…!"

Kuno cut him off swiftly. "Regardless of what she did beforehand, she is your opponent, and you must never hesitate with any action in combat." He looked to Akane. "The only fault I could find in your technique was that your movements are stiff, how long has it been since you've actually handled a sword?"

"It's been about a year, now that I think about it," Akane said as she tossed aside the broken training weapon. In fact, her last opponent in a kendo match was Kuno himself, which led to his idiotic challenge.

Kuno glanced with a smirk to Ranma. "The both of you are monsters."

"You could say we're scary monsters," Ranma replied as he got up from the floor.

Akane rolled her eyes and looked over to Kuno. "We can't use these crap shinai anymore, why don't we go get some more bokken?"

Kuno gestured for the rest of the club to take a break, and folded his arms. "Taking into account your membership and my own increase of strength, we'll have to purchase new, stronger equipment from an unorthodox source."

"What," Ranma asked, "Like one of those mysterious shops that'll disappear and never be heard from again after we shop there?"

Kuno adjusted his sunglasses. "Precisely."

* * *

It didn't take very long for Kuno to find such a shop, all the way over in Minato. It was certainly a weird place, a simple storefront leading inside to a large, surprisingly well lit interior. Chest high shelves lined the inside of the store, and ringing the rectangular floor space were display cases showing off old swords and other weapons, with more mounted on the walls behind them. Curiously, on the left side of the room, opposite of the register, all of the lights on the display cases were shut off.

At the register, a bored-looking girl around eighteen or nineteen read a trashy romance novel, and didn't so much as stir at the sound of the bell ringing as Ranma, Akane and Kuno entered the shop. Ranma and Akane followed Kuno over to the register and the woman behind it. Kuno cleared his throat, and the woman lifted up a hand in greeting. "Yo."

She hadn't even looked away from her book. Kuno ignored this. "Yes, I'm looking for wooden swords for training. Do you have a selection I can look at?"

The woman set down her book and stood up. She walked around the counter and over towards a large bin of carefully arranged bokken, and pulled one out. Measuring it, she turned and pointed it at Kuno's face. "How's this?"

She tossed it up and over, for him to catch by the hilt. Kuno weighed it in his hand. "No, it's far too light, I need something with density."

As the girl tossed Kuno another bokken, Ranma noticed a red haori mounted on the wall and read the tag. "What the hell is a Fire Rat?"

He looked down at the case underneath it, where an old rickety katana and sheath were mounted with great care. Written across the glass in bright red kanji was "In case of robbery, monsters, or Sailor Senshi, BREAK GLASS". Ranma looked to Akane. "This place is weird."

"Yeah, tell me about it," Akane said as she looked back to find Kuno and the shopkeeper juggling bokken as she offered him one after another, only for him to toss them back in rejection.

Catching the last rejected product, the shopkeeper tossed it back into the bin and pulled out another wooden blade. She tossed it to Kuno, who caught it and took a step back from the weight of the weapon. "Impressive."

He weighed the weapon in his hand and gave it a light practice swing, one-handed. "Hickory, isn't it?"

The woman nodded. "Because they're foreign made, they're not very popular so I've got a backlog. Clear my inventory and I'll give you a discount."

Kuno was sold. "You have yourself a deal," He said cheerfully, before looking out the corner of his eye to Ranma and Akane. Akane was holding up a boomerang taller than she was, while giving Ranma a completely baffled look.

Narrowing his eyes slightly, he looked back to the shopkeeper. "I would like to purchase a proper sword, as well."

At this, the shopkeeper gestured around. "Go right ahead, there are plenty for sale." She then caught the look in Kuno's eyes, hidden behind his sunglasses, and slowly nodded. "Ah, you need a _sword_."

She went back behind the counter. "These are all crap then, your selection is right over there." She gestured to the opposing wall and the unlit display cases that contained various swords and knives.

Kuno nodded and walked over to the case, and his eyes widened at the selection. "These are…!"

Ridiculously expensive, but at the same time these were the most breathtaking weapons he'd ever witnessed. "Incredible, these are genuine 'Noted Swords', how could such a small shop acquire such masterpieces?"

"We acquired them through interesting but entirely legal means, I assure you, but that's another story for another time." The shopkeeper leaned against the counter, and smiled, her blue eyes narrowing in amusement. "So, what exactly brings you to want one of these blades?"

Behind Kuno, Ranma and Akane had wandered off to a corner of the lit selection of swords, and were poking fun at some of the movie prop replicas mounted there. He rested his hands on the case, looking at no sword in particular. "There is a man I wish to stand on equal ground with."

"Chasing after someone, huh? I know how that is." The shopkeeper rested her chin on her palm and closed her eyes. "There's always going to be someone stronger. You might find yourself chasing one guy, but when you catch up with him suddenly there's someone stronger than him that you have to catch up to, and then when you catch up to that guy, there's another. The next thing you know, you're wandering the land, chasing after shadows that keep getting longer."

"You sound like you speak from experience," Kuno noted.

"I've walked down that path, yes, and there are only two possible outcomes for anyone who walks down that path. You'll either end up dead on the side of the road, or you'll end up like Miyamoto Musashi."

Kuno stared at her. "…One of the greatest swordsmen in Japan's history?"

The shopkeeper opened her eyes. "No you romantic idiot. You'll end up burnt out by the years and years of conflict, and with a body-count that rivals history's more prolific murderers."

"That's grim of you to say."

"Because the path a martial artist walks _is_ grim. But hey, I don't want to discourage you from buying one of these swords so I'll tell you this: Instead of chasing shadows, use one of these swords to fight for something." She looked down at the case. "The swords here were all owned by men who fought and died for something. What they fought for…it could've been good or ill, but they gave their strength to that rather than feeling a need to prove something to nothing."

Kuno looked back down at the katana under the glass, the youngest of them a hundred-fifty years old, but despite this well kept and in almost pristine condition. Of them, he saw a sword with red-bindings around the grip. The color made him briefly think of Akane, and his now long-passed affections for her thanks to the sunglasses. Following his gaze, the shopkeeper opened the sliding door behind the counter, and carefully removed the sheathed sword to offer to him.

"_These were the swords of men who fought and died for something."_ Kuno thought quietly to himself as he slowly unsheathed the blade, the fluorescent lights behind him gleaming brightly onto the perfectly polished blade.

The gleam caught Ranma and Akane's attention, and they looked to see Kuno holding up the completely drawn sword. Behind his sunglasses, Kuno's eyes shot wide, when he realized what she meant.

"_Samurai!"_

The gleam of light from the blade seemed to blind Kuno even despite his glasses, and in that brief blinding light he saw the heat of battle, of armored warriors clashing and struggling not for themselves, but for their lords and lands, for the people behind them. In short, for all that was greater than the swordsmen themselves.

Kuno blinked as he was back in the store, his hand now trembling as he held the sword aloft. "Magnificent."

"It's something, isn't it?" The shopkeeper asked.

"It's sold, is what it is," Kuno replied as he set down a credit card. "Run it through, for the bokken and for this."

Ranma looked to Akane, who shrugged her shoulders. He looked back to Kuno as the now giddy shopkeeper ran the card through the reader and happily thanked him for his service, and wondered what was going through his mind at that moment.

* * *

Kuno's brand new sword was securely on his hip, as the Kendo Club was celebrating its new supply of bokken with a practice the outside under the sunny afternoon sky the very next day. The football field had been quickly taken over by the Kendo Club, who was using it to stage matches and launch a recruitment drive for female students. Kuno seemed to have taken Ranma's Bamboo Blade-inspired idea seriously.

The cheers of female classmates were especially loud, as Akane sparred with multiple opponents, skillfully deflecting and dodging their attacks before disarming them of their wooden blades. Behind the crowd, Ranma and Ukyo watched Akane's demonstration as the former enjoyed some of the latter's cooking.

"She's amazing," Ukyo said before he gave Ranma a pointed look. "You've been neglecting her talent."

"Eh, it's more that her opponents aren't as good. When Kuno doesn't hold back, she has trouble," Ranma replied. "She's better off fighting it out hand-to-hand." He took another bite out of his okonomiyaki as he watched Akane knock down another opponent. "See? They're sloppy, and they don't have discipline."

"Huh, I can see it now." Ukyo then chuckled. "So it's kind of like before, she's not going to get any better against these guys."

"No, she isn't."

Ukyo flipped over several Okonomiyaki with such speed that they seemed to flip at once. "Ne, Ran-chan, have you considered letting her take up the sword properly? It'd be a pretty good complement to you."

"Find me someone who could train Akane to use a sword and I wouldn't mind." Ranma took a big bite out of his okonomiyaki.

As Akane disarmed and knocked down another student Ukyo asked, "What about Kuno?"

Ranma gulped down his food and frowned. "Eh? No."

"Don't trust him to be alone with her, huh?"

Ranma paused with the last of his okonomiyaki at his lip, but just as quickly shook his head. "What? No, it's not that! Kuno knows kendo, but he's not some master, he's just a really talented and dedicated guy in a high school kendo club. Akane would surpass him in just a few weeks; maybe even less time than that."

Ukyo nodded. "That's a fair point."

Ranma stuffed the last piece of okonomiyaki into his mouth, and held out his now empty plate. Ukyo flipped two more okonomiyaki onto it with laser precision. As Ranma blew on them to cool, he noticed Nabiki arrive on the scene, talking on a cell phone and looking uncharacteristically annoyed. Ukyo noticed as well, and his eyes lit up with interest.

"Look, I just got out of class and I'm busy right now. What do you want?" The person on the other end of the conversation had been wearing Nabiki's patience thin all day, ten text messages and four calls that went unanswered due to her being in the middle of class. When they finally explained themselves, Nabiki's eyes widened.

"What do you mean you need a loan, don't you have your own money?" Nabiki stopped, and then stared at the phone. "You want to buy a _what_?"

"Nabiki, what is it?" Ranma asked.

Nabiki held up her hand to cut him off, and spoke into the phone. "We'll talk later, okay?" She ended the call and looked to Ranma. "Oh, it's just that Shampoo doesn't want a bicycle anymore-." She immediately cut herself off and smiled when she saw that Ukyo was here. "Hello Ukyo, what are you doing here?"

Ukyo smiled to Nabiki. "Catering, Ran-chan asked me to come by since I didn't have school today."

Nabiki rested her hands on the table as she gave him a friendly look. "Where do you go to school?"

"Oh, Mugen Academy, but I only go part time because of business and everything."

"You go to Mugen Academy, too?" Nabiki sighed enviously. "What is it like to be nouveau riche?"

"It is…" Ukyo suddenly tossed her a paper plate, and with a ninja-like flourish he flipped it high above his head. As the airborne okonomiyaki plummeted to the ground, Ukyo drew and tossed a small spatula up like a throwing dagger to stop the okonomiyaki's flipping just before it landed on Nabiki's plate. "…Kind of like that."

"Cool." Nabiki said before she reached into her purse for money.

"No, no, that's on me," Ukyo said, and Nabiki let out an amused huff.

Ranma stared at this, and just smiled.

Out on the field, Akane was drinking some bottled water, as her next wave of opponents picked up bokken from the row of them lined up on a tarp along the sidelines. One of the students, Naota, was looking amongst the wooden swords when he saw one that stood out in particular. It was massive, easily four and a half feet long and it stood out even amongst the other long hickory bokken.

"Whoa, what's this one?" He immediately picked it up, and marveled at the weapon, it seemed older, sturdier than the other bokken assembled. "Sweet, I call dibs on this one!"

"Don't overcompensate, you pussy!" Another student taunted.

"Shut the fuck up, Takeshi!"

"Hey, can we get this over with?" Akane dumped the remaining water atop her head to cool off before the match start.

Still grumbling, Naota and the other kendo students slowly gathered and circled around Akane as she raised the bokken above her head and got ready for her opponents. Looking left right, and over her shoulders, she tightened her grip on the bokken.

"Go Akane!" Sayuri cheered from the sidelines.

Yuka was there as well, helping to play her up. "Show them what the strongest woman of Furinkan High School can really do!"

On the sidelines, Kuno's brows rose as he observed Akane's stance. "Interesting, such a high stance, she's daring them to attack."

"Aw man, she's mocking us now," One of the kendo club members surrounding Akane, Takeshi, said to Naota. "Don't make it easy for her, okay Naota?"

Naota, clutching the oversized bokken, nodded numbly as he stared at Akane's stance. "I won't."

The shadow of a cloud passed over the field as the cheering died down, and Ranma and Ukyo looked up at the sudden odd occurrence. Strange, there hadn't been a cloud in the sky a minute ago.

Kuno held up his hand, and then rapidly lowered it as he yelled out, "BEGIN!"

Nine of the ten students attacked Akane without hesitation, closing in on her from all sides with intention to strike her and score…just like the old days, some of them noted in the backs of their minds. Also like the old days, Akane was untouchable; her opening strike being a swing with such power that it knocked the two students attacking her from the front off their feet with the air pressure of the swing.

Her opponents were undeterred, as two more attempted to cut her down from the sides. Unfortunately for them, Akane suddenly disappeared from the paths of their blades, causing them to strike one another. Both weapons were knocked from their hands in the same instant, and the two defeated opponents each swore they could only see Akane moving out the corners of their eyes.

Ukyo went wide-eyed, he couldn't see Akane anymore. "Whoa, what the hell is that?"

Ranma smirked. "Oh, just a little trick Akane picked up."

The other remaining students were equally helpless, unable to track Akane even as she rushed up to them and knocked their weapons from their hands one by one, the bokken flipping from their hands as though struck by an invisible force. On the sidelines, Kuno wanted to remove his sunglasses dramatically at the display, but thought better of it.

He decided that he was going to hire someone to do that for him in the future.

"Shit, Akane," Nabiki said as her younger sister reappeared where she had been standing. She was in the exact stance and position on the field she had been when she had started, looking bored.

Before anyone could cheer, Akane turned her head and looked over at Naota, the only one who hadn't attacked her. "Hey, what's wrong, why'd you hesitate?"

Naota reached up, and removed his kendo helmet, tossing it aside. The buzz-cut styled youth then took the bokken in both hands, and pointed it at Akane. "I didn't want any interference."

Akane blinked, and faced him completely. "Eh?"

Kuno, Ranma, and Ukyo all noticed something was wrong; Naota was pale, shaking, and sweating profusely, like there was something weighing heavily on him.

"Guy looks like he's about to fall apart," Ukyo remarked as he flipped another okonomiyaki to Ranma, who caught it on his plate.

Nabiki cringed. "He looks like he's about to piss his pants."

As Naota stayed frozen in place, trembling like a leaf in the wind, the other students began to jeer. "Hey Naota either give up, or attack! What's taking you so long?"

Some were a little more supportive. "Yo, unleash your secret killing technique already!"

While other students yammered, Kuno narrowed his eyes as he felt the hairs on the back of his neck begin to rise. The bad feeling spread to Ranma and Ukyo as well, when Naota began to tremble more violently. Akane, naturally, was also put off by the extremely bad vibe that was coming from him.

"Naota…?" She asked, before he stopped and slumped forward slightly. "Eh?"

Naota then let out a laugh, and looked up at her. "So, this is how far the style of Koujiro Sasaki has fallen, used sloppily by sloppy women, how laughable!"

Akane took offense, naturally. "What did you just call me?"

"I called you sloppy!" Naota shot back, and grinned. "It's the way you hold a sword; assume your stance, and how you look! Tell me woman, do you hold that sword because you lack one of your own?"

"Well, he's dead." Ranma said as Akane closed in on Naota to sodomize him with her sword.

The other spectators swore they could see the red glow from Akane's eyes leave a trail behind her as she let out a roar and all but sliced the mouthy kendoist in half with a horizontal slash. Instead of being bisected, Naota went spiraling into the air, his body going one way while his weapon flipped end over end to embed itself blade first into the ground directly next to Nabiki.

"That was quick," An impressed Ukyo said.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "She's such a nerd."

As Akane rested the bokken over her shoulders, she looked back and clicked her teeth as Naota finally hit the ground behind her. "There's no jackass I cannot cut."

"Oh man, Naota are you alright dude?" One of the other club members shouted amidst the others running to Naota's aid.

Naota opened his eyes and groaned. "Ow…what happened?"

"Dude," Takeshi said, "Akane romped all over you."

"It wasn't even a fight, man, why did you say that?" Another club member asked.

"What did I say…?" It all clicked then, and Naota's eyes shot wide. "What…what happened to the bokken?"

His comrades stared at him blankly. "What bokken?"

Behind them, a hand reached out for the indicated weapon. Naota sat up, in time to see the owner of the hand grasp the bokken and pull it out of the ground.

"NO!"

Akane, Ranma, Ukyo, and Kuno quickly turned towards where Naota was pointing, as Nabiki finished pulling the bokken out of the ground.

"DON'T TOUCH THAT SWORD!"

* * *

A long, tense silence fell across the field, as more clouds began to gather overhead. Ranma and Ukyo glanced to one another, as Akane stood poised for anything. Kuno nodded over to a female student, now wearing sunglasses, and the student snatched off her sunglasses for dramatic effect. Nabiki blinked, and then looked down at the old wooden sword, before looking to everyone else.

"…What?"

The silence lingered a little longer, before the tension began to drain. Naota was surprised. "But…but that sword, when I held it, it possessed me!"

Akane stared at him. "What."

"The sword made you say that?" An unimportant member of the kendo club asked as the other spectators broke into laughter.

"Come on," Takeshi patted his friend on the shoulder, "I know you're sore about Akane beating you yesterday but that's kind of immature, eh?"

"I'm serious! It was the sword!" As Naota tried to defend himself, Nabiki's eyes wandered back to the bokken, and blinked.

Akane shook her head. "Whatever, can we go on to the next demonstration?"

It was then that a gust of wind crossed the field, surprising everyone with its suddenness. Everyone then noticed that the clouds overhead had grown unusually dark.

"The weather didn't say anything about a storm today," Ukyo said.

It hadn't at all, and even with his sunglasses, Kuno was not above superstition. "This is an ill omen." He looked to the other students. "Everyone indoors before the storm hits! We'll resume the demonstration in the gymnasium!"

Ukyo quickly began organizing and covering his ingredients, as the other students quickly began leaving the field. "Ran-chan, help me get my stuff squared away before it starts raining."

Just as Ranma was about to agree to it, both he and Ukyo sensed a massive killing intent, and quickly leaped back from a powerful slash that cleaved Ukyo's stand, cast-iron griddle and all, completely in half. Both landed safely away from the bisected stand, and gaped in surprise at Nabiki, who drew the bokken out of its remains.

"What the fuck, Nabiki!" Ranma sputtered as Nabiki swayed from side to side drunkenly with her head bowed. The others were likewise stunned by the feat of strength, since when was Akane's older sister that strong?

Kuno and Akane, of course, knew that answer right away, and the former grasped his sword in preparation to draw it. "An ill omen indeed!"

Nabiki tilted her head up to look at Ranma and Ukyo, just as a bolt of lightning crashed into the lightning rod at the top of the school. In the instant the flash created a silhouette of Nabiki, both martial artists could see a red glow shining through her bangs at them, as she grinned broadly.

Ukyo's eyes widened. "…Oh shit!"

Both he and Ranma quickly dove clear as Nabiki swung the sword, cutting a fissure into the ground that separated the two as they rolled back up to their feet.

"See! I told you, it's a fucking demon sword!" Naota screamed out as Akane quickly ran towards Nabiki.

"Nabiki, let go of that sword!" Akane yelled as she struck, swinging to disarm Nabiki of the sword.

Nabiki's own swing was far faster, and in a flash Akane was thrown back, her wooden blade reduced to splinters. Recovering in mid-air, she landed in a three-point crouch and gave a start when the breastplate of her kendo armor split diagonally and fell away.

"Such a sloppy woman," Nabiki taunted, her smooth, somewhat deep voice now possessing a demonic quality. She lifted the bokken to her lips and licked it before she added, "Though I shouldn't be one to talk!"

Akane growled and quickly rushed Nabiki, her hands held low as she opened them and prepared to slice the bokken apart. Her first slash with the glass-cutting technique missed as Nabiki suddenly leaned back. Spinning around, Akane slashed with her other hand, Nabiki dodging it by turning aside and jumping back from the attack's path.

As another flash of lightning cut across the sky overhead, Akane struck low and fast once more, performing an uppercut as Nabiki finally counterattacked, swinging the bokken down and deflecting the battle aura that covered her fingers. Akane stumbled back, and clutched the hand that Nabiki had deflected.

"Ow! Damn it what the hell?" She yelled as Nabiki deftly twirled the sword in her hand. She then saw the red aura that enshrouded the blade, and matched the glow of Nabiki's eyes.

Nabiki let out a laugh. "You can't even hold your sword or your tits up you dumb pig, what makes you think you can fight me barehanded?"

Akane's left eye twitched. "Okay, I mad."

"That's right, get angry! A fight's only a fight if you really hate your opponent!"

"I will hate you dead!" Akane growled before Ukyo grabbed and held her back.

"Down girl, remember that's your sister being possessed!" He yelled as he struggled to keep her from lunging for Nabiki.

"It's okay, I have another one!" Akane raved, before Ranma stepped up. "Ah, Ranma!"

Ranma cracked his knuckles. "Hey demon, want to fight a real man?"

Nabiki reached up, and began digging into her nose with her pinkie finger. "Show me where I can find one and we'll have a go."

When Ranma attacked, however, it was with speed that far outstripped Akane's and surprised the possessed Tendo sister. Rapidly, she took the bokken in both hands to parry his first strike, and was sent flying backwards.

Recovering and twisting herself into a spin, Nabiki landed just as Ranma appeared at her side, to snatch the sword out of her hand. Nabiki acted fast, yanking her hand back before slicing for Ranma's torso diagonally. Ranma jumped back and then quickly attacked, using his blazing fast hands to try to pluck the sword from her grip.

"Oh, I see!" Jumping back, Nabiki swung down with the sword, creating a pressure wave that buffeted Ranma, before she jumped back and atop one of the field's light poles. Another flash of lightning split the sky overhead, joined by ominous thunder.

"She's quick!" Ukyo gasped.

"Maybe she'll get struck by lightning now," Akane grumbled.

Ukyo looked at her. "She's possessed, that's not her doing that!"

Nabiki bit into the bokken, and tore away a sliver off the back of the wooden blade. Holding it between her teeth, she called down to Ranma, "Disarm the wielder and the demonic sword loses control over them, that's what you're thinking, right?"

Ranma narrowed his eyes; it was a genre savvy haunted sword. This was just great. Taking the sliver into her free hand, Nabiki grinned as it began to glow like the rest of the sword. "Well, I think I've got a counter for that."

Nabiki stabbed herself in the arm with it the sliver, the pain of the stab causing her to tense up and let out a loud moan of pain and arousal.

At this, Akane's anger at Nabiki went cold, replaced with horror and concern. "That sick monster…!"

"Oh yes…that's a good pain…!" Holding up her arm Nabiki licked away some of the blood. The demon sword's aura enveloped her body, and she nodded her approval. "Yes, this will do well."

"You know, you've only injured yourself. That's going to make fighting me a whole lot harder," Ranma pointed out.

Nabiki crouched down. "Yes, let's see how many of you mongrels I kill before this body gives out on me."

She kicked off the pole, and swung down as she rocketed towards Ranma. She missed him, but the ground in front and behind her was split for almost a hundred feet. Out of the kicked up dirt and rocks Ranma attacked, his amazing fists of fury looking rather blurry from the speed at which he was assaulting Nabiki.

Nabiki responded by quickly jumping back, the draft off his many blows brushing over her face. "A knockout blow, eh?"

Ranma closed the distance on her. "I don't have to beat the crap out of you to win; you just have to go down once!"

Before he could launch another punch, the end of the bokken materialized out of mid-air, plunging for his face. It was only by razor-sharp reflexes, that he managed to suddenly swerve out of the way and stumble backward. "What the…?"

"I dislike barehanded idiots, there's no satisfaction murdering someone who can't hold a weapon." She performed a shooing motion. "Find me someone with a sword to fight, where's that real man you were talking about?"

Ranma would've gotten annoyed, if he wasn't onto Nabiki's little ploy. "You're not going to rile me up that easily. I'm more than man enough for you!"

It was at that point that the sky opened up, and a torrential downpour turned Ranma into a girl.

Nabiki's red eyes widened at the sight, and then narrowed in amusement as they wandered over Ranma's body. "I'll spare you the humiliation of mocking you and simply compliment you on your childbearing hips."

Ranma remained in her fighting stance, perfectly frozen, as the heavy rain cascaded down her frozen form, her expression entirely blank. Behind her, Akane and Ukyo's expressions were identical, and none of them flinched as a bolt of lightning incinerated the nearby remains of Ukyo's cart.

Nabiki stared back at them, and then looked around. The silence seemed to stretch on for much longer than even the demon possessing her found comfortable, so she decided to change her mind. "So…do you spread your legs as much as that other pig?"

Ranma disappeared from where she stood, leaving a dry outline in the rain as she attacked Nabiki with every intention of atomizing the sword she held. She launched into a flying kick, but moving almost like a snake Nabiki ducked and evaded her before stopping with her back to Ranma.

Landing, Ranma snorted angrily and turned to charge her again. Nabiki dodged and sidestepped her strikes with an equally unearthly speed. "An opponent who is agitated and filled with turmoil makes rash decisions in combat, and relies more on tactile senses and reflexes."

Ranma performed roundhouse kick that Nabiki blocked with the side of the sword, the impact scattering the falling rain from them. She smiled from behind her bokken at Ranma. "Idiots like you are my favorite opponent, but I'd prefer if you had a sword."

"Don't look down on me because I don't fight with a flimsy stick!" Ranma yelled as she drew back and struck with the Chestnut Fist. Even as she threw the first punch, Nabiki ducked low under it. Ranma's second, much faster punch went clean through Nabiki's afterimage, surprising her. She was then jabbed in the back hard with the hilt of the bokken, the force of the impact launching her through the air and into the side of the school.

Nabiki laughed. "I'll just look down on you because you're weak!"

"Not weak, unfocused."

Lifting and swinging her bokken, she clashed with an oversized spatula, Ukyo staring death at her as he held the weapon tightly in both hands. "Never call Ran-chan weak, especially when you have to play games to defeat your opponent!"

"I'm at fault that you kids lack the discipline to master yourselves first?" As Nabiki broke the clash, she quickly deflected several smaller spatula whipped at her.

Akane then suddenly appeared behind her, the Praying Mantis Glass-Cutting technique slicing through individual raindrops as she swung for the bokken. Catching sight of Akane out the corner of her eye, Nabiki skillfully swung down under Akane and then up, catching her younger sister by the legs and sending her flipping end over end over Ukyo's head as he followed up.

Ukyo faked a slash with the large spatula, instead throwing two spatulas that Nabiki smartly deflected. As Nabiki was distracted, Ukyo suddenly vanished, leaving an afterimage behind him as he appeared at her side to attack. Nabiki followed the movement with ease, and went to slice through Ukyo with the bokken…only to be faked out with another afterimage.

Nabiki looked up, just as another bolt of lighting flashed overhead to reveal Ukyo falling towards her with a devastating vertical swing. It was too quick to evade, but just slow enough to force her to defend. So that was his plan. She smiled. "Clever little mongrel."

She leaped and swung, and then landed behind Ukyo as he landed the same. As the thunder caused by the lightning bolt rumbled overhead only a half-second later, Ukyo's spatula split in half, and a geyser of blood shot from his right shoulder and lower left side.

"Finally, a kill," Nabiki moaned happily as she turned to face Ukyo and raised her sword again. When she licked it, she blinked. "Sauce?"

A setup! She narrowly turned her body, and Akane's Praying Mantis Glass Cutting uppercut missed her bokken to slice cleanly through her uniform top and a few strands of her hair. Turning herself rapidly, Akane swung down and unleashed the attack again, only to have her hand stopped cold by Nabiki's own uppercut.

Akane's eyes widened from the pain as she heard as much as she felt most of the bones in her hand and forearm fracture. Landing on her back, Akane bit down her scream as she clutched her arm and rolled over from side to side on the ground.

"You unarmed dips are no fun to fight!" She walked over to Akane, and readied the bokken to impale her with it. "Stupid pig, squeal your last breath."

A trio of weighted lines then wrapped around her neck and arms, before Nabiki was yanked off her feet and onto her back by Ukyo. Yanking on the lines hard, he flipped Nabiki onto her stomach and tightened them to begin choking her. "You were open."

Nabiki looked up at Ukyo and grinned despite her predicament. "How many moves did you plan ahead for?"

Ukyo tightened the lines, intending to choke her out. "Just go to sleep already, this will all be over soon."

Gurgling, Nabiki began to struggle against the wires, managing to lift her free hand up to hook under the wires, and pull them slightly from her throat. "You seem…like the type to strategize convolutedly…was she really intending to cut the bokken, or were you just using her to probe me for a weak point?"

"Does it matter? It's over!" Ukyo declared.

"Is it," Nabiki tugged on the lines a little harder to keep her blood flow from being stemmed, "Ninja Girl?"

Ukyo's eyes shot wide, and his grip on the line slackened just enough. Grabbing the wires, Nabiki cut them with her sword, and then yanked Ukyo towards her. She then kicked him in the face with all her might before one-handedly smashing him into the ground with the bokken.

"Falling for such a weak insult, what kind of man are you?" She taunted Ukyo as she reached up and tore away what remained of her top. She blinked when she saw the bra she wore. "What is this thing?"

Nabiki grabbed one of her breasts and gave it a squeeze as she attempted to investigate the article of clothing. Staring down at the bra, she squeezed again and nodded in approval of the sensation. "Mm…I suppose the weaker gender has its perks."

She stopped, and then looked around; there was no one else outside. She looked towards the school, and nodded. "They're all in there, hm? These three must've been the noble sacrifice to allow the others to safety." She smiled. "Maybe I'll find a challenge in there, then."

A low sound, like an extremely angry cat, echoed from the direction of the school, specifically the hole in the wall that Ranma made. Nabiki, or rather the demon possessing her, then sensed it, more malice, but this time it was deeper. Pure killing intent aimed at her as a whole now, rather than just the bokken.

* * *

From the moment Ranma had openly engaged Nabiki, Kuno had been moving. First and foremost, he'd gotten everyone into the high school, and then secondly he ordered all of the students and faculty into his father's underground jungle playground, which he'd taken upon himself to convert into a tropical-themed bomb shelter for incidents such as this.

"Do you think Ranma and Akane are alright?" Yuka asked Sayuri as they sat at the edge of the playground's pond. Sayuri just shook her head and shrugged her shoulders.

Behind the two girls, Kuno and Vice-Principal Okamada were finishing a headcount of everyone. Looking down at the list of names, and finding every one accounted for, Okamada nodded in approval to Kuno. "Well done, that's everyone except for Saotome-kun and Tendo-san."

"Yes, and now that everything is secure here, I'll be going back outside." Kuno said as he headed for one of the secret exits of the playground.

Okamada nodded, after how Kuno handled the Pantyhose Taro situation, he was a little more trusting of the insane Principal's son. "Be careful, Tatewaki-kun."

Before Kuno could do something lame like give a thumb's up or a farewell nod, a chorus of voices called out. "CAPTAIN!"

He looked back to find the Kendo Club armed and ready for battle, Naota standing at the very front and speaking for everyone. "We're not letting you go out there alone, let us join you against that demon bokken!"

Okamada gave pause. "A demon?"

"Don't be absurd," Kuno snapped back, "That opponent is too great for any of you; you'll merely be cut down where you stand. Saotome, Tendo, Kuonji, and I are all that are necessary."

Naota stepped forward. "Don't look down on us, Captain! Let us help you against it!"

"Nonsense, you would only get in our way this time. This is an opponent like none we've faced. Even I've never seen something like this before," Kuno retorted.

"Tatewaki-kun," Okamada spoke up, "You said it was a demon bokken, yes? I believe I may know what you're up against."

Kuno's eyes widened. "Okamada-sensei, you have an idea?"

"Yes, has the possessed been acting crudely?" Okamada asked.

Kuno nodded. "The demon is as crude as it is skilled in the way of the sword. Do you have an insight we can use in battle against it?"

Okamada nodded. "Yes, there is a chance that the demon bokken may be the nameless blade of Miyamoto Musashi!"

Save Kuno, everyone in ear-shot of Okamada when he made his revelation recoiled, especially Naota and the rest of the Kendo Club. A sense of imminent doom settled on the other club members, who looked as if they all felt they were a little hasty in their willingness to die in glorious battle.

Kuno's eyes widened. "You mean the blade that Musashi slew Sasaki with at Ganryu Island!"

Okamada nodded. "Yes, according to legend, a bereaved Musashi, tired of his endless bloodletting, vowed to never kill again. After escaping Koujiro Sasaki's supporters, he abandoned the wooden sword he carved to kill Sasaki, and with it his taste for blood."

The mostly bald vice-principal narrowed his eyes, as the chilling image of the blood-stained bokken was invoked in the minds of his audience. "However, the sword itself was not finished. Since then, those who have come into possession of it have been drawn in by Musashi's bloodlust, battling and murdering with it until finally, with the blood of countless victims consumed…it became a truly demonic sword."

Kuno hummed in contemplation. "Sensei, is there a way to defeat the blade?"

"I am unsure. Some claim that Musashi possessed a lover, Otsu, whom he could be tamed by…"

Kuno shook his head. "No, that's been debunked that as utter rubbish."

"Ah, I see. You'll have to do it the old fashioned way."

"I'll be going then." Kuno looked back at his club. "If I fall this day, I leave everything to you."

"Captain!" The Kendo Club chorused with tears streaming down their faces as Kuno departed to face the demon sword and its bearer.

As he watched him go, Okamada let out a wistful sigh.

* * *

"Oi, what's this interesting feeling all of a sudden?" Nabiki asked as she stared at the hole in the school Ranma's body made. "Hey pig, have you something to amuse me with?"

Ranma emerged, walking on all fours, shaking her hips and growling like a big cat ready to lunge. Nabiki stared at her, and her eyes widened in amazement. "So, there was a man in this world stupid enough to teach that technique."

Ukyo, looking from where he lay, blinked. "What the…Ran-chan…?"

Akane, managing to sit up, grimaced at the sight of Ranma under the effect of that state. "Ranma's in the Neko-ken? But there aren't any cats around…!"

She almost immediately recalled the battle against the Golden Pair, and how Ranma had lost it when he saw her hurt. "Oh no…"

The speed and violence at which Ranma attacked came as a surprise to Nabiki, who quickly swung her sword to block the cat-like swipe of her hand that she unleashed once in range. There was a bright flash of red against yellow, and a long line of five gashes appeared in the ground behind Nabiki.

Breaking from each other, Nabiki swung her sword, blocking another slash, and then another as Ranma wildly swung at her. After parrying another strike, Nabiki jumped to the side as Ranma jumped forward, with both hands outstretched like a pouncing tiger. She missed the demon swordswoman's body entirely, but her skirt was snatched off in the pass, leaving her in only her underwear now.

Sliding to a halt in the wet grass, Ranma stood up on two feet, but remained crouched low. Ranma attacked again, and Nabiki parried her strike, the claw slash being defeated by her bokken in a flash of conflicting battle auras. Knocked back by the slash, Nabiki grinned as Ranma came at her, with fire in her eyes. She became a blur as well, and both passed one another, the sound of their attacks meeting drowning out the thunder that rumbled overhead.

Turning around, Ranma's afterimage faded as Nabiki's did the same, and there was another loud clash as her claw slash was defeated by a powerful swing of Nabiki's bokken. Or so Nabiki thought before she was thrown back and sent tumbling across the football green.

Ukyo managed to sit up, and smiled. "Yeah, Ran-chan got her!"

Akane stood up. "Ukyo…stop Ranma!"

Ukyo looked at her in confusion. "What?"

"He's going to kill her!"

Nabiki got up, and tore away her ruined bra, before she noticed four shallow gashes across her stomach, where Ranma's slash had raked her. "Impressive, that technique can be dangerous when the mad cat wants to kill."

Ranma attacked again with a tiger claw thrust for her heart. Nabiki barely dodged it, and felt the sting as the air pressure left several narrow cuts across her bare chest. It was like fighting Akane, but much faster, and with every intent to kill.

As she realized this, she narrowly blocked Ranma's follow-up strike, and was knocked backward by it. Ranma did not let up, her hands drawn back to unleash the Chestnut Fist. Nabiki grinned. "Go ahead and tear me to shreds if it'll make you feel better!"

She quickly raised the bokken over her head, and then her arms became a blur as she and Ranma began exchanging blows, sparks of battle aura flying where their respective attacks met. "That's it! Fight me with all of your hatred, make this worth something pig!"

Razor-thin cuts began to appear, first on Nabiki's sides, and then on her arms, and finally one on her face just under her left eye. Similarly, slashes appeared on Ranma's clothes, disintegrating most of her shirt and her pants around the hips, and leaving wounds that began to leak blood.

Ranma's left hand was then caught against the bokken and stopped, as Nabiki caught Ranma's right hand with her free hand. A loud crack sounded, as the energetic clash was brought screeching halt. Nabiki was about to say something witty, when Ranma kneed her in the stomach, winding her.

As she bowed her head, Ranma leaned back and then head-butted her with considerable force, knocking her backwards and sending her crashing into the bleachers on the side of the field.

It didn't take Nabiki even a half second to recover, and she disappeared from the path of Ranma's next attack, which shredded the bleachers entirely. Coming to a stop behind her, she nodded. "More of the same, stronger, faster, but you're only relying on instinct and senses more than ever."

She then lowered her guard, and held her arms out. "Come on, kill me."

Ranma didn't hesitate, rushing straight for Nabiki with every intention to slash her to pieces. She didn't get to, because Ukyo immediately plowed into her, sending them both skidding along the football field until they were well inside the goal line. Before Ranma could throw Ukyo off, he slapped her.

"Damn it man, snap out of it! You're going to kill her!" Ukyo yelled out.

That did the trick, as Ranma's eyes widened and she stared up at Ukyo. "Ucchan what happened…?"

"You don't remember?" Ukyo asked. "You blacked out and went into that crazy Cat Fist thing!"

Ranma's swore and then looked up as Nabiki appeared directly behind Ukyo; her body stained with her own blood from her numerous cuts as she held her bokken above her head to impale them both. In the same instant she struck, however, Kuno slid between them, and blocked Nabiki's strike with his still sheathed sword.

As Nabiki stared at him in surprise, Kuno spoke. "Miyamoto Musashi, it's high time you fought an opponent the way you desired, yes?"

Nabiki let out a silky chuckle. "It's been a long time, since someone has referred to me by that name."

Kuno stared back, and then shoved forward. Nabiki took several clumsy steps back on the slick grass, and then rested the bokken over her shoulder. The demonic glow surrounding her intensified and her wounds immediately sealed up, rendering all of Ranma's efforts prior entirely moot.

"This is the power of a demon weapon…" Ukyo murmured in disbelief.

Turning around, Nabiki walked out into the middle of the field, dead center of the pitch, and turned back to face Kuno. Lightning flashed as she pointed her sword at Kuno. "Come over here and get killed, boy."

Ranma got up. "No way, our fight's not done yet!"

Kuno held out his arm. "Ranma, try to understand. In the world of combat, there is little place for order. However, sometimes a sword must be fought with a sword."

"Then give me yours!" Ranma yelled at him.

"Ranma Saotome!" Kuno yelled back with a voice that commanded authority. Ranma stopped, and blinked. "I will defeat the demon blade, and I will save Nabiki. Tend to Akane, and if I fail…do what you must."

Clenching her teeth, Ranma relented, and quickly ran over towards Akane, with Ukyo right behind her. As they left, Kuno drew the sword from his sheath, and promptly threw the sheath aside. "However, I will not fail."

* * *

The continuous rumbles of thunder coming from the dark and tall clouds slowly marching over the Nerima ward and the rest of Western Tokyo seemed much further away from Minato, which was still enjoying warm and sunny spring weather. At the front of her non-descript, mysterious shop, the equally enigmatic shopkeeper chewed on the end of a sucker as she swept the dust in front of the store's entrance.

An old man, a Shinto Priest from the local shrine, looked towards the storm and shook his head. "Weather like that does not spring up on a perfect day like this. There are dark forces at work."

The shopkeeper laughed at that. "Old men always say things like that."

She folded her hands over the end of the broom handle, and rested her chin on them, ignoring the old priest's indignant demand that she treat her elders with respect. Closing her bright blue eyes, she smiled. "But…say that there are dark forces at work? Don't you think someone should be doing something about it, the police, a Sailor Senshi, or something like that?"

The priest gave her a pointed look. "This seems more the work of a priest or a priestess, someone who excels as banishing dark forces, I'd say."

She opened one eye and gave the priest a look with it, before she opened both and looked out at the storm again. She chuckled. "Don't worry, old man, a Samurai is enough."

Underneath the pouring rain, Kuno stared at Nabiki, who stared back. Ranma, Ukyo, and Akane were to the side, with Ukyo placing Akane's arm in a splint as Ranma hugged her tightly to fend off the chill of the rain. The two swordsmen looked like statues in the rain, rivulets of water running over their bodies drip from their chins and ears, and from the undersides of their respective blades.

"You won't beat me with that wooden blade, Musashi." Kuno declared.

Nabiki's eyes widened at that, and she smirked. "You threw away your scabbard; does that mean you don't need your sword anymore?"

"No, I thought I'd make this battle a little nostalgic for you."

Nabiki snorted in amusement. "Cheeky brat."

Lightning flashed again, striking the school's lightning rod once more, and by the time it faded, Kuno and Nabiki were already in close and engaging. As the ensuing thunder rumbled past, Ranma, Akane, and Ukyo could hear the sounds of blades cutting through the air just above the cacophony of the pouring rain.

Kuno and Nabiki were both silent as they circled one another in what almost seemed like a choreographed dance, their strikes only traceable by the gleaming arcs left by the ambient light reflecting from Kuno's blade and the battle aura left by Nabiki's bokken.

Then suddenly they changed position, Kuno lunging with a thrust for Nabiki's stomach that she narrowly avoided by flanking around him. Kuno turned quickly slashing with an uppercut that barely missed her left side. She spun around, barely avoiding the follow up downward cut, and microseconds later swung her bokken for Kuno's neck. Kuno leaned back, the bokken barely missing his neck as it sliced neatly through a droplet of water falling from his chin.

Both stepped back from each other, as another flash of lightning lit the sky overhead.

Kuno slowly reached up and adjusted his sunglasses. "Honestly, you're toying with me."

"You're holding back as well, brat," Nabiki replied.

"I have to; it's not my intention to harm your body. What's your excuse?"

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "No intention? Weren't you cutting it a bit close then?"

Kuno glanced off to the side. "Well, that's because…" Nabiki's panties fell off, cut at the hip by Kuno's last strike. "…I'll admit I've wanted to see a Tendo sister completely nude, at least once."

Akane's face went flush with annoyance and embarrassment. Ranma buried her face in her palm and shook her head. "Some things just won't change, huh Kuno?"

Nabiki blinked, and then laughed. "Ah, so you have a sense of humor! I'll admit…it's been a long time since I've killed someone who took it easy like you."

Another flash of lightning went ignored by the two. Kuno was now staring pointedly at her, as he raised the sword over his head, mimicking the stance for Koujiro Sasaki's swallow cut.

Nabiki narrowed her eyes. "Well, are you being funny or nostalgic now?"

"The Clothes Drying Pole, Koujiro Sasaki's sword, was a Nodachi far longer and heavier than this katana. It is said that even then his movements were so swift and precise that he could cut a bird in mid-flight in half with it," Kuno replied. "The difference in reach between our weapons is clearly seen, were I to attempt Sasaki's movements with this blade…I'd surely lose."

Nabiki readied her bokken. "That may be the case, but reach can be mitigated by speed. If you're faster than your opponent, then you can make up for your lack of reach and get closer faster."

"What's he doing?" Akane asked.

"He's trying to talk her down, or something." Ranma muttered. "Funny how she changes her tune for a guy with a sword, huh?"

"It seems that Musashi has no patience or respect for us barehanded brutes, eh?" Ukyo mused aloud.

Kuno nodded. "That's precisely correct. The question remains though, am I fast enough?"

Nabiki smirked. "You're not."

"Neither was Sasaki," Kuno replied as he suddenly rushed forward. Once in range, he swung downward with all his speed, and Nabiki simply stepped back from the slash. In the same instant he swung up, splitting scores of rain drops cleanly into two as he swung to cleave her bokken the same.

Nabiki simply sidestepped and drew her arm back. Everything slowed down at that instant, as Kuno slowly turned to face the wildly grinning Nabiki, his body wide open. Grinning, Nabiki thrust the bokken forward, aiming to pierce his gut, when she was suddenly blinded by another flash of lightning. She fell off the mark, but not completely so.

"Kuno!" Ranma shouted as Nabiki ran him through.

The thunder rumbled as Kuno and Nabiki stared at each other. The bokken was plunged into his left side, just missing his kidney. Nabiki let out a snort. "Like I said, you're not."

Kuno dropped his sword, and as it fell to the grass with a wet thud, he reached down and grabbed the bokken. "It was my intention to lose."

He then kicked Nabiki with all of his might, sending her falling onto her back with her hands free of the sword. He then dropped to one knee, as with a pained yell he yanked the bokken out of his side and jammed it into the ground, gripping it tightly with both hands.

"He did it!" Akane gasped.

Ranma just stared, struck by Kuno's stunt. Ukyo was in a similar state as he stood up, ready to rush over and assist.

Panting, Kuno closed his eyes and focused on resisting the pain from his injury, before he looked back up at Nabiki. Lying on her back, Nabiki stared up at the tumultuous sky as the downpour finally began to gradually let up. She smiled, and then let out a laugh. "Hey, boy, do you ever get the feeling you were born in the wrong era?"

Ranma narrowed her eyes. "She's still possessed…that shard she stabbed herself with…"

Kuno looked over to Nabiki. "No, I have not."

Nabiki blinked, and then chuckled. "You could've fooled me. Something like what you just pulled, it's not something just anyone is willing to do. You're an interesting guy."

Kuno looked up at her. "Eh?"

"In the scores of people I've murdered, in all the blood I've gorged myself on…I've yet to face a guy like Sasaki."

"Oh?"

"We had to hold back then on Ganryu Island, and keep it nice and simple because we were both so powerful that anything more than a single-stroke battle would've destroyed the island," She admitted to Kuno.

Kuno's eyes widened at the very thought of an entire island being destroyed in a battle between swordsmen. Truly, such a spectacle would've been apocalyptic; this was the power of Miyamoto Musashi, of swordsmen of that era? "Incredible…"

"I've not seen a swordsman that strong in a long time. It's been nothing but worthless kids looking to make a name for themselves, or jaded old vets who think they've seen it all, all of them amusing for a few moments…but ultimately trash."

She sat up, and then stood. "I haven't fought an interesting guy until now, and I don't want this to end."

The sword began to glow brightly in Kuno's hands, and he stared down at it as the glow enveloping his hands and arms. Ranma quickly realized what was happening. "Shit, it's trying to possess Kuno, too!"

As she and Ukyo got up, however, Kuno spoke.

"I'm flattered that you think so highly of me." He looked back up at her. "I am afraid though, that this is over. But if you're willing, I'll give you an even greater battle."

Nabiki's eyes went wide briefly, before her expression softened. "Boy," She commanded, "Tell me your name."

He then stood up, his hands not leaving the sword. "My name is Tatewaki Kuno."

Silence ensued, as the first rays of sunlight began to wash over Kuno and then creep up and over Nabiki's body. Tightening her grip on her arm, Nabiki let out a laugh that almost sounded caustic.

"Tatewaki Kuno. You know, these are fun times you live in, boy." She winced as she tore out the sliver, and then held it out at arm's length. "I look forward to the next battle."

She then flicked the sliver to Kuno, who caught it between his fingers. The red battle aura faded immediately, and the glow left her eyes before Nabiki fell backwards, unconscious. In the same instant, Kuno let go of the sword, and stood back from it and its demonic aura.

"Nabiki!" Akane cried out as she ran past Kuno and the bokken to tend to her. Ukyo was close behind her, while Ranma joined Kuno's side.

Ranma stared at Kuno, and then held up her fist. "You did good, Kuno."

Looking back, Kuno pounded his knuckles to hers.

* * *

It was early in the evening, the school grounds were still drying out, and the bokken of Miyamoto Musashi still sat in the middle of the school's football field, wrapped in wards and surrounded by a barrier erected by Cologne to keep it sealed. Down the street from the school, Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, and Ukyo left Dr. Tofu's clinic; Ranma, now male, was swathed in bandages and Akane's broken arm was now securely in a cast.

"A whole month and a half I'm stuck with this stupid thing, so much for the kendo club." Akane complained.

"Eh, we'll take it easy, you can work on fighting one handed in the meantime," Ranma suggested.

Ukyo snapped his fingers. "You could adopt a new fighting style, like the One Armed Swordsman."

"Oh ha, ha." Akane glowered at Ukyo a little, and then looked down with a smile at her cast, already signed by him, Ranma, and Nabiki. "Taking it easy doesn't sound too bad though."

"You're telling me. My whole body feels like I should be taking it easy for the next hundred years," Nabiki complained. Despite her tone, she was actually contrite over what happened today, though she had no recollection of her possession, which was for the best. She didn't need to hear in detail how the whole fight went down and Ranma, Akane, and Ukyo were reluctant to describe it.

Nabiki's phone rang, and she looked at the digital screen. "Shampoo again, she's probably annoyed as all hell now that I haven't gotten back to her."

"Maybe we should've called her up ourselves," Akane muttered.

She answered it. "Hey, bitch, where were you today?" She blinked. "Why the hell were you in Minato all day?"

Shampoo's response surprised her. Nabiki replied, "I forgot all about that, kind of strange for your new job to just call you in like that, but whatever." Nabiki then smiled. "When you're done, did you want to still go shopping for your new bike? We'll get dinner afterward if you want."

Ranma and Akane looked to each other and then back at Nabiki. Ukyo seemed just a tad bit confused.

"All right, I'll see you then, bye." Nabiki ended the call and slid the phone into her bag.

"Nabiki." Akane just could not dance around the subject any longer. "Are you and Shampoo-?"

"Ranma, Akane," Kuno called to them, interrupting her.

Ranma took the opportunity to escape the awkward moment. "Kuno-sempai, what's up?"

"That wound, is it alright?" Ukyo asked.

Kuno patted his side. "It's not the worst pain I've ever felt, but it's close. My family's physician advised me to avoid agitating it and it should heal up perfectly, however."

"That's good to hear," Ranma said.

"Kuno," Akane then spoke, "You almost got yourself killed back there, and I don't know how I can thank you enough for what you did."

Nabiki nodded. "I don't remember the details myself, but I think you're the first guy ever to take a sword to the gut for me."

"Yeah, we owe you for that," Ranma said.

"You know, that's exactly why I've come here," Kuno replied. "I have something in mind that I want."

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Eh? What do you want?"

"Ranma," He spoke, "I humbly ask to become a student of the School of Indiscriminate Grappling, and your disciple in the martial arts."

Ranma was taken aback by the request, as was Akane who brought her uninjured hand to her lips.

"Wow, Kuno-baby, are you serious?" Nabiki asked.

Kuno nodded. "I am completely serious. It may seem strange, but I admit that the gulf between you and I is vast. It would be a better use of my time to learn from you than try to catch up with you."

Ranma folded his arms, and stared at Kuno feeling both flattered and skeptical at the same time. Closing his eyes, he hummed. "Well…I guess it wouldn't hurt, but I ain't teaching you any new kendo. You're on your own for that."

"I've done well enough so far, I think I'll manage. Who knows, perhaps I can teach you a bit of that in turn, sensei," Kuno replied.

Akane snickered at that, and Ranma looked to her. "Eh, what's so funny?"

"Congratulations, Ranma, you now have your first student. Be sure to rub it in Pop's face, Daddy's too." She said.

Ranma stopped and then mulled over that. "Oh yeah, that's right." He coughed and cleared his throat before giving Kuno a fierce look. "Tatewaki Kuno, from henceforth, in the presence of our fathers you must always refer to me as Ranma-sensei!" He then pointed to Akane. "And Akane as Akane-sempai, you got that!"

Kuno got and smiled. "Very well, Ranma-sensei, Akane-sempai. If I forget…" He drew the katana's matching wakizashi and brandished it. "…I shall slice my belly open right on the spot!"

"Whatever, just don't get your blood on me," Ranma replied with a smile.

Kuno smiled back, and fell in line with the group. "So…I heard that you purchased this amazing grill the other day…it just so happens that I purchased some Kobe Beef and I've got no immediate plans for it…"

"Kobe Beef?" Ranma sputtered. "Well, if you have no plans it…"

As the two planned for the upcoming dinner, with Akane and Nabiki quickly adding their input, Ukyo hung back behind the group a bit and smiled serenely. It was good to see everything turn out so well, but he was a little disappointed. Today was just no good for seeing how strong Ranma had really become.

Hopefully, next time would be better.

Her shop closed up, the mysterious Shopkeeper made her way up the steps of a tall hill, to an old, weathered shrine that looked like it had undergone numerous repairs in its time. Nodding to it, she made her way over to the house situated a few dozen yards away, separated from the shrine by a number of trees, including an especially old, bare one.

"About time you got home," An annoyed man's voice called from the trees. "I'm starving."

The shopkeeper smiled. "I had an interesting day today, almost as interesting as yesterday."

"You went out to deal with that demon that popped up?" The voice called from the trees.

"No, I sensed it but it was all the way in Nerima. Not our problem," Replied to shopkeeper.

A loud snort sounded from the tree. "You've gotten lazier and lazier since the Sailor Senshi started dealing with this crap."

The shopkeeper closed her eyes and tilted her nose up with a smile. "Not lazy, I just don't have to get involved in every little problem."

"No, you're just lazy," The voice from the trees snapped back, "And getting fat too."

The calm air that surrounded the shopkeeper snapped; though her expression did not change save for a few twitches of her eyebrow.

"Sit."

A loud thud echoed across the hilltop shrine.

* * *

A/N: Well! I wonder what became of Taro, let's find out next chapter, shall we?


	29. Chapter 29

Disclaimer: This one goes out to all you swords cleaving evil out there.

**The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**

…

_Somewhere in China…_

"Ah, what a wonderful nap that was!" A bald, portly man known by and large as The Jusenkyo Springs Guide, declared as he woke up in the middle of his destroyed living room of his home, which was also the administrations office of the Jusenkyo Springs. The Guide then sat up and rubbed his face before reaching to the top of his head to adjust the Mao Cap that sat securely there.

After a moment of staring off vacantly at the large hole in the side of his office and wondering what caused it, he remembered. "Wait a moment I did not take a take nap, I was attacked by that robber again."

He then looked around. "It's a good thing my beloved daughter Plum was not here to witness such violence. I must make haste and determine what was stolen right away…"

Stopping, he looked at the wall above his desk and grew wide-eyed with horror. "Oh. That's what was stolen… oh dear."

High above China, making a beeline for Japan at incredible velocity, the beast named Pantyhose Taro wore a wicked grin. That tranny bitch Ranma Saotome wasn't going to know what hit him.

* * *

In the back yard of the Tendo dojo, underneath the early-afternoon sun, Akane sat on a blanket laid out in the grass, dragging fingers back and forth over the cast snugly wrapped around her arm. Her arm was itching like crazy, and it was taking everything she could to not rip it off and go to town on her irritated skin. Ranma was lying next to her on the blanket on his stomach, reading a book.

Akane groaned in her frustration and flopped back on the blanket. "My arm itches."

Ranma rolled his eyes and looked up from the book to her. She looked like a kicked puppy as she offered her cast-swathed arm to him. Sighing, he rested his hand on her cast and began drumming his fingers at blurring speeds up and down her arm.

The effect was instantaneous; Akane's eyes rolled up and she bit her lower lip as blissful relief radiated from her arm. "Ranma, you're the best…"

"And you can be such a baby," Ranma quipped back, earning a pout and a glare from his fiancée. When he ignored it, Akane rolled over and pounced on his back, wrapping her arms around his neck and playfully biting his ear. "Hey!"

"Don't make me get the hose, you two." Nabiki was taking advantage of the warm spring weather as well, lying on a lawn chair and working on a tan.

Akane stuck her tongue out at Nabiki, and went back to cuddling Ranma and nibbling on his ear. Ranma paid it no mind; in fact he rather liked the affection, and went back to reading his book.

Kasumi was standing at the grill, cooking up lunch. She'd fallen in love with Nabiki's gift and every nice day since she was out here, enjoying the fresh air while at the same time filling it with the aroma of cooking meat. Glancing back at her youngest sister and her beau, the oldest sister smiled warmly.

"I can't believe it's been a whole year since Ranma moved in with us," she said.

Nabiki snorted. "It's felt twice as long, if you ask me." She called over to Akane and Ranma, "So what did you two do for your anniversary?"

That had been the day before yesterday, but they'd been gone for three days. Both Ranma and Akane had vanished from the Tendo Dojo, and hadn't come back until after everyone had gone to bed last night. Nabiki personally found their ability to go off the grid both interesting and annoying, especially when they used it to get out of doing things for her.

"It's been nice these last few days, so we went camping," Ranma said as he flipped a page of the book.

Akane rested her chin atop his head and began toying with his pigtail. "It was really nice, sleeping out under the stars. You should come with us next time we decide to go."

"Hey quit it," Ranma quipped, though he did not actively resist.

Kasumi liked that idea. "Ah, it's been so long since we went camping. I still remember the last time we went."

"Yeah me too, the best part was when Akane was nearly mauled by that giant platypus." Nabiki turned over onto her stomach, and reached back to unsnap her bikini top. "Good times, that."

Akane glared at Nabiki, and nuzzled the back of Ranma's head. She called to Kasumi, "You could bring Dr. Tofu, and Nabiki you can bring Shampoo."

Kasumi smiled. "That'd be lovely, actually."

"As long as there won't be any massive monotremes, I'd be game," Nabiki replied.

It was at that moment that black rose petals filled the air, and to everyone's complete lack of surprise Kodachi appeared among them. Akane sat up on Ranma's back, as he turned his book over and looked over to her. Together they called to the darkly dressed, well-tanned young woman.

"Yo."

"Good afternoon, Ranma-sama, Akane-san," Kodachi said to them with the very definition of politeness, "I hope I'm not disturbing you today."

"No, no, not at all," Akane said, "In fact, we've been wondering where you've been."

"You haven't been in this story in about four or five chapters," Nabiki noted.

Kodachi nodded. "Yes, well you see I've been busy campaigning to have the ban on Women's Gymnastic Wrestling lifted. Between that, regular gymnastics, and school, it's taken up a great deal of my time."

"It's still banned?" Ranma glanced back at Akane. "You and organized sports don't mix."

Akane bounced on his back, causing him to let out a wheeze, and drawing Kodachi's attention to the fact that the youngest Tendo sister had been developing quite spectacularly in the last few months.

"_Amazing, they're almost as big as Shampoo's now."_ Quickly banishing the thought, Kodachi averted her eyes just a bit, as a small flush appeared on her cheeks. "Ahem, at any rate… my brother told me that you had agreed to take him up as a student in the School of Indiscriminate Grappling, and since there's a good chance the ban may be lifted, I would like to return to the sport in the best possible condition."

"Oh, you want to become a student too, huh?" Ranma asked.

Akane wasn't against it, at least. "Well, we'd be able to teach you more traditional arts, but if you want to improve your gymnastics, you're going to have to talk to Ryoga."

"The Vagabond, how's he doing?" Kodachi asked.

"Surprisingly well, with all the shit that keeps getting destroyed over in Minato, he's making a fortune clearing rubble," Ranma replied. He was mystified though, at how Mrs. Hibiki was able to keep Mr. Hibiki from getting lost going to, staying at, and returning from work. Eh, he'd have to ask next time he visited.

"I see. Well I needn't worry about my skills as a gymnast. Like my brother I wish to improve my physical ability overall, and perhaps learn new techniques to add to my repertoire. If you are willing to teach me, then I am willing to compensate you for your time."

Ranma sat up, throwing Akane off his back with an indignant squeak from her. "Compensate, you say?"

"Of course, in money, favors, I'll even let the two of you have your way with my bo-oat! Boat! Yes, a boat, my family's yacht, it's quite nice!" Kodachi sighed in relief after she smoothly corrected herself.

Akane and Ranma both gave her an odd look. Kasumi's brows rose, while Nabiki tilted her sunglasses down to look out the corner of her eye at Kodachi.

The awkward silence reigned for a little bit, before Akane cleared her throat. "We'll work out a payment plan, but yeah we can train you."

Ranma was admittedly surprised that Akane would be fine with that, and a little wary of Kodachi's intentions. He became a little warier as Kodachi seemed to all but swoon at the prospect. "Oh, thank you Akane-sama! You won't regret this; I will be a model student! You can train me in any way you like."

Kasumi and Nabiki's gazes met, and for the briefest moment, they both smiled as if they were trying not to laugh at the biggest joke in the world. The former then called to Kodachi, "We were about to have lunch, would you like to join us?"

Kodachi raised her hand and waved it politely. "Oh I could not impose."

"Nonsense, you wouldn't be imposing at all," Kasumi countered lightly.

Before Kodachi could graciously accept the offer to lunch, the doors to the gates opened and Plum rushed in, panting for breath. The young girl had been staying at the Cat Café since her initial arrival, and had visited the dojo several times before, but her haste was a cause for concern.

"Plum-chan, what's the hurry?" Akane asked as she got up.

Resting her hands on her knees and catching her breath, Plum spoke, "I ran all the way here… I had to… something terrible has happened at home…"

Ranma was up on his feet as well. "What happened at Jusenkyo?"

"Pantyhose Taro, he raided my father's office and stole something very important," Plum explained as she caught her breath. "The map of the springs, without it we can't really be sure which spring is which!"

Ranma paled at this. "Why would he steal the map to the springs?"

"Would you really like to know?"

The Tendo Sisters, Ranma, Kodachi, and Plum all turned in unison to face Pantyhose, who stood on a branch of the tree directly above the Tendo Family's koi pond. He had in his hand a store bought bottled water.

"I wanted to pick up a new weapon," He said coolly. "The reason I haven't been around lately, is because I wanted to make sure it worked."

Ranma narrowed his eyes. "Wait a minute, what do you mean a new weapon?"

Pantyhose drank from his water bottle, guzzling down every drop, before tossing it aside. "Tell me, tranny-boy. Have you ever wondered what would happen if a cursed man fell into another cursed spring?"

"No," Ranma replied.

Rather than say more, Pantyhose stepped off the branch and fell into the koi pond with a loud splash.

As the water sloshed around in the pond, Nabiki got up and folded up her lawn chair. "I'm going around to the front yard, this shit's ruining my tan."

Ranma went on his guard. "Akane, stay back with Plum."

Akane grimaced but nevertheless moved over to join the younger girl. Kodachi stepped up, with a ribbon in hand. "So this is the beast that my brother has spoken of."

"Yeah, you're gonna want to stay back as well," Ranma warned.

Kodachi snorted. "At the very least, I'll provide a distraction."

Kasumi was still by the grill, tending to the food. "He's been down there for a little bit, do you think he's alright?"

At that moment, Monster Pantyhose's large hands emerged from the water and gripped the edge of the pond, and then with them emerged four long tentacles. Staring at the tentacles Kasumi, Akane, and Kodachi froze in place, while Nabiki let her lawn chair slip from her grip and fall to the ground, barely missing her foot.

Ranma's eyes widened. "What the fuck?"

With great strength, Pantyhose hauled himself out of the water, and landed on the grass, shaking the ground around him. His body had changed. In addition to his already fearsome appearance, a total of eight tentacle-like arms waved around behind him, extending from below his wings.

"Oh God, those are actual tentacles," Akane uttered in disgust.

Kodachi took a small step back. "I'm going to be ill."

Nabiki looked around, and cringed. "Four women and one part-time girl facing a tentacle monster, surely this is going to go places."

Ranma called out to Plum, refusing to take his eyes off the monster, "What spring did he fall into?"

Plum was curious about why all the older women suddenly froze, and why they seemed to be growing pale, when she heard Ranma's question. "Ah, he has clearly fallen into the spring of the Drowned Octopus! It is the tragic story of a-."

"That doesn't make sense!" Ranma shouted before Pantyhose attacked, his tentacles shooting like spears to converge on him and Kodachi. Kodachi gracefully flipped away from the tentacles, landing to the right, while Ranma leaped to the left, spinning before he landed.

Pantyhose ignored Kodachi entirely as he charged Ranma with his head low, intending to gore him. When Ranma jumped over the lunge, Pantyhose threw his head back, catching Ranma and tossing him into the air. Before Ranma could properly recover, the tentacles shot up, catching his arms, legs, waist and neck.

"Get your slimy suckers off me, panty-boy!" Ranma yelled at Pantyhose, whose immediate reply was to slam him into the ground. Or rather he would've, had Kodachi's ribbon not tightly wrapped around the monster's neck.

Pantyhose just stared at her, as though taunting her.

"You would be wise to comply or I'll tear your head off your shoulders, wretch!" Kodachi yelled as she yanked back, surprising Pantyhose when the ribbon tightened around his windpipe considerably.

Pantyhose threw Ranma at Kodachi and she released the monster as she jumped to avoid being flattened under the human projectile. Ranma landed on his feet, and nodded his thanks to Kodachi. He looked down at his arms, now coated in a cold slime, and more of it was around his neck. "Ugh, sick."

Growling, Pantyhose struck again, this time charging straight for both of them with a flap of his wings. He swatted at Kodachi, who jumped aside. In midair, she twisted like a falling cat to avoid the tentacles he lanced at her with next. As Kodachi evaded the tentacles, he swung at Ranma and focused his efforts on the other cursed man.

Ranma dodged two swipes from Pantyhose, but as he stepped back from the third, he suddenly hesitated, and the monster's open palm plowed into him, sending him flying back and gouging a small trench in the grass of the yard.

"Ranma!" Akane gasped.

Kodachi gave a start as she stepped clear of Pantyhose's tentacles. "Ranma-sama, what happened!?"

Pantyhose let out a laugh as Ranma tried to get up, pushing himself up onto his knees before falling forward, gasping for breath. "Can't… move… breathe…!"

Plum gasped. "Oh no, he's been poisoned!"

As Ranma struggled with his sudden affliction, Pantyhose capitalized and leaped forward to gore him with his horns. The lunge missed, however, thanks to Kodachi snatching Ranma literally from under him with her ribbon.

Landing, the monster turned around to face Kodachi as Ranma slid to her feet, his entire body now twitching stiffly as he struggled to breathe. Watching the tentacles wave about, Kodachi snorted. "With those abominable arms, you're able to poison an opponent by touching them. An effective weapon both offensive and defensively."

However, for that to work, the creature would have to be able to touch his opponent. Waving her ribbon around in a growing spiral above her head, Kodachi lashed out with it, the edge of the deceptively powerful cloth cutting a line through the ground for Pantyhose, who flapped his wings and flew clear of it.

With another swing, Kodachi lashed out at the monster, missing again just barely. She quickly broke into pursuit, jumping up for the roof of the Tendo Home as Pantyhose circled around, watching her for an opening of his own to exploit.

Kodachi landed on the edge of the roof, and then jumped again to the very top, throwing several gymnastics clubs at Pantyhose, who knocked them away effortlessly with a swing of his beefy arm. A fourth missile followed them, and was deflected by one of his horns. The club exploded, showering Pantyhose's face with a bright red powder that filled his eyes, nose, and mouth with fire.

"I hope that spice isn't too strong for you!" Kodachi declared boldly before she crouched down and leaped high into the air above Pantyhose as he tried to wipe away the powder. Twirling the ribbon around her gracefully as she reached the apex of her jump, she swung it down and around Pantyhose's neck and arms, trapping them. "Now then, I shall take your head!"

With all her might, Kodachi yanked on the ribbon, and swung Pantyhose around her as she began to fall towards the ground. Using the momentum of her swing, she twisted her body into a high speed spin, whipping Pantyhose around faster and faster as they both fell towards the ground.

"Wow, look at that!" Plum gasped.

Akane nodded. "Kodachi's gotten stronger too…"

Kasumi had gone over to drag Ranma over to the patio, when Kodachi let out a yell and swung Pantyhose into the ground right by the grill, the force of the impact causing the grill to hop off the ground and waves to form across the koi pond. Kodachi landed a safe distance away from Pantyhose, in front of Akane, Plum, and Nabiki.

"That was incredible!" Plum cheered.

Kodachi let out an agitated huff. "Impressive as it appeared, it was ineffective."

Growling loudly, Pantyhose got up and ripped away the ribbon, reducing it to shreds that fell around his feet. The whole of Kodachi's efforts really just succeeded in making him angry, which he displayed by grabbing the grill and throwing it at her and the three behind her.

"He threw my six hundred thousand yen grill," Nabiki said flatly as several hundred pounds of stainless steel and propane hurtled towards them at incredible velocity. It didn't hit, as Akane acted quickly and kicked the grill straight up into the air… where it exploded. "And now it's gone."

"You had that insured, right?" Akane asked Nabiki.

"Of course I did, like hell would I give any of you something and not insure it," Nabiki replied.

Kasumi shook her head as bits of burning scrap and food rained down on the backyard. "Well, so much for lunch."

Ranma, previously completely immobile thanks to the poison, suddenly sat up, fire burning in his eyes. A crazy hot-blooded theme, straight out of the mouths of JAM Project began to play in the background. "HE DESTROYED MY LUNCH!"

Kodachi, Akane, and Plum stared at Ranma in amazement. Plum called out, "Amazing, he was able to recover that fast from deadly tetrodotoxin?!"

Nabiki looked down at Plum. "You're like what, ten? How do you know what that is?"

Ranma turned to face Pantyhose. "YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD!" He tried to take a step, but fell flat on his face. "… When this fucking poison wears off…"

Pantyhose stared at Ranma, and then began laughing, which really only pissed Ranma off more. Still laughing, Pantyhose turned his attention back to Kodachi, and his laughter became more sinister and with a very angry edge to it. Funny as Ranma's humiliation was… his face still burned like hell and he was going to take it out on all of these dumb cows.

"So, any other tricks?" Akane asked Kodachi.

"I could get my dear Mr. Turtle to battle this beast," Kodachi replied.

Nabiki folded her arms. "How about I sic my pet, instead?"

"Your pet?" Kodachi asked, wondering just what would be better than a giant crocodile/Dinosaur Empire leftover, before a barrage of explosive fragmentation rounds struck Pantyhose Taro, causing him to roar in pain as he was obscured in smoke.

Nabiki smirked, as everyone looked to see Shampoo standing on the wall with an automatic shotgun aimed at Pantyhose. "An exotic, purebred Chinese Bitch."

Akane gulped. "Well, shit just got real."

Plum, despite her awe at Shampoo's magnificent entrance, wondered what Cologne would do to them if she found out they were cussing like Sailor Senshi around her.

The smoke cleared, revealing Pantyhose staring death straight into Shampoo's eyes as she let the automatic shotgun dangle off her finger before falling to the ground. "Alright," she said with a voice that grew cold, lifeless, "It's time for round two, you lingerie-wearing bitch."

She jumped from the wall, and drew a pair of silver revolvers that gleamed in the afternoon sun. Plum's eyes sparkled. "Wow, Model 500s!"

It was Akane's turn to look down at her. "How do you know what that is?"

Pantyhose bellowed and charged. But as he reached her, she lifted one of the revolvers and fired, the heavy caliber weapon sounding like thunder as it discharged, and narrowly missed the monster. Moving to her left, Pantyhose attempted to crush her under his tentacles, only to be flanked by Shampoo in turn as she fired the revolver in her other hand, forcing him to move quickly to evade the grievously powerful round. When he attacked again, she evaded his tentacles and rounded him again, causing him to grow even angrier as he avoided another shot from the revolvers.

"I wonder where she got those…" Kodachi said as Shampoo and Pantyhose circled one another in vain attempts to strike one another.

"Birthday present," Nabiki chirped proudly.

"How nice of you, but she's not hitting him and she only has ten shots total. She needs to go in for the kill now!" Kodachi warned.

Akane clenched her fists, she remembered this perfectly. "Oh, she is."

"Six…" Shampoo fired again, missing Pantyhose before he tried to sweep her legs out from under her. She narrowly jumped and rolled, avoiding a swipe of his arm before firing again, once more forcing him to jump to the side to escape being hit. "… Five…"

She ran around him, lifting up her other revolver and shooting, aiming for Pantyhose's right wing, only to miss once more. "… Four…"

Pantyhose moved quickly, when she fired again, realizing that she was counting down her remaining shots. "… Three…"

He didn't attack this time, just grinning as he slowed down a little bit, offering her another shot. Shampoo took the bait, squeezing the trigger just as Pantyhose moved, revealing Kasumi's face directly in Shampoo's sights. The gun roared, as Kasumi tilted her head to one side, the powerful bullet barely grazing her cheek as it went on to punch through every wall in the Tendo home.

Shampoo didn't react at all. "… Two…"

Pantyhose slowed down again, as Shampoo followed him with her last round ready. "… One."

She fired, Pantyhose dodged, revealing Akane behind the round, already swinging her hand upward as Kodachi, Nabiki, and Plum hit the dirt. The spinning bullet reached Akane, and split in two, the halves flipping away from her and punching holes in the wall surrounding the residence.

Pantyhose grinned broadly, as Shampoo looked up at his looming body and tossed the now empty revolvers away. "And this is the end."

For her, Pantyhose thought triumphantly as he fell upon her. Instead of crushing her under thousands of pounds of brute force, however, Pantyhose received an uppercut to the gut that felt like a spear of ice had been rammed through his entire body. The wind suddenly kicked up tremendously, circling around them both as Shampoo narrowed her eyes and called out loudly.

"Hiryu Shoten Ha!"

The backyard seemed to explode, as the tornado created by the attack carried Pantyhose straight up, the winds and ki buffeting his massive body, slicing off several tentacles and sending slashes across his body that drew blood. On the ground, Akane shielded her eyes as she looked up at the growing twister.

"You magnificent bitch!" She screamed out at Shampoo.

Higher and higher Pantyhose went, as the monster tried to regain control. Several more deep gashes appeared, and he lost several more tentacles, before his wings finally caught lift, and he soared with the wind, until he managed to escape the deadly vortex's top. By then, however, the damage was readily apparent.

"Shit, he escaped it," Shampoo muttered.

Akane was disappointed. "He was able to fly out." She then looked to Shampoo. "Why didn't you do what you did before?"

"That was a one-time thing, I used the fire and you had a lot more angry ki to work with," Shampoo explained.

"I see." Akane looked back up at Taro, as his tentacles fell back to the ground and flopped about.

Pantyhose growled down at them, and then flipped them off while clutching at his injuries. Shampoo pointed up at him. "This isn't over."

Growling again, Pantyhose flew off as fast as he could, agreeing that this was far from finished. He just needed some time to recuperate.

"Shampoo, that was amazing!" Plum all but tackled Shampoo when she ran up to her.

Shampoo warmed up and smiled to Plum. "That was slightly above average, you're gonna see amazing next time I fight that weakling."

"It's not going to be a fight; he's going to be completely destroyed when I get my hands on him!" Ranma was now moving around, though given the strain it was likely through pure anger. "I'm going to beat him, skin him, tan his hide and make it into an outfit for me and Akane. Then I'm going to cook his corpse over a fire and feed starving children in Africa with it!"

Nabiki was impressed. "I think this is the angriest I've seen Ranma."

"After me and his hair, don't touch his food," Akane stated.

Kasumi hummed. "Ranma, I'm sorry that lunch will be late, but it will get cooked."

Ranma turned towards Kasumi and found that she was gathering up the tentacles Taro had lost during the battle. She looked to him, and smiled with a mischievousness that bordered the out of character. "Are you fine with takoyaki instead?"

Despite his readily apparent fury, Ranma quickly caught on to what Kasumi was aiming at, and his anger subsided. "You know what? Takoyaki sounds great right now."

* * *

The day after, on the school's football pitch, Ranma and Akane were amongst the other kids seated on the bleachers eating lunch and watching as the Vice Principal checked on the warded bokken that had not been moved from the spot Kuno had driven it into. Ranma was still smoldering over Taro being cheap as fuck, but the morbid satisfaction that he was eating takoyaki made from that dumb fuck took the edge off a lot.

Akane chewed a bit on her takoyaki. "It's saltier than I thought it'd be. There's kind of a beefy aftertaste, too."

Ranma liked it, personally. "I guess Kasumi can cook anything, huh?"

"Yeah." Akane held up another takoyaki to pop into her mouth. "So, when he comes back…"

"I already know what I'm going to do," Ranma replied plainly. "I'm not even giving him the satisfaction of a fight. It's going to be over and done."

Akane smiled as she leaned against Ranma. "It's going to be amazing isn't it?"

She picked up a takoyaki and offered it to Ranma, who happily ate it. With his mouth full he replied, "It's gonna light up the sky."

As the two snuggled and enjoyed each other's company, Kuno approached. He had intended to speak to Ranma regarding the encounter with Taro yesterday, but seeing Vice-Principal Okamada studying the bokken he headed over to head off whatever potential disaster being too close to the weapon could entail. "Okamada-sensei, even warded, it's dangerous to be near that weapon."

Okamada looked to Kuno and smiled genially. Since the incident involving the sword, the Vice-Principal had grown much more respectful of the Principal's son, and his ability to handle crises. "You have nothing to fear, this old man has more willpower than you think. Before I was a teacher, I handled all manner of ancient and mystical artifacts, you know."

"Oh?"

"My yes, I led the Archaeology Department at Toudai, before I decided that I wanted something a little less stressful."

So he came to run a High School in Nerima? Kuno found that a little odd, but then again he heard stories about Toudai, too…

Okamada noted, "A demonic weapon of this caliber will require only the most professional and skilled exorcist, Tatewaki-kun. Though expensive, such an exorcism is affordable by this school's budget."

A budget that Kuno was in charge of, nepotism was a bitch. Lifting a hand to his face, Kuno adjusted his sunglasses. "You're curious as to why I haven't had it moved?"

"The football club does need a place to play."

"When it is ready to move, it will be moved," Kuno replied. "It won't be here for much longer, Okamada-sensei."

"When _it_ is ready?" Okamada noticed then, that Kuno was chewing on a stick a bit longer than a toothpick. It was the sliver from the blade. "Tatewaki-kun, is that safe?"

Kuno nodded. "Don't concern yourself with it, Okamada-sensei. When the time's right, it will be no one's problem. Now if you'll excuse me…"

He left Okamada behind and walked up the steps of the bleachers. Ranma and Akane looked over to him, and the former nodded his way. "Yo."

"Did Kodachi tell you about yesterday?" Akane asked.

"Yes." Kuno sat down with them, but remained respectful of their space. "Do you have a plan for his next arrival?"

"Yep," Ranma replied as he hugged Akane and nuzzled her neck, making her moan happily. "I've been getting ready for him all day."

Was he really, now? "I still want my shot at him."

"Oh, go right ahead. I've got no intention of wasting any strength on that four-course meal," Ranma said before he ate another takoyaki ball.

Kuno stared at the Takoyaki, and grimaced a bit. "Is that from…?"

"The tentacles Shampoo chopped off? Yeah. It's actually pretty good." Ranma offered him the bento. "Want some?"

"No thank you, I'm not one for cannibalism."

Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "Ah well, more for us." He popped a takoyaki ball into Akane's mouth and chuckled when she happily ate it.

Kuno just shook his head. "I'll stick to Chinese food." He looked around. "Speaking of, has Shampoo arrived yet?"

"Not yet, why?" Akane asked.

"I wanted to discuss the possibility of joining forces against the monster."

Ranma grinned. "Don't think you can cut it against Panty Bitch on your own?"

"Not at all, I'm just interested in subscribing to the concept of 'Overkill' and she's the best known expert this side of Sailor Moon."

Ranma looked at the overcast sky overhead. "Well, better hope she shows up soon, because it looks like rain and were I an idiot like him, that'd be perfect for me to show up."

"You know," Akane said, "She should've been here to deliver lunch like usual."

"Nihao!" a cute voice called, but it was not Shampoo. Riding a bicycle of her own, Plum pulled to a stop on the edge of the football field, towing a cart of food behind her. "Your Cat Café lunchtime delivery has arrived!"

A crowd of students immediately formed around Plum, and she happily began calling out and handing out the individual orders. Humming, Akane got up and walked down the bleachers to join the young Chinese girl.

"Plum-chan," she called, "Why are you delivering lunch today, what happened to Shampoo?"

"Chicken Fried Rice and Teriyaki Chicken, here you go!" Plum shouted to a customer before tossing him a container. She looked to Akane after. "Shampoo had a big order to deliver on the other side of town, she couldn't make it today."

Akane hummed. "Convenient."

"What is?" Sayuri asked from the crowd as she left it with a tray full of Bourbon Chicken over Lo Mein. Yuka was with her, stuffing her face with pulled pork.

"That Shampoo would miss a lunch delivery to Furinkan with it looking ready to rain like this." Akane looked up at the sky, and then over towards the school's wall. Sure enough, there was Pantyhose Taro, walking along the top of it with a nonchalant smirk on his face.

Ranma stood up, and glared at Pantyhose. Kuno immediately grasped the hilt of his katana. The other students, upon recognizing Pantyhose as that creepy guy who turned into an eldritch abomination, quickly fled for their lives… though not without their food (or paying for it).

Akane looked down at her cast-wrapped arm, and sighed in disappointment that she wasn't able to go a hundred percent for this round. She then called over to Ranma. "I'll go get Nabiki and her camera."

Ranma finished his last takoyaki ball and folded his arms. "Go ahead; he'll still be here when you get back."

"I sure will, tranny-boy," Pantyhose replied before he leaped from the wall onto the bleachers, the landing cracking the seating under his feet. "Tell her to hurry though; I want her to catch your last breath on film so I can enjoy it later."

Not the very least impressed, Ranma looked Pantyhose over and sat back down before pulling out an umbrella. He opened it and held it above his head. "Well Kuno, there you go."

"There what goes?" Pantyhose asked as Kuno nodded in thanks to Ranma. "What's going on here?"

Ranma didn't even look at Pantyhose as he answered, "Listen here, you pervert. You came to my house threatening my old man and my fiancée's old man because you can't deal with your own shit. Yeah, you're powerful as all hell and under any other circumstances I'd love to beat the crap out of you, but you know what? You're not worth it; I won't gain anything from it."

He smiled. "So here's what I'm going to do for you, Panty-boy. My student, Tatewaki-kun here, is going to kick your ass all over the school, and when you're finally beaten into the ground unable to even stand _then_ I'm going to actually finish you off."

Pantyhose's eyes widened. "You're joking!"

Ranma shook his head. "No joke, I hate you so much I don't even want to give you the satisfaction of a fight."

Pantyhose pulled out a bottle of water and held it over his head to pour. "You son of a bitch, this isn't even going to-!"

In the next instant, Pantyhose was transformed to his monster form. Surprised, the monster looked at the bottle, and found it had been cut in half. He looked back down, and saw Tatewaki sheathing his sword as he stepped between Ranma and the monster.

"This form suits you better, monster. You're unable to speak like this," the swordsman taunted.

Kuno and Ranma both disappeared when Pantyhose roared and slammed his fists down onto the bleachers. First Ranma and then Kuno appeared a safe distance away from the bleachers. Turning his back to Kuno and keeping his umbrella above his head as the first raindrops began to fall, Ranma walked over to Plum and her bicycle cart.

"He's all yours, Kuno," he said. Pantyhose had other ideas, as he fell upon him, but powerful pressure wave struck the monster before he could lay a finger on Ranma, knocking him into the ground.

Pantyhose got up and quickly leaped into the sky to avoid Kuno's follow-up slash, the pressure wave cutting a narrow trench through the school yard.

Kuno snorted as a much steadier rain began to fall. "No need for finesse here, just go all out," He told himself before calling to the monster. "Hey! Remember what I said before? If you can't defeat me, you stand no chance against Ranma Saotome!"

Growling, Pantyhose dove straight for Kuno to crush him under his hooves. The attack missed, and Pantyhose leaped back from a trio of slashes. A forth however created a much stronger pressure wave that knocked him back.

Pantyhose skidded to a halt and shook his head as Kuno twirled his sword and assumed a low stance with the sword held behind him. To the side, Akane and Nabiki joined Ranma and Plum.

"What'd we miss?" Akane asked as Nabiki pulled out an expensive camera and started filming.

"Not much, they're playing around, but it's going to get serious in a second," Ranma replied.

"Is he going to be all right?" Plum asked.

Okamada, having seen to it that the other students who lacked in martial arts prowess were sent away, walked over to the group and answered Plum. "Tatewaki-kun is perfectly capable of handling the situation; he should have no trouble against the monster."

"He'll be fine," Nabiki assured, "Unless Pantyhose hits him in the gut, or manages to get him with that tetrodotoxin."

The other spectators stared at Nabiki.

Sighing, she pulled out her smart phone and began rattling off a text message. "Relax, relax, I'm already letting Shampoo know."

* * *

On the other side of town, Shampoo walked into an empty office pool reading an order from the receipt. "Nihao! Your Cat Café lunchtime delivery is… here…?"

She lowered the receipt and looked around. This was the address, she double-checked it and everything. "Hello? I know I got the address right, is there anyone here?"

She looked at the receipt again. "What the hell, who ordered this? Yu Asuka, right?"

On closer inspection of the order, there was an extra O and C in that name. Shampoo stared at the receipt, which began to smoke and smolder in her hand.

"Oh, a prank order… you're going to a very special hell when I find you." Her smart phone buzzed, and she reached into her pocket to fish it out. Staring at the message, her eyes lit up with malicious glee. "… No… hell is too good for you."

She was going to shove her new bike straight down Pantyhose Taro's throat, now. As she turned and walked out of the empty office pool, its windows glazed over with frost.

* * *

Pantyhose's ears twitched as he and Kuno sized one another up, but aside from that both were motionless. Up in the windows of the school, classmates gathered to watch the mayhem unfold, while on the roof Mousse and that ninja watched underneath an umbrella with drinks, snacks, and a video camera on hand to not miss a minute of the action.

"I wonder how this one managed to evade our notice," that ninja mused to Mousse.

"Funny, I heard about him back in China, but who would've thought he'd have a grudge against Saotome's Grand Master."

That ninja nodded. "Let's see if he's worth enlisting and not a dud like the pig."

Pantyhose growled, and launched at Kuno with a flap of his wings. Kuno evaded the punch aimed for his chest and slashed upward, Pantyhose flapping his wings to jump back. Turning quickly, Kuno performed an even stronger uppercut, buffeting Pantyhose with the pressure wave.

The monster counterattacked this time, sending his tentacles to converge upon and batter Kuno from different directions. Despite the increasingly wet grass, Kuno smartly evaded the strikes and even managed to deflect one of the tentacles with his sword. Growling, Pantyhose swung at Kuno, and missed again as the swordsman jumped back.

Landing, Kuno charged forward, stabbing repeatedly with the sword, creating quick and sharp pressure waves that battered Pantyhose as he blocked them while doing his best to keep away from him.

"I have greater range than you think!" Kuno shouted as he finally closed the distance and slashed across Pantyhose's chest, only to strike through an afterimage. "What?"

"He's behind you!" Ranma yelled.

Kuno rolled out of the way, quickly avoiding more of the tentacles as they tore up the ground where he had stood. He turned around and quickly parried two more of the tentacles, before blocking a final blow that threw him onto his back a fair distance away.

Pantyhose fell upon him, but the punch aimed to crush Kuno's skull missed by a fraction of a second as Kuno spun himself out of the way like some break dancing samurai and hopped clear from one foot to the other. As Kuno landed back, Pantyhose growled and looked at his arm–in the flurry of movement, Kuno had cut him.

"First blood belongs to Kuno," Nabiki confirmed.

"He's so cool!" Plum gasped.

The action stopped, Kuno and Pantyhose became still once more as they weighed their next moves. The cheers from the school fell quiet, as man and monster stood like statues under the now pouring rain.

Seconds of stillness that felt like minutes ended when Kuno stepped to the side, with Pantyhose stepping in the other direction. Slowly the two began to circle one another, Kuno moving his sword from a low stance to a high one as their position changed, and then back towards a waist-high stance.

Pantyhose stared at Kuno, and his cow lips pulled back into the vague approximation of a sinister grin. An instant later he attacked, sending four tentacles to converge upon Kuno.

With the slightest of movements, Kuno maneuvered himself between the tentacles. With a flick of his blade, he sliced all four of the arms apart. Two more swung down on him from above, and Kuno vaulted out of their reach.

Landing, he looked up and saw Pantyhose in mid lunge, swinging his hand straight down for his head. Without hesitation, he thrust his blade up, stabbing through Pantyhose's open palm and stopping the attack.

"Ow," Nabiki said with a grimace and unconsciously wrung her hand.

Plum looked away from the visceral sight, as Ranma and Akane tensed. Okamada frowned worriedly.

"This is not good," the Vice-Principal said.

It wasn't, as Pantyhose suddenly clenched his impaled hand into a fist, grabbing one of Kuno's hands gripping the sword in the process. Kuno attempted to move, but the beast's grip, it was like iron!

"Impressive, you sacrificed your hand to disarm me. Still, you must be in a lot of pain!" Kuno quickly twisted the blade, hoping to cause more, but Pantyhose didn't react to it at all. Instead, he pointed a finger from his other massive hand at Kuno's face and sprayed him with thick black ink.

"Octopus ink!" Ranma and Akane both shouted as the force of the ink spray actually launched Kuno through the air, leaving his sword literally in Pantyhose's hand.

"Of all the seriously lame tricks," Nabiki grumbled.

To everyone's amazement, Pantyhose had a much better one, as the chimaera began to laugh. Not just an animal-like approximation, but a guttural, deep bellow of sadistic amusement. "… You presume a lot of things… sword boy…!"

"He can talk in that form?" Ranma gasped.

"I'm part octopus," Pantyhose growled, "Octopi don't feel pain!"

Kuno slowly got up, wiping the ink from his face. The sunglasses protected his eyes, but it had no problem getting everywhere else. He spat out some ink, dropping the bokken splinter in the process, and shook his head clear of whatever else he could.

Pantyhose continued, "And in a few seconds… you won't feel pain either!"

The beast was right, as Kuno quickly felt sensation start to leave his body starting from the neck down. He took a few steps back, and tried to wipe his mouth clear of any remaining ink.

"Kuno, move!" Ranma yelled, but it was too late, as Pantyhose rushed and clobbered Kuno with his uninjured hand.

Kuno went tumbling across the wet grass, and Pantyhose went after him, catching up with him and scooping him off the ground with a tentacle. Holding his prey up high, Pantyhose looked back at Ranma and grinned.

"Not so smug now, are you… tranny-boy?" Pantyhose asked as he tightened his grip on Kuno. Lifting the stricken swordsman above his head, Pantyhose threw him into the ground below, the impact kicking up clumps of dirt and grass around the crater.

Plum covered her mouth in horror, as Akane got ready to jump in. Ranma reached out and grabbed her by the shoulder. "Oi, what did I tell you? He's going to kick your ass all over this school."

Despite the increasing numbness, Kuno managed to push himself back up onto his feet. "My sensei is correct. The only time he's going to even waste his time with you, is when I have you to within an inch of your life."

He shored up his willpower and shouted. "So let's continue our duel, beast!"

Pantyhose looked at the sword jutting out of his hand. "You don't have your weapon."

The monster had a point; Kuno needed that sword if he was going to fight properly.

Pantyhose slowly drew it out before holding it out in the palm of his hand. Do you… want this sword…?"

Kuno adjusted his sunglasses with a trembling hand. "I swear, if you do that stupid…"

Pantyhose crushed the sword in his fist, and tilted his snout up arrogantly.

Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Plum, Okamada, and all of the students watching wore the same blank expression, refusing to dignify what happened by giving it a response.

Kuno's eyebrow twitched. "You are a lame idiot."

"And you… are the walking dead!" Pantyhose threw himself at Kuno.

Kuno managed to raise his arms to block, but Pantyhose simply rounded him and struck him in the back, sending him bouncing off the side of the school. A tentacle grabbed Kuno as he ricocheted off the wall.

"Get… over here!" Pantyhose yelled as he yanked Kuno back to him. Releasing him, Pantyhose head-butted him right in the back, and tossed him up and over his head.

Like a rag doll, Kuno flipped end over end, and hit the wet ground unceremoniously. The audience dignified that with a cringe.

"Yep, the poison's gotten to him all right," Nabiki said.

Akane was more disgusted by the reference. "Mortal Combat, really?"

"Honored guest, do something! Pantyhose is going to kill him!" Plum pleaded with Ranma.

Ranma tightened his grip on his umbrella. "No he's not, Kuno's a lot of things… but he's tougher than that."

Sure enough, despite feeling nothing in his limbs, and difficulty breathing, Kuno managed to push himself up to his hands and knees. He stared at the ground, the sliver of Musashi's bokken laid in the grass beneath him. He picked it up, as Pantyhose strolled towards him.

Out the corner of his eye, Okamada noticed a red light, and turned to see the bokken itself was reacting, glowing brightly. "The demon blade…"

"This… is funny…" Pantyhose growled as he picked Kuno off the ground with a tentacle around his waist. "Yesterday, I did the same thing to the tranny… and his bottom bitch had to save him…"

He lifted up Kuno and slammed him into the ground. "Now he's just… standing there… watching you get wrecked… because he is a pussy!"

He held Kuno up again, and grinned towards Ranma. "Isn't that right? You need… to hide behind women… because you're only half one… just like you need to hide behind this idiot, because you're only half man!"

"He does not hide behind me, monster."

Pantyhose looked at Kuno, surprised that he could still talk with the poison in his system. When he did, he got an even nastier surprise in the form of a slash across his face from the splinter. Unlike the sword strikes from before, this measly attack actually hurt him despite his octopus physiology! It burned at his face, causing him to stagger back and drop Kuno.

Landing on his feet and numb from head to toe, Kuno coughed a few times and bit down onto the splinter. "I asked for this fight! I wanted to fight you from the moment I first fought you! Ranma Saotome… he is letting me have this opportunity to crush you, so I can prove my worth as a student of the School of Indiscriminate Grappling!"

Kuno held up his fist. "And crush you I will, right here… right now! Rejoice dog, you are about to witness the full ascension of Tatewaki Kuno!"

Pantyhose growled as the pain went away. "I was going to let the poison do the work… but now I think I'll mash you from head to heel and turn every bone you have… to dust. It's only a sample of what's to come for the rest of you!"

Kuno staggered a bit, and grinned. "Do your worst!"

Before Pantyhose could attack, Okamada called out. "Captain of the Kendo Club, don't you need a sword?"

All eyes went to Okamada, who was pulling the bokken of Miyamoto Musashi out of ground, the seals coming undone and the wards burning away from the blade. With surprising strength, Okamada yelled and threw the bokken towards Kuno.

"That sword?" Akane asked in disbelief.

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, that sword!"

The sword tumbled through the air past Kuno, but at the very last moment he lashed out with his arm and caught the bokken. The demon bokken began to glow brightly, its aura spreading across Kuno and completely encapsulating him. Behind his sunglasses, his eyes shined red briefly as he stared at Pantyhose.

"Miyamoto Musashi, your opponent has come," Kuno declared.

His lips then turned up into a sneer, as the bokken replied through him. "Oh, you live in interesting times indeed, boy! I've chosen well!"

Pantyhose let out a threatened growl. Something was different about him, what was this powerful, heavy aura suddenly coming off this guy? Where the hell did he get a magic sword form?

"Wow, Kuno-baby is looking pretty hardcore right now," Nabiki said as she kept filming. "Like he's about to go God of War all over this asshole."

"He sure is," Ranma said with a grin.

Kuno held the bokken up close to his face, as the red battle aura began to recede to just the blade. "Demon sword, entrust your strength to me and from here on I will strike down my opponents until the Gods themselves are driven before my feet."

He closed his eyes. "In exchange, you will inherit my soul!"

The sword's aura flared brightly, as Kuno thrust the blade to the pouring rain above. "From this day forth, you shall be known as…!"

**SWORD OF THE WAR GOD! DAI-KUNO!**

**[Chapter 29]**

Blue lightning cut through the sky, striking the bokken and the symbols for "Sword of the War God" burned themselves along the length of the blade. The cheers of hundreds of students quickly drowned out the ensuing thunder, as Kuno swung the sword down and assumed a ready stance.

Pantyhose was stunned at first, but quickly regained his composure, best as a monster could. "What does Chapter 29 mean?" He shook his head. "Magic sword or not… it won't make a difference when… I'm through with you!"

Kuno just snorted. "Taste the power of Dai-Kuno, wretch!"

He took a step back. "I am Tatewaki Kuno, the sword of the School of Indiscriminate Grappling!"

Kuno suddenly vanished, and appeared directly in front of Pantyhose. With a yell, he performed an uppercut that launched Pantyhose into the sky like a missile.

"Whoa!" Ranma shouted as he watched Pantyhose rocket upwards.

Another flash of lightning flashed across the sky. When it passed, there was Kuno with the bokken raised above his head. With another great yell, he slashed downward, smashing Pantyhose down towards the edge of the school's property.

Pantyhose hit the ground first, followed by the immense pressure wave of the slash, which dug a trench over five meters deep and sixty meters long, taking out the wall and much of the street beyond it.

The already cheering students broke into out and out hysterics, chanting Kuno's name as he landed at the end of the trench and adjusted his sunglasses. "There is nothing, I cannot…"

He gasped for breath, and then fell to one knee. On the bright side, the poison was burning away, but on the downside the incredible pain from the injuries Pantyhose inflicted on him was roaring through his system. It was even more paralyzing than the poison itself.

"Damn… that hurts…" He growled.

Doing his best to ignore it, he looked into the chasm he created. That took much more out of him than he had expected, but the result spoke for itself, Pantyhose Taro was down for the count.

…In another time and place where monsters like him weren't inhumanly durable as well as inhumanly strong. Pantyhose, his wings torn and a huge gash across his chest, leaped out of the hole and swung a hammer-blow into Kuno with all of his might, sending the injured swordsman crashing into the side of the school.

"KILL YOU! KILL YOU! KILL YOU!" Pantyhose bellowed as he clutched at his heavily bleeding injury. "I'LL KILL YOU, ALL OF YOU! COME ON!"

Ranma and the group with him were surprised that Pantyhose had gotten up after that.

"That's incredible, just how tough is this guy?" Akane asked.

Ranma shook his head. "Come on, just another good hit ought to do it…"

Nabiki turned the camera away from the raving Pantyhose monster to Kuno, who pulled himself out of the hole in the wall, and drove his bokken into the ground the lean against it. "I think Kuno's all out."

"He's looking at us," Plum pointed out.

They all looked over, and sure enough Pantyhose was staring at them… seeing the world in the most brilliant shade of red most eyes could not comprehend. He let out another roar, and stamped his feet, preparing to charge. A Javelin Missile soaring through the sky and diving straight down onto Pantyhose interrupted any of that, however.

The smoke cleared and Pantyhose looked back, following the smoke trail of the missile to Shampoo, who tossed aside the empty launcher and took the handlebars of her new bike, a high performance Honda chopper. Her expression was frigid, and the puddles of rain around her bike were frozen solid.

"This is the last time I want to see you alive, you piece of shit," she said to Pantyhose.

She hit the throttle, racing straight for Pantyhose, who bellowed and lashed out at her with his remaining tentacles. Skillfully, she avoided every strike, and skirted around Pantyhose, tossing onto him a pair of satchel charges and pulling their cords as she passed. The dual explosions broke the windows of the buildings around the school, though the school's withstood it nicely.

Hitting the brake, Shampoo slid to a halt at Tatewaki's side, the swordsman wrapped up in the bokken's aura as it healed his injuries. She saw the sword and recoiled a bit, before she felt the heat of the battle aura.

"Hey, you in there or is that the demon?" Shampoo asked.

"It's me," Kuno said as he stood up on his feet.

Shampoo nodded. "Good, I'm going to need your help."

Kuno smirked. "I was about to ask for yours."

"Well then, follow my lead." Shampoo dismounted from her bike and flicked her hair. "Come; let's show this piece of shit his place!"

Grabbing her bike by the handlebars, she tossed it up into the air, as Kuno pulled his bokken out of the ground. Seeing her prepare to jump, he did the same.

"Naturally!" he called, and both jumped high into the air, Shampoo's soul of ice and the demonic aura of Kuno's bokken swirling around perfectly as another flash of lightning cut through the sky. As Pantyhose stared, the rain suddenly intensified, becoming a torrential downpour, with more lightning crashing around the school.

A final lightning bolt struck the roof of the school, revealing Shampoo and Kuno both atop her bike. Brandishing his bokken, Kuno called out, "Two souls, striking as one!"

Shampoo floored it again, sending the motorcycle hurtling off the roof and crashing to the ground, tearing up the concrete and grass as it raced towards the injured monster. With one hand on her shoulder, Kuno held on for dear life through the beating rain and wind whipping into his face.

"Shampoo's running cold…" Ranma realized.

Akane was on the same page. "It's mixing with Kuno's battle aura. They're going to do it."

Pantyhose, shaking his head, simply charged his attackers. "I WILL BURY YOU!"

"Aim straight for his stomach, and swing him around!" Shampoo yelled.

Kuno looked to the bokken for a split second. "Dai-Kuno, give me all your strength!"

Pantyhose lunged, to tackle Shampoo and Kuno from the bike. At the last second, Shampoo edged to the right and Kuno caught Pantyhose in the stomach with the bokken. Yelling through the lingering pain as the bokken's aura enveloped him, Kuno swung Pantyhose around, and then began to barrage him with strikes, juggling him with titanic force and sending him bouncing around in circles around the bike as it traveled forward.

"Together, now!" Shampoo called out.

"Yes!" Kuno yelled as he swung his sword in an upward arc and Shampoo performed an uppercut.

"_**HIRYU SHOTEN HA!"**_

Pantyhose Taro didn't stand a chance. The tornado was far more powerful than before, lifting him, swinging him around, and slashing him from every conceivable direction and angle as it carried him straight up and through the towering clouds, ripping through them and allowing the afternoon sun to shine straight down through the hole.

Below the tornado, Shampoo slammed the brakes as Kuno rested his bokken over his shoulder. Above them Pantyhose spun around in a daze.

"What do you normally say here?" She asked, before she remembered. "Ah, there is nothing…"

Kuno adjusted his sunglasses, just before tremendous lightning bolt crashed down through Pantyhose, his bellow of pain lost in the ensuing roar of thunder.

"… _**We cannot cut!"**_

Finishing his last can of soda, Mousse looked to that ninja. "What do you think?"

"He's certainly a glutton for punishment." She got up. "Let's get out of here before they notice us."

* * *

About an hour later, the last of the rain cleared, and the sun shone down on the battlefield that was Furinkan High School. Okamada, Kuno, and Ranma stood by the trench made by the swordsman marveling at it. Behind them, Nabiki, Shampoo, Akane, and Plum were reviewing the footage Nabiki caught.

"This is going to be a kick in the budget, huh?" Ranma asked Okamada.

"Not as severe as you would think. When this school was constructed, there was a hefty insurance policy placed upon it. That should cover this easily," Okamada replied.

Ranma nodded. "As long as I don't have to foot the bill somehow, then that's good."

Kuno, now proudly wearing his demon bokken on his hip, sighed. "My only regret about today is that you didn't get to finish him off."

Ranma folded his arms. "That is kind of a bummer."

"Hey Ran-chan, were you looking for this guy?"

The two young men and the middle-aged one looked at Ukyo in surprise as he rolled up with a wheelbarrow full of Pantyhose Taro. He was in human form and covered in scratches and burns.

"Pantyhose!" Ranma shouted, catching the attention of the girls.

"I was a few blocks over, setting my cart back up with the rain gone, when he suddenly fell onto it and wrecked it." He dumped Pantyhose onto the ground.

"He's still unconscious." Kuno poked him with his bokken.

Okamada cringed. "He smells like an all-you-can-eat buffet on fire."

"That's about right," Ranma said as the girls arrived. He looked to Akane. "Get me a kettle."

Moments later, the sting of hot water roused Pantyhose from his unconsciousness. Sputtering he looked around. "What…? Where am I…?"

He stopped when he saw Ranma and Akane sitting in front of him. Ranma was cross-legged on the wet grass, as Akane sat on his lap, making out with him unashamedly. Cringing in disgust, Pantyhose tried to get away, but he found that he was bound and suspended from a tree branch. He looked up, and there was Shampoo, smiling down at him as she dropped the empty kettle on his head.

"Ow! You bitch, when I get out of this…!"

"You'll what?" Ranma asked as he broke the kiss with Akane. Akane continued without him, kissing his cheek and neck as he dealt with Pantyhose.

Pantyhose glared at him, and attempted to break free, but he had none of the strength to do so. He simply sighed and bowed his head.

Ranma smirked. "That's what I thought. I don't need to remind you what happens next, but I will anyway. Kuno kicked your ass, and now I get to finish you off."

Ranma pushed Akane off him. Akane fell onto her back with a playful squeak, and looked up at her fiancé warmly as he stood up and stretched.

Pantyhose smirked ruefully. "So, you're going to do this to me while I'm helpless?"

"That's the idea," Ranma replied, "You see, Kuno beat the shit out of you. He and Shampoo _destroyed_ you, and I can take on both of them at the same time by myself without too much trouble."

He cracked his knuckles. "You're trash compared to them, a waste of my God damned time."

Pantyhose let out a laugh. "That doesn't change the fact that you're an ugly shemale."

Ranma looked over to Akane, who nodded and poured a bucket of cold water on him, now her. She looked back to Pantyhose. "Man or woman, at least I can proudly say 'my name is Ranma Saotome', Panty-boy."

Pantyhose saw red, and began to thrash around in his bindings. "Fuck you, freak, fuck you and your name!"

Akane hugged Ranma from behind and kissed her on the cheek, before looking to Pantyhose. "But Ranma's name is so cool… I think I'll name our first child that."

"Wild Horse, it is truly a commendable and respectable name," Kuno, who was off to the side, said.

"It's Chinese too, that makes it even better to me!" Shampoo said.

Nabiki, who was filming from a distance, nodded assent. "It's okay to be jealous of his cool name, Pantyhose Boy, especially since yours is so lame."

"I'm going to kill all of you!" Pantyhose snarled.

"Shut up," Ranma said as she punched him in the mouth. "Trash like you doesn't get to talk."

She then punched him in the stomach, causing the splinters to fly from the other side. As Pantyhose coughed loudly in pain, Ranma began to batter him with punches. "I hate trash like you, pretending how terrible his life is and using it as an excuse to act like a fucking idiot!"

Ranma then drew her arms back, as her yellow battle aura flickered around her. "I've already dealt with Ryoga's shit, so I'm sure as hell not dealing with your retarded baggage!"

A loud buzzing followed as Ranma began to pulverize Taro and the tree, splinters and sawdust fanning out in front of her as she unleashed the Chestnuts at the bottom of a Deep Fryer Fist technique. Rather than fall, the tree seemed to sink downward as if descending into a wood-chipper, creating a cloud of dust around the two of them. "So do yourself, myself, and everybody on Earth who doesn't give a shit a favor…"

She performs an uppercut, launching Taro straight up into the air and clearing away the dust and smoke. Any remaining particles were burned away as Ranma enveloped herself in her full battle aura. "… AND DISAPPEAR!"

As Taro neared the apex of his flight, Akane embraced Ranma from behind and nuzzled her cheek. "I love you, Ranma."

Ranma smiled. "I love you too."

Akane kissed Ranma on the cheek.

"… YUUJIN…!" Ranma yelled as she raised he hands and pointed them up at Pantyhose. "BAKUHA!"

The beam of golden light illuminated the daytime sky, as it curved slightly to strike Pantyhose, sending light scattering away from the point of impact. Seeing the attack connect, Ranma opened the tap and an even broader beam surged up to strike Pantyhose as the recoil of the attack pushed her and Akane back. Propelled on the beam like an angry Prince of Saiyans, Pantyhose let out a bellowing roar as he was sent off into the clear blue sky.

"FUUUUUUUUU…!"

As Pantyhose's scream faded into the distance, Ranma let her attack ebb to a few fading flickers and grinned. "Goodbye you freak, I hope I never see you again."

"We'll see him again soon enough, I'm sure," Akane lamented.

Ranma leaned back against her, and gave Akane a brief kiss on the lips. "Like everybody else these days. If I didn't already know someone was out to get me, I'd start suspecting."

"Makes you wonder what they're going to pull next, huh?" Akane asked.

* * *

As Pantyhose Taro crossed the sky like a shooting star, a van pulled up to a wall along one of Furinkan's busier streets. Getting out of it, a pair of handymen got to work, putting up a board and rolling out a large poster across it. After securing it and making final checks, the men climbed back into their van and drove away to put up another sign elsewhere.

As the van left, passers-bys gathered around the sign to see what had been posted. In bold red lettering, the sign had a single message:

"BILLION YEN GRAND PRIX! FIGHT TO WIN! COMING SOON!"

* * *

A/N: We're past the halfway point.


	30. Gentlemen, start your Engines

Disclaimer: This is the first chapter written entirely on Google Docs. Yay, I guess?

**The Key to A Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!**

Gentlemen, start your engines

_What would you do, for a Billion Yen? Would you lie? Would you steal? Would you_…_ fight?_

**[30.]**

Lately, or at least in the few weeks since Pantyhose Taro was utterly destroyed by Tatewaki Kuno and Shampoo, Nerima was seeing an influx of martial artists coming into the ward. From casual self-defense practitioners, to self-proclaimed Grand Masters, they were arriving by the bus, boat, plane, and trainload, and coming from as far away as the other side of the world to roam the narrow streets of the city, fill its hotels, and even camp out in the parks. They were all here for the same reason, answering the same open invitation that went out the very day Taro got his shit ruined.

"This Billion Yen Grand Prix thing is getting a bit out of hand," Akane complained as she, Ranma, Nabiki, and Tatewaki ate lunch on the roof of the school. "Nobody even knows what it is besides that they're giving away a billion yen to the winner, and already people are starting fights in the street, waving their dicks around like it'll improve their chances."

"Ah, so it's come to that now?" Nabiki asked. While the allure of a string-free billion yen got her panties soaked, Nabiki knew she wasn't a martial artist and was comfortable enough with the idea of having family or friends win it for her to not invest much interest into it.

Akane shoveled some rice into her mouth. "The worst part is that most of these people are just awful. Those douchebag friends of yours, Hiroshi and Daisuke, could beat them up," she said to Ranma. In fact, they were already 4-0 against these losers.

"Those douchebags aren't my friends. They just hang out with me because I'm cool as fuck," he replied.

Nabiki hummed. "Not cool enough, if that's the quality of friends you attract."

"Dude, I have the best friends, they've all just got their own things going on, or are you guys."

Kuno was frying some ground beef on a hotplate. "You know, Ranma. Nabiki does have a point; beyond myself, Ukyo, and Shampoo, you don't regularly hang out with others. You don't have many friends."

"I don't need friends, just comrades," Ranma said dramatically with a clenched fist.

"That's what Lenin said," Nabiki pointed out.

"At the rate he's going, he's going to be one of the girls," Akane noted. Ranma glowered at Akane as she continued, "When he's not filling his man-quota with Kuno and Ukyo, he's hanging all over me even when I'm going out with my friends. You know, my real friends who've had my back since middle school?"

Ranma grew petulant. "Oh yeah, and what am I supposed to do. Just pick up the phone and say 'Hey Scott, would you mind swinging by and hanging out at my house? Wait, you're in Canada? That's cool. Maybe next week'?"

Nabiki shrugged her shoulders. "For a shot at a billion yen, he's probably here right now."

"That would be nice," Ranma said before a commotion at the front gates of the school caught everyone's attention. "What could that be?"

It was a gang of about two dozen men, maybe even more. Judging by their looks and attire, they were all wannabe gangsters and thugs and they were all brandishing weapons and looking like they were here for business. At the middle of the crowd, his arms folded across his chest, was a particularly hefty-looking guy with spiky blonde hair, sunglasses, and the physique of a guy who hit the gym hard at least three times a week and took karate lessons by correspondence.

"This is certainly new," Nabiki said.

Kuno got up. "I'll have Okamada release the hounds-"

"ATTENTION FURINKAN HIGH SCHOOL!" a smallish dude with a megaphone who looked like he came straight out of the Galo Sengen music video called out. "WE WANT RANMA SAOTOME TO COME OUT RIGHT NOW, OR WE GONNA TRASH THIS BITCH!"

Akane looked at Ranma. "What did you do?"

"Nothing I didn't do anything," Ranma quickly replied as he stood up. "Best head down there to see what's up."

Kuno sighed. "This had better be good, I just finished browning the taco meat."

Ranma headed for the stairwell. "Chill, I'll be back up in a second."

Akane got up and followed, as did Nabiki. By the time the three reached the courtyard of the school, a crowd of students had gathered, a number of them club members armed as well in order to defend their school from these mysterious accosters.

"Stand down guys, I got this," Ranma reassured the other students as he reached the crowd. "I'm Ranma Saotome, what's up?"

"Yo, for real? You're Ranma Saotome?" The annoying guy with the megaphone said. Behind him, and around their supposed leader, the rest of the gang started throwing up gang signs, hooting, hollering, and yelling "yo" like a pack of monkeys.

Nabiki pulled out a camera and began filming. "It's not every day a pack of monkeys shows up looking for a fight."

"Yeah, and who are you guys?" Ranma asked.

"We're the Wild Bulls, the baddest motherfuckers from Kyushu! We came all the way here, to the big city, to burn the name of our boss into it!" The megaphone guy yelled as he pointed back at the spiky-haired burly blonde. "Word on the street is that Nerima is home to a real badass, a guy stronger than two hundred men put together. The baddest motherfucker in all of Tokyo. A man named... Akane Tendo!"

Akane's hair fell over her eyes, hiding them in the shadows of her bangs. Ranma glanced her way as wisps of blue light began to rise from her body, before he returned his attention to the gang. "Then why are you looking for me?"

"Well, rumor has it that you're Tendo's underling, and if we want Tendo, we have to go through his right hand! So we wanna send a message!" the megaphone idiot responded... through the megaphone.

Nabiki, keeping her camera on the confrontation, looked over to Akane and saw that she had a smile of barely contained rage on her face, and her hand still not encased in a cast was so tightly clenched that blood was seeping from between her fingers.

"I think you got your information wrong. First, Akane Tendo is not the baddest motherfucker in all of Tokyo, she's third at best. Second, I'm the baddest motherfucker in all of Tokyo," Ranma said with no small amount of indignity.

"Third baddest?" Akane growled at Ranma, still smiling.

"Yo, dawg, you talking some of that real shit, huh? Well turn in your title because our boss Bull is here to cop it!"

Ranma tilted his head. "Who now?" He looked towards their sunglasses-wearing boss. "That guy?"

"Don't show disrespect to our boss!" The entire crowd of hoodlums yelled.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "I'll show disrespect to all of you idiots. Go away before you die."

"The only one who better recognize is you, city boy! Our boss is no mortal dude, he's fought the strongest in Japan, and was even trained by an instructor at the legendary Ryoubu University!" The loud idiot's megaphone was suddenly shoved into his mouth, silencing him, before Ranma pushed him onto his back.

"The legendary what now?" Ranma asked.

Nabiki was already checking Wikipedia on her smartphone. "It's apparently some college on Kyushu that majors in the study of martial arts. It's really just a place for egghead try-hards who want to act in martial arts movies or start cheap third-rate dojos in shopping plazas."

"Ha, if only you knew the true horror of Ryoubu, of Juuzenji!" the man they called Bull suddenly declared as he stepped up to the front of his cheering crowd.

Ranma looked back. "Juuzenji?"

"The neighborhood where Ryoubu is located, all the way over in Kumamoto," Nabiki replied.

"It's a whole different world from the rest of Japan, where even little girls can take down entire crews without breaking a sweat! If you were from, where I was from, you'd be dead!" Bull boasted.

"Good for you, scout," Ranma replied.

Bull clenched a fist. "Don't you dare talk down on me! Even I, a man who could summon a thousand loyal soldiers in an instant, was no match for that place. But I endured, and I flourished... we all flourished!" As he spoke, his gang began crying manly tears, the sort men cry when they recall their hardships."Thanks to the teaching of my master... I've come to burn my mark into legend and to do that... I need to take out the biggest and the baddest in Tokyo!"

He pointed at Ranma. "That's why I'm here to kick your ass!"

Ranma slowly nodded. "Yeah... no." He turned around and walked away.

Bull's hand dropped. "What? No?! You're just going to walk away from a challenge?! Coward!"

Surprisingly, Ranma didn't stop. "You're lucky I'm in a good mood. It's Thursday, and Thursday is taco day, and despite being far too cool for such a menial task, Tatewaki Kuno makes some damn good tacos."

Bull folded his arms, and smirked. "It's okay if you're intimidated because I brought all my boys. But I promise you it'll be one on one!"

Ranma ignored him entirely now, as he went back inside the school. Seeing this, Bull let out a laugh. "Did you see that? Akane Tendo's right hand ran off crying like a baby! This town is as good as ours!"

Nabiki cleared her throat, grabbing the crowd's attention. "Uh, Bull-san? I really hate to rain on your parade, but..."

Actually she did, as she directed their attention to Akane, who was flexing and popping the joints of her blood-dripping hand as she gave the gang of hoodlums and their boss a gleefully murderous look.

The Gal-O Sengen reject finally spat out his megaphone and stood up as they stared at Akane. "Boss? That chick looks like she wants to fight!"

"Remember, we ain't in Juuzenji anymore! We don't fight girls like that!" Bull declared.

"Good," Akane said. "Because I really hate it when the dumb ones struggle!"

"Akane, stop!" She stopped mid-lunge at Ranma's voice, and looked back to see him leaning over the edge of the school's roof, shaking his head disapprovingly. "They aren't worth it."

"But-!" Akane snapped back.

Ranma shook his head. Akane bristled at his further denial. "They called me a-!"

"There aren't enough ambulances in all of Nerima for these guys," Ranma said.

Akane stopped at that, and then looked at the group. She then looked back up at Ranma. "Fine, I'll just beat up their leader then."

Ranma immediately gave her a thumb's up. "Just don't kill him, okay?"

"Okay!" She turned to face the gang again. Bull removed his sunglasses and arched an eyebrow.

"You don't want to fight me, I stepped out of what even Grand Masters would call Hell!" he boasted as his crew cheered him and jeered her. "You don't want to mess with a dude like me at full health, let alone with a broken arm-" Akane disappeared from Bull's sight. "W-what the?"

Bull disappeared from his gang's sight.

"B-Boss?" They looked around the courtyard, seeing no sign of their boastful leader at all. Ten seconds passed, still nothing, and by thirty seconds the gang was calling for their boss or arguing for others to be quiet when they thought they heard the sound of blows being struck or screams of pain.

After exactly one minute, one of the thugs suddenly pointed. "Look!"

Akane was right back where she had been standing before, almost every inch of her body save her cast-covered arm splattered with blood. "Stepped out of Hell, huh?"

She turned and kicked upward, catching a heavily beaten and bloodied Bull on her foot. He lay face up, all but impaled on her foot, twitching and gasping as bloody foam trickled from his mouth. On seeing this, his entire gang recoiled in horror and disbelief.

Sporting impressive flexibility, Akane reached up and caressed Bull's face as she spoke in his ear. "Well this is God's domain."

She slammed his ravaged body to the ground at the feet of his men, prompting applause from the students of Furinkan.

"BOSS!" Bull's crew screamed in unison.

"Yo, Akane... I didn't get any good film at all, what a waste." Nabiki lamented.

"Next time use a high speed camera," Akane boasted as some of them rushed to Bull's aid, while the others moved to confront her with bats, swords, and other weapons ready.

"Y-you! Who do you think you are, doing that to our boss?!" the megaphone guy yelled.

"Who? I'm sorry, allow me to introduce myself." Akane took her skirt, and performed a curtsy. "I am Akane Tendo."

The fight quickly left Bull's men, as the horrifying realization dawned on them. Grabbing their boss, the gang left, screaming in terror of Akane's violence and their inability to comprehend it. Akane watched them go, flicking excess drops of blood from her hand.

"Is he going to be okay?" Nabiki asked.

"Oh yeah, I held back on him. He was all doughy and soft, if I hit him too hard, my hand would've gone clean through him," Akane replied.

Nabiki nodded. "I guess they don't make 'em in Hell like they used to."

"I'm sure they do, that guy was a manufacturer's defect for sure." Akane clapped her hands together. "I'm gonna get cleaned up and have some tacos."

As Akane and Nabiki headed back inside the school, a very annoyed panda watching from some nearby trees shook his head and growled.

* * *

On the other side of Tokyo, in the gleaming metropolis of Minato a solitary figure stood in front of a skyscraper, his head bowed, his shoulders slumped, and tears running down his cheeks. Overcome with depression, Ryoga Hibiki choked back a sob, before he held up his hands. His life, he told himself, was misery. Everything he struggled, strived, and fought for was out of his reach. No one cared about his feelings, no one loved him, no one wanted to see him happy. He was devoid of light, of joy, of even a modicum of happiness!

"I'M IN DESPAIR!" he screamed. "BEING ME HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR!"

Lifting his hands, he screamed in anguish as he fired off the Shishi Hokodan, the massive beam blasting a wedge-shaped hole through the bottom floor of the skyscraper. With a great and terrible rumble, the 50 story building came down, crashing into a pile of rubble neatly where it stood and sending a tremendous cloud of dust scattering everywhere.

A great gust of wind then blew up, blowing away the dust and clearing it... revealing a dust-covered Ryoga grinning like an idiot to a crowd of cheering spectators who came to see an old, condemned skyscraper meet its end in a truly awesome fashion.

Stepping over, also covered in skyscraper dust, was a tall, older dark-brown haired woman, well-built from years of construction duty. "All clear! Well done Hibiki, that's the fifth successful demolition this month! I swear you make us pros look like jokes without even trying!"

Ryoga bashfully rubbed the back of his head. "I'm just doing my job, boss; I've got mouths to feed and all."

The demolition crew's foreman, Nanami Sakana, put her arm around Ryoga and hugged him to her side. "Don't be so modest! You should be proud of the work you're doing. After all, you can't build anew if you don't tear down the old. You're leading the drive of progress in this city!"

Contrary to what he had been telling himself before he leveled an entire building with despair, Ryoga's life had actually been going really good for these past eight months or so. Despite being married literally at gunpoint to a girl he'd gotten pregnant under circumstances he refused to disclose to _anyone_, he and his wife were happy, their child was adorable and he loved her to bits, and he had not only a well-paying job... but a well-paying job that he was good at and liked to do!

However, pride–despite Nanami's insistence–was a bit of a problem. As much as he was content with the hand that life has dealt him so far, a very small part of him was resentful towards it. A small part of Ryoga, ignored except in the briefest moments of introspection, that asked why he was satisfied with the silver medal of life when he could have more.

"What's next on the agenda, boss?" A tall, broad man carrying a croquet mallet over his shoulder and sporting a bright green mohawk, asked as he walked over.

Nanami smiled. "Well, since we're ahead of schedule, I say we call it quits early and celebrate. We're already paid for the day's work after all."

The man, Hagane Kuma grinned broadly. "I got the booze if you got the fish!"

Nanami's smile blew up into a grin. "I've always got the fish." She turned and called over to two more individuals, a pair of women who, unlike Nanami, appeared sorely out of place on the deconstuction site. "Oi! Kyoko! Jo! Party time!"

Jo Nezumi, a blonde-haired woman who looked like middle schooler despite her age of twenty-nine, tilted up her yellow safety helmet and grinned. "Oh yeah? Great!"

"I just hope we're not having more fish," an elegant and attractive violet-haired woman with a body and face better suited for modeling and acting, Kyoko Taka, groaned.

Nanami laughed as the group left the site. "Too bad, I caught an entire barrel this morning!"

Kyoko groaned. "Oh joy of joys."

Nanami, Hagane, Jo, Kyoko, and Ryoga... these were the rising stars of Japan's demolition industry, Nihon Break Kogyo.

Within a half hour of leaving the site, the group was hanging around a picnic table and grill in a nearby park. At the grill Nanami skillfully gutted, cleaned, and seasoned fish before throwing them over the hot coals. Kyoko, not at all shy about her dislike for fish, was eating a cheeseburger at the table, one of a plate of a dozen all for her. Next to her, Jo was browsing the internet on a smartphone, and ignoring the occasional and loud growls of hunger that emanated from her stomach. Ryoga and Hagane were a short distance over from the table and grill, the latter brandishing his croquet mallet as the former steeled himself.

"Ready?" Hagane asked. "It's not too late to back out, kid!"

Ryoga nodded. "I'm telling you it's okay; just hit me with all your might."

Grinning, Hagane reared back and swung the seemingly harmless mallet with all his might and a great yell. On contact with Ryoga's stomach, the young man was all but knocked on his feet, but managed to catch himself and stagger backward. Placing a hand over his stomach, Ryoga coughed as he tried to catch the wind knocked out of him.

"Hoo! You're a monster, sempai," Ryoga admitted as he rubbed his stomach.

"I'm the monster? I'm amazed I was finally able to move you," Hagane said with a laugh. "You weren't holding back on my behalf, were you?"

Ryoga shook his head. "No sir, in fact I've been training to be able to take everyone's hits better. With all the work pouring in, I want to be at my physical peak."

"That's a good attitude to have, Ryoga-kun!" Nanami shouted as she tossed him a cooked fish on a stick.

As Ryoga caught and chowed down on the fish, Hagane shouldered his mallet. "So, why aren't you dominating the martial arts circuit with your power? You're built like a tank and can probably bench press two."

Ryoga shrugged his shoulders. "I want to say that I'm retired from martial arts. Getting into fights all the time is too troublesome, and it doesn't pay the bills like tearing buildings down."

"Still, you could do it for fun," Hagane suggested. "The old ball and chain isn't going to let you go?"

Ryoga shook his head. "Osaka actually thinks it's really cool."

In fact, Mrs. Hibiki had frequently expressed a desire to see him fight Godzilla. "But she's fine with me wanting to put the family first, you know?"

"It couldn't hurt to give it a shot," Jo said. "In fact there's a big martial arts thing being held in Nerima a billion yen."

Kyoko nodded. "Yeah, it's been all over the news and the net. You guys have TV, right?"

Ryoga and Hagane turned towards the tiny woman in surprise. "A billion yen?!"

"If you ask me, it's a bigger waste of money than Battle City," Kyoko said with a mouthful of hamburger.

Nanami took the smartphone from Jo, prompting a yelp from her. She read the screen and shook her head. "How strange, it doesn't give any details about the competition other than it's an open invitation for Martial Artists of all skill levels and styles, and the prize itself." Nanami kept reading. "Oh... further details regarding the tournament will be revealed at sunset in the Nerima Ward."

Hagane sneered. "It's like something out of a fighting game. It must be a scam."

"I don't know, it is a Nerima thing and you know how those folks are." Kyoko tilted her head towards Ryoga. "No offense."

"Some taken," Ryoga replied gamely.

Nanami was still checking it out. "Well it really is legit... all the major outlets are covering, even foreign news networks have people here."

"That depends, who?" Hagane asked.

"CNN..." Nanami replied.

"Semi-legit," Hagane conceded.

"... And the BBC," she finished.

Hagane's eyes widened. "My God, someone's just giving away a billion yen." He looked to Ryoga. "You should enter it!" He then turned to the entire group. "We should enter it!"

Jo blinked. "We? As in all of us?"

"The rules say that entire schools and martial arts organizations are welcomed to take part, with a maximum team of fifty members," Nanami said of the entry rules.

Kyoko hummed. "It's been forever since I used my style against human beings. I kind of miss the thrill, you know?"

Jo grinned. "Me too!"

"Last time I fought another living creature was a bear in Hokkaido, kind of a letdown," Hagane said. "But you see? That's why we should enter! Heck, think of all the advertising we'd get if we won!"

"Precisely! The billion yen to buy more equipment and serve as our off-season reserve fund!" Fire burned in Nanami's eyes as she held up her fist. "Nihon Break Kogyo! As your foreman and CEO, I declare that we shall enter the Billion Yen Grand Prix!"

"Yes!" Jo and Hagane cheered.

"Woo-hoo," Kyoko drably added.

Ryoga frowned. A competition in Nerima would only bring him into conflict with Ranma again, and honestly he wanted nothing more than to avoid it. "Uh... would it be fine if I sat out?"

Jo patted Ryoga on the side. "Nonsense, you're one of us, Ryoga-kun! Wherever there is a challenge, we must be there as a team to break it!"

"The four of us are pretty strong, but when the five of us combine our strength... no building, bridge, or martial arts challenge can withstand our might!" Hagane added.

Kyoko nodded. "Besides, you can take hits better than all of us combined."

Ryoga rubbed the back of his head as he shook it slowly. "... I'm sorry guys... the fight's just not in me anymore, you know? Back when I was fighting... there was one guy I wanted to beat more than anything, I was obsessed with it and only thought of myself beating him."

The group stared at Ryoga intently as he told his story. "I was a terrible person because of it, and it took me losing to him again and again for me to finally get it in my head that I wasn't a martial artist because I wanted to walk that path, but because I just wanted to beat that guy and rub it in his face... and that's no reason to want to be martial artist, you know?"

Hagane nodded sagely. "That's right, kid."

Kyoko let out an impressed hum. "For an aimless kid, you've got some wisdom ahead of your years."

"Well then," Nanami said, "If it means that much to you, you're free to sit out. The rest of us will sign up."

Ryoga's brows rose. "You will?"

"Remember, before you joined we were the 'Four Heavenly Kings of Deconstruction'! Even without your power, that prize is as good as ours! Besides, the exposure will be great for the company," Nanami said before she rested a hand on Ryoga's shoulder. "More to the point, Ryoga-kun. We owe you for allowing us to expand our business so much and turn this company into a real competitor in the heavy demolition industry, so we're all more than willing to fight for your future."

Ryoga blinked. "Me... my future?"

"Yes! You're still high school age, your young wife is still attending classes with your child in her arms-"

Not too far away, Yukari Tanizaki prayed for strength as her student, Ayumu "Osaka" Hibiki (née Kasuga), insisted on breast-feeding her daughter in the middle of English Class.

"You still live with her parents, in fact!" Nanami said. "With that prize money, you could focus on enjoying your job and providing your family's day to day, while the future is ensured!"

She put her arm around Ryoga and swept her arm out before her. "Envision it! You'd be able to put some money aside for your daughter's education..."

Ryoga's eyes widened. "... A p-pre-paid education..."

"You could purchase a car, and a house on land you own!" Nanami continued.

Sparkles appeared before Ryoga's eyes. "... My own land..."

"Most importantly, it would be the perfect start to your retirement fund!"

The sparkles were now in Ryoga's eyes, as he imagined a life where he didn't have to worry about the future, and could retire decades down the road with his loving wife, children, and grandchildren! "It's... it's beautiful..."

Nanami nodded. "We're willing to help make it happen, Ryoga-kun! After all..." She winked and a gleam appeared on her perfect teeth."We're comrades!"

"Yes!" Hagane shouted.

"Yeah! A kid like you should enjoy life!" Jo added.

Kyoko nodded. "Living without a care, always moving forward... that's the Nihon Break Kogyo way, right?"

Tears of gratitude poured down Ryoga's cheeks. "You... you guys...!" He wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt. "I don't deserve comrades like you!"

He hugged Nanami, lifting her off her feet. "You guys have been so kind to me! I can't thank you enough!"

Nanami laughed and returned the hug. "Think nothing of it, rookie!" When Ryoga set her down, she spun around and then pointed fabulously towards the direction of Nerima. "Let's finish our lunch, and then go... to the Nerima Ward!"

"YOU GOT IT, CHIEF!" the others cheered.

They then smelled burning fish. Letting out a yelp, Nanami ran back to the grill. "Oh God, my fish!"

* * *

Her club activities done for the day, Akane waved farewell to the other members of the Kendo Club as she left the gates of the school with her bag over her shoulder. Outside the gate waiting for her was Ranma, sitting on a bicycle he'd taken up using for deliveries after Shampoo graduated to a motorcycle. On seeing him waiting, Akane smiled and jogged over. "Hey, Ranma! Taking a break from delivery?"

"I just got finished with one, yeah," Ranma said as he gestured to the handlebars of the Flying Pigeon that Cologne had gifted him at the start of spring for his exceptional service. Akane hopped up onto the handlebars, and situated herself comfortably before Ranma began pedaling for home. "So, did those idiots give you guys any trouble after I left?"

"No, it's been quiet all day. I think they got the hint and skipped town," Akane said.

Ranma let out a snorting laugh. "Yeah right, those idiots are probably plotting their revenge. Guys dumb enough to come to this town without knowing the pecking order are too dumb to live."

As a matter of fact they were, but that was moot. "How did the club go today?"

Akane sighed. "More of me taking it easy thanks to this." She held up her cast. "I've been thinking a lot about how it broke, and I've got a solution for it."

"What, using a bokken?"

"No, that won't solve my problem. Praying Mantis Glass Cutting is very powerful, but the problem is that it while the edge is sharp my blade itself is easy to break." Akane gestured to her arm for emphasis.

Ranma nodded. "So you want to make your 'swords' stronger so they won't break.

"After the cast comes off, I'm gonna start training with Granny to raise my durability. I don't want to break my arm on a really strong opponent again."

As they reached the Tendo home, Ranma hopped off the street and landed on the wall surrounding the compound. Balancing on the back tire, Ranma hopped again, setting down in the back yard.

"The breaking point, right?" Ranma asked as he thought of Ryoga's unearthly resistance to damage.

"In my head I have a fighting style envisioned. One where not just my fingers, but my hands, arms... my entire body is a sword. I wouldn't need a sword, because I'd be able to cut through one with my bare hand." Akane raised her uninjured hand and clenched it into a fist with that.

Ranma whistled before he climbed off the bike. "That sounds ridiculously awesome." When she suddenly hugged him, he let out a hum of surprise. "Akane?"

"It's all because of you, you know," she said as she nuzzled his neck. "I keep getting stronger and better as a martial artist, so much that it scares me when I think about how powerful I've become in just a year."

She lifted her gaze to his face, smiling. "I'm making the most of my potential thanks to you."

Ranma smiled back to her and returned her embrace. "Yeah, you're gonna be the strongest woman in the world."

Akane giggled. "After you?"

He lightly bopped her atop her head. "Hey."

"Ow!" she yelped cutely before she gave him an amorous look and kissed him.

The tender moment was interrupted by Genma kicking Ranma and launching him into the pond, sending a geyser of water shooting from it. Folding his arms, Genma shook his head disapprovingly. "Exactly as I suspected, you're getting sof-"

Akane furiously kicked him in the chin, jumped over him as he accelerated upward, grabbed him by the face, and slammed him head first through the large rock by the pond, splitting it in half. "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM NOW, PANDA BASTARD?!"

Ranma, leaning against the edge on the pond, regarded her father with annoyance. "Yeah Pop, what _is_ your problem?"

Getting up, Genma shook his head as he tried to regain his motor controls. "My problem, Ranma... is that lately you've been lacking in motivation!"

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Motivation?"

"I'm saying... that you are having it far too easy, boy, and your growth as a martial artist is suffering for it!" Genma declared.

Ranma climbed out of the pond and whipped off her shirt to wring it out. "Too easy? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

Genma's eyes narrowed. "Oh is that a fact? When was the last fight that you and you alone won decisively?"

"When I kicked the shit out of Ryoga," Ranma immediately replied.

Genma turned away from Ranma, his nose turned up despite the blood pouring down his head from Akane's attack. "It is as I thought! Boy, you're not putting in any effort into the art!"

"I'd argue that the beating I took in figuring out Ryoga's little secret qualifies as effort," Ranma replied.

"I'd argue the irony of your Dad talking about effort," Akane noted.

"Since then, you've been coming up short. Sure, your little Love Love Kamehameha is flashy and cool, but that's not done much about the thrashings you've been getting lately!" Genma snapped at his son-currently-daughter.

Okay, what was this silly shit coming out of his Father's soon to be fist-filled maw? "Pardon me, but when have I been getting thrashed?"

"Both times you fought Pantyhose Taro!" Genma responded.

Ranma laughed at that. Briefly. "Okay, setting the record straight on that, except for when he poisoned me, there was not a time that Pantyhose Taro was anywhere _near_ beating me. Even then? The poison would've worn off fast and I would have _destroyed_ that fucker. That said, Shampoo and Kuno both had priority to that guy's ass on a silver platter, because that shit was more _your_ problem to start!"

"_My_ problem? How dare you insult me like that? How was I supposed to know of all the Master's dirty laundry? If you had not been there, I would've gladly handled it myself."

"But of course, I was there. So when Pantyhose got all pissy, you were quick to disappear," Ranma pointed out.

"Can I kill him?" Akane asked as she brandished her non-cast hand.

"You should be grateful I gave you such a strong opponent... that you squandered and handed off to your friends."

Ranma would be glad to give the order for Akane to go to town, but she'd rather do it herself. "There was nothing strong about Pantyboy except for his body odor! He was a bitch with a chip on his shoulder and got ruined forever by two people I could beat at the same time one-handed!"

A gleam shone in Genma's eyes, prompting his glasses to go opaque. "You sound so confident in that strength of yours, boy. How about proving to your old man that I'm full of shit?!"

"What, fighting you? Nabiki could probably beat you in a straight fight just with all the stuff she picked up watching me and Akane!" Ranma retorted.

"No, entering that Grand Prix!" Genma snapped back.

Ranma frowned deep and hard. "No."

"Don't think you can cut it?" Genma taunted.

Ranma folded her arms and turned away from him. "Oh, I can cut it. I can dissect it. I could go out there into town and beat every person who signed up right now, and be declared winner by default the moment it actually started. But that's the thing, it'd be too easy."

Genma nodded slowly. "Is that what you think?"

"Pretty much what I know. Besides, what would I do with that much money anyway... aside from give it to you?" Because really, that's all Genma wanted and seeing through that was no problem for her.

Genma grew smug. "Well then, boy, prove it. Go down and sign up or we'll go down and do it for you."

Akane looked to Ranma. "Let's burn the dojo down with our fathers locked inside."

Ranma nodded. "Sounds like a deal."

At that moment, there was a horrible shriek from inside the house. Ranma and Akane turned to see Kasumi run out of the house, a horrified look on her face. "Ew! Ew! Ew!"

"Kasumi, what is it?" Akane asked as Ranma prepared to savagely attack whatever it was (as long as it wasn't some manner of cat). Both stopped and recoiled in disgust, however, when Old Man Daikoku emerged from the house, wearing his blue suit and that god-awful red beret.

"Ah, sorry, I let myself in again," Daikoku said cheerfully.

"Oh man, not you again. What do you want?" Ranma demanded.

The only reason Ranma and Akane weren't viciously murdering the man (besides the fact that they did not want to come in physical contact with his fashion sense) was honestly because after their last encounter he hadn't personally messed with them or had any overt ties to Kaori's efforts at messing with them. He was a semi-reasonable guy, if completely oblivious to his daughter's feelings. Much like their fathers really in the latter regard.

"I've come in regards to my daughter, and the engagement," Daikoku said as he took a seat on the patio. "It's been over six months now since we last spoke on the arrangement and seeing as there's no dialogue I wanted to open a new one."

Ranma laughed. "Oh yeah, because I am interested in marrying a woman who wants to kill me outside of in her sleep."

Akane flushed in embarrassment and slapped him in his side.

Daikoku nodded somberly. "If you mean Kaori's vendetta, well... I wasn't made aware of it until recently. When I found some curious expenses of hers in the allowance I've given her."

"What kind of expenses?" Akane asked.

"She's been doing a lot of extensive investigation into both your families, and going on lengthy trips to various places, looking for individuals related to you. Just last week she went off to Israel, and it was budgeted much in the same manner."

Ranma looked to Genma. "So who'd you piss off in Israel, Pop? Hamas? Hezbollah? The Mossad?"

Genma immediately shook his head. "You think I'm stupid enough to get involved with those kinds of people? What do you think this is, bad fanfiction?!"

Ranma gestured to his eyes, and then pointed at Genma, before returning his attention to Daikoku. "Okay, old man. So you know about Kaori's hate-on for us, how does that change the engagement?"

"Well, it means that obviously you can't get married." It was easily the second greatest thing anyone had ever said to Ranma, right after Akane asking him to let Yuka join them for a threesome because it was Yuka's birthday and she "wanted to experiment".

So of course, he broke into euphoric cheers. "YES! YES! I'M OFF THE HOOK! WOO-HOO! SHE HAS NO REASON TO WANT TO KILL ME ANYMORE! AW YEAH!"

The word "but", however, carried a tremendous weight whenever the greatest things ever told were told. And much like Akane's caveat being that Ranma had to be a girl for their "experiment" with Yuka, Daikoku's use of the word drained all of Ranma's initial excitement.

"But... there's still the matter of resolving the debt owed."

Ranma was next to inanimate now, a blank look on his face. "What do you want instead."

"Something of equal value, of course. The reason I agreed to Genma's deal was because he promised you to Kaori, so that you could produce an heir worthy to carry on our school. Thus, I will ask for that from you."

Ranma gave him a sidelong look. "What do you mean by that?"

Daikoku did not mince words. "I want you to sire a child with Kaori."

The muscles in Ranma's jaw relaxed and his mouth just hung there, open, as he stared at the man in disbelief. Kasumi let out a gasp, while Genma's eyes bugged out enough to push his spectacles off.

Akane let out a loud, sardonic laugh. "Oh! This is a much better solution! Instead of marrying a crazy bitch, he wants you to stick your dick into a crazy bitch and expect her to have your child! That is the perfect solution to everyone's problems and there is nothing wrong with that AT ALL!"

It was Daikoku's turn to give a flat stare at the borderline hyperventilating-with-rage Akane. "Alternatively, you can provide a monetary compensation and you would never have to hear from us again for the rest of natural life's existence on Earth."

Akane smiled brightly. "Of course, how much?"

Daikoku cleared his throat. "You would have to simply compensate for Kaori's bride grooming expenses over the last ten years, and expenses regarding arrangements for and after the wedding, which totals out to exactly eight hundred-ninety million yen."

Akane dimmed much like Ranma. "Oh."

"Why is nothing ever easy?" Ranma asked.

"Hard times help you appreciate them better when they're easy," Kasumi suggested.

Akane rolled her eyes. "That's bullshit."

Kasumi nodded assent. "No one ever said it wasn't."

"So, my options are to either somehow pony up near nine hundred million yen, or have sex with your daughter until she's pregnant," Ranma said. "Either way, you'll get what you want, and we'll never see any of you people ever again, even in the unlikely event that we wanted to?

"Yes," Daikoku replied.

Ranma looked to Akane. "We have to win that tournament."

Akane nodded. "Let's go sign up now."

Ranma grabbed Genma by his collar. "Where do we go to sign up, Pops?"

A distant hum, gradually growing in volume throughout the discussion, became a loud droning buzz that could not be ignored. The window-rattling sound caused everyone in the yard to search for the source.

"What the hell... is..." Ranma and Akane grew wide-eyed, as they both stared up at the sky as a shadow fell over the Tendo Dojo.

All over Nerima, residents and visitors alike turned their eyes to the sky, as a gigantic, all-white painted Zeppelin-like airship entered the airspace over Nerima, escorted by several helicopters. It had to be thousands of feet long, bigger than four Hindenburgs and big enough to carry an entire city within its gondolas.

"Whoa..." Ranma and Akane said together,

"My goodness," Daikoku said, "That's the _Ars Poetica_..."

Ranma looked to him. "The what?"

Daikoku provided a little exposition. "It's the first Zeppelin in over seventy years, a flying palace for the wealthiest of the wealthy. Someone must've acquired it for the Grand Prix." As he spoke, the racket drew Nabiki and Soun out to the backyard.

"Sheesh, you hear it too? What is..." Nabiki had enough sense in her to not drop her phone as she looked up at the. "Oh my fuck-"

"-ing God," Shampoo said on the other end of the line as she looked up at the airship from the front doors of the Cat Café. Alongside her, Cologne let out a hum at this ominous arrival.

At a nearby park, where many of the competitors were already gathering for last-minute sign-ups, the team of Nihon Break Kogyo stared up with the rest of the amazed crowds. As its massive engines began to turn in reverse to slow it, brightly colored messages began to appear on the sides and belly of the craft, welcoming all competitors and spectators to the Billion Yen Grand Prix.

"Amazing..." Ryoga said in awe of the ship.

"And 'lo someone said 'Seto Kaiba is small time'," Kyoko lamented.

Hagane chuckled. "Showing up in something like that, these guys are definitely showing off how rich they are."

"That's basically a giant flying dick, just like the owner," Kyoko snorted.

"You should never judge how a person compensates for their shortcomings," Nanami admonished.

"I'm not judging, I'm making an observation. And I observe this guy must have the tiniest penis _ever."_

"Well if it's an observation, I'm not going to argue on that," Nanami said with a smirk.

As the helicopters turned away and ascended to a much higher altitude to lessen their noise, the crew aboard the massive airship's cruise ship-sized gondola got to work. In one room, a large High Definition monitor came to life before dozens of technicians, displaying a map of Nerima and a boundary laid around its limits. Numerous green markers then appeared on the map, displaying the dozens upon dozens of competitors for the contest.

In another portion of the ship, members of the media, reporters, cameramen, and other representatives were quickly briefed by the professionally uniformed and polite crew of the ship, as they explained the coming events.

At the very fore of the gondola was the theater-like observation deck, massive its panoramic windows covered with tall black curtains. In the pitch darkness a solitary figure sat on a giant throne, a hand over its face. Leaning forward, the figure clutched at its face tightly with the hand over it... before tilting its head back and resting against the back of the throne.

A single spotlight came on, revealing a woman dressed professionally, like a lawyer or a business woman, except for the large stone column as long as she was tall slung on her back by a heavy strap. In one hand, she held a tablet, and in the other a stylus.

"The target number of entrants has been reached, right on schedule and we are due to begin the competition. Are you sure you do not wish to take a part in the opening ceremony?"

"I am. I leave it to you."

The woman nodded. "Very well, we shall begin shortly."

The figure lowered its hand, and grinned broadly.

* * *

Arriving at the park close to sunset, the Saotomes and Tendos looked around the the park, and found it transformed into a festival-like setup. There were booths and kiosks offering food, drinks, and of course advertising dojos from all over the world. There were also martial artists everywhere, from ninjas to boxers to sumo wrestlers. In every open space, martial artists were either demonstrating feats of incredible strength, like wrecking a luxury sedan with their bare hands, or having practice matches that involved afterimage-inducing feats of speed.

Ranma had to admit... he was a little impressed. "Huh, neat." It didn't improve his mood though. "All right, where do we sign up?"

Kasumi looked around and then pointed. "The kiosk over there."

Nabiki was giving a passing look towards an especially unkempt vagrant's tent advertising itself as the "Kashao School of Martial Arts", and just shrugged her shoulders. "Just about everyone's come around for a shot at a billion, huh?"

"It's the kind of wacky shit I wanted to avoid, I mean... do you see that?" Ranma gestured towards a group of Cheerleaders performing a routine that looked almost like a group kata if one squinted.

Akane frowned as she watched one particularly spirited group of martial artists demonstrate lifting barrels full of water while straining at the task. "Most of these people are on Bull's level, we'll probably kill them."

"Come on! It's a billion yen, guys, an easy win!" a blonde-haired girl with her hair done up in bunches wailed as she was carried off to the park exit by a very tall brown-haired girl with a ponytail. With them was a priestess with long black hair, a blue-haired girl, and another blonde girl who had an especially large Highland Claymore strapped to her back.

"For God's sake, Usagi, no!" The ponytailed girl snapped back.

As the Tendo and Saotomes reached the main registration kiosk, the crowd hanging around the counters was even more ridiculous. Most looked far too serious for their own good, standing around trying to look intimidating and give off a presence of unbelievable badassitude. Some were trying far too hard, with a particularly large dude easily eight feet tall and covered in muscles and scars giving Ranma a particularly evil eye. Ranma had already determined 934 different means of incapacitating him non-lethally.

"Look at these dregs of humanity," Nabiki said as several more individuals gave the Tendo sisters leery looks. "What do you suppose is the ratio to idiots and actual martial artists?"

"About a thousand to one, and that's being generous," Ranma replied.

"This is exactly why we wanted no part in this," Akane lamented.

At the front of one of the many winding sign-up lines, a pair of late-comers, a man and woman, were stuck behind one of those idiot hero archetypes slowly making his way through the forms, and in front of a morbidly obese man drooling over the miniskirt-wearing young woman's shapely legs and fine behind. Grinning, the profusely large man reached down with a fat hand, and smacked the woman's backside, eliciting a startled yelp from her.

"How rude!" she yelled at the man. "And how ugly! Go away!"

Akane heard the shout, and looked over. "Wait, was that...?"

The large man grinned down at an indignant Azusa Shiratori, who folded her arms over her chest. "Keep your hands to yourself, or I'll beat you up!"

Lecherously grinning, the man rested a hand on Asuza's shoulder. "Don't be like that, ain't it like saying hello in this country? How about I make it up to you by teaming up with you for the tournament? A frail little thing like you wouldn't last very long in this kind of game."

The man was immediately rapped on the knuckles by a cane, and he recoiled in pain.

"Funny, I could say the same for you," Mikado Sanzenin said as Akane finally caught sight of them.

"Hey, Ranma look... it's the Golden Pair."

Twirling his cane, Mikado set it down and leaned on it as he looked up at the large man. "Apologize, my girlfriend doesn't like when filthy people touch her."

The man, resting his hands on his stomach let out a jolly laugh. "My apologies. You and your lovely woman are so cute together. I would hate to upset you further."

He kicked Mikado's cane from under him, causing him to wince and growl in pain as he stumbled on his feet. "Oops."

Ranma frowned as he watched this. "Are you telling me he's still recovering from his injuries?"

"You did fuck him up pretty badly," Akane pointed out.

When Mikado gave him a glare and reached for his cane, the man kicked it further away. "Better go get it."

Mikado, his legs shaking slightly where he stood, took a deep breath. "It's my turn to apologize, seeing as you won't be able to compete now."

The jerk recoiled as Mikado grabbed his arm. "What?"

Suddenly both of them were a blur, the man's scream becoming lost in the whirlwind that blew up around them. The swirling wind knocked others waiting in the line or caught them up in powerful winds, except for Azusa, who went over to get Mikado's cane and noticed Ranma and the others.

"Akane! Ranma Saotome!" she said cheerfully. "Mika-chan's ended his therapy early!"

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Is that a good idea? He was looking pretty bad on his feet without his cane."

Azusa waved it off. "Oh, that's fine. It's not nearly as bad as when he first started walking, he can manage small stuff like this."

The whirlwind ceased and would-be competitors fell to the ground around where Mikado stood posed like an elegant flamenco dancer. "Again, my many apologies. If I win this tournament, I'll settle your medical bills."

The large man fell to the ground behind Mikado head-first, becoming embedded in it up to his waist.

"Good to see that you guys are still monsters, I guess," Ranma said as Azusa hurried to Mikado and handed him his cane.

Taking it and sighing in relief when he could put his weight on it, Mikado looked to Ranma and smiled. "Ranma, it's finally good to see you once again."

"Uh... thanks, you too." Ranma said as he looked around the mowed down crowd. "You've improved your technique."

"Well, Martial Arts Figure Skating is very limited, and with it being banned anyway I decided to apply my style outside of the ice rink and incorporate it into my therapy. As you saw, the results have been more than satisfactory," Mikado said as he and Asuza stepped up to the counter, as the man behind it welcomed them and handed them their forms. "Are you guys just signing up now?"

"Yeah," Ranma said. "Not that we wanted to."

Mikado was surprised. "You weren't going to participate?"

Akane glared back at her father, who was standing aside with Genma, Nabiki, and Kasumi. "We were going to sit it out, but circumstances beyond our financial control mean we have to participate."

"Is that the case? Then, I propose we team up." Mikado said.

It was Ranma and Akane's turn to be surprised. "Team up?"

Mikado nodded. "Under the rules, a team can have up to fifty members. If you must win the contest because you _need_ the money, than Azusa and I will be glad to participate alongside you rather than opposing you."

"That's right, we owe you after all!" Azusa said cheerfully.

Akane smiled and hugged Azusa. "Thank you! This means a lot to us!"

Ranma was certainly impressed, Mikado had certainly changed, his air of arrogance and buffoonery was nonexistent. He was actually carrying on like a human being rather than some rage-eating revenge monkey. "Yeah," he said, "This really means a lot."

Akane looked over from Azusa, who was still cuddling her. "Hey, if we can have a whole team, then maybe we should-"

"Way ahead of you," Nabiki said as she gestured to Shampoo, and the siblings Kuno.

"And like that, we all get pulled into this silly display," Kuno said with a bit of a smile.

Kodachi bristled briefly as she saw Azusa hugging Akane, but put it aside. "We are students of the School of Indiscriminate Grappling, are we not? I am honored to take part in this battle, Akane-sama, Ranma-sama."

"I knew this is going to happen, but if it means having some fun during this whole thing, then I have no complaints." Shampoo's definition of fun was definitely going to come in handy.

Ranma nodded. "All right, let's sign up and get this stupid debt cleared once and for all."

Akane let go of Azusa and hugged Ranma. "Yeah!"

He stepped up to the kiosk, and spoke to the man behind the counter, "I'm Ranma Saotome and I would like to sign up the School of Indiscriminate Grappling for the Billion Yen Grand Prix."

The young man behind the counter nodded, and handed Ranma a tablet PC. "Fill out the digital form and press send, and we'll get you in."

As Ranma began filling out the form enrolling the School of Indiscriminate Grappling into the Grand Prix, sun's rays began to recede across the skyline to the west, the brightly flashing messages on the airship began to flash brighter, the words "GET READY" suddenly flashing all over the length of its body as a timer began to count down from ten.

"What could be happening now?" Kasumi asked.

Akane looked up as Ranma finished the form, and hit the send button, confirming their membership. "I guess this show's finally about to start."

High powered spotlights, shining from the high flying helicopters, suddenly illuminated the twilight sky and converged upon the top of the Airship. The counter reached zero and disappeared, and the marquee display was then replaced with a shot of the top of the airship. Standing there, at the center of the lights was a beautiful young woman in a very short, sleeveless white dress, and black thigh-high stockings. Her long black hair blowing in the breeze, the woman winked and then turned around before holding out her arms.

"Gentlemen! Start your engines! This is, the Billion Yen Grand Prix!" Idol singer and the official spokesperson/mascot of the Billion Yen Grand Prix, Kira Takemikazuchi, declared brightly to the spectators below as her words appeared stylishly over her image on the sides of the Zeppelin.

In another part of the park, Ryoga blushed at the sight of the attractive young woman. "Who is that? Is she the one in charge of this?"

"That's Kira Takemikazuchi," Kyoko said. "The World's Strongest Idol."

Ryoga looked over to his usually dour associate. "The World's Strongest...?"

"She's only a few years older than you, but she lives up to her name, she's the sort of girl you'd never expect to have a demon's strength." Nanami smirked. "Before Kyoko came to work with us, she and Kira worked at the same talent agency. They were friendly rivals."

Ryoga raised an eyebrow in surprise. "You used to be an idol, Kyoko?"

"She was a second rate race car girl," Jo teased, prompting Kyoko to bop her on the head. "Ow!"

"I was more than a race car girl, I was the greatest race car girl! The Goddess of Race Car Girls!" Kyoko was uncharacteristically emotive with that.

Jo then quipped, "But then the scandal happened and she had to quit the company."

"It was truly my darkest day," Kyoko said, before she grabbed Jo and began grinding her fist into her hair. "THAT YOU SHOULD NOT TELL THE NEWBIE ABOUT!"

Well now Ryoga was plain ol' curious about the story about that. Back atop the _Ars Poetica_, Kira held her hand high. "The Billion Yen Grand Prix is a King of the Hill Single Elimination Tournament!"

The crowd below was a little confused.

"King of the Hill?" Ranma asked.

"How is that supposed to work?" Ryoga asked his coworkers, who were similarly confused.

Fortunately, Kira was more than happy to explain the concept, as a graphic appeared, showing a line of smiley faces, representing the competitors of the tournament. Kira grinned as her face appeared in the top corner of the graphic, pointing to the front of the line. A crown appeared over the face at the front of the line. "In the Grand Prix a competitor is chosen as the 'King' and the goal of all the other competitors is to defeat the King!"

The other smiley faces then became angry faces, and began moving towards the King, with the angry faces jumping over one-another to get a closer shot at the King. "While other competitors may battle one-another to gain a better position to face the King, only the King can eliminate Competitors from the tournament." To demonstrate, the King grinned evilly, as one by one, the oncoming competitors were crossed out and vanished.

"However, once a competitor defeats a King..." A competitor reached the King, and the King became a sad face before vanishing. The victorious competitor became the new King. "The competitor becomes the new King and the contest continues until finally... the last man standing wins!" The other faces vanished, leaving the King smiley face sitting atop a pile of x-eyed faces.

"That's crazy," Akane said.

Ranma folded his arms. "Sounds interesting, it means we can avoid the worst of the stupidity until the end."

"It's still weird, don't you think?" Tatewaki asked.

Across the park, Nanami frowned. "What a peculiar way to run this tournament."

Hagane nodded assent. "With this many competitors, a traditional tournament setup would be faster and less stressful on any individual fighter or team."

"Whoever's the first King is going to have to fight everyone if they want to win, it's a guaranteed loss," Ryoga realized.

"Unless they're strong enough," Kyoko pointed out.

Nanami nodded. "That's right."

Ryoga frowned. "Then... who's going to go first?"

"Now then!" Kira said, as sparkles gleamed around her. "The rules of the Billion Grand Prix are simple! Competitors cannot leave the Tokyo Metropolitan Area, and there is no killing."

Silence ensued, as if the crowd below was waiting for more. Kira then grinned. "And those are the only rules!"

Ranma frowned. "Wait... that's it? We can't kill or skip town?"

Akane grimaced. "This is gonna be one of those tournaments, isn't it?"

"Beyond that, do whatever you have to do to win! Remember, it's One Billion Yen on the line! Yay!" Kira cheered as she hopped up and down waving her arms like a cheerleader. Ceasing her hopping around, Kira winked to the cameras. "And now... it's time to choose the King!"

The display of the _Ars Poetica_ switched to a rapidly cycling display of every team and individual competitor in the competition. On the ground below, the thought of being the first King was met with both fear and bravado. While some openly welcomed the challenge and many more immediately began hoping to not be chosen, everyone had the same thought: whoever was chosen was doomed.

"And the very first competitor, the King of the Billion Yen Grand Prix's hill is...!" Kira trailed off as the cycling names slowed down. It then finally stopped... on Nihon Break Kogyo.

"Oh boy," Ryoga said.

Hagane grinned. "Yes, looks like we're going to run the greatest gauntlet of all!"

Within the airship, the shadowy figure atop its throne stared at the screen before it, its bloodshot eyes widening as a low, wheeze like laugh escaped its throat. The display flickered, and displayed the very next name.

Kira read the name and listened to a message in the headset she wore, before she pointed down at the park, as the helicopter's spotlights quickly swept over to where her finger was pointed.

"THE SAOTOME/TENDO SCHOOL OF INDISCRIMINATE GRAPPLING!"

"You're kidding me, right out of the gate?!" Ranma yelled as he, Akane, and their team fell under the spotlight.

"I knew it, I fucking knew it!" Akane groaned.

They suddenly felt many, many eyes on them, and looked around to see almost all of the other martial artists staring at them, with the unmistakable of hunger of ambition, delusions of wealth, and a desire to test their strength.

Across the park, Ryoga shook his head. "Those poor bastards."

"Friends of yours?" Hagane asked.

Ryoga slowly shook his head. "Not really, but they don't stand a chance."

Jo grinned. "Then let's get them out of the way!"

Nanami held her hand out, stopping her. "He wasn't talking about our new King, were you Ryoga-kun?"

Ryoga nodded. "If there's anyone who's going to win this tournament, it's probably them."

"We need to get out of here," Akane said.

Ranma nodded. "Yeah."

Nabiki looked to Shampoo. "Would you mind, hon?"

Shampoo was already twirling a drum-fed grenade launcher before pointing it at the crowds. "Done."

She opened fire with the weapon, launching smoke grenades that quickly obscured the School of Indiscriminate Grappling. When the smoke cleared, the entire team, members new and old, were gone.

Up on the airship, Kira was surprised. "Oh! It looks like our Kings are shy! Well no matter, from this moment on... the whole city of Tokyo is a battlefield! Everyone get out there and FIGHT FOR YOUR PRIZE!"

Launchers mounted along the sides of the Ars Poetica opened, and began spewing countless salvoes of fireworks that showered out above and to the sides of the Zeppelin, filling the sky with thousands of brilliant and colorful explosions.

The Billion Yen Grand Prix was on!

* * *

As the sky lit up with fireworks, Ranma, Akane, Nabiki and Kasumi bolted for home. Right behind them were the Kunos, Shampoo, and Azusa carrying Mikado. They had abandoned Soun and Genma, leaving them behind to take whatever beating they were sure to get at the hands of the crowd, which meant little in the contest scheme of things.

"You didn't put them down as members of our team?" Akane asked.

"Hell no, if anyone's winning that money and keeping any that we have after paying off the Kaori debt, it's us!" Ranma replied.

Shampoo moved up to the front of the pack. "Kaori debt? What that bitch want now?"

"If we want Kaori off our backs forever, we have to pony up eight hundred-ninety million yen," Akane quickly explained.

Tatewaki nodded. "I see, so that's why you changed your mind about competing."

Kodachi was a bit confused. "Is that all? We could easily cover that for you, Ranma-sama."

"No way! We're clearing all our debts, and we're not taking on new ones to do it. My old man-"

"And mine!" Akane added.

"-Got us into this mess by promising these idiots the moon and stars and doing nothing about it until they came to collect! We're not cleaning up their messes anymore after this!" Ranma declared angrily.

As the Tendo Dojo came within sight, the group found a large crowd gathered around the wall, and the streets leading to it blocked with heavily modded street racers and vans. Like the gang that showed up this morning, it was a crowd of wannabes dressed like amateur rappers and brandishing all manner of weapon. Some were trying to climb the wall, others were clearly within the wall and inside the house–the sound of smashing glass and other havoc could be heard going on. Some were on the roofs of the house and dojo, tearing into the shingles with various implements

The jogged to a halt, Kasumi covering her mouth in horror as these people ransacked their house. "Oh my God."

"Those monkeys are in our house," Nabiki said in a voice trembling with rage.

"It's as if everyone on Earth wants to DIE!" Akane screamed.

Standing on the roof of one of a particularly modded van painted in pastels and with cute anime girls on the sides and back, one of the gang members, a particularly buff-looking dude wearing a red bandana on his head and a blue handkerchief hanging out his right back pocket spotted the group and pointed at them. "Ohhh! Yo! They here!"

Word spread through the mob, and soon the Tendo home was quickly abandoned as a crowd over two hundred strong swelled into the street between it and its residents shouting "Yo" and dancing and posing like they were wannabe martial artists or street dancers. At the front of the crowd, the bloody crip pulled out a poorly kept katana and pointed it at Ranma. "Ayo! We be the Raging Bulls of Kyushu First Battalion! Only a fraction of our boss's true power! You put our boss in the hospital, and we gonna put you in the morgue!"

Ranma ran his fingers through his hair, and groaned as he drummed his fingers on the back of his neck. "You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker."

"What was that? You want a war man? We only two hundred! Our boss has two thousand men ready to die for him in an instant! How many people you got?" Bloody Crip demanded as the others hooted and hollered like he'd just said something cool.

Ranma counted the group, and subtracted Kasumi and Nabiki. "Seven."

"You think seven of you are gonna beat two thousand of us?" The clearly ignorant of American gang culture hoodlum asked as his crew laughed.

Ranma let his hand drop from his neck. "One of us could beat two thousand of you. The way I see it, you've only got one thing on us, homeboy."

"Yeah, what?" Bloody Crip asked before Akane was suddenly in front of him, her eyes gleaming red as she drew her fist back.

"YOU. ARE. BETTER. AT. _DYING_." With that, Akane delivered an uppercut that launched him out of his socks, shoes, and pants and sent him rocketing into the sky.

The other gang members stared in disbelief at Akane as she lowered her fist and stared down at them, her eyes glowing a threatening red before a blur shot into the air above her. In mid-air Kuno raised his bokken over his head and swung downward, the massive wave of air pressure hitting the ground like a bomb and sending bodies and cars alike flying every which way.

"You idiots," Ranma lamented.

Akane hopped off the roof of the van and into the middle of a group of the punks. One immediately pointed at her. "Attack her all at once, there's no way she can get all of us!"

One industrious attacker swung a baseball bat at Akane, and the weapon was sliced to pieces with just a swipe of her hand. "Huh?"

Akane immediately grabbed him and used his face as shield from another punk's iron pipe. As the pipe wielder tried to yelp an apology, Akane appeared behind them both and walked away while blood sprayed from narrow cuts on the face, chest, and back of both men. She spun around the sloppy sword slash of another hoodlum and elbowed him in the back, sending him flying knocking and over three other people before his body crashed into the side another car and flipped it over.

From different directions charged ten guys, all armed with machetes, bats, and even a scythe. Kodachi landed in front of Akane and met their charge, armed with only a ribbon. In a flash, soon all they saw was a rapidly swirling ribbon that sliced through their weapons like a knife through butter and sent them hurtling back on impact.

"Rejoice, vermin! This is the closest to Heaven you shall ever experience!" Kodachi declared madly.

Ranma rolled his eyes as he watched bodies fly over cars, into other attackers, and crash through the wall of the Tendo compound to the tune of Kodachi's demented laugh. "This is embarrassing."

Some of the Raging Bulls, the smart ones, were getting the hint and running for their lives away from Akane and the Kunos... only to find Shampoo blocking their only escape route, armed with her chúi. "Oh no, none of you are walking away from this."

Screaming in a panic, the guy leading the retreat swung a sledgehammer straight into the side of her head with all of his adrenaline fueled might. The wooden handle of the sledgehammer snapped from the impact, and Shampoo just smiled at him as the sledgehammer's head fell harmlessly to the ground.

"No sell."

She cheerfully crushed him into the street under one of her chúi, leaving him face down at the bottom of a crater. She then charged the other cowards, viciously striking them with both hammers, breaking limbs, or simply leaving them in more holes in the pavement.

"Monsters! They're all monsters!" one who managed to get away from Shampoo screamed before Akane grabbed him by his neck and smashed him into and through the concrete wall that surrounded their house.

"How cruel!" Azusa said in amazement of the violence.

Mikado looked to Ranma. "Going to join in?"

"Nope," Ranma said. "Anything more than this would be murder."

"This isn't murder!" Akane shouted as she flipped a car end over end, sending it landing on another fleeing punk. "This is _pest control_!"

"She has a point," a much less yet still enraged Nabiki said. "Filth like this off the streets is good for everyone."

It took only a few more minutes, but it was over. With several mighty swings of his bokken, Kuno struck down the last of the punks, the last one falling among the scores savagely beaten by the School of Indiscriminate Grappling. Walking among the piles of beaten wannabe gangsters, punks, and thugs, Ranma looked around in disappointment as a fretting Kasumi headed into the house with Nabiki to survey the damage done by the mob. Those who weren't unconscious were immobilized by their injuries, but none of them were dead. Had they not torn up their house, he'd feel sorry for these idiots.

"What a pain." He reached out and caught the mix-matched flag wearer by his leg before he hit the ground headfirst. "So, why the Hell?"

Bloody Crip, or Bloody this time because his blue flag was still in his pants which were... somewhere, stared at the ground he'd nearly been splattered all over. "W-why...?"

Ranma clarified. "Why did you idiots come here? This ain't some playground fist-fight or MMA or Pro-Wrestling. This is _Nerima_, dude. In _Tokyo_. Anybody with an internet connection or their ear to the fucking ground in Tokyo knows better."

The wannabe let out a sob, as tears began to drip onto the ground. "O-our Boss, Bull, he took over all of Kyushu's gangs with his incredible strength. None of us could even touch him, no matter what we did. He has a dream, you know? He's gonna take over all of Japan's gangs with his moves-"

"Don't care." Ranma hit him against the ground, knocking him out, before throwing him onto a pile of punks.

Akane walked over. "What was he going on about?"

"That Bull guy learned some special move that helped him beat a bunch of idiots and he used it to make himself an army. Guess he thought his sauce was hot enough to pour on Tokyo," Ranma replied.

Akane folded her arms. "Remind me to find what hospital he's staying at and kill him."

"He's not even worth it, we have bigger problems." Ranma turned to Akane and the rest of the team. "Like how we're gonna get the house fixed up while dealing with all of these people coming after us."

Shampoo, Kuno, Akane, and Kodachi all replied by suddenly assuming fighting stances. Ranma took a step back. "W-what?"

He bumped against someone, and then whirled around to find a tall woman dressed smartly in a business suit... the stone pillar she carried on her back kind of clashed with the ensemble, however. "Hello and good evening. I am Lucretia Piera, I am your liaison and assistant for the duration of your run as King of the Grand Prix."

Ranma stepped back to her and bowed, put off by her noted lack of presence. S_he's kind of like Tofu, and what's with that pillar?_ "Okay, so you're here to help."

"Correct, given the nature of the tournament, you will need assistance in matters not pertaining to maintaining your position, so that you may concentrate your efforts in competing." She handed him a phone. "You will use this to contact myself or any staff member you need; is there anything we can assist you with now?"

Ranma looked around at all the beaten up punks, then back at the house. "These idiots trashed our house, could you... clean it up?"

Lucretia nodded. "Of course."

A military transport helicopter, painted white like the airship overhead, came to a hover over the dojo. And men and women in white overalls and caps descended onto the house, armed with trash bags, cleaning implements, tools, and building materials.

"Ranma, I feel funny," Akane said as the cleanup crew began to quickly tidy up the house and repair the damages. "Something weird is happening, and I'm not angry."

"I think it's because for once something weird is happening that isn't trying to screw us over," Ranma replied.

Akane wasn't so sure about that. She looked to Lucretia. "Is this going to cost anything?"

"It is the King's Privilege. All services are gratis," Lucretia replied.

Akane hugged Ranma. "This is really happening! I'm actually happy!"

Ranma hugged Akane back and then returned his attention to Lucretia. "So, how many people have signed up for the competition?"

"There are exactly one hundred and fifty one teams signed up for the Billion Yen Grand Prix, including yours," Lucretia replied. "As per the rules, they will challenge you to defeat you."

"And how is a team eliminated?" Akane asked

"If the team's leader is defeated, then that team is eliminated."

Akane grimaced. "We have to fight that many people, huh? Nothing is easy at all huh?"

Ranma nodded slowly. "Do they have to challenge us, or can we go after the challengers?"

"How you approach the challenge is your prerogative. There are no rules but the two you were told." Lucretia smiled some at that.

"Hey, Nabiki, can I borrow your phone for a second?"

Nabiki tossed her phone to him. "Yo."

Ranma fiddled with the phone as he reached down to one of the face of one of the beat down hoodlums. Music suddenly began to play from the phone. "You guys, this tournament really is gonna be cake."

Shampoo, Tatewaki, Kodachi, Mikado, and Azusa gathered around. "You're confident, I like that," Mikado said.

"Why wouldn't we?" Shampoo asked.

Ranma stood back up and flicked open a pair of sunglasses. "Yeah, a hundred and fifty teams are all we have to put up with? It'll be easy, we just..."

He put on the sunglasses. "... Gotta beat 'em all."

"_YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"_ Nabiki's phone screamed.

* * *

On the observation deck of the _Ars Poetica_, as the repairs carried on the Tendo Dojo below, the figure on its throne stared at the screen projected in front of its throne, clutching at its face with one hand. On the screen showed images and statistics of the School of Indiscriminate Grappling team members. Beside his throne, his assistant adjusted her glasses.

"The fight was against a Division of the Wild Bulls Team. First Division. It has been eliminated," the woman, Leonora Piera, reported to the benefactor of the contest. Her employer let out an annoyed sound, but said nothing of the report.

"Wow already? I wasn't even finished with the fireworks," Kira said as she walked over to the other side of the throne. "This School of Indiscriminate Grappling, what're they like?"

She saw the pictures of its members. "Oh, and is their leader single?"

"It's not worth it, he's engaged and even if he weren't... such a man would bring a girl like you nothing but trouble." Kira and Leonora turned towards the person who spoke. He walked from the darkness of the curtained observation deck and into the light emitted by the projector, the light gleaming off his glasses.

"A real troublemaker, Mr. Mousse?" Leonora asked.

Mousse smirked. "The worst."

Leonora nodded. "At the very least, they'll provide a good show."

Chuckling, Mousse held out his arms as he stared up at the screen, which changed to the map of Nerima, and the hundreds of green markers denoting individual competitors arranged in a ring around the Tendo Dojo and slowly converging on it.

"The greatest show on Earth!"

* * *

A/N: Hey guys. It's been a while. I would like to take a moment to thank everyone who has read not only Interview, but all my works over the last few years, and out of the kindness of their hearts came around to help when I was in a bad way. I should've come out and said something before, but seriously, really, and truly. Thank you all for being some of the best fans, readers, and all around people an author could ask for. I write for you guys, and I'll continue to write for you guys until my hands fall off.


	31. Good Ol' End of Days 1

Disclaimer: This one goes out to Djclyve, this chapter would not be possible were it not for him and the resources he made available for hacks such as myself. So, you know who to direct your hate mail to.

**The Key to A Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!  
**Good Ol' End of Days Part 1

"_Kids are cruel. All people are, by nature–they just lose touch with it as they get older."  
__-Sundowner, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance Chapter R-04_

**[31.]**

"W-what is this?"

Standing in the doorway of the dojo of Furinkan High School's Kendo Club, Kuno's shock turned to anger as he beheld the sight before him: A dozen members of its members were sprawled about the floor, either groaning in pain or completely unconscious, and the source of this one-sided beatdown was sitting on a pile of bokken with a smug look on his face.

"Furinkan High School's Kendo Club isn't exactly what I was expecting. Impressive yes, but not very strong," the mysterious accoster, a young pony-tailed man dressed in a dark colored haori and hakama identical to Kuno's usual style, declared.

Kuno schooled his fury and gripped the bokken on his hip. "That's because these were first-years, and hardly fit for combat outside of competitions." Drawing it, he pointed it at the trespasser. "Identify yourself."

Rising from the pile of bokken, the swordsman entered a drawing stance. "I am a humble practitioner of the Tenshin Shoden Katori Shinto Style of swordsmanship, Akifumi Wado."

Kuno looked the young man over. The katana he was using was certainly a real sword, but what he found unusual was that he was wearing sneakers instead of the traditional footwear or going barefoot. "You're the sort who needs every advantage he can get, aren't you?"

Akifumi smirked. "Maintaining a high efficiency is key to victory."

Kuno adjusted his sunglasses. "Quite. I suppose you're here for Ranma Saotome?"

"Yes, but I heard a rumor that if anyone wants to have a fair shot at him, they should measure themselves against you, first. That's the hierarchy of the School of Indiscriminate grappling, isn't it? Defeat the second strongest and then you're free to battle the master of the school!"

Akifumi attacked with impressive speed, lashing out with a drawing strike that Kuno quickly ducked under to slip past. Turning around to face his aggressor, Kuno stepped back to avoid a swift vertical slash aimed for his chest. Akifumi stayed on him, slashing at Kuno with unearthly speed.

"Huh, you're quick!" Kuno declared as he jumped a distance away from him. Akifumi was in perfect step with him, and slashed for his neck, the swift movement of the air leaving a mark on Kuno's neck as he barely avoided decapitation.

Kuno took another step back, as he watched the light gleam off the sword he wielded. "What speed, you must be quite strong to wield a katana with the same speed as a bokken."

Akifumi smirked and took his katana in both hands, the blade pointed towards Kuno. "The is the finest sword one can buy, specifically tailored to my style. While not as sharp, its lightness makes up for it, and allows me to cut even through concrete with ease."

Kuno frowned and prepared himself. "Sneakers to provide better traction on any terrain, a custom sword to maximize your swinging strength. You're practical, but not even remotely worth my time."

Akifumi recoiled. "What makes you say that?"

Kuno walked up to Akifumi, and then swung his bokken from five paces outside the reach of Akifumi's sword. The challenging swordsman stared at Kuno, puzzled, before the blade of his katana separated and fell to the dojo's floor.

"W-what?" Akifumi stared in horror at his bisected sword. "Impossible, this blade is made of titanium alloy, it shouldn't even be able to bend!"

"Had I used any more power, I would've cut you in half as well," Kuno replied before he pointed at his arms and stomach. "Look."

Akifumi looked down, then opened his haori. To his horror, he saw a thin red line across his stomach that seeped blood. "How?'

"Another thing, while the rumor is true that beating me will get Saotome's attention. I am not the second strongest in the School of Indiscriminate Grappling."

Akifumi's eyes widened as the bokken's demonic aura manifested and completely enveloped Kuno, giving off a brilliant, intimidating glow.

"I'm the weakest."

Suffice to say, Akifumi ran from Furinkan High School screaming to the sky (and the _Ars Poetica_) above that he quit.

Surrounded by all manner of weapons, electronics, and parts of various machines, Shampoo was sitting in the garage adjacent to the Cat Café, wearing on her right arm a gauntlet with a white emitter in its palm.

As she ran the gauntlet through its range of motion and took notes with her free hand, there was a knock on the garage door.

"Who is it?" She called.

"Your defeat! Come out and meet it, Xian Pu!" a woman called from outside.

Sighing, Shampoo pulled several USB cables from the gauntlet connecting it to a computer, and walked to the garage door. Opening an access door next to it, she stepped outside and found a blonde foreign girl, wearing skintight suit and armed with a pair of hook swords. It was enough to warrant some colorful Chinese from the Joketsuzoku warrior.

"Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Chamonix, a weapons master who specializes in Chinese weaponry."

Shampoo nodded. "Okay?"

Chamonix smiled "I've heard a lot about you."

"Oh?" Shampoo asked.

"A master of weapons of all types. Famous not only in your village back in China, but in Thailand as well as here. Everywhere you go, a trail of destruction miles long follows. You are a walking disaster, an unstoppable beautiful beast-" Chamonix noticed Shampoo was pressing buttons on her gauntlet. "Hey! I'm talking to you!"

Shampoo looked at her gauntlet. "Oh sorry, I'm busy trying to test this repulsor I put together."

The swordswoman stared blankly at Shampoo, before she asked, "A what?"

"Don't worry about it," Shampoo pointed the gauntlet at the girl. "Hold still for test, yes?" A blast fired from the palm and threw the woman back and into a brick wall. As the woman fell off the wall, unconscious, Shampoo shook her head in disappointment

"Output too low, should've put her through the wall." Muttering some Chinese in annoyance, Shampoo went back inside her shop.

In the back garden of the St. Bacchus School for girls, the president of St. Bacchus' Avian Enthusiasts Club was overjoyed as she sat in a very special aviary set up on the school. The aviary was special for it contained one species of bird that was impossible to find in Japan.

"They're like tiny helicopters!" Rei Hino gasped as she watched the Hummingbirds, imports from the US, flit about the sugar water feeders and flowers set up throughout the massive aviary, which covered the area of a football field and was almost as tall as the school itself.

"I have to admit, Rei-chan, it's something," her friend and visitor Usagi Tsukino said as she looked around.

"Where'd your school get the scratch for this?"

"Oh, Kodachi-sempai paid for it out off her own pocket, out of gratitude for some advice I gave her a while back," Rei replied.

Usagi tilted her head. "Wait, the chick who got fucked with a steamroller?"

"Ah… is that really the first thing you can remember about her?" Rei asked.

"Dude, she got smashed under a steamroller, you don't forget something like that." Usagi looked around again. "How's she been since?"

At that moment, Kodachi leaped over her and Rei's heads, spun through the air, and landed on the branch of a tree. She was in her leotard, and was carrying a ribbon in one hand and three clubs between the fingers of the other.

Letting out a huff, she leaped up towards the ceiling of the aviary as a blur that shot past two other intersecting blurs. Kodachi landed behind Usagi and Rei, now holding one club as her opponents landed on the other end of the path.

"Ah?! What's going on, why are you fighting in the Aviary?!" Rei demanded.

Kodachi turned to Rei and bowed. "Forgive me, Hino-san, it can't be helped; they challenged me."

Her opponents were two girls her age, one with long red hair that was bright yellow and spiked at the top of her head in a revealing leotard that showed off far too much of her front, and the other a short-haired girl in a plain white t-shirt and shorts that may as well have been painted on.

"Yeah, sorry about that!" the short-haired girl, Chie Ouei, said happily as she adopted a Karate stance.

"It will be over quickly," the slutty-leotard girl, Kiku Keichou said as she tossed aside one of the clubs that Kodachi had thrown at her.

Usagi bit her lower lip. "Rei-chan, do fights between hot women in skimpy clothes break out all the time around here?"

"More than the national average," Rei replied.

Kodachi twirled the last club and jumped to attack, unleashing her ribbon. Kiku jumped above the ribbon and spun through the air, as Chie side-flipped out of its zigzagging path. As Kodachi landed, she dodged a kick from Kiku, and then parried several punches with her club. Catching the leotard girl's foot with the ribbon at the last second, she swung her into the air before using her club and the ribbon's baton to parry Chie's punches.

"Geh!" Kodachi ducked down and swept Chie off her feet with the club, before she rolled out of the way of a falling kick from Kiku.

"I'll admit, you're amusing," Kodachi said. "You're fine acrobats, but your skills in hand to hand combat are meager."

"It's more than enough for a one-trick pony such as yourself," Kiku replied.

"And you're at a disadvantage using just those weapons," Chie taunted. "Rhythmic Gymnastic Wrestling is really only good for fighting Rhythmic Gymnastic Wrestlers. If you can't fight without a weapon, what good are you?"

Kodachi threw her last club at Chie, who expertly caught it and chuckled. "And now you're down one more."

"You might want to cover your mouth and nose," Kodachi said to Rei and Usagi, as the club opened and unleashed a rapidly spreading cloud of red smoke that enveloped both of her challengers.

As both opponents began to cough from the dense pepper-laden smoke, Kodachi snared Kiku around her legs and snatched her off her feet. "You were amusing."

Chie tried to back away from the cloud, but her partner was swung into her, sending them both into and through a tree. Watching the tree topple over, Kodachi twirled her ribbon around her and then over her head before letting out her boisterous laugh.

"But even insects can be fascinating." Walking up to both girls as they laid in a pile Kodachi lifted up her next weapon, a very large mallet. "From how pretty they are, to how they splatter all over the ground when crushed."

She swung the mallet down, and aboard the Ars Poetica two more indicators on a map of Tokyo turned from green to red. Watching the monitor, Leonora Piera shook her head. "Three competitors within as many minutes."

"How boring," Mousse dryly replied rom where he stood beside the base of the Benefactor's throne.

Turning away from the monitor, Leonora adjusted her glasses. "It has been one week since the start of the Grand Prix, and this has been the quality and result of every fight so far."

"Well, that's what happens when you let any old jack-off who thinks they can throw a punch into this sort of thing."

Mousse and Leonora looked towards the curtains covering the observation deck's windows. A skeevy-looking man in his late 20s was leaning against them with his arms folded. The man sported a low-fade haircut and spiky black-dyed hair, and was dressed in a simple business suit and tie much like Leonora.. He could be barely seen in the dark, but the light from the projector reached enough for Mousse and Leonora to see the smug, twisted look on his face.

"Well, you're free to participate at any time, Mr. Master," Leonora replied with a hint of disgust that elicited a smirk from Mousse.

The ne'er-do-well looking fellow grinned predatorily. "Right when it's about to get interesting?"

"Interesting, hm?" Mousse asked.

"The reason why all these weaklings have been jumping into the meatgrinder is because the interesting competitors want to go as late as possible into the fight. With half of the losers gone, we're going to start seeing some real fights."

Up on the Throne, the Benefactor wheezed deeply, before laughing.

* * *

Far below the _Ars Poetica,_ Ranma and Akane walked from Furinkan High School and towards the Cat Café, joined by Nabiki who trailed behind them with her nose buried into her smart phone. They had left school early because today was the big day! Akane would finally get to remove her cast, and they were going to the restaurant in order to celebrate it's removal and Akane's official entry into the tournament.

"After all these weeks, it's finally coming off! If I have to wait any longer to get this thing off I'm going to lose my mind!"

Ranma nodded after Akane indicated the cast still wrapped around her arm. He wrapped his arm around her waist. "I know, that stupid thing gets in the way of everything."

"Yes, it'll be so nice to be able to use both hands to-"

Nabiki couldn't help herself. "Spare me the details of your weird sex with Ranma, please?"

Akane whirled on her sister. "I WAS GOING TO SAY PRACTICE MARTIAL ARTS!"

"Just practice safely, okay?"

Akane glared at her sister and hugged Ranma back. A blush then bloomed across her face when she conceded that she was right about that too–the stupid cast got in the way and was definitely unsexy. She looked up at Ranma, who was blushing from having the same thoughts, and giggled.

Inside the Cat Café, as Ranma and Akane approached, Cologne and Plum were engaged in a battle of wills and monsters.

"Granny! Come on that's not fair!" Plum cried out as she watched on the screen of a Nintendo handheld her pocket monster get outrun and knocked out by her opponent. Seated across from her, Cologne chuckled at the young girl's dismay from behind her own handheld.

"I told you child, I'm no slouch at these children's games. My Garburias's stats are maxed out perfectly, including IV and EV spreads," Cologne smugly explained.

Plum stared at her. "I don't even know what any of that means."

"With age comes knowledge, dearie," Cologne replied before Plum sent out her next pocket monster. Her bugged out eyes bugged out bigger. "Arceus? How did you get one?"

It was Plum's turn to laugh triumphantly. "With youth comes resourcefulness, granny!"

The doors opened and both Ranma and Akane walked in. "Granny, we're here!"

Cologne looked over, disappointed that Plum destroyed another monster of her team. "Hello children, did you hear?"

Akane nodded. "Yes, three in three minutes."

"That makes seventy-four, we're about halfway through!" Ranma declared. "Those guys must've been jokes."

"They were. I literally beat my opponent with a push of a button," Shampoo called as she emerged from the kitchen, carrying trays of her painstakingly prepared lunch with her.

Akane brightened at the sight of all that food. "Oh, it looks so good! And in a few minutes I'll get to eat it properly!"

"We're here!" Kasumi happily cried as she entered with Dr. Tofu at her side.

"I'm glad we won't keep you waiting any longer, removing a cast can be like finally getting out of jail for some people," Dr. Tofu said.

"More like an asylum, this thing won't stop driving me crazy!" Akane looked from her cast to Dr. Tofu. "Please can I take it off now?"

Dr. Tofu sat down with Kasumi and both were served plates by Shampoo. "There's no time like the present. As your Doctor I give you permission to remove it."

Akane didn't need to be told twice. With a single swipe of her fingers, she ran her good hand from end to end of the cast along the underside of her forearm, around her thumb, and then over the top. The room went silent as everyone stared at the cast, and with a single flex of her forearm's muscles Akane popped the halves of the cast fell to the ground with a clatter.

"Haha, yes freedom!" Akane shouted as her audience applauded. Her jubilation was short-lived, however, when she got a good look at her formerly broken arm and realized that it was hairer her Dad's arms. "Oh ew! Cast hair!"

Nabiki quickly snapped a picture with her phone. "What a scoop!" When her little sister glared at her, she snapped another picture of her face. "Don't be mad."

Getting over it, Akane looked up at her fully functioning hand, and smiled as she moved it through its range of motion. "Now I can actually fight in this tournament!" She looked over to Cologne. "And train to get the Breaking Point."

Cologne nodded assent. "But first, you should enjoy your lunch."

She whipped a pair of chopsticks at Akane, who snatched them out of the air between her middle and pointer fingers of her healed hand. Grinning, she twirled them around her thumb before she sat down with Kasumi and Dr. Tofu. "Let's eat!"

She had just speared some Sesame Chicken when the front wall of the café exploded, sending wood and drywall scattering everywhere and filling the room with dust.

"Oh, what the fu-" Akane stopped mid-profanity and swung her chopsticks, catching between them a red-tufted tranquilizer dart that otherwise would've gone into her neck. "Well, now this is happening."

She and Ranma both jumped from the table to avoid another dart. Standing up, Ranma scanned the clearing dust, before snatching another dart out of the air aimed at him. "Not even impressed."

He threw the dart with such force that it scattered the dust that was obscuring the view from outside. The dart narrowly passed over the shoulder of a rifle-armed, balding foreigner wearing decked out in a pair of camouflage-patterned trousers, army boots, several bandoliers of tranquilizer darts, and a tactical shoulder holster equipped with two more tranquilizer pistols and what looked like tear gas grenades and flash bangs.

Ranma blinked once. "Okay and you would be?"

"Ivan Mikhailov, big game hunter, outdoorsman, and survivalist! I've come to hunt the most dangerous game!" the Russian man introduced himself before he fired again.

Ranma smacked the dart out of the air. "You ruined my lunch. I'm about to reenact the entirety of Tsushima all over your face."

He crossed the street between himself and Ivan, but the Russian had already tossed forward a flashbang and rolled clear, the powerful concussion weapon's flash and noise whiting out and deafening Ranma long enough for him to point his tranquilizer rifle at the pigtailed boy's chest. As he squeezed the trigger, he caught movement from his side and jumped back at the last possible second he had to avoid the table Akane attempted to crush him with.

"Spirited game, a fearsome boar and an equally fierce sow!" Ivan declared as he fired another dart from his rifle.

With an uppercut, Akane sliced the dart in half down its length and deflected both halves up and away from her. Her eyes were now as red as her vision. "Did you… just call me…_ a sow?!"_

Both she and Ranma shot forth and respectively punched and kicked the Russian, who crossed his arms at the last second to block it. The force of the impact traveled through him and down the street, tearing apart pavement, knocking over light poles, and overturning a parked car. Despite this, the Russian laughed and quick drew the tranq pistols in his shoulder holsters to point into his preys' faces.

The guns promptly disappeared from his hands, before he was hit across his body with more punches than a champion boxer experienced in a lengthy winning career over the course of ten seconds. When Ranma's barrage stopped, Akane kicked him in the chin, launching him into the air and down the street. Tumbling over and over, Ivan crashed into the street face first, cracking the pavement underneath him.

Akane twirled the tranq pistols in her hands, as Ranma held up his fingers in the shape of guns and blew the steam that rose from them off. "It's good to have you back," the latter said to his fianceé.

"It's good to be back," she replied as she holstered both tranq pistols on the shoulder holsters she now wore.

Slowly but surely, Ivan managed to get back up, standing upright. His face was bloodied, his body was covered in bruises, and in addition to his holsters and pistols, everything else he wore had been stolen clean off his body except for his boots and a bright red had been pulled up and over his shoulders.

"Lewd," Nabiki said from the side of the street as she took a picture of him.

Ivan regained his bearings and stared in disbelief at his prey after realizing his near nudity. "What the fuck?!"

"This makes four in less than an hour, wouldn't it?" Akane asked.

Ranma nodded. "It's a shame we can't even claim this one."

"Yeah, it may have been our lunch, but it was _her_ restaurant." Akane looked past Ivan as she said that.

_Her restaurant?_ Ivan stopped and grew wide-eyed, before slowly turning around to find Shampoo standing there, her purple bangs hanging over her eyes as she gripped her chúi so tightly blood seeped from between her clenched fingers.

"Son of a bitch!" His dismayed yell became a scream of horror as Shampoo tore into him with such a ferocity that even the game he claimed to hunt would weep in sympathy. All the while, Nabiki snapped picture after picture, leaning in close and moving from side to side to get as many angles as possible.

"This is going into the scrapbook," she declared.

As Shampoo beat the Russian to as close to clinically dead as the contest rules would allow, Ranma and Akane walked back over towards the blown open Cat Café. Cologne was already assessing the damage done and calculating what it would cost.

"It doesn't look too bad, Granny," Ranma said as Cologne prodded the edge of the damaged wall.

"It isn't, child. I've long gotten the Café properly insured for these kinds of things." Cologne nevertheless shook her head and sighed. "But we'll be selling out of cart and doing deliveries for a few days while we repair, what a pain."

"I can help with deliveries!" Akane volunteered.

"That won't be necessary, but thank you dear," Cologne said to Akane.

Shampoo and Nabiki walked over, both splattered with blood that the latter was wiping off her camera. "All of Shampoo hard work, ruined by dumb Russian."

Akane pouted. "I didn't even get to try that Sesame Chicken."

"Still, a win's a win," Ranma acknowledged before he noticed Ivan getting back up. "Are you kidding me?"

His body trembling, Ivan wiped the blood from his face. "Zaroff, come here!"

The ground shook, when another three times the size of Ivan came crashing to the ground behind it. The heavily muscled and bearded Russian wore a huge black ear-hat, a Black Bear pelt for pants, several Arctic Wolf pelts for a shirt, and a Siberian Tiger pelt as a cape. He glared at his much smaller opponents, his dark eyes filled with anger.

Zaroff laughed. "Allow me to meet my partner and man-servant, Zaroff! He has successfully hunted more prey than I, but has never held a gun! Every animal he wears, he has killed with his own two hands and nothing else!"

"I'd be intimidated if that wasn't so awesome," Ranma lamented. "So you're saying if we beat you, we can keep your clothes?"

Akane broke into a grin.. "I will mount his head on my wall and wear his skin as a kimono."

The muscular Russian bellowed loudly and lifted his hands above his head in response, before leaping to crush Ranma, Akane, and Cologne under his mass. As his shadow fell over him, Ranma smiled. "Thank you for making this easy for me."

He performed a high kick, his foot going straight into Zaroff's crotch, causing his roar to go up astronomically in pitch. Balancing him on his foot, Ranma bent his leg and the tossed him into the air. "Hey Hunter-san, see if you can catch this!"

Jumping into the air, Ranma flipped and smashed another kick into Zaroff as he fell, launching him like a shrieking missile into Ivan. On impact, both went skipping down the street, across an intersection, and into the side of a dilapidated building, causing it to collapse with a roar.

Ranma landed dusted his hand. "Victory number seventy-five."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Ranma jumped and took a step when he heard the shout from the rubble. That certainly was no Russian who shouted that out. "Huh?"

The collapsed building began moving again, shifting and rumbling, before a large portion exploded in a familiar pillar of bright red light that was joined by a familiar roar of despair.

Akane gasped in surprise. "That's…!"

"The Shishi Hokodan…" Ranma finished.

The beam faded and the dust cleared, revealing an annoyed Ryoga dusting himself off. "Jo why did you set off those charges early?! I was still in there!"

"What kind of amateur do you think I am? I did no such thing–the building got hit from the outside!" Jo Nezumi shouted back from a now overturned table of equipment connected to wires leading into the collapsed ruins. Letting out a few choice words that could only be spoken in the company of Good Demo-Men, she got up and headed over to the ruins.

Ryoga finished dusting himself. "From outside?

Both Ivan and Zaroff landed in a heap next to him, making him jump. Staring at the groaning, singed men, Ryoga blinked several times and then looked up at the sky. "Huh…"

"Oi, Ryoga!" Ranma called as he and Akane jogged over. "Sorry about that!"

Seeing the two, particularly Ranma, Ryoga's expression became pure deadpan. "Of course it would be you." He looked to Akane and became much less acerbic. "Hello Akane, what was going on?"

"We just had another match," Akane replied.

"Our seventy-fifth victory," Ranma boasted.

Ryoga's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Seventy-five? You're already halfway through?!"

"Just about, you think we'd slouch for a minute?" Ranma asked.

"I see, so are you looking forward to breezing through the rest of the tournament?" Ryoga asked.

Ranma shook his head. "I don't know, if we have to go through anymore fights like these… I'm going to die of boredom."

Jo, who was disarming the charges that Ryoga hadn't destroyed with the Shishi Hokodan, looked back.

"The Kunos and Shampoo beat three teams at like the same time. We beat this guy and his boyfriend without taking an actual hit from either of them," Ranma lamented of their opposition. "These people are scrubs."

Ryoga looked down at the two Russians again. "Scrub is a bit harsh, don't you think?"

"I had more fun getting kicked around by you," Ranma admitted.

Akane had finished divesting Zaroff of his clothes. "The tiger is going on my bedroom floor, and then you and I are going to _ruin it,_ Ranma."

Ranma saw the amorous look in Akane's eyes and flushed. "Huh… okay…" He quickly looked back towards Ryoga, and saw him just snickering a bit. The only thing honestly weirder than Akane being openly affectionate in front of Ryoga, really, was Ryoga being so cool about it.

"Still, I don't think you should let your guard down," the former admirer of Akane warned. "There are good teams who want to win, _really_ good teams."

Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "I'll believe that when I see it."

The yellow safety helmet Jo wore hit the ground with a strong clatter, quickly catching Ranma, Akane, and Ryoga's attention. The youthful blonde-haired woman stooped down to pick up her helmet, and affixed it back over her tied-up blonde hair. "Sorry, helmet slipped off."

Akane blinked in surprise at the surprisingly cute young lady. "Oh hello, are you a friend of Ryoga's?"

"I'm his senpai, yes," Jo quickly replied. "Jo Nezumi, you're Akane and the stud here is Ranma, yes?"

She offered her hand to Akane, who took and shook it gently. "Yes, it's nice to meet you. Ryoga said he was working with an interesting company."

"He's said a lot about you to us, too."

"Nothing bad, I hope?"

"Not about you in particular…" Jo looked towards Ranma, who had sidled over to Ryoga's left. "Hey pigtail, since you made this mess you can help clean up, right?"

Ranma nodded. "Sure thing, kiddo." At Jo's dark look, he quickly scooted off with Ryoga. "Testy, sheesh! So how's the wife and kid, man? It's been a while since we seen ya last."

"Oh, they've been fine. Osaka wants to finish high school, and has been taking Yoiko with her," Ryoga said as they walked over to the remaining rubble of the building. "The other girls help take care of her… she's become a class project, almost."

"Sheesh, you're all over town doing this demolition stuff, and she goes to school. Don't you have any time for each other?"

"Of course we do! I don't work every day… just… most of them." Ryoga sighed.

"Why all the hard work? Didn't Osaka's parents like you and stuff?"

"They do, and they really want to help, but Osaka didn't think it was fair to her parents to take care of her and their granddaughter, so we moved to an apartment closer to her school… in Juuban."

Ranma whistled. "Juuban? The rent must be through the roof."

"It's why I work."

Reaching another pile of ruined building, Ranma's hands became blurs and chunks of concrete were pounded into dust, wood to splinters, and rebar became scraps of metal. As Ranma punched his way through the rubble, Ryoga took a step back and folded his arms.

"So what's the deal?" He asked over the buzzing sound created by Ranma's movements.

"Deal?"

"You and Akane hate having to deal with these kinds of people throwing themselves at you day in and day out, but now you're doing it for a quick buck. What's going on?"

Ranma picked up a large block of concrete and crushed it into dust between his hands. "You remember Kaori, the one who taught you your special technique, right?"

How could Ryoga forget? "Yeah."

"Her old man almost came around to breaking the engagement… but being the bourgeois he is, he invested way too much into making her the perfect wife, and he wants us to pay off on his loss. We win the tourney, we'll have the money to opt out and she'll have to leave me the hell alone and move on with her life. So the easier this whole farce goes, the better."

"How much do you owe her old man?"

"Eight hundred-ninety million yen."

Ryoga nearly fell over. "Who the hell invests that much in an engagement?!"

"I know!" Ranma shouted as he punted the last chunk of debris, sending it flying into the nearby river. "Oops."

Ryoga nodded slowly. _He has a good reason for being in the Grand Prix…_

"What about you? A billion yen is a lot of money for your family, why didn't you join?"

Ryoga looked at Ranma quietly for a moment, before he answered plainly. "I have a job doing something I love to do that lets me take care of my family, I'm happier here than fighting anyone." He smiled proudly with that.

Ranma slowly nodded, it was hard to not feel admiration for Ryoga. "Gotta say, Pig-boy, I'm impressed."

"Thanks. You know, Sunday Osaka and I both have the day off. If you're not busy busting heads, you and Akane should come by and have dinner."

"That sounds good to me, we'll definitely be there," Ranma replied with a grin. "It'll be nice to have a night out with Akane."

Ryoga nodded and then called over to Jo. "Hey Jo-senpai, we're done early here!"

"Okay! I've already got our stuff packed up," Jo called as she and the ever helpful Akane finished loading her equipment onto the the back of a sky-blue pickup truck with the letters "N-B-K" painted on the doors. "Thank you, Akane-chan."

Giving a passing glance to the side door of the truck, Akane nodded to Jo. "Sure thing, Jo-chan."

Jo immediately gave her a brief, sour look. Shaking her head, she opened the driver's side door and climbed in as Ranma and Ryoga walk over.

"Hey Akane, we're having dinner over at Ryoga's new place Sunday," the former announced.

Akane looked from Ranma to Ryoga. "You moved out?"

Ryoga nodded before he rounded the truck to the passenger side. "Sure did, Osaka's looking forward to seeing you again."

Akane smiled brightly. "I look forward to seeing your new place! It was nice seeing you again, Ryoga!"

"You too!" Climbing in, Ryoga banged on the dashboard. "Let's get going, Mousie."

"Call me that again," Jo warned before she waved to Ranma and Akane. "See you soon enough, you guys!"

With that, the two pulled away from what was now an empty lot, bare except for Ranma, Akane, and the two unconscious Russians. Ranma looked to Akane. "Ryoga's doing pretty good."

Akane was a little more focused on the retreating truck. "Yeah… I wanna talk to Lucretia-san."

"About what?" Ranma asked as they turned and headed back towards the Cat Café.

Akane looked back again towards the truck, now out of sight. "I think Ryoga's company is in the Grand Prix, too."

Ranma grew wide-eyed. "What makes you say that?"

"Those letters on the truck, N-B-K, I'm pretty sure I saw them on the airship when they were showing the names of the competitors to pick the King of the Hill."

Frowning, Ranma slowly nodded just before a familiar white transport helicopter passed overhead and came to a hover over the Cat Café. "Yeah, let's go ask Lucretia to be sure."

* * *

"We're not going to be paying for this out of our pockets when this is over, are we child?" Cologne asked Lucretia as the two watched the repair staff get to work making it like the damage to the Cat Café's front never happened. Next to the old woman, Lucretia adjusted her glasses.

"As I explained to Mr. Saotome and Miss Tendo, these services are gratis, Ms. Lon," she replied.

Cologne laughed. "Well, as long as it's no money out of my pocket, can I get some renovations in?"

Lucretia nodded. "Do as you wish, but don't be too ridiculous."

"Oh, of course."

As the cacophony of carpentry commenced, Ranma and Akane returned to the Cat Café and immediately approached Lucretia and Cologne. "Hey, Pillar Lady!" Ranma called out to her.

"Mr. Saotome, Miss Tendo," Lucretia curtly replied with a nod. "Congratulations on reaching the halfway mark of the tournament-"

Ranma quickly cut her off on his way to the chase. "Yeah, yeah, we've been keeping count. I wanted to ask about one of the other teams."

Lucretia's eyebrows rose briefly. "What did you wish to know?"

"Is there a team called N-B-K, Nihon Break Kogyo, in the tournament?"

Lucretia nodded. "Yes, it is a four member team."

Ranma and Akane looked to one another, their concerned expressions identical.

"Ryoga wouldn't do that, would he? Lure us into a trap?" Akane asked. "I don't want to think he would…"

Folding his arms, Ranma shook his head. "Nah. If he says he's done fighting and just wants to have dinner then I believe him. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt." But stay on his guard just in case, he added to himself.

Akane nodded. "I don't think Osaka would like that anyway, ruining their new home with a fight."

"It's in Juuban, too. Last thing I want to do is aggro Sailor Moon."

Akane nodded again, much quicker, at the prospect of avoiding that terrible life decision.

Lucretia cleared her throat garnering their attention. "As you have reached the halfway point of the tournament, you have been granted additional benefits."

Ranma and Akane grew surprised. "Wait, there's more?"

"Yes, but I will not be explaining them." She looked up to the sky as the transport helicopter turned and flew away. When Ranma, Akane, and Cologne looked up, their eyes grew large at the sight the departing helicopter revealed.

Kira Takemikazuchi hovered in the air with her arms folded and the biggest smile on her face.

"Is she floating in the air?" Akane asked.

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, she is."

"A Grand Master of her art, no doubt…" Cologne surmised.

Upon getting the surprised reaction she desired, she dropped to the ground and smoothed out the short cut, tightly fitting dress she wore. "I just flew in from the _Ars Poetica_ and boy are my arms tired!"

Akane blanched in disgust at that horrible, horrible joke, while Ranma attempted, awkwardly, to laugh at it. Still smiling, Kira walked up to Ranma and took his hands into her own. "Congratulations on making it to the halfway point, Ranma-kun! As MC for the Billion Yen Grand Prix, I want to personally tell you about all the wonderful things you'll be getting for the second half of your tenure as King of the Hill!"

She stopped and looked aside to Cologne and Lucretia. "However long that may last."

"Quite," Lucretia said as she adjusted her glasses while Cologne just hummed.

Kira put her arm around Ranma's shoulder to hugged him close, prompting a "Hey!" from Akane that went ignored. "Ranma-kun, as you're halfway through, people are now super hyped for you! You're popular, you're famous, Twitter is exploding over you."

She held up a phone and took a selfie of herself cuddling him. "#RanmaIsSoHot!"

"Hey!" Akane yelped.

Ranma was increasingly uncomfortable. "Uh, could you not-?"

Kira kissed him on the cheek and then pulled away. "So! We're going to give you a palace worthy of your status!"

She pointed to the distance, at one of the newly constructed buildings that sat on the Nerima Skyline, right next to the skyscraper that Kasumi had nearly dropped on Shampoo's head in fact. It was a much taller, more extravagant building than those around it, and had only been built over a month ago, setting a world record for completion time. Just two weeks.

"You, your family, and the other members of the School of Indiscriminate Grappling Team will be whisked away to the Imperial Penthouse Suite of the newly-built Tokyo Renaissance Hotel! An extravagant thirty room mansion that takes up the top two floors and includes the latest in technologies for comfort, security, and connectivity to and from the world below!"

Nabiki was suddenly at Ranma and Akane's side. "Oh. My. God. _Yes."_

Ranma looked at her. "Huh?"

"A penthouse suite? How wonderful!" Ranma whirled around to look at an equally enthusiastic Kasumi, who was standing behind him along with Dr. Tofu.

"Sheesh don't sneak-"

"SON I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! YOU WON YOUR OLD MAN A PENTHOUSE!" A sobbing Genma suddenly bellowed as he caught Ranma up in a crushing hug. "WITH A BIG SCREEN TV AND AN OPEN BAR AND-" He stopped and looked at Kira. "It's got servants too, right?"

Kira saluted him. "Maids and butlers, all highly trained and motivated."

"AND SERVANTS TOO! I'M FINALLY PROUD OF YOU, M'BOY!" Genma howled before Ranma punted him into the air.

"The only place you're living in is a gutter!" he yelled as his Father accelerated to transonic speeds.

Soun appeared, lamenting Genma's ejection. "It's only fair, Saotome. Ranma-kun is only in this situation because of your foolishness, it'd be wise of you to accept that you will not be permitted to stay in the-"

Ranma grabbed Soun and pitched him into the air as well. "You're not staying either!"

"We are though, yes?" Cologne asked.

"Of course, Granny, you've never done anything to us that wasn't legally forgiven," Ranma replied.

"Are you super hyped for this or what?" Kira asked.

"Well now that I've determined who isn't coming, yes," Ranma replied. "What else do we get?"

"Increased benefits include armed security for non-competing family members of your club, to prevent other competitors from using hostages to gain an advantage in matches." As she said that, two men in black suddenly stepped up to either side of Nabiki and scanned the area for threats.

"Oh man, I'm going to abuse the hell out of this," Nabiki said.

"A personal yacht to enjoy on Tokyo Bay with the weather heating up." She held up a picture of a hundred meter long Luxury yacht currently sitting in Tokyo Bay.

"I'll bring the autotune, if you bring the Pashmina Afghan," Shampoo said.

"We're not doing that anymore," Akane darkly warned the Amazon.

"And the biggest perk of them all." Kira beckoned for Ranma to come closer and he did… completely against his will. She leaned forward to him, as his eyes grew wide and he attempted to struggle against the force that was drawing him to her. "… Is a night, with me."

_What in the actual hell?_ Ranma tried to pull back, to get free of the force holding onto him, but his body refused to obey him, he was completely held still as Kira rested a hand on his shoulder. As he stared into her brown eyes, he immediately noticed that at the center of them was a golden star that spun slowly.

"That'll be super swell, won't it?" She cooed. "There'll be dinner, dancing, and whatever may come after?" She bit her lower lip briefly. "Well… that's between us, right?"

"That does sound nice but I have a girlfriend," Ranma managed to reply, keeping as calm as he could given the terrifying helplessness of his position.

Kira stopped. "Huh?"

Akane then grabbed Kira's hand and wrenched it from Ranma's shoulder. "Yes. He does."

Kira got one look at Akane, and then jumped back from her with such speed that the streetlamp she backed into bent. In the space of that jump, she had transformed from cheerful and energetic to completely terrified–her face was pale, and her chest was heaving like she had just narrowly escaped a close brush with death.

Cologne, Dr. Tofu, and Kasumi all muted their surprise at the bizarre shift, and looked between Kira and Akane as the former lifted her hand and pointed at the latter. "W-who are you?"

"His girlfriend, Akane Tendo… the Tendo in the Saotome/Tendo School of Indiscriminate Grappling?" Akane replied, feeling both satisfied and confused at Kira's reaction to her.

Kira was still shaking, as she looked Akane over like she was face to face with a Shoggoth. "I see… I didn't realize that Ranma-kun's taste was for strange women."

Akane narrowed her eyes. "Strange doesn't even begin to start with it, Takemikazuchi-san."

The tension rose exponentially between both Akane and Kira, with even Nabiki even being able to see the air rippling and warping around them as Kira pushed herself off from the light pole, which suddenly and violently straightened itself out.

Ranma was suddenly between them, pushing Akane back and holding his other hand out towards Kira in a gesture to back off. "All right, that's enough!"

The tension bled away, as Kira relaxed and brought her hands to her mouth. "Oh my… that was… weird."

Akane looked to Ranma. "She started it…"

Ranma nodded and whispered back, "Yeah, and I wanted you to finish it, but she's the MC. As easily you could walk all over her–I'd rather we not start a fight with the guys in charge of the tournament."

"At least until we win," Akane whispered back.

"Yeah, after that do whatever you want to her." Ranma chuckled. "You're really pent up, huh?"

"I want the next fight to be a really good, long, cathartic one," she hissed back.

Kira's expression darkened ever so slightly, as she lowered her hands to her sides. Just as quickly, she brightened up. "Well! That's it for the benefits! The offer for dinner and dancing is still on the table… but feel free to bring your girlfriend, all your friends! It'll be a party!"

"That sounds much better," Dr. Tofu then cut in before anymore mouths could shoot off. "There's much I feel we could discuss, Takemikazuchi-dono."

Kira clapped her hands to her cheeks. "Ahn! No need to be so formal with me, Doctor!" She turned to Lucretia. "I leave moving our King and his court to their new swanky digs, Ms. Piera! Do what you do best, okay?"

"Of course," Lucretia replied as Kira lifted off the ground and began to ascend into the air.

"Yay!" Kira twirled around. "Well, until the next time we meet! See you around, King!"

Wreathed in a golden battle aura, Kira blasted off like a rocket, leaving a looping and twirling trail across the sky towards the _Ars Poetica._

Shampoo shook her head as she watched the golden light fade. "Someone that strong working as an idol."

"It's more common than you think; I was trained by Donny Osmond," Akane replied.

"It's still weird, it's like if the Sailor Senshi started a musical group."

Ranma hummed. "That would be the greatest hardcore metal band ever."

"Like GWAR but with miniskirts, yes," Shampoo agreed.

"So like GWAR, then?" Kasumi asked, warranting stares from everyone. "Come on, you do remember that I asked if Ranma's cursed form still had a dick, right?"

"I'm taking away your computer," Nabiki immediately said.

* * *

As the beam of light of Kira's ascent shot overhead, Plum sighed and walked down the street from the Cat Café and towards the park. With everyone else now taking care of more important things, it was time to amuse herself with the neighborhood kids.

"School's over too, finally," she murmured to herself before she overheard cheering from the park. "Eh?"

There were some kids fresh out of school gathered in a small crowd around a pair of masked men doing some kind of street performance on the path. One of the men, wearing a yellow sweater and blue pants sporting a octopus's mask, was holding a single Duel Monsters card in his hand.

"These Children's Card Games used to be so simple a long time ago…" Octopus Mask shook his head. "But now it's all holograms and mindbreak. What next… motorcycles?!"

With his cry, he slammed the card he held into the center of a circle of cards arranged on the ground, the impact of the foil card actually cracking the ground as the shockwave launched the other cards around it into the air.

As the same card bounced back into the air, the other man, a doll mask wearing man dressed in a green shirt and brown pants caught and swung it, creating a small tornado that quickly sucked up the other thrown cards, to the amazement of the gradeschoolers.

Plum stopped dead in her tracks as she watched the card tornado. "Huh!"

Standing back, Octopus Mask let out a boisterous laugh. "You don't need a hundred thousand yen in equipment to play a Children's Card Game!"

He was cut off from laughing again by the shrill chimes and hot-blooded singing of multiple ringtones. Stopping, he stared as each child pulled out a smart phone and looked at it. Suddenly busy schedules had called to the children, and they quickly scattered.

"Ah, Mom's wondering where I am!" one cried.

"I'm already late for cram school!" another gasped before turning and running off.

"It's that late?"

"Nobody plays Duel Monsters anymore anyway, Pocket Monster for the win!"

"N-nobody…?!" Octopus Mask slammed his cards on the ground. "Dang it to heck! What is with kids these days?! Do they like anything?!"

"Nothing real, just zeroes and ones on a tiny little screen," Doll Mask lamented.

As the last kids left, Plum sighed. "Maybe I should ask Granny about enrolling. Japanese Grade School must be really fun if they're willing to do it all day."

"It's not really."

Jumping, Plum turned around to find another gradeschooler, a little girl in a pink shirt and red skirt, holding a ball. The girl watched one of the students run by. "School is really boring. They spend all day filling their minds up with boring stuff, it turns them into zombies and salarymen."

Plum giggled. "Aren't those the same thing?"

The other girl shrugged her shoulders. "My Dad says so." She smiled to Plum. "My name's Temari, do you want to play?"

Plum quickly nodded. "Sure!"

* * *

By sundown, the residents of the Tendo Residence and Dr. Tofu were overlooking the spacious and western-furnished living room and adjacent kitchen of the Tokyo Renaissance's Imperial Suite. Against the sole wall not providing a spectacular view of the Tokyo Metropolitan area, was a massive flatscreen TV that could've only been air-lifted into the building, with three white couches set up in a semi-circle in front of it on the white wall to wall carpet.

In the kitchen area, a young chef looked up and tilted his chef's hat in greeting. Also bowing in greeting were the half dozen servants, three maids and three butlers, who stood before them.

"Welcome, Kings of the Hill," they all chimed at once.

"Heh, maids," Akane whispered aside to Ranma, who shook his head and laughed.

"Oh God, I want to live here forever," Nabiki said as she walked down the steps and across the carpet of the living room. She sighed dramatically and threw herself onto the couch. "This is the freaking high life!"

"It is nice," Akane said as she walked over to the window.

Kasumi bowed politely to the servants and dismissed them back to their duties. "It feels a little too much, if you ask me… I'm not sure what I'll be able to do with myself while we're here…"

Nabiki sat up. "Shopping, bitch!"

This was exactly the sort of thing Nabiki saved money for, after all.

Kasumi beamed to her younger sister. "Well, there are some dresses I would like."

"Fuck some dresses, we're buying Roppongi," Nabiki replied.

Ranma was a little unnerved, this was the most excited he'd ever seen Nabiki over… well… anything ever. Akane stepped away from the window, catching upon the feeling she smirked to Nabiki. "Easy, Nabiki, I think you're scaring Ranma."

"I'll buy him some therapy," Nabiki joked back before someone came walking up from the spiral staircase in the corner of the room leading to the lower floor. "Huh?"

Azusa, who had been drawn by the voices, immediately brightened when she saw the Tendos and Ranma. She bounded over and hugged Akane. "Akane-chan! Ranma-chan! We're already moved in!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's going to be great having you here!" Akane cheerily replied as she hugged Azusa back.

The elevator doors opened, revealing the siblings Kuno carrying their bags and accompanied by a short man dressed as a Ninja. Kodachi, upon seeing Akane and Azusa embraced, immediately bristled as she had the last time she'd caught sight of this. "Akane-sama, Ranma-sama, we have arrived!"

Akane looked over, and smiled. "Hey you guys!"

Kuno couldn't help his amusement at his sister's jealousy. "Easy, Kochi."

Kodachi brightened and went to Akane's side as Kuno joined Ranma's. "Akane-sama, this is an honor, living under the same roof as you."

As Akane became all atwitter about living with two girls who had graduated from pains in the ass to people she'd easily kill for, Ranma smirked to Kuno. "So, what do you think of the digs, a step up or down from what you're used to?"

"More to the right if anything, but it's still nice," he replied before he noticed Mikado make his way up the stairs. "Mikado Sanzenin…"

"Tatewaki Kuno," Mikado replied with a nod, before doing the same for Ranma. "Ranma, we probably would've done to have more team members, there's still plenty of room downstairs."

"The crew we've got is more than enough," Ranma and Kuno met Mikado over by the couches and sat down on the couch to the right of Nabiki, who was eagerly planning out her shopping adventures with Kasumi now. "You been doing all right?"

Mikado looked at his cane and then back to Ranma as he and Kuno sat on either side of him. "Even with my condition, defeating opponents was easy. Most took a single strike."

"What about the rest?"

"I wouldn't know, Azusa got to them before I could even introduce myself."

Ranma folded his arms and sat back. In front of him was the window showing an excellent view of the setting sun and the _Ars Poetica_ and it's flashing marquees. "That's how it's been this whole time for all of us."

"Are you concerned that the competition is too easy?" Mikado asked.

"Nah," Ranma replied as Ryoga's warning and the fact that N-B-K were competitors echoed in his mind. "I'm just annoyed that there might actually be competition."

Kuno nodded. "We aren't actually here for the fun of it, no."

The last thing Ranma wanted out of all of this, was to come so close to actually winning, only for some strong as nails opponent like Kira to just swoop in and take the prize out of his hands. He had no doubts about his ability, hell he was even more certain of his abilities after the earlier encounter, but he wasn't about to take anything to chance.

"No, and the longer we have to plod through these weaklings means the more time any really strong opponent has to find a way to beat us." Ranma rested his elbows on his knees and steepled his hands together in front of his mouth. "We need a change of approach."

"Going on the offensive, then. Seeking out the other competitors and defeating them," Mikado said.

"Yeah. We jump 'em, beat 'em before they can even throw a punch, and get out."

"Admirably ruthless," Mikado complimented.

"A grim necessity, circumstances considered," Kuno added.

Ranma looked between the two of them. "Man, if you guys are going to hang out with me, could you tone down the sophistication? I'm poor, you know."

"Speak less like you were raised in a barn in Osaka and maybe we'll pretend to not be Toudai-bound," Kuno replied smugly.

"Hmph!" Mikado snorted with equal mock smugness.

Dr. Tofu sat across from them. "A strong offense will negate their advantage of coming at you as their leisure. And if you take out a suitably strong opponent first, you'll shake the morale of the other competitors waiting in the wings."

"Exactly," Ranma said. "Which is why I'm going after N-B-K on Sunday."

Akane looked over. "Ranma, no!"

"I'm not going to fight them at Ryoga's house, relax!" Ranma reassured her then. "But I am going to challenge them through Ryoga, and they can't refuse a challenge from the King of the Hill." He stopped briefly. "Right, Pillar Lady?"

Everyone looked over towards the kitchen, where Lucretia stood with the chef, who leaped from her in surprise. "That's correct, as the Challengers have the right to take on the King of the Hill, the King of the Hill reserves the right to challenge any opponents to a fight at any time."

"I'm going to put a bell on you, if you don't stop that," Nabiki warned.

"You are welcomed to try," Lucretia replied with an uncharacteristically catty smile.

"Done deal." Nabiki looked around. "Where's Shampoo? I need her to hold the Pillar Lady down."

"Still packing up at the Café, last I heard," Ranma said.

Akane frowned and looked to Ranma. Even if a fight wasn't going to break out, she didn't like the idea of Ranma going to Ryoga's with ulterior motives after affirming he trusted Ryoga to have none of his own. She just hoped that Ryoga and Osaka didn't think less of Ranma for it.

* * *

Down below, in Nerima's park, Genma and Soun sat on a bench, lamenting their plight. The kids had all moved out, albeit temporarily, and were now living in luxury while the two patriarchs had nothing but an empty home waiting for them. Frankly, it was hardly fair.

"I was the one who put him up to joining the tournament! He could at least acknowledge that by leaving some of the perks for being top of the pile for the both of us!" Genma grumbled.

Soun was smoking a cigarette to stave off the edge of being ditched by his daughters, but it was not doing it for him. "All we can do is endure, Saotome, and hope for their swift victory."

Genma snorted loudly. "Such impudent brats, no sense of gratitude at all! No respect for their elders."

"A common thing these days, isn't it?"

Genma and Soun looked over to see a man in a green kimono, wearing an Ultraman Mask walk over. Taken aback by the man's odd choice of attire, they sat aside when he stood at the bench and allowed him to sit down regardless. "They've got their faces stuck in tiny glowing screens, and don't even see the beautiful world around them, and they think they know so much because of them that they don't need to abide by old timers like us."

Soun took a drag of his cigarette, while Genma nodded in agreement. "My son is the worst offender! I'm not perfect, not by a mile, but he could at least respect his old man!"

"I've two sons and a little girl, myself. My boys went through their rebellious phase, but they straightened out just fine and took well to the art. I wasn't about to make the same mistake with my daughter, and I've kept her away from the glitz and glam of those provocative little distractions."

Genma and Soun both became much more interested. "A martial artist you say?" The latter asked. "What's your style?"

The masked man simply waved his hand. "Oh, it's an old family thing no one's heard of. It's embarrassing to even go into detail about it. What about you sirs? Do you practice?"

"The School of Indiscriminate Grappling," Soun replied. "We are the masters of separate branches. Mine specializes in swordsmanship and Saotome's in bare-handed combat."

The old man let out a surprised hum. "When you say Indiscriminate Grappling, do you by chance mean the school founded by Happosai?"

Both Genma and Soun blanched, before Genma nodded. "You've… heard of him?"

"There are very few who haven't. Judging by your reactions, I assume you are his students then. Last I heard he'd taken up two young wild men as his students and beaten them into fine martial artists."

Not sure how to take what sounded like praise for their master, but assuming that it was only because this man had no idea what Happosai was truly like, both men puffed their chests a bit with pride.

"Well, our old Master–rest his soul–certainly did a number on us," Soun replied.

"As ruthless as he was, he did know what he was doing." But Genma would still hate him forever.

Ultraman Mask gasped. "Happosai's passed?"

"Yes, it was a great tragedy," Soun quickly said. "He was buried deep underground in a cavern filled with lit dynamite."

"Or at least that was the last anyone had heard of him…" Genma added. "It's been just over a decade since we last saw him."

Silent for a moment, the man shook his head. "It feels… just like yesterday." He looked out at the setting sun. "Those old days, where men like Happosai ran wild, practicing and spreading the arts from town to town, land to land… and women too. The greatest Martial Artists in the world."

He sighed wistfully as in his eyes, the skyscrapers, gleaming lights, and fixtures of these modern times faded for wooden roofs and tall tree. Simpler, nostalgic days. "Those were days of uncertainty, when Japan was strong and independent, and the strength of the fist and the blade were revered. Where only strong warriors like Happosai, or Hina Urashima, or Josef Joestar, or Kenshiro Kasumi were certain that they would see another."

"Who?" Soun mouthed to Genma, in regards to the latter three.

Genma shrugged his shoulders.

"To think it's been so long, that the years have even caught up to Happosai…" The clearly old man shook his head. He then slipped his hand under his mask and over his eyes, as he began to weep.

As Genma reached out and patted the old man on the shoulder to console him, Temari caught a soccer ball against her chest and began dribbling it, bouncing it from one foot to another as Plum stood ready in between two trees, ready to block her free kick.

"Are you ready?" She asked.

"Born ready, you won't get by me! I was taught some moves!" Plum replied as she hopped from one foot to the other.

"Here it comes!" Temari shouted as she kicked the ball at Plum, the spin causing it to corkscrew through the air towards Plum. Plum, however, wasn't intimidated and leaped into a forward flip to heel-kick the ball straight down into the ground. The ball struck the ground and left a crater as it bounced high into the sky and out of sight.

Temari looked up into the sky, with wide eyes, as the ball disappeared. "Whoa… that was so cool!"

Plum folded her arms. "The people who work at the Cat Café taught me all sorts of cool stuff! This is nothing." She proceeded to jump into a complex set of moves, striking into the air like a much slower version of the Chestnuts Roasting over an Open Fire fist, before swaying her hands in Mantis Style, much like Akane's Umisenken movements.

"That's really good!" Temari praised. "I know some stuff too!"

Before she could demonstrate some of her moves, she noticed the old men on the park bench and frowned. "Oh no…"

"What?" Plum looked over, and frowned. "Oh, the Panda and the Crybaby… what are they doing here?"

"It's my Dad," Temari lamented. "It looks like I have to go."

Now that Plum noticed it, it was getting very dark now. "Oh shoot, I have to go home soon too…"

Temari pouted, right as she heard a voice behind her. "Temari-chan!"

She looked back, as Octopus Mask and Doll Mask walked up. "Oi, it's time to go," the latter said.

Octopus Mask looked over at the man crying on the bench and groaned. "Pop is crying again, great."

"Plum! We're going to the hotel now!" Shampoo then called out as she rode up on a new bicycle. Seeing her, Temari's red eyes widened slightly, as both Octopus Mask and Doll Mask pointed their masks in her direction.

Shampoo come to a halt, just as she dismounted from her bike. Both he and Doll Mask looked intently at her, as she regarded them with curiosity. "You street performers or something?" She asked.

Both masked men stood straight, and then posed. "Of course!" Doll Mask replied before he pulled out a frisbee. "We're just harmless street performers!"

"Yes, we perform tricks with simple toys!" Octopus Mask added as he pulled out his deck of Duel Monsters cards and began shuffling them.

Shampoo stared blankly at them, and shrugged her shoulders before looking to Plum. "Let's go, you can play with your friend tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure thing, battle sister," Plum replied before she looked back at Temari. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

Temari looked at Shampoo, and then back to Plum with a sad look. "No, you won't."

Confused, Plum began to ask what Temari meant by that. Shampoo herself had started to reassure her she would, when an overwhelming killing intent nearly froze her where she stood. Nearly, but she was able to throw herself out of the way of the frisbee thrown at her by Doll Mask, which went on to slice clean through her bicycle.

She slid back and immediately drew a shotgun she leveled and fired at Doll Mask, the bean bag round missing as the man moved just before she fired. Shampoo turned around and slamfired the weapon, the beanbag merely being caught in Octopus Mask's hand as he faced her.

Shampoo grinned. "Oh, this is interesting."

She tossed the weapon aside and her hands became blurs, catching out of the air the three Duel Monsters cards Octopus Mask threw at her. She then turned around and weaved her head around several bare hand strikes from Doll Mask, before she palm-thrust him in the chest to push him back and round-house kicked him to send him spinning back through the air.

She turned around and ducked beneath another set of thrown cards, and rushed Octopus Mask low to the ground, picking up her shotgun on the way. She thrust the weapon in his face, but Octopus Mask batted it out of the way before she fired. Using the recoil of the weapon, she flipped it over in her hand and smashed Octopus Mask in the face with the butt of the weapon.

Twirling the gun in her hand, she turned around and used it to catch the length of jump rope Doll Mask lashed out at her with like a whip. She let the weapon go, and as Doll Mask yanked it back, she produced a sawed off shotgun and shot him in the stomach with another bean bag, dropping him onto the ground, clutching his gut in pain.

Shampoo huffed. "I am no one's Worf." She turned around and fired at Octopus Mask as he got up, likewise giving him the worst tummy ache in the world with the weapon. "Plum, we are leaving!"

Plum was still in shock as she stared at Temari. "Your family are competitors too?"

Temari bowed her head. "Yes, sorry…"

Soun and Genma, rushed up to the scene, unsure of what had just happened after just witnessing it. "Another opponent?!" Genma asked.

"Another two losers," Shampoo grumbled as both men got up despite their injuries. "Who both should stay down!"

"Hey, big brother," Doll Mask said with a pained laugh. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Yeah… I almost forgot what this sort of thing was like…" Octopus Mask replied with his own laugh.

Shampoo rolled her eyes. "I'll give you credit for being good, but you're not going to win against Shampoo."

"Young lady, we're going to win… you're still fifty years far too young to beat any of us!" Doll Mask produced a handful of marbles and threw them to Shampoo's feet. Seeing them simply regular marbles and nothing explosive immediately Shampoo aimed her shotgun as Doll Mask aimed a final marble at her.

"Miracle Fire!" Doll Mask shouted as he shot the marble at the marbles on the ground like a rifle shot. On hitting one marble, it ricocheted off, sending the marble it hit straight at Shampoo, who narrowly dodged it. The fired marble hit another marble, also sending it flying at Shampoo, and then another and another, until Shampoo was dodging and weaving to avoid the projectiles as they came at her from different directions.

Octopus Mask was on his feet, taking his card deck and simply throwing them up into the air except for one. Holding up the last card, a Blue Eyes White Dragon, his eyes narrowed behind the eyeholes of the mask. "Good Ol' Days Secret Technique!"

Genma and Soun heard that loud and clear.

"Tendo, he said Good Ol' Days!" Genma realized.

Soun actually grew serious. "This is dangerous! Why would these men be in a mere game?!"

He leaped up into the air above Shampoo and his scattered cards, and Plum immediately recognized what he was going to do. "Shampoo! It's a tornado attack!"

"Lightning Flip Blast!" He threw the card onto the ground in a tight spin, which created a large dust-filled tornado that swept up Shampoo into the mass of razor-sharp cards.

Buffeted by the winds for only a second, Shampoo caught herself and rode the wind right up to Octopus Mask. "You have no idea who you're up against!" she yelled as she swung a kick into Octopus Mask's chest, that he blocked. As she leaped back from Octopus mask and towards the opaque wall of the windstorm, she immediately noticed a pair of glowing yellow eyes lunging for her.

A second later, the tornado exploded outward, and Shampoo landed in a crouch before looking up into the air to see, of all people, Genma in Panda form blocking a strike from a baseball bat with one of his signs. The wielder of the bat, Ultraman Mask, kicked off Genma's chest and landed on the ground between Doll Mask and Octopus Mask as Genma landed on his back next to Shampoo.

"Hey! No interfering, you're not in this!" Shampoo said as she kicked Genma in the side.

Genma flipped around the sign to read "You should be more grateful that I just saved your life!"

"You didn't do anything!" Shampoo snapped back as she kicked him again.

"You have no idea what he did, not yet," Soun said as he imposed himself between the combatants with arms outstretched. He glowered at the masked men. "I should've realized it when I saw first saw it… but you… all of you have no reason to compete here, not if you intend to win like that."

Shampoo didn't know how to take the Crybaby and the Panda talking like they knew something she didn't, even moreso when Ultraman Mask let out a laugh confirming it.

"You certainly are Happosai's students, if you were able to recognize our style at all," Ultraman Mask replied to Soun.

Shampoo's expression darkened, as she immediately got over her ignorance. "Who are these guys?"

"The Good Ol' Days Arts, a school of Ninjutsu that specializes in improvised weapons and techniques for assassination… and it is without question one of the vilest arts in existence," Soun explained. "Even Master refused to have any part of it."

Shampoo nodded. "I see…"

Soun looked at Temari, and then back to Ultraman Mask, and he actually trembled with anger. "You didn't…"

"You know well enough about our school to know the answer to that," Ultraman Mask replied.

"Truly, a vile school," Soun spat. "Shampoo, a battle is not decided in this tournament unless someone is defeated, is that correct?"

Shampoo nodded again. "That's right."

"Then take Plum and leave, you won't beat all of them on your own. Especially with their strongest present," Soun advised.

Shampoo turned around. "I guess it can't be helped, if these guys are making you grow something resembling a spine it must be good advice. Don't die, okay Crybaby? Panda?" She picked up Plum, who was still staring in disbelief at Temari. The other young girl just looked away, unable to bring herself to look back. "You're the last people I want to avenge."

She sprinted off, and then took to the trees to put as much distance between her and the the battleground as possible. As she went into the distance, Soun faced the Good Ol' Days practitioners as Genma got back up, rubbing his side.

"Well, you spoiled our fun… shame there isn't a rule against that," Ultraman Mask lamented.

"The only rule is to not kill," Genma's sign read before he flipped it around. "And you can't even follow that one!"

"We intended to follow it to the letter," Ultraman Mask replied. "So long as the heart is beating, and the respiratory system is functioning, it is not considered death."

"I have always considered Master to be evil. We need to invent an entirely new word for what you are," Soun replied.

Ultraman Mask sighed. "You can ponder it while my boys and I pay you back for interfering."

He lifted the bat against his shoulder, as Doll Mask prepared some marbles, and Octopus Mask drew more cards.

"Do not worry, out of respect for your Master, we'll let you live wide and awake," Ultraman Mask added as the mask's eyes began to glow a bright yellow. "But it will be a very painful existence."

* * *

A/N: And we're back.


End file.
